Chapter Text
’Sit down, be humble.’
Coloured lights silhouetted over Donghyuck’s eyes, stealing young adults’ shine transforming them into uniformed dancing shadows. His senses were foggy and his world wasn’t stable, yet the overpowering smell of sweat stung his nose. He couldn’t properly distinguish faces. He grabbed his red cup on the counter but wasn’t able to feel it until a few seconds. He pressed his fingers on it, but they didn’t move.
Ah, yes, they did. They only had some delay, nothing he couldn’t handle.
The low quality plastic crushed under his fist and he saw bronze liquid run on his skin and drip down on the floor. It felt icy.
Donghyuck realised his drink probably wasn’t that cold, that’s when he understood his skin was burning.
He saw more than he heard someone snapping their fingers in front of his eyes, interrupting his trance.
Oh. He couldn’t hear a thing.
The guy’s mouth moved in slow motion, but no sound came out of it.
Weird.
Donghyuck turned his head to the left and swept the room with his eyes, saving in his memory a crazy panorama of people slow dancing, almost melting with one another.
Another snap. This one resounded.
’SIT DOWN, BE HUMBLE.’
It all came back full force.
Suddenly, it all went too fast. The lights, the music, the dancing, the touching.
It was too much.
Donghyuck felt damp air forcing its way to his lungs with more difficulty than it should face. Cold drips of sweat ran down his neck, desperately trying to cool down his skin.
Oh god, his head.
“Wha' did ya say?”
“I said, you should come with us, Chenle is hosting this spitting contest on the first floor. In Seulgi’s bedroom. Or in her brother’s. I don' really know. Doesn’t matter, come with me!”
“Soun’s r’lly fun.” Jaemin’s yelling echoed in his head over and over again, bouncing against every single millimetre of his skull like a tennis ball. “R’lly, r’lly fun...” Donghyuck blinked and covered his eyes with his left hand for a minute. What was he doing again? Oh yes. “R’lly fun an’ all, you kno’ I love you, you r’lly do be knowin’ that right?” No, not at all what he wanted to say. Something about getting out, taking some fresh air, yes, something like that.
“Hyuckie!” Jaemin’s face brightened up and Donghyuck could see all his teeth. All of them. “I love you too, Hyuckie, you’re a brother to me you know that right?” So white, like white pearls. “You were always here for me during hard times and man, I love you so much.” It’s funny, because they looked like they produced light. Which is dumb. Teeth couldn’t produce light, they were like the moon, not what they look like on the outside. “You mean so much to me, you’re the best.” If teeth are like the moon, could it be that, like the moon, light comes from somewhere else? So that would mean... the light comes from... Jaemin himself? It comes from his soul and goes out by his mouth! Yes! And that’s how it makes his teeth so white! Why didn’t he think of that sooner? That was so easy. Maybe he shouldn’t drink that much next time.
“Jaemin, man, you’re just... you’re shining, man. You’re so bright and your light makes me warm because it’s white and it’s almost like you came to cleanse and save me and even if you’re a twat sometimes it’s al’ight, because you’re white even when it’s dark and I think that’s so cool.”
“Donghyuck...” Jaemin looked at him with an indescribable expression in his eyes, and next thing he knew, he was against a very warm chest with arms firmly locking him in place, preventing him from falling down. “That’s the most beautiful thing someone has ever said to me.”
Donghyuck closed his eyes and a satisfied smile grew on his face. Lazily, he tapped his hands on Jaemin’s back, to comfort him and his sudden rush of emotions.
“If you keep cryin’ like tha’, man I ain’t telling you shit anymore.”
“Low blow, Lee Donghyuck.”
Temperature dropped a few degrees and that’s what told him he got freed of the unexpected hug. He grabbed the hem of Jaemin’s shirt, letting himself be led through the excited crowd of people he barely knew. He felt hot sticky bodies touching him, strangers grabbing his thighs, brush his arms or touch his back. That was good. He hated it, but it helped him forget the ghostly touch over his skin. Arms around his shoulders, excited taps on his thighs, angry pushes and comforting hugs. He needed to forget it all.
They were about to climb the stairs, away from the living room’s effervescence, when something stopped him. Donghyuck tried to go forward, but something was holding him back.
What the...?
Oh. A hand. Right.
“What are you doing?” When Jaemin tried to escape and climb the stairs, without letting Donghyuck go, Jeno added: “The two of you.” Which was more than enough to make Jaemin stop dead in his tracks.
