Archive of Our Own

APRIL 20, 2027

Dear Changbin hyung,

Now, where do I start?

The first time I saw you, you knocked on our front door, a sheepish grin printed on your face. Your mother stood behind you, reflecting the stance I had with my own mother behind me. I was almost eight and you just turned nine. Our mothers greeted each other—you know the basic “Hi, we’re your new neighbours, welcome!”—and you never strayed your eyes away from me, neither did your smile falter. Your mother pushed you forward lightly to pass us the food you and your mother prepared (though, being your best friend for the past 19 years, I can confidently say you did nothing to help). 

“Hi. My name is Seo Changbin! Nice to meet you.” You bowed and I did the same, my mother encouraging me as well,

“Um, hi. I’m Kim Seungmin.”

Since then, it was inevitable to not see you. If I recall correctly, you would try to come over to my house, inviting me to play, sometimes my mother would invite your family over. My sister got along well with yours, surprisingly. My mom thought we would’ve been closer since we were the ones close in ages, not an 11 year-old hanging out with a 15 year-old. I don’t even know why I was awkward around you then, maybe because you were too friendly, maybe I just sucked at conversations, maybe I found you attractive from the start, who knows? Not me.

First day of school since we moved in the house next to you, you walked me to the bus. I didn’t think much of it, I thought you were just walking me because we went to the same school. Then, you sat beside me. I assumed since there were no other seats for you to take. So I just let you, it wasn’t like you were annoying or obnoxious or loud. I realized, all the times you came by, you were mostly quiet. When you ask me to play a game, I would just nod and we play with mostly you making sound effects with your toy cars, and—well you can’t exactly make sounds when building a city out of legos. Though of course, I’ve heard you talk again past the repetitive “Can we play together?”; my dad had asked you one time, “What does Binnie want to be when he graduates?” (Which I now realize, who the fuck asks those questions when you’re nine? We can’t even leave the house without our parent’s permission!) You said you wanted to be a music producer, both our parents and sisters smiled at that. I told them I wasn’t sure and you told me, nudging my shoulder that it’s fine if I didn’t know. That comforted me.

You had other friends at school. Bang Chan and Han Jisung. Chan hyung’s first word to me was “‘Sup?” and raised his fist up. I looked at you and you just laughed, encouraging me to bump my fist with his. You said he’s Australian, but to me he looked nothing but Korean. Except he was very white, I guess that was just genes. Jisung, on the other hand, was tan. And he was actually funny. (Don’t say that to Chan hyung). I was glad Jisung was in my year, because he could easily show me around my new school while you’re with people of your grade. 

Jisung and I got along fast. He would walk me to the bus stop where you’d be waiting and we’d hop on the bus together. Then, no talking. It was a comforting silence though. Sometimes you’d share the comic book you’re reading with me. Sometimes, you’d share the other earbud of your iPod nano that your mom got for you on your ninth birthday. Sometimes I’ll be the one sharing a book, though mine weren’t graphic so it was harder to read. When I turned eight, I, too, shared my earphones with you. (I had specifically asked for an iPod nano since I wanted to share my music with you.) It was a routine.

Until it wasn’t.

Nearing the end of the year, Jisung and I would hang out outside of school hours. He would take the bus with us, so you’d be sitting somewhere else while Jisung sat beside me. I thought that was alright. It’s not like Jisung would be taking the bus with us to school too. But even then, you didn’t sit beside me. I never realized how much I liked your presence until it was gone. So the next day, I looked in the mirror, psyching myself to hopefully work up my courage and ask you to sit beside me. 

I must’ve done a million skits in my head only to end up stuttering through my words and when the bus came, I blurted out, “I want to sit beside you on the bus.” I’ll never forget the tiny glimpse of brightness in your eyes when I said it, and I’ll definitely never forget how you held my hand going in the bus.

We shared my music and your comic book. It was Spiderman then. I remember watching your eyes widen while reading the events. I never got to read the comic on the bus. It was more engaging to watch your smile and reactions rather than the artist's style of artwork. I would nod when you wanted to turn the page, pretending to look at the last panel before looking at you again, I couldn't help but smile back.

You loved that comic so much. I know because you gave me your very own copy on our first Christmas together, knowing each other for more or less four months. You told me that: when you give your own copy to someone that you cherish them because it’s like you shared a part of you. I know you don't do it often because Jisung sulked when you gave him something that's not yours but instead something new, so I cherished that comic book.

On the very first page you managed to scribble down,

BEST SPIDERMAN COMIC EVER TO THE BEST PERSON EVER!!!!!!!

I kept it on my shelf, every now and then I read it. Not to experience the world of Spiderman, but to reminisce the way you reacted on the bus reading it for the first time. I don't think I can ever forget that.

On my very first draft, I think I mentioned more about how we first met. And although I’d love to retell you every single memory, I think it’s important for me to go through the next 19 years too.

Summer after that school year, we didn’t let a day pass without playing. Whatever the day was, we would always end up at each other’s house. I’m pretty sure my mom got sick of your face and so did yours to mine. But I also know they were glad we got along well. My sister got distant with your sister for the school year, but she was back on babysitting her by summer. 

Your first birthday we spent together, I gave you a CD. It was burned from Chan hyung’s computer. He helped me pick the right version of music (definitely illegal) to be able to put them on the CD. That was the first time you gave me a hug, saying how you’d play the CD and listen to it carefully. 

That night, you threw a rock at my window. I ran downstairs and opened the door for you. You had tears in your eyes and punched me with your tiny fist then. 

