Archive of Our Own

Soonyoung used to want to know everything about Hong Joshua. Now, he wishes he could forget everything about him.

He doesn’t think it’s regret. Not that Hong Joshua was such a big part of his life anyway—Soonyoung was basically invisible to him in his junior year, and him in his senior year—and he’s supposed to mean something big enough to regret? Whatever he was, he couldn’t run away from it for some time. Time heals; he didn’t doubt that phrase once; but, it was right, Joshua was soon out of his life. They met in an instant, and he was gone the same way too. Soonyoung thinks it would have been better if they never met again in the first place.

Two months ago.

That was the first time Soonyoung had seen him in more than a year after the seniors’ graduation.

“You’re hallucinating.”

“I really am fucking not.”

“Maybe he’s his twin brother?”

“Promise me, I would know if Hong Joshua had a twin brother. Do you even remember the lengths I’d go to know more about him? Did you know that he likes to wear fuzzy socks when he sleeps? I don’t think so.”

“Creepy. But you're right.” Seokmin snorts on the other side of the phone. “Don’t you think he hears you?”

Soonyoung has always been taking the same bus going to school. Eight in the morning, it has always been the same tired faces in the same seats and the same coffee and fresh shampoo smell emanating in the vehicle. There’s one familiar head hanging loosely off the back of the seat in front of him, sound asleep. Soonyoung stands up and peers over a little bit to check for the third time if it was really him. “No. He’s fast asleep.” Soonyoung couldn’t help but let out an incredulous chuckle. It was unbelievable. “Seokmin, I feel like a high school girl. He’s still like, cute, he hasn’t changed a bit.”

“Stop! You’re over him, I am not dealing with junior Soonyoung with a crush again!” he whines back.

As odd as it was, Soonyoung felt happy. Joshua was merely a memory to him now that his year-long crush on his senior ended. Even though Joshua sat here in front of him comfortably sleeping, the closest proximity he has probably ever been with Soonyoung, he didn’t feel anything like the way he once did about him. He was just glad to bump into him. “Don’t worry. I probably won’t see him again.”

The bus halts and the doors open slowly, Hong Joshua wakes up startled, and rushes out. Just like that, the seat in front of him was empty.

Having flown all the way from California to make a grand entrance arriving here, Hong Joshua was the senior that all the girls in freshman year wanted to get close to. Not in a platonic way, of course, and the competitive atmosphere sent a shiver down Soonyoung’s spine whenever he felt it. A shiver of jealousy or uneasiness, whatever it was, Soonyoung hated how it would make him irritable. Seokmin would notice the little things his best friend would do whenever a crowd of girls would react to Hong Joshua brushing past them in the hallway, like squinting and glaring.

“Are you closing your eyes?” Seokmin would joke.

“You’re having fun with this? You really are?” he retorted, his eyes still glued onto the girls skipping giddily after their favorite senior looked at them straight in the eye. Eye contact? That meant nothing. Hong Joshua once smiled at Soonyoung when he helped him up from tripping over some wood. It was either he was being gentle and kind about it or he found him tripping on the floor laughable. Soonyoung prefers to think of the former.

“Sorry.” Seokmin teased, “You know that your crush doesn’t really know you exist, right?”

Soonyoung pursed his bottom lip in defeat, letting out a tiny growl. “Okay, yeah, but what if I put a love letter in his locker? With my name on it? I’ll put my fingerprint and everything.”

Seokmin was quick to defend, “And let the whole school know you have the hots for him? What would everybody think?”

Soonyoung watched his crush from afar, talking amongst his friend circle in his classroom, thinking about how in the world would Hong Joshua ever feel the same way he did, let alone know so much about him. Words hung in the air between him and Seokmin; they both knew that in order to keep their dignity, Soonyoung had to stay silent and continue watching from a distance. He was undoubtedly sad about it, but seniors come and go—maybe knowing less about him would hurt less once he leaves.

Seokmin sighed, giving him reassuring pats on his back. “It’s okay, Soon. He doesn’t deserve your love.”

“No, it’s not love.” Soonyoung forced out a laugh. It was actually pretty funny. It was bittersweet yet it was something laughable of how stupid it all sounded. “Just, a really ouchy crush.”

The following morning, it was as if yesterday didn’t happen. Soonyoung was at the same bus station at eight, waiting with earphones blasting old albums of Shinee. He’s always the fourth in line to board the bus once it arrives, but there was a strange atmosphere about where he was standing. One, two, three, four, five, six…why was he sixth? He leans over by the side to count the usual people he had in front of him: the businessman with his hot coffee in hand, the old lady on her way to the fish market, an elementary school kid and one unfamiliar guy, his back turned. “Wait…” Soonyoung squints. His earphones blast the chorus, replay replay replay. “Oh no. Oh—no no no no.” he murmurs, quickly hiding behind his backpack like a shield. He didn’t know exactly what he was hiding from, perhaps the shame of being caught in this situation again, like coincidences turned into weird chances of fate, but it’s not like Hong Joshua would magically turn around and see him (right?).

Was it weird for Soonyoung to notice something so insignificant? Was it a coincidence that Hong Joshua was standing exactly fourth in line?

“What the hell is going on?” Soonyoung looks up to the sky, flopping a palm on his face in disbelief. He soon understands the situation and tries to go on stealth mode, crouching low while boarding the bus with his eyes still on Joshua. He could see the people shooting him weird looks but it was better than getting caught. The main goal was to not be spotted by an awake Hong Joshua. He wasn’t asleep this time.

Hong Joshua sits right beside Soonyoung’s usual seat by the window. He snorts, yet again in disbelief and maybe more in pure panic, and hussles around to find a different spot. Tuesdays were just as busy so every other seat was taken. Maybe this was it? The end of everything? What if he just jumped out through the bus window? He thought, even if he stood up while the bus moved, he’d still be the main staring post. Maybe it’d be easier to recognize him like this.

Maybe, he shouldn’t overthink this too much and just sit down.

Puffing up his chest a little, he marches over to where his seat is. And for a fleeting moment, Hong Joshua’s eyes meet his, and for the first time in more than a year, Soonyoung’s heart fell all the way down to his stomach. All the giddy memories of his big crush on this guy in front of him right now come back in a flash. He didn’t realize how beautifully shaped his eyes actually were, nor how they sparkled so brightly like fairy dust in the light. He wasn’t smiling at Soonyoung but his eyes were gentle, even if it meant absolutely nothing.

“Hi, excuse me.” Soonyoung croaks out. “Shit.” he curses under his breath. Without a word, instead of making way for him to reach the seat by the window, the boy moves over. Their eye contact breaks and Soonyoung is forced to sit on the seat by the aisle.

Was it that easy? Soonyoung pauses his music and peeks beside him to see if Hong Joshua noticed anything at all (maybe him) but his gaze was focused out the window, head resting on his hand as the bus accelerates. He didn’t think Hong Joshua would treat him as a complete stranger—perhaps it is too early in the morning to strike a conversation—but whatever the reason may be, Soonyoung felt invisible. The bad kind of invisible, just as invisible as he felt to Hong Joshua in junior year. It was disappointing, because he was certain he saw him at least twice in his lifetime, yet a relief that he didn’t recognize him (that was what he wanted, anyway). Still, it was more of the former. He knew everything about Hong Joshua; it was just dashing to realize that he didn’t know a single thing about Soonyoung.

At that thought he snaps back to reality, burrowing his eyebrows and tightly blinking his eyes as if restarting. Unconsciously sulking, he then puts the song “Replay” again on loop and his heavy eyelids close shut.

8:27 A.M., the bus stops near his school. Soonyoung’s eyes jolt open and right as he was about to grab his backpack, his shoulder feels too heavy to move. There, Hong Joshua sleeps peacefully on his shoulder. Soonyoung sat there frozen for seconds unable to blink, his mind all over the place trying to debate on a decision. It’s either I wake him up or I nudge his head against the window, what’s it going to be, Kwon Soonyoung?

Before he could touch his head, the sleeping boy slowly sits upright and flutters his eyes open.

“Hi, sorry, my stop is here.” He speaks so softly, he probably would not have heard it.

“I’m sorry,” is all he replies.

Soonyoung quick-wittedly bows and sprints out the bus doors before he could even see him again. As he steps outside, he decides to take a glimpse at Hong Joshua by the window (and maybe it was something he imagined, but Joshua’s eyes meet his again and they light up as if he finally noticed who he was before the bus sped away).

Seokmin was Soonyoung’s only friend that always kept him grounded. In junior year, when he would choose to go snitching outside over studying for an exam, Seokmin stopped him. Even though they liked to goof around and do crazy boy things, Seokmin knew what boundaries looked like and what they didn’t.

“I may be younger than you, but sometimes you act like you’re fresh out of the womb.” Seokmin laughs, receiving a punch on the arm right after. “Don’t sulk too much, okay? He probably was just way too sleepy to recognize. I mean, isn’t that better?”

“It just sucks!” Soonyoung pouts. He’s still not over what happened this morning.

“You were hiding from him,” he echoes.

“Yeah.”

“and now you’re sad that he didn’t recognize you,” Seokmin echoes again.

Soonyoung groans as he slides over his desk. Seokmin is seated in front of him with his chair the other way around, clearly having a serious conversation. “I’m a mess.” he whines.

“What made you so attracted to him anyway?”

He looks up at him and rests his chin on his hands, still pouting. For a moment, he thinks deeply about that question.

“I don’t really know.” Seokmin was obviously dissatisfied with that answer, but Soonyoung follows up and says, “but maybe that’s precisely why I want to know.”

Seokmin quickly shakes his head in disagreement and his friend looks dumbfounded. “You are not wasting your precious time on him again. You’ll get hurt, you know.”

“I know.” He sighs, grabbing hold of Seokmin’s hands and mindlessly toying around with it. “Thanks, Seok.” And for minutes as noise fills their classroom with chatter and clatter, both of them say nothing.

Soonyoung presses the snooze on his alarm and sleeps for twenty more minutes. It’s a feat to take his time with his breakfast, as he’d usually pick up the pace with 7:49 on the clock.

“What’s with you today? Does school start later than usual?” His mom is unbothered, really. On a lot of days, she sounds a lot like Seokmin.

“I just hope some things become different today.” Soonyoung says with grit, clenching his chopsticks harder as he moves to pick his food up slower.

Reverse psychology: if he didn’t change anything in his routine, there’s a big chance that he will see Hong Joshua today. Trotting to the bus station catching the trip he usually never takes, he sees a set of different people. It isn’t what he is used to seeing: usually, at this hour, the traffic would not be so heavy, but cars and buses come rushing in all directions.

