Chapter Text

Six Eyes, Four Colors, None Open

May, 483 IC, Odin

Wolfgang Mittermeyer was achieving the impossible.

He and Reuenthal were alone together, and yet he was not happy. All the same, he was still there in the early hours of the evening, leaning gently against Reuenthal’s side, his eyes softly closed as he tried to smile. There was no way to avoid the thought that all of this was about to end, even if he should be ecstatic now. It was both tempting and tragically impossible to ignore what was coming.

The two of them shouldn’t even be together right now. With what was coming soon in Mittermeyer’s life, they should be moving apart, but habits were hard to break.

“You don’t have to do this,” Reuenthal said, the one to properly broach the topic for the first time tonight. “Family obligations are rarely within the interests of those that they fall upon.”

“Do you want to stop, then?” Mittermeyer responded, knowing that getting his boyfriend to be honest about his feelings was never easy. Soon after, he slid a few inches away, turning slightly to face the other man, as much as he wanted anything else.

“I meant that you could simply decline. Perhaps you are afraid of what you could be doing to her as a member of the fleet.”

“It’s far too late for that. Even ignoring how my father would react, I doubt the fleet would be agreeable if I ask for special leave for a wedding and return unmarried.”

“You have a desk job. I hardly doubt that the change in requisitions for coffee that week will send the whole fleet into disarray. If anything, you’re talented enough that they should thank you.”

“Weren’t you just telling me I should say that my work is dangerous? Aren’t you the one who says that women are deceitful?”

“Men can be deceitful as well, but we can at least settle our disagreements in other ways.”

Mittermeyer regretted even mentioning the topic. He even understood why Reuenthal felt the way that he did, but it was not something that was easy to get him off of once he started.

“Even if it was my father’s doing, I don’t think that she understands that. It isn’t as if I don’t also have feelings for her, either. I cannot simply… do that to her.”

This conversation had happened a dozen times in different words since Mittermeyer had (at his parents’ insistence) became engaged with Evangeline. She was a distant cousin of his that had stayed with his family for quite some time, and even when she was barely more than a girl, it was clear how she felt about him. She was kind-hearted and witty, with steely determination and a sad, tired heart underneath the shell that she showed to the world around her.

Let it not be said that Wolfgang Mittermeyer does not have a type, even across genders.

“If you are that concerned for her, then do you wish for this to end?” Reuenthal asked, sounding impassive as ever. It didn’t even hurt to think about being abandoned any more. Pain and loneliness were as natural to him as day following night.

“Of course not! If I could have told my parents about you when they were getting more and more concerned that their 25 year old son was in the military and seemed to have no interest in finding a woman… I wouldn’t be in this situation.” Mittermeyer said, wishing that he didn’t have to keep his feelings for the other man so secret. “On the other hand, I try to be an upstanding person, so I can hardly promise you that I’m going to be able to happily cheat on my wife with you once we’re married.”

At the best of times, Reuenthal was mercurial. He was terrified of commitment, and he had never been willing to say anything that would have made his relationship with Mittermeyer more real. The other man had grown to understand this quickly, and despite the fact that they were in the third year of their relationship, there were certain topics that he had understood were not to be breached, and he had respected them.

In this moment, however, he was flooded with regret. He couldn’t tell if he was jealous of Evangeline for getting to have the man that he wanted, or if some part of him actually envied the position that she would soon have. “I suppose you have permitted my dalliances with women in the past,” he said, moving to stand now. “However, Wolfgang… I hope that you do not expect me to play the role of the fool.” It was rare for him to call Mittermeyer by his first name, and in this case it was said in the softest tone his voice could muster, belying the pain in his heart.

With that, he lead Wolfgang to the door out of his apartment, for the alternative was showing weakness.

That was something that Mittermeyer was not afraid of, however. He barely even bothered to blink back the tears that came to his eyes as he felt the true weight of his choices weighing particularly heavily upon him. “Look, I don’t expect you to actually show up at the wedding, and I don’t know what… us will look like afterwards, but… Please. Please remember that you will always be close to my heart. If I wanted you out of my life, I would tell you.”

Reuenthal wordlessly watched as the other man walked away after a moment, his expression familiar and neutral even as he closed the door and turned away, walking directly to the part of his kitchen that was lined with several bottles of scotch. At first he reached for what was his ‘finest’ bottle, at least by the standards of a relatively junior officer, but remembering who had bought it for him only made the pain inside him sharper. He realized that he would be spending much of the rest of his night attempting to drown his feelings, and reached for his cheapest instead.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t made the women he had seen cry before. Some of them had been good enough to justify multiple visits, and he could at least intellectually understand why it was difficult for them to understand that the handsome, respected soldier who had borrowed their company wasn’t interested in anything further. It had never affected him before, their tears washing over him like gentle waves against a sandy beach. If anything, he sometimes found it exciting. Seeing Mittermeyer in pain, however, shook at something in his core.

