Chapter Text
The voice was fading to background noise when her mind zoned out and Lily started thinking about everything else but not what Professor Binns was talking about. Lately, in situations like this, she started daydreaming about a very specific scenario, in which she was confessing her feelings to a wonderful girl who was sitting just two benches away from her. The afternoon sun, that shone through the window on the side of the classroom, hit her hair perfectly and made the blonde highlights shine like molten gold. Narcissa rested her head on her one hand while taking notes with her other. She was facing away from Lily, who in return kept looking at her. The scenes she was imagining, in which she told Narcissa that she liked her, really liked her, always changed. Sometimes they were in an empty classroom, then on the castle grounds and other times they were in the middle of the great hall. Lily had to admit, that especially the last option was highly unlikely to ever happen and if she was completely honest with herself, she knew that she just had a stupid crush on a girl she’d never get. But Lily wasn’t going to deny herself the daydreaming and fantastic view while it lasted.
“Lily?” She heard a faint voice beside her. “Hey Evans!”
Lily snapped out of her imaginations and turned her head around. The rest of the students were already packing up their books and chatting away while leaving the classroom. She saw Narcissa grabbing her parchments while talking to a friend. Narcissa’s eyes darted up and for a split second they locked on Lily’s before the blonde witch turned away, a faint smile on her lips.
“Lily, come on!” Another voice appeared next to her and black curly hair came into her view as well.
“Sorry, guys!” She said absently to her friends. James and Sirius were waiting for her and shared a confused look while she was getting her books sorted.
“Okay, let’s go,” Lily said when she had finished packing and they left for their common room.
“Why so preoccupied today?” James asked her with a smirk. “Dreaming about a boy?” He teased her. Lily hit him with her elbow.
“Stop it, Potter!” She said. “I was dreaming about dinner later, I’m starving already!” And with that she walked off. Lily heard James and Sirius follow her and by the time they reached their common room they were directly next to her again.
“You know, I don’t believe you.” James said with a grin.
“And that’s entirely your problem,” Lily answered while stepping through the entrance. Upon walking into the room she immediately spotted a familiar figure sitting by the fireplace and reading a book.
“Remus,” Sirius exclaimed behind her and pushed past Lily to sit down next to their mutual friend. “We missed you in class today!”
Remus closed his book and smiled at the others. “And I enjoyed some quiet reading time,” He laughed.
“So you’re feeling better,” Lily asked and Remus nodded.
“Yes,” He said.
Lily had just recently been let in on the secret that Remus was hiding with the help of James, Sirius and Peter and from what she had heard, his transformation really took a toll on him every time it happened. She felt honored that Remus trusted her enough with this. “
Where is Peter?” James asked.
“Upstairs,” Remus replied. “He said, he needed a nap.”
“A nap would be amazing,” Sirius laughed. “But I don’t want to miss out on dinner.”
“You’re always hungry!” Remus shook his head and was smiling, too, his gaze lingering on Sirius.
When they arrived at the great hall for dinner later that evening Sirius and Lily couldn’t wait any longer. They had been complaining about being hungry for the past hour. As soon as they sat down both of them started to dig into the food that was being served.
“Pigs,” James commented which prompted Remus and Peter to laugh.
“Adorable pigs,” Sirius said with remnants of pumpkin pasties in his mouth. James grimaced at that and shook his head.
“When it’s tasty, I don’t care how I look while eating,” Lily explained and took another bite of her sandwich. “Besides, you have seen me in more dire conditions.”
James laughed. He remembered that morning she was referring to very clearly and the other boys did too. It had happened a few weeks ago during a potions class. Lily had been working on their assignment together with James and another girl from their year. Usually, working with Lily meant a good result but that day something had gone wrong. After the accident they hadn’t been sure anymore whose fault it had been, though Lily could swear she had seen James throw in way too much Abraxan hair. The result of which had been a minor explosion. Lily, who had been standing closest to the cauldron, had lost parts of her eyebrows and unfortunately also burned off the ends of her long hair. She had tried to cut her hair in order to have it the same length all around her head instead of randomly burnt off bits, but she hadn’t succeeded in growing back her eyebrows. That’s why she had been walking around with only half of her eyebrows and an awkward haircut. But Lily didn’t mind as much. When she remembered it now it was mostly funny to her. Although, she was a little sad and embarrassed that Narcissa had been in the same class that day and had seen Lily like that. But she couldn’t change it now anyways, so she grabbed another sandwich and continued eating.
“But what if that boy you like walks by?” Sirius insisted.
“Which boy?” Remus asked since he didn’t know what they were talking about.
“No one,” Lily said quickly.
“Today during class Lils was very absentminded and because she was staring at someone, we think she might have little crush on one of the boys in class.” James’ explanation wasn’t entirely wrong but Lily definitely wasn’t going to tell everyone that she had a major crush on Narcissa Black. She said nothing and just looked from one of her friends to the next.
