Archive of Our Own ^beta

If you ask them, they’ll tell you that they are, in fact, best friends. And it’s not that they aren’t. It’s not that they’re unaware of each other’s feelings - or their own. It’s not that they’re in denial, or trapped by heteronormativity to a point where they can’t envision the romantic implication this could have. But they are best friends before anything else. They feel deeply, fully for each other, a trust so bright and so pure it trumps love itself. They don’t need anything else than this because this already makes them feel complete in a way they hadn’t been for a long time before meeting each other. So yes, if you ask them, they’ll tell you they’re best friends. They’re also in love. It’s not something, Buck has found, that needs to be shown to the world or verbalised as such. It’s not something that has to be presented as inherently romantic, either. Because they are best friends before anything else. And that’s all he’s ever wanted from Eddie, really. His love, his friendship, his trust, all melted together to form a bond so strong nothing could ever get between them.

Buck can be reckless, sometimes. In those moments his squad is here to ground him. But Eddie, Eddie is poised, careful. He thinks things through, and when he acts it’s not only from the need to save the people he’s sworn he’d protect but also from the place of someone who knows not everyone can be saved, that death takes blindly and that sometimes it doesn’t make any sense, at all. It doesn’t stop him from trying, though. It doesn’t stop him from putting others’ life before his own. He simply has a broader view on the consequences than Buck - the impulsive one, the feel-before-think one, right? - does and he knows being careful can’t always be enough in his line of work. He takes the risks because he has to and he’s made his peace with the consequences.

Still, it doesn’t make any sense, Buck thinks as he watches his best friend, the love of his life, being taken away on a stretcher by paramedics. That this man would have survived a war, survived earthquakes and tsunamis, survived all the things their work has thrown at them, only to find himself between life and death because someone decided today was a good day to shoot up a school. It doesn’t make sense, too, that it happens on Chris’s homecoming night.

Eddie had taken a day off that day in order to chaperone. Chris had been angry at first, seeing it as a way for his father to smother him.

He was supposed to take one of his best friend from middle school, Hayley. They'd been dating for a couple of months and he didn’t want his father to loom over them like Chris was something fragile that could be broken so easily.

They’d had arguments about it for weeks, with Chris saying stuff like “I’m not a kid anymore!” or “You’re the one who treats me different, not them! You’re the one reminding me of my disability all the time!”

It’d hurt Eddie, deeply. “I just want him to be safe” he’d told Buck one night, his voice breaking.

Buck had shuffled closer to him until their thighs were pressed together, idly brushing Eddie’s arm with the tip of his fingers in an intimate and comforting gesture: “And you’ve kept him safe, Eddie. You did an amazing job at that. But he’s growing up. He turned eighteen last February and he’s going away to college next fall. You have to learn to let him go. He’s ready.”

Eddie had sighed, pinching the bring of his nose between his fingers. “I’m the one who isn’t, aren’t I?”

Buck had just smiled knowingly and kissed his temple.

Later, he’d found Chris in his room, reading the last Ms Marvel comic book. He’d knocked and Chris had looked up from his comic, closing it and nodding at Buck to come in.

“He’s not mad, is he?” he’d asked nervously. Buck had chuckled, sitting on the end of his bed.

“Nah, he ain’t. He’s just scared cause you’re growing up to be an amazing man and he doesn’t know how to let you go just yet.”

Chris had lowered his head, sighing. “It’s not that I don’t want him there. As far as parents go, you guys are pretty awesome. But I need him to understand that I’m not a child anymore. I know I’m disabled and I know how it affects my life. I’m leaving soon and I’ll have to deal with it on my own. He has to understand I’m ready. I’m going to one of the best colleges in the country when it comes to services supporting disabled students and Hayley and Mike’ll be there too, so it’s not like I’ll be completely alone. Homecoming is supposed to be about us leaving our teenage years behind in order to start adulthood, right? Like a rite of passage. I can’t do that if my dad is staring at me from across the room, making sure nothing’s happening to me.”

Buck had nodded. “Have you told him that in that manner? That you’re not opposed to him being here but that you need him to respect your boundaries? Maybe you can come to a sort of compromise”. He’d paused. “You know I think if you tell him just that, that you do want him here as long as he doesn’t get overprotective on your ass, it’ll be just fine. I’ll even coach him for you, making sure he knows what the rules are and how to respect them.”

He’d puffed up his chest, talking in a much lower tone than his usual one: “‘Not standing closer than five feet away from him, Mr. Diaz!’ ‘But what if…’ ‘Repeat after me: I will respect a full five feet distance so as not not overcrowd my son and let him have fun with his girlfriend!’ ‘But…’ ‘That’s an order!’ ‘Yes sir!’”

Chris had laughed gleefully at that. “Like you’re the one who’ll teach him how to not be an overprotective dad.”

Buck had gasped, pretending to be offended. “Hey, now! That’s not really nice! I’m perfectly capable of not being overprotective, thank you very much.”

Chris’s had raised a dubious eyebrow at that, still laughing.

“Oh you’re gonna pay for that, you impertinent gen Z punk!” Buck had roared before starting to tickle Chris.

The teenager had doubled over, hollering with laughter.

“Aaaaaaah stop, stop! You won, old man! You won! The millennials have won this one! I surrender!” which had only prompted Buck to tickle him even more.

“Old man?” he’d squeaked. “I’ll show you an old man!”

They’d ended up in a tickling war which only subdued when Eddie came in, disbelief written all over his face.

“Buck? Weren’t you supposed to have a serious father-to-son talk with Chris?”, to which Buck had only replied: “It’s too late for talks, Eddie! We’re at war! The millennials have been insulted by the brash, insolent gen Z crowd! They must pay!”

Eddie had rolled his eyes. “Children. I’m raising two children, not one. I did not sign up for this” he’d grumbled, which had only lead to more laughter coming from the bed.

“Actually, you did” Buck had interjected. “I clearly remember paperwork being involved. It was really painful.”

Eddie had shaken his head, smiling slightly. “Come on then. How about this intergenerational war comes to a truce so we can make dinner, uh?”

Buck and Chris had stopped their tickling war instantly and shouted simultaneously: “YAY! LASAGNA TIME!”

After that, Eddie had had a long talk with his son, and they’d come to an agreement that he’d keep a respectful distance during prom and would let Chris live his life, even if it meant not helping him every step of the way on the dance floor.

“I’ve been practicing, dad. And I’m a pretty awesome dancer, if I must say so.”

“I don’t doubt it for one second” his father had muttered, pride evident in all and each of his words.

It was supposed to be a night of happiness and carefreeness. Eddie was supposed to be safe, away from work, away from the danger.

So no, it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that it was him who tackled the man as soon as the first shots were heard, only thinking about protecting his son and the other kids and not himself, never himself. It doesn’t make sense that it’s him who got shot in the process when Buck was the one working that night. When Buck could have been there, should have been there, even though rationally he knows he can’t think like this, that it won’t do any of them any good.

He can’t help feeling like the universe is laughing at him, taunting him. ‘You can never expect the people you love to be safe, dumbass. And you can’t never truly protect them’.

He knew - knows - death can come knocking at their door at anytime. It’s the life he’s chosen, the burden he’s accepted to live with. Losing comrades, losing friends - it comes with the territory. But right now, as Chris desperately holds onto him as though if he lets go he might drown, right now, as they watch his father and the bodies of the two teenagers who’ve also been shot being taken away, he’s starting to realise that he hasn’t accepted that this life could be lived without Eddie in it. Not when he’s given him and Chris his everything the second he met them and they gave everything in return. Not when his life finally started making sense when they entered it, like the two missing pieces of a puzzle he was barely starting to comprehend. Not when there’s no way he can be whole if it means being without either of them.

He thinks about that old man they couldn’t save, all those years ago, and about his husband. He wonders if they found each other again, wherever they are now. He wonders how he can feel the ones he love even when they’ve taken a road he can’t follow. He wonders how he can keep on making something if the central part of it is missing.

“I want you to adopt him” Eddie says one day, matter of factly. They’re in the living room, slumped together on the couch, watching the six season of Brooklyn 99 for maybe the fifth time in as many years while Chris is at school. Buck’s been ranting about how Jake’s character development is one of the best he’s ever seen on TV, appart from Zuko’s (in the animated series, obviously. Eddie’s learned that the Avatar - The Last Airbender movie is something that must not be talked about), and about how much he loves him, and how much he inspires him. Eddie’s been making fun of him, joking about the fact that off course a man-child would be Buck’s role model, seeing as he’s obviously still six at heart.

Buck stops in the middle of a long monologue explaining how Jake has matured so much he’s actually the one taking care of the other characters in a lot of episodes and that, really, it says so much about the care Andy Samberg has given to create a character and build him through and through, and blinks owlishly up at him from where he’s lying down in Eddie’s laps. “What?”

“I think you should adopt him. Chris, I mean” Eddie says again, his tone bland as though he’s talking about what they had for lunch.

“I, uh… I heard that” Buck sputters, straightening up and turning himself so he’s facing Eddie’s side. He stares silently at Eddie’s face for a while. Only his twitching leg is any indication that he’s not nearly as impassible as his carefully composed expression makes it seem. “What I mean is: what? Why? Why now?”

