Chapter Text
I Chapter – Clarke’s P.O.V
It’s a beautiful Thursday morning, the sun is shining and for a moment I forget about the twenty four hour shift I just did. I have been working since 8 a.m of yesterday and until now, I barely had a minute to rest. The hospital has been pretty busy and I can’t wait to go home. I am not trying to complain about my job, being a primary care doctor is something I always wanted to do but it can still be very tiring.
I’m finally on my way to my car in the parking lot to get home and fall on my bed and sleep for seven straight hours.
‘’Where’s my damn keys?’’ I whisper to myself while holding my bag with one hand and searching for my keys with the other.
‘’Clarke!’’ Suddenly, I hear my mom calling out my name and I turn my back to see her giving a slow run towards me.
‘’Mom…Is everything okay?’’ I ask with a concern voice.
‘’Yes sweety, everything is okay’’ She says giving me a small and sweet smile while approaching me. ‘’I just wanted to talk to you about something’’ I can’t help but notice she has this nervous and uncomfortable posture which makes me frown.
‘’Okay, what do you want to talk about mom?’’ I ask when I finally find my keys on my bag. ‘’Thank God, here it is.’’
‘’You had a twenty four hour shift, I’ll let you head home and rest, we could talk over dinner maybe?’’ She gives me a shy smile and gently caress my arm. I get this feeling that she is somehow relieved to postpone whatever she wanted to talk for later.
‘’That sounds good…But are you sure everything is okay?’’ If only I wasn’t too tired, I would insist until she told me the exact topic of the conversation but right now I just want to get home and take some sleep, I can barely feel my legs at this point.
‘’Yes sweetheart, don’t worry really, everything is okay, we can talk over dinner tonight’’ She says before giving me a hug. ‘’Drive safe, I will call you around 6:30 p.m.’’
‘’Okay.’’ I pull back from the hug and give her a kiss. ‘’I love you, see you later mom’’. I say while unlocking my car.
‘’I love you too. Bye’’. She waves at me while I’m taking my seat and I smile.
I’m sitting in my car and I watch my mom slowly entering the hospital again. I briefly remember when I got the opportunity to work in the same hospital as her and how excited we both were to work together. My thoughts are shaken by the sound of an incoming message and I grab my phone to check it. I realize it’s a text from Finn.
‘’Wanna grab lunch today ? :) ’’
I was about to reply when I see the three dots indicating that he is typing again and I decide to wait for his next text.
‘’Or maybe dinner I don’t know…Wanna hang out today?’’
I stare at my phone for a little bit but honestly, I’m not thinking about anything. I immediatly start typing a response before I fall asleep on my car seat because I feel my eyes getting heavier each second.
‘’I am sorry, I am just done with a 24 hour shift and I really could use sleep right now…And I’m going to have dinner later with my mom.’’
After pressing the send button, I lock my phone and start the engine. I hear the sound of another incoming message but there is no way I am delaying my way home again. I make my exit from the parking lot and I start heading to my apartment.
***
I finally step out of the elevator, since I live in the 7th floor, and I grab my keys to unlock the door. I can hear giggles from the outside and it made me smile.
‘’Raven, stop mocking me, I am serious!’’ Octavia shouts while giving a small punch on Raven’s arm.
‘’Outch!’’ Raven faked being hurt and started laughing. ‘’I just find this pretty amusing’’.
‘’Girls, what is going on here?’’ I asked while approaching them whit a curious smile on my face. They were sitting on the couch eating their breakfast while watching something on Netflix. I can’t help but feeling jealous. I wish I had a start of the morning like that.
‘’Octavia here is ready to have babies with Linc!’’ Raven says giving a mischievous smile to our friend then she let a loud laugh that filled the room. Raven is the life of the party, always been. Besides being a beautiful, with an amazing smile and white teeth latina, she is funny and she doesn’t lose an opportunity to mock her friends.
‘’Shut up, Raven!’’ Octavia shouts while blushing. She isn’t angry, in fact I think she is finding it funny despite being embarassed.
