Archive of Our Own

Seniors, it seemed, got the best of the best of the most completely exclusive dances: homecoming, prom, winter formal! While, yes, they were more expensive, they were also significantly better because they were so: no crappy cupcakes some teacher baked late one night that tastes like despair over a low paying job. Next year, they would be seniors, they only had to wait a couple more months but here, now, they had a chance for an exclusive dance of their own: a Valentine’s Day dance. The student body committee had decided to hold a dance exclusively for juniors, as freshmen and sophomores had been able to get a New Year’s dance. Seniors had prom coming up but juniors, for the second year after the initial idea was pitched, finally had their own semi-formal dance with semi-professional cupcakes. So, while the prices were cheap and the dress code not stuffy, why not share in the joy to be had and go? There is nothing to lose but the memories a Valentine’s Day dance might provide. This was the pitch Alex had used on their table early in the morning over breakfast, a tri-fold poster accompanying the presentation.

Their table, consisting of Sam, Lukas, Ethan, and some kid who had nowhere else to sit but mainly kept to themselves, all stared up at him, just slightly dumbfounded. This was the same Alex who, in every year prior, had refused to do anything but scream in agony every morning for simply existing consciously. The same guy now stood in front of them, behind a bright red board that looked well worked on, grinning like it wasn’t 7 am and their breakfast wasn’t gross burritos and apple slices. He stared each of them in the eye, before continuing, circling their table much like a buzzard over their dinner.

“‘But Alex,’ you might be wondering, ‘Devilishly handsome Alex, why should I spend 15 bucks to spend 2 and a half hours stuck in a sweaty sardine can. What’s in it for me?’” He continued. “Except for Sam, she’s exempted from my presentation, she bought her ticket when they announced it.”

“They said there was gonna be kolaches, popcorn, and chocolate-covered strawberries! And spicy gummy bears!” she pleaded her case at Lukas’ and Ethan’s collective stare.

“Now, now, don’t pick on our sunshine teddy bear because she makes good life choices. Think about it, E, Lukas! More Ethan than Lukas. Actually, only Ethan — picture it! People are dancing in the center of the room, music blares over rented speakers. You’re sitting down when, from the mess of human appendages, she appears, looking like a dream. It’s Cinder. She’s wearing a red dress, an off-shoulder one, with that necklace you gave her for winter break! The one you hid in her locker? Her hair is done curled and nice,” Alex points to a picture on his board, “And she has that smile that you love so much. She comes right up to you, asks you for a dance as the music begins slowing down. The crowd parts as you make your way to the dancefloor, and you dance with her in your own secluded part of the world! Not in the center, but she’s looking at you like you are.”

“Is this why you asked me about hairstyles and dress types?” Sam said, just as Lukas said, “Oh, come on! If you’re gonna try to convince him to go to something that is the bane of his literal existence, at least make the fantasy you're trying to get him to picture something realistic!”

“I’m with Lukas on this one," Ethan said. "The last time I tried to talk to her, I dropped my bag and it broke and all my stuff spilled out everywhere. The chance she’d even notice me in that crowd, let alone ask me to dance, and then thinking about all those people staring at me because you know I dance horribly when we get to the actual dancefloor. It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it- ugh, no thanks, no.”

And then that thing happened: that thing only best friends are allowed to do for the specific reason of being best friends. Something that meant Alex was dead serious on this happening the way he dreamed of: Alex made a public show of getting on his knees and screaming out, “Please, please, please, please! I’ll do anything to get you to go with me! I don’t want it to just be me and Sam, Sam’s popular and I’ll be left alone by myself looking stupid!”

“You’re doing a good job of looking stupid all on your own,” Lukas commented, just as Ethan’s shoulders slowly raising to meet his ears, burying his face in his jacket as people began to look in on the show.

“Get up, Alex or I swear to god, I’ll physically murder you.”