“Actuallyyy, you see, Jeno dear, I was just showing-”
“No, you shut up. I don’t want to hear you.”
Donghyuck vaguely heard Jaemin mumble something that suspiciously sounded like “If that’s how it’s going to be” and “Bro’s thinking he’s my stepdude.”
“I jus’… ya kno’…, Jaemin talked about this. Anyway, Chenle is hosting a kitchen contest or dancing, I can’t remember, but it does sounds really fun, trust me, ya should join!” Donghyuck grabbed Jeno’s biceps and squished them hard. “Big big muscles ya’ know? Like, could be useful um, especially for like, cutting stuff and like preparing meat and everything.” Donghyuck’s gleefulness slowly escaped his body when he met Jeno’s eyes. His smile disappeared and his eyes locked on the floor. He knew that look, and he couldn’t handle it right now.
He played with his feet, solely looking at the ground while Jaemin was being scolded in the background. Something about “responsibilities” and “I can’t babysit you”, “you need to grow up”. The same old song.
But Jeno was never mad at Donghyuck. Nor angry. Never.
He was just disappointed.
Which somehow stung a lot more.
Jeno placed a steady arm on his shoulders and turned him around, towards the house’s backdoor. “Come on, Hyuck, let’s get you some fresh air.”
Donghyuck wriggled in his hold, just enough to be able to wave goodbye to a very sad looking Jaemin, who sat down on the steps. He got a half smile and a small wave back, but Donghyuck knew it was the end of the night for his friend.
Uneasiness bubbled in his chest and he pushed Jeno aside, but not enough to make him loosen his grip.
“Why do you always have to ruin everything and be such a downer.”
That was uncalled for, Donghyuck knew it and already felt guilty. But he was angry. He wanted... he wanted... he wasn’t really sure of what he wanted, but it certainly wasn’t an after party in Seulgi’s backyard with Lee Jeno of all people.
“Always here to kill the fun aren’t you, Jen.”
Fresh air hugged his face like a blessing and Donghyuck let out a sigh of relief while he felt like his lungs cleared out. Ok, maybe that’s what he wanted.
“I think you meant that I’m always here to save your ass.”
Donghyuck found some pleasure in letting himself be guided by his friend. He didn’t really feel pampered, but rather, taken care of.
It was nice.
“Save me from what? The big angry bad wolf?”
Jeno’s annoyed silence made it very clear that the discussion was over. Donghyuck rolled his eyes and hugged Jeno’s right arm, while his friend managed to get him to sit down on the grass of the backyard. They sat next to each other in silence, knees touching, Donghyuck still tightly hooked to Jeno’s arm, with his head lazily resting on his reliable shoulder. They had done this hundreds of times, maybe thousands, but each time felt special. Donghyuck would never get enough of it, and never wanted these moments to end. Jeno’s perfume was one of the best in the whole world -according to Donghyuck. It was an oxymoron, just like his owner. Aggressive and sweet at the same time, strong and fleeting.
Donghyuck wanted to stay like this forever.
“Stop talking about my ass, Jeno, you know it makes me uncomfortable.”
Jeno chuckled lightly and broke the peaceful silence. The night was quite bright, but the stars were still visible. The fresh air already dried Donghyuck’s skin which was closer to shivering than reddening.
He was so tired.
So tired.
“There’s no big bad wolf, Jen.”
Jeno enveloped his friend in his own jacket, too big on the shoulders for Donghyuck, and side hugged him tightly, putting his head on Donghyuck’s which was already resting on his shoulder. They felt safe, huddled like this. They knew it was only an illusion, but it was comforting to believe in wonders for a few minutes or hours of bliss and peace.
“Save me from what, Jeno?” whispered Donghyuck.
Donghyuck heard Jeno swallow heavily and shyly played with his bitten nails. He had an idea of what the answer might be, and he won’t like it, but he wanted to hear it from Jeno’s mouth. He needed it, he would insist again and again if that’s what he’ll have to do.
“I don’t know. From yourself, I guess.” Jeno took a deep breath. “It’s been hard. For everyone lately, but especially for you. Everything that has happened... It was so hard to take in, and I was afraid I was... I was afraid I was going to...” lose you.