‘’What do you mean, O is ready to have kids with Lincoln?’’ I ask and giggle. Even with this huge desire to just lay down in my bed, I love to catch up with these two a little. We have been roomates for years, their presence gives me life. I couldn’t imagine myself without them.
‘’Raven is being stupid! I never said that…’’ Octavia explains while getting up from the couch. ‘’You know how she is…Always adding something to a story to make it more interesting’’ She adds and rolls her eyes to our friend.
‘’Hey! I hope you’re not lowkey calling me a liar.’’ Raven fakes a pounting and then she looks at me amused. ‘’Seriously, our friend is currently in her love train and she is not coming back.’’
‘’That is not a bad thing.’’ I say following the shy expression on Octavia’s face and give her a smile. ‘’I am happy that O found someone to share her love with.’’ After saying this, Octavia looks at me with a full smile and her blue eyes are shining. God she truly caught herself in the love train. I have never saw her like this. Not in a ten year friendship we share with each other.
Raven looks at both of us and makes this funny expression that she always does when she thinks somebody is saying something really stupid. ‘’Jesus, aren’t you two cheesy…’’ She says. Octavia sticks her tongue out for her and Raven repeats the gesture back at her. That makes me laugh.
‘’Okay guys, stop acting like childs now and explain me better this whole conversation about O and Linc’s kids please’’ Honestly, I just want to finish this conversation and go to bed because my body is screaming for a huge nap.
‘’Octavia and I were watching this TV show and there was this scene where a woman appeared holding her baby and giving him kisses and O just said she didn’t mind to have that soon with Linc’’ Raven explains looking at Octavia while rubbing her belly pretending to be pregnant.
‘’It was a dog Raven!’’ Octavia says and she lifts both her arms. Raven just giggles and throws a pillow at her.
‘’Now that this whole thing is finally explained, I am going to bed.’’ I say while approaching them to give them a hug. ‘’As much as I love to catch up with you, I need to sleep badly’’.
‘’Yes doc, you need your beauty sleep, you look like shit’’ Raven says and my first instinct is throw a punch on her shoulder. ‘’Another one?’’
‘’You deserved it, you rude bitch’’ Octavia says and laughs.
‘’Okay, okay, but are you still having babies with Linc when he comes back?’’ Raven teases Octavia and gives her a funny face. Ocatvia quickly grabs the pillow Raven threw her earlier and throws it back at her. At this time I am on my way to my room but I can still hear them.
‘’What is it with you two that haven’t stop bullying me today and it’s barely 9 a.m.’’ I hear Raven complain before closing my room door.
Finally, I change into more comfortable clothes and lay down on my bed. It feels heavenly, I have been waiting so long for this moment. I didn’t need a minute to fall into a deep sleep.
***
I wake up and reach for my phone on the bedside table to check the time and it’s 4:48 p.m. I put my phone away and let my head fall again to my pillow. I am facing the ceiling and I start wondering what is it that my mom wants to talk about. The way she was acting earlier was strange. Now that I rested, I get this endless curiosity I can’t control. I am trying to figure out the possibilities when this thought suddenly comes up. Did she find someone?
I get up after spending ten more minutes on my bed and I leave the room. I am heading to the kitchen and I spot Raven eating a sandwich. She gives me a smile.
‘’You look way better now’’ She manages to say with her mouth full. I needed a second to realize what she was saying.
‘’Thank you.’’ I say while opening the refrigerator to grab some orange juice.
‘’Is everything okay with you Clarke? Or are you just still tired?’’ She asks. I can see the concern on her face. We have been friends for so long that we don’t need to say if something is bothering us or not. We just know it.
I give her a little smile. ‘’I don’t even know honestly.’’ I say while grabbing a cup and start filling it with orange juice.
‘’What’s wrong?’’ She puts her sandwich back on the plate and waits for me to answer. But I don’t say anything for some time.’’Did something happened at the hospital?’’ She adds trying to make me talk.