Soonyoung heaves a breath and sits down on the bench. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel right now, regret or relief. Regret that he risked a tardy in order to not catch Hong Joshua on the bus this morning or relief that he managed to dodge that from happening. Soonyoung mouths a wow in awe—just how was he able to do this? “Am I a genius or am I a genius?” he giggles under his breath, giving himself a high-five.

He relishes this moment, strangely. The bustle of the traffic isn’t deafening, nor does the herd of people pacing on the sidewalks bother him. The wind is chilly and buries his hands in his pockets. As long as he goes about this day and the next without seeing Hong Joshua again, he’ll finally be able to completely forget him. It felt odd letting those words process in his head, as if it was a lie. He would not want to exactly entirely forget about him, he just wanted to allow his ouchy-crush feelings subside completely. He sticks with the saying: time heals. He believes in that statement greatly, or at least he wants to. Time should just hurry up.

“Can I sit here?”

A young man’s voice interrupts Soonyoung’s loud thoughts. Looking up beside him was none other than Hong Joshua, looking down at him with the same gaze like yesterday—innocent, oblivious, gentle. His hair looks soft to the touch, bangs covering a little bit of his eyes. This guy, has really pretty eyes.

Soonyoung sits there frozen, eyes wide open like prey gaining momentum to run the other direction upon seeing his predator, but this time he had nowhere to run. Joshua blinks, slightly tilts his head and points at Soonyoung, “Have we met before?”

There was nothing lodged in his throat but it felt like no air could come out of it. Soonyoung lightly nods instead, moving a seat to the side so the other could sit.

“You look awfully familiar.” Hong Joshua takes a seat and continues to look at Soonyoung right in the eye. Soonyoung wants to turn away so badly, but he’d be caught red-handed. He examines Soonyoung for another minute, awkward one-sided tension building up until Soonyoung decides to speak for the hell of it.

“You were one of our seniors.” he coughs out.

“Oh my god,” Hong Joshua claps. “Yes, I know you!”

Is this real life? In what world did Hong Joshua ever know him?

“The guy that tripped in the hallway. I was caught by surprise that I had to laugh, I’m sorry for laughing.”

Ah, so he was laughing at him. That’s, really embarrassing.

Soonyoung feels obligated to speak, but it was a little easier to be comfortable; his shoulders release tension and he smiles as he tries to strike conversation with him. Hong Joshua is smiling back, leaning a little towards him as if waiting for Soonyoung to say anything back. How he wishes he just put his earphones in earlier to avoid this awkward situation. Waking up late and catching the second bus definitely didn’t work. Soonyoung couldn’t do anything now. He could be on the verge of tears but Joshua’s presence was so gentle that he feels comfortable, out of all the feelings he could feel at this moment.

“You know,” Hong Joshua steps in, resting his elbows on his knees, “Senior year was pretty weird for me. I had people staring at me and following me a lot. Does that happen to you too?”

Soonyoung busts a lung and Joshua seems to be startled because the younger seemed too shy to even open his mouth. “From what I heard, a lot of people liked you.” I liked you.

“No way? I thought that happened to everyone because I was a new foreign student or something.” Joshua wheezes in awe. “That’s flattering to hear, I guess. Thanks.”

Hong Joshua is doing that again. The eyes slightly wide open looking at him, lips curled up innocently waiting for the latter to say something. This wasn’t comfortable anymore. It’s pressuring to think of what to say on the spot with someone you wish you forgot about. But still, Hong Joshua has no clue on how much Kwon Soonyoung still knows about him. The useless, obsessive and impulsive collection of information that Soonyoung used to no advantage. He wishes he could bring them up one by one to make things less awkward, but he’s certain his slippery mouth could give it away. Soonyoung is now desperately pleading the universe to get him out of here. Say what? What will I say? That I also had a crush on him? Will that be flattering to hear, too? his mind rambles, mocking himself at this point.

“Your name… Hong Joshua, right?” he squeaks out, holding out a trembling hand. “I’m Kwon Soonyoung.”

Hong Joshua looks relieved, smiling wider as he takes the hand in his and shakes it. “Hi, Soonyoung.”

At that moment the 8:30 bus halts at a stop at their station, and Soonyoung quickly stands up, prepares his bag and joins the line. He isn’t sure if Joshua would still want to accompany him (and worse, talk to him until either of them got off) because he seems hesitant to come along with him. They did just meet now, but Joshua looks so interested that Soonyoung felt guilty to leave him hanging. He gathers up all the air he could possibly take in, and,—like an idiot—spins around to see Joshua right behind him and asks, “Do you want to sit with me?”

Joshua lights up. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

The first time Kwon Soonyoung laid eyes on Hong Joshua was at the school library. They didn’t meet, but they weren’t entirely strangers either. The room was almost completely empty and quiet, but whoever did occupy the space were tired seniors studying for upcoming college entrance tests, burnt-out from the heavy loads of high school. Joshua was one of them.

“I like you.”

Soonyoung had just returned from being confessed to by a girl, in front of his classroom with no one in plain sight at sunset. It was probably planned, the romantic atmosphere could have made Soonyoung accept her confession. The sun shone through the windows and the girl in front of him was holding out a flower she had picked from the school entrance earlier; Soonyoung looked intently at this flower, so close to turning brown from withering. He contemplated, whether he wanted to repay her for confessing so bravely or for looking like she was on the verge of crying, like she knew she was going to be rejected. Clearly, she did not deserve to be turned down for either of those reasons.

“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung bowed low, voice filled with guilt, his hands on his knees and he stayed there, “I cannot return your feelings.”

He had just told Seokmin what happened through text wandering soullessly through the endless isles of books.

Received: Seokminnie
5:20 PM
Aw, I feel kind of bad for her :(

Sent: Soonyoung
5:20 PM
Ugh, me too T____T What do I say to her tomorrow? We’re classmates!!!!

Received: Seokminnie
5:21 PM
Just act like she never confessed. Maybe she’ll feel more comfortable that way? D: I mean, you were clear about rejecting her, right?

Act like she never confessed. That’s harsh, even for Soonyoung, who could never ignore anyone even if someone did him dirty. But this was different, and he knew different times called for different measures. She was a friend that he only knew for a few months and talked to occasionally, but he never saw her that way.

Soonyoung groaned in stress, eyes closed leaning his head against a bookshelf. Two seniors approached the aisle and he hastily turned around to pretend he’s looking for a book.

“I really wish I could at least go to graduate school in America.”

That sparked a weird interest for Soonyoung to unconsciously eavesdrop on their conversation. Still gliding his fingers mindlessly upon the spines of the books, he listened to the exchange.

“Come on, Joshua. What’s wrong with studying here? Your mom finally got a job and now you want to go back?”

“I don’t think you get how suffocating it is to leave your hometown so suddenly and be forced to live among new people and speak another language. It’s suffocating. Everything’s different for me, like my world just flipped upside down and now I’m supposed to stay upright.” The senior who was named Joshua said, infuriated: “You act like you know so much about me, you don’t, okay, Jeonghan?”

“Ooh, get him.” Soonyoung slipped a breath, and he felt their eyes pan to him as if they didn’t notice someone was nearby to hear their conversation. Raising his head up slowly, he saw student council vice president Yoon Jeonghan and this new boy called Joshua, looking at him with such confusion that a shiver went down his spine. “I didn’t hear anything else, I swear.”

Yoon Jeonghan gave him a warm smile and waved lightly at Soonyoung, “It’s okay. Sorry you had to hear that. Hi, Soonyoung.”

Before Soonyoung could say it back, the two arguing seniors disappeared from sight, and he was left alone again. What just happened, and why did he bring himself into that? Still curious about the aftermath of their argument and the mysterious Joshua boy, he exited the aisle and went into the main study area and peered around to look for the familiar faces. There by the doors, Joshua stood facing them, slightly swinging from a strong force that left it with either anger, sadness or disappointment, Soonyoung couldn’t tell—but the air was angsty. From a distance, Soonyoung could see that from Joshua’s damp eyes and one tear silently streaming down his cheek, he was beyond lost in the world he was currently living in. He didn’t know anything about this senior, but he understood him.

Also, he’s really fucking cute. Made him want to come up to him and wipe the tear off of his face, comfort him.

Perhaps, though Soonyoung didn’t want to admit it, Joshua was someone that kept his mind off of the girl who confessed to him that afternoon. Time heals, Soonyoung believed and still believes, and maybe that girl would heal over time, too.

He left the library quietly not long after Joshua.

The next morning, the girl that confessed to him didn’t talk to him. That went on for days and weeks: he was practically invisible to her, and she was invisible to him. He didn’t try to spark up any conversation keeping Seokmin’s advice in mind. But, slowly and surely, he forgot about the girl and developed a new enormous interest for Hong Joshua.

“First of all, I’m sorry if my pronunciation or grammar gets wonky. I’ve really only been here for a year.”

“You sound fine, actually!”

“Thank you? That’s not something I hear everyday.”

“Then how is my English?" Soonyoung says with perfect diction and receives a soft applause from Joshua.

Joshua wows, covering his mouth in shock then gives Soonyoung a high-five. “Nice English, bro.”

“Thanks bro.” Soonyoung is smiling from ear-to-ear. They have been talking for only around 10 minutes yet it feels like it was shorter than that. He moves his cheeks around consciously to avoid looking like he’s too interested in this conversation.

Soonyoung can’t believe how well he gets along with Joshua in a sense that topics flow smoothly without any awkward tensions, and that both of them receive mutual reactions and energy. When the conversation did fall short, Joshua’s eye smile made up for it, allowing Soonyoung to glance at the eyes that drew him into this boy in the first place. Maybe Hong Joshua was worth crushing for after all, if this was the fate that they were supposed to live with. He wasn’t too sure about where his thoughts were going with this, but he was too excited to be caught up in something else.

“I miss high school.” Joshua says quietly after Soonyoung mentions something about their workload. “High school, as in, when I was back in America until I transferred there in my senior year so suddenly.”

Soonyoung is sure he heard about this story not too long ago. That’s the first thing he knew about Joshua Hong: he came to South Korea against his will to study because his mother got a job here. Even with wistful eyes, Joshua still looked pretty. Made him want to embrace him, comfort him. Joshua then looks at him with reassurance, as if telling him that this topic won’t go any deeper, I promise. “You have to enjoy your last year, Soonyoung. Make friends, mess around a little bit. Make good friends. But don’t drink alcohol.” the older says with stern but giggles right after.

“Did you enjoy your last year?” Soonyoung didn’t even have to ask this, but he did. He knew that Hong Joshua had a rough start until he graduated as he watched from afar. He just wanted to hear it straight out from Joshua’s mouth that he didn’t.

