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He’s scared. The window is open. Who opened it? He has to close it. Now.
His breath goes faster, his vision starts to blurry, his hands are shaking. He’s fighting his demons. His demons that makes anything horrible. The demons that take control over him, the demons that makes him feel like shit.
Dear Chan,
I really love you; you know? And I am so sorry for what I did but I couldn-
No, no stop thinking! Stop writing letters! No, please… let me alone.
Is all he can think before his demons take control over him.
Do you think you are worth this breath? The effort you take everyone? Everything would turn better without you, wouldn’t it? Look, this window, it’s open. Jump, just jump. You wouldn’t survive it, would you? Isn’t it that what you want? Don’t you think the people around you deserve to break free from you?
No, I`ll get better!
Oh, really? Will you really? Just think about all the looks you’ll get; think about all the pressure you will go through… won’t it be easier? Not the window? The knifes in the kitchen are sharp enough. Or tie the choker to close. You can always die.
I need to talk to my friends.
And what will they think, hmh? You can write them letters if they are this important to you.
“Lix? Lix? Felix!” A familiar voice calls him making him look up. “Oh yeah Changbin hyung, what it is?” A fake smile replaces the frown on his face to make sure that the older boy won’t worry about him. “Wanna come eat?” the younger just nods and follows him. At lunch he barely dares to look up, pretending to be too investigated with his food. He just knows someone would notice something, Seungmin’s always able to tell when he had a panic attack by just looking in his eyes. Jisung as his twin definitely could tell that he feels hunted by his won thoughts and then there’s Minho… Minho who always seems to understand. Minho whose hug would always make everything better. Minho who is just… way too perfect.
As the dinner is finally finished Felix returns in his room as fast as possible. Subconsciously he starts to think again.
I would put the letters on my desk. Or no, I could make photos of them, put the original in the trash and then just write “if I success please look at my gallery under “success” my code is 2150”! “Dear Minho, I love you. I love you with my whole heart and I always will. I am sorry for what I did but I couldn’t take it anymore. I really hope you aren’t mad at me.
He doesn’t even notice the tears slipping down his cheeks. He doesn’t notice how the pen in his hand starts to write the exact same phrases down. He always refused to write the actual letters; it makes it feel real – more real than it already is. He looks down at the sentences he wrote, the paper that got wet from his tears.
A quick look to his window… it’s still open. Should he?
He slowly stands up, directing his feet to the window. He looks down, no way someone could survive this. He should do it this night. Not when someone is awake.
Tonight, I will die.
He slowly opens the window a bit further, just to take a closer look. He won’t do it now… at the other hand… he leans more forward… just… just a little bit more and he would fall. For sure. He would succeed.
“Hey Lix have you seen my- Lix?!” Fuck. With a fast step Minho closes his arm around Felix waist. “Careful Lixie, a bit further and you would’ve fallen!” He explains softly to the younger who just replied with a small, nearly inaudible “Exactly.”
Minho just brings the younger dancer closer to his chest and closes the window firmly. Somehow it feels right to Felix to be hugged by the older like this, somehow it feels right how Minho drags him to the bed and sits down with him on his lap. Somehow it feels right to lie his head on the elder’s chest. Latter softly strokes his hair, displaying love and affection towards the crying boy. Felix hasn’t even noticed when he started to cry but here, he is, sobbing on the lap of the boy he’s fallen for.
“Lixie, hey… talk to me. I got you, hyung’s got you.” He slowly wipes the tears away, focusing just on the boy on his lap. Felix looks so tiny, so vulnerable.
Finally, the boy starts to tell him under a lot of tears and hiccups what happened. “I wanna die hyung. I want to die since a long time. There… are always these thoughts…” Minho freezes, shocked. Who wouldn’t be when someone this close to you says things like this? “I… I… need to distract myself to not think about it hyung… I can’t deal with this…” Felix cries harder and Minho continues to stroke his hair, just letting him know about his presence and that he’s there for him. “Shsh let it all out Lixie.”