“You’ve killed me in the past and I’m still here. Agree to go and I’ll get up off this floor,” he grinned, before beginning to raise his voice once again, overdramatic frown on his face. “Oh, please, E, please! I shall be your slave if you —”

Ethan shoved his hands over the other’s mouth, cheeks flushing as he interrupted his friend, hissing out, "Shut up" repeatedly. He only recoiled in disgust as the teen on his knees licked the palm of his blue-haired friend, standing up with a jump.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes, yes, geez! Why am I friends with you, again?” he sighed, defeat laced in his words as his best friend of several long, long years sat next to him once again, his expression of despair clashing with Alex’s own bright smile. “You owe me, like, 7 for this, by the way,” he continued, before turning to Lukas. “Would you wanna come along? You’re the only one here who doesn’t like being surrounded by demons known as people.”

“No!" Alex interrupted, shouting again. "No, no, no! Don’t invite him! I just gave you my heart and soul, Ethan! I just asked you to the junior equivalent of prom and you’re asking Lukas to go? He’s probably gonna beat up somebody in there and then the dance is gonna be ruined because he has anger issues,” Alex whined, arms flailing in Lukas’ general direction as he sent daggers towards the aforementioned teen. “He has prom. Oh wait, no, I’m sorry, I forgot: you were held back a year because you spent all of freshman year skipping class to smoke!”

Lukas ignored him, keeping his attention towards the sulking Ethan. “I can’t go with you, E— ”

“Yes!”

“— Because I’m already going with Sam.”

“What?” the two males said simultaneously, eyebrows quirking up in sync as well.

“Yeah, I bought tickets when they announced it!” Sam chimed in, smiling. “Alex, you know it was cheaper to get two, and I was thinking about asking Lukas anyways. Well, actually, I was gonna ask you, Alex, because I knew it wasn’t Ethan’s scene, but then I saw you buying two and you told me you were gonna ask Eth, so I figured I’d ask Lukey.”

“I said yeah because I have absolutely nothing to do that night. Also, she mentioned spicy gummy bears.”

“Spicy gummy bears!”

“I figured I had to go to see what they were like.”

“Plus," Sam continued, "Because of my provisional license, I needed an adult to go with me, and since neither of my moms were gonna be able to drive with me and I remembered Lukas has is 18, I figured, hey, why not ask! And then he said he didn’t have anything to do but was there something for him? And I said there were spicy gummy bears and he said I’m in and so now here we are!”

Ethan melted, relief evident on his face. “Good! I’m not gonna be alone while Alex gets rejected for saying the worst pickup lines known to man. If I have to suffer through Alex telling people his shirt is made of boyfriend material one more time…” It was an empty threat, most likely.

“Hey, they’re good pick-up lines!” The school bell rang, then, allowing no other thoughts to be had. Lukas and Ethan said their goodbyes as they headed to their mutually shared homeroom.

The rest of the day was much of the same, as was the week. It passed by in a blur and only now, as Lukas stood in front of his bathroom, was it settling in what the teen was going to go to. Sometime during the week, the principal had announced how proud she was that the tickets for the Valentine’s Day dance had been sold out, and how they were gonna need a few more volunteer chaperones to monitor the dancefloor just from the sheer amount of people that were attending (the entire junior student body with a few more mixed in). Lukas had ignored it, finding entertainment at his friend’s failed attempts at playing the knife game with the eraser end of a pencil. Now, here he was in a button-up shirt, a fucking tie, and goddamn slacks with his hair combed and some cologne from a magazine sample rubbed on his neck. Sam was waiting for him in her mom’s car outside, listening to Carly Rae Jepsen loud enough to pierce through his bathroom’s walls. And there he stood, half-blind, scarred from his past, and he couldn’t help but get just a little sick at the thought of going.

It wasn’t the number of people going, per se— not directly, anyway. No, this was about being half-blind and going to a dance where, as Alex had annoyingly pointed out earlier, he would fight or probably had fought at least a few people. If anyone was going to ruin the dance, it was either going to be him or some dude that had been rumored was going to spike the punch. 

He took a deep breath, and when Paramore came on over the radio, he headed out, not missing the long whistle Sam gave, her body hanging halfway out of the window, dressed in a yellow skirt with white suspenders, a nice pink blouse, and her hair pinned up with butterfly clips scattered here and there. When Lukas got closer, he noticed red lipgloss and the smallest of color on her eyelids- both were glittery.