“I did.” Joshua smiles brightly. “I can’t say I enjoyed most of it, like, I wish I forgot a big part of senior year. I mean, I really miss America, but I made some good friends.”

There were some things that Soonyoung didn’t know about him after all. He couldn’t help but feel happy that he was getting to know Hong Joshua this way, and not through bragging about how much he knew about him through snippets of what he could pick up from anywhere. Hong Joshua was sitting right beside him, on the bus, both of them talking until their jaws needed to crack, and for the first time, he didn’t feel invisible to him.

“You know, you fell asleep on my shoulder yesterday.” Soonyoung brings it up and they both start cackling, gaining annoyed stares from all sides of the bus.

“That’s so embarrassing!”

“Is it? Not really.”

“You’re teasing me right now.” Joshua playfully hits him. “You’re cute.”

Soonyoung freezes. There was no way that he just called me cute. Did he just call me cute? Why the fuck didn’t I record that? “Me…?”

“No. My neighbor.” he jokes, but Soonyoung still looks confused. His stomach feels like there are butterflies. “Of course I meant you, silly.”

“O-oh. Thanks.” Soonyoung gulps, “You’re cute too.”

A little later, Joshua reaches his stop in front of his university, and they bid goodbye: “Bye, Soonyoung. I’ll message you later, okay? See you tomorrow!” and he trots away as Soonyoung nods, then waves without saying a word. They had just exchanged numbers, with Hong Joshua initiating the move. It felt weird at first, why he was so friendly with Soonyoung even though today marked their official day of getting to know each other, but Soonyoung couldn’t complain. This was what he wanted, right? At the same time, he thought about Seokmin, and would he rather give him a long lecture about how he’ll regret it, or support him wholeheartedly. Maybe it’s best to keep it a secret for now—who knows what might happen.

Today, Soonyoung meets Seokmin at their table at lunch. Occasionally, his best friend would bring others to the table (since he was such a friend of the world), and connections to lower levels made Soonyoung gain popularity throughout the years. As a senior, with new freshmen in the building, it was nothing new to hear around that Kwon Soonyoung was one of fourth year’s favorites. How the tables turned for him. He once was a junior crushing on a senior, and now he feels like a budget-version Joshua.

“Budget-version Hong Joshua?” Lee Chan, a sophomore who was a close friend of Seokmin tagged along at the table with Soonyoung. Ever since he came in freshman year, Seokmin and Chan were inseparable friends, and, of course, Soonyoung had to be about in their business, so he asked Seokmin to invite him to the table. “I’m sorry—I can’t.”

“Don’t tell me you agree,” Seokmin punches him in the arm and Chan squeaks in pain.

“Ouch! I didn’t say I did!” Chan pouts then turns to Soonyoung. “Hyung, don’t worry. You’re handsome. I already know, like, five people in my batch that find you hot.”

“Hot?” Seokmin and Soonyoung echo in unison. Hot was definitely a new adjective. He usually received words like cute, huggable and charismatic, but never hot.

“Your batchmates are delusional. Tell them thanks, though.” Soonyoung spoons a mouth full of food in his mouth and puts his chin between his index and thumb, looking at Chan with sensual eyes. “Don’t fall for me too, Chan.”

“You’re the delusional one here.” They all fall into a fit of laughter and at one point Soonyoung snorts loud enough to reverberate in the entire cafeteria.

“I didn’t tell you guys this last year because we weren’t that close yet…” Chan looks around before leaning into the center of the table as the other two lean in as well. “But I found senior Yoon Jeonghan really hot.”

Seokmin gasps. “No way.”

“Don’t tell me you found him hot too.”

“Ew, what! No!” Seokmin denies almost immediately and Chan pokes him on the side.

“Don’t lie! I can tell!”

Soonyoung doesn’t react. Yoon Jeonghan. The one that was with Hong Joshua that fateful day. The one that slammed the door in front of Joshua’s face as he left the library. Student council vice president of SY 2016-2017, Yoon Jeonghan. He always thought he was a little bit different than what the whole student body admired him as. Ever since that encounter with Hong Joshua, he hasn’t seen him the same ever since. They weren’t close, but they knew each other. He didn’t know if Joshua and he made amends after that afternoon, but in some way, Soonyoung holds a small grudge on Yoon Jeonghan for what he did to him. Like all people who had crushes, he felt the need to protect him some kind of way (it sounds like they’re dating, but they’re not).

“Vice president Yoon Jeonghan was close friends with Hong Joshua, right?” Soonyoung says with almost no emotion in his voice, which makes Chan raise an eyebrow.

“He isn’t the vice president of the country, hyung. You don’t need to call him that.” Chan chuckles. “But yeah, I think they were. I always saw them together.”

Seokmin knows where this is going. He knew Soonyoung more than anyone. But even he didn’t know everything about Yoon Jeonghan, so he was eager to find more pieces to Soonyoung’s puzzle, so he asks: “Were they, like, you know…” Soonyoung shoots Seokmin with a glare. Maybe he should have saved that question for another time, but as expected, Chan couldn’t keep it in.

“Oh, that’s what the whole school suspected, too.” Chan purses his lips in interest. “But one day, they both just stopped hanging around each other. Rumour says that Yoon Jeonghan was kind of the reason why Hong Joshua got popular, too. I mean, coming from America and all, it would have been hard fitting in. Obviously, Joshua did fine on that part. But if they did date, it probably only lasted a short while?”

Seokmin nudges Chan under the table lightly to signal him that that was a baaaad move, man. Soonyoung is in shock and more, despair, to hear that Hong Joshua could have dated the man he holds a grudge on. Why would he date him? Didn’t Yoon Jeonghan treat him harshly? Perhaps this wasn’t Soonyoung’s place to be thinking this, it really wasn’t, but it fills him with so much non-existent betrayal.

Chan clears his throat to lighten the atmosphere, which was clearly getting heavier by the second. “It’s okay though. They both graduated. Not our business. But didn’t you move on from Hong Joshua already, though?” he asks innocently, and Seokmin nudges him harder this time.

Soonyoung closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and exhales. The two anticipate his response, afraid that the topic might have driven him a little bit too close to the edge this time. Instead, he grins (a little fake, yet a little not, either) and resumes eating. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” Seokmin rubs his back reassuringly for a moment before steering the subject somewhere else. He seems to have accepted that Soonyoung really wasn’t over Joshua yet. After all the nagging saying that he’d regret involving himself in Hong Joshua’s life again, now, all he’s really doing is comforting him and being on his side. Soonyoung feels warm just realizing it, but at the same time, he wishes he had just stuck to his advice. Sometimes, Seokmin knew better than he ever did.

Soonyoung would usually come to the bus station at eight sharp, but he decided to come earlier today. He didn’t want to admit that he was eager to see Joshua again that morning after a night of texting. Joshua really did keep his word, and once Soonyoung came home, he received a text message from him. At this point, Soonyoung wouldn’t even think twice about messaging him back or talking with him, despite the many efforts of trying to do the complete opposite in the past: but Soonyoung’s a new person with this boy. He finds himself full of glee for every morning he does catch Hong Joshua on the bus, like it had become a routine, and they sit together, talking and pointing out things they see along the streets like a game of I Spy. During evenings, Soonyoung would anticipate a text from Joshua and would even forget to eat dinner just to be able to maintain the flow of their conversations (not his proudest sacrifice, but Joshua found out and scolded him for not eating, so now he eats dinner like it’s the best meal of the day).

Joshua had slowly become a trusted companion and friend to Soonyoung, even if they were two worlds apart. The bus at eight o'clock was to be thanked for why they met in the first place, and why they continue to meet for more weeks. Joshua would tell him secrets and Soonyoung would tell his. They’d goof around, entirely changing the routine Soonyoung goes with every morning: the bus, once filled with an atmosphere of dull coffee smells now jazzed up from their friendship’s energized chatter. Soonyoung stops habitually blasting music in his earphones now, because he has someone to listen to.

A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months since Soonyoung met Joshua. Seokmin still didn’t know, neither did Chan, and he expects to keep it that way. But it took only one morning for him to change his mind.

“Hey!”

This was the usual time Joshua arrived at the station. Soonyoung would save a seat for him on the bench, and they’d talk about what happened to them in school the previous day. It always felt like show and tell, when one would come up in front of the class and show a talent or something except it was only in front of Hong Joshua. It was definitely an upgrade.

“You’re early?” Joshua sets his bag down and pats Soonyoung on the back. “Lucky for you, I needed to be a bit early, too.”

“Why?”

“I’m taking an exam today. I can’t be late.” Joshua smiles, taking out a thick notebook. “I need to review a bit on the way, so sorry in advance if I don’t talk as much.”

And it was true, Joshua was silently flipping through the pages of his notebook like the flash. The bags under his eyes were noticeably darker than normal, and he is wearing spectacles. Soonyoung was not used to the sudden change of appearance, but he couldn’t help but stare at him. He’s so charming. And to think that they still kept up a conversation the previous night even though Joshua had a serious exam the next morning.

“You could have told me that you needed to study.” Soonyoung laughs, “Look at you. You have eyebags, hyung.”

“It’s okay!” Joshua responds, his eyes still on his notes. “I like talking to you. It relieves my stress.”

The atmosphere is weird today. Soonyoung has a different wave of thoughts and Joshua is different, even if nothing really significant changed. When Joshua said talking to Soonyoung was a way of relieving his stress, he didn’t know what to feel of it. On many days he was with Joshua, he’d feel giddy, excited and enthusiastic—and when he’d say something flattering, his cheeks would turn scarlet and his stomach would be doing flips, but this time, it hurt. Maybe he’s overthinking things, but was Soonyoung just a way for Joshua to channel his stress and boredom? It was strange that Joshua initiated so much for their friendship in the beginning, after all. All the thoughts running in Soonyoung’s head were horrible.

“Can I ask you something?” Soonyoung asks quietly.

Joshua raises his head and turns to him, a gentle eye smile looking right back at Soonyoung.

He shakes his head. “Actually, no, nevermind.”

“You’re weird.” Joshua pokes his hand, “Just ask me.”

Soonyoung knows he shouldn’t ask this. But it’s been sitting at the back of his head like mold, growing bigger and bigger the more he ignored it. Around two months ago, Chan told him about Yoon Jeonghan and Hong Joshua. He didn’t care for their story at all until he grew closer to Joshua; the thing he wanted to forget the most was something that he wanted to know about so badly. Then, with much courage, hoping that the atmosphere wouldn’t grow even heavier, Soonyoung speaks: “Did you know Yoon Jeonghan?”

Joshua’s eye smile disappears. “Oh… yeah, I did.”

“So you don’t know him now?” Soonyoung tries to joke, but Joshua still doesn’t smile.

