Archive of Our Own

life had always been on jeongguk’s side.

now, jeongguk would admit that his life definitely hadn’t just been a dance on red roses— he’d had his fair share of mishaps. the way his eyes and nose seemed too big for his head when he was a kid was one of the many things that had caused jeongguk’s childhood to be quite eventful, filled to the brim with heated slurs and a few kicks and punches here and there. the fact that he lived in one of the best neighborhoods in town and yet, went to the public school in one of the poorest communities in town was also one of the things that had made school difficult. yes, jeongguk had, had his own little mishaps, had taken his fair share of bad luck and badly aimed punches but if you looked at the bright side of things, - and jeongguk always did - life had always been on his side.

how else was he supposed to explain the way that min yoongi had aimlessly wandered into his life when he was a kid, with his green and torn up hoodie, a bandaid on his left cheek and messy hair. yoongi had wandered into jeongguk’s life and became a part of his life - his daily routine - the same way a wildfire would spark in the californian forests, a tiny spark that quickly turned into a flame, covering ground until everything is burning burning burning until the air is no longer clean, until you could no longer remember what the sky looked like before it was filled with smoke.

min yoongi had entered jeongguk’s life like a beacon of light, and there was no other way to explain it other than jeongguk’s tiny amount of good luck poured into a sea of bad, there was no way to explain it other than life had always been on jeongguk’s side.

until it wasn’t.

—

“oh my,” seokjin exclaimed in surprise when he entered the empty corridor, blue chairs lined up along the walls so neatly that it looked wrong— too clinical, too formal, a too colorless and saturated place to put someone like yoongi. jeongguk’s head snapped up from where he was slumped over in one of the chairs, his entire body aching from being seated in the same slumped position overnight, his eyes weary and blurry as they attempted to focus on the tall figure in front of them. when jeongguk’s eyes finally focused in on seokjin’s worried expression, his raised brows and his nurse uniform, jeongguk merely grunted, letting his head fall back against the wall behind him as he focused his gaze back towards the white ceiling. seokjin sighed, a sympathy heavy sigh, “jeongguk-ah, you look like shit.”

jeongguk snorted, the corners of his mouths raising slightly up into a half-hearted smile, “thanks, hyung.”

seokjin rolled his eyes, letting out a huffed laugh as he sunk into the uncomfortable chair next to jeongguk, his gloved hand immediately landing on the younger’s knee. seokjin’s pep talks were always worse than everybody else’s because the older actually knew what he was talking about and opposed to jimin, hoseok and namjoon, the older nurse wouldn’t tell jeongguk things that weren’t true. not once, during the entire week yoongi had been laying lifeless like a pretty porcelain doll in that clinical, not homely, not theirs bed, had seokjin told him that it was nothing to worry about— that it was just a bad cold, and he’d be out of there before he knew it. because jeongguk knew, and seokjin knew - even the others knew, despite refusing to admit it - that, that simply wasn’t the case.

“yah, you know i didn’t mean it like that,” seokjin exclaimed smacking his arm playfully. after that, the corridor once again fell into the heavy silence that it always seemed to be drowning in. jeongguk wondered if this particular hallway was always so sad, so muffled. if this hallway was one that they used for particularly hopeless cases— if yoongi was a hopeless case. while jeongguk’s thoughts had run off with jeongguk in tow, seokjin had stood up from his seat, flicking through the papers on his clipboard, obviously having somewhere to be, “gguk-ah, seriously, go home. take care of yourself, you know i’ll contact you if there’s news.”

jeongguk hung his head with a sigh, his eyes falling close. he was exhausted. yoongi had been there for a week, and jeongguk had barely been home— only to water their plants or to get a couple of hours of rest on their barely comfortable couch, “i have to be here, hyung— he’s been pretty out of it the entire week, resting almost all hours of the day and when he does wake, he seems too weak to process anything that’s going on around him— but when he does open his eyes, i want to be the first thing he sees.”

jeongguk’s words came out as a whisper and he wasn’t certain if seokjin even heard him, before he heard shuffling and suddenly, seokjin was crouched in front of him, eyes gentle and smile soft. jeongguk could see how seokjin fitted perfectly into the profession he’d chosen, could tell that seokjin was used to bringing bad news to loved ones, used to being the broad shoulders they crumble on. jeongguk swallows thickly, feeling his heartbeat slowly speed up, his palms going clammy, “if he wakes up and i’m not here, i-i don’t know—“

“hey, gguk, i need you to slow down for me, alright?” seokjin asked gently and jeongguk let out a shaky exhale of breath— a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in, immediately inhaling another shaky breath. he felt as though he was drowning. when jeongguk didn’t reply, seokjin asked again, and jeongguk managed to give a curt nod as he felt seokjin’s hands grab a firm hold of his shoulders, his gaze stern as he watched jeongguk attempt to lasso his heart back into pace. yoongi had always been the best at calming him down— one look into those dark kitten eyes and jeongguk would forget why he was even nervous or angry to begin with. it was impossible to feel anything but love when he looked into the cocoa orbs of his fiancé.

“hyung,” jeongguk’s voice came out hoarse and broken, “i’ve arranged so many funeral flowers, so many sad ornaments and condolence bouquets, i can’t— i have to see him. please, let me see him.”

“gguk-ah,” seokjin breathed softly, his brows furrowing in pain, “you know i can’t let you in. vulnerable patients have limited visits, you know this.”

jeongguk nodded dumbly, because he did know. he’d found that out the hard way, when he’d stumbled into the hospital after frantically racing through the city only to find that he wasn’t allowed into yoongi’s room. instead, he was allowed to stand outside, staring in through the small cracks of the curtains. he was allowed to sit outside, in the uncomfortable blue chairs and once in a blue moon he was allowed inside for two minutes to stare at his lover from a distance. seokjin’s hand on his shoulder moved in comforting patterns as jeongguk struggled to get his heartbeat under control.

when jeongguk finally seemed to be breathing normally, seokjin let out a sigh of relief, standing back up on his feet. jeongguk kept his gaze on the floor, running a hand through his hair. he was certain there must be permanent rows in his tousled hair from all the times he’d run his tattooed fingers through it, his hair must look awful, but jeongguk didn’t have the heart to care. instead, jeongguk’s heart was laying in a hospital bed with an heart monitor, weak kitten eyes only opening once every other day. jeongguk blinked down at the floor, the pattern of the linoleum floors dancing around hypnotically and right when jeongguk was about to agree, that maybe he should go home and crash on their ugly yellow couch, let himself drown in the leftover scent of yoongi that still lingered in their apartment, maybe he should open the door to their bedroom that had been closed since the morning yoongi had collapsed— but then a white mask and a plastic gown was shoved into his hands.

“alright, gguk,” seokjin said, exasperated, although his eyes were fond, “i really shouldn’t do this while they’re running tests, but i’m gonna let you have two minutes with him, just— he’s still very weak so don’t expect him to answer.”

jeongguk’s head shot up, wide doe eyes locking with seokjin’s and before seokjin could process or even take a step backwards, jeongguk was up and out of his seat, arms wrapping around his middle as he squeezed the life out of him, “thank you, hyung, thank you so much, you’re the best.”

“i know,” seokjin teased, patting the younger’s head as he watched him hurriedly throw on the gown and the mask. normally jeongguk would’ve rolled his eyes and yoongi would’ve smacked seokjin’s arm at the older’s confident and shameless comment, but jeongguk was too caught up in his thoughts, too caught up in the temporary happiness flooding his veins, too busy tying the gown around his waist to send a sassy remark back at his hyung. seokjin smiled fondly, shaking his head before turning to lead the younger into yoongi’s room.

jeongguk would never get used to it. yoongi had always been pale, his skin looking like freshly fallen snow or like white chocolate or milk— but it had taken on a sickly green tint, his kitten eyes were closed and yet he still managed to look exhausted. his expression was peaceful and maybe jeongguk would’ve been able to convince himself - pretend - that he was just sleeping, if it wasn’t for the unnatural way he was laying, neatly placed as if he hadn’t moved in inch since he was first tucked in. his clothes had been replaced by a write gown, his wrist had an orange hospital wristband around it and he was on his back, head propped up on a pillow, arms aligned straight along his sides— not at all like the way yoongi usually slept, on his side with a hand tucked between his legs, quiet huffs of air escaping his pink lips.

jeongguk stood still, the beeping of the monitor filling the room as he once again took in the sight of the smaller man, as if he was afraid one wrong move or one wrong breath would break him. seokjin nudged his shoulder gently, nodding towards yoongi’s frail body, and jeongguk walked towards him, body stiff and tense— he hated it, he hated it because he wasn’t supposed to be uncomfortable around yoongi, he had never been uncomfortable around him before. jeongguk sat down seemingly in slow motion on the chair beside his bed, his eyes locked upon his face, glaring at his eyes as if he thought he might just open them if he stared long enough.

“you can touch him,” seokjin mumbled out, looking rather spaced out himself, his own eyes also trained upon yoongi’s delicate frame. seokjin wasn’t allowed to treat yoongi— had almost stormed straight past jeongguk in the waiting room and into yoongi’s room as soon as he heard the news, however, he was stopped as it wasn’t appropriate for someone with emotional ties to treat him. jeongguk breathed out shakily, his caramel tanned hand slowly trailing to where yoongi’s hand was laying. he almost gasped at how cold they were, but that was nothing new, yoongi’s hands were always cold. jeongguk chuckled, immediately feeling the tension seep out of him.

he sandwiched yoongi’s small and cold hand between his own bigger and warmer hands, feeling his heart swell with love as he looked at yoongi’s peaceful expression before whispering out a low, “i’ll always hold your hand, hyung.”

—

“weirdo!” jeongguk’s head had shot up at the sudden slur being thrown through the air of the playground. his brow furrowed, his lip protruding in a pout as he let go of the bucket he’d been filling with sand, doe eyes searching the playground for the source of the disruption. eventually, his eyes ended up at the big oak tree in the back of the playground. a small kid, with black fluffy hair and a neon red coat was sitting on the ground, staring up at what seemed to be three of the kids from the older classes. jeongguk grumbled as he recognized them, one of them being the guy who always called him buck teeth and threw a variety of items after him in lunch break such as pencil cases, erasers and pencils— sometimes even the books they were supposed to read. the kid was nothing but trouble, and yet, jeongguk found himself halfway across the playground, in the boy’s direction, before he could even process it.

his legs seemed to have a mind of their own, slowly carrying him across the playground. the bullies and the boy on the ground hadn’t spotted him yet, but jeongguk could easily make out the victim’s features. it was the new kid. a new boy, two classes above jeongguk’s— however, jeongguk’s school wasn’t big, and everyone knew everyone which was both good and bad. the kid, jeongguk never got his name, hadn’t said a word as he was introduced by the principal at assembly, seemingly sunken in on himself and hiding behind his hair as it flopped in front of his eyes. an awkward silence had been stretched in the air, right until the crowds of students had begun whispering and snickering amongst themselves, only making the boy sink further into himself.

jeongguk arrived just in time to hear the main bully, ben, laugh harshly as he sarcastically remarked, “what, can’t you talk?”

the small boy on the grass seemed dazed, his eyes locked on the grass but showing little to no emotion. he didn’t flinch at ben’s harsh words, didn’t even raise his eyes to look at him and jeongguk felt awe blooming in his chest, a sudden need to know more about the mystery boy. to befriend him. the boy’s stuff was sprawled around him, notebooks and pencils that looked old and rusty scattered around the boy’s small form, his blue backpack thrown several feet away, which jeongguk guessed was ben’s doing. as jeongguk got lost in the boy’s features, his cool looks and his cool attitude, ben only seemed to get angrier and eventually took another step towards the boy.

the boy finally seemed to snap out of his trance, flinching when ben kicked his notebook across the grass, a small whine of protest leaving his lips. ben laughed and jeongguk felt his blood boil as anger settled in his stomach, and before he could think it through or even think about what he’d say, he’d stepped into everyone’s line of sight, successfully blocking the new kid from the mean boys, a scowl etched onto his face as he stared them down. jeongguk was only nine and ben was twelve, jeongguk knew that he would get his ass kicked if he put himself up against him, especially when he wasn’t even that popular to begin with, but something about the small boy in the grass looking utterly heartbroken about his now even more damaged notebook made him want to step in, made him want to save the day— save him.

“why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” the words flew out of jeongguk’s mouth before he could even stop them, and really, they didn’t make much sense. ben was both taller and broader than jeongguk, however, the new kid seemed smaller than the both of them so jeongguk merely stood tall, almost stretching onto his tippy toes, holding his head high. the boy on the ground was staring at jeongguk, his eyes dark and wide, and jeongguk thought they kind of reminded him of a little kitten. he almost giggled at the thought, but then his eyes travelled down the boy’s face, settling on the small red mark in shape of a handprint was settling into the boy’s pale skin and once again, anger was flaring in him and he swiftly turned his attention back to ben, “you’re not allowed to hit, it’s mean!”

