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"Alright! Go on, you don't need me right?" Mockery was present in Soobin's tone and it coursed through Beomgyu's ear.
It was definitely heart wrenching for the boy, standing tentatively in front of Soobin, he wanted to crumble, tremble and break down in tears, he's regretted everything he's said, all the impulsive words that have slipped earlier from his mouth on their way home. I didn't mean it, I swear.
The three other members were awfully silent too, just listening and watching for their next move. Huening Kai had his head hanging low while he fiddles his fingers on Tobin's ears, Taehyun's eyes were glued on his phone as he scrolled past down whatever internet platform he was using and Yeonjun was sipping his coffee but it was obvious that all their ears were on, listening.
Beomgyu wanted to open his mouth yet he didn't have the power to do so. He just stood there, in front of a frustrated Soobin, mind whirling with lots of thoughts but mostly why did we fight? How did we end up like this?
"What are you still doing here?" It was harsh and he flinched at it yet only a little.
Beomgyu opened his mouth only to close it again. Tears were already pricking the windows of his eyes and he just can't break down there, because I don't want to seem weak, because I'm not.
He swallowed the imaginary lump that had formed in his throat and gathered all his remaining energy to step out of the living room and into his shared room with the said boy he just got in an argument with.
He flopped down right when he got to the top bunk, curling himself into a ball and burying his body in between the sheets and the mattress, finally giving in with all the emotions that had filled up his chest and let the tears escape like an overflowing dam on a rainy night.
He was emotionally and physically tired with the ongoing practice they were having in preparations for the next comeback and now, add up the fight he had with Soobin. He's definitely tired. Emotionally exhausted. Do you know mental breakdown? He's about to have it if this continues.
He closes his eyes and let the warm tears escape his eyes and silent sobs slip from his mouth. He heard a few shuffles from the outside and a conversation that goes:
"We're going out, Soobin hyung, do you want to come?"
"No. I'm fine."
"Alright, we'll be back in no time."
"Take care."
And a door opening and closing then followed by the deafening silence.
He was there for about half an hour before he shuffled to prop himself up and went down slowly. He carefully listened on what was going on outside and when he heard nothing, he slid out carefully, avoiding gratuitous noise, and he went to the bathroom in hopes of clearing his cheeks of tear stains and maybe fixing his overall appearance, too.
He turned on the lights and examined his face in the mirror.
He's still handsome, a little less dolled up, yes, just more tired and devastated, maybe. Dried tears were tracing down his cheek, his eyes were red and everyone who would look into it would see the blackhole of hurt and dullness combined, making a full bodied human example of sadness.
He washed it away and dried his face up and just when he was about to get his toothbrush, the lights went out.
His eyes shot wide, heart started to hammer and a squeal rolled out his mouth that he quickly covered. He reached out for the sink to get some balance as he might fall and pass out because of the darkness that's engulfing the whole small room. It was nauseating, standing inside a dark room, Beomgyu was scared he'd pass out then and there.
He was afraid of the dark.
He never wanted to be alone, inside a dark room. He developed this kind of trauma back when he was still in grade school, when his oh-so-called friends pranked him and trapped him inside the janitor's room. It was a painful memory as he was stuck there for about three hours, just crying and praying that someone would help him as he pathetically bangs on the door, stopping to stand still, heart shaking and his whole body trembling, feeling like he's being suffocated by how small and dark the room is.
And he's feeling just the same right now. His tears, again, found it's way out from his eyes, now rolling down his cheeks as he collapsed down on the floor, knees weak. He hugged his legs and buried his face in between, muttering little 'pleases' every millisecond to particularly no one and with the reason that his brain couldn't even grasp right about now.
He shuddered, his shoulders casually shaking from the sobbing and trying to heave his breath fastly to contain calmness but he was failing miserably. He suddenly felt all dizzy from the throbbing of his temple, the healthy tears that were flowing down his cheeks and his hammering heart, happening altogether. He shudders once more, and at this point, he doesn't know what to do anymore, he feels his breath hitch, shortens and his heart hammers much faster than the flash. Feeling it beat a thousand miles per hour set Beomgyu to the edge of breaking down as passing out. His sobs were growing louder and louder, unconsciously, his hands were trembling and was finding its way to somewhere where it could grip something, anything at this moment, just something, his mind was troubled and his eyes shot up to every direction in the darkness, shutting it close, tightly. He can't feel anything anymore, aside from the fact that he's scared, that anxiety and panic, all the same, started to crawl its way into the every veins of Beomgyu. Air was slowly leaving his lungs as his chest tightens in a familiar sense back from eight years ago and his mind was short-circuiting from this panic attack, almost letting go of his own consciousness, tired of fighting back, when—
"Beomgyu!" The door shot open, a familiar boy was shining his phone's flashlight directly at his line of sight, making the latter look like a silhouette.
The light didn't stay up as it fell down, flat on the carpeted floor of the bathroom, darkness engulfing the whole room once again.
The next thing that was happening were familiar arms wrapping around Beomgyu's weak and lithe frame, with fingers grazing his hair, massaging the back of his head with little fingernails, giving out a soothing feeling, calming his nerves down, if not completely, at least a little.