“So you can clean up!" She grinned, sitting back down as Lukas rounded the car. "Maybe not your room, but yourself! At least for one night.”

“Hardy har har," he faux laughed, getting into the passenger seat and buckling in. "Did you practice that? It sounds like something Alex would say."

“It was! He promised me some muffins he was experimenting on if I said it when you came out, if you lookes good, and you do look good! I’m sorry, it wasn’t too mean, right?”

“Nah, you’re fine, absolutely nothing could sound mean coming from you. Now come on, let’s go. We both have a date with a sweet and spicy type of candy, and I also don’t wanna miss a single second of Alex falling on his face every time he approaches a girl.”

After singing and talking their way to school grounds, the music’s bass could be heard far before they pulled into the parking lot; as they tumbled out and looped arms, colored strobe lights, and loud music poured out from the gymnasium through an open door. Inside was the reason they hadn’t been allowed to have PE in air conditioning for the past three days: paper hearts of every variation of red hung low from the ceiling, alongside streamers and a steady cascade of golden confetti fell onto the students. All along the walls were plastered photos of cherubs and more hearts, with one side of the gym having its bleachers pulled out to give students a chance to sit In one corner stood a photographer, and beside them, a table of props and a long line of students in semi-formal attire. In every corner, speakers stood tall, blaring out a playlist of appropriate music. And, just as promised, three long tables were set up with food, two jugs of water and fruit punch each, cans of sodas, and two full tables dedicated to cupcakes, kolaches, nuts, chips, and any other snack kind of food. At one end, someone manned a nacho cheese pot as well as a chili pot, keeping it stirred and pouring it over Fritos or anything else students might have had in mind. Of course, their first stop was going to be the food table. 

While Sam grabbed little baggies of gummy bears, Lukas grabbed them sodas and led them to a corner of the bleachers, setting his snacks down alongside himself. As he looked around, he realized that, yeah, this kind of thing was absolutely something he wasn't used to doing, or even wanted to do. Students pooled in the center, jumping and laughing and bumping into one another that made the laughter louder. The music was loud, but the students talking amongst themselves could rival the volume. They screamed lyrics, did this or that, and as Sam was swept away by a gaggle of people who wanted her to dance with them, Lukas was left sipping his soda on the bench, staring out over the sea of people. Spotting Alex and Ethan coming inside, he waved them over to his spot.

“I’m surprised you made it later than us,” he practically shouted as they approached. Ethan was wincing, head buried in his hoodie that was obviously worn over a polo and black pants. Alex was his opposite, decked out in a full maroon suit, black tie, and white undershirt. “Am I safe to assume Alex is the reason for your tardiness?”

“Yeah, he started an hour early and finished 20 minutes late. Not like I was complaining.”

“Hey, it takes time to look this good!”

“Oh, wait, you actually put effort into yourself? Damn, it kinda just looked like you slept until the last second and got lost in a velvet factory on the way,” Lukas teased, though it just slightly lost its impact being shouted. Alex looked like it hit 50x harder than it should’ve.

“Shut up! At least I look dressed! What’d you do, go through a trashcan and get lucky enough to find a good look?”

“Oh, so you admit I look good then?” he came back, succeeding in causing Alex’s cheeks to flare up with anger. Before he could retort, Sam was popping up behind them, bringing the two into a large hug.

“You guys made it! C’mon, Alex, I put it in a request for the macarena and we gotta do that thing we talked about!” she yelled, handing Ethan something from her purse pocket before whisking Alex away with a smile, the two whooping with laughter as the song began playing. The two danced slightly faster than the actual song, giggling amongst themselves as they did.

From beside him, Ethan plopped himself down, plugging in what Lukas assumed were earplugs. Lukas finished his snacks and didn’t give him a chance to test them out before tapping the other’s shoulder and sticking a thumb towards a pair of double doors that lead out into the rest of the school, the hallway light showing a few people standing along the walls outside. Ethan nodded, grabbing the soda Lukas offered and following the teen out, the noise immediately becoming softer as the doors closed.