“yeah?” ben mocked, laughing. as soon as ben laughed, it seemed to trigger a domino effect and the kids behind him started snickering as well. all of them had scowls on their faces, harsh and hateful glares in their eyes and jeongguk couldn’t recognize any of them, “what’re you gonna do? tell your mommy, little boy?”

jeongguk’s lips protruded in a pout, his brows furrowing at the comment about his mom. he blinked, staring up at ben who only laughed harder at the nine year old’s expression. he brought his hands up to his eyes pretending to wipe away tears as he mock-cried in a teasing way. jeongguk frowned, his hands balling into fists, his tiny body shaking with anger but he seemingly couldn’t move. he was frozen in his spot, and he was screaming in his brain because he wanted to move, do anything to save the new kid, to prove himself worthy of friendship. the new kid’s eyes had in the meantime filled with tears, his knees brought up to his chest and his pale arms hugging them tightly.

“run along, bucky,” ben sneered, stepping around jeongguk to get to the boy on the ground, “i’m just having some fun with new kid.”

the kid’s head shot up, his eyes wide and when a single tear finally escaped from over the waterline, ben laughed once again before taking another step towards him. the boy hugged his legs closer, squeezing his eyes shut and waited for the impact of whatever ben was about to do. once again, jeongguk’s body had a mind of its own, his hands immediately dashing out and pushing ben so hard that he fell to the ground with a thud. the new kid gasped, immediately blinking his eyes open, and jeongguk hurriedly sat down in front of him, trying to shoot him the kindest smile he could muster, “hey, i won’t hurt you. i’m jeongguk!”

the new kid didn’t get to reply before jeongguk was yanked back harshly by his hair, letting out a yelp of pain. jeongguk watched with wide eyes as the new kid stumbled up from his spot on the ground, turning on his heel and running full speed. jeongguk gaped after him, but didn’t have time to wonder or even be hurt, because ben’s fist collided with his face before he could even think about the fact that he’d just been left to seemingly die at his school bully’s mercy. the punches turned into kicks and jeongguk felt stabs of pain on various parts of his body before a whimper filled the air, a whimper that wasn’t jeongguk’s, and his eyes shot open to see that the new kid had miraculously gotten his tiny body squeezed in between ben’s foot and jeongguk’s body.

“no,” jeongguk breathed, immediately trying to move to check whatever damage had been done, but he didn’t get far before one of the teachers were standing in front of them, a furious expression on his face as he took in the two boys on the ground, the new kid holding onto his stomach and jeongguk littered with marks and bruises.

“ben!” the woman screeched, turning on the bully who now seemed much less intimidating, “why is it that the new kid comes and tells me that you’re being mean? what do you think you’re doing, young man?”

jeongguk watched amusedly as the teacher grabbed a hold of ben’s neck, forcing him to walk towards the school building - probably the principal’s office - before she sends a look over her shoulder, worried eyes meeting the new kid who had sat up from where he’d been sprawled before.

“yoongi,” the teacher said gently and the boy’s head perked up. yoongi. yoongi. it fit him, jeongguk decided, “can you take jeongguk to the nurse? i’ll let your teacher now you’ll be late for next lesson.”

yoongi nodded, and the two boys watched in silence as the teacher dragged a whining ben towards the school building as the kids on the playground watched. the two boys were left in complete silence, before yoongi suddenly turned to him, a glare in his eyes, mouth pressed into a thin line. he grumbled under his breath, “why did you do that? are you stupid? you could’ve gotten hurt, you should’ve just let me handle it! god—“

yoongi slaps jeongguk’s arm a couple of times as if he’s trying to get a point across, but there was barely any power in the punch, and it barely felt like a poke. yoongi continued to grumble as he picked up his things, shoving them into his backpack before his worried gaze settled upon jeongguk. with a stern expression that really didn’t fit an eleven year old, yoongi grabbed onto jeongguk’s arm, yanking him up and then continued to tug jeongguk into the school building, following the signs to the nurse’s office, grumbling under his breath the entire way about how reckless jeongguk was, and how little kids shouldn’t throw themselves into fights like that and although jeongguk wanted to be offended, he couldn’t help the giggle from escaping his lips.

yoongi’s sharp gaze turned to him, “what?”

“nothing, nothing,” jeongguk threw his hands up in surrender but the giggles kept flowing, “you’re just like a little kitten!”

yoongi stopped dead in his tracks, turning swiftly to glare at jeongguk with a newfound coolness in his eyes. jeongguk’s mouth fell open to apologize but he was instantly cut off by yoongi defensively exclaiming, “yeah? well, you look like a bunny!”

silence filled the hall to the brim as the two boys stared at each other, and yoongi focused his glare on the floor, his cheeks dusted light pink. it didn’t take long. suddenly jeongguk broke into laughter, sweet honey giggles filling up the hallway and bouncing off the walls. yoongi was staring at him with wide eyes, his offended expression only making the younger kid laugh harder, pure joy in his bright eyes as he hurriedly added, “i love kittens! so cute!”

yoongi spluttered, his eyes wide and his cheeks turning cherry red. jeongguk only kept laughing, before yoongi grabbed a strong hold of jeongguk’s hand, wordlessly dragging him down the hall towards the nurse’s office. a bandaid and a lollipop later, jeongguk was out and as good as new. he’d giggled throughout most of the examination while yoongi had sat like a grumpy kitten on the chair in the corner, glaring out the window. it wasn’t until they began walking back that yoongi finally stopped looking like he wanted to murder jeongguk. jeongguk had his hand wrapped tightly around yoongi’s as he led the older boy to the building he knew the older classes were. yoongi didn’t mention how tightly jeongguk was clutching his hand.

“if you— if you want, i can walk you to class and be with you in breaks! then you’ll always be safe from ben,” jeongguk exclaimed, yoongi didn’t reply, but his cheeks burned red and jeongguk had to suppress his giggle at his hyung’s cute behavior, “i’ll hold your hand and walk you to the door.”

it wasn’t until several minutes later, in front of the door to yoongi’s class that the older finally said something, “bunnies are cute too.”

the words were low and mumbled but jeongguk heard them and giggled, smiling brightly at yoongi who only looked nervously at the ground, his gaze flickering to the door every now and then. jeongguk’s brows furrowed, and he squeezed the hand that was still interlocked with yoongi’s, “don’t be nervous, hyung, i’ll always hold your hand.”

“always hold my hand?” eleven year old yoongi had shyly muttered, his eyes only meeting jeongguk’s for a second before falling down to meet with the floor. jeongguk stared for a second, letting yoongi’s words ring in his brain before a big smile lit up his face and he nodded eagerly, squeezing yoongi’s hand.

“always.” nine year old jeongguk replied.

—

over the years, jeongguk’s days had been painted into existence by yoongi. by yoongi’s fingertips trailing the tattoos on his fingers, by yoongi’s hand running through his hair, by yoongi squirming his way out of jeongguk’s strong hold and waddling into the kitchen, turning on his annoyingly loud coffee machine. jeongguk’s entire life had been marked up by yoongi, and now as he woke up, dangling off the edge of their couch, the loud grumbling of the coffee machine nowhere to be found, jeongguk found that he no longer had a concept of time. all of his days merged together into nothingness, into time where he didn’t have him, into meaningless ticking of the clock.

the sun would rise and the sun would fall, and jeongguk would still be sitting in the uncomfortable chair beside yoongi’s bed, staring at yoongi’s peaceful expression, living for the few times a day where he’d actually open his dark eyes, staring at jeongguk with a slightly confused expression, as if he couldn’t quite remember— but before the older could ask and before jeongguk could answer, his eyelids would fall shut once again, his thick lashes resting prettily on his cheekbone. each time would leave jeongguk feeling half-empty half-full, full from getting to see the constellations in his eyes and empty once they again fell shut.

yoongi’s eyes had just fallen shut, closing off the comforting galaxies roaming inside of them, and jeongguk’s hand was brushing through his messy black hair when jimin entered. jeongguk didn’t have to look to know that jimin wasn’t doing much better than himself. jimin had always been the one who was closest to yoongi in their friend group, squeezing himself into yoongi’s heart as if he was the childhood best friend and not jeongguk. jeongguk felt no resentment though— he couldn’t, not when he himself loved jimin as much as he did. not when he saw how happy the younger made yoongi, not when he knew that there were still gummy smiles and rosy cheeks and loving gazes that were reserved only for him.

“oh,” jimin’s voice was rough, splintery, and made jeongguk wince. he looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and sounded as if he’d spent his time awake screaming. jeongguk wouldn’t be surprised if he had. jeongguk was screaming too. at first, physical. almost guteral screams tearing from his throat, pain ripping at it but nowhere comparable to the feeling of his heart being ripped as well— and then, silent. screaming in his head, screaming with his eyes, screaming with the lingering touches he left on yoongi’s pale and cold skin. jeongguk was screaming twenty-four seven, and nobody was hearing him. nobody but jimin, “yoongi would beat our asses to the moon if he saw us right now.”

jeongguk chuckled, lowering his gaze from yoongi’s resting expression to where he was holding on tightly to his hand. he would, they both knew that. in fact, they’d both been scolded by yoongi before for various reasons although it usually was because they had neglected themselves— jeongguk when he was absorbed in his shop, trying to make ends meet and make their finances work out despite the fact that yoongi had more than enough money to pay for jeongguk’s expenses. jimin when he was trying to learn a new choreography, his body sweaty and aching as he refused to give it a break, despite how many times hoseok would tell him to slow down. eventually, it would lead to hoseok calling yoongi, who would show up and threaten jimin to call taehyung.

“what would we do without him?” jeongguk breathed out, the words mixed with a painful wet laugh, as he shook his head.

“hopefully, we won’t have to find out,” jimin muttered. he’d slowly migrated from the door of yoongi’s hospital room to where jeongguk was sitting, his tiny hand sprawled on top of jeongguk’s and yoongi’s. jeongguk smiled, faint and not nearly as colorful as his smiles could be, as they always were when they were directed at yoongi. he knew he should give jimin some alone time with yoongi, they were best friends after all— but his brain was screaming at him, to sit in that chair and not leave unless absolutely necessary. that he needed to soak up every last drop of yoongi that he could get.

jeongguk cleared his throat, “i’ll just— i’ll give you some time with him.”

jimin smiled softly and before jeongguk could maneuver his way out of the room, jimin’s shorter arms had wrapped around his middle, tugging him in for a soft hug. both of them were trembling, fear and pain rushing through their bloodstreams in such amounts that neither could put words on it. they didn’t need to, they knew exactly what the other felt. when they pulled back to stare at each other, jimin gave a curt nod, “taehyung will probably stop by later.”

jeongguk nodded, before turning and walking out of the room. jeongguk didn’t know why, but he kept walking. right past the seat he usually sat in, in the waiting lounge. right past the secretary desk and right into the yard of grass stretching behind the hospital. it was a nice, secluded garden, used by those who were admitted to the hospital. people in those familiar white gowns were walking around, orange wristbands on their wrists and some of them with iv-drips following them around on a rolling stand, some of them in wheelchairs.

jeongguk walked aimlessly around on the small paths, passing by a bench where an old couple was sitting. the woman was clearly sick, looking small and pale, but happy as she smiled at who jeongguk assumed was her husband. jeongguk smiled softly to himself, continuing down the path that was lined up with all kinds of flowers. the flowers did manage to temporarily distract him— it was his life’s passion after all, right after loving yoongi. flowers had always meant something special to jeongguk, something that brought beauty and joy into the world, something delicate and yet so strong. jeongguk crouched down in front of a patch of grass that had been prettily decorated by yellow dandelions. jeongguk smiled— the flower that was technically weed was beautiful, shining yellow in the sun’s rays.

