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Izumi Tachibana. The only female I developed a strong bond with in my 24 years of living.
At first, I only saw her as Mankai Company's director and nothing more than that. She was a rather meddlesome acquaintance and I find that trait of her a real bother.
But who knew that her meddlesome trait had the power to shape my life?
Besides my family, she was the only person who truly accepted me. She had been by my side all this time. She had seen me at my best and worst. I put on a mask to face society and she was the first person to see through my facade.
I desperately tried to hide my uncool side. I distanced myself from everyone. I would always lock the door to my room, ensuring that no one else would enter and I would be able to peacefully enjoy my little dull, boring world.
I sealed it shut, and yet, she still found a way to barge in. Inside my room. Into my world. The moment she stepped in, my life changed. It was as if she had destroyed the chains that I'm bound to. It was as if she had taken my mask and disintegrated it. It was as if she opened the door. The door to my heart.
Her compassion made me question myself.
Maybe I'm really not a failure of a human being I believe myself to be? Maybe if I learn to trust her, she'll do the same to me? Maybe if I show her my uncool side, she'll accept me?
My head was flooded with thoughts of "Maybe".
But what if she judges me? What if she finds me foolish and loses interest? What if she doesn't trust me in return and rejects my kindness?
My thoughts of "Maybe" were soon clouded with thoughts of "What If".
There's only one way to find out. That is, through gambling. I am willing to set aside my assumptions and take a big risk. If I lose, then it's game over. I'll pick my mask up and lock my room again. If I win, well, who knows what will happen? Will I change for good? Will I start trusting people again? There's a 50-50 chance.
I rolled the dice.
And guess what?
I won the game.
Actually, no.
This is just where the game starts.
And so it did.
I showed her my maskless face. I welcomed her into my life with open arms. I warmed up to her. I placed my trust on her—thankfully, she did the same. We shared interests, experiences, and laughs together. Our interactions grew and I felt as if our connection had deepened each time. She was not just a friend to me, but rather, a family.
Or so I thought.
I uncovered a new feeling within me. A feeling that had the power to cause both joy and sorrow.
Romantic feelings.
I doubted myself countless times. I know damn well that romance is unbefitting of a loser like me. Before I knew it, I found myself being wary around her. I even became overly conscious of my appearance to her. Everytime I'm in her presence, my heart beats irregularly fast and my face slightly heats up.
Maybe my fast heart rate is actually a serious heart disease? Maybe the blood rushing to my face is actually just fever?
Another sea of Maybe's came flowing down my thoughts.
No, I have to accept it. I HAD to accept it. I won't allow any "What If" thoughts to crowd my mind.
I, Itaru Chigasaki, have feelings for Izumi Tachibana.
I won't go back to my old, reclusive self. I will face my feelings head on and learn to take even greater risks. I want to believe that I have a chance with her. I want to believe that she will welcome me into a new chapter of her life.
I know that just positivity won't get me anywhere. I need to actually be worthy of her. I need to prove that I'm deserving of her love. But before all of that, I have to make her see me as a man.
I can't bring myself to confess just yet. I need to prove my worth and make her love me—is the excuse I subconsciously thought of.
That's right. I'm not the type to think like this. It's painfully obvious that I only made up these reasons to escape the fact that I need to properly convey my feelings to her. I'm not prepared for this. I don't have the guts to confess to her.
What if she only sees me as a friend? What if she rejects me? What if things get awkward between us and we become distant to each other? What if things go back the way they were before? What if I shut myself again?
There it goes. The great wave of "What Ifs". The wave that corrupted my thoughts and made me take a step back, closer to my past self.
I was afraid of rejection. A big part of me badly wanted to take a risk again, but I couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. I don't have good memories with rejection and I don't want history to repeat itself. At the end, I'm just the same weak and lame Itaru Chigasaki.
Our same old friendship continued on.
I buried these feelings inside of me, leaving no trace behind.
I won't take the risk anymore.
Now it's just a fleeting, undiscovered love that caused me nothing but pain.
Izumi, I hope that we maintain our strong friendship for an eternity. I pray that you find someone you'd happily share a love and a life with. When that time comes, I'd be smiling beside you, cheering you on.
I also have a selfish wish.
In my next life, I want to be with you. Not as a supporter, but rather, as your partner. Will that time ever come? If it does, then please, accept my love.