‘’No, everything went well at the hospital.’’ I say and take a sip of juice. ‘’My mom came to me earlier today when I was leaving the hospital with this weird talk.’’
‘’What weird talk?’’ She asks and raises her eyebrow.
‘’Well she only said she wanted to talk to me about something, she didn’t say what…’’ I start explaining and my voice shows signs of nervousness. ‘’Now that I think about the way she was acting, nervous and strange, I can’t help myself but wonder if she founds someone.’’
‘’What are your thoughts on that?’’ Raven asks me. I turn my back and start doing the dishes that are in the sink with hope that will distract me from thinking too much about the topic. My friend, patiently, waits for an answer but I still don’t know what to say. We spend probably a whole minute in silence. ‘’Clarke…’’
I drop the plate I was washing in the sink and turn to face her. ‘’I don’t know Ray…’’ I say while putting my right hand on my forehead. I am feeling somehow really anxious about this conversation. ‘’I never saw my mom with anyone else besides my dad. I know it’s been some years since he died but this is new territory for me.’’
Raven gets up from the chair and approaches me resting her left hand on my shoulder. ‘’I understand. I know that you might be anxious and even scared because this would be a new thing for you seeing your mom with someone else. But you have to see it’s been 8 years and she is such a wonderful woman that deserves happiness.’’
She is right, my mom deserves all the happiness in this world. She needs someone to be with her so she doesn’t feel so alone anymore. This is just…All so new for me. It’s funny I don’t know what she wants to talk about but I am already making assumptions and suffering over anticipation. What I am really trying to do is mentally preparing myself. I wouldn’t want to have an unexpected and bad reaction later.
‘’I know Ray…I really don’t want to be selfish. I want her to be happy…It’s all just new.’’ I say and she nods before going to sit on the chair again and eat the rest of the sandwich. I turn my back again so I can finish doing the dishes.
‘’So tell me Princess…’’ Raven begins to speak and I shake my head when I hear the nickname my friends decided to give me back in High school. ‘’What about your love life? Any progress with Finn?’’
This is typical Raven. She is the kind of person that loves to know about her friends’ love lives. Honestly, she likes to know about everything but I don’t see it in a bad way. Raven is a really good friend. I was blessed with her friendship ten years ago. She has been my support system through all those years. Ever since we met, Octavia too, it’s always been us three together, everywhere. We share such a special connection and our friendship is like a priceless treasure to me.
‘’He sent me a text this morning asking if I wanted to hang out today but I said I couldn’t.’’ I answer while cleaning my hands that were wet from doing the dishes.
‘’And why couldn’t you?’’ Raven asks with a confusion look.
‘’I had a twenty four hour shift, I had to come home and sleep…’’ I begin to explain. ‘’And I am having dinner with my mom today because she wants to talk.’’
‘’Hm…’’ Raven doesn’t say anything more. I sit on the chair in front of her and I start scrolling on my social media. ‘’Can I ask you a question?’’ She adds after a while and I take my eyes off of my phone to look at my friend and find her staring at me with a serious look.
‘’Huh, yes?’’ I give her permission to go head and I get a feeling that she is going to ask me something that will make me feel uncomfortable.
‘’Even if you had free time today, you wouldn’t hang out with him, would you?’’ Raven asks.
I knew some question like that would come up. Raven can read my mind way too well. Sometimes it pisses me off that she knows exactly how I think. It becomes impossible to hide something from her. Things I don’t really want to talk about.
‘’Probably not…’’ I say looking away from her and grabbing my phone starting checking my social media again. I hope she doesn’t push this any further.
‘’Why?’’ She asks. I knew she wasn’t going to let me escape without an answer. I am trying to ignore her question by pretending I am too distracted with my social media. I hear Raven letting out a sigh. ‘’Clarke, don’t pretend you didn’t hear what I just asked you…Why?’’
‘’I don’t have a reason.’’ I respond without looking away from my phone.
‘’You do, you just don’t want to say.’’ Raven says while getting up from the chair grabbing her plate and putting in the sink.