—

jeongguk stood, panting as he admired his work. he’d raced around his house, throwing his toys in various directions, only leaving the cool ones on display. his brother was sitting bemusedly on the couch watching as he raced around the living room, cleaning it up (by throwing it into another room) and laying out snacks. it had to look perfect. it had too look perfect, because yoongi had promised jeongguk to help him with his homework. jeongguk was nervous, he could feel it in the way the blood seemed to rush under his skin and his heart seemed to beat faster than his body could keep up with— he was nervous, because yoongi had promised to help him with his homework with rosy cheeks and a shy smile, a low muttered, “i’ll help you, gguk-ah.”

jeongguk was hastily arranging pillows on the couch when the door bell rang, and his head shot up as he stared anxiously at the door. he knew yoongi probably wasn’t used to coming in this area of town, and he’d tried his best to make their house look as average as possible, trying to hide the items he knew were expensive— the last thing he wanted was to make yoongi feel less than, or bad about not having the same stuff as jeongguk. jeongguk ran to the door, stopping abruptly a few feet in front of it to calm his heart and school a calm expression on his face, ignoring his brother laughing in the background. when he deemed himself ready, he grabbed onto the door handle and swung the door open, revealing yoongi.

yoongi was wearing a yellow and blue striped shirt, blue shorts and a pair of worn out sneakers. his backpack was swung over his shoulder, his eyes nervous and shy as he stared at the ground, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and jeongguk was impossibly endeared, letting out a happy giggle at the sight. yoongi’s head shot up, his kitten eyes wide as he took in jeongguk’s smiley expression, before a small smile etched its way onto his lips. jeongguk grabbed a hold of his pale hand, ignoring the yelp it drew out from the older boy, yanking him to the couch with a, “hurry, hyung!”

“yah, jeongguk, let your friend breathe,” his brother reprimanded from his spot on the couch, squeezed into the corner so he wouldn’t get in the way. he would leave them to have some privacy, but he had to watch them— it was a part of his babysitting job. jeongguk only stuck his tongue out at his brother who scoffed and turned back to his phone. he gestured towards the couch and the display of snacks, yoongi eyeing them all curiously before scooting onto the floor next to the coffee table. jeongguk did the same, their knees brushing against each other under the table, making yoongi’s face turn beet red once again. jeongguk opened his bag, threw his math books onto the table.

“it’s on page thirty-two, it’s really hard though, hyung,” jeongguk rambled on as he flipped through the pages of his math text book, yoongi watching with a warm look in his eyes, blinking owlishly. when jeongguk finally found the page he was looking for, he scooted the book in yoongi’s direction who hesitantly stared down at the offending math equations. with a voice way too low for someone who was only eleven, yoongi began slowly explaining it and jeongguk didn’t know if his hyung was magic or maybe he was just a good teacher, but everything was easier to understand when it was yoongi’s voice who said it. jeongguk sat, doing his math homework while yoongi watched, every now and then giving jeongguk an encouraging nod— however, jeongguk quickly got bored and distracted, asking yoongi all kinds of questions that left the older stunned and stumbling for words as he tried to answer.

“where do you live, hyung?”

“how old are you?”

“do you have any pets?”

“do you have siblings, hyung? i’m sure anyone would be lucky to have you!”

“do you think i’ll be as cool as you when i’m eleven?”

“hyung, what’s your favorite color?”

“what’s your favorite subject in school?”

yoongi barely got his answers out before jeongguk had asked a new question, the older’s cheeks dusted pink at the random compliments and praises the younger threw into his questions. jeongguk’s brother was shaking his head fondly from his spot on the couch, laughing quietly at his younger brother’s eager voice asking question after question. jeongguk let out a gasp, making yoongi look at him questionably, “hyung! what’s your favorite flower?”

silence stretched thin between them, yoongi fiddling nervously with the pencil in his hand, his eyes immediately shooting down to the text book before he muttered out a low, “i like dandelions.”

“dandelions?” jeongguk’s brother suddenly pitched in, his voice incredulous, “aren’t they a weed?”

jeongguk, feeling weirdly defensive immediately fixed a glare in his brother’s direction, “dandelions are a great choice, hyung! even if they are a weed, they’re pretty and their seeds can fly!”

yoongi glanced up at jeongguk, his eyes wide and hopeful before a full-blown smile, gummy and all, was plastered onto his face and jeongguk found that he liked his hyung smiling way more than he liked his nervous frowns that he always wore. jeongguk’s brother had in the meantime gone to the kitchen to prepare dinner, leaving the two boys in comfortable silence as jeongguk continued his math. it was quiet quiet quiet, until yoongi suddenly uttered out, “you don’t think it’s a weird favorite flower? don’t you think that— i’m w-weird?”

“no!” jeongguk exclaimed so fast that it seemed to shock both himself and yoongi. his brother called from the kitchen and jeongguk smiled, a big bunny grin, before grabbing onto yoongi’s hand and tugging him to his feet, “come on, hyung, it’s dinner time!”

yoongi glanced down at their interlocked hands, before smiling and looking at jeongguk with shiny hopeful eyes, “always hold my hand?”

jeongguk giggled, “always, hyung!”

—

jeongguk and namjoon had been standing there for ages. the front door to yoongi and jeongguk’s tiny, cramped apartment looked as familiar as ever— dark green with a floral ornament hanging in a circle around the peephole. it was familiar, and jeongguk had been home a few times since yoongi had gotten admitted two weeks ago (although he preferred to sleep in an uncomfortable bent-over position on the chair next to yoongi), and yet the place felt so foreign. it was as if jeongguk was in a dream, it didn’t feel as if the apartment was actually his— it didn’t feel like it was actually their place, just a slightly more blurry version of it.

jeongguk blinked, staring at it taking in deep breaths. he didn’t know why it suddenly hit him so hard. maybe it was because the other times jeongguk had gone home he’d always made a pit stop at the local bar down the street so he was never fully coherent or even really there, whenever he went home. he’d never enter the bedroom, too scared of seeing the leftovers of what used to be their peaceful life. he’d only walked to the living room, crashed on their couch and left the next day after a shower so quick that it barely counted. he could sense namjoon’s presence behind him, a big hand landing on his shoulder and his head whipped around to look into namjoon’s gentle and kind eyes, “take your time, gguk-ah.”

jeongguk huffed in frustration. he didn’t have time. he needed to be back in that chair by yoongi’s bed as fast as possible. he knew that hoseok was there as he and namjoon were gonna clean their apartment, he knew that jimin and taehyung would stop by too, that seokjin was working a shift and was also wandering the halls of the hospital— he knew that they wouldn’t let anything happen to yoongi, but as much as he knew that, he also knew that if anything were to happen, they most likely had no control of it. jeongguk wouldn’t ever forgive himself if something were to happen to yoongi, and he wasn’t there.

“come on,” he huffed out, short and annoyed, hoping to god that namjoon knew his annoyance wasn’t at him. namjoon smiled, kind and dimpled, and jeongguk felt some of the tension seeping out of his muscles as an exhausted sigh left his parted lips. he could tell why seokjin had fallen for the man in the first place— seokjin was always stressed out, blaming himself for deaths or thinking he didn’t do his job well enough. he needed someone like namjoon. a gentle giant with kind eyes and a dimpled smile, wise words and comforting touches.

as soon as they entered jeongguk was hit by vanilla and lavender— a scent so devastatingly yoongi that it almost made him want to puke. he didn’t know how it was even possible for yoongi’s scent to still be soaked into every aspect of the apartment, but it was. it made jeongguk dizzy, made him wanna turn around and run straight out but he couldn’t. it also made him wanna just lay down and bathe in it, let himself indulge and soak in the scent that was yoongi. yoongi at the hospital barely had a scent, it had been overridden by the clean medical smell of hospital. jeongguk exhaled, blinking a couple of times before fully entering their apartment.

everything looked as it always did— their ugly couch with an abandoned blue blanket and a white pillow that jeongguk used when he crashed there, pictures on their walls almost mocking him, reminding him of a time where life wasn’t like it was now, a time where yoongi would open his eyes everyday, a time where jeongguk got to count the stars in them everyday. their dining room collided with their kitchen, their wooden dining table covered in recipe books and random pieces of paper that they’d written groceries on that they needed to get, random kitchen supplies were standing around along with random figures and small knick knacks they’d collected over the years. everything was a mess, exactly as it had always been and as it should be, everything looked as it always did— and yet, it was wrong.

“do you wanna—“ namjoon trailed off, scratching at his neck nervously, “do the bedroom, or do you want me to do that?”

jeongguk turned to where namjoon had put all of their cleaning supplies. jeongguk threw a single glance towards their bedroom door before inhaling, reaching out for the cloth namjoon was holding. namjoon handed it to him and wordlessly, jeongguk moved his way towards the bedroom. for a second, he just stood in front of the wooden door, staring at the sock hanging on the door handle from the night before yoongi had collapsed. it was stupid really, they weren’t in college anymore, it wasn’t their college dorms and nobody would come barging into their tiny apartment and find them having a heated make out session, and yet it was a strange joke between them to always put a sock there anyways. it made no sense, but it made yoongi giggle and so, jeongguk did it.

he chuckled, shaking his head fondly at the memory of yoongi, hazy eyes and rosy cheeks, staring at him with a dazed expression as jeongguk put the sock on the handle. he could vividly remember his sweet laugh when jeongguk was wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at him, before jumping onto the bed, making yoongi shriek as jeongguk’s weight made him jump up. as soon as yoongi had landed, jeongguk had been on him, kissing every patch of skin he could get to. jeongguk had been worried about yoongi’s panting, he was trying new medication and they didn’t know if he should be getting all hot and sweaty now, but yoongi insisted that he could take it, insisted that it would be fine—

“gguk,” namjoon’s gentle voice spoke, “you’re okay, ggukie, come on— just breathe with me.”

namjoon grabbed his hand, placing it over his own chest so jeongguk could feel namjoon’s steady heartbeat. jeongguk found his own heart slowing down to match, his breathing coming under control and he sent namjoon a half-forced smile before opening the door. their sheets were crumbled up the way he’d hurriedly left them when yoongi had collapsed on the floor. if he listened carefully, yoongi’s laugh, his gasps and his moans were still ringing throughout the room, and maybe he was dizzy, but he swore he could see himself and yoongi, dancing around the room the way they used to. jeongguk breathed heavily, taking a step inside and immediately spotted the sweater on the ground— yoongi’s. he always looked so good in it, so sweet and gentle and soft, made jeongguk’s entire system shut down. yoongi had him wrapped around his finger when he wore that shirt, really, yoongi had him wrapped around his finger no matter what. he slowly bent down to pick it up, the soft material familiar between his fingertips. he nuzzled his face into it, immediately getting a whiff of yoongi’s sweet and homely scent, sugary vanilla and fresh lavender.

—

“i’ve never had one,” yoongi muttered, staring shyly down at his lunch box. the sun was high on the sky, their lunch break halfway done. jeongguk had finally turned eleven, and had been invited to his first ever sleepover. he’d been in the middle of a rant about all the things they did, hoping that it was as cool as all the sleepovers his cool hyung must’ve been to, asking yoongi why he couldn’t make it, only to find out that yoongi had never been invited in the first place. jeongguk had defensively begun talking about how bad of a sleepover it was, saying that any sleepover yoongi had, had in the past was probably better than that one.

“never?” jeongguk breathed, an incredulous expression on his face. and when yoongi admitted to having never been to a sleepover, it didn’t take long for jeongguk to plan one himself, although the only one he invited was yoongi. he built a fort in his living room that was in his humble opinion the best fort ever built by the human kind, and when yoongi had showed up with his sleeping bag, in a pair of blue pyjamas (because jeongguk had told him to), jeongguk had excitedly yanked the boy inside, tugging him to the fort. yoongi stared at the fort, his mouth hanging open and eyes wide in awe and jeongguk felt pride swell in his chest at his hyung’s awed expression. he grabbed his pale hand, tugging him in through the makeshift door he’d made out of a few stacked pillows.

the quiet living room was soon filled with honey sweet laughter and giggles as the two boys played every game known in sleepover history, jeongguk determined to give yoongi an authentic experience from pillow fights to truth or dare to tickle fights. it was during one of these tickle fights that jeongguk realized he was truly at an advantage, having more strength than the thirteen year old boy, easily overpowering the him. it was an easy way to have yoongi’s gummy smile appear, along with sweet giggles that in turn made jeongguk laugh as well. the joy was short-lived though, because yoongi was older (and smarter) and had quickly placed his hands on jeongguk’s side, threatening the younger boy through his laughter.

“alright, alright,” jeongguk giggled, raising his hands in surrender. yoongi gave jeongguk’s sides a few squeezes, making the younger squirm a bit before he also retracted his hands. the two of them were panting, a few stray giggles still escaping their parted lips.

“are you sure this is what you do at sleepovers?” yoongi asked, his brow raised, a soft smile still present on his face.

