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My name is Kokichi Ouma and I am cursed. When I was a baby, my family noticed I didn’t behave as a regular infant would. I never cried, I never got excited, I never showed any emotion. They tried anything they could to make me feel something but nothing ever worked much to their chagrin. They were grasping at straws when they decided to ask a witch for help. The hag gave me a tonic of sorts and told my parents I would gain the ability to feel but the catch was it would only be after I met the one who would cause my death. My parents, of course not believing this, disregarded this information. Strangely, that was the one thing I remembered out of all the attempts to “cure” me.
My eventually grew to despise me. They looked at me as though I was the cause of all their misery. I couldn’t blame them. I wasn’t the bouncing baby they had dreamed of and because of me they were too scared to have another. They feared having another emotionless meat bag. Children around me growing up weren’t any different. I never received any bullying, but this was because everyone feared me just as much as my parents. Because of this I never made friends. I didn’t mind however, it gave me more room to seek out my own interests without interruptions.
One day saw an advertisement for a show I enjoyed. They had just opened applications for possible contestants. I decided to join. When I entered the audition building, there were many high school students. They were either grouped up or on their own. It was a new experience, not having people glaring at me as I walked past them. The people in charge were having us film our reason why we wanted to join and what our ultimate talent would be. My reason was simple; I enjoyed the show and I lacked the emotions to feel mercy so playing this game would be a breeze. My talent, a supreme leader. A dictator. I longed for the ability to make others lose their ability to feel and understand I am no stranger than they are. It was a sick and twisted way of thinking, but I had no sense of right or wrong.
The filming had come and gone quickly. I didn’t expect to be picked, but I had tried it as I intended. As I picked up my bag and began to exit the filming room, I noticed a boy in an academy uniform and a hat covering the view of his face headed in my direction. He was much taller than me and his uniform just screamed wealth. I attempted to avoid contact as I normally would with people who approached me, yet with him, I couldn’t bring myself to do such. It felt as though something was swelling inside me as his eyes met mine. It felt like something out of a romance novel. As if time had slowed down for the two of us, my pulse racing, and his eyes were the only thing that mattered, until finally he passed me. I had stopped dead for a moment to catch my breath. I had never felt such intensity from a simple glance. I had never felt anything.
When I looked back at the male, it appeared as though he had paused to look at me as well. I wondered if he had felt the same thing I had. Whatever the reason, he smiled at me, then walked off into the filming room. I hadn’t moved. I froze in place. Many thoughts swirled within my mind at that moment. It felt as though I had just fallen prey to some sort of seduction, yet the male did nothing to suggest such. Then one thought continuously repeated. The witch’s words. Was this male truly destined to have a hand in my demise? It almost seemed impossible, yet how could I doubt it? The witch’s word had been proven correct, I met someone then suddenly I could feel everything I was once unable to.
Though the male with the hat had continued to linger in the back of my mind, when my family saw how I could finally emote, how I was finally able to be just like everyone else, for the first time in my life I cried. I didn’t entirely know how to handle these strange emotions at first, but my family who had been distant from me throughout my entire life, had become the supportive family they had always striven for. My parents were finally happy and so was I. Then results came back. I had been chosen for the game.
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Seeing Shuichi made me feel weird. Not the kind of butterflies in your stomach weird, I mean the deja-vu kind of weird. Before he left the dining area with Kaede, he looked back at me. Something about the way he looked back at me gave me both an uneasy feeling and a feeling of want. As if Shuichi had something I needed. The feeling was so strong it left me paralyzed. I tried to rationalize it thinking he could have possibly been looking anywhere else, but if it was just a trick of my mind why did it affect me so much? It felt almost like a bad omen. At the same time however, I welcomed it with open arms. This rush of unease I felt, it was intoxicating.
It almost sounds disgusting, but I wanted Shuichi to look at me more. I wanted him to make me feel that rush of terror over and over. Call me an adrenaline junkie, but I was obsessed with it. Maybe Shuichi will be my demise, but did it really matter when I felt so good from it? Did he feel that rush as well, I’d wonder, most likely not. Still, the urge to find why he makes me feel such a way intrigued me. This kind of feeling could drive someone to madness and I’m the man destined to bear such feelings.
Feelings are such a strange concept. I never understood others’ feelings. I never cared for others’ feelings. I’m curious to know what makes people tick so they feel a certain emotion. I always wondered what that was like. I always wanted to know what it’s like to feel the same emotions as a normal person. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but thanks to Shuichi, I know now. I’m simply cursed.