‘’For the record, I just did the dishes and you’re totally washing your own plate now.’’ I say as an attempt to avoid the conversation we were having. I watch her crossing her arms on her chest and fixing her eyes on me like she’s waiting for an answer. ‘’Ray, stop.’’
‘’What? I am not doing anything…’’ She shakes her head still looking at me. ‘’I am just waiting to hear the reason you don’t want to hang out with someone who’s been really nice to you…’’
She is right. Finn has been really nice with me. We met at a party three months ago. We have been hanging out with each other, maybe, twice a week ever since. He works in a construction company. He has a good personality, I can’t deny that. He gives me attention, respect, listens to me complaining about my tiring days at the hospital. He is also a very attractive man. Having his company feels good sometimes. We did share some intimate moments already as well. We first kissed the second time we hung out.
‘’I didn’t say I didn’t want to hang out with him…’’ I explain locking my phone and getting up. ‘’I just said I didn’t want to hang out with him today, there’s a difference.’’ I add while dragging the chair under the table.
‘’Yeah, okay.’’ Raven shrugs and picks her phone that was on top of the table. She doesn’t sound convinced about the answer I just gave her but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t like to have this deep conversations about my feelings. ‘’You know I am this angel that God sent you from above to certify you’re doing what is right for you.’’ She gives me an amused smile and laughs right after I stick my tongue out for her. I laugh too.
‘’You have to always add some Raven sauce to every conversation, don’t you?’’ I say and giggle. Raven always manage to say or make something funny during every serious conversation. That is one thing I love about her. The way she is able to clear the air and amuse everybody around her. Honestly, her energy is contagious.
‘’You already know.’’ She winks at me and smiles. ‘’I am heading out now to pick up Octavia from work and then we’re going grocery shopping. Text me if you need anything from the store.’’ She picks her jacket that was hanging on the back of the chair she was preivous sitting.
‘’Okay, will do.’’ I nod and she reaches my cheek to give me a kiss. ‘’Don’t buy too much chocolates.’’
She laughs while leaving the kitchen. ‘’I can’t promise that!’’ She shouts from the living room.
Some seconds after I hear the door close. I grab my phone to check the time and the clock shows it’s 5:37 p.m. It’s time to take a shower, dress and wait for my mom to call me.
***
I took a shower and got dressed. I put a dark blue blouse, skinny black jeans and, after debating whether I should go for a more comfortable black boots or black heels, I decided to choose the heels. Even if it’s a casual dinner with my mom, it always feels good to feel pretty. Even more after wearing a doctor uniform for twenty four straight hours.
I check myself on the mirror after I put some make up. I decided to go light on it. I feel good about my outfit and how I look.
I grab my phone and take a mirror selfie to send to the group chat I share with my bestfriends. It doesn’t take long after I hear a notification and open it.
‘’Wow Griffin, are you going on a date?’’ Octavia replied and added two flame emojis.
I smile at her message and start typing a message but I got interupted by an incoming call of my mom.
‘’Hey mom.’’ I greet her.
‘’Hi sweety. Are you ready?’’ She asks from the other side of the line.
‘’Yes, I just finished. Are we going to have dinner out or at your house?’’ I ask.
‘’I was thinking about having a dinner here, at home.’’ She says. ‘’I made the lasagna you love so much.’’ She adds and I giggle. I can picture her smiling from the other line.
‘’That sounds so good mom!’’ I say and I can’t hide the excitement in my voice. It is always perfect to eat mom’s food. She is an amazing cooker.
‘’Someone’s really excited for a lasagna.’’ My mom says and giggles.
‘’Well I am famished, so…’’ I add and roll my eyes with an amused smile on my face.
‘’Do you want me to pick you up sweetheart?’’ She asks.
‘’Oh no, I can drive. I will be there soon.’’ I say while walking out of my room.
‘’Okay, see you soon. Love you sweety.’’ My mom says.
‘’Love you too.’’ I say before hanging up.
I grab my jacket, my bag and my car keys and I head to the parking lot of our apartment.