“yup!” jeongguk replied, popping the ‘p’. jeongguk opened his mouth to suggest their next game, a board game of some sort, but was abruptly cut off by the crack of thunder. the lights in the living room flickered, but quickly turned back on. all laughter had been drained out of the two boys, yoongi looking at jeongguk with wide, scared eyes. jeongguk felt himself getting scared, the common dread washing up in him, his body trembling when hard rain began falling against the roof. he had to be strong, for his hyung. he forced what he hoped was an encouraging smile on his face, “don’t worry, hyung, nothing to be scared of!”

his voice was trembling and yoongi raised a questioning brow, “aren’t you scared, ggukie?”

jeongguk merely shook his head, but when a new roll of thunder sounded, an involuntary whimper sounded from the younger boy and yoongi’s eyes widened. jeongguk felt his cheeks heat up, immediately staring down at the floor nervously. what if his hyung didn’t think he was cool anymore? however, when he finally glanced up, yoongi was still sitting there with wide eyes and a slight smile, open arms as he gestured for jeongguk to come closer. yoongi hardly ever initiated skin ship— jeongguk was always the one hugging him hello or goodbye and holding his hand but now yoongi was sitting there with open arms, waiting for jeongguk to hug him.

jeongguk all but flew into yoongi’s arms, the older falling backwards with a giggle. jeongguk smiled at the sound, nuzzling his face into yoongi’s neck, enjoying the sweet vanilla scent of the older. yoongi was a cool hyung, maybe he wore perfume or cologne? maybe he just smelled like that naturally? either way, jeongguk found that he loved it, nuzzling his face further into the warm pale skin of his hyung’s neck, ignoring the yelp of surprise from the older. yoongi squirmed a bit, but jeongguk lifted his head to send him a warning glare and muttered out with a pout, “be still, hyung, i’m sleepy.”

yoongi fell silent, his body going completely limp and jeongguk sighed out in content, closing his eyes, suddenly paying the roaring thunder no mind. and there in the dark, yoongi grabbed a strong hold of jeongguk’s hand, “always hold my hand, ggukie?”

“always,” jeongguk yawned out, a tired smile on his face.

—

hoseok had invited jeongguk to their usual monthly hangout. it was something the group had always done, meeting up once a month in hoseok’s apartment to talk, play games and more often than not, get tipsy. it was always during those nights that dumb things took place, things neither could remember— only having the small amount of video evidence their drunk minds managed to capture. videos of seokjin belting out songs on the karaoke machine, videos of namjoon lecturing hoseok about crabs while hoseok looked close to passing out, videos of jimin and taehyung downing shot after shot while jeongguk shouted excitedly beside them, but the ones jeongguk liked the most were those of yoongi.

because yoongi didn’t take alcohol very well, always got so, so adorably tired whenever he had more than a couple of beers. after his second beer and a few shots, he’d curl up on any available surface, more often than not jeongguk’s lap, his head resting on the younger’s shoulder as he’d sleep, completely unaware of the utter chaos around him. their entire friend group had several photos of yoongi sleeping on the floor, on the couch, in the bathtub, in hoseok’s bed, on the kitchen counter, on jeongguk’s lap, on jeongguk’s back, on jeongguk’s chest.

but yoongi wasn’t there now. and it could be felt in the thick tension in the room. in the way everybody spoke to jeongguk with high and pitiful tones, and jeongguk hated it. he hated that they didn’t just act normal around him. it wasn’t until taehyung appeared with the alcohol that everybody loosened up, it wasn’t until taehyung appeared with the alcohol that everything went wrong. because hoseok got a little too much to drink and bathed in the happiness of finally being with his friends, he laughed out with a happy tone, “ah, all of us together! it’s just like it used to be!”

and just like that, all air had been sucker punched out of jeongguk’s lungs, his eyes wide and flaring with anger as he stared at hoseok who by then had realized his mistake. everyone was silent although the music seokjin had put on was still in the background, and jimin let out a soft ggukie, but jeongguk was seemingly gone to the world. he stared at hoseok with angry eyes, setting down his shot glass, before barging out of the apartment, ignoring hoseok’s small, “ggukie, i didn’t mean—“

jeongguk knew he was being irrational and unfair. he knew that hoseok was as devastated about yoongi’s condition as everybody else, but yoongi had been a part of everyone for years, and the idea of him suddenly not being a part of it anymore made something so heartbreakingly painful shatter in jeongguk’s chest, made him unable to see anything but burning red. he walked until he was out of the apartment complex, stopped dead in his tracks when he remembered that jimin was his designated driver before slumping down on the curb. and then he felt it— hot, wet tears sliding down his cheeks no matter how hard he tried to stop them. he didn’t want to be sad, he didn’t want to grieve someone who wasn’t gone, he wanted to believe that yoongi would beat this, that his strong and cool hyung would show his illness who was the boss— and yet, he couldn’t seem to stop the fear gripping his heart, making him breath heavy and quick nor the tears falling from his eyes. a small hand lands on jeongguk’s shoulder and his head whipped up to find jimin standing there, and jeongguk kinda hated himself for being disappointed. disappointed that it wasn’t yoongi standing there with gentle eyes and a comforting smile, ready to offer comfort like he always did, sliding into jeongguk’s lap to hug him the way he always did when jeongguk was upset— no, it was jimin.

“i know,” jimin spoke silently and for a second jeongguk thought that he’d said it out loud, but no— jimin just knew him that well, and with a small gentle smile, the older sat down next to jeongguk, “i know i’m not him, ggukie, but i worry about you and i just want to help you. i— when yoongi first got diagnosed, i promised him that i’d take care of you if anything happened, and i have— ggukie, i have to keep that promise, i can’t let him down now, i-i—“

jeongguk cut jimin off by throwing himself onto him, arms wrapping around the smaller man so tightly that maybe he was crushing him a bit. jimin seemed surprised, before wrapping his arms back around him, chuckling, “yoongi-hyung’s gonna beat your ass when he’s done beating that illness for moping around so much, silly ggukie.”

jeongguk laughed.

—

yoongi stared at jeongguk in a way that told the eleven year old boy that the thirteen year old had something completely and utterly important to tell him, kitten eyes wide as if he couldn’t even believe what he was about to tell him himself. and then yoongi’s eyes flickered around shyly, his cheeks burning red, “i kissed a girl.”

jeongguk’s mouth fell open, his eyes widening in awe, “really? wah, you’re so cool, hyung!”

yoongi only huffed out a laugh, pushing at jeongguk’s shoulder playfully. jeongguk smiled at him. he wondered if yoongi was a good kisser. yoongi was good at anything, so of course he was. his hyung was the coolest hyung, the best hyung. at everything. yoongi had never been social, the way he shut himself off and never talked was always being taken the wrong way and people tended to stay away from him, right until what yoongi was doing became a trend, and suddenly yoongi was the cool kid— the one nobody approached but everybody wanted to be.

“i’m not sure i liked it,” yoongi muttered out lowly, his eyes careful as he eyed jeongguk. jeongguk’s brows furrowed and he watched yoongi fiddle nervously with his hands, bite his lip and blink continuously, a sign that he was panicking. jeongguk smiled gently. yoongi continued, “i’m not sure i did it right.”

“don’t worry, hyung, you’ll get the hang of it! i’m sure you’re a great kisser! did you hold hands?” jeongguk exclaimed loudly, wiggling his brows, making various people turn to stare at them. jeongguk grabbed a strong hold of yoongi’s hand, giggling as yoongi spluttered out in embarrassment. jeongguk felt his excitement and mood drop quickly as insecurities laced his mind— he was eleven, he hadn’t kissed anyone yet? should he have? what if nobody wanted to? yoongi, as always, caught onto the shift in mood staring at him questioningly.

“just,” jeongguk muttered out shyly, “what if i’m never gonna— um, k-kiss somebody? or hold anybody’s hand?”

yoongi chuckled, shaking his head fondly before holding his hand out to jeongguk, “then you just hold my hand, ggukie. always, right?”

jeongguk smiled, his heart warming at his hyung’s kind smile, “always, hyung.”

—

“ggukie,” seokjin sighed exasperated as he entered yoongi’s room. jeongguk turned to glance at his hyung who was giving him a rather stern look, “god, you really need a hair cut.”

jeongguk let out an offended sound before mindlessly turning back around to look at yoongi, his gaze softening as he ran a hand through yoongi’s hair, humming to himself— hoping that somewhere inside that pretty head of his, yoongi could hear him. seokjin rolled his eyes, “come on ggukie, wouldn’t want yoongi to open his eyes and take one look at you, and then get a heart attack because you look like a caveman.”

jeongguk smiled at seokjin’s teasing comment, turning to the older with soft eyes, “wouldn’t that be something?”

seokjin stared a him, a brow raised in confusion. jeongguk glanced back down at yoongi, shrugging, before he continued, “if yoongi just opened his eyes and looked at me the way he does?”

—

“hyung,” jeongguk breathed out, eyes teary as he watched yoongi struggle. yoongi was crouched on the ground, eyes screwed shut and somehow tears were still managing to escape them. his breaths were quick and heavy, ragged and sounded painful, and the sight alone made jeongguk cry as well. jeongguk had tried to touch him, only to be pushed away, only to then seconds later have his hands grabbed tightly by yoongi— so tightly, he thought maybe he broke his fingers. however, jeongguk didn’t care, “hyung, please, what’s wrong? do you want me to go get—“

“don’t go!” the fifteen year old wheezed out, and jeongguk’s eyes widened before he shook his head frantically.

“no, of course not, hyung, i won’t go,” he assured yoongi. they sat there for what seemed like hours, yoongi trying to do something as simple as breathing while jeongguk watched, terrified that his best friend would collapse at any given moment. jeongguk felt a wave of relief hit him when yoongi’s breaths finally slowed down, his body slumping forward tiredly. jeongguk caught him - always caught him - as he stumbled forward, immediately enveloping the older in a hug. he hadn’t seen his hyung in a while since he’d gone off to high school, and despite the two schools being awfully close and the two of them always seeing each other after school and during the weekends, jeongguk missed yoongi. missed him and had gone to his school early to greet him, when he’d found the older on the pavement outside, barely breathing.

“what’s wrong, hyung?” jeongguk tried again, gently brushing his hands through yoongi’s hair, something that calmed the older down as much as yoongi’s scent calmed jeongguk down.

“they don’t— i’m— the kids don’t like me here,” yoongi mumbled out and jeongguk’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“what? but you’re the coolest in the world, hyung!” jeongguk exclaimed, and yoongi pulled back to stare at him with a fond smile. his eyes were still wet, and his chuckles came out breathy and broken, but at least it was a smile. yoongi stared down at the ground, fiddling with his hands in his lap.

“they don’t think so, ggukie,” he said slowly, as if he was trying to explain something to a kid— which, he kind of was. jeongguk’s brows furrowed, and the familiar anger - the one he’d felt back when ben had bullied his hyung the first time - flared up in him, his gaze hardening as he grabbed onto yoongi’s hand, strong and hard, making yoongi gasp and shoot his eyes up to meet jeongguk’s.

“when i get older i’ll protect you, hyung!” he said, naive and a tiny bit too enthusiastic but it made yoongi smile nonetheless, chuckling at the younger’s eager tone. jeongguk whined, “promise me, hyung, promise you’ll wait for me?”

“i promise, ggukie, if you can promise me something too?” yoongi asked shyly, and jeongguk nodded vigorously. yoongi stared at his lap where jeongguk’s tanned hand was holding onto his pale one, and he lifted their hands up, still intertwined and shook them a little between them before locking his eyes with jeongguk’s, eyes soft and shy.

“always hold my hand?” he asked, wiggling his brows.

jeongguk giggled, “ah, you’re so silly, hyung! always!”

—

“i miss you,” jeongguk spoke quietly, staring lovingly at yoongi’s peaceful sleeping expression. he had yoongi’s hands sandwiched in between his own, not daring to let go as he watched the older’s chest rise and fall as he breathed. the beeping of the monitor was the one thing keeping jeongguk afloat, the one thing that kept him from coming crashing down was that beeping monitor and the beating heart it was connected to. jeongguk chuckled, a hollow and emotionless sound, “i thought that we could move, you know.”

there was no response and it shouldn’t hit jeongguk hard and yet it does, tears welling up in his doe eyes as if he hadn’t already cried enough tears for the wells to run dry, “we could move to the country. with meadows and fields and animals, you know— we could adopt that brown poodle you keep visiting at the adoption center?”

“finally get married?” jeongguk breathed out, a tear falling from his eyes. he brought yoongi’s hand up to his mouth, pressing it against his cheek, ignoring how cold it felt as he pressed his lips against it. he lowered his gaze to the floor, sighing deeply. he chuckled, shrugging, “you were right. we should’ve gotten married right when we knew we wanted to, but i insisted on a spring wedding, didn’t i?”

suddenly, the hand resting against jeongguk’s cheek moved. it almost made jeongguk scream in shock, when yoongi’s fingers suddenly caressed his cheek. his head shot up, eyes immediately locking on yoongi’s face to find barely open kitten eyes staring back at him, a soft smile on his face. jeongguk’s chest immediately bloomed like flowers in spring, warmth spreading in his chest as he smiled gently at yoongi. his eyes were barely open and yet, jeongguk could still see the galaxies in them as yoongi spoke, voice a low whisper, rough and gravelly, “flowers are prettier in spring.”

jeongguk blinked away the tears that immediately welled up at hearing his fiancé’s voice again, staring at him in disbelief. even with a puffy face, drained eyes and chapped lips, even in a white hospital gown with an iv-drip attached to him, even with a heart monitor and slightly greasy and messy hair, yoongi was still breathtaking, still took jeongguk breath away. yoongi blinked tiredly, smiling a small and soft teasing smile at jeongguk before murmuring, “you need a hair cut.”

jeongguk laughed, wet and happy happy happy, “seokjin-hyung said you’d say that.”