Perhaps, he tried to justify to himself, it was better if he did not have the other man to distract from his ambitions.

When that did nothing, there was little left but to sit alone and try to allow himself to come to terms with his feelings, as distant and atavized as they were.

Mittermeyer was taking the long route home, as he usually did after a visit with Reuenthal. It was especially important tonight, even as odd as it felt to walk alone through a park in twilight, because he doubted he could survive Evangeline asking him overly pointed questions.

His heart was not made for perfidy, and he silently cursed its weakness as he wandered vaguely towards his own home. Reuenthal had been right about everything, both what he had said in words and what he had conveyed while leaving unsaid. He didn’t have to do this. It was almost too late to back out, but there was still time, not that he had ever had to do it in the first place. His father was certainly willing to impose on him when he thought it was for his own good, but he wasn’t a bad man and he would have perhaps even let up on the pressure if he had actually said anything to hint that he wasn’t interested.

It was too easy to let comfortable misfortune befall him. He was something like a romantic, a creature of soft and warm constitution, which made him feel unsuited for Reuenthal even ignoring everything else. It hurt him to be unable to properly share whatever little witty comments he had made when they were together, to not be able to tell anyone just how he felt… It hurt to pretend that he was ‘normal’, to pretend that he wasn’t deeply in love with another man. That almost justified his behavior, at least in his own mind, because he had to tell that lie not only to the world around him but to the man he loved as well.

Even if his heart didn’t flutter as hard when he was with Evangeline as it did for Reuenthal, at least they would be able to be open about their relationship, at least they wouldn’t have to lie to their friends and family, and at least he wouldn’t have to lie to the person that he was with. He and Reuenthal had been ‘intimate’ (not that the word really applied) multiple times before Reuenthal had been willing to let him simply kiss him when they were alone and in private.

It was especially easy to worry about what the man he was perhaps choosing to step away from would be unable to give him now. Every time that he had managed to ‘work late’ and spend time with Reuenthal since he had become engaged with Evangeline, it had ended in either a cold argument like this night’s or in rough, fraught sex. In the past, he had written off the other man’s behavior as simply a different way of expressing oneself than his own, but now he had to wonder if this really was just who Reuenthal was. It was certainly the man that you’d think he was if you talked to any of the women that he often took home, but Mittermeyer had hoped that what he had with him was different.

He didn’t even know if it was possible for two men to truly share the sorts of feelings that he had for Reuenthal in a world like theirs that scorned them so heavily.

Mittermeyer eventually arrived at what almost felt like home, his eyes still somewhat red and sore from the trip home. Evangeline had just recently started living with him, and as strange as it was to think about how much less time he had spent with her than Reuenthal, he still felt more comfortable here than he had been earlier.

The sort of apartment that he could afford to rent on the salary of a relatively junior officer was hardly luxurious, but it wasn’t that different from places that he had been in his childhood, even if his own parents had been comfortably middle-class. Evangeline was reading on the sofa in the main room, and she looked up from her tablet when she heard the door open and footsteps approach. When Mittermeyer first saw her, she was smiling, but that quickly faded once she saw him.

“I knew that you told me you’d be home late, but… You had a hard day at work, didn’t you?” Evangeline asked, not that it was a massive feat of perception. Wolfgang was always such a joyous person, it was worrying to see him return to her with anything but his warm, beaming smile.

It was the first and only time that he had been to see Reuenthal after work since she had moved to live with him. It was a risk that he shouldn’t take, but he couldn’t muster the will to refuse when Reuenthal asked if he wanted to spend time with him, even as it had been so fraught. Even if it was only going to make what was to happen now even harder.

He wracked his brain for a second to come up with an answer that wouldn’t reveal too much, even that simple a question was more than he really wanted… He longed to tell her everything, but he would be ruining both of his happinesses, and possibly ending his career completely, along with Reuenthal. He would almost still do it if it only imperiled himself, but he couldn’t do that to his “close friend”. The former lie tasted bitter in his mind, even if that was what they were now, it seemed, and even that was being generous.

“I shouldn’t be as worried as I am,” he said, which was at least true. “But I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I may lose a close friend of mine.” Hopefully that was ambiguous enough to avoid what he actually meant without sounding too much like a lie.

