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We watched The Wizard of Oz last night, and I bet you probably just guessed that Morgan loved it. I guess that's why I have been hearing her sing We're off to see the Wizard ever since. I imagine it's why she's been hinting that she wants a dog and of course she says she wants a dog who looks just like Toto.
You know what? When we started the movie, I was totally fine. I wasn't actually thinking about you at all . But that changed suddenly when we were almost at the end of the movie. It was somet hing the Wizard said to the Tin Man that got to me. I had seen this movie I don’t know how many times in my life. It was mostly when I was a little girl no older than Morgan really, and I suppose I had forgotten what he had said.
"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."
At first I didn't know why that line got to me so badly but it did. Right away I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I felt a few run down my face. I swiped them away before Morgan could see them. Fortunately for me, she was too engrossed in The Wizard of Oz to notice them. But the more I thought about it, the more what he had said echoed and replayed itself in my head, the more I struggled to keep from outright crying.
Of course, I hadn't quite stopped crying by the time the movie had ended. Of course Morgan couldn't help but notice the wetness in my eyes or on my face when she turned to me once the movie had ended.
"Mommy, wasn't that movie fabulous?" I heard her ask me right before she realized she was seeing tears.
I am not quite sure where she picked up the word fabulous. Maybe it was in school? I guess I need to take another look at her vocabulary lists for the last few weeks but it's become her favorite word here of late and I'm amazed that not really as she is super sharp and your daughter she always uses it in the correct context.
"Mommy, what's wrong?"
The damage was done so I grabbed a tissue, and dabbed away the remaining tears. I forced a smile to appear on my face, and then I regret to admit, I lied to our daughter.
"Nothing's wrong, sweetheart. The end just made Mommy a little sad is all."
She gave me a very concerned look, then asked me, "Why? Is it because Dorothy had to leave all of her new friends in Oz?"
I continued to lie. Again.
"Yes, sweetie, that's it. That's exactly why Mommy's sad."
I wish I could say I listened to how she responded to what I had said, but I only half heard it. The words the Wizard had said were still too busy playing themselves over and over again in my head. Finally Morgan did break into my thoughts when she said, "Right, Mommy?"
I blinked at her I think, then nodded, "That's right, baby. I think it's getting close to your bedtime so why don't we start getting you ready for bed, okay?" And get me ready for bed too is the thought I held out a hand to her to help her up from the sofa.
But our little girl doesn't miss much and I'm sure as she gets older than it is going to be a blessing and a curse like it already is . She noticed I was still sniffling, and used her little hand to give what part she could of my hand a squeeze.
"Don't be sad, Mommy, coz I bet Dorothy will get to see the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion again!"
She said it with such innocent earnestness, that I know she believed what she said, and her eyes were full of such concern for me that I knew I had to pull myself together. At least until she was asleep in bed, and I could then lose it as much as I wanted to. So I made myself smile , not a very big smile or a genuine smile I admit, but I smiled at her, and nodded my head.
"Yes, baby, I bet she will too. Come on, it's time to get you ready for bed."
As I wrap this letter up , I can’t help but think about how fast and from out the blue grief can seem to slap you in the face. I was actually doing fine before we watched The Wizard of Oz. I mean you not being here still hurts me more than I can express, but I’ve been finding ways to deal with it, to make a new normal for myself. I have to if I am going to keep being there for Morgan, but it is hard.
I still miss you, Tony, and I know for every day that I live without you, I always will.
I love you.