“jin-hyung knows everything,” yoongi whispered.

—

“wow, hyung!” jeongguk exclaimed, his eyes scanning over the crumbled piece of paper again. yoongi sat at the piano, his cheeks red and hands fiddling nervously with the keys as he refused to meet jeongguk’s eyes. the piece of paper had been full of lyrics, before yoongi had crumbled it up, frustrated. jeongguk had picked it up, read through it despite yoongi’s protests, and now yoongi was sitting there, looking shy and nervous as jeongguk praised his work, “you’re gonna be famous someday!”

the fifteen year old sputtered, shaking his head, “i don’t think so, ggukie.”

jeongguk only hushed him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, “don’t forget to hold my hand when you go out and win a million awards, hyung.”

yoongi laughed heartily, making jeongguk grin proudly, “well, how am i supposed to forget when you’ll always hold it, right?”

“always!”

—

jeongguk smiled fondly at yoongi as he brushed his hands through his hair. his eyelids had closed once again and he knew it would be a while before he’d see the eyes he loved so much again— but like a potion of hope, yoongi’s gravelly and dry voice, his teasing smile had boosted some of the hope that was beginning to drain out of jeongguk’s system, and a newfound love bloomed in his chest as he watched over him, brushing through his hair and drawing random patterns on his skin, hoping that somewhere in his unconscious yoongi would know that he was there.

“hi gguk-ah,” namjoon spoke gently as he entered, a bouquet of flowers in his hands, a bouquet that he based on the wrapping paper had bought from jeongguk’s shop, “i just— i wanted to drop off— um, yeah.”

namjoon smiled a dimpled and shy smile before placing the flowers in the empty vase by yoongi’s side. jeongguk chuckled at namjoon’s shy behavior. in that way, yoongi and namjoon really were alike. the two producers always got shy, even around people they’d known for years. their cheeks would bloom rosy and their words would come out stuttered and it was one of the cutest things jeongguk had ever seen. it was bad enough when yoongi was shy on his own, but adding namjoon in the mix made it almost impossible to not just give them anything they wanted— it had once resulted and seokjin and jeongguk running around town looking for a specific brand of ice cream that they wanted.

jeongguk laughed at the memory making namjoon glance up from where he’d been fixated on yoongi’s face, “what?”

jeongguk shook his head with a chuckle, “remember all those times you two got me and jin-hyung to do all kinds of things with your cute expressions?”

namjoon spluttered, “we didn’t make you do anything, you just suddenly dropped everything you had and offered to do it for us!”

jeongguk laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. he really couldn’t help it. yoongi always looked so pretty when he blushed, and his pout was just a permanent, natural feature so the younger really couldn’t help but want to give him everything he could ever want. it was ironic, really, because yoongi was the one with the most money, the one who had the potential to spoil someone and yet, jeongguk was always the romantic one, going all out to surprise yoongi in ways that didn’t cost a lot of money, while yoongi went all out in ways that did cost money— such as clothes, expensive rare flower seeds and books, things that he knew jeongguk would love.

“you really love him, don’t you?” namjoon asked gently, his smile soft and dimpled, and jeongguk blushed.

“i do.”

—

yoongi has been avoiding him. the seventeen year old is out of school as soon as his lessons ends, hurrying his way home before jeongguk could find him and ask him to walk home with him, or to hang out. jeongguk had no idea what he’d done, if he’d pissed his hyung off somehow? he had no idea. jeongguk had seemingly been chasing yoongi around in an unannounced game of tag for almost a week now, and jeongguk was slowly losing his mind. it wasn’t until jeongguk had stopped one of the people from yoongi’s class, asking what yoongi’s schedule was, that he’d been able to find the older, cornering him before he could escape through the big school gates.

“hyung,” jeongguk muttered angrily, trapping yoongi’s body between the wall and his own. yoongi blinked owlishly at him, brows furrowing before his placed his hands on jeongguk’s chest, pushing the younger away. although, yoongi’s strength wasn’t a match to jeongguk’s, the younger still moved, not wanting yoongi to feel trapped, “why are you avoiding me?”

“just leave me alone, jeongguk.” yoongi said slowly, jeongguk feeling a stabbing pain when yoongi used his full name instead of just a nickname. he blinked at him, before anger flared in him and he took a step closer to his best friend again, his eyes seemingly glaring holes through the older.

“no!” he exclaimed, making yoongi’s eyes widen in shock, “not until you tell me why you don’t want to be my friend anymore?”

“i do want to be your friend!”

“then why are you avoiding me?”

“it isn’t that simpl—“

“just tell me, hyung!”

“jeongguk-ah, i can—“

“tell me!”

“i’m not good enough for you!”

yoongi panted in anger, his eyes wide and his brows furrowed in frustration. jeongguk stood, wide-eyed and still in front of him, watching at yoongi let himself slowly slide down along the wall to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. he burrowed his face in his arms, his hair flopping around messily, making jeongguk want to run his hands through it. yoongi breathed heavily, “just go, jeongguk-ah.”

jeongguk dropped down next to yoongi, warm hands holding onto his hyung’s arms, forcing the older to glance up at him, wide and teary eyes meeting jeongguk’s doe eyes and jeongguk was sure he felt something in his chest, something squeeze in pain when he saw how truly distraught he was, “who told you that?”

jeongguk could already feel the anger in him at whoever would’ve told his hyung such a thing but it instantly disappeared when yoongi muttered out a low, “i did.”

jeongguk stared at his hyung in disbelief. why would yoongi think such a thing? they’d always been an odd pair, just because it wasn’t normal for people to befriend people from classes below them. it didn’t help that neither jeongguk nor yoongi were that popular, it seemed like a match made in hell. the quiet boy who never talked and the boy who talked so much that everybody thought he was weird, too different, too unique. it had always been a strange pair, and they’d always gotten stared at weirdly from every side of the room they entered but jeongguk didn’t know why it suddenly bothered yoongi now.

“i’m not— jeongguk, nobody likes me here and you’re— you’d have a chance if you didn’t hang around someone like me,” yoongi said slowly, a violent storm brewing in his eyes. jeongguk’s breath hitched, his eyes widened as he grabbed yoongi’s hand, forcing their eyes to meet.

“no,” he stated, mater of factly. yoongi blinked.

“jeongguk, i—“

“no!” jeongguk exclaimed once again, this time louder and making yoongi’s mouth fall open in shock. before yoongi could say anything back, jeongguk had pulled yoongi forward into a bone crushing hug, and for a long time they just stood there, yoongi awkwardly limp in jeongguk’s hold, before his pale arms finally wrapped back around jeongguk, and he finally let himself fall into jeongguk’s embrace. jeongguk smiled to himself, immediately burying his face in yoongi’s hair, taking in the familiar scent of vanilla and lavender, having missed it— almost as if he was addicted to it.

yoongi pulled away to glance carefully up at jeongguk before holding his hand out, “always hold my hand?”

jeongguk grabbed his hand fast, pulling him into another hug, muttering out a muffled, “always.”

—

jeongguk fiddled nervously with the pretty flower. a dandelion he’d picked from the hospital’s yard, carried with him back. he twirled it around with his fingertips, admiring the pretty yellow color, glancing carefully over at yoongi. yoongi’s eyes were closed, although, jeongguk knew he was awake. he had been for about ten minutes but he was tired and in pain, and didn’t say much— preferred to keep his eyes closed because the light bothered him, and because the room was spinning. jeongguk had went to get water, only after yoongi had promised to not fall asleep while he was gone, and had taken a detour to get the flower. now, he was feeling nervous. maybe it was stupid? why would yoongi care about flowers now? jeongguk blinked, shaking his head, trying to shake the doubt out of it— yoongi wouldn’t appreciate him doubting himself now.

“hyung,” jeongguk whispered lowly, his heart beating nervously, only calming down when yoongi’s eyes opened a little, staring tiredly but lovingly at him. jeongguk smiled at him, holding the yellow flower up so yoongi could see, his heart soaring at the soft smile immediately blooming onto yoongi’s face. yoongi’s fingers twitch, not having enough power to raise it, and jeongguk immediately takes it in his, placing the flower in his hand so he can feel the soft petals against his skin. yoongi looked content, so jeongguk continued to softly run the flower along yoongi’s fingers, until his fingers twitched again.

“ggukie,” it came out hoarse and almost impossibly quiet but jeongguk heard it anyways. his eyes darted up to meet yoongi’s now slightly more open eyes. when yoongi realized he had his attention he smiled softly, “’t tickles.”

jeongguk laughed, placing the flower still in yoongi’s hand, before grabbing a hold of it, careful not to break the flower. yoongi gave jeongguk’s hand a weak squeeze, and jeongguk looked at him to see him staring at him, so much emotion running through his pretty eyes and jeongguk knew exactly what he was trying to say, smiling softly back at him, muttering out a low, “always, hyung, you know that.”

—

the summer air was warm and comfortable, resting against jeongguk’s skin, the wind blowing through his hair as he biked his way towards the park. it was he and yoongi’s meet up spot. jeongguk had never really seen yoongi’s place, yoongi had always gotten so scared and nervous when jeongguk asked to see it, and the younger didn’t want to push. yoongi was eighteen and heading off to college as a music major. a part of jeongguk was so, so proud. couldn’t even believe that his hyung was following his dreams like that, that he was brave enough to when the idea of him following his own dreams of opening a flower shop still scared him. his parents would never approve of such a girly profession.

they probably wouldn’t approve of many things about jeongguk— but they didn’t know him that well. they didn’t know that jeongguk hated math and that he didn’t wanna do engineering. they didn’t know that jeongguk liked the the color purple, or that he preferred tea over coffee. they didn’t know that he prefered boys over girls, either. only yoongi knew. yoongi knew everything about jeongguk and jeongguk knew everything about yoongi, and now yoongi was moving away to go to a school of people his own age, people that he would form friendships with. yoongi may not have been popular in their small town, but he definitely would be in the new one— his hyung was smart and funny and handsome and cute, it’d be impossible for them to not like him, and then yoongi would probably like them back, maybe even love them— and why was that bothering him so much?

he stepped harder in the bike pedals, rushing his way to the park, practically jumping off and throwing his bike in the grass when he saw yoongi resting against the big oak tree they always met up at. jeongguk was ready to beg yoongi, ready to ask him not to leave and just get a job at the local diner until jeongguk graduated and then they’d go together like they were supposed to. but as soon as he arrived, the words were punched out of him, disappearing and vanishing into thin air when he saw yoongi’s tear stained cheeks. yoongi’s head shot up when he heard jeongguk’s footsteps and within seconds he was on his feet, running towards him and all but throwing himself in jeongguk’s arms, “hyung? what’s wrong, are you hurt?”

yoongi pulled back, shaking his head, “i don’t wanna go ggukie! it’s such a big town, and— and—“

“shh,” jeongguk pulled yoongi back into a hug. this was what jeongguk had wanted. he’d wanted yoongi to stay and to never go anywhere without him, but now that it seemed that yoongi himself was considering not going, it made his heart ache. to see how sad he was. yoongi deserved to get out of this town, yoongi deserved new beginnings and he deserved new people who would treat him better than everyone in their town had. when he told yoongi that, the younger stared at him with wide eyes.

“but you won’t be there, ggukie,” he muttered, voice small and jeongguk felt his fondness growing in his chest. he smiled gently at him, grabbing his hand.

“remember when i asked you to wait for me? wait until i was big enough to protect you?” jeongguk asked, and yoongi stared at him before nodding dumbly. jeongguk continued, “and i grew bigger, and i started high school and kept you safe.”

yoongi gave a nod in affirmation and jeongguk smiled, “all i’m asking you now, is to try and wait for me again. i’ll apply to a college near yours, and i’ll join you in no time! until then, we’ll see each other in breaks and i can get a job at the diner and save up to visit you some weekends too? maybe i can get my parents to drive me, sometimes?”

yoongi stared at jeongguk with wide teary eyes before nodding, tugging him back in for a hug. the sun was beginning to go down, the moon making its way onto the night sky along with all the stars, and they, along with a couple of birds, were the only witnesses when yoongi squeezed jeongguk’s hand, quietly asking him to promise what they’d always promised each other, “always hold my hand?”

“always, hyung,” jeongguk whispered, determined.

