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I’ve been staying at King’s Row for a few weeks now. It may not be better than Exton, but at least there is a possibility. A possibility to face Jesse.
I was here because of Jesse Coste. I wanted to face him so badly. I loathe him from his skin to his bones. The very memory of him made me mad. Jesse was the one I pursued the most. I never thought I would obsess about someone else. Until, I met…
Nicholas claimed to be my “friend”. Jesse was my friend once. Nicholas let me in and gave me a smile despite us being rivals. I guess we aren’t anymore. Are rivals even allowed to be friends?
He made me feel different. This feeling came from my chest. It spread to the peak of my thoughts then to the depths of my stomach. It spread faster than the coronavirus. It felt so familiar. The nostalgia wouldn’t let me sleep at night. Though I couldn’t tell what it was, it felt as if I felt this with Jesse.
Nicholas just has this thing about him. His voice was like a song that I could never forget. His words were as alive as he was. He was an element I remembered but could not name. He was a poem I could read but could not explain. He was a question I could understand but could not answer. His body became something I wanted but could never have. That was him. He was the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. But even though he was just right in front of me, I could never have him. He was Nicholas Cox whether I liked it or not.
I woke up a few minutes too early today. I stared at the plain white ceiling for a while before turning over to my right. Moonlight spilled through the window onto the floor. The curtain was not fully drawn. I saw him. In the dark. He was fast asleep, all sprawled on his bed. It hurt to watch him. I turned to face the wall behind me. I went back to sleep, my chest aching and my mind full.
Nicholas didn’t affect my fencing. Good. I did not allow him to ruin my determination and reputation. I had to focus. Out. Out. Out of my thoughts.
I got concerned when the time came that I had to fence him. I worried. I internally panicked. I worried too much. I cared too much.
I won to him, fifteen to one. As soon as the match ended, I trudged as fast as I could, as discreetly as I could, to the restroom. He was about to approach me about something, but I ignored him. I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t bear his anger towards me. I should have let him win, just this once. But I can’t do that. I can’t lose. I had to escape.
I entered the restroom. It was empty. I went straight for the sink and turned on the tap. I splashed water into my face, attempting to forget about Nicholas, about Jesse, about taking the last point, about everything, about fencing.
Why am I this way?
What is he to me?
What am I to him?
What was Jesse to me?
What was I to me?
More questions, no answers. More tears, no breaths. More pain, no gain.
“You okay?”
I turned around. Nicholas.
“Are you crying?” he asked. The pity on his face was annoying. I wasn’t mad at him. I could never be. I was mad at myself. For being so weak to cry in the restroom, in front of him.
I wiped my eyes, turning away from him. “You should go.”
“Seiji,” he pleaded.
“Just leave.” I did my best to stop the shaking in my voice. He couldn’t see me like this.
He walked towards me. I held my breath. I avoided his glance. He put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and backed away from him.
“Did I do something wrong?” he questioned, worry lingering at the tip of his tongue.
“No,” I said quietly. “It wasn’t your fault at all.”
We were silent for a while. He was too close. I didn’t want to hurt him. Please go away.
“Why’ve you been acting up lately?” he finally said. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I was,” I sniffed. “I was never good at having these kinds of conversations, so we’d be doing nothing but wasting time.”
He stepped closer, breaking the five feet we had in between us. “You know you can talk to me,” he said as he lay a hand on my shoulder. “Right?”
I shrugged it off and took a step back. No. No, can’t. My chest tightened and my fists clenched. If this went any longer, I might’ve been able to cough up flower petals already. But at least that was better than facing the truth.
“Look,” he started. “I don’t know why this is happening, but I know that it can’t just be nothing. There has to be some kind of reason why you’re acting up like thi-”
“IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU!” I cut him off.
More tears rushed down my face. Not because I was mad at him, but because of the guilt that overcame my whole body. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine…
“No. Not you,” I choked. “Me. It was me. The weak, selfish, and cowardly me. And nothing bad would have ever happened if I didn’t care or worry so much. We both wouldn’t be in this situation if I didn’t feel this way. It’s all. My. Fault. And I still blamed it on you.”
I could feel him looking down on me. He’s probably disgusted in me now.
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” he questioned.
“If you’re asking if I’m confessing right now,” I asked, my voice weak. “Then… yes. Are you fucking satisfied?”
There was a silence, which I felt was my cue to go. Because there was no way he was going to.
I walked past him, avoiding eye contact. I might never look at him again. It hurts. It really does. But he grabs me by the arm.
“Once again,” he said, lifting my chin. “You beat me to it.”
His lips met mine, and I finally let go. He took the pain away. My mind went blank. I felt alive again. Happy.
I pulled back and looked at him. His eyes were slightly open and his mouth curved into a grin.
“I think,” he whispered, pulling my waist closer. “I might be in love.”
“Shut up,” I whispered back, reconnecting with his mouth.
The world didn’t seem so bad anymore. I mattered to him. He mattered to me. He was right in front of me, and it didn’t hurt.
I was here because of Jesse Coste. I wanted to face him so badly. I loathe him from his skin to his bones. The very memory of him made me mad. Jesse was the one I pursued the most. I never thought I would obsess about someone else. Until, I met Nicolas Cox.