I unlock my car and I feel excited because I am going to eat lasagna. It’s true what people say, food can really put you in a good mood, especially if it is one of your favourite ones. No one can blame me, I didn’t eat anything since I left the hospital. I only drank an orange juice.
To match my excitement, I connect my phone to my car so I can listen to my favourite songs. I bought my new car after a year of working. It was an accomplishment. It is a black Audi A3 Sportback with the latest technology. After connecting my phone to my car, I start my engine and make my way to my mom’s home jamming to Blinding Lights by The Weeknd.
***
After driving for around twenty minutes I arrive my mom’s house. I open the gate with the remote I still keep and drive inside the property. My mom’s house is beautiful and modern. It has a big garden and a pool on the back. It’s a house with only one floor but it’s still an extensive one. I know I could’ve stay here and live with her, in this amazing house. But I decided to move out because it kept so many memories of my dad. My mom understood and let me have my time even though she was sad by my decision. I feel bad that I left her here, alone, dealing with all the memories by herself, but let’s just say I wasn’t in a good position mentally to deal with it and my mom understood that. My dad died when I was on the first year of college. I was almost nineteen years old. He was on his way home from work and a drunk driver lost control of his car and crashed into my dad’s. He died instantly. The impact was too violent. When my mom told me what happened there was this big mixture of feelings inside me. It was a mixture between anger, sadness, rebellion and confusion. I didn’t deal well with it at all. All these feelings consumed me and I made so many mistakes because I refused to grief and accept my dad’s death. I spent one year avoiding the topic and denying that I needed to face what happened to him. When I did, I spent endless nights crying with all the pain I was feeling inside. I was crying about the things I lost in such a short time. I thought I was going to drown on my own tears. I decided to do therapy and it helped me. I spent the last years that was left of college doing therapy and still managing to study medicine. I won’t deny, there were times I felt like giving up because it was too overwhelming. But I kept going, those years made me stronger. When I graduated by the age of twenty four I decided I was going to focus on my career and remember him as the man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to count…That taught me so many things that I know now. After graduating, I started working in the same hospital as my mom and we were both really happy. Me and my mom have a wonderful relationship. I distanced myself from her the first two years after my dad died but the therapy was showing so many good results and proving to be effective that I started letting the memories of my dad in and being grateful that I was able to share all those good times with him. The process of acceptance was rough, but I made huge efforts. So did my mom. I can’t imagine what she’s been through alone. I realized that we are stronger together and as years went by, we found our beautiful connection again and it’s been growing every time. I smile looking at the tree that is in front of her house, it reminds me the Sundays me and my dad used to go there and sit for hours. He would read and I would draw. Today I am able to come home and be okay with remembering. Raven and Octavia often asked me why I never returned home if I am now comfortable with the memories it brings me. I think I am so used with living with them that I can’t imagine it in another way. But I visit my mom’s house often, in fact I already threw here some pool parties with my closest friends. If someone asked me eight years ago if I could be able to return home, I would say never. I guess time heals everything…Almost everything. I immediatly shake my thoughts and I make my way to the door when I see it opens and shows my mom. She looks amazing. She is wearing light blue jeans with a black blouse and white sneakers. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun. I can’t help but smile everytime I see her. I am so proud of this woman. The strongest woman I know.
‘’Hello sweetie! I heard your car.’’ She says and gives me a full smile.
‘’Hi mom, I just arrived. I came in a flash, I can’t wait to eat your lasagna.’’ I say and I rub my belly. She giggles.
‘’Come, I just finished. It’s ready to be eaten.’’ She says and we both walk inside the house and make our way to the dining room.
We are walking towards the dining room and I can smell the lasagna. God, I could have an orgasm by just smelling that. When we arrive I see she put a really nice table for us both.
I sit down and I stare outside of the big glassy doors. The dining room has a view to the pool and the garden. I missed having dinner here.
My mom grabs my plate and serves me some lasagna. ‘’Do you want more?’’ She asks while showing me the amount of lasagna she put on my plate.
