Work Text:
It all starts when the first jab is thrown, followed by a series of unwanted arguments and uncalled for insults that have Jaemin wondering: how did all this come to be?; How did he and Jeno come to be like this?:
"God, you're not even listening to me anymore!" Jaemin is exasperated and is very well hanging on his last string of patience tonight—threatening to snap at any given moment. How long has it been since he last shared a laugh with the boy, sitting across from him at the dining table in their dormitory? Jaemin honestly can't remember.
"You know what, Jaemin? I've had it with you and your sad excuses. What more can I hear from you that I haven't already heard before?" Jeno asks, tired, and worn out from having argued with Jaemin since the moment they had arrived at their dorm after a busy day of never-ending schedules.
"I told you! It's not my fault, alright?! Why're you always blaming me for everything?!" Jaemin sputters, and he's certain, by the scowl on Jeno's face, they're both thinking the same thing: why do I even put up with this guy?
They're tired and worn out due to schedules, but stubbornly, Jaemin doesn't want to blame the anger and frustration he feels towards Jeno on his work. It's like taking something he loves and associating it with something he loathes. And boy does Jaemin vehemently loathe Jeno at this very moment.
"I'm sorry, did I blame you for something?" there's a sarcastic ring to Jeno's tone, and he's leaning back into his chair with an apathetic look on his face. "And would you quit raising your voice? There are other people in this dorm besides us, Jaemin."
That is so like him. That is so fucking like him to play the 'bigger-person' role. Jaemin's shifting in his seat, itching to jump across the table and strangle the calm tone out of Jeno, but debatably he doesn't. Instead, he opts to tuck his hands beneath his thighs and keep them there, because lord knows Jaemin wants nothing more than to do just that.
Even though he's all for defying Jeno and his rational wishes, Jaemin subconsciously tones it down a notch, speaking in a quieter register, that he finds is still capable of suffocating Jeno with. "Really? So when you were talking about 'someone' not putting enough effort into today's practice, that wasn't you indirectly insulting me and my work ethic?"
"What makes you so sure I was referring to you? Are you seriously that insecure about yourself?" Jeno scoffs, folding his arms over his chest with an ugly smirk playing on his lips (okay, maybe only ugly to Jaemin). "Or maybe—maybe I'm not the only one finding the flaws in your movements. You see it too, don't you?"
Jaemin angrily exhales through his nose. He is this close—this. fucking. close.—to taking his chopsticks and gladly sticking them into the sockets of Jeno's eyes. Ah, what a pleasure that would be (don't get him wrong. He's never usually this violent, he swears. Jeno just fuels something in him. Hatred, maybe? Abso-fucking-lutley).
"Fuck you, Jeno, honestly. Like you're any better. You're not. Even you make mistakes, but because it's you it's fine, right?—Oh no, Jeno's made a mistake!—ah, let's fucking praise for doing jack shit—but wait, Jaemin's made a mistake too—huh?! What's wrong with him? Why can't he be more like Jeno?" He pauses and takes a deep breath before he's off at it again, "Fuck, do you have any idea what it's like being compared to you? A fucking nightmare. I hate it—I hate you."
Something in Jeno's eyes flashes, and he's sitting up in his chair with his jaw clenched tight, and Jaemin can very well see the flexed muscle of his jaw protruding. He leans onto the table with a stare that Jaemin doesn't want to admit is uncannily intimidating. Jaemin doesn't recall a time he's ever seen Jeno pulling an expression like this. It almost makes him want to run away and hide inside his and Jisung's shared room, but he keeps his ground.
"Brat," Jeno mumbles, and Jaemin finds it within himself to say something back. Although he should've just kept his mouth shut altogether because now Jeno has murder written all over his face, and his target of choosing? That's right. Jaemin considers: now is a good time to run.
And he does just that.
He's stumbling into Renjun's room by the time he realizes that no additional steps are tailing after his own, and Jaemin wonders if Jeno was giving him a head start. Pfft. He could outrun Jeno any day. That fucker dares underestimate him and his stamina?
Jaemin's one foot out the door, ready to size Jeno up when he sees Jeno's figure loom into the opening of the dark hallway. Jaemin's caught frozen on the spot as he watches Jeno walk painstakingly slow towards him, like a predator to its prey.
