Chapter Text
···
Something Blue
Part 1
°•.•°
"Thomas. I've been looking for you. We were supposed to meet in the conference room ten minutes ago," Harvey declared from the doorjamb of Louis' office, trying to keep his annoyance in check.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'll be right there. But Harvey? I thought I was meeting Alex?"
"Yeah, he had a family emergency and asked me to fill in."
Harvey turned around and walked away, only catching the tail-end of Kessler's animated conversation with Louis and wondering what the hell it could be about that the always punctual Thomas Kessler was late to his own meeting.
A few minutes later, Thomas breezed into Conference Room C and it was clear there was something off about him. The man seemed lighter. Happy. Unlike the mood Harvey was nourishing, because he was already running late for his next appointment due to his current client's tardiness and the shitload of work waiting for him in his office. His attitude certainly had nothing to do with the fact Donna had been on vacation for the past two weeks—with Kessler—and was still nowhere to be seen even though she was supposed to come in this morning.
"Great. You're here," he uttered, unable to suppress the sarcasm bleeding from the statement as Thomas unbuttoned his suit jacket and took a seat opposite him. "We need to discuss the—" For whatever reason, Harvey glanced at how Kessler interlocked his fingers and the man might as well have swung a baseball bat straight into his chest, because the wind was knocked out of him and all blood drained from his face. From one second to the next, his ability for speech left him with his reason for living. As his heart slammed in his ribcage, Harvey struggled to breathe while simultaneously trying to hide his reaction. "Did you, eh…" He cleared his throat. "You get married?" he asked, keeping his gaze on the manila folder between them, steeling himself for the answer that would surely tear him apart.
In an effort to contain his own joy, Thomas tried to suppress the smile tugging at the edges of his mouth. From what Donna had told him, he'd gathered telling Harvey about their nuptials was a big deal, but she wasn't here, and he was. Discomfort quickly filled the air around them and even though his lips remained tight, he knew he couldn't keep his bliss from reaching his eyes. "Ehm, yeah. Yeah, we did."
The ground under Harvey's feet vanished, while his heart was ripped out of his chest. "Well, I guess—" Dammit. His throat was cotton dry and why was it so hard to articulate a goddamn normal reply? "—congratulations are in order." Closing his eyes, he shook his head slightly, trying to rearrange his thoughts and failing miserably because all that registered was how he'd forever lost the one person who meant the most to him.
If he ever carried any hope for him and Donna to be together, the piece of gold metal laughing in his face was the final nail in that coffin.
"Listen, I think it's best you meet with Alex yourself." Before he could catch himself, Harvey stood up and stammered, "I have eh… another meeting. So, let's reschedule. I'll have Alex' secretary contact you. Excuse me."
Before Thomas could answer, Harvey left the conference room, fidgeting with the tie cutting off his circulation.
"Aloha!" she greeted a couple walking towards them on the beach as she lifted her skirt to keep the water from hitting the fabric, feeling the fingers entwined with her own give her a small squeeze and she looked up to meet Thomas' enthralling gaze, complete adoration shining in his light green eyes.
The sun was about to set, and the twilight gave his eyes an iridescent glow she could get lost in.
Donna was in love. And being half a world away seemed to intensify the feeling a thousand-fold, because Thomas was perfect in every way imaginable. Besides the obvious godlike physique, in the time they had been together she had learned he challenged her, urged her to talk about the darker aspects of her character—and his own—examining the struggles and joys of life while never backing down from a good argument. Doing it all whilst making her laugh.
He embodied everything she valued in a person and she counted her lucky stars she had walked into his life.
Only a week into their vacation, yet the feeling this could be something permanent, they could be something permanent, grew stronger by the day and for once Donna's instinct shouting at her to be cautious barely registered as a whisper.
As they strolled along the beach, they came upon a wedding in session. Donna felt Thomas' grip on her hand tighten, before he stopped and moved behind her, wrapping her in strong arms to watch the ceremony up ahead. He nuzzled her neck, swaying them gently to the rhythm of the waves crashing onto shore.