“OW!” I whined, though it didn't really hurt. 

“You’re mean. You didn’t have to record yourself greeting me a happy birthday and a message.”  

Then you hugged me again, and since then I don’t think there ever was a time of the day where I don’t wonder when I’ll be able to hug you again. Lucky for me, you weren't afraid of skinship. 

I don't remember what I said on the video message. At least not everything anyway. I do remember shaking while recording myself in my room, making sure no one was around to hear my voice (that was then going through puberty so it was embarrassing to even talk). I don't sing a lot, but I do like music. I think you made me like music. I also think I told you that you made me like music. You made me like a lot of things.

School was the same old routine. Home. Bus. Comics. Music. School. Comic. Music. Bus. Home. Everything was the same. Jisung and I would hang out in school, while you were with Chan hyung. It was like that until Chan hyung graduated. I remembered you bawling your eyes out, and Jisung and I teased you. (Two years later, we were the ones crying when you graduated and you teased us. How silly considering the middle school was literally one block over). But it’s not the distance, it’s the fear we didn’t like to think that we’d disconnect. 

We did.

And it fucking sucked.

That even though we lived next to each other, you wouldn’t even spare me a glance walking to the bus. That when our parents invited each other’s company for dinner, you would say you’re busy with school instead, and if we’re going to your place, you wouldn’t even look at me.

I hated you, hyung. I fucking hated you for a long time. Because how could you possibly spend three years with me, and as if nothing happened, started ignoring me? Was it because you graduated from elementary school and it’s so cool to be a middle school kid you wouldn’t hang out with an elementary student? I couldn’t find a perfect reason why, so I stopped caring. At least, I tried to stop caring. I busied myself with school and Jisung kept me company. 

One time during dinner at your place, I gloated about how Jisung and I spent so much time together, that we hung out even after school hours, how Jisung stayed over for sleepovers and we played all night, and I said he was the “bestest friend ever”. Then, I looked at you, pouting and angry, but instead of you replicating my expression, you were sad. And I hated you again, because why are you the sad one? You left me.

You stormed off that dinner, running up the stairs as soon as our parents had let us go. I timidly got off my chair to go to the living room to watch an episode or two of a TV show with our sisters but my mom stopped me.

“Hey, sweetie, why don’t you go check on Binnie?”

I shrugged and mumbled, “Sure.” 

I knocked on your door, once, twice, “Hyung?” I asked, knocking once more. You opened the door not long after, nose puffed and crying. 

“What do you want?”

“Why are you crying?”

“Does it matter?” you asked, wiping your nose. “Just go and have fun with Sungie if you enjoy being best friends so much.”

You almost closed the door but I stopped you.

“Hyung, you ignored me.”

“You did it first!”

“What?”

I was sure I didn’t ignore you. There was no moment in my life (at least then) that I remembered correctly where I actively ignored you. So I stood there, trying to remember until you said, “I was at the bus stop, waiting for you since I got out early from middle school. When I saw you, I waved at you, you looked my way but your face didn’t light up. Not until you saw Jisung anyway, so I just left.”

“Hyung, I didn’t see you.”

“Oh,” was all you said. 

“Oh,” you said again, this time the words dawning on you. Then slowly you reached for the back of your neck, “I guess it was stupid of me to be mad for no reason, huh?”

I reassured you it wasn’t stupid. You thought I ignored you, and instead of actually reaching out, I became even more petty than you. Just because I missed being your best friend and I thought by gloating about Jisung and I hanging out, you would realize your mistake. But it only made it worse. 

So then I told you, “Hyung, you’re my best friend,” (your face lit up), “I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this.”

“I love you, Minnie,” you said, hugging me again.

I wasn’t sure where the nickname came from, but I would be lying if I don’t admit how my heart did ten thousand flips in just the simple utterance of a nickname. I don’t think I ever wanted to hear you say my full name again after that.

A couple months later, I saved enough money to get us matching bracelets. It had a band and an engraving of our names; you had mine and I had yours. You hugged me tightly, giggling from how happy you were I got us bracelets. You wrapped mine on, and I helped you wrap yours. I never once removed it (well, that one time we had to get them extended because we grew up, but that was it).

In my first year of middle school, we started doing sleepovers. You’d work on your homework at my place, or I’d work on mine at yours. Then after we finish, you’d jump on the bed and look at the ceiling. Sometimes you’d be talking nonsense, sometimes you’d talk about school, sometimes you'd share the conspiracy theories you read at the library about some sci-fi. Most of the time, you fall right asleep. And I’d laugh, pulling the covers for the both of us, turning the lamp shade off beside my bed. (And it wasn’t at all nerve wracking how you manage to make my heart beat fast whenever you’d wrap your hands around my waist unconsciously. Absolutely not.)

During one of the sleepovers, you brought a karaoke machine you rented excitedly. You connected it to the TV in my room and sang your heart out. You’re a loud singer, but that didn’t mean you were awful at it. Then you started rapping. See, I know you can read fast because I somehow trained you to read fast when we read a novel together on the bus and hated how I had to wait for you. (That’s why we mostly read your comics.) But hearing you rap, you had a rhythmic beat and personal choice of how to rasp your vocals without (hopefully) damaging it. And I was in awe, watching you rap, and I knew music really was your way to go.

You gave me the mic right after you rapped. I was still frozen in spot, mouth hanging from watching you flawlessly sing through the song with raps. It took me a couple of seconds before I opened the book and searched for a song I wanted to sing. 