But what happens is something Jaemin least expects to happen. Jeno had walked past him without sparing a single glance his way. And Jaemin, visibly shocked at the choice of action, allows his eyes to follow after Jeno's retreating figure that eventually disappears into his room with a soft click of a door.
Jaemin's just kind of standing there now, staring blankly at the door, he had expected to blow up into a million pieces from a harsh slam, but no. All it was was a soft click, and for some reason, Jaemin isn't satisfied with that.
He stalks down the hall towards Jeno's door with his chest puffed and his mind obviously not in the right place. If it were someone else standing on the other end of Jeno's raging wrath, they'd at least have the decency of mind to know that what Jaemin is about to do is undoubtedly stupid.
Bang!
Jeno sits stunned on his bed as he watches Jaemin saunter into his room without permission. It's bad enough Jaemin didn't knock like he should've, but locking the door behind him? That's a little suspicious.
Jaemin can see from the corner of his eyes that Jeno is staring him down, and if it makes him feel a bit squeamish and all-around nervous, he doesn't show it. Instead, he turns his back to the door and leans against it with his arms folding in an attempt to look intimidating. But the groan and frustrated huff Jeno lets out tells him that Jeno's far from feeling intimidated. He's annoyed and beyond pissed.
"What do you want, Jaemin?"
"I want you to apologize."
Jeno forces out a laugh and gives Jaemin the bird. In which Jaemin's natural response is to send a kiss his way without much thought. Though, when Jeno receives it, and his reaction is close to one of a kill warning, Jaemin kisses his teeth and nibbles on the dead skin of his lips.
Now that he's thinking it through, Jaemin has no fucking clue why he thought it'd be a good idea to come over here in the first place. Blinded by anger and pride, probably.
"Look... I'm tired. You're tired. Can't we just drop this and call it a night?" Jeno mumbles into his hands as he rubs his face out of fatigue.
Jaemin doesn't like the lack of attention he's receiving from Jeno, nor does he like Jeno dismissing him when it's clear that they're both at odds with each other. If there's one thing Jaemin hates more than anything, it's going to bed mad at the person sleeping in the next room from his. And he's had enough of spending his nights this way. He wants to deal with it properly this time. And if that means he has to be the first one to apologize, then so be it.
"I'm..." he falters to a stop. It's harder to say aloud now that he's trying to verbally eject the words from his mouth.
Jeno seems to be even more bothered now that Jaemin is choking up on his words. So, naturally, he makes himself comfortable in his bed and faces the wall. Whatever Jaemin has to say, Jeno obviously doesn't want to hear it. Simple as that.
But he forgets nothing is ever that simple when it comes to Jaemin. And he's reminded of this whenever Jaemin decides to sit at the foot of his bed. Even Jaemin can see how tempted Jeno is to kick him off his bed, but he doesn't do it, so Jaemin thinks he's fine where he's at.
Jaemin thinks a lot of things. Sometimes things that are far from the truth. An intuition he assumes he has, but clearly doesn't.
"Just go away, Jaemin. Let me sleep in peace."
Jaemin does no such thing. He stays. In fact, he makes a bold move to yank Jeno's comforter away from him and bundles it up in his arms to keep Jeno from snatching it back. Regardless, he'd lose, considering Jeno's grip and death stare is no joke in the eyes of Na Jaemin.
"I really want to talk this out with you, Jeno," he reveals, nudging Jeno to sit up as he shifts himself further onto the bed to where his legs are no longer dangling from the side. "Why am I always in the limelight of your judgment? You have all these expectations laid out for me that you expect me to fulfill, and when I do, you never have anything nice to say for it." He's going all-in, allowing his defenses to shut down and leave him vulnerable in the hands of Jeno.
Jaemin doesn't get anything back from the other, and because he's got all night, he doesn't mind the silence between him and Jeno. For once, Jaemin thinks it's nicer this way; to allow the words to seep into his own mind before letting it slip between the seams of his lips, cutting the thread of silence that's been slowly wrapping itself around them by the yawning second.
"I'm sorry," he speaks in a hushed tone, "I don't know why I'm always messing up on the choreos. It must be really frustrating for you and the guys; having to stay and practice longer because I can never get it right the first time."
Jeno finally makes a move to sit up, and it's like Jaemin can feel just how intense the atmosphere between them had shifted.