"That could be us, you know," he mumbled.
Momentarily stunned, Donna searched for a reason to deny his statement and came up empty. Although they had only been dating for a few months, marriage was definitely where they were headed if things continued developing as they had.
However, he was the first man she ever even considered such a commitment with and she hesitated, grateful he knew better than to push her. Still, these kinds of suggestions plus him being open about his feelings for her were exactly the reason she admired him and she heard herself say, "I'd like that, Thomas."
Donna felt him hold his breath for the briefest of moments.
"Why don't we do it?" he whispered.
Bemused, she turned in his embrace, her heart stuck in her throat. "What are you saying?" He couldn't possibly—
"I'm saying that I am madly in love with you. Being with you feels right. Why should we waste more time? I don't need a big, extravagant wedding. We'll throw a party for our friends when we get back. All I want is you. Forever."
His elegant eyes shone brighter than before, his hard features soft in the sunset.
Turning over her thoughts to find an excuse, she once again drew a blank. Why wouldn't she marry him? Here was this gorgeous man who was crazy about her, and who she was in love with, asking her to elope with him. She wasn't getting any younger. There was still time to have a family. He was perfect and everything she wished Harv—
She halted her train of thought, unwilling to go down that rabbit hole while at the same time gripping a reignited desire to cut the past loose once and for all.
Donna took his face between her palms and brought his lips down to meet hers. "Let's do it."
The cool inside of the car provided a welcome relief from the suffocating heatwave that had captured New York in a late summer death grip.
Checking her phone, Donna read through some emails, trying to catch up before returning to work the following day. The sun had already started its descent and she was only thirty minutes out of town, something Gary, Louis' driver, had informed her of a minute ago.
When she and Thomas had landed at JFK yesterday evening, Donna's mother had called in a frenzy, explaining how she'd had to take her husband to the ER because Jim had suffered shortness of breath after dinner. Thankfully, the doctors had believed the symptoms to be caused by an allergic reaction, even though Clara had clearly been rattled by the ordeal. Since there was no immediate danger, Donna had told her mom she would come by the next day, figuring one more day off wouldn't be so bad. More importantly, the trip to Connecticut would give her the opportunity to share the news with her parents in person.
Grabbing the bull by the horns, she had called Louis and explained everything. Not only had he been thrilled for the newlyweds, he had given her the extra day and had gracefully offered her his driver since he would be stuck in meetings from morning to night.
Donna slumped into her seat. The jetlag was kicking in after a short night's sleep and she yawned, covering her mouth with a slightly heavier hand, a ring now weighing it down. She was a wife. Had been for a week, but neither she nor Thomas had told anybody while they were still in Hawaii, not wanting to burst the bubble of bliss they'd found themselves in. But they were home and friends and loved ones needed to be informed.
Telling Louis yesterday had been fun, and she was convinced most of her closest friends would have a similar surprised yet cheerful reaction, because everyone already adored Thomas.
The only thing left to do was think of a way of breaking the news to Harvey. He had found out about her dating Thomas by accident, their relationship nearly cost him his license, and now she would spring this on him. For days, she'd been wracking her brain, trying to find the right words and she almost had them down, rehearsed them until they became part of a monologue she could recite at the drop of a hat. If only she could get rid of the crippling nerves crawling up her spine whenever she thought about the inevitable face-to-face.
But all of that would be for tomorrow. Right now, she wanted to tell someone whose reaction she didn't have to dread.
Taking a photo of her adorned finger, she sent it to her friend across the country, waiting anxiously for her reply. When her phone did ring a moment later, an image of her and Thomas enjoying the sunset appeared and she smiled, thinking he must have programmed that for her when she hadn't been watching.
"Hey, handsome."
"Hey, beautiful. How was Connecticut?"
"It was nice. My parents can't wait to meet you. They invited us over for dinner this weekend," Donna said, twirling the diamond on her finger.