I wasn’t sure what your face was during the song because I was too focused grasping the mic tightly and watching the words highlight on the screen to make sure I stayed on beat. When I finished singing, I gave you the mic back. I would say you looked the same way I did as I watched you rap, but I shook my head at that. 

“Minnie, you’re amazing, holy shit,” were the only words that came out of your mouth. 

Since then you begged me to sing to you. You would make your mom call our house so you can hear me sing whenever you’re far from home. You would throw rocks at my window and when I have you in my room, you'd be asking me to sing for you. If it's cold out, you'd call me from your house, tell me to look out the window and you stare at me as I try to sing to the speaker. I thought we looked ridiculous, but seeing you slowly doze off 20 feet away from me and my heart beating rapidly, looking ridiculous was not my main problem. I guess I dedicated singing only to you, because I never sing to anyone, never let anyone else hear me. Only you.

I was 12 when I found out what being gay was. It isn’t exactly a world changing discovery, considering how I did find myself crushing on Peter Parker rather than Gwen Stacy. I would rather focus on the male leads rather than their counterparts. Thinking about myself in the future with a wife was never something I ever dreamt of. I thought for a long time that there must’ve been something wrong with me. Until I found a label that fits me.

Coming out to my parents was scary. I walked in their room, shaking before I bursted out crying. I apologized to them, and they pulled me to sit in the middle of their bed. I told them that “I’m sorry for being gay”. 

My dad chuckled softly, brushing the hair off my forehead and wiping my tears. He told me, “Don’t ever be sorry for being you.” 

And my mom, being the witty that she was, told me, “Hey, I’m into boys too!” 

I slept in-between them that night, smiling myself to sleep.

If I was crying when I came out to my parents, I came out to you completely dry.

Literally. 

Do you remember it? You must remember it. I stared at you for a long time, and you told me you were getting anxious about the way I stared at you. The thing was, I couldn’t get myself to admit that I’m gay. I was too afraid that you’d look at me different, that you’d say something dumb like, “haha, but you don’t have a crush on me though, right?” Because I knew I did. 

You said my name once, twice, before I blinked and came back to reality after imagining possibly millions of scenarios where you just treat me differently.

“Are you okay?” you asked me, grabbing my hands to hold the glass of water you prepared for me. I guess I must’ve looked pale. I nodded, still unable to express myself. “You can tell me anything, alright? I’m here to listen.”

So I closed my eyes before saying,

“I’m gay.”

You smiled. The same smile that you gave me when I asked you to sit beside me on the bus. The same smile that you had when I handed you the CD for your birthday. It was the damned smile that made me first realize why I was into boys in the first place.

Slowly you said, “Me too.” Then you jerked your head to the left, “Well, bisexual.”

It wasn’t like it shocked me that you’d be open to date other genders, you were vocal whenever you found someone attractive, whether it was a boy or a girl, or anyone in between. It just didn’t dawn on me that you had actually labelled yourself. 

I dropped the glass on your foot, water washing the carpet, and you hopping around on one leg trying to lessen the pain of the other. I panicked and held you down the bed, trying to see if the glass broke and if you got cut. 

“I’m assuming you thought I was straight, huh?” you asked while I wrap a bandage on the wound. I nodded. You gasped dramatically, holding your hand to your chest, “I’m offended, Kim Seungmin!”

I only laughed, teasing you by “accidentally” tightening the bandage a little too much. When you winced, I would smile sarcastically before unwinding the bandage. 

I never thought for one second I’d have the chance to actually be one of the people you’d actually date, but I’d also be lying if I didn’t at least once hope you’d see me the same way I saw you. 

Do you remember when I introduced you to Hyunjin when he moved to our middle school and you were already attending high school? After he went home, you nudged me thinking I had a crush on him. I didn’t. I nudged you back a little, not denying or confirming. I think you thought I was just being shy. Truth was I couldn’t tell you the answer, afraid of what might come next or if I’d be able to hold myself back from spilling the whole truth. 

When I was 14, I opened up a Snapchat because you said you wanted to start a “streak”. I thought that was dumb. We saw each other everyday, slept over at each other’s houses, so I thought, what was the point of “streaks”? There were times where you and your family would travel, and I would too, with my family. There were school trips for your classes and I had mine. But we could’ve talked about it afterwards! Taking pictures, I thought, was unnecessary. Until I found myself enjoying taking pictures. I remember Jisung snorting watching me take a photo of the lockers, only to label it streaks and send it to a couple of people. I explained to him (and Hyunjin) how it was a rule of thirds, and the sun shining on one specific locker was important. Jisung was smiling when he said, “You should join the photography club! Chan hyung told me about it, of course we’d have to be high school students first, so after we graduate this year…” Jisung kept rambling about high school, Hyunjin joining in every now and then, and the many memories we’d have together. But I was set on joining music club with you, knowing that it would be impossible to have regular classes together, I thought we could at least spend clubs together. 

You told me that I can join both photography and music clubs since they met at different times, and so I did. 

But even after joining music club, it was hard for us to hang out. School was a bit more demanding and our parents put a little bit more pressure on us. The only time we'd see each other for longer than the five minutes in-between classes where we had to go to different classrooms was the 40-minute lunch break. But it was okay, as long as we don't relapse like we did before.

Nearing the end of the year before I graduated middle school, you knocked on my door loudly. Not the front door, no, my mother has let you in the house without any warning. When I opened my bedroom door, you tackled me to the ground, still grinning widely. I asked what’s up, and you got off me showing the calendar from your newly bought Samsung S6. I didn’t understand what you meant, but your smile, still that same smile that never failed to falter. Then you told me, 

“Minnie, we’ve been friends for over seven years!” 