"It just sucks, you know? Getting compared to and being told that I don't work hard enough when I'm putting in my full hundred percent..."
"Jaemin."
"But I try my best. I really do." Jaemin looks past the blur in his eyes and swallows around the burning lump in his throat. "I never want to disappoint anyone or make any mistakes, but it can't be helped, right? I guess that's all I'm good for. But you...you're the best at everything—a king of all trades...and, yeah, maybe I’m a little jealous of that."
Jeno flicks Jaemin's forehead without a drop of remorse, eliciting a small 'ow' from Jaemin before he stops talking overall. "You really like to focus on yourself, don't you?"
Jaemin frowns. He had just allowed himself to crumble and store some of his deepest troubles and thoughts into Jeno, and this is what gets in return: an accusation of inconsideration? Jaemin can't fight the tears that slip from the slits of his eyes when he closes them to take a frustrated breath in.
He should've known it would be difficult to have a proper conversation with Jeno. But Jaemin doesn't move from his place, and Jeno doesn't take his eyes off of him either. So he also knows that it's not impossible.
"Jaemin...you do realize that you're not the only one getting called out on when it comes to practice, right?" Jeno asks, sounding genuinely concerned as if he'd never thought Jaemin's head was actually clustered with waking insecurities. Even if he's used it to insult Jaemin during their fights, he never actually means it.
Jaemin shrugs in response, his gaze cast down, and his fingers fumble together. He hadn't noticed. He felt like he was the only one getting called out on.
Jeno runs his hands through his hair and rests them at the nape of his neck, staring at Jaemin with the slightest hint of frustration twinkling in his eyes and a frown mirroring his own. "You're a good dancer, Jaemin—a great one. How do you even think you got to where you're at in the first place?"
That's a question Jaemin can answer in a heartbeat. "Because of my looks."
Jeno snorts. It's silly, but he's not lying. Jaemin is good looking, even Jeno can't deny that, and it adds fuel to the fire. Jaemin's lying in the center of it all, and he can't find a way out. But Jeno wants to help. He wants to rescue Jaemin and save him from his own self-doubt. He'll jump into the fire if he has to.
"You're not wrong...but you're also not right." Jaemin watches as Jeno tries to piece together the right words to say that would save him from hurting his feelings. "I mean, you're stubborn, sure, but that's just you. And you've got this annoying competitive side that prevents you from taking any pointers into consideration—"
"What the fuck, Jeno?" Jaemin jabs a punch to his arm, and Jeno retaliates in an instant.
"You never let me finish," Jeno says while rubbing his bicep, where the impact of Jaemin's fist had left a growing pain to resonate. "I know we say a lot of things we don't mean to each other in the heat of the moment, but you know,"—Jeno shrugs and flails his hands around as if he's trying to reach for his words—"it's nothing we can't handle. Sticks and stones, remember?"
Jaemin gives Jeno a look of disbelief. Obviously, they don't share a lot of the same view on things. Who said words couldn't inflict the same—if not even worse—pain received from sticks and stones? It's complete bull, insensitive even.
"I don't know about you, Jeno...but the things you say really fucking hurt." It comes as a shock to Jeno, and Jaemin can't help but roll his eyes at him. Guess he's not the only inconsiderate one here.
"I...I didn't think—"
"Yeah," Jaemin interrupts, followed by an awkward silence. This was the result of months worth of miscommunication, and suddenly Jaemin realizes that they've never sat down and talked like this before. It's nice, he thinks.
The longer he stays, the less he feels pressure in his chest. A weight he never noticed he was carrying, finally being lifted off of his shoulders, and he can almost cry from the relief of it all.
"I'm sorry...I never realized how sensitive you were. You always seemed unbothered, honestly," Jeno muses. And Jaemin wonders if Jeno realizes the backhanded compliments he's giving him, but doesn't brush on the subject; he'll take it as unintentional. Instead, he decides to make himself comfortable on Jeno's bed, seeing as they both seem to have a lot on their mind as of the moment.
Jeno isn't bothered when Jaemin's squeezing himself between him and the wall that his bed is pushed up against. To Jaemin's surprise, Jeno actually makes room and welcomes him under the extra sheet of cloth that separated his body from his comforter.