“Thanks. I love Alex but this is absolutely more his scene than anything,” Ethan said as they found a spot on the brick walls, sliding down to sit on the ground.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s annoying, the people here are annoying: it’s a perfect match.”

They talked for a while, mainly playing a mutual game on their phones. Sometimes, Lukas would show Ethan something funny on his phone and they’d watch a video, but it was only 15 minutes later when Sam walked through the door that their attention peaked.

“Hey, Ethan! Ethan, Ethan, come on, the slow dance is starting!” she said, pulling Ethan up onto his feet and dragging him by the arm. Lukas, intrigued, followed.

“Okay, and?” he griped, not being able to pull his arm away as she dragged him and Lukas back into the gymnasium. “If Alex wants me to see him chug the bowl of punch without spilling a drop, I’ve already seen it— it’s actually pretty impressive.”

“What? I mean, yeah, he’s doing that but you have to go dance” As soft music began playing, she fixed his hair. “Cinder told Alex who told me to get you and tell you that she wants a dance with you! He was flirting with her friend and she asked for you, specifically! He grabbed me after that and told me to find you! Go, go, they’re on the other side of the gym.” She pointed.

“What? Wait, no, no, no, this is happening way too fast! All I’ve done is say hi and give her a necklace with my name and— god, what if I suck? What if she laughs at the way I slow dance and she knows I haven’t danced with anybody else or even kissed anybody else! Can she even kiss me? I’m gonna die— wait, wait!” Ethan began rambling, shoes failing to stop his body from being pushed forward by Sam.

“You’ll be fine!” she just kept repeating, the two leaving Lukas behind as he stared on in wonder.

It started off bad; Ethan kept trying to run away but as they neared the group where Alex was, he became stiff as a board, still being pushed by Sam. The two males talked, Ethan gave up his hoodie to Alex, who in turn patted Ethan on the back and launched him forward with a grin towards Cinder. The rest dispersed, leaving only Cinder and Ethan. The song changed and she held out a hand with a small smile, Ethan taking it gingerly and the two heading to the dance floor, Ethan staring at the ground all the meanwhile, a blushing mess. 

Cinder led the first portion of the song before Ethan eventually became more confident in his ability to speak full-formed sentences. They continued, not in the center, but in a corner, just as Alex had said: in a small corner of their own world. Lukas remembered Ethan explaining why he had started liking her: she was pretty and kind and they got paired up on a project and she was delightful and it snowballed. Ethan was still as blushy as he was when they first started dancing, but his smile seemed relaxed and open; it was a side Lukas rarely saw, and it was comforting to see the two getting. Even as the songs changed pace, Ethan stayed for a while more, trying his best to dance but looking awful. Cinder didn’t seem to mind, choosing instead to mimic as the two talked.

From his good eye, he saw Sam approach his side, sitting down on the bleacher he was on, holding up a Frito pie. He took and shared it as they watched. Finally, she piped up.

“I know Alex isn’t really your top priority, but I’m worried. We were talking to a few people we both know after we left those two together, and he said he was gonna go to the restroom, but it’s been a while and I haven’t seen him at all. I wanna ask Ethan, but he’s having a lot of fun! I figure I’d ask you about it first before we try worrying him.”

“You’re right in him not being my top priority. Have you checked the bathrooms?”

“Yeah, well, I asked somebody to and they said nobody was in there. Or, at least, not Alex— some dudes were making out in there. I didn’t need to know but he told me anyway, so I guess I’m stuck with that information for the rest of my life. Plus, I called him, and he’s not answering. I looked in the parking lot, and his car’s still here, so I know he hasn’t left. I think he’s just hiding on campus grounds.”

“Do you wanna tell a teacher?”

“No way! I mean, they’re nice, but they’re also super mean and make a big deal out of everything! Remember that time I went to the principal and they told me they wouldn’t tell my moms about what happened, but then when I went home, at dinner time, mom put a plate of glitter in front of me and said, ‘Here’s your dinner’?”

“Ah, the Glitter Dinner, I remember it well.”

“Like, they said it was edible glitter! Should I have eaten 4 containers of the stuff? No, but they were rainbow colored and it tasted like happiness!” She sighed. “Anyways! We can’t trust them! They’ll tell his parents when, for all we know, he could just be making out with somebody in a bathroom like those two guys.”