Still, I had no idea what the gush was about, then you turned your phone towards you, still smiling, and said, “Psychologists say that when you’ve been friends with someone for over seven years, then it’s a lifetime! That’s us, Minnie!”

I’ll never forget how happy you were that day. To me, it felt like any other ordinary day, but the way you made seven years of friendship a big deal made me love the idea of thinking of each end of the year as a time where we establish another year of friendship. 

When I finally became taller than you, I didn’t let the short jokes die. I would always wrap my arms around you like you did when we were younger and I was shorter. Now that I’m taller, I get the advantage of putting my arm on top of your head for when we take family pictures. 

Wait, that sounds funny.

When our families take pictures together.

That’s better.

Chan hyung and Jisung teased you too, but it didn't last long since I was still taller than the two of them. But of course, tall ass Hwang Hyunjin had to make it about him and how he’s taller. >:(

(At first, I wanted to write this paragraph for the sole purpose of teasing your height, but the more I think back to all the jokes and memories of the day I finally grew taller than you, I remember other things too.  

Like the first time we hugged, and I was still hugging you from beneath while you took charge on top. It wasn't an awkward position, though from an outsider's eye, it would look that way. Whenever Chan hyung, Jisung or Hyunjin see us hugging like that, they would always snicker and say that maybe we should switch the way we hug, but I liked the way we hugged. Sure you were shorter and you sometimes have to tiptoe just to wrap your arms around me, but it feels even more awkward if that wasn't the way we hugged because that was what we were accustomed to.

You later told me that you would protect me and that's why you always wanted to be the bigger person. I almost cried at that, but I only laughed, teasing how cheesy you were being. You knew what I meant though. You knew because you pulled me in for another hug, and I knew I was safe.)

It was a random day during lunch the year Chan hyung was graduating when he told us he won’t be attending university. We were all shocked at the table, mouths gaping, except you. I presumed that Chan hyung has told you already. The table fell silent once he dropped the news that he got scouted as a trainee. Jisung was the first to speak, 

“That would mean you’ll be moving to Seoul?” 

It wasn’t a question, but it did come off as one. Chan hyung nodded, still happy and neglecting to see how Jisung was sad the entire lunch. At first, I was happy. (Well, I still am happy that he chose that decision considering where he is now.) But it did scare me that he’s made a decision in his life. That he was risking university, something so vital to anyone’s future and without a complete security in the idol life, he decided to pursue that career. 

I slept over at your house that night, still thinking about Chan hyung’s decision. I tried to not think about it, but every time the next song came on your phone, I thought about him and how he can be the next person we could be listening to. My thoughts were unexplainable, maybe because I still remember you saying you wanted to do something related to music and I was scared I’d lose you that way. Or perhaps I was afraid people had plans for themselves while I have three hobbies: listening to music, reading and taking pictures.

“You okay?”

I hummed. But you knew me better than that, so in the end, I told you. Part of it anyway. You didn’t say much, but you did tell me that one day I’ll realize what I want to do. And if it’s later than when I graduate high school, you said it was fine. I didn’t bother telling you the other reason. I thought it was dumb, but I guess I’m telling you here now. 

You ignored me again my second year in high school. Do you remember that? You lost our friendship bracelet. It wasn’t on purpose; you said the band broke and you were crying when you told me. You said you’ve been keeping it to yourself for three days because you thought you could still find it. When it was no luck, you started crying. You didn’t want to hang out with me because I’d know something was wrong and you are a terrible liar, so you thought by ignoring me, I won’t ask questions and you won’t have to admit that you lost the bracelet. 

Though that only made me angry. I’m sorry I yelled at you again by the way, I really didn’t mean to. I just thought we were relapsing like old times and there was another misunderstanding we could've solved instead of ignoring. I hated whenever we fought. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence, we usually have tiny bickering here and there, but a huge fight was something we both hated.

We later found the bracelet in your room. The silver band collaged to the carpeted floor. Our parents drove us to get it fixed, and you promised to never keep it from me if you lose the bracelet again. I joked that if you lose the bracelet again, I would be the one refusing to talk to you.

Your graduation was around the corner when you admitted that you’re moving to the city as well to go to university. I thought that would be the moment we’d lose touch with each other. Even though we did for a brief amount of time when I was 12, I still hated the idea. How could I possibly spend the next however many years without you after spending the past 10 with you?

I guess you can say it terrified me then. I still didn’t tell you because admitting it means it could happen, and I didn’t want it to happen. I hated to admit anything in fear of the admittance committing to reality. So I decided to stay quiet, even if the table filled in with cheers and congratulations.

I told Jisung and Hyunjin I liked you the first day you were gone to the city. They only hummed, so I repeated myself, thinking that my confession just didn’t dawn on them. 

Jisung laughed at me the third time I was about to repeat it, and said, “Seungmin, we know,” he and Hyunjin shared a look, “You think it isn’t obvious?” 

But it wasn't obvious! If it was, then you would’ve said something, right? You would either accept the confession or let my heart down gently, but you would never downright ignore it. Hyunjin thought you were just in denial. I thought he was ridiculous. Jisung said you weren't aware of your “feelings for me”. I refused to let them sleep on my bed that night.

Though even if I had the whole bed to myself, I couldn’t sleep. Mostly because I couldn’t keep my mind off Jisung and Hyunjin’s words. And I would rather be asleep with you beside me lulling me to sleep anyway, so I forced my eyes to sleep.

