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Prologue: Birth
Erik slackened. She was right. It was no use.
Time to give up and find another exceptionally dull man in the tavern to keep him company.
Hopefully this time he didn't end up raving about castle infrastructure, obsessing over the latest model of commode, the fantastic new drainage system they'd just put in place.
In the end, he'd just kissed the idiot, out of sheer boredom, out of wanting him to shut the fuck up. They'd done it, funnily enough, in the tavern toilets. A regrettable decision, as afterwards he very carefully explained the mechanism of said toilet, animated as he described with delight exactly where human waste ended up.
Mia had never let him live down Toilet Guy.
Act I: Rejection
Being obsessed with toilets was hard.
Ever since he was small he was fascinated by the town sewage system, pestering workers with constant questions to find out everything he could about exactly where his waste went.
But when he ran back to the other children to proudly share his knowledge, their faces shriveled as soon as he opened his mouth. They scowled and whispered, then ran off to play something else.
It was still pretty much the same, he supposed. Entirely alienated from those around him.
Last week he thought everything had changed. That he was worthy.
Somehow he managed to secure a date with a gorgeous, blue haired Sniflheimer– one of the saviours of Erdrea, so the barman told him. Sky, he called himself. And it was going well. A couple of facts about the castle's new drainage system slipped out, yes, but that only seemed to ignite the man's interest, earning him a heated, passionate kiss.
In fact, by the force in which he gripped his collar, he really was intrigued.
It was only natural that they ended up in the toilet.
Yes, it was a little annoying when Sky kept interrupting his bountiful knowledge of the exact make of toilet (a Drasilian Dragon 2.0, obviously) with kisses but he couldn't deny him a thing– not when he was the only person who had shown interest in such talk. And he was very pretty, far more attractive than he ever thought he could ever get his toilet-loving hands on.
So they made love, against the grimy cubicle wall. The dream, his dream.
Well, except… he couldn't help but think that he wouldn't let such a beautiful piece of architecture fall into such disrepair, allow such profanities as 'the prince is gey' to be etched into the wall. He'd hope that if one was to graffiti a toilet wall, they'd at least use proper spelling and grammar. Or write a haiku – something meaningful and poetic, wax lyrical about such a wonderful structure taken for granted by the ordinary man.
They really should have a guard in here, he mused, to inspect the cubicles each time someone vacates them. A hefty fine imposed on any who violated the walls with their filth.
He recalled smiling to himself. Yes, that'd be perfect.
So, so good.
He pictured gleaming white toilets, pristine floors, neatly painted walls. Yes. That was pure ecstasy.
Sky simply glared, the passion of the moment clearly overwhelming him– oh, how embarrassing!
It seemed he had finished prematurely, so entranced by the thought of clean public lavatories that he forgot himself.
A reasonable fantasy really. Surely one Sky would understand, no?
Gently, he set him down on the toilet seat. Pausing between bouts of laughter, he explained exactly why he so rudely finished before him, hoping he would understand.
Sky sat in awe, eyes wide with clear interest. He was a sweet man, he understood. He too knew the fascination of la toilette.
The next part made little sense, though. Still entirely befuddling to him.
The way Sky shoved past him and uttered a curse under his breath. It was less than gentlemanly.
Maybe he was scared. Too scared to commit.
He never saw him again.
Eyes teary, Lou glanced around the market, shaking the man from his head. He must focus– he was here to meet Gallopolitan scholars to help create an effective, new sewage system. Not mope over a man lost.
"Ow! Watch where you're going, dickhead!"
Lou bowed his head. "I'm ever so sorry, young lady, I was rather caught up in the shape of the viaducts when–"
The girl growled.
Blue hair? That was a sorry coincidence. As if the Goddess was mocking him.
"Come on, my lady, we must d-depart," said the man next to her in what was frankly an awful Gallopolitan accent. He looked the part though, as if the sun was trapped in his very being and spilling rays out into his body.
Beautiful.
But not as beautiful as Sky.
Lou swallowed. The pair shifted off into the shadows.
The Palace.
He needed to see what he was working with. To find a toilet to throw himself into– well, figuratively– he wasn't quite at that stage of moping, yet.
Act II: Redemption
Lou giggled noisily. He pulled the flush again. Pure elegance. He wondered why the Sultan wanted them changed. Simply exquisite. Nay, breathtaking! He really must find the man who fitted such a magnificent beast.
"So you are the toilet guy, mm?" rung an airy voice.
Lou whipped his head around. "Y-Your Majesty, it is an honour–"
"I know," he said proudly, flexing a bicep. "I am sure it is not every day that you are blessed with the presence of a prince. Ha HA!"