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?”

“It’s gross, Lukas! It’s a bathroom! You can kiss in a decent place!” Sam cried, arms flailing. “I kinda wanna tell Ethan, though, because I don’t want him to think we left without him, ya know? I don’t think he has his phone, either— it was probably in his jacket and Alex grabbed it. I tried calling Ethan’s phone, too, but Alex ignored that one. I was thinking, could you go search for him until Ethan’s done flirting, and then we can all look?”

“You want me, the literally half-blind guy, to go looking for the guy that hates my guts? No, don’t give me that look, you know he actually hates me, Sam! I feel like if he’s not here, it’s for a good reason? What if he is making out with somebody and I interrupt them? Dawg, I don’t wanna see that.”

“Please! Please, please, please? If you find him, you can just text me and leave— you don’t have to talk to him! Just until Ethan— oh, you know what, nevermind. Here he comes! E!” Said boy made his way to the group, a dopey grin on his face. If hearts could physically be in his eyes and floating around him, they would be. He sent one last wave to Cinder, who smiled and waved back, before landing in front of the two. “Did you have a good time?” Sam asked, obviously intending to delay the news.

“Yeah, I—

“Hey, Alex is missing, Sam hasn’t seen him for, like, 20 minutes but he’s still on the school campus, probably. She wants you guys to look, cool? Rad,” Lukas interrupted, not missing the rare glare Sam gave him. He stuck out his tongue.

“He’s what?!”

“Don’t panic! I know most of the school is locked down so he can’t be far. Even the school’s main entrances are locked so students have to go through the gym doors to leave; that’s the good news! The bad news is that the grassy fields between buildings and stuff are still very much open and, well… you know how big the campus is. More good news, though, the dance isn’t gonna end for another 45 minutes-ish so we have time!”

She then explained the rest of the plan: the hallway was being blocked by a security guard, so Alex couldn’t have gone far; there were also a couple of security guards patrolling the campus, so if they hadn’t found him, that must mean he’s either in a spot he was allowed to be in, or he’s hiding somewhere and they didn’t look hard enough. Since Ethan knew Alex the best and hung out with him the most, he would give them a list of places to check for, all the while, hiding from the guard. If Ethan and Sam were caught, they could say they were just getting a breath of fresh air and wandered a bit too far. With Lukas’ track record, he’d have to find a very believable excuse to not be suspended, or worse: expelled. If not, “Rip,” was all Ethan said. Great.

As they left, Lukas wondered briefly why he was helping the search. They gave him chances to leave, to stay at the actual dance, just in case Alex returned, but no, he went along. He told himself it was because Sam was his ride home, he told himself it was because he was a good friend and felt bad about them being worried, he told them because this was more entertaining than sitting on a wooden seat too small for him while he ate 5 Frito pie bags in 15 minutes. None of them felt right if he looked into them for more than 3 seconds, so Lukas ignored it and focused on trying to find the twink.

It was… difficult, to say the least. Their campus wasn’t big, per se, but it was, in fact, rather open. While, yes, all other buildings besides the gym building, were closed, there were still very jumpable gates that Alex could use to get into the baseball field and the bus parking lot. He knew, at least, how many times he’d jumped up into the bus parking lot to escape. It was frustrating not even having an idea, and after a while of walking around the gym, he ruled that Alex must’ve been further into the campus grounds. One quick text to Sam confirmed that they weren’t having any luck, but, Sam had checked the parking lot and the car was still there, so he couldn’t have left, right?

Lukas, back pressed flush to a brick wall (just in case somebody decided to randomly look into the dark corners of their school building with only their eyes), texted behind his back and listened to their replies through headphones, trying to block as much light from his phone as possible. It helped he didn't need to look at his phone to type.

unless he can hotwire a car

goddamn, this all sounds like the worst spy movie ever

weve looked everywhere, we should just go back

teach found him?