And so, they are sitting for good twenty minutes, Felix crying his heart out while attempting to say anything and Minho calming him down and reassuring him that it is okay to cry. “Hyung… can you…” “Yes Lixie, what it is?” He asks softly after the younger doesn’t continue his sentence. “Let me die?” “No baby, I am sorry. I can do a lot of things but not letting you die.” Felix buries his face in the elder’s chest, hiding himself from everything outside, even his demons are leaving him alone, while he is cuddled up into a little ball on Minhos lap. “B-baby?” “I’m sorry if you don’t like it, I will stop.” Minho apologizes immediately. “N… no it is fine hyung.”
Minho smiles a warm smile and finally, finally the younger doesn’t cry anymore. “Will you tell me what happens baby? I mean if you don’t want to that’s fine but I am here for you.” Felix slowly swallows deeply but then nods his head. “I’ll tell you hyung but you cannot tell anyone else.” “Promise Pixie.”
“Can you… maybe let me talk and not interrupt me?” Felix requests shyly. “Of course, little one. Take your time.” The freckled boy takes a last deep breath because starting his monologue.
“I really want to die. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. I can’t deal with it anymore hyung. I have those times where… when I don’t concentrate properly all those thoughts come in… I don’t even notice it! I need to actively think about something else to stop them… I can’t… do this anymore…”
Minho says nothing for a while, just comforting the younger. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you could’ve told us. We love you so much Pixie. I know I know what you are gonna say, don’t look at me like this. I am also very sorry, that I didn’t notice. It must’ve been so hard for you my poor baby.” Minho says in a soft voice, trying his best to calm the heartbeat of the younger which is obviously quickening during his speech.
“Hyung… why are you doing this?” “Because I love you. Like love love. This probably isn’t the perfect situation to tell you but I’ve always been interested in you. First, I thought it is a crush but now… you are way more than a crush for me. I genuinely like… no, love you.”
The blush on the smaller boy’s face is reddening more and more with each word and Minho thinks it is adorable. “You don’t have to say anything about it, it’s fine. But you should know there is someone who loves you, wants to protect you – to all costs. Who wants to call you theirs. And this someone is me.”
This whole situation might seem kind of unrealistic but for the two of them it is just right. Sure, the situation of Felix isn’t ideal but right now the presence of the other is just perfect. Sure, they will have a proper talk about it later, but not now. Sure, Minho is worried about the younger, but for now he is safe in his arms.
“Hyung? Can I sleep with you tonight?” “Of course, Pixie. I wouldn’t allow it any other way.” Felix softly smiles at the older who returns it immediately and softly kisses his forehead. “Should we get ready for sleep?”
“Yes, we should. But… you don’t have any clothes here hyungie.” Felix’ voice sounds small, lost and somehow also anxious. “I know, I don’t. But I can get them really quick if you ant me to. If not, I am just going to sleep without them, I don’t mind.” “Don’t leave me alone hyung! Please do not leave me by my own!” The younger sounds petrified and extremely vulnerable. “Okay pretty boy. I’ll sleep clothe less then.” “No?” Even though it sounds more like a question, Minho would never go against his wish. “Hmh... Wanna come with me and get them together?” He proposes.
Felix nods and takes the elders hand. “This is okay.”
Minho pays especially attention to not getting seen by the other members so that they won’t ask questions. “You’re fine Pixie. We’re just getting the clothes and then we head into your room and can cuddle all night, how does that sound?” Felix nods in consent, feeling the pain in his chest slowly getting less hurtful. Suddenly he is not too sad about failing his attempt, seeing Minho smile one of his beautiful smiles. Suddenly he wants those arms to hold him forever. Suddenly he wants this boy to protect him. To love him.
Finally, both boys are safe in Felix room, changing. Minho turns around when Felix starts to change and this subtle thing makes Felix heart warm. They all see each other naked often but Minho still turns around to not make him uncomfortable. Finally, they are lying in the youngers bed, the elder’s arms lying secured around Felix waist.
“Thank you.” The younger says after twenty minutes in which Minho seems to be asleep. He looks peaceful and somehow angelic. To Felix, this Minho is ethereal. And he could swear to see the older smile at his expression of gratitude. Feeling safe into the older dancers grasp he finally closes his eyes and drifts into dreamland. For the first time in a plenty of weeks he sleeps calmful through the night without having a nightmare. For the first time in weeks his dreams are not about himself dying. But about the beautiful life safer right next to him.