Work Text:
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: First day of quarantine already sucks. Verified @KELLYWILLBMVP Is stuck at my place. I DON’T WANT HIM.
BIGBADFRED: @KELLYWILLBMVP What the fuck is your username? AND HOW ARE YOU VERFIED??
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED Kelly. Will. B. MVP. More like MLB. Amiright??
BIGBADFRED: @KELLYWILLBMVP You’re ridiculous. You didn’t answer my second question.
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED Best in the Midwest (Baseball Emoji).
CLAPYOURHAP: @BIGBADFRED @KELLYWILLBMVP Does that mean you can stop nagging on my username?
BIGBADFRED: @CLAPYOURHAP NEVER!!!! (clap emoji) (clap emoji) (clap emoji)
CLAPYOURHAP: @BIGBADFRED I MADE IT IN SEVENTH GRADE! CUT ME SOME SLACK!
KELLYWILLBEMVP: @CLAPYOUHAP It still reminds me of a STD (hysterical emoji)
CLAPYOURHAP: @KELLYWILLBMVP @BIGBADFRED It’s supposed to be spin on “if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!”
KELLYWILLBMVP: @CLAPYOURHAP if you’re itchy and you know it, check your glands! If it hurts when you pee, and it starts smelling funny, if it itches in in your pants, it’s the clap.
BIGBADFRED retweeted KELLYWILLBMVP.
WONDERWOMANDIANA loved KELLYWILLBEMVP’s tweet.
BIGBADFRED: @KELLYWILLBMVP @CLAPYOUHAP (hysterical emoji) (hysterical emoji) (hysterical emoji)
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL loved KELLYWILLBMVP’S tweet.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @KELLYWILLBMVP @CLAPYOURHAP I’M CRYING. I (heart emoji) KELLY!!!
KELLYWILLBMVP: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL LIT MAJORS UNITE!
CLAPYOURHAP: @KELLYWILLBMVP Screw you
KELLYWILLBMVP: @CLAPYOUHAP I don’t need the STD thanks
BIGBADFRED: @CLAPYOURHAP @KELLYWILLBMVP (hysterical emoji) you’re never going to win this one big bro.
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @CLAPYOURHAP @KELLYWILLBMVP Point 1, Kelly. Point 0, Hap.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @CLAPYOURHAP It’s the Scorpio. @KELLYWILLBMVP
CLAPYOURHAP: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL not everything is about horoscopes.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @CLAPYOURHAP says the Cancer. (water drop emoji)
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA loved ROSECITYCURLYGIRL’s tweet.
CLAPYOURHAP: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL the whole ‘you got your own bday/horoscope’ is really old. Like 19 years old.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @CLAPYOURHAP Not my fault you two were super slow. I was waiting for @BIGBADFRED but he was late. Blame him. If he was five minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have been born past midnight. Thanks! (heart emoji)
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: Was this you @CLAPYOUHAP? (hysterical emoji)
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA posted a photo, tagging @KELLYWILLBMVP.
Transcribed: Text exchange between Diana [Blue] and Kelly [listed as “LITTLE BRO”]
LITTLE BRO: HE NARCED!!!
DIANA: (…)
(Shared screenshot, text exchanged between Kelly [Blue] and MOM [listed as such])
MOM: Kelly, that was gross. Delete that tweet.
KELLY: What tweet?
MOM: I’m not your father. I’m not dumb. Delete it now. Your profile is PUBLIC.
KELLY. Dad’s dumb?
MOM: KELLY WILLIAM BURKHARDT.
MOM: RECRUITERS WILL SEE THAT.
MOM: YOU ARE 21, ALMOST 22 YEARS OLD. NOT 16 ANYMORE
MOM: AND EVEN IF YOU WERE 16, I EXPECT MORE MATURITY FROM YOU
MOM: KELLY, DO NOT LEAVE ME ON READ
KELLYWILLBMVP: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA I went nuclear
KELLYWILLBMVP posted a photo.