—

“gguk-ah, i didn’t mean to—“ hoseok spoke as soon as he entered yoongi’s hospital room, but before he could finish the sentence, jeongguk had shot himself up from his chair and into hoseok’s arms. hoseok yelped, seemingly caught off guard, before he closed his arms around him. jeongguk buried his face in hoseok’s neck, right after yoongi, hoseok had always had the best scent of cedar wood and burnt candles, “gguk?”

“sorry, hyung,” jeongguk mumbled out, muffled by hoseok’s skin, “i didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“it’s okay, gguk, i get it,” hoseok assured, pulling back to shoot jeongguk a bright sunshine smile, heart shaped and all. jeongguk smiled back, and they both went to sit next to yoongi’s bed, watching the older’s peaceful expression, watching his chest rise and fall. it was seemingly what they all came for— to make sure that he was still breathing, that his chest was still rising and falling, that the monitor was still beeping. it wasn’t until a comfortable silence had fallen over them, and jeongguk had once again grabbed a hold of yoongi’s pale hand, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles that hoseok finally spoke again, “we all miss him.”

jeongguk nodded, smiling slightly. if only yoongi knew. the older was more often than not hard on himself, refusing to believe what he meant to others, refusing to believe that he was worth anything— it wasn’t until jeongguk spent hours convincing him otherwise that the older would finally relent and stop being so cruel to himself, but even then it wasn’t always enough. if only he could see how everybody’s worlds were falling without him there. hoseok suddenly laughed, “remember when he forgot the code for his own studio?”

jeongguk laughed, the memory of yoongi sitting defeatedly in front of his studio until namjoon and his insane memory came and rescued him. yoongi had put an insane lock on his studio, only giving the code to jeongguk and namjoon— and had then proceeded to forget it. when yoongi had told jeongguk about it later he’d stared at him with wide kitten eyes and a pout on his lips that jeongguk couldn’t help but kiss away. what he’d give to see those eyes, pain free and energetic, again.

—

they didn’t stay in touch. at first they did, almost daily phone calls and video calls where jeongguk got to see his hyung’s eyes and smiles as they talked about their days. but then yoongi got busy and jeongguk got busy, and their daily calls turned weekly, then monthly and then once every six months and— jeongguk hadn’t really thought about it, until he did, and found a stabbing pain in his heart, a yoongi-sized hole there, and he’d immediately whipped out his phone to call him, desperate to hear his gravelly voice and maybe even turn on the video call feature and see his eyes, and his smile. yoongi had confirmed that he was coming home for a short vacation, and jeongguk had found himself counting the days until he’d see yoongi again.

the day had come and he was sitting under the oak tree at the park, staring back and forth between his phone and the gates to the park. he was eighteen. and yoongi was twenty. they were both considered adults. jeongguk’s head shot up at the sound of footsteps, instantly looking around and spotting a familiar figure moving towards him and— wow. yoongi looked, amazing. yoongi had always been handsome and cute, but college sure had done something good for him. he was broad, not much taller, but jeongguk liked that. his hair was still dark, flopping around his face and he was wearing a neon bandana to keep it out of his eyes. his dark, kitten shaped eyes. he smiled when he spotted jeongguk, bright and gummy and jeongguk found his heart skipping a beat, maybe two.

“hyung!” jeongguk exclaimed, and yoongi’s smile only seemed to get brighter. his cheeks bloomed rosy when jeongguk grabbed his hand, pulling him in for a hug. ah, still easy to fluster. jeongguk smiled, pulling back to stare at him. for the first couple of minutes it was hard, but then they fell back into it. back into old conversations and their old behavior, right back into each other’s hearts where they’d always fitted perfectly. it wasn’t until yoongi began talking about namjoon and hoseok, two guys he’d met in college, that jeongguk started feeling the familiar annoyance, jealousy, bubbling up in him and before he knew it, words came tumbling out.

“are those the people you’ve replaced me with?” his tone was bitter and caught yoongi off guard, brows furrowing.

“i didn’t replace you, gguk-ah,” he stated, pout protruding and jeongguk did his best to ignore how much he wanted to— kiss it?

“oh, please! we’ve hardly spoken in the past year!” jeongguk yelled, breaths leaving his mouth in angry huffs. yoongi stared with wide eyes, the softness in them hardening.

“i’m busy, gguk-ah, college isn’t high school, you kno—“ yoongi tried, but jeongguk’s stomach was hot hot hot with anger and it flowed out of him like lava.

“oh, so what, you’re above me now?” yoongi stared at him, incredulously, before he tried again.

“jeongguk, what are yo—“

“what are namjoon and hoseok, anyways? are you— are you close?”

“they’re my friends, gguk-ah, of course we’re close!”

“well, maybe i don’t want you to be!”

“what? jeongguk calm the fuck down!” yoongi raised his voice, and it immediately cut through jeongguk’s anger like a hot knife and he felt himself slowly sink to the ground. he was panting, shutting his eyes and a part of him had expected yoongi to leave. to deem him too immature to be around, he was just a high school senior after all, and yoongi had found better and more mature people to be around— older people, who weren’t stuck in this old town.

“sorry,” jeongguk mumbled out once he realized that yoongi wasn’t going, “don’t know where that came from, i just— i don’t want you to find better friends.”

“ggukie, you’re my best friend,” yoongi assured, his eyes once again turning soft. and jeongguk should be satisfied by those words but he wasn’t— he simply wasn’t. so jeongguk continued, even when his mouth was screaming at him to stop, to not reveal more because he didn’t know how yoongi would take it, hell, he wasn’t even sure he understood it himself— he wasn’t sure how he himself was taking it, it wasn’t until a few hours ago that it hit him full speed.

“i don’t want you to be happy without me,” jeongguk muttered, and he knew he was being selfish. he stared down at the ground, waiting anxiously for yoongi’s answer.

“gguk-ah, i don—“

“i don’t want you to be in love,” jeongguk continued, and yoongi slowly crouched down to look in jeongguk’s eyes. his eyes were wide, kitten-like as always, dark as always and yet filled with something completely new. the galaxies in them were shining, glistening under the sun, and jeongguk felt high— addicted to it. he stared and stared until he felt his cheeks heat up, immediately looking down at the ground. yoongi’s brows furrowed in confusion and jeongguk swore he could scream at how dense the older was. maybe he really wasn’t in a relationship, he was sure the only way to date yoongi would be to scream in his face that you wanted to take him out. his hyung might have half the campus flirting with him, without him knowing.

right as yoongi opened his mouth to say something, jeongguk interrupted him again, “not without me.”

“you don’t want me to be in love,” yoongi repeated and jeongguk screwed his eyes shut, “without you?”

he nodded, not daring to look at the older until he felt soft fingers grabbing his chin, forcing him to look up. his eyes locked with yoongi’s gentle ones. confusion as well as something jeongguk couldn’t quite read was floating around in his orbs and jeongguk found himself getting slightly lost, attempting to figure out what they meant, what they were trying to tell him. suddenly, yoongi stared, seemingly awestruck, “gguk-ah, do you— like me?”

jeongguk groaned, immediately falling backwards as he felt his face heating him, “don’t rub it in, hyung!”

a long painful silence filled the air before, “gguk-ah, i don’t— i don’t know, i don’t like you like that.”

jeongguk’s eyes opened faster than ever before, shooting over to where yoongi was sitting uncomfortably, his cheeks bright red and brows furrowed in confusion. he blinked at jeongguk, and jeongguk let out a long sigh. he’d seen this coming, although that didn’t stop the pain from seeping into him and squeezing around his heart. it didn’t stop him from feeling like he couldn’t breathe, and a part of him felt like he should try to salvage what was left of their friendship, “that’s okay, hyung.”

“i don’t like you like that,” yoongi repeated and jeongguk’s brows furrowed, a frown etching its way onto his face.

“alright, hyung, i get it.”

“i don’t— i don’t like you like that?” the more yoongi said it, the more it sounded like a question and the more confused he sounded. then yoongi turned to jeongguk at lightening speed, his eyes wide and full of panic as he stared deep into jeongguk’s. jeongguk almost felt winded for a second, all of the relief from finally getting his emotions out, seeping back into him in the form of dread and panic as he saw how shaken yoongi was— god, he’d ruined it all, hadn’t he?

“i can’t like you like that,” yoongi said, sounding almost pained.

“what— what are you talking about?”

“you’re my best friend, gguk-ah, i’m not supposed to want to kiss you.”

“do you— um, do you want to kiss me?” jeongguk could barely hear his own question for how hard his heart was beating.

“i— no?” yoongi asked more than he replied and jeongguk felt a weird seed of confidence sprout in him as he took in his hyung’s red cheeks and the way his shy eyes flickered around, refusing to land on anything but jeongguk. jeongguk moved fast, grabbing yoongi’s hands and pushing him down so he was on top of him, forcing the older to look into his eyes. yoongi’s cheeks grew impossibly redder at their closeness, his pretty kitten eyes blinking rapidly.

“hyung,” jeongguk said sternly, “do you want to kiss me?”

“i-i, um— well, i—“ yoongi stuttered, “yeah? sometimes? maybe.”

“can i?” jeongguk sounded like an overexcited puppy, “please, hyung, can i try?”

a weird, panicked sound left yoongi as he nodded dumbly, and jeongguk surged forward to connect their lips in a quick, soft kiss. as much as he wanted to keep kissing him, keep tasting yoongi, syrupy sweet on his tongue, he knew he needed his hyung’s permission and his consent— needed to know how he felt about it first, so he pulled back, nervous doe eyes staring into yoongi’s glazed over eyes, “so?”

yoongi didn’t respond, instead just lifting his head to connect their lips again, a content hum escaping him as jeongguk’s fingers tangled into his hair. jeongguk was on cloud nine, drinking in as much of his hyung as he could, scared that yoongi would change his mind. he had let go of yoongi’s wrists, but the older was doing nothing to push him off or get off the ground, instead using one of his hands to cup jeongguk’s cheek and the other to grab onto jeongguk’s arm. when they finally pulled apart to breathe, jeongguk felt so euphoric that he got cocky, peppering soft kisses along yoongi’s jaw and back up to his lips, leaving a peck there before teasingly asking, “do you like me, hyung?”

yoongi’s face was red as he shook his head no, but he immediately surged forward again to catch jeongguk’s lips once more. jeongguk giggled into the kiss, feeling yoongi smile as well. he smiled fondly down at his hyung when they pulled apart again, “are you sure?”

yoongi shook his head again, and jeongguk laughed, nuzzling his face into yoongi’s neck his words coming out muffled as he spoke, “that’s okay, hyung, i’ll make you fall.”

jeongguk wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and yoongi giggled, the sound making butterflies erupt in jeongguk’s stomach, “just promise me one thing, yoonie?”

yoongi’s cheeks were beet red at the new nickname but he nodded anyways and jeongguk grabbed yoongi’s hand, placing it over his heart that was still beating a hundred miles an hour. yoongi’s eyes widened and jeongguk smiled, “always let me hold your hand?”

yoongi smiled, nodding dumbly, “always, ggukie.”