“That’s kind of how it is.” Joshua looks down and nods, toying the paper with his fingertips. “He seemed like a really good leader back then, huh?”

“Seemed?” Soonyoung couldn’t stop asking.

“I mean, he was. He really was. The whole student body loved him, in fact. He knew everybody and everybody knew him.” Joshua closes his notebook, leaning back on his seat. “You’re the first person to know this. But we dated for a while.”

There it is. The words Soonyoung desperately didn’t want to hear, yet he brought himself into it by asking that question in the first place. He silently listened to his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. It aches, a little bit. Was Joshua really just a crush anymore? If it was, it wouldn’t hurt this much, right?

“He cheated on me, though.” Joshua says. “With the student council president. Of course, right? He grew tired of some… American guy to chase a girl.” he says this time, his throat is raspy, as if he was holding in the best he could not to cry. “Just when I wanted to forgive him, he goes off with someone else. What an enormous, gigantic, fucking dick.” he lets out a long breath. It’s quiet between them for a while before Joshua breaks the silence again, “I’m sorry Soonyoung. I didn’t mean to tell you all this.”

Soonyoung remembered it. That day when Yoon Jeonghan walked out on him, telling him that staying here was better than going back to America. The event that made Soonyoung hold a grudge towards Jeonghan, and now that he knows what truly of a dick he was, his grudge just grew stronger.

The younger takes hold of Joshua’s hand and squeezes it tightly, “It’s his loss.”

That’s what brings Joshua to finally laugh; a genuine chuckle that makes both of them smile at each other. Laughter that was bittersweet, something that both of them needed. Everything erased from Soonyoung’s mind at that moment, not even Yoon Jeonghan—just Hong Joshua. The warmth of his hands intertwined with Soonyoung’s led him to one thought after a crazy rollercoaster of many: he loves Hong Joshua.

(And neither of them let go of each other until Joshua had to leave.)

“Soonyoung, you’re scaring me.”

“Really? He doesn’t look scary at all.”

Soonyoung hadn’t realized that he was the one who invited Seokmin over to his house one evening along with Chan. He paces across his room as the other two lay on his bed, Seokmin intently focused on Soonyoung while Chan lazily scrolls through his phone. This was the day he had to tell Seokmin about what had been happening for the months he was with Hong Joshua. And with what happened two days ago when Joshua opened up to him about Yoon Jeonghan, it was like a cry for help, him fiddled with anxiety and confusion.

“Hyung, can you stop walking? It’s annoying.” Chan groans.

Seokmin hits Chan’s stomach with the palm of his hand so hard that a hollow sound echoes around the room. Chan bolts to sit up.

“I have to tell you guys something. Especially Seokmin.” Soonyoung bites the nail of his thumb. “Don’t get mad at me, please.”

“I won’t.”

“Depends.” Chan shrugs.

“You promise?” Soonyoung holds out his pinky and Seokmin intertwines his pinky with it. Their eyes are fixed together, looking with so much determination and trust that Chan had to intervene. “Are you guys having a staring contest?”

“I’ve been talking to Hong Joshua for two months now because we catch the same bus every morning so we became close friends and it was true that Yoon Jeonghan and him dated. I asked him myself. Now, I think after today, he’s become more than just a crush—”

Seokmin’s reflexes must have gotten the best of him, because he untangles his pinky from Soonyoung’s and slaps him across the face. Chan is cackling, throwing his head back on the bed.

“TWO MONTHS?!” Seokmin screams at the top of his lungs. “Without telling me? Now you’re saying you love Hong Joshua?!”

“WAIT WHAT!” Chan screams in shock too. Soonyoung’s mom must be worried about the noise upstairs by now.

Soonyoung rubs the cheek Seokmin hit him on, a little pink from the impact and he pouts. “I’m sorry.”

“No! Don’t apologize, I’ll slap you again!” Seokmin stands up and hugs his best friend, gently cradling his head in his shoulder. Soonyoung’s eyes start to sting as he digs his nose deeper into Seokmin, then reaches out his arms to hug him back. Chan quietly joins their hug from behind, and Soonyoung cries. He cries, loud, his chest heavy and breaths come in and out like fire. Both of his friends just hug him tighter and sway him a little, as each bawl makes Seokmin caress his hair and Chan patting his arm softer. Soonyoung doesn’t know why he’s crying. It’s a mix of sadness Joshua telling him he was cheated on, that he dated Yoon Jeonghan, and anger that he actually feels sadness knowing Joshua dated someone stupid in the past (or, simply just dated somone). He didn’t want to admit it—he doesn’t like admitting much, if it’s already obvious—but he doesn’t want to fall in love. Falling in love is so different from just having an ouchy crush. But he’s grown to care about Hong Joshua so much, that there’s really nothing else to hide from anymore, because Hong Joshua is finally in his life. And he wanted that so badly.

After half an hour of Seokmin and Chan comforting their friend in silence, they all gather on Soonyoung’s bed and wait for him to get comfortable enough to tell everything. Then he does, while all the while looking down at his hands picking at his nails and nervously flinging them around, he starts from the very beginning. Chan reacted the most and Seokmin gasped a lot (especially when Soonyoung spilled about Yoon Jeonghan), unable to believe anything Soonyoung had to say.

“I don’t even know why I’m so sad. Angry? Frustrated? Confused?” Soonyoung shrugs, sniffing up his runny nose.

“Well, you said yourself that he’s become more than a crush.” Seokmin says.

“When did I say that?” Soonyoung answers immediately taken aback, “I didn’t say that.”

“You sure did.” Chan teases.

“Ugh. This is like junior year all over again, but worse.” Soonyoung heaves a long sigh, “Maybe I’m just overreacting because I see him all the time.”

“That’s up to you to decipher,” Seokmin pats his knee. “but if it gets to a point where it hurts too much, then you have to decide on what to do.”

“Do what?”

“You never know if he really does feel the same. You know what I mean.” Seokmin nods.

“I don’t?” Chan raises his hand interjecting himself in the conversation, “Like what, ask him out?” then he gasps, “Oh my god, no. Like that? Like you invite him to your house and you—”

“What the fuck are you thinking?” Soonyoung tackles Chan on his side, sending him across the bed then begins a tickle fight.

Soonyoung’s heavy heart grows lighter as the night goes by. Seokmin and Chan and him hang out in his room until they are called for dinner. Then he forgets that Hong Joshua was supposed to text him, but he didn’t bother to check for tonight. As he sat down and looked at the food on his plate, he thought about every other night that he feasted on it after being told by Joshua to not forget to eat. This time, it tasted a little bitter in his mouth, even though he tried so hard to enjoy it.

His two friends leave shortly after, and it leaves Soonyoung stuck in his room blasting more Shinee albums on his speaker. The pain had gone away for a little bit, but as his thoughts begin to scramble yet again, he goes back to the day he saw Joshua for the first time.

The girl who confessed to him prior to that. Soonyoung suddenly remembered that scene so vividly. “I wonder how she’s doing…” Soonyoung mumbled. That went by like a blur. One day they just stopped talking, and Soonyoung didn’t remember caring too much. It was all just daydreaming about the boy named Joshua he saw in the library the day before, that he forgot to put energy into seeing how she was nor trying to talk to her again.

“Do you know someone called Joshua? I know that he’s a senior. He wore the little brooch all the seniors wear.”

“Joshua?” Seokmin thought hard. “I think Chan knows him.”

“I heard about him, yeah.” Chan said.

Soonyoung slammed his palms on the table and stood up, catching both of them and everyone around their table off guard. “What’s his full name?”

“Hong Joshua.” Chan said with a quivering breath, “Geez, hyung. How much net force did you just exert right now?”

“Freshman physics. Nice.” Seokmin held up a hand and high-fived him. Soonyoung slowly sat back down in awe hearing his name. Hong Joshua. How many Hong Joshuas did the world have? Just one. Just him.

“By the way,” Chan leaned in to whisper into Seokmin’s ear, “didn’t you say some girl confessed to Soonyoung-hyung yesterday?”

Seokmin looked back at Soonyoung to see if he was hearing anything, then nodded back. “I told him to act like she never confessed, but both of them haven’t spoken yet.”

“I have a bad feeling.” Chan says, and they both look at Soonyoung, still lost in daydreaming about Hong Joshua. “Also, if ever he goes crazy about Hong Joshua, it’s your fault.”

They all parted ways once the bell rang, and Soonyoung wandered through the hallways back to his classroom like his mind had gone blank. As he sat down in his seat, he caught a glimpse of the girl that confessed to him the day before in the far end of the classroom, looking out the window alone. Soonyoung snapped back to reality for a moment, looking at the girl with concern. She looked, sad. She and him usually talked after lunch babbling about nonsense, but now they gave each other the cold shoulder. Soonyoung wanted to go up to her—like what Seokmin said, act like she never confessed—but would that be a good idea? Never acknowledging that she wanted to be more than friends?

He thought, if they weren’t meant to not end up as just friends, might as well not be friends at all. Like a solution that crosses out what doesn’t need to be there: Soonyoung made a decision that he made on his own. He wasn’t sure if it was right, but they went through the year watching each other from afar, and the girl slowly did look happier as each day went by. She didn’t sit by the window looking melancholy anymore, and Soonyoung thought that was enough for him.

Hours pass by without him noticing. 1:38 A.M. on the clock, and Soonyoung still hasn’t checked his phone to see if Joshua texted him; the staring contest he has been having with his ceiling was a one-sided competition. Seokmin’s advice replays over and over in his head, and so does Replay by Shinee on his speakers. Maybe the sooner he does tell Joshua his feelings, the sooner he can heal. It may be too early to tell, so Soonyoung picks up his phone and sees Joshua’s herd of texts, and replies to each and every one of them. Hong Joshua replies back in an instant, and they go again another night talking. The day he decides to confess will become a turning point for the both of them. He won’t know yet if Joshua feels the same way, but one thing is for sure, Soonyoung isn’t ready to let him go yet.

“What’s your favorite part of your body?”

“Mm?”

A week has passed since his sobbing session with Seokmin and Chan. Today, he plans to finally do it.

Looking back, it was a necessary event to get to this point, but Soonyoung kind of wants to bottle up that he cried that loud in front of Seokmin. Now, he is sitting beside Hong Joshua in the bus as usual, with another usual conversation.

“I like my hands.” Joshua wiggles his fingers in front of Soonyoung’s face. “They’re an okay length, I guess.”

Soonyoung thinks, “I like my hands too.”

