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Thanks to their detour it was an extra night in the deep roads, another night to think on how she failed, another night to think on how she would tell Mother.
She had begged her not to take him, and Carver had wished to go. Carver was beyond useful on the battlefield and she couldn’t stand to leave him. And now she doesn’t even know if he’ll survive the night, if he's even alive now.
Hawke turned in her sleeping bag, she could hear Varric snoring, Anders had first watch but she couldn’t tell where he was.
She was damn lucky he was there. Having two mages can be annoying, throw an archer in the mix and it can be painful. But Anders is a healer and that’s damn useful. And if she's honest she may have felt something for him, but right now all she feels is regret and hurt.
Hawke rolls over and unwillingly sniffles. No, she couldn’t do this, not here, she needs to sleep, if Anders or Varric know she’ll hate herself for it, she has a Maker damn reputation.
A reputation that Carver hated…
And here come the water works, she rolled over again and let out an audible jiggered breath.
How could she let that happen to Carver?
“Hawke?”
Hawke froze as the whispers reached her ears, so Anders was there after all, maybe if she was still enough she could fool him into thinking she was asleep.
“Hawke? Are you alright?”
“I know you're awake.”
As Hawke sat up she tried to calm herself.
Anders put a hand on her shoulder. A few moments passed in silence before Anders spoke. “Carver is strong, he’ll live.”
“He trusted me, Mother trusted me.”
“It was beyond your control.”
“No, it wasn’t. We should have concentrated on getting out alive instead of just getting out.”
“He will be alright, and you know it.”
For the first time Hawke looked into Anders’ face, really looked. So much sadness and experience in his eyes.
“You have survivors’ guilt, but you wont have it for long. I know it’s hard losing someone you hold so dear.”
And oh boy did that piss Hawke off.
“You were raised in the tower, your closest ‘friends’ were mages, who you ran away from. The highest I've ever heard you talk about a living thing was a cat. Carver’s my brother, and as much as he hated it, I'm his sister and we stuck together. He was there when we escaped Lothering, when Bethany died, when we had to work our asses off just to get into Kirkwall. And as much as we didn’t like it he kept me out of the Templar’s hands. And now he’s gone. Now I have to tell Mother that despite her begging me not to taking him, that he's gone and I don’t know if he will be coming back, so I have to tell her that a second child is gone because of me.”
Hawke buried her face in her hands and preyed that Varric hadn’t heard, her face was hot and wet and Anders had long taken his hand away. Varric’s snoring was the only thing to fill the silence.
“Do you know what it’s like to be on the run all your life, knowing that when you go to sleep you could wake up tranquil. I want to have a life, to love, to not worry about Templars. But I cant, so I'm making it better for other mages, for the future mages.” Anders rose to his feet. “At least you have people to love.” Anders wasn’t looking down at her, his eyes were level and he was lost in memory. A moment passed and Anders made a move to leave.
“Don’t go.” Anders froze as Hawke sniffles, “I'm sorry. I'm angry and I have no right to take it out on you.”
“I know… it’s just… I didn’t mean to guilt you.”
Hawke balled up and began to sob. Anders took one last look around and sat down by her side.
“It will be alright, he will be alright.” Anders whispered as he gently rubbed her back.
They sat like that for hours, long passed Anders’ guard hours. At some point Hawke had leaned into Anders and eventually calmed down enough to talk.
“It must be hard being a healer. So many people depending on you, you being their last hope. It must be hard when you can’t do anything.”
“You have to distance yourself, it helps a lot.”
“But the pain still remains.”
“Yes, it does.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be, you can’t do anything.”
“I mean…” truth be told, Hawke didn’t know what to say. “Well, I guess, for everything. You don’t like it down here and I made you come, and then I say awful things to you. I just… I don’t know. I'm sorry.”
“It’s alright.”
A few more moments passed.
“Anders?”
“Yes?”
“I know a little bit of healing magic, it’s not much but its useful.”
“Hope you don’t plan on replacing me.”
“I wanted to know if it would be alright if I came down to the clinic and help out when I get some time.”
“Of course, any help would be nice.” Anders’ hand had moved from her back to her shoulder. Holding her to him.
“Do you really think Carver will be alright?”
“Being a Grey Warden is hard but Carver is strong. Have faith.”
Nothing was said after that. The night went on and at some point Hawke fell asleep on Anders, and he didn’t dare move. He would have to make up some excuse why he didn’t wake Varric, but for now he had a pretty girl in his arms. In another life he had told another pretty lady about his retirement plan, of course that was impossible now. But for now, just for a while, he could dream.