Jisung and Hyunjin reminded me how it’s been a routine for our friend group to drop a bomb out of nowhere near the end of the year. So Jisung started, telling us that he’s joining Chan hyung in the company. Hyunjin choked on his food, frowning at Jisung as he smiled widely while his own fell even more. Once he composed himself together, he disclosed that he was going to Seoul to study for university, the same one as yours. I thought of many ideas, like getting a job, trying to make money out of commissions, before I finally concluded on telling you that I liked you.

So that night, while waiting for the call to go through, I prepared myself a speech. I wrote everything down, my feelings (you can’t see it now, I threw it away), and sat on my bed waiting for you to answer. When you finally did, I can hear the smile on your face as you said “Hi” gracefully. 

“I have something to tell you,” we both said at the same time. You insisted I tell you first, but I managed to convince you to go first. I wasn’t expecting the next words to come out of your mouth until I registered it later that night.

“I got a boyfriend!”

It was blurry. The words that came out of your mouth after that was all just a haze to me. I tried so hard to be happy, to say, “That’s great!” or “I’m happy for you!” I wanted to ask about this boyfriend, but none of the words wanted to come out because I didn’t want them to come out, because it wasn’t great, it was terrible. I couldn’t say “I’m happy for you” either because it felt wrong to be happy for you when I was hurting, even though it wasn’t your fault. I was so selfish that I stopped you mid-sentence to say, “I’m sorry, mom’s calling me.” 

“Oh man, that fast?”

“Yeah, gotta do the dishes.”

“Okay well say hi to her from me, okay? And text me your good news!” 

“I will. Bye.”

And I ended the call before the next words came out of your mouth. I didn’t want to hear the next words, because my heart was already heavy and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t cry, and I wanted to scream, but my mouth felt dry. I felt tired, but not in a way that I could sleep it off and be okay again. It's not like I could escape to dreamland where maybe I had the guts to tell you. Or that maybe it was me instead.

I never texted you, and you forgot about it I guess, because you never bugged me to say something.

I walked down the stairs, sitting in the living room and hugging my knees to myself. I didn’t realize I was softly sobbing until my mom got out of their room and asked what was wrong. I was too numb to say anything, so she pulled me into a hug and that's when I cried. 

Because it wasn’t me. 

It was never me.

In between sobs I managed to incoherently tell her that you got a boyfriend, and she mumbled something I barely acknowledged, "Oh, Binnie, you absolute idiot."

If it wasn’t painful enough that you got a boyfriend, it was even more painful having to meet him. I thought I could find qualities to hate him, perk on his little mannerism that I could find annoying. But no. Because you chose well and Lee Minho was perfect for you. 

I remembered when you would call, I would say senior year is hectic. You believed me because you also were busy a lot the year before. Other times, I’d say I was hanging out with Jisung or Hyunjin. We still texted, but I tried to not interact when it’s about Minho hyung, which was a lot of ignoring.

It was dumb, I know it was. But hearing you talk about Minho hyung hurt like a bitch. I couldn’t let myself go through that, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through hearing the person they like gush about the person they’re dating. I hated that it wasn’t me, but I wanted you to be happy. And since you know me well, I knew you would know something was bothering me, so I tried (as much as possible) to not let it show by not hanging out with you.

It was one particular night where I was actively ignoring you when you texted me. You asked if I was awake, I didn’t respond, but I stared at the phone to watch the typing bubble come back and go as you type and erase a message. Then finally, a text glared at me. 

Minho hyung and I broke up.

I wanted to throw my phone away, to ignore that you two broke up because then I’d be hopping on my “Date Changbin agenda” again. But I knew you needed me, as your best friend at least, so I said, I’m here. 

And I talked to you all night, and you listened to me, as much as you could hear behind the sobs anyway. And I sang to you, and I remembered clutching the phone so close to my face, hoping that by doing that I can somehow resonate the hug from my house to your dorm through the small device.

Hours after waking up, the pink rectangle was still visible on my face. My sister had teased me about it, but it was worth it.

For you, it was worth it.

Alright, enough sad shit. It’s not like you didn’t know about all that. 

I graduated high school not long after that night. You were happier, your eyes weren't as tired as they used to be when we would call on FaceTime. Minho hyung came, too. We still weren’t friends, and it was kind of awkward being around him. But he and Jisung became close when you two were dating so he invited him to be there. 

He pulled me to the side at the end of the ceremony, smiling at me softly. I looked at you before you shrugged your shoulders, so I fell behind from the group's line with him on our way to the restaurant we planned to go to.

When we were far enough, Minho hyung whispered to me, “I know you love Changbin.” 

My world stopped at his sentence. I never felt more betrayed with myself for being able to be read by someone who I met through my best friend, the one he dated , and be confronted by. Then as if he can hear my thoughts he said, “Hey, I’m not mad, don’t worry. It was more of a fling, I’m sure neither of us were actually thinking we’d spend a lifetime together.” 

It took some time before I finally composed myself, staring at you from afar and all, the realization dawning on me.

I asked him, “Why are you telling me this?”

He gave me a shrug, “Are you gonna do something about it?”

I laughed, maniacally, “No.” Because you didn’t see me the way you saw him. “That’s not-that's not us-that's not our story.”

Minho hyung nodded, picking up the pace to catch up to the rest. Before he completely left me by my own behind the group, he whispered, “Don’t pull yourself back, Seungmin. You will regret it.” 