"Are you still mad at me?" Jaemin asks when they are settled, buried under the comforter Jaemin had finally given up without a fight, and away from the conditioned air of Jeno's room. It's warm where he lays, their bodies are a good distance apart, but their knees touch.
"Just a little," Jeno responds, to which Jaemin is struck with a sense of urgency to have it not be the case—something he hasn't felt in a long time. "Do you really hate me?"
Jaemin sucks in a breath and searches Jeno's eyes for something he isn't sure of. He finds hurt, concern, and hope held within them, and his fingers itch to wipe away the crease between Jeno's brows.
"I don't," he breathes, and it looks like Jeno finally does as well. He offers a small smile that has the corner of Jeno's lip tugging upwards. "I say it a lot, don't I?"
Jeno nods and lays a hand in the space that separates them, and Jaemin takes it as a sign to place his own hand in his. Jeno holds Jaemin's hand as if it were something he never wanted to let go of. Jaemin knows he, himself, doesn't want to let go. If he could, he'd want to stay in this moment forever.
"Do you believe it?" Jaemin asks, genuinely wanting to know whether Jeno goes about his day believing Jaemin hated him with every fiber in his body from the number of times he’s told him so. However, he doesn't receive a verbal response to his question. The silence and inconsistent gaze of Jeno's eyes are what says it all. "I don't," he repeats, "I don't actually hate you, Jeno."
"I know that...now," Jeno mumbles, squeezing Jaemin's hand for reassurance. "I'm sorry I'm so harsh on you all the time."
Jaemin finds it funny. He wants to count how many times Jeno’s going to apologize to him tonight. He plans on saying it at least ten times, he decides, but he's curious as to what Jeno's apology agenda is.
"I'm sorry too."
Jeno smiles, but he's groaning shortly after. "All this in one night..." Jeno turns his face away from Jaemin and gives him the side-eye with a playful look of a grimace. "It's embarrassing."
Jaemin laughs and shuffles a little closer to Jeno's side, burying his face in the space between Jeno's neck and shoulder. "Live with it."
"I already am."
The joke reaches Jaemin's comprehension only after a few seconds it had been said. And when it finally clicks in his head—that he is the embarrassment Jeno is referring to—Jaemin doesn't hesitate to jeer his finger into Jeno's side. Jeno laughs as he tries to stop Jaemin from poking into his sides any more than he already has. He catches Jaemin's hands in his and holds them to his chest.
"Please, that's enough. My sides hurt," he whines, and Jaemin can only do the next mature thing he can think of; he sticks his tongue out at Jeno.
"God, you're annoying."
Jaemin only smiles at that. "I don't believe you anymore." And it's the truth. Whatever fancy word Jeno chooses to use against him in the future, he won't believe it because it isn't true. Jeno had said it himself—he never meant any of the bad things he's said to him before—and Jaemin knows this now.
"Good," Jeno hums, lips feathering against Jaemin's forehead, igniting a cozy fire to resonate in Jaemin's chest that sends heat rushing up to the apples of his cheeks.
"Jeno..."
"Hm?"
Jaemin doesn't get around to saying what he wants because the moment he opens his mouth, he's yawning, and Jeno finds it endearing how Jaemin stretches out like a cat when he does so. His head numbs a bit, and his eyes water as the air in his lungs squeezes out with low pressure. It's contagious that Jeno can't help if he yawns the same.
Sleep seems to fall upon them after the following minutes of silence, but it's Jaemin who forces himself to stay awake. He's staring up and Jeno as he listens to his suffocating breathing pattern. It's weird how Jaemin copies it, breathing in with Jeno and holding his breath before exhaling because of Jeno's delay in rhythm. Jaemin wonders how long Jeno can hold his breath in his sleep but continues to mirror the pattern nonetheless.
He likes it. He likes being like this...with Jeno. Maybe he's forgotten how comfortable it used to be when it was just the two of them alone without the hostile behavior. Their trainee days had really shown up for it. Jaemin doesn't remember a day when Jeno wasn't by his side, going through the motions, the ups, and the downs. It makes him realize just how much he really appreciates the boy lying dead asleep beside him, and maybe he holds onto Jeno a little tighter because of it.
When have his nights ever felt this calm? Jaemin can't remember, but he relishes in the feeling as best as he can before he succumbs to the grasps of sleep.
Together, with my hand in yours, let's take our time walking down this unpredictable path to success. Together.