Evangeline was well and truly familiar with the sacrifices that the Fleet asked of far too many Imperial citizens, which included her father, but she didn’t have anything to add that wouldn’t seem callous to the man who actually had to worry about losing his friends. “I don’t think there’s anything that I can do to help you, but I can at least make you something to eat if you haven’t had dinner.”

She placed her tablet to the side and stood up, walking up to Wolfgang and pulling him close for a gentle but soothing embrace. “At least you won’t ever have to worry about losing me like that.”

In that moment, Mittermeyer started to feel a little better. Maybe he really could do this? Maybe Evangeline was a better match for him? He didn’t know anything about himself any more, but he at least knew what was happening and could take solace in the fact that he’d still managed to find himself what would be a happy life.

What would be a happy life, at least, once he could stop thinking about the man that he was leaving behind and just enjoy the simple reliability of being a skilled man in the fleet with a job that kept him comfortably safe behind a desk and a wife to greet him each day when he finished work.

The wedding was almost wonderful and with a sole exception, it was exactly what he had wanted since he was a boy. He had been bullied for being girlish when he was small, but he had thought that he had grown into a man who still held his heart close to his sleeve but had the fire and conviction to not let that weaken him.

Seeing Reuenthal at the reception made him realize that even if that was what he aspired to, it was not what he was today. The dark brown haired man was not that different from the outside, but Mittermeyer knew him well enough to know that there was none of the hidden fire that he had watched dwindle further and further since he had made the choice to choose his family’s wishes and Evangeline over whatever semblance of a life he could have shared covertly with the other man.

Stiff congratulations were received, and the other man handed over a gift as well. Mittermeyer immediately recognized it, and he had to struggle not to start tearing during his own reception. It was the bottle of scotch that he had given him for his birthday and that they had been saving for their next promotions, and it served as something of an official confirmation that the two of them were finished. At least knowing Reuenthal had helped him learn to be more adroit at hiding his feelings.

Thankfully, Evangeline was the only person there who seemed to notice that he was upset at all by anything, and he was able to brush it off well enough by just saying that he was emotional from the day. It wasn’t even a lie, it just failed to capture the enormity of what he was keeping hidden below the surface.

After that, the rest of the day went on as it was supposed to, and he was able to press the thoughts out of his mind well enough.

Mittermeyer managed to keep his thoughts pleasant as he enjoyed the first several days of his modest wedding leave, with the help of his parents he’d at least managed to rent a small cabin-like home near a small town well outside the major cities of Odin. At very least it gave him time alone with Evangeline to enjoy nothing but the happy married life that he had earned, stopping at a few little cafés in the town and going on walks and just relaxing together.

Once about half of the week had concluded, as the newlyweds were enjoying their breakfast, Mittermeyer saw a man shuffle in to a table just far enough from the two of them that he could watch the two of them without being too conspicuous. Even if he wasn’t in intelligence, he had enough of a sense of situational awareness to notice something like that.

Worse still, he knew exactly who it was that had found him on his leave from a glance at the other man’s silhouette.

He waited a moment, until after he placed his order for coffee, before excusing himself to go to the restroom, walking slightly out of the way to make sure that he passed by the other table on his way to the bathroom, and after waiting just long enough to not seem like he was following directly after him, the other man moved to follow him, both of them slipping into the same small restroom, Mittermeyer locking the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Mittermeyer tried to growl and whisper at the same time.

Reuenthal just smirked back at him in that terrible, enchanting way that he had when he knew that he was too clever for his own good. “Weren’t you the one who told me that you would always keep me close to your heart?”

“For once in your life could you please just take something involving another person seriously? I want to see you again, but… Later, and once I’m not… What exactly did you expect? How did you even find me?”

“You’ve been posting pictures with geolocation data. A somewhat motivated twelve year old could find what town you were in, and once I knew that… I came here, and then… Call it good luck.”

“So, you avoided even walking past me in a hallway for the last week I was at work after kicking me out and now you’re stalking me?” Mittermeyer asked, in a tone entirely unlike himself. He had been ignoring the pain as scrupulously as he could until now, but it was leaking out now.

Reuenthal was the one to break slightly at the reminder of how he had hurt Mittermeyer. “Wolfgang, I… I suppose that time helped me understand how much I… That’s the longest time that I haven’t seen you without vacuum between us. I just don’t know how to handle this. I do not wish to resent your happiness —”

Mittermeyer interrupted the other man, pulling him closer, staring right into his deep, gorgeous eyes. “I still want you to be a part of it, even if I’m not sure what that will look like. In a way, how much I care about you is why this is so hard. I really didn’t mean to put you both in a place where I had to break either your heart or Evangeline’s.”

“And I’m sorry I don’t know how to be a person who could be what you want. I suppose it is too late for me to say that I’ve finally realized just how much you really have always meant to me.”