“There’s no time like the present” Eddie jokes. He’s staring so intensely at the TV screen it’s obvious he’s doing it to keep a composure.

“Eddie” Buck warns. “You can’t just, say that, and expect me to react like it’s not a big deal. It’s not like you’re telling me I should get a haircut or something.”

Eddie turns so he’s facing him now and looks at him cockily. “But I don’t want you to get a haircut, though. I like it when your hair starts getting long enough it curls.”

Buck ignores how warm this makes him feel. He knows very well it’s an attempt at a distraction. “Eddie, I see what you’re doing and it’s not going to work. You can’t just drop a bombshell and expect me to act as though it did not just happen. What do you mean, you want me to adopt Chris? Why now? What’s changed?”.

It’s not like they’ve really talked about it before, so really Buck doesn’t know if something has changed or not. It’s just. It’s been five years since Shannon’s death and there’s been a lot of situations in which Buck has been mistaken as Chris’s dad, even before that. Hell, there’ve even been times when he’s presented himself as such, going to Chris’s career day when he was off work and Eddie wasn’t, accompanying him on school field trips, bringing him to Shannon’s parents for lunch when they started reconnecting with them after her death and even for the holidays a couple of years ago when Eddie was finally ready to let him meet this side of his family. When they did an intervention on LGBTphobia at Chris’s middle school last year he proudly raised his hand when they talked about LGBT+ families and said he had two dads. People have assumed he’s Buck’s biological son on more than one occasion, what with the fair hair and the curls, and acted astounded when learning that no, his biological father actually is the brown-haired, tan man standing over there. So it’s not like him being a parent to Chris is anything new. Still, it doesn't explain why now, amongst the quiet of their home and the (relatively peaceful, relatively disaster-free this past couple of months) stability of their work and private life.

“It’s just…” Eddie runs a hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable. “I’m gonna turn forty next year. I’m growing older Buck. I’m not there yet, obviously, but my reflexes aren’t as good as they used to be. My eyesight is deteriorating and I’ll probably need glasses in a couple of years. I just… I need to know, if something happens to me, that he won’t be… alone. I need to know he’ll be… safe.” His voice breaks on that last word. “I need to know he’ll be with you. That you’ll keep him safe. There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you. And I need you to be able to take care of him if something happens to me.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to you, Eddie”. In the grand scheme of things he knows it’s not true. They live dangerous lives. And tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.

“Buck, please. You know what I mean. I know it’s a lot of responsibilities but to me - to Chris - you’re already a father to him. I just don’t want the law and some stupid paperwork to get in the way of that.”

Buck can feel the tears building up at that. He knows, objectively, that the Diaz consider him family. He knows that abuela calls him mijo like she does Eddie, that Pepa has stopped mockingly calling him el novio - they were never just boyfriends, were they - in favour of sobrino over three years ago. Most of all, he knows he doesn’t stop being Eddie’s partner once they take off their uniform. But hearing it - god, hearing him say that there’s no doubt that he’s Chris father, and that Chris considers him as such - is another thing altogether.

“I…”

“You don’t have to say yes. Not right now. Not ever if you don’t want to. I won’t hold it against you. It’ll be a long, exhausting process if you go through it. I’ve looked it up and the fact that we’re not… you know. Really what society expects a relationship between two parents to be will be a hinder. But we have a lot of proof of your presence in Chris’s life over the years and of the role you played. We can give testimonies too. I know abuela and Pepa would without a second thought. I… Buck? Why are you crying?”

“I’m just so… happy. You two make me so happy” he chokes out, and it’s too much, really, how much he loves them and how much they love him and how much he’s given and how much they keep on giving giving and giving back. He didn't have much of a family and then he made one. They made one, together, something he’ll forever be grateful for. “You’re giving me so much. You two and the 118, you’ve given me so much. I never thought… I never thought I’d get to have… all of this” he explains, gesturing at them, at this house, at this life he gets to experience. To live. “Every time you offer me a new piece of a family and it’s like I’ve forgotten that I’ve actually had this for all those years now and that it’s not going anywhere.”

Eddie’s hand cups his cheek, his thumb brushing lightly on the soft skin there in an intimate, easy gesture that tells the story of a love coming home and fitting itself in the hollow of timeless adoration.

“You deserve every moment of it” he whispers, his thumb tracing the outline of his cheekbone to his jaw to his lips before nesting in the curve just beneath his eye. “You deserve a family of your own. You have no idea how thankful I am that you chose us, Evan. You saved us. In so many ways. You saved me. You’re as much a part of this family as Chris or I and I know it’s not much compared to what you’ve done for us, but asking you to adopt him is one of the best way I can think of to remind you of that and to prove it to you. I know you’ve doubted your place in our lives in the past and this is my way of making this promise to you: you belong with us, Evan, if that’s what you want.”

Buck sniffles. “Off course it’s what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known you both, I think.”

Eddie beams at him then, a rare, precious occurence - not because Eddie never beams at him but because there’s a depth there, something settling in this simple display of happiness. A new promise. Buck wants to take this moment in his heart and never let it go.

Bobby tells Buck to stay with Chris and bring Eddie’s truck to the hospital. He’s kneeling next to them where they’ve been sitting on the ground, clinging to each other as though they’ll break if they let go. Buck opens his mouth, ready to protest - he’s working after all, wants to do his job properly at some point - but Bobby cuts him off before he can.

“We’ve got this Buck. We’ve got him. You stay with your son and take care of him. We’ll be here when you arrive. He’s not going anywhere without your knowing, I promise.”

Buck nods, unable to speak. He squeezes Bobby’s arm quickly to convey his gratitude before watching the older man get up and into the fire truck.

He keeps on watching as they turn on the sirens and leave the school’s driveway. He doesn’t move until he can’t hear the sound anymore.

“Come on. Time to get up” he whispers to Chris, gripping his arm and gently hoisting him up.

The teenager hasn’t moved or said a thing since Buck found him slumped over his father’s body, muttering endlessly “come on dad. Wake up. Please wake up. Come on. Dad, come on.”

He’d quietly crouched down next to him and disentangled Chris’s hands from where they’d been grasping at Eddie’s damp shirt. The young man had been trying to apply pressure to the wound, something Buck had felt so proud of. “Chris, it’s me. Help is here. They’re gonna take care of him. You can let go now. It’s okay. You did well.”

The boy had looked up, and before he could say anything more he’d thrown himself at him. “Papá… he… he jumped in front of the man and tackled him. And… there was a bang and I… I… Pops, I…” his voice breaks into sobs.

“Shh… shh, it’s okay. I’m here buddy, I’m here now. I’ve got you” he’d muttered, running a hand through his hair. He’d held him from then on and the rest of the crew had let him.

Now he has to be strong enough to carry them both to the hospital without breaking down. He’s terrified he’ll fail.

“Bobby gave me your dad’s truck keys. Come on. We’re gonna go wait for him at the hospital okay? So we can be there when he wakes up.”

“You don’t know if…”

“He’s gonna wake up, Chris” Buck states firmly. Any other outcome is out of the question.

When Buck starts dating Josh and brings him as his date on Halloween, everyone at the firehouse is surprised except for Hen.

“You knew?” Buck asks her, slightly taken aback. It’s not that he hides the fact that he’s into men. If you ask him, he’ll tell you so, or that he’s bisexual. He just doesn’t see the point in announcing it to the world on a daily basis and it never came up in conversations since he got here.

“It’s more that I never assumed otherwise” Hen answers and that. That warms Buck’s heart. Hen gets it. It feels good to be understood. It feels good to be seen for who he is.

“There’s something else, though” he says, because he can feel there is. She’s not gonna push it, if he tells her he doesn’t want her to. Still, he knows she’s surprised, too, but in a way that’s different from anyone else at the party. It’s not a ‘what do you mean Evan Buckley ain’t the straightest man on Earth, what with all that muscle-y masculinity and the gorgeous women and Buck 1.0’s known hook-up record’ (what they don’t know is this: firetrucks are not even needed for guys, showing up in his firefighter shirt at the gym does the trick). It’s more of a ‘what do you mean this relationship can exist right now, in this universe’ kind of surprised.

“Are you sure he’s the one you wanna be with?”.

And. It’s not like he doesn't know what she’s referring to. Off course he does. He’s seen the way she looks at them, sometimes. He knows she understand that, too, to some extent. He also knows his friends won’t ever meddle with their relationship because they respect their boundaries and the fact that it’s not something they’re willing to talk about. That doesn’t mean they understand it, though, or that they don’t have questions. He can feel it in their eyes when they arrive at work together after Buck’s spent the night - again. He can see Bobby watching carefully each and every single one of their interaction when he’s there to witness them because he doesn’t want neither of them to get hurt. He can see Chimney looking at them quizzically every time they share one of those lingering touches or one of those meaningful gazes. He can see Maddie worry he’ll never find happiness or a family of his own because he’s given his all to another already. They do have a lot of questions, he knows they do. Buck just doesn’t have the answers they’re looking for, though, cause reality, he’s found, ain’t that simple.