“You’re boring.” Joshua laughs, “How about we say what our favorite part of each other is? I’ll go first.” He shifts his position towards Soonyoung on his seat, and Soonyoung follows to do the same. “Personality-wise, I like how funny and understanding you are. Physically, I like your cheeks—”then he proceeds to pinch Soonyoung’s cheeks with both hands and squeeze them together with his palms. “—and your eyes. Your eyes are so cute I could eat them.”

“Hyung, you’ll get salmonella.” Soonyoung manages to speak with his cheeks almost folded over his lips, then Joshua releases.

Soonyoung takes a moment to look at Joshua. Not that he has to think so hard to figure out what he liked about him. He likes everything. He likes how his eyes smile like they had a soul of their own, and how his lips turn up slightly all the time, and how his eyebrows furrow when he’s focused, and how his cheeks get pink when he’s about to cry, and how his adam’s apple sinks when he drinks water—but he says, with a fond gaze, “I like how you understand me, too. I like how you went out of your way to become my friend so quickly, even though I was too shy to open up to you at first.” Soonyoung fondles Joshua’s bang, which covers a little part of his eye. “And I really, really like your eyes.”

Joshua’s shoulders stiffen and he leans back enough for Soonyoung’s fingers to not touch him. He doesn’t look startled, but it makes Soonyoung retract his hand back. “Sorry. You...had something on your hair.” he was close but he saved himself. “What I mean is, your eyes are really pretty. I told you that before.”

Joshua chuffed, shifting his position back to it once was. “You always copy what I say.” he sulks, and Soonyoung is relieved that he didn’t take that the way he meant it to be: cheesy and impulsive. What were you thinking, Kwon Soonyoung? Now is a terrible time. The worst time ever.

And another day goes by quickly with dull lessons and dull voices echoing in his classroom. Lunch time is the only time he’s looking forward to today and everyday.

“You go here too often.” Soonyoung jokes at Chan from across the table.

“Do you not want me to be here?” Chan pouts and Seokmin laughs. “I’m part of your squad now!” he exclaims, holding up a gang sign but Seokmin slaps his hand away.

“Don’t do that. Or you’ll really get kicked out of the squad.” Seokmin says.

“Guys,” Soonyoung butts in. “Can you wish me luck for later?”

Seokmin and Chan exchange looks before standing over the tabletop to give Soonyoung a hug, completely disregarding the food that might have spilled and toppled over from their carelessness. But he didn’t mind that; all the support Soonyoung could ever receive is right here. And, honestly, whatever happens, he’ll still come running back to both of them either way. Soonyoung is hoping that he doesn’t cry on their shoulders again (and if this does happen, Soonyoung hasn’t planned yet on what to do. So much for so much hope).

Seokmin wasn’t always beside Soonyoung in the beginning. It was like they broke a code of an invisible culture in their school once they began to stick to each other like glue, and oddly, it worked out well that way. With all the scandals and rumours and gossip about interbatch dating, the two remained unfazed which gave Seokmin the confidence to reach out to other levels himself. One person was Lee Chan, who was an intimidating freshman at first, but his hard personality despite being the youngest among most of his friends is what made Seokmin chase him more. They had become so close that Chan felt no need to show typical respect other than calling him a hyung, both of them constantly teasing the other like they were just the same age.

“How’d you become best friends with Soonyoung-hyung?” Chan asks him. The school slowly empties out students, eagerly rushing home on a Tuesday afternoon. The sky grew darker, bleeding a bold orange that reminded him of Soonyoung as what he was about to do tonight.

Chan is sitting on a stone bench by the field, and Seokmin pulls out bubbles from his backpack. “Hello? Hyung, did you hear me?” Seokmin dips the wand in the formula and blows, the gentle wind taking his bubbles away and across the field. Chan couldn’t help but giggle at how he’s enjoying this, and Seokmin finally turns to him to answer: “Oh, well, you know. I didn’t like him at first but he kept wanting to become my friend.”

Chan lets out an incredulous whoa, “That’s hard to believe. If I was Soonyoung hyung, I wouldn’t chase you with so much effort.”

Seokmin scowls, blowing more bubbles into the air. “You’re mean. He just likes really handsome people.” they both laugh a bit breathy and weak, worn-out after an exhausting day at school. They were there for each other, though, albeit the clear division of what they were doing—Chan being curious and Seokmin blowing bubbles. It is unspoken, but both of them were thinking about Soonyoung yet wanted to take their mind off of him, too.

“You know what would be really funny?” Chan starts, then upon finishing his sentence, Seokmin groans jokingly. “Hyung, listen, hear me out. What if the student council treasurer dated Hong Joshua instead? Weren’t they close, too?”

Seokmin gasps, “Chwe Vernon? That’s actually not impossible. It would also make it so much easier for me to deal with Kwon Soonyoung.”

“You make it sound like your best friend is a burden.” Chan comments.

“He isn’t! I’m just saying that Chwe Vernon would treat his significant other better than...you know, Yoon Jeonghan.” Seokmin shrugs, nodding his head in approval. As he blows his wand once more, Chan goes silent, and in the corner of his eye on the bench Chan is visibly sulking. His lower lip is pursed a little forward, he is hugging his backpack and fondles the grass that barely reaches the tip of his toes. Seokmin shoots up in realization. “Chan, don’t tell me you like this Vernon guy.”

“I don’t. I really don’t.” Chan’s voice is monotone and his face is emotionless, which makes Seokmin throw his head back in laughter and comes up to the younger to wrap his arm around his shoulders.

“You are such a bad actor.” Seokmin beams so widely at the thought that Chan brought him up just for him to talk about. Such a slick move. “You found Yoon Jeonghan hot, you say?”

“Come on, don’t make stuff up. We need to focus on Soonyoung hyung,” he removes Seokmin’s arm and scoots farther away from him on the bench. Seokmin scoots closer to him anyway.

“Make stuff up?” Seokmin repeats. Chan nods confused to the smug grin on his face, then follows his eyes looking at someone in the distance behind him. He looks back, and Chan feels his stomach drop, his feet go ten degrees colder and his ears pop a blood red.

“You won’t…” Chan squeaks.

“I will.” Seokmin says, then proceeds to wave both his arms at Chwe Vernon, who was slowly approaching their way, calling his name. Chan almost sprints out of the scenario, but all he could do was crouch and cover his face with the palm of his hand as Seokmin shouts his name in front of other students walking by. Chwe Vernon catches his beckon then jogs up toward them.

“Hi, Seokmin hyung.” Chwe Vernon greets as soon as he comes up to them, and Chan doesn’t raise his head up yet. “What are you still doing here so late?”

“Student council have a meeting?” Seokmin asks, pointing at the group of students he was with. This fucker is having a full-on conversation with him, and for what? Chan curses in his head (and if he wasn’t the younger, he would have punched Seokmin in the gut right now).

Vernon nods. “It’s really hectic now. We’re already planning for the fair.” He looks at the boy crouching away from perplexed with his presence, sitting still like a statue. He leans forward in an attempt to take a good look at him, grinning as if he already recognizes him. Seokmin is doing all in his power not to bust out a lung from how funny Chan embarrassing himself is.

“I’m really proud of you guys. Working hard day and night, don’t you ever find rest?” Seokmin continues the conversation, and Vernon is so patient with his sudden invitation that he maintains a soft smile that Chan wishes he could be seeing right now. “See, your friend Chan here,” Seokmin grabs Chan’s shoulders and pulls him up, revealing his face, “was thinking to maybe ask you out on a movie this weekend for you to lay back a little bit.”

“What?” Chan is bewildered. Betrayed.

“Oh,” Vernon says. Chan anticipates his answer, but Vernon just looks at him like he was the one anticipating something. Chan has only ever spoken with Vernon when any of them needed something from the other, but it never went as far as this. The escalation flies off the roof but Vernon is here and he doesn’t look disturbed at all.

“So, are you okay with it?” Chan gathers the courage to speak, then that’s when Vernon happily agrees.

“I was hoping you’d ask me yourself. Not someone else for you.” Vernon laughs and Chan whimpers a forced laugh in response, unconvinced about his answer.

“Oh… sorry.” Chan gulps. He looks despicable and Seokmin is here for it. “So, Saturday?”

“Sure. I’ll see you then, Chan!” he bows goodbye then scurries off to the group of students that waited for him, and leaves the area without looking back.

Chan watches him disappear into the distance. Frozen, unable to move, mouth hanging slightly open, Seokmin sits with him with a proud stature like he had become a master matchmaker. “I didn’t know his smile was so cute?” sounds only escape his lips mechanically, “Did he always smile like that? Like, cute and shit?”

Seokmin wrestles Chan’s head with his arms, aggressively ruffling his hair as the younger whines under his wrath. Chan’s ears turn tomato red, wriggling away and pushing away the rough affection, “Ugh, I can’t believe you made me ask him out!”

“You so asked for it, baby boy.” Seokmin pinches his cheek. “That’s how you get your man. Don’t beat around the bush and just go for it.”

Chan rolls his eyes and snatches his bag up from the floor, he hugs it and buries his chin in it. Seokmin just giggles, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and they watch the horizon grow darker. Lesser students appear around them, the clatter of their shoes and laughter echo quieter then they decide that it’s time to make their way home. Walking on the cold concrete, they head home in the same direction in a comfortable silence. The train station is packed at rush hour, mostly with adults coming back from work looking exhausted with all eyes glued to their cellphones.

While waiting in line for the next train to arrive, Seokmin brings up something. “I wonder how Soonyoung’s feeling right now.”

Chan looks up from his phone then shrugs. “I honestly think he’ll do fine.”

Seokmin tiptoes and pries over Chan to take a quick glance at his screen, curious as to why he was so fixated on it and sees that he is texting someone. Well, not just anyone. He immediately withdraws his phone and turns it off once he feels Seokmin’s breath brush by his hair.

“You sneaky sneaky…” Seokmin mocks, poking Chan in his side with two fingers, “Already texting your date? Give some credit to your hyung, won’t you?”

“Okay, fine, thanks to you I was able to ask my crush out on a date. Happy?” Chan jokingly scoffs, squirming like sharp snaps from being tickled, “Also, I’m pretty sure things will turn out fine for Soonyoung-hyung. I have a feeling Hong Joshua likes him back anyway.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know.” Chan smiles, and his words are filled with so much positivity that Seokmin’s worries disappear for a second but come back in the next. His best friend’s dumb crush eventually turns out to be the first person that he’s ever gone lengths to do anything remotely boldly romantic. It all feels like it’s happening so fast.

“You’re weird.” says Seokmin. The train squeaks to a haste halt then the two board, chatting incessantly until Chan hops off in the next two stops and Seokmin feels rather lonely.