Donghyuck closed his eyes when he felt tears stinging them. He didn’t want to think about all of that, but sadly he could remember everything vividly, his brain making sure, every single night, that he wouldn’t forget it. Lucky me.
“I care about you, Donghyuck. I do.” I love you.
With the unspoken words hanging in the air, Donghyuck found it even harder to not break down in a sob. If he didn’t feel like utter shit, he would have laughed at the irony of the situation, a parody of his conversation with Jaemin a few minutes earlier, yet they were nothing alike. Jeno’s fragile voice broke Donghyuck’s heart. He was being so selfish, and Jeno was always here to pick up the pieces. He knew he shouldn’t put so much on his friend’s shoulder, but everything was just so hard. They had each other’s back, and that’s what mattered. Donghyuck would go into the deepest pits of hell to help Jeno, it wasn’t an obligation or a debt he had to pay, that’s what he felt from the bottom of his heart and he meant it. But that’s why it was so scary, loving someone so much was scary, it means he could lose everything again, in a blink of an eye.
“You should stop drinking so much. It worries me, you’re hurting yourself. On purpose. Everyone might be blind or might willingly look away, but I can see what you’re doing, Hyuck. This has to stop. I’m... I’m scared. Sometimes you only need a little glass of water and some fresh air, sometimes I need to help you vomit, others I need to slap you to bring you back to me. I feel like you’re playing the Russian roulette, and I’m playing too, but not by choice. In what state am I going to find you next time? Stop doing this to yourself.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know that.” sighed Jeno.
Unwavering support.
“Jeno. That bush is shining.” Jeno lifted his head and shook it in disbelief, the cute smile Donghyuck craved so much slowly appearing before his eyes.
“It’s not the bush, you stupid. It’s fireflies.” Donghyuck watched his friend’s face in awe. He was still intoxicated, and it made him more emotional, but Jeno also had that effect on him. His friend kept watching the fireflies with interest, having no clue of Donghyuck’s gaze on him. Donghyuck felt like crying when he saw this sparkle he loved so much in his friend’s eyes. Every time he looked at it, he felt like he was one inch away from his friend’s pure soul.
“It’s not the bush, indeed.”
.
“Stay here for a minute, I’m going to grab something to eat and some fresh water to clear up your mind a little bit.”
“Oh no, really you don’t have to, I’m alright.”
“Be right back, it’ll just take a sec’.”
With a soft smile, Donghyuck watched his friend go back in the house. He tightened the vest around his shoulders and took a moment to look at the other people present in the backyard. Of course: the stoners. They all mostly smoked inside anyway, but there’s always one group of skyrocketing Nobel prizes who thinks it’s a brilliant idea -usually around the middle of the night- to go outside and trip while looking at the stars.
Donghyuck did it. Once or twice. Or maybe more than that, and although he could admit it was pretty nice, he always ended up with ants and gross insects crawling up inside his clothes and this wasn’t just a major inconvenience, this was enough to put a stop to all of this. Maybe Jeno talking him out of it had something to do with it as well. Maybe.
The group looked like they were having fun, they really did.
Donghyuck felt a pang at his heart as he watched them. They all seemed to be good friends, careless and happy, as they should be. He remembered these summer nights, when all the six of them would run upon the hill, a subtle scent of grass emanating from the ground, leaving their heads fresh and light. They would eat together, listen to music together, play together, lay down and look at the ink coloured sky, talking all night long about stupid things and about their deepest secrets and insecurities. It felt like they had built something that couldn’t be broken up. They were a teenage cliché: them against the rest of the world. It was supposed to stay like that forever.
It hurt too much, and the temptation of joining them in their activity became too strong, he quickly looked away.
Some dude was throwing up in the sunflowers Seulgi planted. Ouch.
Many were just out for a few minutes, just enough to smoke their cigarettes and then would go back inside. Overall, the garden was almost deserted.
Two girls were dipping their feet in the tiny pond, just before the fence. Their backs were facing him and they were completely silent. It looked nice. He was less likely to join to drug party if he was surrounded by people.
Donghyuck stood up and joined them.
Why did he feel so tired all of a sudden?
“I’m not interrupting something, I hope?” A small bit of comfort embraced him when he recognised his two friends.
“Nah, come with us,” answered Yeri with one of her kind smiles.
While he took off his shoes, Donghyuck secretly wished he had the same ability to comfort and reassure people around him. He wished he would be gifted with some kind of amazing perception that could warn him when something is wrong, when someone feels bad. Maybe it could have prevented what happened.