“Ouch. You always that straightforward when it comes to these things, Wilson? Or am I getting special treatment because you love me so much?”

She rolls her eyes but he can see her smirk as she takes a gulp of her beer. She sighs, suddenly serious. “I’ve come to find from spending time with him and Maddie since the hostage situation that Josh is a really sweet guy. He’s been through a lot lately and he’s been so scared of dating and opening up to people since what happened last March, you know? He deserves happiness and love. He deserves to come first, not second. And you… you deserve that too, Evan. I don’t want you settling for less because you think you can’t have what you really want.”

As she says so, her gaze drifts towards where Chris is playing with Denny while Karen and Eddie chat idly on the side, keeping an eye on them. Buck’s eyes follow suit and they stay silent for a little while, watching their respective family. Eddie catches his eyes and smiles fondly at him from afar.

“There are different kinds of love” he says eventually, smiling softly.

Hen nods in understanding. “Is it the kind you want, though?” she asks, because she cares for Buck and wants to see him happy.

He turns his face to her, his blue eyes bright and shiny. “I’m content with what I have” he answers. “And excited for what’s coming” he adds, his gaze drifting to where Josh is chatting with Chimney and Carla. Their eyes meet and Josh smiles sheepishly at him. He grins in return, a small blush on his cheeks. “I don’t think the two are incompatible.”

Hen stares at him for a long time. “I suppose not” she concedes as she watches him crossing the room to where Josh is and taking his hand in his, intertwining their fingers. She hopes, for his sake, that he’s right.

When they get to the hospital the whole team is already there, waiting for them after having driven the two dozen people who got injured. Three of them - Eddie, Buck can’t stop thinking, one of those people is Eddie - are in life-threatening conditions and the rest of them are being treated for minor injuries. One teacher didn’t make it. A part of him can’t help but be relieved that person isn’t Eddie. He feels terrible about it. He also knows he wouldn’t have survived if it was Eddie. He can’t envision him not making it. He’ll wake up because Buck cannot fathom a world where he gets to live and Eddie doesn’t.

They look sad, the lot of them. Downcast. Buck looks frantically from Bobby to Chim, from Hen to Maddie, searching for answers he knows they don’t have. He doesn’t have the time to wonder how it is she got there before he did before she’s standing up and pulling him into a hug. He lets out a sob he didn’t know he was holding back, holding onto her like a lifeline. Suddenly the fight leaves his body and he lets go of the strength that’d been steadying him in order to carry Chris all the way here and not break down. He lets it all go and feel himself spiralling down, down, down.

“Where’s my dad?” he hears Chris ask, barely audible over the sound of his own racing thoughts. “How is he? What did the doctors say?”

Bobby gets up and walks over to the young boy, puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I think both of you should come and sit down with us before we go on” he says calmly.

Buck only clasps Maddie harder, burying his head in her shoulder. He hears Chris protest faintly in the background before he eventually gives in as Bobby tells him “come here”, bursting into tears again. He can’t think, can’t hear, can’t breath.

It can’t be good, Bobby telling them to sit down. Can’t be a good sign. There are so many things that could have gone wrong on the way here. He could have bled out before they had time to take care of him. His heart could have stopped. He could have lost the will to fight while unconscious. Buck should have come with him. He should have gotten into the ambulance. He should have… He should have…

“Evan” his sister mutters quietly, running comforting fingers through his hair. “Come on.”

She guides him silently to where the rest of the group is sitting in those god awfully uncomfortable hospital chairs. Buck thinks, not for the first time, that everything about hospitals is made to make you want to run away.

He sits down in a daze, only getting out of it when he hears Bobby calling his name. He’s taken Christopher with him so he could come and sit on the chair next to him. Buck put an arm around his shoulders once he’s seated and starts stroking his curly hair absentmindedly.

“So” he says hoarsely. “Is he…”. He clears his throat, unable to go on. He feels as though if he keeps on talking he might burst.

“He’s undergoing surgery as we speak” Bobby explains before he manages to find it in him to speak again. They make eye contact and Buck tries to convey how grateful he is. “He… He’s been badly injured, I won’t lie to you. They said it would be a complicated surgery and that he’d lost a lot of blood already. The bullet entered right next to his heart and lodged into his spine. They don’t know the extend of the damage yet. There’s a possibility…”. He hesitates there. His gaze finds Buck’s again.

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Cap.”

“There’s a possibility that he suffered some serious brain damage when he fell. He was already unconscious when he arrived and they…” his voice falters again. “They’re not optimistic as for his chances at a complete recovery.”

“You mean they weren’t optimistic as for his chances at a recovery at all” Chimney mumbles crossly.

“Chim” Hen warns, like they’ve already had this discussion before Buck and Chris arrived.

“What, Hen? It’s the truth and Buck and Chris deserve to know. They said there were chances he’d slip into a coma once the surgery is done! They said he might not wake up! Why do you both try so hard to make it seem as if it’s not a big deal? Eddie is one of our best friends, he’s Buck’s partner and Chris’s father, and he might die tonight!”

“Chimney! That’s enough” Bobby cuts him off sharply, his voice echoing in the quiet of the waiting room.

Chim looks down contritely and Maddie shakes her head, sending an apologetic look in Buck’s direction. A part of him wants to be angry at Chim, to yell at him to shut the hell up. Another is so terrified he can’t blame him for taking his frustration and fear out like that. Some other part of him feels grateful he’s being honest with them and knows it’s his way of looking after them. The last one is so exhausted with worry it just wants to forget any of this is happening.

Bobby sighs and kneels down so he can meet Christopher’s eyes from where they're staring at the linoleum floor. “Your dad is resilient. He’s a fighter and a winner. He won’t give up so easily. That’s why” he looks up at Buck, then, “that’s why we need you to not give up on him. Because if there are people who can bring him back, it’s the both of you.”

Nobody say anything for what feels like ages, but might just be minutes.

“What… what if it’s not enough” Chris asks eventually, his voice barely above a whisper.

Buck thinks his heart might burst out of his chest.

Hen gets up from where she was sitting and joins Bobby on the ground, kneeling next to him. She takes Christopher’s hand in hers and squeezes it gently. “We have to believe it is, sweetie. For his sake, we have to.”

Silence settles in then. It’s as though none of them has the energy to pretend they're not sick with worry anymore. So they don’t. They sit in silence, supporting each other but losing themselves in their own thoughts at the same time.

Buck’s mind is racing one hundred miles an hour. He keeps replaying the scene in his head, keeps seeing Eddie’s body on the ground and Chris bent over it. He thinks about how he hasn’t told Eddie he loves him in what feels like ages.

It’s not that they don’t. Or that they don’t say it. They've said it plenty of times, to themselves, to others and to each other. It’s that when they do, it doesn’t always mean the same thing. Buck’s love for Eddie is like the ocean: sometimes it comes crashing down in passionate, dangerous waves; sometimes it’s still and quiet, peaceful. It smells of possibilities and never-ending horizons, of mystery and familiarity all at once.

He’s so glad he got to chose a family of his own, even if people don’t understand it. Don’t understand that them being partners don’t mean that they have to be lovers; or that them being lovers doesn’t mean they’re not best friends.

“Hmm… Has Mr. Evan Buckley arrived?”

Buck stands up stiffly, startled by the unfamiliar voice. His body is hurting all over - they’ve been waiting here for almost ten hours. He sees a doctor he doesn’t know standing by the hospital corridor’s door and stumbles towards him, trying to get his brain to come back to the present. It’s been drifting away to shores of unforgettable memories of this life shared. “Yeah… Yeah. It’s me. I’m Evan Buckley. I’m Eddie’s emergency contact.”

The doctor smiles sweetly at him. “And you came with Mr. Diaz’s son… Christopher, that’s correct?”

“Yes. Yes, I came with our son. He’s sat over there” Buck mumbles, pointing blindly toward the opposite side of the waiting room.

“Oh, off course. I apologise for the confusion. If it’s okay with you, I would like to have a word with the both of you.”

Buck falters. “Y… Yes, off course. I’ll go help him up.”

Buck turns around only to see that Chris is already up and walking to them, his face closed off. Buck knows better than to help him when he’s like that, so he waits for him instead.

“How’s my dad?” he blurts out as soon as he gets to them, dread and fear flowing out of him in waves.

“The surgery didn’t go as bad as it could have, considering. The bullet didn’t hit any important never ending so he probably won’t be paralysed and his vitals are stable so far” the doctor starts. He pauses, a pause Buck has heard one too many time. It’s the one they do when the news are more bad than good.

“But?”

“But Mr. Diaz suffered from severe brain injury during the shooting, which turned into brain haemorrhage throughout the procedure. We did what we could but…”. He inhales as though trying to give himself courage. “His vitals are good, yes. But he’s not waking up.” He hesitates again and his eyes find Buck’s. The firefighter feels it before he’s even said it. “Mr. Buckley, Christopher… Mr. Diaz is in a coma. We don’t know when or if he’ll wake up. I’m sorry.”