‘’No, that’s good.’’ I say and I grab my plate placing it in front of me. I inhale the smell that is coming from it. ‘’Hmmm…This smells heavenly mom.’’
She giggles. ‘’I hope it tastes good too.’’ She says while serving some lasagna for herself too.
‘’There is no way your food tastes bad mom.’’ I say while serving both of us wine. My mom and I prefer white and rosé wine over the red one. So she chose the wine we usually drink when we have dinner together. A bottle of Waitrose Provence Rosé.
‘’Thank you.’’ She says after I fill half of her cup with wine.
After I fill both of our cups, I grab the fork and the knife that was on the side of the plate and I taste the lasagna.
‘’Hmm, wow it tastes even better.’’ I say closing my eyes and enjoying the taste of the perfectly cooked lasagna.
My mom laughs looking at my facial expression of pure delight. ‘’I am glad you like it sweetie. I bet you didn’t eat anything today.’’
‘’You’re right, I barely had time today.’’ I say while taking another piece of lasagna to my mouth. ‘’I mean, I had time when I get home but I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep. And by the time I woke up it was better to wait for dinner with you.’’
My mom nods and gives me a sweet smile. ‘’How’s Raven and Octavia?’’ She asks before taking a sip of wine.
‘’They are good.’’ I answer and take a sip of wine too. ‘’When I came home today I found Raven mocking Octavia because O apparently caught herself in the love train.’’ I let out a giggle and put the cup back on the table. My mom is smiling.
‘’That sounds like Raven.’’ She laughs a little and I can see that this topic made her nervous. Oh mom, I know you too well, so I already understand what is going on. ‘’This guy, Lincoln, he seems to be a great man.’’ She adds.
‘’He is.’’ I nod. ‘’Just the fact that he treats our Octavia well is already a good thing. I think they are great for each other. I have never seen her so happy with someone before.’’
‘’If I remember correctly, he is a soldier, right?’’ She asks and grabs her cup to drink more wine.
‘’Yes, he is.’’ I confirm. ‘’In fact, he is overseas right now, doing a mission. But I think he will come back for good after.’’
‘’That must be hard for Octavia…’’ She says while pouring some wine to both of our cups. ‘’Being here, missing him and thinking he is in a very dangerous place.’’
‘’That’s true. It is hard for her to deal with all that.’’ I agree. By this time I take the last slice of my lasagna. ‘’When they both met a year ago, he wasn’t doing any more dangerous missions like he used to. He spent six months back at home and he was called for a final mission for a month in a half in Kosovo.’’
My mom is finishing her dinner too and she rests both of her fork and knife on the plate. ‘’I admire the braveness of those people who do such risky missions. They leave their loved ones at home wondering if they will come back or not…If they are safe or not…’’ She says and I notice a little sadness in her voice. Probably because it reminded her of my dad. Not that he was in the military, but still…
‘’Me too…’’ I say. I watch my mom getting up and grabbing both of our plates. ‘’Now, can we go to the conversation you wanted to have with me mom?’’ I ask and I am relaxed. Whatever she is about to say, I am ready. I trust my mom and being with her brings me peace.
‘’Yes…’’ She says and sits back again on her chair. She is looking at me and probably she is figuring out how to tell me what I already know…Or I think I know. I am patiently waiting for her to continue and I raise my eyebrow because she is taking what it feels like an eternity. She laughs a little at my expression. ‘’Okay…Clarke, sweetheart, I met someone.’’ She finally says and looks at me trying to decifer my mood after hearing that and I simply give her an reasurance smile.
‘’I figure that out, I just needed the confirmation.’’ I say and she looks confused. ‘’I know you way too well, and honestly, sooner or later you would end up meeting someone. As long as you are happy, I am happy for you.’’ I grab her hand that is resting on the table and she smiles. I can see by the look on her face that she is relieved by my reaction.
‘’You have no idea how much that means to me.’’ She grabs my hand and then caress my cheek.