"I'm here, don't cry anymore." It felt warm, the voice felt warm and Beomgyu did not do anything but to hug the person back. As tightly as he can.
"Hyung..." He mumbles, a few hiccups escaping his throat and out his mouth. "Soobin hyung..."
"Hush, everything's okay," the voice said.
"Everything's okay." He mimics yet with a weak and fretting voice.
"Let's go outside, shall we?" Soobin says, helping Beomgyu up and almost half carrying him on their way to the living room where two big candles were set to cast a warm glow around the space.
Beomgyu settles at the very end of the couch, back at his position with hugging his legs and burying his face on his arms. He felt much calmer than earlier, his heart was still beating faster than normal and he still wanted to cry his eyes out but it was bearable, his temple had stopped from throbbing a minute later into sitting in comfort, all he could feel was nervousness and anxiety. He felt the other side dipped, an indication that someone sat beside him.
"Beom?" Soobin called softly. He raised his head slowly, facing his side where Soobin was sitting.
Why is his face so calm right now? Beomgyu couldn't help but ask himself, a slight furrow making its way to the boy's brows.
Isn't he supposed to be mad? His features show no emotion of anger or frustration or resentment or anything. It's just soft, and full of concern and care and...
Beomgyu was startled when the older man raised his hand and settled on his left cheek, wiping off the tears that were still dripping unconsciously, he did the same with his other hand.
"Everything's okay, I'm here, nothing's gonna happen to you, mi alma." He whispers and it somehow soothed him, it made him feel much calmer and better.
He knows what to do now.
He nodded and leaned in closer to the touch, closing his eyes and surrendering to the wonderful touch of Soobin's hand in his cheeks.
He could be mad at me again later, better cherish this moment.
"Were you scared?" Soobin asks.
"Yes." He mumbled still leaning on the hand.
"Right then, don't be scared anymore, hyung is here."
Beomgyu felt it, the warmth in his hyung's voice and he can't help but to want to get much more closer and finally embrace the elder's middle.
He rested his head on Soobin's chest and made his grasp tighter around the man's torso.
"I'm sorry hyung," he says followed by hiccups. "I didn't meant what I said earlier, I didn't mean to be a brat, I didn't mean to be mean, I didn't mean to shout or whatever, I'm so sorry hyung, I didn't mean all those, I didn't mean to say those mean words, I didn't mean to say that I don't need you, I need you hyung, I need you so so much." His voice died down as his words gradually progressed, it wasn't just hiccups now, he was sobbing and catching his breath while his eyes were tightly closed and his fist formed into a ball on Soobin's clothes.
Soobin hugged him back, chin resting on the crown of Beomgyu's head.
"Hush, I know you didn't mean it, Beomgyu won't say something like that. Beomgyu isn't mean, he's very kind and lovely and cute," Soobin says making Beomgyu sob even more. "Hey, I was complimenting you, why are you crying even more?" There was worry in his voice.
"Because—Because, you're too kind hyung, I don't know what to do without you, I might have pass out or even d—"
"Hush, hush, don't say that word, I'm here and as long as I'm here, nothing bad will happen to you, okay?" He says and Beomgyu nods in his chest.
They settled there in a comfortable silence, just basking in each other's embrace, breath steady and heart beating in sync, finally.
Until Beomgyu yawned and Soobin had to break their hug to look at the younger.
"Let's go to bed?" The elder asks and he nods in agreement, feeling the exhaustion settled back in his every limbs.
They walked to their room and Beomgyu just noticed the absence of the other three members.
"Hyung, where are the others?"
"They went out, they texted me and told me they were fine and they'll go back after the power's restored." Soobin answered upon opening the door.
Beomgyu nods and was on his way to climb up to his own bunk but then Soobin's voice stopped him.
"Cuddle?"
He looked back and Soobin was standing, rubbing his own arm.
"That's a good idea." He smiled.
Soobin immediately trapped Beomgyu inside his embrace, making the younger boy bury his face on his chest.
They were silent for a while before Beomgyu found his voice again.
"I love you, hyung." He said and looked up, meeting Soobin's intent gaze.
"I didn't want to do this, but it's like you're asking for it."
"Asking for w—"
Beomgyu was silenced when a pair of plump lips landed on his, it went away as fast as it arrived and Beomgyu never got enough.
He moved upwards just the same level as Soobin's face and gave the elder a chaste peck followed by the proper one. A warm, sloppy and open mouthed one, acceptable for two people kissing each other for the first time. Yet later on, their hands started to move, restless and caressing each of the skin their palm holds. Soobin made the move and tilted his head to deepen the kiss. Their hearts' dancing in the same beat. As the kiss intensified, Beomgyu was moving up and up until he was already hovering on top of Soobin, he felt comfortable as their lips slots passionately with each other, perfecting their newly formed formula of kissing. Beomgyu can't help but to casually tug Soobin's bottom lips making the elder voice out some shocked hum and even tightened his grip on Beomgyu's side.
It was a temptation and they didn't want to stop, yet both their lungs were screaming for air and so they parted, both looking dazed and lovely and intently looking at each other's eyes.
"I love you hyung, I will never not love you. I will—"
"I love you too, now shut up and kiss me again."