Buck can feel his legs give out under him. Before he can fall Bobby is here, catching him in his arms. Buck stares at the linoleum, unable to say or do anything. He barely hears Chris burst into tears and shout “what do you mean he’s not waking up? it was your job to make him wake up!” before he’s running through the toilet’s door and throwing up on an empty stomach, his ears ringing with the sound of Chris’s distressed sobs.

The doorbell rings and Buck gets up excitedly from where he was lounging on the couch, his head resting in Eddie’s laps, almost knocking over the TV remote in the process. Eddie catches it, but barely.

“I’ll go get it!” the younger man shouts happily, and all but runs for the front door. “Maddie” he cheers as he opens the door, grinning from ear to ear. “You’re back!”

He all but swallows her into the tightest hug possible, knocking her out of breath.

Maddie yelps out, but she can’t help the giggle that escapes her lips. “Ouch! Buck, be careful! You’re going to break me! Have you… Oh my God, have you gotten bigger since I left? What happened? How is that even possible? I was only gone for two weeks!”

They hear Eddie laugh in the background. “He’s been eating his vegetables so that Chris will eat his too, that’s what happened” he scoffs from where he’s still half-sitting, half-lying down on the couch.

Buck raises his head from where it was buried in Maddie’s hair and turns slightly so he can give Eddie a death stare. “Hey now! I’ll let you know I’ve always been really good at eating my vegetables!”

Maddie blatantly snorts at that. “Oh now, Evan Buckley. That’s one of the biggest lies you’ve ever told anyone” she says flatly from where she’s still muffled into his embrace.

Buck lets her go and crosses his arms, looking downright outraged. “You’re the worst sister ever” he pouts.

She laughs again, kissing him on the cheek before making her way inside the house. “I love you too, Evan.”

Buck follows her, grumbling to himself. He’s quick to drop the act when he sees Eddie smiling fondly up at him. He grins back, his heart content.

“Hi Maddie” Eddie greets her properly as she sits down on the armchair next to the TV. “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, it was wonderful” she beams, her eyes getting glassy over all the memories. “The cottage was the perfect thing for us. Something too grand would have just ruined it you know? But spending two weeks in this little wood house, getting up in the morning to watch the mist rise up from Lake Michigan? It was lovely” she sighs blissfully.

“Yeah, I thought it would be” Buck nods, crashing onto Eddie.

The older man lets out a big “oof” as the weight of a grown, 200-ish pounds man falls on him but he doesn’t seem to mind that much, if the way his hand finds Buck’s head to play with his curls is any indication. “Did Chim enjoy it?”

“Oh, he hated the cold” she laughs. “Complained the whole time, said I should have warned him to bring more sweaters. I told him it’s the best you’ll ever have over there and he made me promise to never leave California.”

Eddie winces sympathetically. “Yeah, I feel that. Shannon and I spent our honeymoon in Dallas and that was already too cold for us. California is probably one of the only other states I can stand living in and I’m never putting one toe on the East coast.”

Buck’s head shoots up from where it was resting on his stomach. “Wait. You didn’t even leave Texas for your honeymoon? Also. The East coast is the best and you suck.”

Eddie scoffs. “Yeah clearly, that’s why you moved to California, didn’t you”. He ignores Buck as the younger man sticks his tongue out at him. “And well, you know. She was already pregnant with Chris and we didn’t really have the money to go anywhere else.”

Buck sobers up at that. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Eddie just shrugs. “It’s okay. Texas is big enough you feel like you’ve left the country when you haven’t even leaved the state. I’m not much of a traveler, to be honest. I picked California because I already had family there so it didn’t feel like I was jumping into the unknown.”

“Is there one place you’d want to go, though?” Maddie asks curiously. “Like, your dad is from Mexico right? Do you ever think about going there to, I don’t know, find your roots?”

Eddie runs a hand through his hair, clearly taken aback by the question. “Uh. I don’t know. Never really gave much thought about it, to be fair. Being the son of an immigrant is… complicated. My father never talked much about Mexico and his life there. If anything he avoided it entirely except for when we went to family gathering”. He pauses, losing himself in thoughts. “I guess… He always felt like he had to leave that part of himself behind in order to be a real american” he adds, putting the word ‘real’ between air-quotes.

Buck hums softly. “Your mum is from Swedish descent right? Ours is too, right, Maddie? From grandpa Harvey’s side, if I remember correctly. His own great-grandfather took a boat departing from Stockholm on October 18th, 1847. Or maybe it was 1849?”

Maddie blinks owlishly at him. “I… had no idea, actually. How do you know that?”

Buck shrugs from his position. “Found a bunch of old journals and letters dating back that day in grandpa’s attic one summer after you left. Did you know that our ancestor was a shoemaker? Had to leave because of famine too, like most Swedish immigrants from that time actually” he carries on, oblivious to Maddie and Eddie’s shared look of incredulity. “I wonder if your ancestors left around that time too, Eddie. Do you think we could find out?”

Eddie stares at him, agape.

“Well?” Buck prompts him, as though he’s asked him if he’d rather eat pasta or pizza tonight and not a question about the extent of his knowledge on his own genealogy. Because of course it hasn’t come to his mind that most people don’t know anything about it. Don’t wonder about it or read extensively about a country their ancestors have left a long time ago. “We could ask your mum next time we FaceTime her.”

“I love you” the older man blurts out. It’s not that he’s never said it before. He has said it - many times, in many ways. Yet he feels the need to let it out. This, here, is just another one of the many ways to love Evan Buckley.

Buck is positively glowing. “And I love you too. But that doesn’t answer my question.”

Eddie shakes his head. “I can’t believe you’re real” he whispers in amazement. “You’re so… you.”

Buck frowns. “Is that a bad thing?”

Eddie shakes his head again, runs a hand through Buck’s hair. “No. God no, querido. It’s not.”

Buck looks relieved. “Oh. Okay. Sorry.”

Maddie stares at them both in awe. She knows, deep down, that they have shared and shown their love and that they love each other, in a way that she can’t comprehend - none of them do.

She used to wonder sometimes if anyone else on this Earth is so lucky they get to experience that unique kind of relationship. She was so confused, at first, when her best friend started dating her brother. So scared he would end up broken hearted because there didn’t seem to be any place for him in Buck’s heart to begin with. Then she’d realise, after many conversations with Josh, Eddie and Evan alike, that it wasn’t so much that they loved each other differently than anybody else would ever love anyone or so deeply it took all the love they had to give, but rather that loving each other did not stop them from building other, unique kinds of love. And that Buck had room in his heart to give his love to anyone who was brave enough to accept it.

Maddie had learned - from her failing him twice, from him standing his ground and catching her when there was nobody else to call anymore - that it was so terrifying because it was so pure and full. Earning Buck’s love was a hard, treacherous thing. Not because he didn’t give it freely. But because accepting it, accepting that you were deserving of such a love, was another matter altogether.

Eddie’s face darkens. “Don’t ever apologise for being true to yourself, Buck. Isn’t that right Maddie?”

She startles from where she was sitting still, completely lost in her own thoughts. A part of her feels like she’s intruded on something. Another has the feeling they do not mind sharing those moments with the people they love and that it’s okay. “What? Yes. Off course. Eddie is right. It’s so cute that you know so many facts about our ancestors. Just… unexpected.”

Buck shrugs again. “I just like gaining knowledge on things that are close to me” he explains.

Eddie brushes the side of his face with his knuckles. “Maybe we could go one day” he mutters gently.

“Where?” Buck asks quizzically.

“To Sweden. You said both our ancestors came from there. That’s something we could share. Something we could do together.”

Buck’s smile there could outshine the sun itself. Happiness flows out of him in tender waves, his soul left bare for anyone to see. Eddie feels proud he gets to be offered this. This trust. This love. This partnership, this life they’ve built for themselves.

“Yeah. Yeah, we could”, he breathes out before entangling their fingers and kissing Eddie’s knuckles. Another promise sealed with a kiss.

“Wanna bring Chris over for dinner tonight? Denny’s cooking us his infamous tomato pie ” Hen asks him as he’s pouring himself a cup of coffee in the firehouse’s kitchen.

They’re only two hours into their early morning shift and she’s sporting her backup LAFD shirt already. They’re just back from a call that involved an accidentally self-inflicted stab wound and a cut off little finger. Needless to say, she needed to get change. Some people should just not be left to their own devices when closer than one hundred feet away from a kitchen.

“Uh. I don’t know. We were going to…”

“…go and see Eddie. Yeah, figured. But what do you think of spending one evening, only one evening, away from the hospital? And before you start protesting” she adds immediately, sensing the refusal before it has the time to reach his mouth, “and telling me you need to be there for Eddie, please consider that getting out of your heads would do you both good. You can’t be there for him if you’re not there for yourself and it doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him. You deserve to take some weight off of your shoulders, Buck. You’re miserable and it keeps getting worst.”

“My best friend is in a coma. I think I’m allowed to be miserable” he retorts bitterly.

Hen puts a reassuring hand on his arm and smiles softly at him. “I know, Buck. And I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. If it were Karen…” her voice breaks and she swallows hard. “God. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’d be like. I’d be a mess. I wouldn’t be living anymore, only functioning. But that’s what friends are here for. To remind you both that you need to keep on living. For your sake but for his sake too. Please come over tonight.”