—

it was a good day. yoongi had been awake most of the day, managing to both smile and laugh at the various jokes their friends made, even managing to tease seokjin for the large blanket the older had stress-knitted for him. he’s been sitting, propped up against two pillows and intently listened to anything they had to say. jeongguk had sat quietly next to him, holding his hand tight, his thumb brushing over his knuckles in a soothing motion as the others told yoongi about all the things he’d missed in the last two and a half weeks. about when jimin spilled soup all over himself and when hoseok left his bag on the bus, about when namjoon was cleaning their apartment and found their collection of sex toys that had namjoon let out an embarrassingly high pitched yelp.

after an hour or so, yoongi had started slumping a bit in his posture, his head nodding down a couple of times and jeongguk had started getting protective, ordering the others to give him some time to rest. with a last couple of waves and hugs, the other five left the room and yoongi smiled gently at jeongguk with glimmering eyes that made jeongguk forget everything he was going to say. with a low hushed tone, and those sparkling eyes, yoongi asked, “i wanna see the city, ggukie.”

and jeongguk was a weak man, couldn’t resist the glinting stars in his eyes nor the pout on his lips or the soft and tired expression on his face. it was a struggle but somehow jeongguk got the older hoisted up and into one of the wheelchairs that were parked in the side of his room. yoongi slumped a bit, struggling to hold himself up before jeongguk could get him strapped in. jeongguk grabbed the iv-drip attached to yoongi’s arm and attached it the the chair, carefully beginning to push him towards the door. with a struggle, jeongguk got the door open and hesitantly stuck his head out. no sign of any nurses, and with that he began running down the hall, a hand holding on tight to yoongi’s shoulder. hoarse and quiet giggles were flowing out of yoongi’s mouth as he raced down the hall to the elevator, and jeongguk felt alive— simply because yoongi was.

in the elevator, he stopped and panted, quickly pressing the button to the top floor. jeongguk knew the hospital had a roof that had a view of the entire city, he knew that it was allowed to go up there— probably not for patients as sick as yoongi, but jeongguk didn’t care. yoongi needed to be reminded that he was human, he needed to be reminded of the world still spinning around him. jeongguk needed to be reminded of the world waiting for them when yoongi finally beat this thing, he needed to be reminded of all the things they had yet to experience together— it wasn’t time yet, for yoongi to leave.

he stopped in front of the door to the rooftop, sliding his jacket off his shoulders and despite yoongi’s protest, draped it over the blanket he’d already wrapped him in. he wrapped his scarf around his neck, put his gloves on his hands and his hat over his ears. he couldn’t afford anything happening to yoongi— jeongguk being cold for a little while would be fine, he’d survive. he opened the door, pushing yoongi through it, feeling himself completely melt at the excitement in the older’s eyes. he hadn’t seen his eyes show any kind of emotion for a while, hadn’t seen them so wide open and so sparkly in a long time.

when they made it to the railing of the rooftop, jeongguk wrapped his arms around yoongi’s torso, under his arms, to lift him up to he could look over the stone railing and over the city’s skyline, glinting up in the night. the lights of the windows of the different buildings and skyscrapers were connecting like a chain across the skyline, and yoongi’s eyes were wide with awe and joy. jeongguk smiled, ignoring the ache in his arms from holding the older up for so long. when yoongi got tired, he put him back down and turned to push him back inside, when yoongi’s gloved hand grabbed a hold of his. his head whipped down to glance at yoongi, who was smiling up at him. he couldn’t help but lean down, pecking his lips carefully. when he pulled away, yoongi let a sound of protest escape him and with a chuckle, jeongguk leant back down to kiss him again.

yoongi smiled at him, squeezing his hand, “always hold my hand, ggukie?”

jeongguk smiled, his eyes welling up, “always, hyung.”

—

“well, this is smaller than i expected,” yoongi huffed as they entered their tiny, cramped two bedroom apartment. it had a kitchen with a little space for a dining room, a bedroom and a living room and of course, the tiny bathroom. it was empty, kind of in a bad shape, but jeongguk could already see his life playing out in front of his eyes. he could see all yoongi’s music equipment in the living room, all his plants in the window sill. he could see his various collection of spices in the kitchen, and jeongguk’s many dried flowers on the walls. he could see their pictures on the walls, he could see their broken bed in the bedroom and the ugly couch they’d bought on sale because “we need something to sit on, ggukie” and he could see yoongi’s noisy coffee machine standing on the edge of the counter.

he could see yoongi laying sleepily, beautifully, in their bed and he could imagine him kissing him silly. he could imagine jeongguk watering plants while yoongi played the piano, he could imagine them laughing and the neighbors yelling at them through the thin wall because they’re being too loud. he could imagine having hoseok and namjoon over, having taehyung and jimin and seokjin over. could imagine everything so well, and suddenly the slightly ruined paint and the ugly dents in the floors didn’t mean much. he jumped happily on the spot, turning to envelop a laughing yoongi in his arms, “i’m so excited, hyung! finally, i’m not living in the dorms anymore!”

yoongi smiled adoringly at him, pecking his lips one two three times. the picture perfect image that jeongguk had created in his head was quickly shattered later that night when yoongi had attempted to wash the vegetables for their dinner, the sink breaking and spraying water out on both of them. yoongi let out a shriek, now standing soaked with a see-through white shirt. jeongguk laughed at him, and yoongi glared back although a small smile was playing at his lips as he shook water out of his hair. jeongguk walked closer, a teasing smile on his lips as he wrapped his arms around yoongi’s waist, wiggling his brows, “you look hot, babe.”

yoongi laughed, smacking jeongguk’s chest, “right.”

just as jeongguk was about to say something, a loud moan sounded from the apartment next door and jeongguk’s and yoongi’s eyes locked together at the sounds that were clearly their neighbors going at it filled their apartment. they stared soundlessly at each other for a few seconds before both of them broke into laughter, yoongi shaking his head in disbelief. he turned to jeongguk with a shit-eating grin, sarcastically announcing with a fake accent, “always hold my hand, darling?”

“always, my love,” jeongguk replied, just as ironically and they both broke into giggles.

“i can’t believe we spent that much money on this hell hole.” yoongi mumbled, beginning to cut up the vegetables. but they were both smiling nonetheless because even if it was broken and shitty and a hell hole, they still loved it because it was— theirs.

—

“i swear, it’s going fine, ggukie!” jimin whined as jeongguk pushed past him into the flower shop, insisting to check up on the place. jimin and taehyung had been watching over the shop while he was occupied with yoongi, but now jeongguk couldn’t stay away any longer and had to know how his plants were doing. he was relieved to find all of them in good shape, colorful and vibrant, just like they were supposed to be. taehyung was behind the counter, glasses perched on his nose and a cute apron tied around his waist as he sold a bouquet to an old lady.

jimin stared lovingly at the man, walking to the counter to peck his cheek. the older woman smiled kindly at them, “ah, you’re a cute couple!”

“thank you, ma’am!” taehyung smiled brightly, a boxy grin that neither jimin nor jeongguk could ever get tired of. jeongguk smiled, shaking his head at jimin and taehyung as the two of them began to dance to the music from the radio, laughing when taehyung nearly tripped over his own legs. he clearly had nothing to worry about.

—

“i did it,” jeongguk spoke slowly and heavily into the phone, his eyes teary. yoongi had just entered their apartment, looking tired and worn from his long day at work, and there jeongguk was, in tears with his phone in one hand and the other tugging on his hair, something he did when he was anxious. yoongi curiously eyed him, stepping closer to wrap his small arms around jeongguk’s middle, resting his cheek against jeongguk’s broad back, feeling jeongguk’s heartbeat calming at the touch. he was on the phone with his parents, that was the only time he ever got that anxious. jeongguk groaned, “well, what if i don’t want to be a ceo?”

his voice was raised, and so was his father’s in the phone, the sounds of his mother sobbing in the background as jeongguk had revealed that he’d dropped out of engineering college to start his own flower shop. something that yoongi already knew, had offered to help him do with the money he made producing. jeongguk had refused at first but yoongi couldn’t stand seeing his lover sad and had eventually bought a tiny shop on a little, cozy street corner and given it to jeongguk as an anniversary present. jeongguk tensed up as his father screamed in the phone, “well, maybe i don’t want your money!”

a long deep sounded throughout the phone signaling that his father had hung up. yoongi tightened his hold around him as he sunk to the ground, immediately turning around to bury his face in yoongi’s chest, his arms wrapping tightly around the smaller man’s middle, inhaling the comforting scent of vanilla and lavender. his body shook with sobs at the idea of not seeing his parents or his brother again, but he knew engineering would never make him happy— and if he wasn’t happy, yoongi wasn’t happy. it was a mean circle, and jeongguk had broken it, much to his parents’ dismay.

when jeongguk had finally calmed down, his sobbing turning to sniffling, yoongi cleared his throat. yoongi’s own eyes were wet with tears from seeing jeongguk in so much pain, and he wrapped his hand around jeongguk’s wrist, “hold my hand.”

jeongguk laughed bitterly, “now’s not the time, hyung—“

“hold my hand, ggukie.”

jeongguk sighed, grabbing onto yoongi’s hand, staring into his dark eyes and slowly but surely felt himself coming back down to earth, the anger seeping out of his bones and into the floor. his face crumbled once again as he tugged yoongi back into a hug, “i’m sorry, hyung, i didn’t mean to snap, i just— i’m sorry, don’t leave, you’re all i have—“

“ggukie,” yoongi mumbled quietly, pulling back to stare into his eyes lovingly, “i’m not going anywhere. just always hold my hand, right?”

jeongguk sniffled, nodding, “always.”

—

yoongi had been in hospital for three weeks by the time his parents showed up, frowns etched onto their faces. they had entered the room looking as disheveled as always, their clothes slightly torn and dirty, his father smelling of cigarettes and his mother with that weird expression she’d always worn, the one that told jeongguk that she was uncomfortable. jeongguk rolled his eyes at the sight of them, eyeing them as they entered the room. yoongi’s mother let out a small oh when she spotted him, smiling a tight and forced smile, “ah, jeongguk.”

jeongguk only nodded at them, and yoongi’s father raised his brow, “show some manners, son.”

jeongguk said nothing, focusing his gaze back to yoongi’s peaceful expression, praying to god that he wouldn’t wake up while his parents were there. they never had a positive effect on yoongi’s mood, always bringing him down and making him anxious, always transforming the boy jeongguk loved into a mess. jeongguk hated it, yoongi hated it. hated them. yoongi’s mother put a hand on jeongguk’s shoulder, and jeongguk had no idea how someone with such claw-like hands could be the mother of someone as soft as yoongi, “we should’ve tackled your relationship better.”

“you don’t say,” jeongguk muttered out bitterly, but eventually stepped back to let yoongi’s parents stare at their son. jeongguk bit his lip, trying to control his instinct to protect, the anger stirring in the pit of his stomach. anger that had been resting there for years.

—

“my parents don’t— um,” yoongi mumbled out, sitting cross-legged on the bed with wide and teary eyes. jeongguk had come home from the flower shop to find yoongi staring blankly at his phone, his eyes wide and welling up with tears. for the first ten minutes of jeongguk trying to coax him to talk, the older hadn’t said a word, only staring blankly into the air, making jeongguk’s heart squeeze with worry. finally, yoongi’s eyes had snapped to focus on jeongguk, oceans of pain flooding in his dark orbs and jeongguk had gently asked what was wrong and how he could fix it, only to find that it was him that was the problem in the first place, “they don’t support us being together.”

jeongguk blinked, mouth falling open in shock. he closed his mouth, then opened it again to speak, only to find that no words came out. he should’ve expected it— in fact, they did expect it, it was the reason they still hadn’t told anyone of their relationship from back home, they hadn’t told jeongguk’s parents, hadn’t told yoongi’s parents. jeongguk’s parents had already signed themselves out of their lives since jeongguk announced he was dropping out of college, while yoongi’s seemed to have just joined them.

“i’m so sorry, love,” jeongguk breathed out, scared that it would mean something for them. that yoongi would break up with him to please his parents. but yoongi had never tried much to please his parents, and before jeongguk could fear anything much longer, yoongi had surged forward to connect their lips, shutting jeongguk up in the process. jeongguk let out a noise of shock, falling back on the bed as yoongi straddled him, pinning jeongguk’s hands over his head despite jeongguk being twice as strong as yoongi. when they finally pulled apart and jeongguk opened his eyes, he was met with yoongi’s teary and determined gaze.

“wha-what?” he breathed, completely dazed from yoongi’s sweet honey taste.

yoongi was panting heavily, giving him a stern look, “don’t you dare think that i’m leaving you.”

“i-i’m—“ jeongguk stuttered, but yoongi cut him off again, connecting their lips once more. this time jeongguk took control, immediately flipping them around, yoongi letting out a yelp of being flipped around so easily. the older blinked up at jeongguk, eyes lidded and hazy, a small pink tongue darting out to lick his lips as they stared at each other.

yoongi held his hand between them, in front of jeongguk’s face as he sternly said, “we promised, ggukie.”

“always,” jeongguk took yoongi’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

—

“i love you,” jeongguk whispered, reveling in the soft smile spreading on yoongi’s face when he heard the words. an oxygen mask was clasped onto his face, his eyes were barely open but he still heard it, still squeezed jeongguk’s hand back when the younger squeezed it. jeongguk repeated himself, “i love you.”

yoongi’s hand raised itself to the oxygen mask, tugging weakly at it and jeongguk winced before cursing himself, slowly moving the oxygen mask even though he knew that he technically wasn’t allowed to do it. he had selfish reasons too, he wanted to hear yoongi’s voice again, wanted to hear him say, “i love you, ggukie.”

yoongi’s voice was small and raw, raspy and barely there but it still had the same effect as it had the first time yoongi had accidentally said it when jeongguk had gifted him a new keyboard for christmas. jeongguk still remembered his own shocked face, yoongi’s red cheeks and the oh my god whispered from the sideline from jimin. he still remembered how happy he’d been, how he’d squealed and spun yoongi around as he yelled out protests and curses. he remembered peppering his face in kisses until yoongi was laughing, pushing at his chest to get him away, and he remembered making yoongi say it again and again and again.

“love you,” yoongi whispered again, eyes blinking softly, dark eyes staring lovingly at jeongguk as he nodded. jeongguk glanced down at yoongi’s hands, spotting the golden engagement ring around his finger, and he ran his fingertip along the piece of jewelry, playing with the tiny diamond on the front of it. he saw yoongi smile weakly before sending him a teasing smile, “i preferred the first edition.”

jeongguk laughed, shaking his head fondly at the memory of his more than chaotic proposal.

