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If there was one thing Dean loved more than the people he chose to surround himself with, it was midnight burgers. There was just something about sitting on the trunk of his baby in a dark, empty parking lot, watching the neon lights reflect off the pavement, and chowing down on a couple of bacon double cheeseburgers. If he was one of those west coast hipsters he’d call it ethereal, or dreamy, or new age grunge, or some other equally artsy, indie bullshit. Instead, he called it peaceful. Or, at least, it would be if sitting next to him wasn’t a pair of bright, blue eyes staring into his soul.
“Cas, you, uh…you good, man? You need something?” Dean wiped at the grease that was surely covering the lower half of his face, feeling self-conscious in a way he hadn’t since he was a child.
“There are a lot of things I need to say to you, Dean Winchester.” Yeah. And Dean had a feeling he knew what each and every one of those things were.
“Alright then, Cas, shoot.” Dean wiped his hands on the legs of his pants, whether it was the grease from the burger, or the nervous sweat, he wasn’t sure.
“It’s kind of funny in a way,” Cas began. “I know every single work of every single language ever created, and I can never find the right words to say to you.”
“I, uh, get the same way sometimes, too.” The with you was heavily implied but Dean had a feeling Cas knew what he meant. He always seemed to, in any case. Dean wasn’t sure what it was, maybe the blue-white light of the neon sign reflecting off Cas’ face, and softly glaring all around them, or maybe it was the emptiness of the parking lot that seemed to stretch on for miles, or maybe it was just being there with him that was putting Dean at ease, but it had him wanting to say things he normally wouldn’t--not even to himself.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, Dean.” Cas, finally, was no longer staring at him, but instead was toying with a stray thread on the sleeve of his coat. Dean wasn’t sure whether or not it made things easier.
“Yeah, Cas, I know.” There was no point in lying, anymore. Not when it was just the two of them, finally alone together, after such a long time of Dean specifically trying to avoid that.
“And I know you know.” Cas chuckled a bit. It still amazed Dean how many small habits Cas had picked up over time that made him seem so human.
“Cas, man, I…”
“It’s okay, Dean. You don’t have to say anything you aren’t ready to. I just needed to say it.”
“But how do you know, though, Cas? How do you know that this isn’t just some weird, cosmic, brotherly bond type shit?”
And Dean needed to know. Before he broke his own heart by letting himself fall in love with someone who didn’t know what love was.
“I’ve always known, Dean.” His voice was soothing in all the ways it shouldn’t be. It was rough and deep, maybe even a bit harsh in a way, almost like water rushing over rocks at the edge of a cliff. “I’ve known since I raised you from the pit and kissed every freckle back onto your skin when I rebuilt you. It’s always been there.”
And Dean didn’t like that answer. He wanted--no, he needed something more concrete. Not some ‘I was created by my father in heaven to love you’ bullshit. It wasn’t real. All of which Dean almost said until Cas began speaking again.
“And I know I fell in love with you, sitting in this car, watching you and Sam nod your heads along to the beat of music I will never understand. Watching the sun light dance along the freckles I so carefully placed along your cheeks. Sitting in those horrible diners you love so much, and gorging yourself on food that’s horrible for you. I’ve always known I loved you, Dean. I do believe I was created to love you, but it took me more time than I care to admit to fall in love with you, and to know what that meant.” They were silent for a few moments, Dean processing what was said to him, and Cas seemingly searching for his next words. The parking lot was still empty, and the neon sign still flickered above them. Finally, Cas started again. “There was never one defining moment. It was more the cumulation of a thousand other, equally wondrous moments with you.”
And for Dean, that was it. That was all he’d ever wanted to hear Cas say to him. Cas finally turned back to look at him, and gave him a small smile. “You are loved, Dean. Completely and unconditionally.”
Dean wasn’t very good with words. Not like Sam, and especially not like Cas. He could never string together the right combination to convince people of anything, like Sam could, and he couldn’t fill people with beautiful, flowery language, but with such sincerity that you had no choice to believe them, like Cas could. All Dean could muster up, with a blush he only hoped that the darkness would hide, was a, “You too, Cas. So are you.”
And it was nowhere good enough, or anywhere near enough, but it would do. At least for now.