Buck opens his mouth and closes it. Sighs. Runs a hand through his hair.

He wants to argue. Wants to give into it and say yes. Wants this whole conversation to never have happened in the first place. Wants to run away from it, towards the safe haven that is his found family. Wants Hen to hug his pain away and tell him everything will be okay. Wants Eddie to wake up. Wants, wants, wants, wants.

“I… I’ll ask Chris. He’s been staying at his friend Mike’s for a while.”

Hen nods. “Okay. Keep me updated, alright?” she tells him as she pushes herself off from where she was leaning against the kitchen counter and starts making her way to the stairs.

“Yeah… Yeah, I will” Buck answers. “Oh, and Hen?” he utters, feeling embarrassed. She turns around to face him and raises an inquisitive eyebrow, waiting for him to resume talking. “Thank you” he chokes out, gulping back tears.

“Oh, Buckaroo” she sighs, and it’s not pitiful, but sad. She strides back to him and take him into her arms. “We love you. And we’re here for you. We’re not giving up on him. As long as there’s life there’s hope.”

Buck breaks down there, wailing into her shoulder. It hurts so much he’s scared it’ll suffocate him.

“But what… What if I’m not strong enough to keep that hope alive?” he whimpers eventually. “What if I give up? Hen, I won’t ever forgive myself. What if I just wake up one day and I realise I’ve stopped hoping he’ll ever wake up? I can’t abandon him but I’m so scared I won’t be strong enough not to.”

And that’s the worst part, he thinks. Not that he might not wake up, but that he stays in that coma long enough for Buck to lose the fight. He hates himself for thinking that but he can’t help it. He knows it’s selfish, knows that it’s his own hurt talking and that off course he’d rather Eddie wakes up in ten years than not at all, but he can’t help it. Can’t help how weak he is.

Hen’s running a soothing hand on his back. “You are strong enough, Buck. You’re one of the strongest persons I know. And you never give up. Especially not on Eddie. You didn't when he was buried forty feet underground or when he got trapped into a ten-stories burning building and you won’t now either.”

She breaks the hug so she can take a step back and grip his shoulders in her hands. She searches his gaze stubbornly so he has no choice but to look at her in the eyes. Buck relents eventually, sniffling.

“We’ve got you, Buck. When it gets too hard to carry your hope alone we will be here to catch you and carry it for you. I promise. We know better than to give up on either of you by now.”

Buck lets out a snort that turns into another sob. “Oh, shut up. You’re going to make me cry” he says, an attempt at humour that goes right by her head.

“It’s okay, Buckaroo. I’ve got you.”

And in that moment, as the tears start rolling down his face again, he knows she does. Knows - has learned - that they won’t leave him behind. That they won’t give up hope if it means holding it up for him when he can’t. He used to be scared - terrified, even - that he would never be enough for any of them. That this family would not hold itself through time and that he would have to watch them leave him one by one. But they didn’t. When worst came to worst, when all his insecurities and fears came exploding into their faces when no one expected it, months and months after the law suit and right after Abby came back, they rose to the challenge and they stayed. Took the love he had to give and learned to better embrace it. And then made a promise to him, like Maddie had done a couple weeks earlier: “you won’t get left behind, Buck. We’ve got you.”

When Bosko asks Eddie to be her best man at her marriage and he says yes everybody is surprised. Not so much by Eddie saying yes - after all, they have been and have stayed really close friends, what's happened with the street fighting and its fallout only bringing them closer, Eddie learning to be a better friend to her - but by how into it Eddie is.

On one of her days off she drops by the firehouse with her partner to say hi and Eddie immediately gets up from the breakfast table and they start talking about the kind of suit he thinks she should wear and ideas as to where to celebrate the wedding - he’s narrowed it down to three locations and he believes they have to make up their mind fast so it’s not already booked.

“What on Earth is happening right now” Chim blurts out, dumbfounded, the chunk of pancake he was about to put into his mouth all but forgotten on the tip of his fork.

Buck laughs, coming to sit down next to him with a plate of his own. “Oh, he’s been insufferable for days now. Won’t shut up about it”. His laugh turns into a tender smile. “I think part of him still feels guilty he wasn’t such a good friend to her at first and he’s still trying to make up for it. Hi Casey” he adds when they approach the table, grinning up at them. Casey is almost as tall as him so, sitting down, they’re basically towering over them both. “Fancy seeing you there”.

Bosko had met Casey a couple of weeks after being back with her crew following the tsunami, during a call where both their team had been mobilised alongside others.

An entire football stadium had started to go up in flame during a game and well, it wasn’t pretty. Casey was a social worker employed by a city-funded organisation that mostly worked with teenagers in foster care. They planned activities for them, ranging from free tutoring to obtaining tickets to see football games. Which is exactly what they’d been doing when they’d noticed the stands behind them were on fire.

Casey had been organising evacuation, first making sure the young people in their care were safe before going back inside to help security until first responders arrived, when their crews got there. They’d insisted to lend a hand even after they took over, pointing out that they were clearly outnumbered by the panicking crowd. Bobby and Bosko’s captain had discussed it rapidly and begrudgingly agreed, provided they stayed with Bosko at all time and didn’t get into the heart of things. Bosko hadn’t been too pleased with that, until a burning railing had almost crashed down on her and Casey had grabbed her and pulled her backwards, almost falling into Buck in the process and accidentally elbowing him in the sides.

Since then, the both of them had been really good friends, the young man joking they’d miss their calling as a firefighter and Casey pointing out playfully that they’d be more than happy to have him working alongside them with children, which always ended up with either Bosko or Eddie asking one of them to please stop trying to steal Casey/Buck away from me/the 118.

Casey making their way into Bosko’s life and staying there had actually done a lot to help sooth not so old wounds and get friendships get back on a new, healthier track which, looking back on it almost four years later, Buck was more than thankful for.

It had taken him some time to catch up, but eventually he’d come to understand the role Bosko played in Eddie’s life, how the bound they shared was different from the one he had with Buck, and how those relationships could co-exist; which had prompted him to stop feeling threatened by her and paved the way for a much more peaceful relationship between the two hothead.

“Hi Buck” Casey sighs, slumping onto the chair Eddie abandoned. “These two are going to be the death of me. Who knew the prospect of mariage would turn the most stern, down-to-earth persons we know into twittering bouncing balls?”

“Tell me about it” Chimney nods in agreement, his eyes widening as Bosko outright giggles at a picture Eddie is showing her on his phone. “It’s like they’ve been drugged. Or you’ve swapped identities with them like in Freaky Friday. Have you swapped identities with them like in Freaky Friday? Eddie? Eddie, can you hear me? Are you okay in there?” he jokes, leaning forward until his face is close enough to Buck’s and he smooches it in his hands. “Do you want me to save you? Off course you want me to save you. It must be terrible to be trapped in Buck’s body. All that muscle mass and none of those braincells. Tragic, really.”

“Oh, screw you, Chim” Buck rolls his eyes, batting his friend’s hands away. “I have plenty of braincells, thank you very much.”

“Yeah well, you see, that’s exactly what someone with no braincells would say.”

Casey bursts out into laughters and Buck pouts. “You’re such an asshole, asshole.”

Chimney grins. “Aww. Are you upset, Buckaroo? Did I make you upset? Should I call your big sister so you can complain?”

“She’ll probably tell him to suck it up and deal with it like an adult, right? I mean, that’s what I’d do if I were her” Bosko chimes in, making her way over to them. “Some people here need to learn there’s nothing cute about being a 200 pounds man-child” she adds, her hand coming to rest on Casey’s shoulder.

“Oy!” Buch blurts out, offended. He hears Eddie chuckle before he sees him.

The older man comes to stand next to him and runs a hand through his perfectly brushed hair, smiling softly. “I think it has its charm”. It’s barely there, but Buck doesn’t miss how his eyes are shining with more devotion one person could ever hold. He feels grounded by that look - at home.

“Exactly. People just can’t resist this” he states, pointing in the general direction of his entire body and smiling his one-thousand-watts Buck smile. “I’m pretty irresistible.”

Bosko rolls her eyes. “Ugh. If you like disgustingly sweet golden retrievers slash drama queens yeah, maybe. But i’m more of a strong-minded, sensible person kind of gal, not the whole overtly dramatic thingy involving tragic shouting and frequent near death experiences y’all got going on. You two are exhausting to watch and you’re not even dating.”

Eddie barks out a laugh and Buck wiggles his eyebrows playfully. “Wait until you see us in matching tuxedos” he says, and then he has to stop. “Wait, that’s why you’re here, right? To drop the official 118 invites to your wedding? Or did I badly misread that one?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time” Chim mumbles around a piece of pancake.

“Or the last” Eddie scoffs.

Buck flips them the finger. Eddie’s laughter then is music to his hears but there’s no way he’ll cave in and dignify this with an answer - or even a look.

Casey puts a reassuring hand on his and squeezes. “Yes, Buck, don’t worry. Off course the whole 118 is invited, we can’t wait to have you here”. They shakes their head. “Wedding should probably be firefighting themed at this point, considering the number of firefighters that will be here…”

“That’s an awesome idea!” Buck shouts at the same time as Eddie scowls: “That’s the worst idea possible.”

