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In a couple of years, I’ll be so sure, just you wait
Aster had said it, though she was already pretty sure
Ellie was someone who sparked her interest, had made her feel something in this dead backwater town, fully imbued with the familial and societal pressure
“Mija, just do as you told” she could hear her father say, everyday, when she left for school, came back from school, after every shift of annoying customers who were there just to order the most mediocre form of taco.
She did well in school, but no one cared. They only ever saw her for her pretty face, well formed figure, beautiful singing voice, and never really listened to her. Not even the boyfriend, who had claimed her like some kind of lower-class trophy, like he was doing a favour dating her. Enter Paul, dopey but lovable butcher boy, writing intricate letters out of some goddamn romance novel, but the face didn’t match the contents. She was already suspicious then, and saw that he was suddenly best friends with the smart Chinese girl, the organist, the lone wolf ghostwriter that was the reason the school’s grade point average wasn’t in the lowest in the region. I’m Ellie Chu, she said to her, as if Aster didn’t know who she was, her father’s favourite organist and non-believer, even for someone going to hell, she could sure play the hell out of that instrument. She felt her cynical stares from upstairs the church on her back, secretly wishing she could look at her to confirm something.
Aster believed in God, but was it someone or just something, a boundless entity? She had read up on Buddhism and found more comfort in its ideology more than anything she had read in the Bible, but that would be a secret she kept to herself forever. She couldn’t risk being shunned from her family. There was a lot she could never admit to anyone, and she didn’t risk writing a journal lest it be found somewhere. Instead she relied on scrolling through Tumblr to find people who understood her a bit more, read the same books and idealised the same quotes…until “Paul”.
Her first kiss with Paul had been adequate. He had nice lips, and wasn’t a bad kisser. He had a puppy dog charm and his kissing was equally so. But he could barely speak to her, so the kisses were flat and uncharged with the energy that Aster had been told by television and movies. She had to wonder if love and romance was a lie told by the media to sell big bucks on things such as marriage and Valentine’s Day. She had all these thoughts while maintaining a reputation as the “perfect daughter”, but if they could read her mind they would be quick to understand that Aster was constantly disassociating from it all, staring out into space fantasising about a world where she could be free to do whatever she wanted. She often thought about driving away, forever, somewhere no one knew who she was, her faith, her father. Once she had driven to a nearby city just to eat at Taco Bell, a blasphemy for family standards, but she was secretly comforted by its junky quality and guilty indulgence.
When she subconsciously realised that Ellie must have been the sender of all those gestures, the strokes in the parking lot, the encouragement for greatness, the quotes of dead philosophers, as if Ellie had looked into her existential soul and knew exactly what to say. A fire inside grew- of attraction or curiosity, she couldn’t be sure, but she was suddenly very interested in spending more time with this person. She knew the truth but didn’t want to admit it, because acknowledging that those letters made her feel love towards its creator, was synonymous with betrayal. She couldn’t be gay, she just couldn’t…but she could, she just wouldn’t be able to go through with it.
Aster knew deep inside she didn’t consider it sinful in the eyes of God. Just think of all the gay Christians that exist! But for her, it was a sin for everyone in her life, and she couldn’t take it. Or, at least, she couldn’t go at it alone.
Ellie, I have to talk to Ellie, she thought. But that secret rendezvous to the hot springs seemed to bring more question than answers. She playfully wrestled a t-shirt off of the many layers of Ellie’s back and they floated in the waters. Aster would’ve loved to drift there for eternity, because at least with the presence of this one person who seemed to really “get” her, she felt her infinite loneliness momentarily dissipate. But her constant self-doubt still allowed her to believe that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t true, until the dramatic scene at the church, after Trig’s comical and self-centred proposal confirmed what she had already known. It was like a giant meteor and came crashing down on the life she had already planned out for herself- well, planned by everyone else, really. It was that moment she felt betrayed by herself as well as Ellie and Paul, who had been in cahoots to woo her. She felt played, again, just some pretty face to have and to hold for the sake of it. After some consideration, she remembered that they were not mean people, and their intentions were probably not hostile and intentionally hurtful, but she was. She just wanted some honesty. She just wanted the truth, and the truth was that they had lied to her, over and over again.
She wondered what would’ve happened if Ellie had come clean first. Would she have kissed her instead of Paul that night? Or would she have shoved it deep down, into the pits of her soul, with all the other secrets that would threaten to implode when all the external pressure had become too much.
Aster needed to know what she was sure of, and maybe the only thing she knew was that she was uncertain. Ellie seemed so sure, of herself and of who she was, and Aster was envious and attracted to the fact. She would have to figure out what it meant. Thankfully, a lukewarm goodbye became a kiss, and her interest was piqued. She had a lot to say about it, but she was left speechless. Before she could gather her thoughts, Ellie had walked away.
See you in a couple of years was the mantra in the back of her head for all this time, and now she saw Ellie again, after just one year of university. Paul had told Aster she was coming back for the summer. Aster had spent the year painting in a nearby arts academy, trying to imbue her brushstrokes with something other thank longing and wondering. She wanted to offer another kiss, just to make sure, just to be completely certain that she had felt something, because the most difficult thing for Aster was to let herself feel. It was too vulnerable, and she hated submitting to the pain that came from feeling. Then, she saw Ellie again, just casually on the street, running an errand for her dad near the grocery store. Their eyes locked with the intensity of nostalgia, rife with the tension that builds up in an absence of someone significant.
Before she could make the suggestion, Ellie pulled her somewhere out of sight and kissed her again, firmer, with a tighter embrace, more confident than before. Long and slow, the opposite of last time. I’d never stoped liking you, Ellie confessed when they finally came apart. Aster took her hand and dragged her to her car, and they drove for miles and miles until nothing familiar was in sight. They kissed for hours in a secluded bit of forest, a few minutes off the highway. Aster climbed onto of Ellie, pinned to the passenger’s seat and taken aback by the sudden initiative. I want to see what this could become, Aster said after it was all over, leaving Ellie to sigh in excitement and surprise, shirts half off and zippers undone. This is the only thing in my life that has been my decision, Aster broke into tears, burying herself into Ellie’s arms. I got you, Ellie patted her gently until the sobs died down, and was just happy to know that she could be there for someone because she wanted to, not because she had to. They drove home in silence, one hand on the wheel, one hand intertwined with the other, and they promised to meet later that night. Aster had a lot more crying to do, and Ellie had to tell Paul everything that had transpired in that moment. I’m sorry I’m such a mess, Aster apologised. She was always apologising for everything, for existing, for being everything less than perfect.
Don’t ever apologise for being who you are, Ellie shot back, squeezing her hand tighter. We’ll figure it out, I’ve got a lot of patience, believe me, the Chinese girl had said, trying to inspire a smile on Aster’s puffy face. That night was the first night Aster could actually fall asleep without the sensory overload from her computer screen. She could rest, knowing that someone was there for her, someone who understood her.
Someone who probably truly loved her, for exactly who she was.