"I'm looking forward to it. Listen, I told Harvey."
"What? Harvey knows?" Donna asked, her entire body on high alert. This was bad. Hell, this was beyond bad. This was disastrous.
"Yeah. I had a meeting with Alex scheduled but Harvey filled in and that's when he saw the ring and put two and two together. He didn't look too happy. And I know you said you wanted to tell him yourself, but I wasn't gonna lie about it, either."
Donna didn't respond. Of course, he wouldn't lie about their updated domestic status, but by God, did she wish he had.
When she remained silent, Thomas heaved a sigh. "Listen, your relationship with him is complicated, so I think you should talk to him."
"Yeah. I will."
"I just thought you should know. I have another call coming through, I'll see you later, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'll be home in an hour." Stunned, Donna stared at her phone's wallpaper once the connection ended, scrambling to figure out a way to contain the situation. She should call Harvey. Although this wasn't a conversation to have over the phone, if he even answered her call at all. Shit. She needed to see him tonight, owing him at least that much.
Her phone rang again and Donna pushed her momentary panic aside, sliding her thumb across the device.
"Ohmygod, you're engaged? Congratulations! Donna! I am so excited! You guys are so cute together."
"Rachel. Slow down," Donna commanded, then took a breath, still reeling from Thomas' bombshell. "I'm not engaged."
Donna let the statement hang between them for a minute, waiting for the moment Rachel pieced it all together.
"No way. You're married? How?"
"I am."
As Donna relayed the story of her unplanned wedding, her emotions split in two. The infatuation she felt was real and picturing a future with Thomas was easy. But blindsiding Harvey with the developments in her personal life had been an unfathomable worst-case scenario, and a sting of regret punctured her joy.
When the conversation inevitably moved towards her former boss, Donna struggled to maintain her uplifted spirit.
"So, he found out from Thomas?" Rachel asked incredulously, her disdain for the plight crystal clear, which only fueled the guilt that had already taken residence deep within Donna's heart.
"I know. I should have told him. But my parents needed me in Connecticut, and I didn't want to do it over the phone. I'm afraid he's mad, Rach."
"Can you blame him? How would you feel if he married his latest flavor of the month and didn't tell you?"
"Thomas is not just the latest flavor of the month!" Donna shot back, annoyed at the comparison and suddenly very protective of her…husband.
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply—"
"It's okay. I get your point." Yeah. She'd be pretty fucking upset, too.
"Donna, he's been in love with you for years. And now he knows he'll never have his chance again. Of course, he's gonna be mad. Just give him time. He can't live without you. He'll come around."
Glancing over the entirety of Rachel's statement because her friend's wishful thinking regarding Harvey's feelings was hardly helping, she only responded to her last comment. "I hope so." Because she was nowhere near ready to think about what might happen if he didn't.
Three knocks were all she had in her, her stomach doing somersaults as her chest constricted from some invisible rope pulling tighter and tighter until all there was left were short gasps of little to no oxygen making her lightheaded, fast.
The door opened a moment later and Donna recoiled from the hollow, livid eyes staring down at her. Before Harvey even spoke, Donna caught a whiff of alcohol, and she cursed under her breath. He must have been home for a while. His shirtsleeves were rolled up, but one had come undone, his tie had been discarded and the tumbler in his hand was practically empty and likely ready for a refill.
"Go away, Donna." Bringing the glass to his lips, his feet planted firmly into the ground, Harvey tried to intimidate her into leaving.
She breezed past him. Drunk or not, they had to have it out, because if she left now, she might never find the courage again. Every step she took further into his condo carried more weight and she stopped at his kitchen island.
"We need to talk."
"No, we don't." Ignoring her position, Harvey went to his burning fireplace and put down the glass he'd been nursing. A half-empty bottle of Scotch waited on his table, so he plopped open the decanter and topped himself up.
"Fine. Then I'll talk." She took a breath, finding the words, when his voice thundered through the air.
"Why? What is there to say? Huh?"