They stare at each other silently for a second before they start to bicker.

“Buck” Eddie warns, “we are not doing a firefighting-themed party. This isn’t Christopher’s birthday party we’re talking about!”

“But it doesn’t have to be childish! It can be colour themes and showing appreciation for our civil servants!”

“No!”

“I mean, you guys… It’s kind of not your choice to make though is it” Chimney tries to interject. It goes unnoticed.

“You’re only disagreeing with me because you know I’d make you wear the red tuxedo so I can wear the blue one cause I look better in blue than you do!”

“Oh come on, Buck! You know I look great in navy blue!”

“Off course you do but that’s beside the point, you…”

And just then, as Chimney is getting up, grumbling “Well, I think that’s my cue to leave”, the bell rings and the matter of knowing which one looks better in navy blue is left unresolved.

A week passes, that turns into a month, then two, then three. Summer is hell. Buck tries to stay with Chris as much as he can but he has to get back to work eventually and the boy is left alone with his pain and resentment. He doesn’t leave his room for two weeks, except for when Buck takes him to see Eddie. They go to the hospital as soon as he’s off during visiting hours and stay there until a member of the hospital staff has to almost drag them away. They don’t talk, Chris having locked himself into a muteness only he can understand the reasons of. Buck is at a loss for what to do.

On a twenty hours shift where Athena drops by the station he finds himself crying in Bobby’s arms, asking them for advice.

“He needs support” Athena tells him. “And if he won’t open up to you then you have to let him find his way by himself. The hardest part about being a parent is knowing when to step back in order to let them grow and experience this for themselves. I think Chris needs you to let him deal with his pain on his own.”

A couple of days later Hayley and Mike drop by and force him out of his bed. That evening he gets a call from Mike’s mother asking him if he’d mind if Chris stayed with them for a little while. “I think it would do him good, you know. To get out of your house. He looked happy to be spending time with his best friend.”

Buck almost cries with relief. “Yes, off course. Anything to take his mind off things. I don’t know how to thank you, I…”

“It’s no bother. We love Christopher. And you have so much on your plate, it’s the least we can do.”

“I… thank you”, he says again, breathlessly. When he comes to pick up Chris three weeks later he offers to fix their porch because he doesn’t know how else to handle the extent of his gratitude.

When September arrives they fight over Chris’s leaving for university. He refuses to go as long as Eddie hasn’t woken up. Buck is once again at a loss for what to do. He finds it’s happening more and more these days.

“You have to go, Chris! You can’t give up on your future like that. It’s not… it won’t achieve anything” he tries to convince him, desperate.

“I won’t go!” Chris shouts. He’s been shouting a lot lately. Buck’s reminded of his father ten years before, when he had all that anger and didn’t know what to do with it. He wonders if he’s good enough of a parent to help Chris find a healthy outlet or if he’ll fail him again like he failed them back then. “I won’t abandon him like that!”

“It’s what your father would have… it’s what he wants for you!” Buck growls back, catching himself before he can speak about Eddie like he’s already gone. He’s not.

“But he’s not there, is he? He’s in a coma!” Buck clenches his jaw, eyes ablaze with abrupt anger. “What he wants doesn’t matter anymore! I. Won’t. Leave!”

Buck clenches his fists. “I’m not giving you a choice, buddy. I won’t let you throw your life away like this.”

Chris’s sneer is full of bitterness and hurt. “You’re not my real dad, Buck. You don’t get to tell me what to do."

His eyes widen in shock as soon as the words are out of his mouth, as though he didn’t expect them to come out.

All the fight leaves Buck’s body and he collapses on the couch, feeling so breathless he thinks he might pass out. He stares blankly at the wall opposite him, Christopher’s words replaying into his mind again and again, each time more violent, each time more unbearable. And yet so true, a part of him can’t help but remind him.

“Buck… Pops. Pops, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Bucky, come on. Say something, anything. Yell at me if you want, I deserve it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was furious and hurt but I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it, I promise” Chris pleads, tears building up in his eyes.

“But you did” Buck whispers. He’s aching so much he thinks he might throw up. “You did” he repeats, taking his head into his hands. “And you’re right, I…”. His voice breaks. “I might have adopted you but no matter how much I try I’ll never…”

Chris slumps down on the couch next to him and takes his arm in his hands, shaking it. “No, Bucky, no! Don’t say that! I’m sorry! I love you, okay? I’m not right! I’m completely, awfully wrong! I only said it because I was mad at you and I wanted you to hurt as much as I do! It was cruel and it was mean and it was untrue! You’re my dad, you’ve been my dad for as long as I can remember, I’ve never thought about you any other way, even before mom died! You helped me with approximatively all of my biology and english papers and you taught me how to skate board. Hell, you even taught me how to talk to girls without getting all flustered and embarrassed! Papá probably would have killed me by now with his terrible cooking if you hadn't been there to cook for us when Pepa and abuelita couldn’t!” Buck scoffs at that. It catches in his throat and turns into a sob. “You’re the one who helped me pick out an outfit for my first date with Hayley, then the second, then the third! You’re the best pops anyone could have wish for. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Chris repeats, tears rolling down his face now.

“I’m sorry too” Buck replies. He’s crying too, which makes him laugh because really, this is all too much. Suddenly they’re both roaring with nervous laughter, unable to stop. They’re crying and they’re laughing and they can’t make sense of what’s happening but really, it’s okay, because they have each other.

Buck wipes his eyes, sobering up. Silence falls upon them, heavy and opaque like the polluted fog that surrounds L.A. even on its best days.

“You know…” he starts. Has to stop himself and swallow nervously before he tries again. “It’s always been my biggest fear when you came into my life. That you would slip away from me and remind me of what I can’t ever be to you.”

“Bucky, I…”

“Wait, let me finish”. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes before opening them again. “I was always expecting the moment you’d say something like that. Dreading it. In a way, I’m glad it happened. Cause now I can’t be afraid of it happening anymore. It’s said and done and now I know what it feels like to hear it.”

He pauses, wringing his hands anxiously. “I can’t… I won’t ever be your father, Chris. Not in that way. Not in the biological, penis-in-vagina (“uh, Buck! Gross!” Chris can’t help but giggle at that) sense at least. But Chris” he professes, his voice heavy with the weight of a promise, “the love I have for you is carved into my heart and that will never change. I have cared for you since the moment I met you and I have loved you like a son for almost as long. You and Eddie…” he falters there, but doesn’t stop, “you are my family. Maybe not by blood, but by heart. I need you to know that.”

“Pops… I know. You don’t have to prove yourself to me. I know. And papá… he knows, too. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. It doesn’t make up for it but I am really, deeply sorry”.

He falters there, so small all of a sudden, as though he’s eight again and lost in the midst of capricious waters. “I just… leaving feels like leaving him behind. How can I keep on with my life while he’s lying in a hospital bed? I can’t move on from him, Buck. Not like that. I… I can’t” he gulps, choking back new tears.

Buck takes him in his arms and kisses him tenderly on the top of his head. “Moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean moving on Chris. Or leaving him behind. Your father is still here, buddy” he states, pointing to their respective hearts. “And he’s not dead. He’s fighting, for us. For you. He wouldn’t want you to stop living because coming back to us has taken him longer than he thought it would.”

“I just feel awful, knowing he’s lying there yet still moving away to another state and pretend like everything is fine.”

Buck sighs. “I can’t force you to go. I don’t want to. But I’m telling you that you have the right to. That it won’t mean you have given up on him or that you are a terrible son. Only that you have the right to live the life you were meant to.”

Christopher takes his head in his hands. “Texas is so far away, Bucky. What do I do if... when he wakes up?”

“We’ll figure it out, I don’t know. You know I actually saved up a couple of dollars when I moved in with you guys. Probably enough to buy you half of a plane ticket” he jokes halfheartedly.

Chris shakes his head, chuckling. “You’re dumb, pops. Like, super dumb” he smirks.

Buck puts a hand on his chest, pretending to be offended. “Excuse you? Did you mean ‘you’re amazingly funny and incredibly smart and I love you a million times?’”

“You’re right. I love you a million times.”

Buck doesn’t start crying again. He doesn’t. And his heart doesn’t break a little when he takes Chris to the airport two weeks later and think about how Eddie would have been so proud of him if he’d been there with them. It doesn’t.

Buck kind of moves in without even noticing it. It’s his thirtieth birthday and they’re celebrating it at Eddie and Chris’s place when he realises he has more of his stuff here than he does at his place. He’s searching his own drawer for that nice pink sweater he loves because it goes so well with his eyes and lips when he realises - he barely has any clothes here now.

He knows, objectively, that some of them he’s left at his boyfriend’s. But he also knows it’s not that many because, for all the time he spends at Josh’s it’s not as much as he spends at his best friend’s. And so he goes in the kitchen and realises his plates are gathering dust in the drawers and most of his cooking utensils are at the Diaz’s. He remembers he started bringing them over there over time, noticing they were missing something and needing it for a new recipe they wanted to try with Christopher. He never bothered to bring them back because it got to the point, very fast, where he barely even cooked at his house anymore.

