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Dazai leaned against the strong body seated behind him, reaching up to wrap his arms around the man’s neck. “I miss you,” he stated, plainly. “Of course I’m not the sappy type,” he grinned up at his boyfriend, “but I have so much to thank you for.” Smiling, Dazai turned around and gently kissed his partner.
Oda smiled gently and wrapped his arms around Dazai’s middle, pulling the shorter man closer. He accepted the kiss, capturing Dazai’s lips in his. Pulling away, he murmured, “I’m always with you,” pointing to Dazai’s heart. He looked straight into Dazai’s eyes, conveying his conviction, “I’m proud of you. You’ve become a better man.”
Looking down, Dazai allowed a sadness to briefly overcome his gaze. “That doesn’t make me a good man.”
“I didn’t say good. I said better.” Pulling Dazai close, Oda nuzzled his face into the top of the shorter man’s head.
Closing his eyes, Dazai leaned into the embrace, pulling the other man closer to him. Enjoying the comfortable silence, he reflected, ‘Odasaku is the reason I am the person I am today. I fulfilled his last wish by abandoning the Port Mafia. He pushed me to choose the side of good.’ He peeked up at his boyfriend, hugging him tighter. ‘I miss this,’ he thought. Dazai’s mind flashed back to the quiet nights after completing a mission for the Port Mafia, sitting in this bed together. Decompressing and letting all of our emotions out. Out there, as members of the Port Mafia, we had to be stoic, ruthless. However, here, we can just be ourselves.’
Oda sat, silently, holding the other man close. “I want you to be happy.” He pulled away and said, sternly. “Promise me this, Dazai. Find someone else who can make you happy. I will always love you, but you deserve to move on and find someone else who can be special in your heart.”
A few tears fell from the corners of Dazai’s eyes, “I-,” he whispered as he felt his consciousness slip.
Dazai awoke with a start. Reaching up, he rubbed at his eyes. Glancing at his fingers, he noticed they were wet. “-love you too, Odasaku,” he finished. Sitting up, he stretched, thinking about Oda’s last words.
“Find someone else who can make you happy.”
Sighing, Dazai reached under his bed, pulling out a box. Opening it, he pulled out the photos. The first one, him, Oda, and Ango at Bar Lupin, taken soon before Oda’s death. Smiling sadly, he recalled the good times they had, when they weren’t on missions. He pulled out the next picture, a selfie shot of him and Oda at the fair for their first date. He was smiling at the camera and flashing a peace sign while Oda was being weighed down by his kids. The next picture, of them on their first anniversary. They’d had a nice picnic, just the two of them, in a nice garden, a place most would say is too bright for members of the Port Mafia, but out here, they were just Osamu Dazai and Sakunosuke Oda, two people in love. Dazai continued to go through the images, remembering each one fondly.
Dazai put the box away and stumbled to the bathroom. He pulled a roll of bandages out of the cupboard and sighed, reflecting on his and his partner’s first time being intimate.
The genuine look of fear and nervousness in Dazai’s eyes was new to Oda. Typically, the brunette held a steely, empty gaze. Except around himself and Ango, where his eyes would light up with a joyful playfulness. However, this, Dazai being hesitant and apprehensive and hesitant, was something that Oda had never seen before.
Sitting in only his underwear and bandages, Dazai could feel his heart pounding in his chest. “You won’t like what’s underneath,” he tried to quip, the wavering of his voice and shaky smile giving away his true nerves.
Oda stared into Dazai’s eyes. “I love all of you,” he emphasized. “Even the parts that you don’t.” He gently took the end of one of the bandages. “May I?” he asked, softly.
Closing his eyes and taking a shuddering breath, Dazai nodded.
Gently, Oda pulled Dazai’s shirt open, revealing the bandages underneath. Without comment, he reached back up, capturing the other’s lips in a deep kiss.
On top of everything else, Oda’s willingness to go at Dazai’s pace, allowing him to slowly become more and more comfortable with their intimacy, was something that made him love the other man. Oda understood his hesitancy. He didn’t push Dazai to reveal more than what he was comfortable with.
Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Dazai finished wrapping his bandages and headed out the door.
As he walked, Dazai could almost feel his dead lover. “It’s like you’re still there,” he murmured as a breeze swept across his hand. He clenched his fist, missing the feeling of Oda’s fingers threaded through his. He missed the other man’s sweet kisses to his forehead and his warm, secure hugs. In Oda’s arms, Dazai could feel at ease. He felt safe, like he would be okay.
“Find someone else who can make you happy.”
That phrase consistently repeated in Dazai’s head. Even after joining the Armed Detective Agency, he still felt a hole in his heart, a void that hadn’t been filled. However, after he found the weretiger (well, more like the weretiger found him), he could tell that he was starting to feel again. The boy looked up to him, hailed him as a role model. While Dazai knew he wasn’t a good person, he believed that he could be better, for Oda and for his protege.
Reaching the Agency’s door, Dazai wiped the emotion from his face, putting on the caricature of stupidity he adopted for his days at the office. “Good morning, Atsushi!”