The ear-splitting resonance of glass hitting glass shook her to her core as she watched the tumbler he had put down wobble briefly before it found its footing on the tabletop while Harvey gestured wildly with his now free hands.
"You got married. Well, congratulations, Donna. I wish you a prosperous life together." Dropping his arms to the side, he growled, "Now get the hell out of my apartment."
Donna flinched, the venom in his tone one she hadn't witnessed before. A slap in the face would have been less painful, but then again hurt people hurt people. "If there is nothing to talk about, then why are you so mad?" She fought the tears, watching the pain she'd caused unfurl before her eyes.
"I'm not mad."
"Sure, I can tell." Crossing her arms, she stood her ground, despite the increasing desire to flee.
"What do you want from me, Donna? You come here, saying we should talk when you didn't even have the balls to tell me yourself you got married. What is there left to say?"
He made 'married' sound like a heinous crime and she winced. "I came here to apologize. You shouldn't have found out the way you did."
"Apology accepted. Now go." Home. to your husband.
Harvey watched Donna's shoulders fall as his insides burned, doing everything in his power to stay upright, when all he wanted to do was drop to his knees and weep, desperation running wild beneath his desire to do something really goddamn stupid. Like kiss her.
Without another word, Donna swallowed her loss and left, the march back down the hall a walk of shame she would carry in her soul for the rest of her days. Just when she was about to close the door behind her, the piercing sound of shattering glass echoed through the space, followed by a howl so intense, she stiffened before quickly pulling on the handle until she heard the lock fall into place.
The tears came as the tension which had settled in her body when she had first stepped off the elevator dissipated, and all that was left was a pain so overwhelming, she was certain no sun would ever shine again.
With a subtle ding, the metal doors opened as a deep sense of loss befell her. Nothing had changed between them, yet everything was different. They were still friends. They still worked together. And their relationship had withstood tougher times. Right? They would find their footing again. They just had to.
Donna's phone rang but when she read the name on the display, she hastily denied the call and put the device on silent, refocusing on the man next to her on the couch.
Thomas had come over after Harvey's hearing, relaying what had gone down, even though he didn't understand why one of the name partners—who had not been involved in any way before—had taken the blame.
"So, Harvey is okay?" Donna asked hesitantly, shelving the other details for a later date when she would unquestionably have to face the wrath of Samantha for losing her mentor.
"He is." Thomas took an unsteady breath, needing to continue the conversation they had started earlier. "Listen, Donna. This morning you said something about Harvey being a part of you. Is that all or is there more to the story?"
A web of tension wove itself into every muscle in her body. Oftentimes before she'd had the same discussion with men who eventually walked away, unable to handle her intricate and undefinable relationship with Harvey. Yet, Thomas was different, and she had to chance losing their delicate, blossoming, romantic relationship by baring the truth, knowing it was the only way. "He and I have been through so much over the past fifteen years. He is one of my closest friends. You have to realize we've been side by side through many trials and today he could have lost everything he's ever worked for because I chose you over him. But I do choose you, Thomas. Because I choose myself."
A frown appeared on his forehead, an obvious indication she had to stop dancing around the essence of her past with Harvey. "Look, Harvey and I slept together. It happened once when we both left the DA's office over a decade ago. Then he asked me to come with him to this firm, and I told him we had to forget about it. And we did." Sort of.
Thomas ran a hand over his face, letting her revelation wash over him. "So, nothing has happened since? You're just friends?"
Appreciating how history could repeat itself, dread came over her. Would she be able to withstand another relationship failing because of her non-situation with Harvey? Not likely. And the time had come to break the pattern. "We kissed once. Last year. I needed to know if there was something there. But there wasn't. And I have been more than ready to move on, I just hadn't met the right man to do it with." Terrified he might bail, she took his hand in hers. "If you give me a chance, I promise you, he won't be a problem." The declaration was a prayer, as much as a statement, one she hoped would come true, more than anything.