“Okay, is it Thomas?” James suggested. “Or Marcus? Oh, oh Lily, or is it Lucius?”
The boys were wheezing, just Sirius seemed like his mood had shifted from being cheerful and teasing to moody and preoccupied. Lily shook her head.
“Stop it, you’re annoying!” But she had to laugh at how her friends were trying to guess who she had a crush on. While she was putting a slice of cucumber that had fallen out of her sandwich into her mouth she caught a glimpse of a certain someone. Narcissa was walking down the Great Hall to the Slytherin table, greeting some of her fellow students on the way. For a second she looked over to the Gryffindors and to Lily, who was staring back, cucumber in hand. Hastily, she put down the cucumber and turned her face away. James and Peter were arguing over another Slytherin boy.
“As if she likes that weird guy,” James said.
“You never know! Girls sometimes have a weird taste in boys,” Sirius suddenly chimed in again and glanced at Remus before turning to Lily. “Do you have a crush on that guy Severus? Didn’t you use to hang out with him?”
She nodded.
“WHAT?” James shouted and some other students turned their heads over to them. “What?” he repeated a bit quieter.
Lily shook her head then, trying to swallow the bite of her sandwich quickly because she wanted to clarify that she definitely didn’t have a crush on Severus.
“What now?” Sirius asked and furrowed his brows.
“Now let her be” Remus interjected. Lily finished her bite and smiled at Remus.
“Thank you! At least one somewhat sensible person here!” she exclaimed. “No, I don’t have a crush on Severus but yes, we used to hang out sometimes but recently, I don’t know, it’s different.”
“In what way?” Remus asked.
“Just his behavior. He has changed. I don’t enjoy spending time with him as much anymore.”
“Well, I told you looked weird,” James said. Lily shot him a glance.
“You, James Potter, should stop bullying others for their looks. Especially, when you look like the last time you used a brush for your hair was two years ago.” She tossed her sandwich back onto the plate and looked at every one of her friends. Sirius started to laugh and ruffled James’ hair.
“She is right, your hair is a mess.”
“Says you!” James replied and started to laugh as well.
Lily exchanged a look with Remus.
“Idiots,” she smiled.
The next day Lily couldn’t concentrate in class at all. She was thinking of how embarrassing her behavior had been the evening before. But Narcissa had looked at her and noticed her at least. She smiled while she was cutting bitterroot for the potion they were preparing. She was working next to a table with Slytherin students – including Narcissa Black. Lily glanced over to them when she heard the soft laugh of the blonde witch. They were giggling about something. Not paying attention to what she was doing she didn’t notice that she was cutting too close to her fingers until it was too late. A sudden pain shot through her hand and warm liquid started to stream out of the wound.
“Miss Evans!” Professor Slughorn exclaimed when he saw the blood on his student’s hand while observing his class. Quickly, he walked over to her.
“It’s okay, Professor,” Lily said hastily when she noticed the other students staring at her. Professor Slughorn looked at her hand up close.
“No, Miss Evans, that is a deep cut! It’s better to go see Madam Pomfrey. We don’t want you bleeding into your Burning Bitterroot Balm.”
He ushered her out of the classroom and Lily felt James looking at her intensely. When the door closed behind her Lily sighed. She was really making a fool out of herself in front of everyone – and just because she couldn’t stop thinking about Narcissa. Slowly she made her way to the hospital wing. First the explosion and now the cut. This had to stop or else she might fall of her broom during the next flying lesson and really hurt herself.
After the classes were over for the day Lily avoided James because she didn’t feel like talking to him. He would just pester her with questions she didn’t want to answer. Instead Lily had been looking for Remus for a while now. He would not judge her. When she finally found him sitting in a corner of the library she hesitated. Lily knew that all of the boys could keep secrets or else the whole school would already know of Remus’ and she knew he trusted her since he let her in on his secret. Still, she was unsure if she should burden him with her childish problem. But he was the one she felt the most comfortable with talking.
Remus was studying with several books open and scattered around the desk in front of him. Quietly, Lily approached him. His eyes darted up to her when he noticed the witch standing next to him. “Hi,” she whispered, very well aware that Madam Pince would magically appear next to them if she was just one decibel too loud in her sacred library.
“Hello Lily,” Remus replied, his voice sounded surprised. He made room for her on the bench next to him so she could sit down.
“It’s alright, I was just wondering if we could go to Hogsmeade later?”
Remus gave her questioning look but nodded. “Sure, just let me finish this assignment. Let’s say in about 45 minutes?”
Lily smiled. “Great! See you then!”
She turned around and left the library leaving a puzzled Remus behind. They were friends, very good friends, but usually they all hung out together or at least not in pairs. He decided to shrug it off and rather focus on his essay. He would find out soon enough what this was about. After all, they all had noticed Lily’s rather strange behavior in the past weeks.
Exactly 45 minutes later the two met in front of the big gates leading out of the castle.
“Thanks for making time for me,” Lily said as they started to walk onto the grounds.