“Don’t say things like that, you’ll get me all sentimental and then I’ll start crying properly and then I’ll have to explain that to Evangeline. It’s strange how despite everything you still can just make me forget my rational senses entirely… I think that means I’m still in love with you.”

Reuenthal blushed gently but paired it with a familiar biting smirk. “How do you say things like that? You sound like a character from one of those romances for young girls that you read.”

Mittermeyer turned bright red now. “Please… I have to get back to her, but… I don’t think I can long to be without your company for too long. I just… Don’t know exactly —”

“I want anything and everything from you, even if I am greedy at heart. As long as you’re involved, it will please me.”

Mittermeyer closed the small distance and pressed a firm, loving kiss, one that was reciprocated by the other man, even if he was not particularly skilled at it.

There were other things that he could say, but they would all embarrass him further, so instead he heads off back to the table, hoping that it hasn’t been too too long to where Evangeline was upset… but he knew that hope was in vain.

Evangeline was at least well-mannered enough to not voice her feelings while they were out, and the couple even made pleasant conversation through their breakfast. She wasn’t quite upset, yet, she was more confused than anything else, but that was something that she could handle in time.

Mittermeyer couldn’t help but notice as Reuenthal just left a little money on the table and went out, not even keeping to the pretense of any other reason for his presence.

Before long, Evangeline and Wolfgang Mittermeyer were back in the small cabin they had rented, and it didn’t take long before Evangeline wanted and needed to address what she had just seen. “What happened back in the cafe?”

“What do you mean?” Mittermeyer asked, poorly suited to lying even by omission.

“When you went to go to the bathroom, you were gone for a long time. When you left, I saw another man leaving with you.”

“I don’t know what you’re asking me. I’m not responsible for everyone around me.”

“Damn it Wolf, I… Look, I recognized Commander Reuenthal from the wedding, and I saw the two of you walking out of the bathroom. I know what I’d think happened if I saw you leaving a public bathroom with a woman, and… I don’t like that I have to consider this. Is that… what you are? Am I just here so people will stop asking hard questions about a desirable bachelor?”

“I love you, Evangeline. You should know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t be here with you as my wife if I didn’t.”

“You didn’t answer my first question.”

“Look, you’re too smart for me to… Yes, Oskar and I… have a history. Yes, I like men as well as women. No, it’s not as if we… did anything, I’m not going to be unfaithful to you on our honeymoon. We just had an argument because I didn’t want him to keep following me.”

“And are you going to be unfaithful to me after my honeymoon? I don’t know how to handle my new husband blatantly admitting that he’s…”

“A criminal, subject to dishonorable discharge from the fleet for his homosexual behavior?”

“You should know that I’m not going to report you. I’m not going to be so vindictive I let it end your career… and I care about you a lot. It’s just a big thing to take in. I knew they existed, but you’re…”

Mittermeyer interrupted again, the awkward pauses making him anxious. “Normal? Respectable?”

“You’re not normal, you’re the kindest man that I’ve ever known. I suppose… I don’t know anything about this, so… I want to learn. What was he to you?”

“He was my boyfriend. It wasn’t consistent because the fleet moved us both around so much, but we were together for three years on and off. I don’t know how much the fleet was just an excuse for him, though.”

Evangeline got quiet for a moment, just grasping at her own hands and trying to think through what was happening to her. What was happening to Wolf as well, she knew this had to hurt him as well. “Did you love him?”

He flushed red, blinking for a moment as he tried to figure out what he could say. “He had a very… troubled upbringing, as a child. He didn’t like words like that. But… Yes. Madly. More than I think he was comfortable with.”

“More than you love me?” Evangeline asked, knowing it was a selfish question, but she needed to know.

“I don’t believe in that question. I’ve been deeply in love with both of you, and I will just have to learn… How not to be in love with him any more.”

“Is it cruel of me to ask that of you?”

“Is it cruel of me to ask that of him? Would it have been cruel of me to ask that of you, if I had rejected your advances in favor of him?”

“Yes. Yes it is, and yes it would be.”

“I don’t know if I can change… I’m terrified by that. Even back there, at the cafe, I was so mad at him because he had been treating me awfully since we got engaged… And then when I was alone with him, I realized that I can’t…”

“Before I ask you to cut out any part of your heart that has touched him too closely… I would like to meet him properly and privately. I don’t know what I will say to yet, but I do not wish to hurt you like that.”

“Why, so he’ll blame you instead of me?”

“Because I don’t like the idea of hurting you or someone you care about so deeply. I don’t know if there even is a solution, but I want to find one.”