He picks up his phone and dials Eddie’s number. He has his contact saved but he knows it by heart.

The older man picks up on the second ring. “Buck! Where are you? Chris and I are waiting for you to start cooking!”. He can hear the laughter in the background, knows Chris is playfully getting everything out of the cupboards so they can bake for the whole afternoon.

“I don’t have anything to wear.”

“Oh, come on! Now is not the time to get all clothes crazy on us Buck. You know you’ll look amazing whatever you wear.”

“No I mean. I have nothing to wear because all of my nice clothes are at your place. Everything here is just old tea-shirts that don’t fit me anymore and some god-awful cargo pants that got me through college. Also, I think I’ve left most of my hair products at your place or Josh’s because I can’t find any of that creme I’ve been using for like, a year now -” and when did he start sleeping so frequently at Eddie’s or Josh’s his own home became so empty and well… stopped being his home altogether?

There’s a pause there, like Eddie is pondering something. “Well…”

“What?”

“Huh, never mind. Get your ass over there. We need to cook anyway, and you know how that gets, so it’s better if you put on your ‘nice clothes’, as you call them, once Chris and my kitchen are through with you” he says finally. “Hurry up, Chris’s growing impatient” he adds before hanging up.

Buck ponders at his phone before shrugging it off and putting on the cargo pants. He winces a bit at how uncomfortable his too-tight t-shirt makes him feel and is thankful nobody else but the Diaz will see him like this - he doesn’t even want to imagine what it’d have been like if he’d had to, let’s say, pick Christopher up from school and face all the soccer moms.

He shudders at the thought. Frankly, he’s more scared of them than he is of raging fires. He’s learned throughout the years that they’re much harder to put out.

He gets into his car and drives to their house, letting himself in when he gets there. Eddie’s in the garden, setting a huge table in the far left corner. There’s a banner hanging off the roof of the patio that reads ‘Happy 30th birthday Bucky! You’re almost a grandpa now!’ with the drawing of a cake he knows Chris has drawn with the pen brushes he got him for his birthday. As soon as Chris sees him he’s coming over to him and hugging him, his crutches falling on the floor as he does. Buck catches him and doesn’t let go, even though ten years old Chris is beginning to not be the same weight as eight years old Chris used to be. “Bucky! Finally! You took ages to get there! I know you’re an old man now but that’s not an excuse!”

“Hey!” Buck squeaks, falsely offended. “Watch your mouth there young man! Also, what’s going on with that banner? I’m not a grandpa!”

Chris beams at him. “Yeah pops, I know. That’s why it says ‘almost’.”

Buck opens and closes his mouth, trying to find a witty comeback that never comes. “I don’t like ten years old Chris much. Nine years old Chris was much better. I want a refund.”

“Ah. You’re just mad because I’m funnier than you.”

“Eddie!” Buck yells. “Chris is being super mean, do something!”

Eddie reenters the house, a smirk playing on his lips. “Buck, you’re a grown man. I think you can handle yourself.”

Chris starts giggling uncontrollably and Buck can’t help but smile. He loves them so much.

“Pff, you’re both terrible” he pouts, but they know he doesn’t mean it. “Anyways, let’s get to the cooking otherwise we’re never gonna be ready for when the guests arrive.”

Chris shouts happily as Eddie picks up his fallen crutches and gives them back to him. He gets moving toward the kitchen and gets there in record time. They watch him go, their eyes full of love, before Eddie turns to Buck. “Hello, birthday boy” he whispers fondly.

“Well hello back to you” he whispers back.

Eddie’s eyes twinkle with something else there and he leans forwards, dropping a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “Let’s get to it.”

They cook together for hours, the three of them - well Buck does most of the cooking, with Chris helping. Eddie helps by mostly staying out of the way and cleaning things up as they go - and then the guests arrive and everyone wants a piece of Buck to celebrate.

Josh shows up late after his shift and Buck’s face lit up even more. He feels even happier now, which he didn’t think was possible. He hugs his boyfriend and kisses him and drags him on the dance floor where he doesn’t let him go until Josh protests that he needs food otherwise he’s gonna faint. Buck takes his hand in his and brings him inside, into the kitchen.

“I saved you a plate just in case” he grins, and that’s such a Buck things to do, he knows, but still he’s surprised when Josh’s eyes glisten as he gazes at him in adoration.

“I love you” he states, and Buck’s smile is blinding.

“I love you too, Josh” he answers, pressing his hand.

It’s much later, when everyone is either dancing or enjoying a second piece of cake, that Eddie and Buck find each other alone again. Josh is talking animately with Maddie, a glass of wine in his hand.

Buck gets up from where he is sitting next to him and kisses them both on the cheek before making his way to where Eddie is leaning against the barrier surrounding the patio, watching over everyone quietly.

Buck leans in next to him. They stay like this for a little while, drinking in the calm happiness the sight of their family being there brings them.

“Thank you” he says after a little while.

Eddie throws a glance at him and takes a gulp of his beer. “What for?” he asks curiously.

Buck makes a vague hand gesture. “You know. For all this. For putting this together, for being there. For organising it at your place when you didn’t even have to and all the cleaning is probably gonna be yours to do in the morning.”

Eddie smirks. “If you think I’m going to let you off the hook and not help me with the cleaning you, sir, are gravely mistaken.”

Buck laughs wholeheartedly, bumping their shoulders together. “It’s my birthday! You can’t have me clean up my own birthday party now can you?”

Eddie’s smirk turns into a soft smile and his gaze finds Buck's. Its profoundness sobers the younger man up instantly. “You know, this is your home as much as it is ours” he mutters a bit shyly.

Buck’s eyes tear up. “Eddie…”

“Aww, don’t give me that look, Buck. You know it’s true”. He takes his hands in his, suddenly earnest. “It’s been your home for a long time now and you know it”. And then: “Move in with us. Officially. You’re here more often than not anyway. Most of your stuff is already either in my spare bedroom or my room, you said it yourself. You could have the spare room for when you need your space, or if Josh wants to come over, and we could sleep together whenever we want to. That would cut both of our rents in half and we’d save up on gaz when we go to work together. Chris would be ecstatic. I would be ecstatic.”

Buck stares at him, dumbfounded. “I… I mean… Are you really sure about this?”

Eddie squeezes his hands. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. We love you, Evan. We both want you here, with us. And it would work out, too. I know it would because it already is working out. We’re already a family. That’s just the logical step from here.”

Buck is full-on crying now, like the big softie he is. He can’t help it, though. His chest is bursting with a thousand of emotions so intense he wonders how they’re not pouring out of him in millions of beams of colours. He feels so much happiness and gratitude and incredulity at how lucky he is to have found them, his family, that he doesn’t know what to do with it. If he could see them he thinks they’d fill up the whole sky.

“I… Wow. I love you, Eddie. And Chris too. Obviously. And I’m so happy. But before I can say yes I want to talk it over with Josh, alright? I need to be sure he understands this wouldn’t mean our relationship doesn’t have its own place right alongside this.”

Eddie nods. He lets go of his hands only to cup his face in his and bring their brows together. “Off course, Buck. Take all the time you need.”

Buck closes his eyes. “Thank you”. He hesitates. They haven’t done what he’s about to ask for a while - since a bit before he got together with Josh, truth be told - but he wants to right now. “Can we kiss?”

Eddie smiles broadly. “Yes” he breathes out.

So Buck leans in and brings their mouths together in a kiss that’s more of a promise, really. A promise of unconditional love, of shared mornings spent building a life together and quiet nights holding on to each other through the pain and trauma their work brings.

Chris has been gone for two weeks when Buck’s world comes crashing down a little bit more.

Bobby gets badly hurt on a call and has to be decommissioned for at least a month, maybe even longer. More than that, Buck is left with the sour memory of watching him disappear under the roof of a crumbling building and is reminded of all those times he couldn’t help either of them. He’s reminded of all those times he failed them through the years, losing the people he loves the most to the water, to mud or to crumbling buildings. He wishes he had been the one getting pulled under each time.

He’s restless, unable to sleep. So he gets into his truck and he drives to the hospital.

The on-call nurse doesn’t even try to stop him when she sees him cross the doors of the hospital wing in which Eddie is kept. She’s gotten used to the fact that on the couple of times he’s decided to not respect the visiting hours, nothing short of calling the cops will stop him. He knows he shouldn’t act like that, that they have other things on their plates. But he has lost everything that grounds him and he can’t handle it anymore.

He stumbles inside Eddie’s room like a drunken man and goes still, taking in the sight before him. He’s been coming there everyday, and yet each time his heart breaks seeing Eddie lying there, with ashen skin and salient cheekbones. He’s never been so thin. Buck is terrified of touching him for fear of breaking him in two.

He crumbles down on the chair next to the bed and lays his head next to where Eddie’s arm is resting, motionless. Silent sobs shake his body but his tears won’t come out.

“I need you to come back to me. Please, Eddie. Come back to me. I can’t… I can’t do this without you.”

It’s been three months and he didn’t think he could spiral down even further but Chris going away has taken its toll and Bobby's accident is the last straw.