No struggle ever fazed Thomas before and as he stared at the redhead fidgeting nervously with his fingers, he mulled over his options. Stay and possibly have to share her affection or leave and walk out on one of the most remarkable women he had ever met. Who apparently had a past. Then again, who didn't? Donna Paulsen was everything he had spent his life looking for and didn't think existed. From the moment they'd met, she'd been on his mind and he had all but fallen in love with her on their first date. If she was willing to forsake her history with Harvey, he was willing to grant her the space to do so, because jealousy simply wasn't in his nature, especially now that he knew where they stood as a couple.
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "I'm not going anywhere."
They left for dinner a short while later, taking tentative steps to a real future together.
So, when Harvey knocked on her door, her apartment was empty.
Breaking glass on purpose always seemed like a good idea until you had to clean up your own mess or risk cutting your feet every time you walked by. The debris wasn't exactly something Harvey wanted to explain to his housekeeper either, so he got down on his knees and started gathering the bits and pieces of an object which used to be whole, but now lay shattered all over the floor.
While picking at the shards of glass, his thoughts spiraled away from the task at hand and Harvey cursed the alcohol in his veins from letting his demons get the better of him.
How could she do this? Get married and then not tell him? How could she get married at all? She'd only known the guy for a few months. Did she even love Kessler? How could she love another man when she was supposed to love him? And did that not make him an asshole. As if she would be waiting for him forever. It's not like he ever gave her reason to consider him husband material. Hell, he had never even told her how he felt.
The thing tightening that rope around his chest most was the knowledge their friendship would once again change. No more dinners or late-night phone calls. No more flirting because it wouldn't be appropriate. And not because they didn't want to, but because they wanted to honor whoever was waiting for them at home.
The phone in his pocket vibrated and he reached for it, answering the call reluctantly when he saw the caller ID. As he tried to get up, Harvey lost his balance and to steady himself placed his hand right over a sharp piece. "Goddammit!" Immediately, blood started oozing from the wound in a slow train. Great. Just what he needed tonight.
He put the phone on speaker and let the faucet clean the slash. "What do you want, Mike?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I just cut myself on some glass," he said, wincing at the pain while trying idly to remember if he had any bandages in the house to wrap the inch-long gash with.
"I meant, how are you doing—"
"I'm fine, Mike. I don't need a babysitter because she got married."
The hell he didn't. "Harvey…"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Maybe admit that it bothers you."
"It doesn't. If she's happy, I'm happy for her."
The icy tone with which Harvey answered his questions as if he were on trial, made Mike regret trading New York for Seattle. What he wouldn't give now to have a drink with his friend and mentor and to be able to read his body language. His poker face was pretty good, but when it came to Donna, he was lousy at hiding his true emotions.
The sound of running water ended and was replaced with muffled noises and glass clinking, until the rustling of fabric was heard and footsteps echoed, followed by a dull thudding, as if something large sat on something solid.
Mike waited.
"She didn't even tell me in person," Harvey finally said, his voice wavering as he poured himself some Scotch.
Rachel had reported as much and it had pissed him off. "I'm sorry, man."
Harvey stared into the dancing flames of the fireplace, getting lost in their motion as his anger gently swayed into grief, grateful for the lawyer on the other end of the line, even though neither of them had any influence over this situation and the powerlessness was overwhelming.
The silence stretched on.
As Harvey stared at his bandaged hand, he figured it was only natural he was injured, because he felt like a large part of him had been ripped out, leaving a void he wasn't sure would ever be filled. Since his brother's divorce, Harvey had grown increasingly aware of his feelings for Donna, up until the moment he'd knocked on her door with a clean slate to practice law, and a dire need to have her by his side.
He loved her. And now she had moved on.
"I think I lost her for good this time." Cutting himself had sobered him up some, but clearly not enough, because he was too late to catch the confession escaping his lips.
For some reason, Mike responded as if he hadn't just bared his soul. But then again, Mike had always known, hadn't he?
"Does she know?"
"Know what?"
"How you feel. Have you told her?"