Sent: Seokminnie
5:42 P.M.
I love you im on my way home darling

Received: Soonyoung
5:42 P.M.
Ok darling I love you too make sure you check on the kids

Sent: Seokminnie
5:44 P.M.
Pop Quiz: Me or Hong Joshua

Received: Soonyoung
5:45 P.M.
This is a trick question

Seokmin hesitates, deleting and erasing a couple of times before hitting send.

Sent: Seokminnie
5:45 P.M.
Hey… you’ll be fine. I’m always here for you either way

Soonyoung knows it’s obvious.

The night is bright and alive, and the road is less hustle and bustle than the regular mornings he is used to seeing. A few people populate the area near the bus station he asked Joshua to meet him at, but it’s not too many for them to hear him (well, hear Soonyoung confess). Soonyoung buries his hands in the pocket of his jacket, pacing back and forth under the lamppost that brightens one spot on the sidewalk, constantly checking his watch. 8:57 P.M. He asked Joshua to meet him at around 9.

Sent: Soonyoung
8:57 P.M.
What if I back out for tonight Seokmin? Maybe I’ll wait another week ^___^ <3

Received: Seokminnie
8:57 P.M.
I know you won’t do that >:(

Sent: Soonyoung
8:57 P.M.
Watch me

“Hey.”

A voice calls from behind him.

“Is everything okay?” Joshua asks as he approaches Soonyoung and grabs his arms with worry. “This is so weird. Why are you beckoning me at this hour?”

Soonyoung doesn’t respond. He just looks straight at Hong Joshua, thinking he’s too late to run the other direction. Whenever he’s with Joshua, he always never can run away from him.

“Soonyoung?”

“Do you really have no idea?” Soonyoung speaks, then Joshua lets go of his arms allowing him to continue. “Like, no clue?”

Joshua shakes his head lightly. “No. Tell me.”

Soonyoung hisses and turns his head away, looking up, away from Joshua’s eyes that look at him with so much concern—too much concern—and as if trying to put back tears that were about to come out back in his eyes. “You promise you won’t get mad at me?”

Joshua reassures him a smile and nods.

“Okay… This is a bit surprising, but I've actually known you since I was a junior, hyung.” he starts. “I’ve had this big, crazy crush on you like how those obsessive girls would follow you everywhere, and I grew to know a lot of crazy things about you too, but you didn’t know me until we met a couple of months ago.”

Both of them are still standing under the light, and all the noise around them seems to fade away.

“And all this time, I thought you came back into my life the same way. I was so excited to be your friend, so much that I forgot to eat dinner for a week straight.” he laughs. “A couple of months seem like nothing, but I thought about it for a long time, and I know I don’t deserve to tell you this, but I need to say it or else I’ll regret it.”

Soonyoung sighs, then says: “I like you. I really, really like you. Not in a weird crush way anymore.”

Silence. Joshua couldn’t even look away from Soonyoung, and for some reason, Soonyoung hated it. He didn’t know if it was a look of I like you too or I’m thinking about how I should reject you; Joshua looks like he rushed out in his pajamas but just threw a coat over and ran to see Soonyoung. He must have been worried. Now, he’s wondering if Joshua regrets coming out to hear him confess out of all the things he could worry about. Joshua doesn’t seem to feel that way, because he reaches his hands out to hold Soonyoung’s. They are warm, while Soonyoung’s are cold.

“Soonyoung…” Joshua rubs the back of Soonyoung’s hand with his thumb, and his heart almost jumps out of his throat. “I’m sorry.”

Two words were enough. Because Joshua lets go of them the moment he says it, takes a step back and bows his head low. This scene looks familiar, but Soonyoung seems to be in the wrong position. “I wish I could return your feelings.” Joshua raises his head back up.

Soonyoung is thinking of all the things he could say back. It’s okay. Don’t worry. It’s not going to be a big deal. I understand. Instead, he rubs his nape and attempts to look and sound embarrassed: “Don’t ever say you wish you could return them. I feel like I’m being pitied.” he says with a fake tone in his voice.

“What?”

“I’m just,” Soonyoung stops, and tries his hardest to not look at Joshua, but he is looking at him so dearly, it hurts. “Thank you for being really nice about it.” is all he could say.

Unexpectedly, Joshua approaches Soonyoung and wraps his arms around his neck, and holds his head gently in his hand.

Soonyoung snorts, “Uh, I think I was the one rejected right now?”

Suddenly, the area goes quiet, not even the clatter of shoes and distant chatter could make Soonyoung hear anything else but Joshua’s breath as his cheek pressed his temple, and their hearts beating in sync. Joshua doesn’t even reply but he holds Soonyoung in his arms for minutes, them standing on the sidewalk as headlights drive past and possibly getting a few stares from passersby. Soonyoung doesn’t care. He counts just how long they have been standing like this with every headlight that shines in his direction (and as much as he cherished this moment bitterly, he didn’t have the strength to reach out his own arms and hug Hong Joshua back).

Sent: Soonyoung
9:48 P.M.
I don’t know what to do

Received: Seokminnie
9:50 P.M.
You don’t need to do anything right now. I’m proud of you

Soonyoung presses the snooze on his alarm and sleeps for twenty more minutes. Then his alarm goes off again, and he sleeps for thirty more. For the most part, he just stares blankly at the ceiling, listening to the ticking of his clock. It’s so quiet that he swears he hears the flutter of his own eyelashes. His door creaks open, his mother quietly tiptoeing into his room which makes Soonyoung sit up.

She sits beside him on the bed, taking hold of his cold hands. Soonyoung can’t look up at her, his eyes are stuffy and red, and his face looks swollen. “Do you feel sick? Do you want to stay home today?”

That tips Soonyoung to his breaking point, and without even speaking, he bursts into tears and immediately she takes his head and puts it over her shoulder. How many times has Soonyoung cried over Hong Joshua already? It’s pathetic, yet, with his mom like this so tender, it felt so strangely similar to how Joshua held him the previous night.

Pushing himself to start the day, he still catches the 9:30 A.M. bus. He’s back to his old routine: headphones in, hands in his pocket and an empty, meaningless bus ride to his school. Replay, replay, replay. Soonyoung arrived tardy, but it was better than nothing. He was a diligent student, and if not for his mom comforting him that morning, he would have made Seokmin and Chan worry shitless, and he didn’t have the energy to hear too much from them.

Soonyoung hates being sad. He hates the feeling, the aftermath, the inconvenience, everything. Yet, it’s a different kind of sad, a sad that makes him feel empty and emotionless (quite the contrary, but if it makes it easier for him to understand, his ego is a mask that holds in what he actually feels—but if he were to break it, it would all come loose and he didn’t want that to happen). So when Seokmin asks him if he’s alright, it’s easy to say yes. It’s strange, really; he’s okay, but for the most part, he isn’t. Here is Soonyoung’s logic: he wasn’t in love with Hong Joshua, but he did love him. Those were two different things. If he did fall in love with him, escaping him would have been harder.

Seokmin once said to him, “Just act like she never confessed. Maybe she’ll feel more comfortable that way.” The silly twist of fate: Soonyoung ended up becoming the girl who confessed to him that day, except, Soonyoung didn’t wish to return her feelings. Later that night, Joshua texted him like any other evening they had gone through for the past two months. Soonyoung, admittedly with the biggest pride ever, didn’t want Hong Joshua to be the one ignoring him first, so he started.

He starts slow, and with that he didn't read the text Joshua sent. The next morning, he catches the 9 A.M. bus again. He doesn’t run into Joshua. Later that evening, too, his phone receives a notification from him, but he doesn’t open the text. For another morning, he goes to the bus station at 8 A.M. to see if the coast is clear. Another tardy would have made Soonyoung’s conduct fall a letter lower, and Joshua was not about to ruin that for him, too. As he walks towards the station, he sees a familiar figure and stops in his tracks. Hong Joshua is standing there, looking into a distance. He is underdressed today. He’s wearing a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans without a coat or jacket despite it being colder than usual.

“You couldn’t even have the time to put on a jacket? Just how much in a hurry were you?” Soonyoung says under his breath, staring at him from far far away, like he once did. He always watched him from afar, and it hurt not being able to run up to him like this. He’s probably wondering where Soonyoung is, because even from a distance, his eyes are looking for something (someone). His eyes were really something else. “You’re an idiot, Hong Joshua.” Soonyoung then turns the other direction and heads for the subway instead. He feels his vision blur a bit before he wipes any dampness away. And for that morning, he avoids Hong Joshua again, and for another evening with his text. He does it for seven more days, like it had become a goal to see the day without bumping into him. All the alternatives were there: the subway, another bus station, a taxi and much more. He was back to the beginning, when seeing Hong Joshua was such an unfortunate episode and all he had to do was run away. Running away was all that Kwon Soonyoung ever did. Even with the girl that he gave up their friendship for for a stupid “time heals” mentality, truth is, he was just too scared to stay.

“Time heals” is Soonyoung’s favorite phrase when it comes to times like this. It always worked, and Soonyoung is certain it will work this time, too. After seven days of avoiding Joshua at the bus station, he stops receiving texts from him every evening. It was an unfamiliar feeling to Soonyoung, not being able to hear the notification (and whenever he heard his phone ring a bell, he still unconsciously checks it to see who it was), but it felt like success. One small success led to another: the next morning, Soonyoung cautiously approaches his regular bus station at eight, and sees no trace of Hong Joshua anywhere. Not even as he boards the bus, Joshua doesn’t magically enter, and he’s back in his usual seat by the window. What would he do if he did? What if Hong Joshua appears one day and he fails to avoid him? It would be another waterfall of bad choices.

In the earlier days of not seeing Joshua at the bus station anymore, Seokmin and Chan didn’t bring up the topic. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s because Soonyoung would always shift the subject to something else. They were sometimes a little shocked to hear him like that, but they slowly grew on it and soon they were back to being the crazy kids at the lunch table, with Chan coming by normally. Soonyoung knows that they’ll always be a home to run back to, and that they probably do have the right to know what has been happening between him and Joshua, but Soonyoung wants everything to be back to the way it was. Everything from his routine, his priorities, and even his friends.

Hong Joshua never shows up at the bus station again. With Soonyoung in his senior year studying for college entrance exams, Joshua’s absence in his life paved the way for more time to focus on getting a good college and hanging out more with Seokmin and Chan. The holidays and the new year go by and Soonyoung enjoys it with his family, having his first legal sip of alcohol. He passes all his exams, attends graduation ball with a girl, gets his driver’s license and passes the university he dreamed of getting into—senior year unexpectedly becomes this best year of all his high school life, creating memories and deleting those of Hong Joshua.

(He did end up enjoying his last year of high school, as Joshua once told him he’d hoped to do, even delaying his alcohol until he officially turned into an adult. So, unfortunately, not all his memories faded away.)