Maybe! We’re gonna spread out and look for him across the campus with you, okay? E wants to know where you looked. - Sam

bb field. didnt checked football field

heard a couple of guys there

alex hates jocks lol

ttyl

Kk. If you see him on the way or in the gym, text us! <3 - Sam

Out there, so far away from the bass booming through the speakers in the gym, the night was silent. If he listened closely, he could hear the jocks he talked about laughing in the middle of the field, but even the sound was lost in the openness of the sky. The night was cloudy, and the lack of lights made it easy to see a couple of stars directly overhead. Lukas took it in, inhaling softly as he stopped, staring the best he could. God, his fucking eye was actually the worst, it wouldn’t even let him stare at the stars like every other single teenager his age going through shit that dreamed of an escape. He continued walking, this close to listening to music when he heard it.

It was gentle, soft, and would have been lost in the night had he not been so close to the source: a small scuffle of shoes moving across wood; of wood shifting under the moving weight; and just the softest, most choked sob Lukas had ever heard. He followed where he thought the source might have been, interlacing through the portables to try and find somebody who might have been leaning against a wall, but no. Lukas went back to the spot he had first heard it and looked up on a whim, finding the boy they’d been looking for, perched on a roof— particularly, the roof Lukas often found himself sitting on after school with no desire to go home. It was a tricky spot to get to if you had a fear of falling: one had to stand on the wooden handrail, get to the very edge of the highest point, jump to the air conditioning unit that stuck out the window for a second, use the momentum of the motion to jump an inch or two up, then slam your knees into the edge of the roof tiling and scoot up. It was something that, to his knowledge, only he and a friend knew about, so to see Alex up there was a little bit of a shocker. There sat the boy who Lukas had been roped into looking for-- staring up at the night sky, feet dangling over, sniffling and crying as quiet as possible, hair and tears illuminated by the light, seemingly unaware Lukas stood an arm’s length or so underneath him.

“I think students are supposed to stay inside the gymnasium for the duration of the dance,” he called up, Alex yelping in surprise at the sudden sound. The boy rolled his eyes and decided to look away, looking back up overhead.

“I’d think that includes piece of shit stoners," Alex said, coninuing not to look at him. "Unless they expelled you. Please tell me you got expelled, finally, and this was the last place you could come to before you get taken away forever.” The tough words didn’t hide the fact that he had been crying for who knows how long, voice rough, and eyes watery.

"Hardy har har, I haven’t heard you call me that 50 times before." Lukas rolled his eyes, patted Alex’s shoe with a "Scooch" and made his way up, only slightly bumping shoulders with the other. Still, the other reacted violently, Alex moving as far away as possible, moving his feet up and wrapping his arms around his raised knees, putting his hood up and peering at the other through a small slit between his arms and the hood. Lukas ingnored his overdramatic reaction. “What are you doing out here instead of flirting your way through the entire school body?” he joked, staring at the other the best he could. “And, if I’m not mistaken, I think that’s Ethan’s hoodie- he’s been looking for it, ya know. It’s got his phone ‘nd all.” The conversation was stale and as Alex flicked his gaze from Lukas to the sky, staying silent, the other shrugged, pursing his lips “All right, don’t tell me, then, let me just text Sam and you’ll—”

“Don’t call them! Don’t!” Alex cried, snatching the phone out of Lukas’ hand before he could even begin to finish his sentence, hiding it in the crook of his right side as far away from the other as possible, squirming and wiggling away every time Lukas started to get near. “You can’t fucking call them, you prick. I’ll break your phone, I swear to God, get away from me!”

“All right, all right, you fucking 4-year old. Just shut the hell up or the security guard’s gonna get on both of our asses,” he hissed, continuing to try to grab the phone without sliding off the roof, finally pinning Alex’s flailing legs down. “Just give me my phone and I won’t call, but if you keep screaming, I won’t need to.”

Alex leveled him with a curious squint, eyes fluttering all across Lukas' face for any sign of lying. “Promise?” he asked, hesitantly, and though Lukas rolled his eyes, he agreed; upon seeing nothing other than pure annoyance, Alex uncurled himself and handed the teen the device, sighing. “And I swear to god, if you do that thing you can do where you text people without looking at your keyboard, I will kill you. I don’t want them knowing I was out here, crying— at least, not right now. I’m still trying to think up a believable lie that Ethan will buy.”