Harvey swirled the liquid around in his glass, briefly letting the what-if scenario play before his eyes, but he cut the images short, the pain of what could have been only adding to the misery he already felt. "No. And I'm not going to."
"Why not?"
"She's married, Mike. I won't be that guy."
Mike chewed on the words for a minute and found he couldn't argue, but goddammit if his friends ever caught a break. "Listen, if you need to talk, call, okay?"
"I will."
He wouldn't. Instead, he would suffer through this nightmare until it no longer hurt.
"How did it go?" Thomas sat up from his couch, eagerness in his eyes as he watched his wife meander over to him, purse dropping to the floor absently as she shrugged out of her coat.
The redness on her cheeks was an alarming sign, so he met her halfway.
"As well as expected." If the expectation had been bloodshed. She kissed him without conviction and mumbled, "I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted."
Thomas watched her go, his lips salty from her tear-stained peck. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Donna had married him, had chosen him, but Harvey still was a considerable influence in her life. Maybe she just needed time to adjust, but he'd be lying if this situation didn't unease him.
When he climbed under the covers a while later, he could tell Donna, curled up into herself, wasn't asleep. So, he slid his arm over her delicate frame, and kissed her shoulder softly. "It'll get better."
"I hope so," she murmured mournfully, leaning into his embrace. "What if he can't forgive me?"
"If your friendship means anything to him, he'll find a way."
"I appreciate you being so understanding, Thomas," she said, turning to look at him.
"Of course, Donna. Why wouldn't I be?" Another kiss. "I love you."
Donna clutched the arm wrapped around her. "I love you, too," she echoed, trying on the words for size. She had told him before. Once or twice. The first time in response to his question. Do you love me? was quite easy to answer with an 'I do,' she'd found.
However, saying 'I love you' should never feel like a lie, and yet it did.
Everything was so different now. Hawaii had been the happiest Donna had ever felt. Crazy in love, excited, exhilarated about her future. A future with a husband and perhaps some kids. With a brownstone and a dog and frequent trips to Europe, just because they could.
But when Thomas had called her that afternoon, all those images had evaporated like visions in a dream being interrupted by the alarm clock going off, jolting her into a reality she wasn't ready to face.
Moving on from Harvey was a process. She knew it, had lived it for the past months. But seeing the anguish in his eyes—despite his rage—had left a bitter taste in her mouth. He was never going to take the news well, but she would have at least tried to soften the blow, not hit him over the head with a sledgehammer.
Finding out the way he had was something she had a hard time swallowing. She'd had a plan, a speech, an explanation. A defense.
Right. Because when it came to Harvey, she had felt like she'd needed one. If any of her friends had felt the need to defend their marriage, she would have scoffed at them and told them to reexamine their choices. But nothing was ever black and white. She cared deeply about Thomas. But she also cared deeply for Harvey. And their friendship, or even their dynamic as coworkers, would undoubtedly change now that she was married.
Out of nowhere that notion crushed her insides and in the dark of night, she cried silent tears to the pattern of her husband's peaceful sighs.
The following days, Donna was showered with wedding gifts as word about her marriage traveled around the firm like a wildfire.
Harvey tried hard to ignore the wall of presents cramping Donna's office. He resented himself for his initial reaction, wishing he had been more understanding. But for some reason, convincing himself he was happy for her was an impossible feat. All of his past declarations regarding her relationships had been lies to maintain the status quo, his true feelings for her buried beneath layers of bullshit, inaccessible to him at the time and easy to reject, but he wasn't the same man he was back then.
And faking excitement now was a hell of a lot harder with a wedding ring mocking him for being such a coward all those years.
So, he ignored it. And her. And when it came time to go home, he made sure not to pass her office on his way to the elevators. He was about to hit the button when a flash of auburn drifted through his peripheral vision. As his finger touched cold metal, he looked up into her dark eyes, the retreating look of apprehension almost imperceptible, even though her body was noticeably tense. The discomfort stung like a knife. How had they gotten here? And would they ever get back on track?