Time did heal. It was a frigid healing, but he did heal in the end. Soonyoung wonders if he ever did regret meeting Hong Joshua in the first place; if he regretted the day he decided to converse back with Joshua when he started conversation, or when he asked Joshua if he wanted to sit with him on the bus, or when he decided to become his close friend. Those were all choices Soonyoung could have easily avoided doing, but he did—was Hong Joshua really worth it?

If they weren’t meant to not end up as just friends, might as well not be friends at all. Like a solution that crosses out what doesn’t need to be there: Soonyoung made a decision that he made on his own. But Hong Joshua was worth it. He was worth all the crushing, jealousy, crying, the late-night texts, the silly conversations, the close-call flirting and, even down to his confession. And he knows for a fact that Hong Joshua talked to him not because he was stressed or tired, but because he really wanted to. Even if he was wrong, Soonyoung still wouldn't change his mind about him. If you take down Soonyoung’s pride, he still did really care about Joshua and thought about him from time to time, but life went on and so did he.

4 years later.
3 days before graduation day.

“You’re so tall! You might as well be a beanstalk!”

“Are you into cheesy romance now? Oh my god, and to think I was the one who helped you on that.”

“We haven't seen each other for 3 years and this is the welcome I get?”

It was initially Seokmin’s plan to finally get them back together since high school graduation. They had all parted ways entering different universities, leaving the nest and writing new beginnings far far away from the reveries of their adolescence, but their friendship was too precious to just be forgotten--especially now that Soonyoung is a college senior, Seokmin wanted to give his best friend a another parting gift. Soonyoung immediately agreed to set a date the moment Seokmin suggested their reunion a month prior. The two, who were inseparable friends back in their high school days, though separated, luckily found ways to keep their friendship kindling (blatantly leaving the youngest out of their game plan, of course), which is why today is such an important day for all of them. The best of friends don’t know if they’ll stay like this even after Soonyoung steps into the world of adulthood. It’s unspoken and subtle, but the pit of Seokmin’s stomach feels uneasy every time he thinks of it. After all, it was that easy for him to let go of Hong Joshua. Or, so Seokmin thought he did.

Sunlight seeps through blinds into the cafe, the smell of brewed coffee filling the air. Soonyoung finds this smell comforting and familiar though he can’t quite put his finger on it, which makes this reunion even more oddly meaningful (like, the nostalgia and memories just seem to be stronger with it). It was a lively morning, and Chan had just walked through the entrance with an American boy beside him. It was easy to spot the youngest from a distance, and the moment they caught his eyes, a unison of squeals reverberated in the room.

“This is Vernon, if you didn’t know already.” Chan rolls his eyes, still under Soonyoung’s tight embrace, swaying side-to-side violently. “Let me go!”

“He won’t do that. He’s the protective kind, you know.” Seokmin pats Chan’s head then turns to Vernon, “It’s been a while, Vernon. You’ve been taking care of yourself and our Chan?” The latter, still looking shy and confused with the situation he brought himself in, nods with a wide smile on his face.

“It’s great to see you all like this, too. I’m just dropping Chan off.” Vernon waves, and before he leaves, Chan twists out of Soonyoung’s grasp and tiptoes to give a chaste peck on his boyfriend’s temple. Seokmin puffs a fond sigh while Soonyoung hisses at the scene. Too much for being protective of their youngest.

As soon as they sit down for a supposed peaceful breakfast, their table fills with laughter and stories that none of them have ever told each other before; just a blissful passing time of updating each other on university life and pure reminiscence of back thens and remember whens. High school shouldn’t have been this precious for all three of them, but it was. Chan’s a sophomore, Seokmin is a junior and Soonyoung is back to being a senior in college again. Things were the same, back to the way it was, but a lot of things were better. Unconsciously, they occupy the same space until sunset, which none of them noticed until the light outside turned a soft orange, and tables began to occupy less. Then, coffee turned to alcohol, and that was uncalled for.

“You know, Seokmin hyung was the one who helped me get me the boy of my dreams… but he doesn’t even have anyone for himself!” Chan points at him, the smell of soju in his mouth breathes in Seokmin’s direction.

He fans his hand in front of him, belting laughter: “Excuse me! Unlike you, the man of my dreams is myself.”

“As expected. You stay cool like that, Seokminnie.” Soonyoung rests an arm around Seokmin’s shoulder, “But even I found someone again, you know.”

“No way.” Chan’s jaw drops. Soonyoung scrunches his face proudly, bobbing his head and throwing both his arms in the air as if showing off something.

Again. Yes, of course,thinks Seokmin, still sober.

“He’s a cutie. He’s in the music production department.”

The employees seem to be bothered with their noise, but the three didn’t care and continued not to. As night fell, they head to their old high school, sneaking in through the big field. The buildings look the same as if not a scratch scraped its walls. Not a guard was in sight, so like children, they let their feet move freely through the grass, running around aimlessly with the wind in their face. Time rewinded back to their youth, back when the future was just a concept to them.

“You promise to still contact us even when you get a job and get married and have kids and retire and have your funeral, hyung?” Chan asks cheerfully, but there is a lump in his throat as all of them sit on the grass.

“Of course.” Soonyoung replies quietly. Seokmin’s eyes begin to sting, tilting his head up to the starry sky. He elbows Seokmin gently in an attempt to comfort him without making anything too glum than it already was, “Hey. Don’t make it seem like we’ll never see each other. We’ll still do stuff like this together again, and I’ll definitely be here when you guys graduate.”

“I’ll still miss you, hyung. Seokmin hyung, too.” Chan manages out with snot running down his nose.

“I’ll miss you both the most.” Seokmin sniffs between the silence. All of their shoulders touch together warmly, unfeigned smiles plastered on their lips thinking of each other, remembering their memories, the future, and of everything. Three years ago, they were all just naive teenagers chasing life like a board game, and finally being at another finish line seems to hurt a lot more. Soonyoung knows he’ll be alright. Time is a forgiving entity in his world, and it certainly won’t be an exception for two of his favorite people ever.

2 days before graduation.

“Woe to him. Truly.” There’s one thing that Soonyoung wishes he could forget tonight, and it’s that he’s stripping atop a table along with Chwe Seungcheol, the heavy beats of the bass blasting off the speakers numbing his ears as a crowd cheers and howls in front of them. He’s not sure if he was just getting naked in front of seniors (after all, this is a party dedicated just for the seniors pre-graduation), because he was told all kinds of students regardless of level came to celebrate, but at this point he was too drunk to care.

Seungkwan was one of them, and he grimaces as the sight in front of him ascends to more chaos. Jihoon stands beside him clenching his drink as if about to sprint towards the scene, while Mingyu cackles, palm on his stomach throwing his body forward in utter ecstasy. The other two don’t find this in any way pleasant, either it was because Seungkwan was so used to seeing his seniors create a ruckus like typical college boys, or because Jihoon wanted to get Soonyoung off the table at this instant.

“You’re such a mood-breaker. This is gourmet. I haven’t laughed like this since you embarrassed yourself in front of—”

“Kim Mingyu,” threatens Seungkwan with a fist up in the air, and Mingyu winces. “Open your mouth one more time.”

“Are you guys really dating?” comments Jihoon, snapping his focus off of Soonyoung (who was already fully naked at this point) for one second before finally stomping over to the scene, ramming through the crowd then snatches Soonyoung by the arm and yanks him off the table. The crowd, including Seungcheol, reacts negatively, yelling boos at the party pooper dragging the life of the party out of his zone, but he is merely determined to get Soonyoung dressed.

Suddenly they’re upstairs in an empty room, and Soonyoung’s vision slowly becomes clearer as Jihoon helps him cover up. They’re both silent. Only the ruffles of the cloth and tiny whimpers coming out of Soonyoung were heard as Jihoon helps him put on his shirt like a fucking toddler. “I know you’re here to have fun, but don’t go fucking naked in front of everyone. You’re so fucking stupid. What if someone uploads a video of you online and it goes viral? Would any company hire you?” Jihoon swears, and he’s yelling loud enough for it to echo around the room until it’s the only sound that they hear.

“I’m sorry.” replies Soonyoung blankly, and that’s enough for Jihoon to feel bad for cursing at him. But, he just sighs, dusting off his top with his hand gently like he was saying it’s alright. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

“I’m not looking out for you.” he snaps back quickly.

“Nope, you’re definitely looking out for me.” Soonyoung giggles, a little childish to be sober yet too genuine to be drunk, “Thank you. Don’t sweat it.”

Lee Jihoon wasn’t always this caring towards him. He was like a brick wall the first few months Soonyoung found him appearing around campus, and thought that the constant encounters were some kind of message from the heavens. They were in two different worlds, Soonyoung in his performing arts department and Jihoon in music production, which its building was located in the far end of the university, almost invisible. It came to Soonyoung’s surprise when Jihoon and him actually became close friends, but not quite platonic as he’d think—they certainly aren’t an item, but there’s a spark that Soonyoung can’t really describe. He didn’t feel invisible to him, and he’s praying Jihoon feels the same way.

“You’re so lucky to have Jihoon beside you, hyung. ” They’re back downstairs having a couple more rounds of drinks, almost having to shout over the loud music. It’s probably around 1 A.M., and none of the programs for the seniors have started yet. Soonyoung’s not leaving until it does.

“Aren’t you lucky you have me?” teases Mingyu, and Seungkwan beams back at him.

“Yes, I’m very lucky.”

Seungcheol is with them, now fully clothed, except it was sloppily put on like he didn’t mind if the button of his pants is shamelessly busted open. Not really expected from a guy in the anthropology department, because he seemed like such a composed student during school hours. College is different, and it makes you different; he didn’t expect to stick with so many different kinds of people compared to high school. “You two will break up after you graduate. Believe me.”

“Hyung, you’re such a dick.” Jihoon blows a fist at Seungcheol’s side, but he doesn’t react. This guy is made of stone.

“You know why we hold parties every time the seniors graduate?” Seungcheol starts, pointing at everyone in the circle, “It’s because it’s a bye-bye to young adult life, and a hello to maturity. This is like the last checkpoint before you spread your wings wider than ever before, and you leave everything behind. That’s the bitter truth! You’re damn lucky if you keep him even after you graduate, Boo Seungkwan.”

Leave everything behind. I’m leaving everything behind?

“I think we won’t go anywhere, hyung!” Mingyu protests, scooting Seungkwan closer to him in a side hug, which makes the younger laugh.

“Good.” Seungcheol finishes.