I turn my head a little to press a soft kiss on the palm of her hand. ‘’I kind of mentally prepared myself before this dinner even happened. I realized that maybe this was the topic of the conversation you wanted to have with me and I talked to Raven about it.’’ My mom is looking at me waiting for me to continue with a very curious expression. ‘’At first I was scared to even hear you saying what you just said, that you found someone new...And anxious…But then Ray told me the biggest truth of all time. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy and I don’t want you to feel alone.’’
My mom reaches me for a hug. I can sense she is way more relaxed and comfortable. ‘’I never felt alone, you were always with me Clarke.’’
I pull back from the hug and I give her a smile. ‘’I will always be with you, mom. Always. There was this time I was lost but I found an important part of myself when you embraced me in a hug after a long time. I want your happiness. You’re a smart woman and whoever he is, I know you chose well.’’
‘’He is a really nice man…I would like you to meet him some time.’’ She is toothy smiling. She seems really happy and I love seeing her this way. This is what she deserves, nothing less than this.
‘’I would like that.’’ I nod and smile at her. ‘’He is a lucky man for dating the wonderful Abby Griffin.’’ We both laugh.
‘’What about my daughter?’’ Oh no, here it comes, the question I hate to answer. ‘’Have you been seeing anyone?’’
I hate this kind of questions. I don’t know how to explain, they are just…Painful. I don’t know why. I mean, I do know why and that is probably why it hurts. I look outside trying to think about what I am going to answer, I could say I am still talking with Finn but for three months things have been still going really slow. No progress. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. Maybe I should relax a little more and go with the flow. Thing is, when I try to give a little of myself to someone, it feels wrong.
‘’Clarke…’’ My mom calls me back to earth. I didn’t realize I was paralyzed on my thoughts for a good amount of time. I look at her and she is giving me a sympathetic smile. ‘’You can’t, can you?’’
I only manage to shake my head and stare at the table trying to refuse and avoiding so many thoughts that are eager to come out. ‘’Is there dessert?’’ I ask as an attempt to stop this conversation from going any further. It is the second time of the day that someone tries to make me talk about this and I am way too stubborn to give in.
‘’There is but it can wait.’’ My mom says and she gives me a serious look.
‘’What?’’ I ask trying to act surprised with her expression. I wish we were talking about her love life instead of mine for a moment. I would rather be spending the whole evening knowing details about this new guy in her life than having this talk.
‘’Trying to ignore this issue won’t make it go away.’’ She gets up and walks to the kitchen. My mom comes back with the dessert and two plates. I smile seeing what she made. A chocolate cake that I adore. She places a small plate and a fork in front of me and she sits back on her chair. ‘’You should talk about your thoughts, you are bottling them up and it won’t do any good to you sweetheart.’’
I look at my mom studying what I am going to say while she is cutting a piece of cake for me. ‘’I know but I really don’t want to talk about it…’’ I say while she puts the piece of cake on my little plate. ‘’Thank you.’’
She takes a piece of cake for herself too and we both taste it at the same time. ‘’Your chocolate cake is so good, I wouldn’t mind eating it every day.’’ I say and she giggles.
‘’Thank you sweetie.’’ She gives me a smile. ‘’You know I am always here if you want to talk, about anything. I don’t like to see you being consumed by your thoughts. You are strong, no doubt of that, but it’s okay to show fragilities sometimes. It’s human.’’
‘’I know.’’ I nod and I stare at my plate. I can feel her eyes on me. ‘’I am just afraid if I talk I will not be able to control the sadness I feel about it.’’
‘’You have to let it out in order to heal, Clarke.’’ My mom’s voice now describes concern and I hate that she is worried. I don’t like worrying people about the feelings I have been hiding inside. It feels everybody is afraid that I will go through a huge mental breakdown again.
I let out a sigh and I look at her. ‘’I can’t heal, not from that mom.’’
My mom rests her hand on my shoulder. ‘’You will find your happiness one day, again. Even if you think you won’t.’’