Lou bowed his head. "Indeed. Now I was just wondering… why on Erdrea would your esteemed father want to change such a perfect mechanism?"
He clamped a hand over his mouth, muffling a snort, a poor attempt to hide his excitement.
"Oh?" Faris crouched beside him. "I suppose. I know very little about lavatories."
Lou swallowed. He could very easily spill all his knowledge, gush about his love of all things toilet.
But he didn't.
His mouth sealed shut.
He couldn't scare the man off. Not just yet.
Faris laughed loudly, snorting without shame. A noise that seized Lou's heart. He really would love to hear that again, in fact– he'd do anything to hear such a beautiful, sweet noise once more.
Faris reached out, idly flicking the chain. "What is this even for? A needless decoration, if you ask me. Father has… peculiar taste."
Lou swallowed a cough.
"Why your majesty, that is the flush."
He bit his tongue. The servants must have been doing it for him. He was now a fully fledged man, how did they keep this from him? It was rather cruel in his opinion. Preventing him from being truly independent.
Faris shot him a puzzled look. "Ha… ha! The f-flush. I knew that!"
Lou placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Did you ever wonder where your waste went, your majesty?"
Faris bit his cheek. "Magic?"
Lou pulled on the cord once more. "Well, if you consider the marvels of science and engineering to be magic, yes!"
Faris clung onto him. Lou flushed.
"S-Sorry, you startled me. I am fine." Faris swallowed.
Lou reached a hand around his bare waist. "It's okay. No need to be embarrassed, your majesty."
"Really? Well… that's not what everyone else says. I hear my knights whisper. They find my cowardice shameful." Faris' face drooped. He nestled his head against Lou's shoulder, sighing. "I am an embarrassment."
Lou held him tighter. Tears formed in his eyes. He too was an outsider. Mocked by his peers. His true genius misunderstood.
"I try to be brave… I do. But underneath it all, I am a coward. As stupid as I am blind."
Lou gasped, chest rising sharply.
The poor, sweet man! He didn't understand his true worth– the pure sunshine of his dazzling smile. His gorgeous, tittering laugh.
His hands came undone around Faris' waist, came up to cup his cheeks– rosy and now strewn with tears.
"It's okay, my Prince. It is good to have a little fear. It keeps one from behaving recklessly."
Like the fear he held now– the only thing stopping him from kissing him. Goddess, he was lonely. And Faris was sweet, kind: the perfect man.
All he lacked in brains was made up for tenfold in heart.
"Though, his majesty must know that there is nothing frightening about this perfect piece of machinery. One simply pulls the flush, water rushes out of the cistern– the water tank at the top– and pushes your waste down the pipes."
"What happens next?"
Lou's face lit up. No one had ever asked him questions. Normally he'd just dump his knowledge onto someone until they left. But here he was, capturing the prince's attention.
It was funny. The one time someone wanted him to talk about toilets was the one time he was lost for words.
"I…"
Faris brushed his cheek with a thumb. He smiled. "Please don't cry. Tell me about the flush thingie. I want to learn."
Lou nodded. Their faces were so close. He could feel Faris' breath on his cheek.
He took a breath. Composed himself.
"Why, your majesty, the waste flushes down a pipe into a reservoir. The water is then treated then repurposed for use."
A little simplistic at best. But that wasn't what mattered right now. Faris was so close. He wondered if he could feel his juddering heart.
"Ha! HA!" Faris threw his head back with glee. "I simply had no idea… how fascinating. You fascinate me."
Lou edged closer. "You too, your majesty. Though I must admit, I have a little fear myself."
"Oh," he murmured, pressing his face close. "And what is that, Lou?"
"You know my name!" Lou grinned widely– freely. It had been an awful long time since someone had called him by his first name. Mr Stall was nice, yes, but Lou was far more intimate.
Faris pouted. "But of course! I have seen you here before. My father speaks highly of you."
Lou laughed, snorting noisily. "I cannot believe it! I am known!"
Faris combed hair from his face. "Yes, my dearest. Now what is it that you fear, Lou-Lou?"
Lou smiled softly. Lou-Lou.
"I wish to kiss you, your majesty. But I am afraid." Fear bit his chest. He lurched away. "F-Forgive me I should leave–"
Faris beamed brighter than the Gallopolitan sun. "You wish me to help you conquer this fear?"
Lou gulped. Nodded shyly.
"Ha! HA! Well, it would be my privilege, Lou. Now, please: teach me more about your wonderful contraptions."