Chapter Text
“No, Pickens, that is not how you combine Onion Juice and Jewelweed. If you are not more cautious with how you work in my class, I will seek further means of punishment. Perhaps detention is not good enough for you.” Professor Snape glared at Jim Pickens. Jim’s sloppy work covered his entire workspace. His uneven cuts of the onion splayed like shark teeth up from the wooden slab. “Simpson, take over. Pickens uses his hands like a barbarian.” The professor glided away. Snape had been going through a bit of a phase recently where he would slip around the castle on Heelys hidden under his cloak for more of a dramatic, intimidating effect.
Homer Simpson, Jim’s potion partner, scoffed indignantly, “Are you trying to kill everyone? The way you’re working is going to make an explosive potion.”
Jim nodded, "Yeah."
"Listen I don’t want to fail this class again. I’ve already failed it once, and Dumbledore said he’d expel me if I failed again. You can kill everyone later, but if we fail to make these potions, I’ll end up dead at the end of the semester for sure. Marge is getting upset that I’ve given up my home life for magic.” Homer pleaded as he sliced through the onion neatly and juiced it by squeezing it through a cheesecloth.
“I’m going to Lupin's class. Finish this potion, will you?” Jim pushed himself back from the workbench and strided up to the front of the class. “Snape, I hate you. It took me forever to find this class, and your Heely’s aren’t even cool.”
“Yes they are!” Hollered Homer from the back of the class. His voice peaked with agitation, cracking at the highest pitch.
“Detention, Pickens.” Snape snarled, tucking his shoes beneath the skirts of his long cloak. “See me at the end of your classes today. I will inform Dumbledore of your misbehavior, and you will be punished accordingly.” He slinked behind his desk, scanning the class for a victim. “And Simpson as well. You have failed to keep Pickens in line, so you have failed today’s lesson. I am quite aware of your ultimatum with the headmaster. If you desire to continue on this path, I will have to fail you entirely. Finally, due to both of your atrocious behavior, ten points from Slytherin.”
“Professor Snape! I’m not even in Slytherin! I left my kids to come here.” cried Homer, wiping at his eyes with onion juice covered hands. His eyes welled with tears from the fragrant chopped onion spread beneath his nose. He wiped his eyes, screaming as he spread the juice from the cloth onto his face. “Snape” he blubbered, “Please don’t do this.”
Jim coldly turned from the scene, his face hardened in a stoic expression. He slipped through the door as Homer continued to act as a distraction. He felt no empathy for his partner. He felt no remorse toward his house for losing the points. Jim only wanted one thing in life. Jim wanted chaos. He wanted to be the reason Lucifer’s fall seemed pitiful. He wanted to be the reason for the earthquakes, the tsunamis, and the end of the world. He wanted to be the reason for all of the bad things happening to good people. He wanted to be the puppeteer and make everyone dance at his feet.
But Jim needed only one thing in life as well. Jim’s heart of stone beat only for one tall, hairy, chunky man. Jim lusted deeply after PS1 Hagrid. He yearned for the tall man. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t drink. He spent his days in pure agony, grinding his mind over the thought of living without Hagrid, breathing without him. The wrenching pain that broiled within him grew as he imagined his studies without Hagrid to keep him distracted. Jim needed Hagrid.
Jim could never tell Hagrid about his desire. His burning, aching, lust towards the giant was forbidden as the forest. All he could do is imagine himself tightly wrapped in the big, burly man’s arms and never let go. He would give up everything for the man. He would cause chaos for the man. He considered taking a visit to Hagrid’s cabin and stewing deep conversation over steaming cups of tea. Instead, Jim chose to visit Lupin as to not be obvious about his love.
He dragged his feet down the hallway and into another hallway. And then another hallway, and then another. The halls of Hogwarts all looked the same. Despite having attended school for a semester, Jim heavily relied on his classmates to take him around the school. He traveled up and down winding staircases, across halls and through doors, searching for the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. After a while of groggy searching, Jim stumbled into the Slytherin dorms and slumped into one of the couches in the lounge, giving up on his search.
“Jim,” someone called from the shadows of the room. “I’ve heard about your roommates.” Malfoy stepped forth, the light revealing his identity. Jim grunted in reply. Malfoy continued “You’ve tormented them.” Jim grunted again, this time approvingly. In the beginning of the year, Jim lived in a room with three other first year boys. He slept in the far right wall, and kept all of his belongings chained in his trunk. Jim, however, believed in chaos as a method to get what he desired. After finding multiple scorpions under his pillow and scrolls with threats dumped on his bed multiple times, one of the boys begged his parents to transfer him to France. Jim never bragged about his accomplishments, but he did immediately reap the benefits of his work. After the boy moved out, Jim pushed the empty bed over to his own and created an ocean of bedding on which to sleep. The other roommates cowered in fear. They huddled together on the far bed, opening another mattress for Jim to take as free real estate.
Malfoy continued, “That is true Slytherin behavior, Jim. Would you like to come to my father’s house? He would like to meet you.”
“How did you know I was coming?” Jim asked.
“I didn’t.” Malfoy admitted.
“Have you been waiting there?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a lot of money?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure, I’ll come.” Jim stood from the couch and headed towards the door to exit the dorm. “Let’s go.”
“Now? But there’s class soon.”
“Which one?”
“Care of Magical Creatures.”
“With Hagrid?”
“I hate that ugly man. Gryffindors.” said Malfoy disgustedly.
“He’s not ugly!” Jim snapped, unable to catch himself from yelling.