Soonyoung makes it through the night with Jihoon by his side. It’s easy not to take things seriously when you’re wasted. When the program for the seniors finally starts an hour and a half later, one by one, the seniors that volunteered to extend a speech standing atop the same table Seungcheol and him stripped on are crying, and so is the crowd. Seungcheol, who gained a lot of popularity for his performance earlier, steps up after many. Soonyoung understands every word and every sentence that Seungcheol passionately pours out, even droplets of tears resting on his eyelashes, but once he volunteers to stand and give a speech, his mind goes quiet. Blank. He’s speechless, overwhelmed with the feeling of his chest light as a feather, something that Soonyoung had wished to feel for a very long time. Yet, at the same time, it was heavy, because the words that Soonyoung let out were wistful.

“I will never forget the time I spent here with all of you.” Soonyoung begins to finish his speech, all eyes looking up at him: “Graduating isn’t a loss, instead, it’s a new beginning. That’s how I like to think. We all wish to rewind time and start this year all over again, but that doesn’t mean we’ll forget everything. We’re going to move on in life, carrying the same spirit we’ve carried throughout the four exhausting yet irreplaceable years of our life! Let’s keep the senior spirit going, seniors!”

Then everyone in the house cheers, including the freshmen, sophomores and juniors present, all with glistening eyes from Soonyoung’s heartwarming speech, and then the night eventually ends and goes quiet, both sadness and hope hanging in the air.

1 day before graduation.

Received: Mom <3
7:57 A.M.
You coming home today?

Sent: Soonyoung
7:59 A.M.
I’m on my way~~~ I love you

Sunday is Soonyoung’s favorite day. It means that he’ll be coming back to his childhood home, where there is a sufficient supply of food and love that he’s always received in his childhood and adolescence before moving into an apartment far from his place. Though he slept during the wee hours of the morning, and now is up early to catch the long bus ride with a hangover, Soonyoung is filled with an unexplainable excitement. Tomorrow, he is graduating. He tucked his toga and hat in his luggage with only two hours of sleep, along with empty tupperwares that he knows his mother will fill up by the end of this day and bring home to his sad refrigerator. He misses everything about the days of his youth: packed lunch, Seokmin, Chan, and worrying less about the real world.

Joshua.

Soonyoung chuckles remembering his name. It’s been a while since he thought of him. It wasn’t the best goodbye, he hates to admit, and it was the most harsh thing he’s done to anyone. Not a lot of people knew about it, not even Seokmin—at least, not the whole story. It’s a closure that still feels heavy in his chest like it wasn’t much of closure at all, even though it ended at Joshua’s rejection. Time was enough for him to forget about him enough to not feel sad whenever he hears Joshua in his thoughts, but not enough for him to completely forget about him. He’d be going against the speech he gave last night if he did.

Thirty minutes pass by of him trying to gather any recollection of the senior party, hopefully anything he'd want to forget again, then the bus halts at his stop. He hasn’t had much sleep and the smell of alcohol still lingers in his mouth, so he sits in the same place for too long still deep in his thoughts, until the sound of the doors closing wakes him up. “Wait! Stop!” he jolts up, rushes to the doors and bangs on it in panic.

“Geez, kid. Pay more attention.” scowls the bus driver as he lets the doors open again.

“I’m sorry!” he yelps then steps off, the bus zooming away in an instant. He’s embarrassed himself yet again, and he’s pouting about it. “Kwon Soonyoung, you’re such a doof sometimes. Seriously.” he vigorously scratches his scalp remorsefully, flailing his legs up and down. People on the sidewalk peer at him, which makes Soonyoung clear his throat and tense back up.

“How old are you?” a standbyer beside him asks in a teasing tone, and Soonyoung feels irritated.

“I’m 21 years old,” he revolts, patting his hair to fix the mess he scratched in impulse.

“You haven’t changed one bit.”

Soonyoung freezes. He slowly turns his head to turn towards the voice, and his luggage slips off his fingers. This man is tall, dressed sophisticatedly in a long coat and a turtleneck, and his deer-like eyes are looking straight back into Soonyoung’s, almost melancholic. His hair isn’t curly anymore, it’s pushed back neatly and he wears big circular glasses. He has two big pulley luggages with him, as if he’s permanently going far away. Soonyoung is so paralyzed looking at every detail of the man in front of him that he forgets to respond.

“I’m guessing you’re a college junior by now, or something. You’ve grown a lot taller,” he says.

“Senior.” adds Soonyoung, tearing his eyes away from him, “I’m a college senior. I’m graduating tomorrow.”

“Can you please look at me, Soonyoung?” It has been a while since he’s heard Joshua say his name. Heck, it’s been too long. His chest feels heavy and all he wants is to run away, but it’s hard to run away from Hong Joshua, even if he’s done it for so long.

Soonyoung succumbs and looks at him straight in the eyes. They’re ten feet apart, but it feels like they’re so close. Joshua’s eyes are longingly staring at his, and it’s nothing uncomfortable at all. Joshua would look at Soonyoung and he’d feel like he could soar in the clouds without a fear in the world. The only difference now is that he doesn’t feel that way anymore, instead his heart is beating like a drum unsure of what to say. This isn’t happening.

“Nothing. I just wanted to look at you.” Joshua smiles, then turns his head away. Soonyoung’s shoulders deflate from the tension. Maybe it is easier to talk to Joshua when he isn’t looking at him like that.

“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung whispers out after a minute of silence, none of them moving from their positions, “I didn’t want to ignore you. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

Joshua’s lips turn upward then looks down at his shoes. “I was the one who rejected you, not the other way around.”

Ouch.“Well, if you put it that way…”

“I didn’t want to, though.”

“What do you mean?” a reluctant shiver in his voice.

“I mean I wanted you and I to be a thing, dummy.” Joshua admits so suddenly that it makes Soonyoung cough on his saliva, then the older laughs. “Sorry, was that too abrupt?”

Soonyoung is confused, his whole body going numb at the sentence he refuses to believe. Nonetheless, keeping up the conversation is the decision he’d regret less than running away right now. “No, don’t worry. I just reacted badly.”

Joshua laughs again. Soonyoung looks at him and can’t help but stifle a laugh too, and for a moment everything is lighter. Time rewinds for one splitting second, and Soonyoung wishes it could last a little longer. “I… wanted you and I to be a thing, too.” says Soonyoung.

“You always copy what I say.” he remarks, which makes Soonyoung snort. It’s Joshua’s language for being speechless, and it’s funny how he’s speechless, because that makes two of them.

None of them exchange anything for a while. They’re both standing by the bus stop like they had just met for the first time, smiles glued upon their lips like it won’t be going down any time soon. It’s a comfortable silence. It’s always been a comfortable silence with Joshua. Soonyoung’s still confused; there are so many questions he wants to ask, but he waits.

“I’m leaving, you know.” says Joshua, catching Soonyoung’s attention.

“What?”

“I’m going to America to finish my studies for post-grad. I’m really happy about it.”

Somehow, Soonyoung hears his heart shatter. “Oh. Yeah, I remember you telling me. That’s really great, hyung. I hope you’re happier there.” Soonyoung inhales then exhales, his fingers curling up to close, “Why…did you reject me?”

Joshua smiles then it fades quickly, “As much as I wanted to love you wholeheartedly, I just couldn’t. Everything came to me so suddenly that I just wasn’t ready to give you everything. And after what Yoon Jeonghan did to me...I was… just scared, Soonyoung.”

Yoon Jeonghan. Soonyoung's tried time and again to forget him, too. It was easy on his side, but Joshua's wounds were still open and Soonyoung hates that he didn't notice. “I was scared, too.”he admits.

“We were both just scared, huh? But we both had a good run, didn't we?” And there’s a pain in Joshua’s voice that reminds Soonyoung of all their shared moments together, and the could have’s that might have led to a completely different story for the both of them. A part of Soonyoung regrets letting Joshua go so easily, but another part of him is thankful he met Joshua like this again. After four bitter years of keeping his high school crush at the back of his mind like a rusting artifact on display, it seems like this was finally the end of it. This was the closure that both of them needed.

“Yeah.” Soonyoung finishes. Joshua’s gently smiling at him, and he’s smiling back. The morning sunlight just makes Joshua’s eyes look even prettier, and surprisingly, it isn’t sorrowful. Soonyoung thinks about how much he’ll miss looking right at them.

“No hard feelings?” says Joshua, holding out a hand. Soonyoung stares at it reluctantly, then reaches out to hold it. He is warm to the touch.

“No hard feelings.” echoes Soonyoung.

Things fall apart. One of them is him and Joshua. This book had become a novel of mystery instead of a romantic-comedy, because Joshua was such a mystery to Soonyoung despite all the things he knew about him. Now, everything about Hong Joshua sits deep in his long-term memory, but today, it’s bubbled up to the surface, yet ready to come back down again.

"We all wish to rewind time and start this year all over again, but that doesn’t mean we’ll forget everything."

Soonyoung doesn’t want to forget about Hong Joshua. In fact, he doesn’t know what his life would be without meeting him. But he was gone in an instant, back in his life again, and he’s going away the same way, too.

A taxi arrives in front of Joshua. He helps place his baggage in the back then enters the front seat while Soonyoung watches. Before Joshua closes the door, he hesitates, looking back at him one more time. Then in the next second he’s gone, and Soonyoung crouches on the ground holding his knees close to his chest and cries. He stays there for a long time. It’s one last thing he needs to let out before letting him go, wholly.

Hong Joshua, the senior that junior Soonyoung had a big fat crush on, following him like a string was tied to their ankles, has now become a memory. At least he wasn’t invisible to him anymore. There is not a single world where Soonyoung would choose to continue being invisible to Hong Joshua. He was worth it. All of it.

As night falls by Soonyoung’s bedroom window, he watches an airplane buzz by in the sky. It could be going anywhere right now. For Soonyoung, it’s forward.

Hong Joshua moves on, and so does he.

4 years ago.

“Hey, Soonyoung.”

“Mm?”

“What would you feel if I went back to the states?”

“Huh? I’d feel thrilled for you, of course! Isn’t that what you want?”

“I’ll miss some things about Korea, though.”

“Hyung, just follow your dreams. Don’t worry about anyone else.”

“I can’t do that. You’re one thing I’ll miss a lot.”

“Oh…”

“Haha. If ever I do leave though, would you be okay?”

“Are you kidding? I’d be happy for you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Okay, Kwon Soonyoung. Let’s both be happy, then.”

“You go first, Hong Joshua.”

“You want me to leave already?”

“Hey, you know I don’t mean it that way.”

“I know. Anyway, it’s getting late. I'll go hang up now. I’ll see you tomorrow morning at the bus at eight as usual, Soonyoung!”

“And what if I don’t show up at eight as usual?”

“Then I’ll wait for you.”