—

yoongi was crouched in the sandbox, helping a random kid build a sand castle. jeongguk was sitting on a big stone not far away, and until a few minutes ago, yoongi had been sitting there as well. however, yoongi had seen the child struggling and offered to help. the child was giggling as yoongi pretended to mess up, the sand collapsing time and time again and jeongguk found it impossible to wipe the smile from his face, the corners of his mouth seemingly stuck up there. eventually, the kid’s parents called them over and yoongi returned to jeongguk with a dopey smile. he loved yoongi.

he loved yoongi. god, he— he loved him.

“god, i wanna marry you,” jeongguk blurted out, before he could really think about it, making yoongi stop dead in his tracks, eyes wide and cheeks peachy. jeongguk’s eyes were just as wide as he stared back at yoongi, a hand coming up to nervously scratch at the back of his neck as he struggled his way through a weird excuse for why he’d say something like that, why he’d blurt something like that out and the more jeongguk struggled and stuttered, the more yoongi smiled.

“okay,” yoongi suddenly said, and jeongguk’s head whipped up.

“what?”

“i’ll marry you.”

“what— no!” jeongguk exclaimed and yoongi raised an eyebrow.

“no?”

“this is not how it’s supposed to be, hyung,” jeongguk whined and yoongi giggled sweetly, almost making jeongguk forget why he was frustrated in the first place, “i’m supposed to have a ring and a speech and get down on one knee, i—“

jeongguk’s stopped, glancing around him before jumping up, grabbing onto yoongi’s shoulders. yoongi raised a brow at jeongguk as he was gently guided to sit on the stone. jeongguk placed his hand over yoongi’s eyes, ignoring yoongi’s protests with a giggle, “keep them closed.”

yoongi huffed in annoyance, but did as told. jeongguk grabbed onto one of the dandelions growing nearby, fumbling with it to turn it into a ring, trying to shape it into a circle with the help of the few grass strands, and a minute later of yoongi bouncing anxiously on the rock and jeongguk letting out frustrated huffs of breath, he’d finally managed to make it somewhat round, and he smiled proudly at the makeshift dandelion ring he’d created, getting down on one knee before holding it out to yoongi.

“open,” jeongguk said and watched in anticipation as yoongi’s eyes opened, first taking in jeongguk’s position and then the flower ring in his hand. a gasp left yoongi’s mouth, followed closely by a honey sweet laugh and jeongguk could barely keep it together himself, a big bright bunny smile plastered onto his face.

“min yoongi, will yo—“

“yes.”

“hyung!”

“alright, sorry, go on,”

“will you marry m—“

“yes!”

“aish, hyung!”

“sorry.”

“willyoumarrymeandacceptthismediocreringuntiligetabetterone?”

“wh—what?”

“will you marry me and accept this mediocre ring until i get a better one?”

yoongi laughed, and nodded his head over and over again until jeongguk was certain it was gonna fall off his neck. jeongguk slid the dandelion ring onto yoongi’s finger, watching in pride as yoongi admired it with awestruck eyes. then he held his hand out for jeongguk to take, a playful glint in his eyes, “always hold my hand, fiancé?”

“always,” jeongguk laughed, wiggling his brow, “fiancé.”

—

jeongguk stared down at the crumbled up piece of paper. he’d started going home more often and had in the process of cleaning, found a box filled with yoongi’s old poems— the ones he used to write and hide away so that jeongguk would never find them. the piece of paper he’d found had his name written on it in a delicate handwriting, and jeongguk had been glaring at it for ages, trying to decide if yoongi would be mad if he read it. probably not, his mind supplied, and just like that, he’d opened the piece of paper, staring down at the cursive letters.

jeongguk came in with the tide the same way he’d first appeared,

like a wildfire in dry glass, a spark, a flame and then a blaze,

hot hot hot until all i could see was jeongguk, until all i could feel

was jeongguk— floating floating floating amongst the stars in his

eyes, and all the way in there, i run in circles because someone

once told me that life is short, and my arms are shorter.

kissing jeongguk feels like drowning underwater— at first i thought

i might get used to it. that the burn in my throat would fade and the

spark would dwindle and jeongguk would fly away, like a moth looking

for a brighter flame, but jeongguk never left and i never got used to

the way jeongguk tastes slightly of vanilla and the strawberry lollipops

we’d eat as kids, with a slight hint of wrong, but oh, so right.

people try to tow us ashore, but we prefer to float all the way out here,

where the bottom can’t be seen and certainly not gained. all the way

out here, we sit with one foot planted in the past and the other dangling

over the edge of the world, hand in hand with our shadows, because

all the way out here the bus doesn’t come around anymore, and even

if it did, where would we go?

min yoongi, 0411

—

“i can’t feel anything in them,” yoongi whispered out lowly, staring weakly down at his hands in jeongguk’s hold. jeongguk grabbed both of them, rubbing them between his old and yoongi smiled, but both of them knew. they knew and seokjin who was watching silently from the side knew that he couldn’t feel it, knew what it was a sign of. jeongguk smiled, a forced and slightly cracked smile, wet eyes glistening under the hospital light as he attempted to tape himself together for yoongi’s sake.

“you’re just cold, love, i’ll warm them up for you,” jeongguk said determinedly, his eyes big and shiny with tears. yoongi smiled gently, staring up at seokjin.

“i’m not getting better, am i?” yoongi whispered out, a blank look on his face and seokjin winced, staring down at the ground. jeongguk’s head shot up to lock his gaze on seokjin who seemed to look torn between telling the truth and being a friend, but when he soundlessly shook his head, a pitiful and broken expression on his face, jeongguk let his head hang, tears slowly beginning to drip down from his face and onto the sheets.

jeongguk had let go of yoongi’s hands, his own instinctively reaching out for them again, but hesitating when he remembered that yoongi couldn’t feel anything in them. he clasped his own hands together instead, letting them fall into his lap. he stared back at yoongi who was watching him with a soft expression, a kind smile and jeongguk almost broke more at the sight. here was yoongi - his yoongi - dying, and yet jeongguk was the one falling apart. jeongguk lowered his head again, not seeing the way yoongi smiled before he muttered, “always hold my hand, ggukie.”

jeongguk’s head shot up and teary eyes locked with yoongi’s as the older continued, his own eyes glazed over with tears, “even when i can’t feel it.”

jeongguk quickly grabbed a hold of yoongi’s cold hands, choking out a broken, “always.”

—

“why are you not taking this seriously, yoongi, you could get hurt!” jeongguk screamed. yoongi had gotten diagnosed only a week ago and they were coping. barely. jeongguk had taken to distancing himself, had logged completely out of his brain, unaware of how to deal with the pain he was feeling, the fear eating him up inside. yoongi on the other hand had turned to alcohol, coming home tipsy late at night to a worried jeongguk sitting on their couch, waiting anxiously for his fiancé to return.

“i’m still allowed to live, aren’t i? for the small amount of time i have left?” yoongi replied sarcastically, sounding a lot more sober than he was.

“god, yoongi, the doctor didn’t say it was terminal, just— don’t throw your life away, don’t endanger yourself more!”

“you’re not the sick one, jeongguk-ah!” yoongi screamed back at him. jeongguk groaned in annoyance, throwing his head back before focusing his gaze on yoongi. anger was swirling around in him, anger that yoongi would go out and treat his diagnosis as a joke. he turned around to leave, but was abruptly stopped by a small hand wrapping around jeongguk’s wrist. he turned around swiftly and came face to face with yoongi’s face, eyes wide and scared, tearful and broken. his grip was strong on jeongguk’s wrist, even though jeongguk knew that even if he let go, he wouldn’t leave. couldn’t possibly leave when he looked so sad. yoongi stared at him before whispering out a low, “don’t you dare let go of my hand now, gguk-ah.”

jeongguk’s eyes welled up, and he grabbed both of yoongi’s hands in his, “never, hyung.”

he brought their interlocked hands up in front of yoongi’s face so he could see it, bringing the older’s hands to his lips to kiss it before muttering out a determined, “never.”

yoongi’s body shook as sobs wracked his body, jeongguk gasping and immediately opening his arms in an attempt to catch his crumbling lover. they both sink to the floor, yoongi’s heart wrenching cries mixing with jeongguk’s quiet crying as he gently rocks yoongi back and forth, muttering out reassurances that even he isn’t sure are true. yoongi’s head is nuzzled under his chin, jeongguk’s tears falling into his hair as they both cry on their living room floor.

—

“you’ve never hidden from anything, jeonggukie,” yoongi whispered out, his skin paler than ever before. jeongguk stared at him, eyes wide and wet, always wet— always crying.

“don’t change now.”

—

“hyung!” jeongguk yelled, shaking yoongi’s shoulders violently. he knew it didn’t help but he couldn’t help it. would do anything to see his hyung’s kitten eyes open again, anything to have yoongi jump up and yell that it was just a prank, laugh in his face and say that he got him this time. then jeongguk could laugh and be pissed for a day and yoongi would make it up to him with kisses and cuddles— but yoongi wasn’t responding, not even when jeongguk started crying, and yoongi wasn’t cruel. yoongi wouldn’t do this.

“hyung, please!” jeongguk slapped yoongi’s cheek gently, his own tears dripping down onto yoongi’s unconscious face, “please.”

hastily, jeongguk grabbed his phone, dialing the emergency number and waiting anxiously as it beeped in the other end of the line. eventually a lady picked up and jeongguk managed to somehow squeeze out his address in the midst of the panic, hoping he was coherent enough through his tears for the lady to understand him. when she’d finally told him that help was on the way, jeongguk let himself crumble, tears gliding down his tanned cheeks, leaving wet paths in their wake. jeongguk grabs a hold of yoongi’s hand, shaking it in his hold, “always hold my hand, hyung? always, right?”

and for the first time in years, there’s no response.

—

yoongi’s breath is ragged, sounding painful and jeongguk knew. seokjin knew. they all knew. tears had seemingly gotten stuck in jeongguk’s eyes, staying there and refusing to fall over the waterline, hanging on for dear life as jeongguk held yoongi’s hand tight. it had been an hour since a nurse had informed them that there was nothing more they could do, and the words had barely left his mouth before jeongguk was broken down, crumbling in a frantic seokjin’s arms as he attempted to put the broken boy back together.

“talk to him, gguk-ah,” seokjin spoke softly, his voice shaky, “he can still hear you.”

jeongguk nodded slowly, reaching into his pocket to fish out the poem he’d stuffed in there, the poem that yoongi had written to jeongguk. the poem that yoongi had refused to show him, the one jeongguk had found stuffed into a box. jeongguk knew yoongi threw his lyrics and poems around the house, hiding them in different places when he thought they weren’t good. every now and then, jeongguk would find one and once again be rendered speechless at his hyung’s talent. the talent that the world now had to miss out on. jeongguk smiled through his tears, “i found a poem in a hidden box, hyung, you should know you can’t hide things from me.”

seokjin gave a wet chuckle from where he was standing, watching the couple fondly. jeongguk grabbed yoongi’s hand, holding the poem up with his other hand, “if it’s okay with you, i’d like to read some of it for you.”

jeongguk started out at the top, getting through the entire first and second part, his voice hoarse and cracked at the edges, before he finally at the third verse broke down, his body shaking and his hand tightening on the piece of paper. he heard his own pitiful sobs reach his own ears before he realized he was crying, and he clutched yoongi’s hand tighter, hoping that if he squeezed hard enough, it would make him feel it. seokjin’s warm hands grabbed onto jeongguk’s hands as he gently pried the poem from jeongguk’s hands. jeongguk didn’t know what he wanted, it didn’t hit him until seokjin suddenly continued reading the poem where he’d left off.

“out here, we sit with one foot planted in the past and the other dangling

over the edge of the world, hand in hand with our shadows, because

all the way out here the bus doesn’t come around anymore, and even

if it did, where would we go?”

seokjin voice was shaky as he finished off the poem. jeongguk glanced up at yoongi’s face, listening for the scratchy sound of his breaths, “i love you, hyung.”

a thin eerie silence filled the room up to the brim before seokjin’s shaky voice cut through it quietly, deadly, his hand resting on yoongi’s wrist, searching for a pulse, “he’s gone.”

and jeongguk crumbled.

—

“always hold my hand?” eleven year old yoongi had shyly muttered, his eyes only meeting jeongguk’s for a second before falling down to meet with the floor. jeongguk stared for a second, letting yoongi’s words ring in his brain before a big smile lit up his face and he nodded eagerly, squeezing yoongi’s hand.

“always.” nine year old jeongguk replied.