Work Text:
The phone in the hallway rang.
I raised my eyes from the magazine I was reading, surprised.
Listening carefully, I could hear the sound of my mother laughing through the gap in my doorway.
“Huh…”
It wasn't for me.
I turned my attention back to the magazine, muttering.
I knew it wasn't for me, but my heart was still pounding. It was amazing how much a simple phone call could mess with my feelings.
“I’ll call again.”
Gii’s voice from the night before still lingered in my ear.
“Is that okay?” Gii continued, reserved.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I tried to hide my real feelings.
My heart was still pounding from hearing Gii’s voice come out of the receiver. That low, sweet tone. It was painful, hearing it, like it was whispering in his ear.
Was that what his voice sounded like?
I had never realized, even though I saw him every day in our dorm room, in the classroom, and around the school.
“Bye,” Gii prepared to hang up.
“Yeah.”
“What is it?”
“Ah, oh. Nothing.”
I didn't have anything else to say, or ask. I just wanted to hear his voice a little longer.
But I couldn't say that.
It felt like they were two awkward new lovers, talking for the first time.
“I see,” Gii said.
“Yeah,” I replied shortly.
“Talk to you later.”
“Yeah. Later.”
I hung up the phone.
I had just gotten home to my hometown of Shizuoka for the measly three days off in a row we got for this year’s Golden Week vacation.
The conversations between me and my parents, who I hadn’t seen in a month, were more awkward than between Gii and I. The wounds in my heart had created a shield around my feelings.
“Even now.”
Every time he thought about them, he felt suffocated. As he closed the magazine in an attempt to distract himself, a small knock came at his door.
“Takumi. The phone,” his mother said, opening his door. “From someone named Saki.”
Eh!?
My heart clenched.
“I’m coming,” I replied purposely calmly, turning to the door, then waited until I could hear my mother go down the stairs before I left my room.
I headed to the stand by the front door and picked up the telephone receiver from where it had been left off the hook.
“Hello?”
Ah, Gii.
“Hi. Are you doing good?”
Gii’s bright, but still somewhat awkward-sounding voice came through the receiver.
“I’m good. And you?”
“I’m okay, I guess. More importantly, it seems I was on call waiting. Is your mom okay being interrupted?”
“Eh? She didn’t say anything.”
“I’m sorry for interrupting, anyway.”
Now that he mentioned it.
His mom seemed to have been laughing on the phone with a friend.
“I’ll tell her later.”
“Thanks. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not that I interrupted.”
“Why?”
“For example, if I was talking on the phone with you, Takumi, and another call came through, no matter how much fun we were having talking, we would be interrupted, right? Like someone was interfering with our date.”
“Ah.”
I guessed that was one way to think about it.
“So, will you meet me?”
“Eh….?”
“Let’s meet, Takumi.”
“Why so suddenly…”
“You don’t want to see me?”
I didn’t reply for a moment.
My true feelings felt like they were going to come flying out of my throat, so I shut my mouth tightly.
I had to hide them from Gii. I didn’t know what would happen if I said them out loud.
“I see… You don’t want to see me,” Gii decided. “That’s right. We just saw each other at Shidou yesterday morning. It’s not like you miss me.”
I’m sorry if I hurt you, Gii.
I closed my eyes and gripped the phone receiver tightly.
“There are a lot of things I have to do, so I can’t really leave the house. It’s not that I don’t want to see you, Gii.”
“Don’t force yourself. We’ll see each other at school soon, anyway. I’m just impatient. Sorry, Takumi.”
Don’t apologize, Gii.
“The phone is okay, though, right?”
“Eh…”
“It’s alright if I call you, right?”
“Gii.”
“Let me do that much,” Gii pouted.
I laughed.
“You finally laughed,” the voice said over the phone. “Last night and just now, your voice had me worried that something had happened at home.”
I clenched my teeth involuntarily.
Gii was very intuitive. He could tell that just being in this house was messing with me.
“Nothing happened. I’m just tired.”
“I see,” Gii accepted lightly. “I’d rather you were laughing, in any case. Yeah?”
“Gii.”
“I love you,” he whispered, and I closed my eyes again.
Hey, Gii. I had never thought that I could ever like someone so much that I couldn’t express my emotions like this.
“I’ll be able to see you at school in just three more days. I’ll be good and wait,” Gii laughed. “Talk to you later.”
He hung up.
I held the receiver to my ear to my ear still, listening to the dial tone.
I love you. I love you, Gii.
“I miss you, Gii.”
So much it hurt.
I liked him, so that’s why I couldn't tell him. I wasn’t brave enough to expose under the sun what I had been hiding in the fog for so long.
“I don’t want you to know.”
You’re the only one I don’t want to know. I don’t want you to know just how unworthy of your love I am.
But even so…
I hung up the phone.
“Is it alright to hide my past, hide everything, and go out with you anyway?”
Of course it wasn’t. He’d find out, sooner or later, if they kept seeing each other. What would Gii do when he found out? What would happen to me?
Suddenly, the phone rang.
I picked it up, automatically.
“Hello, this is Hayama.”
“Sorry. It’s me.”
“Gii!?”
“I had a little time, and I might not be able to call you tomorrow, so I wanted to talk to you some more tonight. If it’s not a bother.”
It’s not a bother.
“During summer vacation,” Gii’s bright voice broke through my silence.
“Hm?”
“Let’s go on a date. I want to see you outside of school.”
“That’s weird, Gii.”
“Is it? Weird?”
“It doesn't matter where we see each other.”
“That’s not true. Different place, different product, as they say. You can see a different side of people, and maybe learn something interesting.”
“You really are a great guy, aren’t you?”
“Eh?”
“Ah.”
“I think that’s the first time you've complimented me, Takumi.”
“Wh..what of it?”
“I’m pretty flustered, really.”
“What the… Gii!”
I was the one who was flustered!
“But I’m happy. Calling you was definitely worth it.”
“...”
“I look forward to seeing you again.”
“I don’t!”
“Your ‘no’ means ‘yes’, so good.”
“Gii, don’t just make things up!”
“Bye, take care.”
“Gii!”
He hung up, completely ignoring my reply.
“Meanie,” I laughed lightly, hanging up the receiver.
I glanced back at the phone as I was climbing back up the stairs to my room.
“That second phone call….”
Gii had really good intuition. Maybe…
My eyes burned as I realized.
“It’s fine. Probably.”
It was fine to fall in love with him. He always tried his best, and like now, he was able to understand the feelings that I couldn’t express.
“Let’s go on a date sometime, Gii.”
I wanted to return his feelings. I wanted to do my best for him, who always gave me his best.
*****
God, give me the strength. The bravery to be open, and tell Gii everything.