I wish my mom was right. I wish I was able to be happy again. Not just happy but…Whole. There’s this place inside me that is empty. It’s been empty ever since I realized what I lost. Not only I lost my father I also lost…Her. I lost the love of my life due to my mistakes, my bad decisions. I lost my safe place and I realized it too late. She was already gone. I have to shake this thoughts of my head quickly before I start crying.
I stay at my mom’s for an hour more, mostly talking about the hospital and random stuff before I decided to leave.
***
I arrive home and Raven and Octavia are sitting on the couch watching a movie and drinking beer.
‘’Hey Princess, how was the dinner with momma G?’’ Raven asks me while I take a seat next to them. ‘’Is it official that she is dating?’’
‘’What?’’ Octavia asks in complete surprise. She looks to both of us confused. ‘’Your mom has a boyfriend now?’’ She gives me an amused smile.
‘’Yes you can say that.’’ I giggle. My voice is low and trembling a little. This is the effect of the last conversation I had with my mom. I hope that they don’t notice my mood.
Raven raises her eyebrow at me. ‘’Are you okay with that? You don’t seem totally fine though…’’
Of course I would not be able to hide my mood to Raven. Or even Octavia to be honest. They know me way too well and could sense something is up with me from a mile away. All of a sudden I feel tired again. I feel tired of trying hard to hide my thoughts and preventing them from coming out. I almost lost control at my mom’s and I feel like if someone pushes me way too hard I’m going to fall apart today.
‘’Clarke are you okay?’’ I hear Octavia ask bringing me back from the trip I just made into my head. I didn’t realize I was too distracted.
‘’Yes I am okay.’’ Somehow I find a way to speak. Just speaking makes me lose energy. I don’t know what is going on with me today but it’s been a really hard day. Physically and mentally.
Raven frowns and shakes her index finger. ‘’No, no. You’re not okay. What is wrong with you Clarke? Did the conversation between you and your mom went wrong?’’
I lift my head to face them and I see my friends are looking steadly at me waiting for an answer. Great I worried my mom, now I am worrying my friends. I really don’t want to talk about what has been in my head but I want to give them an answer that will satisfy them without pushing the conversation any further. I can’t take it.
I am staring at my hands that are resting on my legs trying to compose my next words. I sigh. ‘’The conversation between me and my mom went perfectly fine, I like the fact that she is happy. I am just tired.’’
They are clearly not buying what I am saying. I could have given them already an answer that would satisfy them but I am preparing myself for what’s coming. I am just delaying and enjoying being on my safe zone for a while longer.
‘’You slept all day since you came back from the hospital.’’ Octavia makes an observation which is in fact true. I am not physically tired anymore. More like mentally.
I sigh again and it’s now or never. ‘’You guys know what is wrong when I am in this mood. I don’t have to say it. You are just making me talk about it, when I clearly don’t want to.’’ My voice was a little higher than normal. I didn’t mean to be rude with them. I am just so tired that it’s how the words came out.
‘’We know.’’ Raven begins. I stare at both of them and I can feel all the concern coming from their eyes. ‘’We are just worried you’re keeping everything to yourself. You don’t talk, Clarke, and that is a really bad thing for you.’’
Octavia leans, still sitting on the couch, closer to me so she can reach for my hand. That simple gesture makes me tremble. I am looking at my friends and I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I try to fight the urge I have to cry but it seems worthless. I don’t want to break down, I don’t want to break down in front of them. I take my hand off of Octavia’s and I go to my room and close the door.
I let myself fall in my bed and I start crying. The tears I have been holding since the conversation with my mom are coming out. Endlessly. This was not supposed to happen. I didn’t want this to happen. My regret is consuming me. I will never be happy with someone else. It’s been almost eight years and I can’t get over it. I am hopeless. Where’s the warmth of my dad’s arms when I need it the most? I miss him so much and I just cry even more. How did I become this mess?
After crying hard for around ten minutes straight I hear my door opening and I watch both Raven and Octavia laying down with me.
‘’Want to help us choosing a name for Linctavia babies?’’ Raven asks and Octavia gives her a little slap on the back of Raven’s head. I laugh. Only them to make me laugh right now.