I didn’t know why he said that. He dated you! You two were happy! You cried for weeks after your breakup. Why was he pushing me to date you? 

When he was back up front with Jisung, Hyunjin and Chan hyung, you fell behind to stand beside me, you only stared at me before asking what we talked about. I lied and told you he only congratulated me. Your simple hum was enough for me to go in a deep thought about what Minho hyung just told me. 

See, I've never acknowledged the fact that I am in love with you and not just a simple I liked you. I don't know when it happened. I’m not sure how I fell in love, but it wasn't like it's a moment where fireworks are shown and someone's singing “You're in love with your best friend” like some musical. It just… happens.

Maybe it was when we were on the bus to go home. You stood up to let an old lady sit down beside me instead. And she told me, from what I remember, “That’s the kind of man you’d want to marry in the future.”

At first, I laughed at it. Looking at you who still held the same sheepish smile from when you were outside our door for the first time, as if you’re still holding the container of food. 

“We’re not like that,” I told her. She only held a sympathetic smile. 

Maybe the time where you came to my room, explaining how you felt rebellious one night. You told me you wanted to go to the drive-in theatre even though we’re both underage. So I told you, “I’m not letting you do that!” And maybe I was so whipped for you that when you frown, I just had to get that frown away so I said, “Without me.” 

And the smile you gave me was the same smile from when I asked you to sit with me on the bus. The same smile you gave me when you were jumping around in joy that we’ll be friends forever. The same smile that perhaps the actual reason I fell in love with you.

Or maybe that time at the bus stop when I asked you to sit beside me but I hadn't recognized it because what was love then, anyway?

I didn’t go to university right away. But I did go to the city to work at a coffee shop near your university. You decided to study there so you can bug me and still be able to see me. 

I was training Lee Felix one time. He was beside me taking customers' orders and I made coffee. I was finishing an order while Felix was cleaning the counter, no customers in line when he nudged me, and softly he asked, “Do you know that guy?” 

He was pointing at you of course, busy with your projects so you didn't know we were talking about you. I nodded, pointing at the customer in line. I thought Felix would've dropped it by the time he finished with the customer.

Of course he didn't.

Right after giving the change, he teasingly asked, “Is he your boyyfrienddd?”

I laughed when he asked, because it reminded me of the pain that no, he’s not. I shook my head, “No, we're just friends.”

Felix frowned, “Well, he sure does look at someone who's just a friend strange.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, Seungmin,” he sighs, grabbing the cloth again to rub on the same clean counter for the nth time, “For someone so smart, you sure do suck at reading people.”

We walked together back to the apartment you, Hyunjin and I were sharing. But I couldn’t shake Felix's words off my mind from that afternoon. And I reminded myself that you don’t see me that way. Because if you did, why wouldn’t we be there already?

You brought Minho hyung to the cafe one time. Felix asked why I was awkward around him after giving him his order, and I guess I gave him the awkward customer service smile that sparked Felix to ask. I playfully asked him why he was so nosy. He didn't answer but pestered for mine instead. I told him why—he wasn’t friends with either of you anyway, and he was warming up to me. I figured since he could clearly see the way I looked at you, then it was obvious I was in love with you. I expected him to be sympathetic, of course he was, but what I didn’t expect was for him to be rude to Minho hyung. Though, his barks were nothing compared to Minho hyung’s flirting. Soon, I warmed up to Minho hyung, but Felix still complained about him. We figured it’s because Minho hyung’s flirting actually got to him. 

Hyunjin asked me in the apartment while you were still at university, “When will you find the courage to ask Changbin hyung out?”

I snorted, replying, “It won’t happen. He doesn't like me that way.” 

I kept reminding myself that, even if Hyunjin called me hopeless right after and Jisung later called me that night to call me a dumbass and hung up the phone. (He later called me back up again, and we talked.)

I studied general arts my first year, so I still saw you around, since the music building was next to the arts building. We meet in the pedway in the middle, that’s where we eat lunch, or do homework. Sometimes we slept together. Sometimes you sleep and I watch, and I couldn’t help myself fall a little bit deeper in love with you. 

Yang Jeongin was a freshman that year too. You know… how shit went down from there. We spent almost every second together, being in the same program and practically the same classes. He immediately became friends with Hyunjin and Felix. Not long after, with you and Minho hyung. Everything was smooth sailing from there. 

Until he confessed that he liked me. 

I didn’t date him. I rejected him the night he confessed. He asked me if it was because of you. I nodded. I felt like shit. After all these years, my crush on you when I was fucking eight was still there. And it wasn’t even a crush. I was in love with you. I am in love with you. 

I cried that night again. My parents called me on FaceTime and they noticed how my eyes were swollen, I told them “allergy season”. They didn’t believe me, but they dropped the topic knowing that I’ll come to them if I needed to. 

Hyunjin came into my room that night, I cried a lot. You later asked why Hyunjin was in my room the next day. We lied saying we were watching a drama. You didn’t believe us either. 

This time, I started distancing myself. I knew being with you would only make it worse. Peaking through the sliver of my opened door, I made sure you weren't still around. Once I was sure your shoes weren’t where they always are, I'd book my way out of the house. At lunch, I’d tell you I have a project, or that I needed to meet someone for my class. None of those were true. 

My mom called me again. She told me my way of not confronting my feelings was stupid, and that I should go up to you and just confess. I knew she was right, she is my mother after all. But I was a stubborn kid. So I kept up with the act.

Though one time, your shoes weren't by the door, so I left my room to make myself some breakfast before heading to the university.

