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0.0
his name is tanaka, and in nene's eyes he's like a dream come true, a miracle.
aoi is constantly telling her he's a dick, overrated, and pretends he's not there whenever he passes by them in the hallways, but everyone in their class always sighs whenever they see him, and the teachers like him because he's well-mannered and has high marks in most subjects.
his eyes always gloss over her, like he can't see her at all, like she's a ghost, and she wonders about how wonderful it would be if she managed to get his attention. how wonderful it would be to be by his side and be seen and considered as extraordinary as him.
she asks aoi to borrow her sewing and cooking books, and if she can join her gardening club. she starts growing her hair out.
1.0
tanaka rejects her. she knew he would, she knew the whole time, she knew every time she attempted to bake something and not set it on fire, every time she looked at the mirror and she got the urge to cut her hair. but she was so occupied thinking of the comments and looks they would get that she hadn't realized of how unlikely it was that they'd start going out.
she tells aoi and they agree to have a sleepover. they watch horror movies for hours, and nene doesn't even like horror movies but they're the complete opposite of a romcom and that's enough to distract her.
1.5
one day she's walking down the stairs after classes are over and she just finished cleaning her classroom and she's exhausted, and maybe that's why she slips and starts falling forward and she thinks am i going to die? but then there's an arm grabbing hers and pulling her back against their chest and she looks up and she can see the sky except no it's actually a pair of blue eyes―
“you should be more careful, miss.” teru minamoto tells her with a sweet smile, and her face bursts into flames and he's gone before she can thank him or say anything at all. but she could've sworn he looked an angel, and maybe he's the real miracle she'd been waiting for, bright and shining like a star, maybe he's the one who can turn her into something special and let her forget about tanaka―
1.7
hanako is the one who makes her realize there are no extraordinary or heaven-sent boys, just her and a hole where her heart should be. one day he starts pointing out her flaws and she feels her eyes sting, but then he starts pointing out her virtues and she feels them sting for an entirely different reason, and he looks dumbfounded and then he's blushing because she's hugging him but she doesn't let go, so he eventually hugs her back and they just stay like that.
2.0
nene hides the knife mei has given her in her backpocket. her hands shake at the simple thought of using it, but she can't stop thinking about aoi-chan and akane-kun crumbling in front of her like cheap statues, about her classmates' relieved laugh, about how messed up this world is, about how hanako-kun's familiarly cold presence didn't exist here anymore, replaced by an ordinary, fake, warm version of himself. it's like her brain is going overdrive, whereshanakokunwhatsgoingwhatamisupposedtowhyamiherehowdoigetoutofhereistheretrulynootherwaytoleave― and somewhere inbetween all these interwoven thoughts, she realizes.
she's not going to see hanako-kun again.
she's not going to see her true family, friends and classmates again.
she's not going to clean the bathrooms and watch hanako-kun play cards with the mokke again.
she's not going to graduate and go to the cinema with aoi-chan again.
she's― she's―
she has to kill amane-kun and mitsuba-kun.
2.5
they're both sitting on the rooftop, stargazing. nene looks at where amane-kun is pointing. she can't fully understand his excitement, but his eyes are shining just like hanako's, and it makes her eyes sting. the knife is in her bag now, and it's like it has a conscience of its own telling her usemeusemestabhimstabhimhesjustafakedontyouwanttoleavethisfakeworldandseehimagain―
but the wind breeze runs through amane's dark and choppy (?) hair, (and suddenly it's not night anymore, the sun is just starting to set in, she's standing under the school's sakura tree, and the wind breeze runs through hanako's hair, and hanako turns towards her and smiles) and amane turns towards her and smiles, and now it's just them and no one else, and she tells him― let's run away together to the real world.
3.0
“i'm going to save you, yashiro.”
he's caressing her hair and he's hugging her and the familiar coldness is back, but he's not hanako-kun. she's in a cell and he just locked her in there, and hanako-kun would never do that. somewhere inbetween the clock keepers case and the loveletter, the hanako-kun she knew ceased to exist, or he didn't exist in the first place. his gaze is warm like always, but it's so much darker. hanako-kun must be hiding somewhere in between those shadows, but she doesn't know how to get him back.
4.0
she starts avoiding him. she thinks of the knife she had hidden in her bag, of what she wanted to do with it, of the knife he always carries around, of what he's done with it and what he could do with it again. she's being hypocritical, but she's scared of how little she knows about him, of him finding another way to “keep her safe” and not asking her what she wants, of him locking her up again or doing something even worse.
she starts going to the rooftop and the old building less often, and starts eating lunch with aoi and akane. the boy might have gained temporary supernatural powers, but him and aoi are humans, and they look so normal and the three of them have been friends for so long she feels safe with them around.
but the three of them have grown a bit distant, each one of them carrying their own baggage and secrets, and nene can't even tell them about how often she cries in her pillow at night, missing her old life and not knowing about her lifespan, of how she's starting to regret knocking on that door, all because of a stupid feeling that she had mistaken as a crush and that she knew deep down was never going to be mutual.
4.5
one day she notices there's a hole in her uniform and pulls out her sewing kit. she hasn't touched it since getting rejected, so opening again it fills her with bittersweet memories.
she's gotten rusty since then and her hands are clumsy and shaking and she cuts herself with the scissors when she picks them up to cut the string, so she opens the bathroom's cabinet to find a bandaid and when she's done she stares at herself in the mirror, and stares, and stares. her hair is getting too long, she notices, she has to go to the hairdresser to trim it at least a little.
she thinks of when she was 14 and she had short hair and she had no idea who tanaka was because he hadn't moved in their school yet and he hadn't broken her heart yet and she hadn't knocked on that stall door yet― and before she realizes it she's grabbing the scissors and cutting her hair off until it reaches her shoulders and suddenly it's like she's in control of herself again and there are no boys pretending they know what she deserves or what she should do or how she should spend the little time she has left.
her mom is furious when she goes downstairs for dinner and sees what she's done, and tells her they're going to the hairdresser the next day to fix it.
5.0
she knocks on the stall door with shaky hands and waits.
one, two, three, four, and then―
nothing. nothing happens. she doesn't feel any hands resting on her shoulders, or his voice complaining about her skipping on cleaning toilets. there's dust and dirt and everywhere, and everything looks much more abandoned and miserable since she stopped coming.
“i'm sorry i started avoiding you out of the blue.” she rests her hands on the door, and prays he's listening to her, on the other side. “believe, i never meant to. but i- i- i just couldn't see you after what happened. i'm scared of you, hanako-kun. i don't even know if you're still the same person i know. hanako-kun would've told me, he would've asked me what i wanted, he wouldn't have locked me up―” now there are tears running down on her face and she can't breathe, and he's in front of her and he hugs her until the tears stop and the sobs turn into hiccups.
he doesn't say anything, he just holds her and plays with her hair. they're sitting on the floor and it's really dirty but she's gone through worse. they watch the sunset's orange light filtrating through the glass but don't say anything for a good while, until he breaks the silence.
“i'm sorry too. i should've never assumed to know what's best for you. i guess a part of me wanted to give you what i didn't and will never have.”
this apology is not enough, and they both know it, but it's a start. she grabs his hand and turns to look at him.
“this is my life, not yours. i want you to be a part on it, not control it. if you want to make my wish come true, you're going to find a way with me. can you promise me this?”
she sees the hesitation in his eyes, the reluctance to let someone help him, and she thinks of letting go of his hand and walking away, but his eyes are shining again and they don't look like tsukasa's anymore, and then he smiles a bit and intertwines his fingers with her.
“i promise.”