The water was cold, but it felt nice. By washing his feet, he felt like he was cleaning his soul as well, and he really needed that. He moved his feet gently, drawing some abstract forms in the water, and leaned back on his arms, hands in the dirt, his eyes fixed on the stars.
“It’s been a while since we last spoke,” said Yeri quietly.
Donghyuck didn’t answer for a while, but the silence wasn’t tense, it was nice. He took a quick look at his friends’ faces and smiled a bit. He missed them. It was his fault they didn’t get to see each other for so long, he isolated himself because of how bad he felt and didn’t even take time to check on them. He felt embarrassed and slightly guilty at the thought.
“How is your music project doing?”
“Good! Actually, Wendy and I have been working on this mini album and it’s almost ready.”
“That’s so nice to hear. I’m glad for you guys.”
“Yes, I think we needed… we needed a way to cope and channelling our feelings into music felt like the best way to do it,” said Yeri.
Donghyuck started chewing on his lip. They were getting on a sliding slope.
“So many people are here tonight, that’s nice. It feels like people really needed something to forget what happened, or to heal, or maybe both. Many didn’t even know him, but it was a bit of a shock for everyone.”
“That’s true. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise, you don’t have to apologise for anything, Hyuck,” said Wendy.
“Do I?” Donghyuck angrily looked at her in the eyes. His breathing instantly sped up and his fists were clenching nervously, grabbing the dirt and plucking the grass. He wasn’t angry at her, he was angry at himself, but being hostile was so much easier and safer than showing vulnerability. If he showed vulnerability now, he would never get back up. “Tell that to Renjun.”
As soon as the name passed his lips, Donghyuck felt like his breathing stopped. The nice atmosphere turned into a stone cold one, a heavy silence fell between them, uneasiness clearly visible on the girls’ faces. Tears filled his eyes and Donghyuck had absolutely no control over it, just like last time.
“Donghyuck, calm down, you’re hyperventilating.”
“Yes, well, this was really nice seeing you, see you in class girls.”
“Hyuck wait-”
He didn’t wait.
As a matter of fact, he got up and he jumped over the backyard’s fence. His bare feet opened and bled because of the tiny branches on his route as he walked faster and faster, deeper into the forest. He clenched his hand around his chest, an unspeakable pain taking him by surprise until he broke into a single but devastating sob.
He ran.
He ran until his lungs burnt, until his muscles screamed in protest.
It was painful. He wasn’t in shape at all, several months of depression did wonders on his body. Black spots danced in his visions, his head was about to explode, but he deserved it. He deserved it all.
That was the first time he said his name since it happened.
He collapsed on the ground and cowered, screaming as loud as he could manage, his voice ripping his own throat.
He calmed down his erratic breathing and took his head in his hands. Saying his name out loud felt like a dozen razor blades were cutting him from inside. It almost felt surreal, like a moment frozen in time. He never thought that a day would come where he would say that name again.
“This is fucked up...” he whimpered.
He needed to get back to Jeno. He needed his friends. His outburst made him feel light-headed but it helped to make him feel better. He looked at his dirty hands and bloody feet and got back up, feeling a bit dizzy again. Clearly the alcohol hadn't worn off yet and it didn’t mix well with a lack of oxygen.
“Ah fuck...” he railed at nothing when he saw the hole in his shirt and the few drops of blood staining it.
He took a quick look at the injury. It wasn’t serious, he probably just hit something a little hard while running or when he fell, but it ruined his shirt.
“What a great fucking night.”
He poked at his injury and clenched his teeth from pain. This definitely needed some treatment. Donghyuck closed his eyes and took some time to even out his breathing. With a wicked satisfaction, he hoped that his injury was caused by his bad karma. All the shit constantly happening to him, he preferred to think of it as a punishment for all his bad actions that led to this situation. This train of thought was the only way he could still live with himself.
He was about to head back to Seulgi’s house when he heard something move behind him.
Donghyuck wasn’t scared. He nearly grew up in these woods.
That’s why he knew there were animals in there. Small animals. Deadly insects. Big animals.
Ok maybe he was a little scared.
He paid more attention but the only thing he could distinguish was the soft sound of cicadas. With his feet still wet, he suddenly became aware of the cold again. He wrapped his arms around his own torso in hope of getting engulfed by Jeno’s jacket, while he walked faster and faster.