Then you spoke behind me, “Would you look at that?” I turned around, mouth stuffed with cereal, “Thought Hyunjin and I were the only ones who live here.”

You chuckled, grabbing an apple and shoving it in your bag. “Forgot to prepare food,” you said, a small tight lipped smile before leaving the house again. I sighed, letting my shoulders down, biting on my lip before finishing the cereal and quickly running out the house to at least catch you. 

I thought I was too late when I didn't see you anywhere down the street, but once I got to the bus stop, you were sitting inside the shelter, eyes focused on your phone. I slowly walked to sit beside you, letting my bag drop next to you for you to look up.

“Hey,” you said.

“Hi,” I responded.

Then, you were back on your phone. When the bus arrived, I held on to your hand, then as if I was 8 and you were 9, I told you, “I want to sit beside you on the bus.”

You had half a smile on your face, interlacing our hands, “Kinda assumed you already were.”

Vacation didn't come soon enough. You complained about school so much and wanting it to end. Hyunjin said, “What's the difference between vacation and school? Don't you two always stick beside each other anyway?”

I laughed, you were baffled, “I get to spend more time with Minnie if University wasn't in the way!”

Though by the time vacation came, we were exactly the way we were even if there was University in the way. Except now, we got to hang out with Chan hyung and Jisung. They came down to visit, two weeks in semester break and invited us to a cabin (Hyunjin got an internship, that's why he wasn't with us). I was roomed with Jisung and you with Chan hyung because “God, please be separated for once” (words by Han Jisung).

We were all chilling in the living room, drinking when they said that the company had thought of making them a trio if they found another person, so they invited you to join them. You looked at me when they said that. I stood frozen. Both because I was unsure why you stared at me like that and because if you were an idol you’d be gone more than I intend you to do. You said you’d think about it.

When the moon rose, and our systems were filled more with alcohol than blood, Chan hyung and Jisung had passed out on the floor in the room Jisung and I shared. You and I were laughing at my laptop screen, watching a TV show I don’t even remember what. All I remembered was you pausing the show and staring at me, before asking to go outside the porch. I followed right behind you, making sure I didn’t step on Chan hyung or Jisung scattered on the floor. 

It all happened too fast.

You asked what I thought of Chan hyung and Jisung’s question. I answered, “I’ll support you like I always do, what else?” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the full truth. I wanted you to stay, but I don’t want to hold you back.

So you asked me again, this time your voice was more stern, “Seungmin. Would you want me to go?” 

“What do you want, hyung?” I asked you. “For me to stop you? To tell you that I’m in love with you so no, I don’t want you to go? Or to let you go because that’s been your dream since you were a kid and I shouldn’t, no one should tell you not to go.” 

You didn’t say anything. 

“Please don’t make me decide for your future because I don’t know how I’ll do it.”

Then the next events happened even more quickly. How you grabbed my hand and kissed me. How I melted into the kiss not long after, and soon I was sitting on your lap, my knees on either side of you. We kissed for an unknown amount of time before I cut it off to breathe in fresh air. Our lips were swollen and wet, there were tears in both our eyes, and we laughed about it, crashing our lips again. This time it was more teeth than making out, just… happiness. When you stopped the kiss again, you told me you loved me too. Repeatedly. And at the same time kissing me. You carried me to your shared room with Chan hyung, lips never disconnecting.

I remember that night. It was 7 years ago exactly today. I remember it because even though it slipped from me to confess, it only changed our relationship for the better. And I had you to hold whenever I wanted to.

The next morning, Chan hyung and Jisung didn’t say anything about seeing us walk out the room together, huge sweaters and small steps to somehow lessen the pain in our lower body. When we sat in the dining area, we were still up against each other, my head fitting perfectly on the crook of your neck. They shared a look, but nothing more than that. 

It must’ve been day three of us dating, still up in the cabin, when Chan hyung stopped the film we were watching. We had switched roommates by then, Chan hyung and Jisung now shared my old room with Jisung, and well, you know what happened in our new room. My head was still resting on your shoulder when he asked what was going on. We stared at him and then at Jisung. Then slowly we laughed, finally telling them that we were dating. I was happy. You were happy. Jisung started crying, remember? Said he didn’t expect us to even date, what more to have sex. You threw a pillow at him. Then, he called Hyunjin on FaceTime to show him how clingy we were. You told them to “leave us alone” and “this is to make up for the 12 years.”

The whole summer, we spent it together. We went on countless dates, most of which we’ve gone to before, except now it’s different. But at the same time, they really weren't all that different.  I mean, everyone pretty much thought we were dating before we were dating, so when we started dating, it just meant that we can kiss and that our future holds something more than we had initially thought. That instead of the tormenting position of watching you anticipate someone else walk down the aisle, I would be that person. That when we’re going to celebrate something it wouldn't be at your place or mine, it’ll be our place. That if we have kids to take care of, it won’t be yours or mine, it’s ours. 

We told our parents about us dating, they said that they’ve been waiting for the news to drop since we came out to them. Our sisters figured it out too, said that they’ve gossiped about us before and imagined what it’s like to be sisters in law. I guess they didn’t have to think far ahead. 

When summer was approaching its end, you told me you were going with Chan hyung and Jisung. You held my hand when I couldn’t say anything, then you brushed the tears off I didn’t even know were there. I don’t know why I cried, it wasn’t like I was gonna lose you, but I knew I’d miss you like a bitch. (Get that smug off your face.)