“Sure,” Remus replied. “Though it was kind of surprising that you asked me.”
Lily glanced at him.
“Well, I wanted to talk to you and usually James, Sirius and Peter hang around and right now I don’t want them involved.”
“That sounds rather serious,” Remus stated and sounded concerned. Lily smiled and shook her head.
“No, it’s nothing to worry about, it’s just – I don’t know – I think I need to tell someone about it.” She sighed and looked up to the cloudy sky. The cold air filling her lungs felt good and made her calm down and bring peace to her chaotic thoughts and feelings.
“James told me you cut your hand in class?” Remus gestured to the bandage on her hand. Lily looked angry. What else did she expect from James? Of course, did he tell his friends about her accident in class.
“Yes, I didn’t pay attention to what I was doing,” she admitted quietly.
“Seems like that happens a lot more often recently.” Remus raised his eyebrows. Lily stopped walking and huffed. They were standing in the middle of the pathway leading down to Hogsmeade.
“Yes, it does! That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
Remus gave her a questioning look. “Oh, okay?” he wondered.
“Lately I can’t think straight. My mind always wanders to other things instead of paying attention in class. I didn’t want to talk to any of my girl friends because I think they would turn it into big drama,” Lily explained and added after a short moment. “And also because they are no good at keeping secrets.”
“You want me to keep this a secret?” Remus asked.
“Yes, please! At least for now.”
“Of course. I won’t tell anyone. Are you going to explain what this is about?” Remus hoped that Lily wasn’t going to tell him what he was expecting her to tell him. That would mean that he had to break her heart and he really didn’t want to do that. Mentally, Remus prepared himself for exactly that scenario.
Lily turned away from him because she felt like it was easier to explain it when she wasn’t looking directly at Remus. She had to admit, that she felt uncomfortable talking about her feelings because saying it out loud made it true. In her head it still felt unreal and far away but that was about to change.
“As you and the others might have guessed I have feelings for someone,” Lily said. Remus looked at her, eyes wide. He was shocked and anxious that his fear would become true.
“Lily, I- “ He began but was interrupted.
Lily just quickly wanted to say it, get it over with.
“And the thing is I’ve never had feelings for a girl before and that makes it a bit confusing for me.”
“You have a crush on a girl?” Remus had to admit he was relieved but at the same time he knew that it must be hard for Lily to accept those feelings. After all it took himself a long time to come to terms with the fact he was in love with a boy who would probably never like him back.
“Yes, Remus. And do you know what makes it even worse? I’m in love with Narcissa Black.”
Lily looked at her friend. Her eyes were searching his face for a negative reaction, but he just didn’t say anything for a moment. Then his lips turned into a smile.
“Love isn’t always easy and you can’t just switch off your feelings. It’s fine, Lily.” He took a step closer to her and pulled her into an embrace. Lily closed her eyes and hugged Remus.
“Thank you! It means a lot!” She pulled back and look at her friend. “And it feels better to have talked to someone about it.”
“I’m glad,” Remus said. “And you can always come to me if you need to talk. Shall we go for a butterbeer now?”
“Yes, absolutely! Also, I have to come up with a plan to stop messing up in class!” Lily laughed and she and Remus continued their walk down to Hogsmeade.
“Have you thought about just telling her? I know, I know, it’s hard and I’m a hypocrite here because I never told my crush that I like them, especially not when I think that they don’t like me back. But it’s probably the easiest way to find out for sure.”
“Easy?” Lily exclaimed. “It’s not easy at all. Narcissa barely acknowledges me, and when she did I had a piece of cucumber in my face and then hurt myself in class.”
“Do you have a better plan?” Remus asked and opened the door to the Three Broomsticks when they finally had arrived.
“Not really,” Lily replied and started to look for an empty table for them. Remus followed her to a small one in the back she had spotted.
“I’ll get us two butterbeers,” Remus said after hanging his jacket over the seat and then walked over to the bar to order. There weren’t many students sitting at the tables since it was exam season and therefore the library was unusually crowded instead of the Three Broomsticks.
“Thank you,” Lily smiled when Remus came back and placed a butterbeer in front of her. She took a sip from the drink.
“Mhhm,” she made. “Ao you mentioned that you never told your crush you liked them. You never mentioned anyone.”
“Oh, don’t try to make this about me,” Remus said and even though he put on a smile his voice sounded slightly cold and unhappy.
“Sorry,” Lily said and looked down onto her hands. She didn’t intend to hurt Remus.
“Want to know why I came to talk to you then?” She offered in an attempt to change the topic. Remus raised is eyes to meet hers.
“James and Sirius are always so loud – don’t get me wrong, they are good friends – but I don’t feel like they would really understand this, especially James. I was afraid that he would make fun of me or think that it’s a joke. James and Sirius aren’t much for listening, rather jump to the action right away. And Peter, well, he keeps to himself a lot, I don’t know if I could talk to him. But I trust you, Remus. You’re a good listener and ever since that one night I know I can trust you because I know that you trust me.”