Transcribed: Text exchange between Kelly [blue] and DAD [listed as such]
KELLY: Mom called you dumb
(Shared screenshot, text exchange between Kelly [Blue] and Mom [listed as such])
DAD: What did you tweet?
KELLY: Hap’s Twitter handle reminded me of a STD.
KELLY: CLAPYOURHAP
KELLY: tell me your mind didn’t go there
DAD: He’d be the last one to catch an STD
KELLY: what does that mean???
(left on read)
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP I NEED ANSWERS AND HE’S NOT REPLYING!!
CLAPYOURHAP: @KELLYWILLBMVP @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA …so do I?
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: UNCLE NICK IS A SAVAGE. @CLAPYOURHAP forever a virgin.
BIGBADFRED: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL @CLAPYOURHAP who’d be the first????
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @BIGBADFRED you
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @BIGBADFRED definitely you
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED you WERE the first
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @KELLYWILLBMVP @BIGBADFRED (hysterical emoji) I REMEMBER THAT
BIGBADFRED: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA @KELLYWILLBMVP @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL @CLAPYOURHAP LIES! YOU REMEMBER NOTHING! STOP WITH THIS DEFAMATION
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED STOP RATTING ME OUT YOU FUCKING NARCS.
KELLYWILLBMVP posted a photo.
Transcribed: Text exchange between Kelly [blue] and MOM [listed as such]
MOM: TWITTER IS PUBLIC
MOM: PEOPLE WILL SEE THAT
MOM: IF YOU ARE GOING TO GO AFTER THE TRIPLETS DO IT PRIVATELY
MOM: I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU CALL FREDDY A OVERGROWN POMERANIAN
MOM: DON’T LET ANYONE ELSE SEE IT
MOM: IF YOU GET YOUR SCHOLARSHIP REVOKED
MOM: SO HELP US BOTH
MOM: I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD
MOM: I WILL TAKE YOU OUT
MOM: STOP IT
KELLY: chill
MOM: (…)
KELLY: I’m sorry mom
KELLY: I love you a lot
KELLY: don’t kill me.
KELLY: You only have one son
MOM: I could make another
MOM: Maybe the second time he’ll inherit some sense!!
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP (crying emoji) THERE’S SO MUCH. @BIGBADFREDMom called you OVERGROWN POMERANIAN (puppy emoji).
BIGBADFRED: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA @KELLYWILLBMVP OUCH. I thought she loved me.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL loved KELLYWILLBMVP’s tweet.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA ARE WE NEGLECTING THE GEM THAT MRS. B IS RUTHLESS? “I can make another”. I’M SCREAMING. On a scale between 1 and 10, how much therapy do you @KELLYWILLBMVP need?
KELLYWILLBMVP: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL All of it. (crying emoji) She didn’t need to say that.
BIGBADFRED: @KELLYWILLBMVP not so special now, are we? I call that a dose of humility.
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED want humility? Check your phone.
ROSECITYCURLYGIRL: @KELLYWILLBMVP what did you send @BIGBADFRED?
KELLYWILLBMVP: @ROSECITYCURLYGIRL a daily dose of humility (sunglasses emoji)
CLAPYOURHAP: @BIGBADFRED what did @KELLYWILLBMVP send you???
BIGBADFRED: @KELLYWILLBMVP YOU SAID YOU DELETED THAT
KELLYWILLBMVP: @BIGBADFRED Why’d you ever believe me when you gifted me with such glorious blackmail material?
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP That’s how one knows they’re a Burkhardt. Never forget, never delete.
KELLYWILLBMVP: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA I thought petty was more mom’s alley?
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP NOPE – ALL DAD. Mom just pretends to be at his level. She couldn’t beat him, so she married him.
KELLYWILLBMVP: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA is that the story he told you?
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP what story were you told?
KELLYWILLBMVP: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA next time we have a family dinner, let’s compare.
WONDERPRINCESSDIANA: @KELLYWILLBMVP it’ll be chaos
KELLYWILLBMVP: @WONDERPRINCESSDIANA EXACTLY.