“He is. Any Gryffindor is ugly.” Malfoy glanced at his nails. “Rats. It’s broken again.” He huffed in annoyance. “Come to the dorms after dinner. We’ll head over to my house for the night and be back by the morning.” Malfoy slid back into the shadows falling in the corner of the room like a shower.
“Not him.” Jim whispered softly. It had never occurred to him that Hagrid could be a Gryffindor. He always assumed someone as hot as Hagrid would be a Slytherin, or at the very least a Hufflepuff. It is a well known fact that Hagrid is a stoner, afterall, and stoners account for most of the Hufflepuffs. Jim could tolerate the Hufflepuffs. He could even persuade himself to tolerate Ravenclaws, but never Gryffindors. How sinful it is to be a Gryffindor, and how shameful was he who loved before the label. Jim collapsed onto the couch, swooning like an 18th century maiden in distress. He moaned in disbelief before springing to his feet and darting out of the lounge door. He returned shortly after. “Malfoy, how do I get to class?”
“You go outside.” He responded promptly.
“Yes, I know but how do you get outside?” Jim sighed.
“Go up the stairs straight ahead and follow the hallway until you see the turn off on the right framed with torches. Now if you see the bridge you’ve gone too far. Take a right down the torch hallway and go through the corridor. Then make an abrupt left and you’re in the grand entrance. Then you want to follow the wall on your right until you see the Great hall. Once you see the hall, don’t go inside. Take a left down the hall perpendicular to it. Go up the spiral staircase until the top, cross the bridge there, and go down the sloping hallway. Then you’ll want to turn around and go halfway up again. It is imperative that you go all of the way down or the paintings will cause you to slip. Once you’re halfway up again, turn off the sloping hallway and into the stairwell. Go all of the way down the stairs and out of the doors.” Malfoy spoke ominously, refusing to leave the bath of the shadows.
Jim snapped back to reality. “Huh? Oh. And then what?”
“Then you’re outside. Go straight down the hill until you see a stone path. Follow the path, but once you hit the forest, veer off the path and to the left towards the stables. At this point you should begin to see other students. You’re almost there. You’ll climb the hill and it should be right over the crest. You should see it from there.”
“Oh. Right. And if I don’t go to class then?” Jim questioned blankly.
“You’ll lose points for Slytherin, and you’ll lose my respect.” Malfoy jumped from the shadows, wand in hand before slinking back into the abyss.
“Okay, noted. Thanks.” He jogged back out of the door and immediately blanked on the directions. “Dear God.” He muttered, staring down the three paths ahead of him like he was looking at a book without pictures. “Left. Always go left.” He reassured himself.
Down the left hallway there was a tall, looming staircase stretching into the darkness. The walls were void of windows and torches, and the stairs seemed to stretch eternally. Jim pushed on, determined to see the love of his life. He cast a Lumos spell, sprouting a ball of light at the tip of his slender wand which allowed him enough freedom to see a few steps ahead. Jim ventured bravely, bodly, into the unknown.
As he climbed the staircase his knees grew weaker. He was unsure of the time that had passed, but the thought of it being soon over was enough to keep him climbing. Soon a haze of light grew on the walls like mold, covering the brick of the walls in a thick layer. He began to take the steps two at a time when he saw this, running to meet the eventual peak.
Once he reached the top of the stairs he statshed his wand back in his robes and began to heave. As an old man pretending to be a student so he could attend Hogwarts, Jim could not keep pace with many of the other first years. Stairs knocked the wind out of him everytime he climbed them, no matter how steep the staircase was. At the landing there was a fork in the hallway. One side led straightforward, and the other side led to the left. Straightforward seemed darker, yet he could see what looked to be a classroom door from where he stood. The left hallway seemed to be brighter, perhaps with light from outside. “Left, always go left.” Jim repeated, wheezing.
Jim crept down the path with his hands over his head, trying to catch his breath. “Where do you think you are going, young man?” A woman’s voice called from behind.
Jim turned to see Professor McGonagall standing impatiently with her arms crossed over herself. “Outside, professor.” He responded, turning to leave again.
“Why’s that?” Professor McGonagall inquired, stubbornly staying in place where she stood.
“I have Hagrid’s class.” Jim claimed. He was growing agitated at the plethora of sudden questions.
“Oh, Hagrid’s class isn’t that way. It’s over there.” She gestured in the complete opposite direction than Jim was heading. Jim turned once more to look the way she was pointing. His face fell into despair and he realized all of his progress in his journey actually set him back further. “Would you like me to show you? First years get lost all of the time.”
“Yes, please.” Jim groaned as he treaded toward Professor McGonagall. “I thought I was going the right way.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve gotten lost many times. You would think they would add some signs to this place. It took me many years to figure out how to get to my room without incident.” She laughed. She skated down the hallway slowly, pacing herself on her rollerblades for Jim to be able to catch up.
They returned to the Slytherin Dormitories and stood in front of the entrance. “From here you’re going to go up the stairs straight ahead and follow the hallway until you see the turn off on the right framed with torches. Now if you see the bridge you’ve gone too far. Take a right down the torch hallway and go through the corridor. Then make an abrupt left and you’re in the grand entrance. Then you want to follow the wall on your right until you see the Great hall.”
“I’ve heard it before.” Jim interrupted. “With those exact words, I think. Can you just apparate me there?”
“Well, I guess, but that wouldn’t be very fun. I’ll race you there.” She said, doing circles around Jim with her rollerskates.
“No, professor I just want to get to class.” Jim said, defeated.
“Fine, I’ll just apparate you there.” She rolled her eyes like she rolled her skates and hit Jim with her wand, sending him to Hagrid’s class.