"Going home? her soft voice asked.
"Yeah." He didn't want to ask, because his brain would inevitably go there, but his mouth didn't care. "You?"
"Me too."
Home. A thought crashed into his consciousness that if she had moved in with Thomas, he didn't even have her address.
Her gaze dropped to his bandaged hand and she asked, "What happened there?"
"Nothing. Just a little cut."
Donna seemed to accept his answer with a wry smile and no additional prying, which was unlike her and illustrated painfully how their dynamic had already changed.
The elevator dinged a moment later, breaking the tension that had engulfed them, but he knew how long the ride down was and he took a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever was to come next, pleading he could somehow skip the upcoming thirty seconds.
His heart was pounding so hard, it echoed in his ears and he wished he could make small talk, distract his brain by keeping his mouth occupied with words. But although she was within arm's reach, she was a million miles away and he didn't know how to breach the divide, when all he longed to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her—
"Goodnight, Harvey."
Donna waved past him through the doors, not even waiting for a reply, when he captured a whiff of her perfume lingering in the air and he recoiled at the scent, blasted with a loneliness he had not experienced before which expanded the already empty crater in his chest to new depths.
For Donna, the next two weeks went by in a blur, and the idea she had made the right decision became harder to hold on to with each passing day.
Her new husband had met her parents and had successfully charmed them into adoration after only one meal. Clara had wasted no time bringing up the possibility of having grandkids, to which Thomas had cordially replied they were taking things slow but were discussing it, while Jim had fawned over Thomas' keen business sense, picking his brain about the retail market and the future of Thomas Furniture.
He was the son-in-law they'd always wanted.
Donna had observed the interaction like a bystander, as if the scene in front of her was about someone else's life and not her own.
Joy. Excitement. Any exultation would have been warranted. Instead, she couldn't seem to shake the nagging voice telling her something wasn't right. Still, every time she leaned into the belief marrying Thomas had been a mistake, a wave of shame crashed into her so overwhelming, she always instantly let the notion go.
Because her marriage had to work. The alternative was going back to pining for a man who would never be ready, and that was simply not an option. Not after thirteen years. And especially since said man had all but disappeared from her life. Nowadays, her interactions with Harvey were short and to the point. No more jokes, or even small talk. Most certainly no more drinks or pre-trial rituals. Courteous exchanges and forced niceties were all they shared, aside from the lingering glances neither seemed to be able to prevent, reminding her that although they behaved as such, there was too much history between them to be strangers. And those seconds of eye contact trapped them in tiny heartbeats where nothing else existed. Then in the blink of an eye, something or someone inevitably hauled them into the present while a fragment of herself stayed behind, lost forever between the past and a moment ago.
The more time went on, the more she felt like she was losing a part of herself. But she was Donna. And she soldiered on, because walking away from a decision without at least giving it her all wasn't in her nature.
···
On Wednesday morning, Donna dropped by Louis' office, paperwork in hand.
"Louis, is Harvey in today? I need him to sign these," she said, waving two manila folders in the air. "But I haven't seen him all day." Lately, that wasn't such an exception and she ignored the knot in her stomach, tightening further the expanding chasm between her and the person she used to call her best friend.
"Donna, no, he isn't." Louis stated, a nervous look on his face. "Didn't you hear? His mom had a heart attack last night."
"Oh my god." A shot of sheer panic traveled down her spine, and she held her breath, waiting for Louis to expand. "Is she okay?"
"It looks like she'll make it. She had triple bypass surgery and is recovering. I'm surprised he didn't tell you," Louis noted absently.
I'm not, she thought. "These can wait."
She returned to her office with a burning desire to call Harvey and was just about to dial his number when she stopped herself. He hadn't reached out to her and where before she would have waltzed straight through his armor, she now faltered, afraid to trespass his boundaries and cause an even greater rift.
Her heart broke. Not only for his mom nearly dying, but for her not being by his side, as she should be.