You decided to pursue that career and I finally settled down with a major. I majored in photography and music as a minor. Though mine wasn’t as huge of a deal as yours, my decision still made me nervous. Afraid that I had chosen wrong, but you told me that if it feels wrong, it’s okay to drop it. And I kept your words at the back of my mind. 

I cheered on your training days, you looked through my photography. I watched your debut, you listened to my projects for music. I went to your first stage performance, you came to my first photo exhibit. I screamed for your first win, you helped me get my first shoot. I hugged you when you brokedown over the hates, you lifted me up when I’m overwhelmed with university. I held your hand while you cried reading your fans’ messages, you held my hand waiting for the internship email. 

I watched you walk away to the airport on your first tour, you kissed me for a long time by the door, tears falling from both our eyes like heavy falls. 

We tried to talk to each other every night. We would call, either just voice or with video. Most times you’d fall asleep fast, sometimes it would be me being tired from university and studying. During the day, we would send each other messages, timestamps written everywhere since we rarely catch each other online at the same time, but the messages flowed like there were no pauses.

When it’s your break, you’d either come to my apartment with Hyunjin or at home. We don’t talk much those days, not because there’s a distance between us, but because we’re comfortable with silence. Though most times, we do talk a lot, words overlapping each other with how excited we want them to come out. 

Your breaks aren't particularly long, but we would try to spend each second without regrets. And unlike before, we’re limited to what we do. It’s okay. Because I’m still with you and that’s okay. 

Our moments aren’t big, they were rather… unusual. I declared we’re best friends right after fighting. You told me we’ll be friends forever while tackling me to the ground. We came out to each other and you got a scar on your left foot. I asked you to be my boyfriend the moment our backs landed on the bed after sex, panting for air. So it wasn’t a surprise how you proposed to me.

We were sitting in the living room, feet tangled with each other, for once not cuddling. We were watching yet another rendition of Spiderman (just how many do you think they’ll make of these superheroes?). I was focused on watching it, smiling at a scene with Peter Parker and Michelle Jones. Then, you kicked me softly. I looked at you and you had a ring in your hand. 

I’m gonna repeat myself once more here but I wouldn’t be lying when I tell you how you still looked like the nine year-old boy, knocking on our front door, saying, “Hi. My name is Seo Changbin!”

“Will you marry me?”

I let out a few tears, nodding because words couldn’t escape my mouth. I tackled you to the couch, still a fucking mess. In the midst of the sobbing, I’m pretty sure I managed to choke out multiple yeses before kissing you repeatedly. The ring fit perfectly on my finger, and I kissed you again like it was breathing for me. 

God, I just really fucking love you. 

Now, 19 years later, miles away from home, just like the same day we first said “I love you”, except this time, we’ll both say, “I do.” 

And I assure you that every step, every struggle, I’ll just think back to our story and remember all the shit we went through to get where we are now. To make myself stronger, to keep our marriage stronger. Once we say the words today, in front of the officiant, nothing will change. We’ll continue to date each other, treat each other as the best friends we are, they said marriage grows stronger that way. We already know what’s best for each other, we know how to stay open to our feelings, and we trust each other without knowing what the hell future will bring, so this next step to our relationship, only means we share bills and file taxes together.

I love you so much, Changbin hyung and I can’t wait to spend eternity with you.

“Minnie, when they said make a vow they didn’t mean write our whole story.”

Seungmin pushes Changbin slightly, tears falling from both their eyes after recalling their story.

“I hate you,” the younger says, shoving the paper back to his wallet, now drenched with a couple tears.

Through a piercing whisper, Changbin continues, “And you really painted Minho hyung as a homewrecker!”

“Ya!” Minho screams from the row right behind Changbin, the crowd erupts with laughter. Seungmin meets Felix's eyes on the opposite side of the gathering, laughing but also longing. Seungmin only gives him a sympathetic smile before turning his attention back to the officiant.

“And now,” the officiant says. “Seungmin, do you take Changbin to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him forevermore?”

Seungmin smiles at Changbin, holding his hand tighter, “I do.”

“And Changbin, do you take Seungmin to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him forevermore?”

“Too late to say no, now, huh?”

“Hyung!”

Changbin laughs, wiping a tear off Seungmin’s cheek with the back of his hand. A smile never leaving his face throughout the entirety of the ceremony even if tears were shed during Seungmin’s vow, “I do.”

Their rings were brought forward by Jisung’s son, running towards his fathers immediately once Seungmin and Changbin picked up the rings, barely even acknowledging the two males (Jisung always says he'll come around). It was a replica of their bracelet, silver band with engravings of their initials, same value and meaning, except this one holds more of their future.

“Go forth and live each day to the fullest,” the officiant smiles, stepping back. “You may now kiss the groom.”

Seungmin holds Changbin’s face, smiling softly before giving him a quick, sweet, chaste kiss. Changbin pulls his now husband back again, giving a longer, messier kiss. The crowd—their friends, mostly—cheers loudly for the newly wed.

“I present you, Mr. Seo Changbin and Mr. Kim Seungmin.”

Changbin pulls his husband closer by the waist, a small, tender smile that never fails to reflect on Seungmin. He wraps both his arms around Changbin's shoulder, a huge smile engraved on his face as Changbin stares at his lips and gives him a gentle kiss once more.

“I love you, Minnie.”

“I love you, too, hyung.”

As they lead the guests out, not only were they heading for an unforgettable night, but to a journey that awaits them and a harmonic lifetime to spend together.

April 20, 2077

Dear Minnie,

It’s my turn now. 

fin.