Buck’s loneliness weight heavier on him than it has in a really, really long time. It’s so suffocating he wonders how he still manages to breath.

“You promised, Eddie” he mumbles, his voice rattling. “We were supposed to go to Sweden together once Chris had graduated. We were supposed to arrange the garden to grow zucchini and eggplants because you’re adamant I teach you how to cook ratatouille, even though we both know that won’t end well. And we were supposed to go pick Chris up at the airport together for Thanksgiving. He’s flying back on the 29th. You have to be there. Please. We’re a team. I need you back. I need my partner back.”

The silence that answers him weights heavy on him. He wants to pretend it’s not there. Wants to pretend he can hear his voice. Wants to pretend that when he’ll look up Eddie will be looking right back at him with his lopsided grin and that open, fond expression that’s saved away only for Buck to find.

But the silence is never broken. When he looks up there’s no grin nor amused and affectionate gaze.

Buck sighs and rubs his face, feeling sore in a way that’s more emotional than physical. Then he takes a big breath and clutches Eddie’s hand in his.

“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot, lately. About us. About the ten years we’ve spent together. Ten years, can you imagine, Eddie? When we met, I never thought… I never hoped anyone would stick with me for more than a couple of months, really. People always ended up leaving, didn’t they? Maddie did. Abby did. But… You stayed. You, the 118… You didn’t give up on me. You forgave me when I fucked up, accepted my shortcomings. You listened to me when I finally opened up about my fears and took it upon yourself to make amend for the times you’d fed them even though I was adamant that you hadn’t done anything wrong and that you couldn’t be held responsible for my trauma. Remember what you told me when I finally opened up about that time you told me I was exhausting and I immediately tried to downplay it like it was nothing? You looked at me right in the eyes with that no-nonsense look of yours and told me to never diminish myself for fear of incommoding others. You told me I had a right to my emotions and that I should never, ever have to hide how someone’s behaviour made me feel, especially if they were clearly in the wrong and should have realised how hurtful their words were to me. You didn’t even give me a chance to protest before you apologised and swore you'd help me heal. You told me that having me in your life was one of the best thing that have ever happened to you and that you’d keep repeating it until I believed it.”

His voice falters. He closes his eyes. Focuses on the feeling of Eddie’s fingers in his. “I never told you but… One day I realised I believed you, Eddie. It was what? Two years later? It was a bit after that thirtieth birthday party I think. You know the one where you asked me to move in with you? Anyway, I was baking a cake and I had dough all over my nose. You reached out to swipe it away then tried to taste it right from the bowl. I batted your hand away and you laughed. It’s not that I’d never heard your laugh before. But in that moment it felt so much like home that it struck me. You’d kept your end of the bargain. You’d proved to me that I fit in your life in a way that meant you’d never let go. And then I reached out for you and you met me right there. It was the first time we made love, wasn’t it? When it was over and we were lying in your bed together, the sun setting outside, we laughed about it because it felt as though it was something we’d been meant to be doing forever. Best friends who kissed and made love but weren’t ‘together’ together. Most people never quite understood that, did they? I think Hen and Maddie do though, to some extent."

He takes another deep breath and feels his shoulders relaxing slightly. “I’ve been thinking about the first time we met, too. God, I was such an asshole to you. Pushing your buttons. But you never took the bait. You kept that calm, composed attitude throughout all my tantrums. Jesus, it was so infuriating. You were so infuriating. Should have known then you’d end up being one of the most important people in my life. Think I knew, somehow. Tried to break it before it could be made for fear of losing something good even before it could exist.”

He runs a hand along Eddie’s arm. His skin is still soft to the touch. Familiar. “I’ve been thinking about all those memories with you. That time we built a skateboard for Christopher. That time when you asked me be your date at your sister's wedding. When you asked me to adopt Chris. When we finally got the paperwork back. All of those memories. So common, so uneventful compared to the incredible things we’ve seen and done on the job. Yet it’s those ones I find marvellous, Eddie. Those quiet, familiar moments we shared. When I think of you I don’t only see my partner at work. I see my partner in life.”

He breathes in again. Eddie still smells of himself somehow, behind the mandatory hospital room scent. “Ten years. God, Eddie. Is it selfish of me to ask for more? I should be grateful for the time I got to spend with you, right? But it’s not enough. A lifetime of you and Christopher won’t even be enough. Is it selfish of me? Is it selfish to want to make more memories, to want more, to ask for more?” he asks rhetorically, to the empty room.

But then.

“I don’t think it is” a deep, broken voice grunts.

Buck’s head shoots up so fast he almost gives himself whiplash. He doesn’t care.

“E… Eddie” he gasps. His heart speeds up. His mind breaks down.

His hand finds the other man’s face before he even knows what he’s doing. It touches the soft skin reverently, almost as though it’s afraid of breaking it or of realising this is not real and he's dreaming if he presses to hard.

“Eddie” he repeats. “Eddie.”

“Buck” the other man replies with the ghost of a grin. He tries to sit up and flinches. Buck’s brain hardwires again.

“Don’t… Don’t do anything. Your body hasn’t moved in three months. I’m calling a nurse. Oh my God, I… I need to call a nurse.”

Eddie grasps his hand as he’s getting up frantically. “Wa… Wait. Buck. Wait” he says faintly. The younger man hesitates, already halfway up. “Please” Eddie pleads weakly.

Buck frowns and bits his lips, unsure. Eventually he relents under Eddie’s imploring gaze and sits back down. As he does so his brain short circuits again and his breath catches in his throat. “Eddie. Eddie. You’re awake. You’re awake.”

A sob shakes his entire body and it gives out. His upper body crashes onto the mattress and he buries his head into Eddie’s torso. “You’re awake, you’re awake, you’re awake” he keeps saying over and over, like a mantra he has to hear again and again until he can believe it.

He feels a hand brush his hair. “Yes, I am. It took a bit of a detour but I got there eventually.”

Buck tries to breath but fails. “Eddie. Eddie. I was so scared. I was so scared you wouldn’t come back to me. I was so scared I wouldn’t be strong enough, that I’d lose hope eventually. Oh my God. You’re awake.”

“Buck” he says, griping his chin gently inbetween his fingers so that Buck is facing up to him. He smiles tenderly at him. “I’ll always find my way back to you and Christopher. Always.”

Buck lets out another sob. His whole body shudders and he lets himself fall into Eddie’s body, feel the heat of his body from where he’s lodged himself against his collarbone. He didn’t know it was possible to feel so much relief and so much grief all at once.

“Oh, God. Christopher. Christopher. I need to tell him. I need… I need to call him. He’s going to be so happy, Eddie. He’s going to be… oh my God.”

Eddie takes both his hands in his this time and squeezes as though he’s scared they’ll disappear from his grasps if he doesn’t. “Shh… It’s okay. Let’s call him once you’ve calmed down a bit, yeah? You’re going to scare the hell out of him otherwise”. And then: “You kept him safe”. It is said softly, almost reverently. Buck barely catches it.

He chuckles. Almost chokes on his own tears. “Yes, I did. Off course I did. I’m his pops, remember? I wouldn’t have done anything else.”

Eddie squeezes his hands again. It’s weak but it’s here. “Thank you”. And then: “I love you.”

“I love you too Eddie. God, I love you so, so much”. Buck is crying so hard now he can’t even see him properly. “Oh, for fuck’s sake” he blurts out, trying to dry his tears. There’s snot everywhere. “I’m such a mess.”

“It’s okay” Eddie mutters tenderly. “At least you’re still in good shape” he jokes, scowling at his now feeble arms. “I can’t believe this. I look like I have chicken legs for arms.”

A snort escapes Buck’s mouth. “Well this year I’ll be calendar man for sure. I mean, I was always in better shape than you but, you know.”

“Asshole”. Eddie punches him weakly on the arm. “I’ve carried you enough time into my bedroom for you to know that’s not true.”

Buck chuckles, blushing slightly. “Shh. You should stop talking. Wouldn’t want to over exhaust you now, would we?”

“Sounds to me like you’re trying to deflect the conversation because you know I’m right.”

“That’s it. I’m calling a nurse on you. Your meds are clearly making you spout nonsense”. Technically he hasn't been on meds for months but well. He doesn't need to know that.

Eddie barks out a laugh. He grabs Buck by the collar and pulls him in. “You wish, Evan Buckley” he grins, his face so close Buck can almost taste him. The hand that’s not gripping his collar comes to cup his cheek. “I’ve missed you. It’s weird how even though I wasn’t awake I can still feel the longing and the absence. I’ve missed you.”

Buck closes his eyes and leans in Eddie’s hand, the feeling of his skin against his a warm, wonderful thing. He feels as though he’s finally made it home again after having been adrift for months. “I missed you too, Eddie”. When he opens his eyes again the other man is already staring at him closely.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

Buck’s hand finds the one that’s still clutching flimsily at his shirt and he intertwines their fingers together. “Yes” he mutters softly.

Eddie doesn’t need to be told twice. And that kiss? Oh, that kiss says welcome home. It says, you will always belong in my heart; I carved a space big enough there to build an eternity with you.