“I hate when this kind of shit happens, this is what you get from running in the woods. You’re so stupid I hope the mosquitoes are feasting that would teach you a lesson you dumbass-”
He stopped.
Not because he fell, not because he was eaten by an animal.
He stopped because a man was standing right in front of him, blocking the way.
“Where the fuck do you come from!” sighed Donghyuck in relief, “man I thought I was chased by some animal or something, scared the shit out of me.”
Donghyuck laughed a bit, the fear wearing off. The man was about his age, he was probably one of Seulgi’s friends, which meant he had almost arrived back at the house. He had black hair and fair skin. Really fair skin, he looked like he came straight out of an advertisement for injections, but maybe it was just an effect produced by the contrast with his dark hair. He had big eyes, double eyelids, a trumpet nose and impeccable eyebrows. He didn’t move at all and disturbingly looked like a wax statue, but Donghyuck had to admit, the man was handsome.
“Are you a friend of Seulgi’s?”
No response. Great.
He just kept staring at him without moving an inch and Donghyuck began to think that facing a bear was a slightly more attractive idea.
“You look like you’re about to shit yourself.”
No reaction.
The man had his jaw tightly clenched, Donghyuck could see all the strained muscles on his neck, and at this point the man looked so tense that Donghyuck wasn’t even sure he was breathing.
“Alright creep...” he mumbled as he moved aside and started walking again.
He walked as fast as he could without looking too suspicious, continued like that for a few seconds until he finally gathered enough courage to look behind him.
No one.
He relaxed, smiled a bit and got ready to walk again, but when he turned back his head to the front, the man was back in front of him.
He really did come out of nowhere.
Donghyuck knew he still had some alcohol in his blood, he also knew it wasn’t the best night of his life, and maybe he even breathed some Mary Jane back in the house, but this was real, he already saw it before. It was happening all over again, and there was absolutely no logical explanation to this.
His insides were in turmoil as a few drops of cold sweat ran down his neck. He knew he should run and never turn back but he was petrified.
He couldn’t only blame the murdering gaze he got from the man standing so close to his face, he was petrified because he was in front of the proof that one of his most dreadful fears may be true. That what he saw, six months ago wasn’t an hallucination.
That thought was terrifying.
Donghyuck knew what these things could do, so why wasn’t he dead yet?
The man’s eyes turned red and his pupil got darker.
Donghyuck stopped breathing.
He was afraid that if he moved a single muscle, it would be the end of him.
“You’re bleeding.” the man stated, looking down at Donghyuck’s belly.
Donghyuck felt like crying when he realised that the small wound from earlier was bleeding profusely and that half of his shirt was coloured in a deep crimson red.
He looked back at the man’s eyes which were still fixed on his belly.
“No shit Sherlock.”
Shut up Donghyuck.
His trembling whisper wasn’t loud, but Donghyuck was absolutely sure the man heard it, he had the confirmation when he saw a dark flash pass in his eyes and when his right hand clenched in a ghostly fist.
Donghyuck’s body started trembling as well, and much to his terror, the black haired man got down on his knees, his face on the exact same level as his open wound. Donghyuck watched, absolutely terrified, while the man got closer, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and whatever he smelled was strong enough to give him small spasms. He opened his mouth and let out a small moan, when he was about to wet his lips with the liquid, Donghyuck broke into a strangled sob he couldn’t hold back anymore.
Maybe that’s what saved him.
The man quickly put a firm hand on his own mouth and stopped breathing, or at least Donghyuck couldn’t hear his breathing anymore. He stood up straight again and his eyes were even darker than before, but Donghyuck was still breathing and alive.
“How did this happen?”
“I must have cut myself with a piece of wood while I was running.”
“You should be more careful.”
“I know, I looked like a Greek god in that shirt, now it’s a rag.”
Shut the fuck up Donghyuck.
The man made a move, as if he tried to go forward but somehow changed his plans at the last second. His hands were twitching, his jaw looked like it was about to break and he breathed out loudly. He opened his mouth a few times, but nothing came out.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
It wasn’t louder than a whisper, but Donghyuck still caught it, by some miracle. Thoughts were running wildly in his blurred mind, he couldn’t focus on a single one of them, panic overpowering his body in a way he never experienced before.
“Then don’t.”
A tear fell down Donghyuck’s cheek, and the next second, the man was gone.