“Not that I care, but if I can ask, why is this time any different than the others? No offense, but I’ve seen you cry, like, 50 times— and you hate me!. You’re the embodiment of that ‘snakes don’t have arms’ thing, and I’m pretty sure your actual friends wouldn’t mind you looking like a high raccoon with rabies. But, again, I don’t give a shit.”

“Geez, you sound so in denial." A pause as the teasing smirk left. "That’s just it, though,” Alex sighed, resting his back flush against the roof, knees still bent. Again, he was staring up at the sky.

“You don’t want them to see you look like a high raccoon with—”

“No,” Alex interrupted, shooting one of the many glares he loved to give at the boy next to him, before returning his gaze up at the sky. The moonlight made his hair shine a little brighter as he began talking. Lukas ignored it. “I just— you said so yourself that I cry a lot, right? And if you’re already tired of that shit, I can only imagine how Ethan and Sam feel, constantly seeing me cry. There’s just... a lot in my mind right now, and I’m tired of always crying and coming to them for it, ya know?"

“Jesus Christ, dog, can you be any vaguer? You might as well just say ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ Look, if you don’t wanna talk to me, that’s fine. You fucking hate me for whatever reason, and I can’t change that shit. If you don’t wanna take this olive branch to maybe make an actual connection with someone other than two people, your choice, but I’m gonna go back to the dance and watch and listen to Ethan pine over Cinder because his best friend was absent and he roped me into looking for him. You stay up here being the poster boy for Hot Topic 2000s edge and letting them worry, and we’ll take Ethan home and leave you here. Fine by me.”

Moving forward as if to get down, Lukas' action spirred the other to pipe up: “I’m not obligated to tell you how I feel.”

“You’re right, you’re not, but when you pull this crap, that’s uaually seen as some kind of cry for help, and if you refuse the hands people give you, you’ll end up very alone very soon. People can only handle so much vague-ing before they decide to stop pushing back.” Did that sound a little cruel because Lukas had experienced the exact same thing? Maybe, but maybe Alex needed a hard truth. The look on the other's face said it had only struck a nerve. Lukas sighed. “Last chance: vent your crummy thoughts to me and owe me Krispy Treats or we’re leaving you behind and both Ethan and Sam are gonna take you for dead.” Obviously, he would tell the two that Lukas found their friend, but that he was going home himself, but if Alex truly believed Lukas didn’t give some semblance of care, this would be the perfect bait. And, by the guilt that washed over Alex’s expression, it had worked. “I don’t give a shit, perfect candidate to practice talking about your problems without crying for when you tell somebody who cares.” The logic wasn’t there, but logic wasn’t Alex’s strong suit, so Lukas figured it‘d turn out good.

Alex's eyes darted between left and right, body swaying as he considered the options. With a defeated sigh, he slunped forward, grabbing his knees and bringing them to his chest. “God, no wonder he thought I was a child. Not that you haven't said it before, but Christ, I act like a 4-year old trapped in a 17-year old body.”

"He...?" the half-blind teen prompted.

"He." Alex confirmed. "This is gonna sound like the most over-dramatic thing you've ever heard but over the past few months, I really started liking this dude in my math class. I think he's in your history: JP?"

"With the freckles and slightly tilted glasses that wore braces up until last year?"

“Yeah, that’s the one. And, you know, he was cute, but his confidence boosted after he took off his braces because he started taking his appearance very seriously. Combed his hair pretty decently for having a curly mop, spoke louder and clearer-- smiled more, too. It started when we got paired up for math. The teacher had been going on and on about how I needed to improve my grade, and so she assigned JP to help me with that math test. Remember the tutoring I had to do after school for three months? It was awful, but he found a way to get things to stick. We had to study for half an hour, that was a requirement, but after a week of joking, it started going longer. He was tall and funny- the only two requirements for me to fall for a guy- and I could tell by how close we got that there was a chance he could feel the same. One day, we started studying, and I said something, he said something back, and there was this pause and then we just… kissed. He wasn’t out, I didn’t mind, because we held hands and kissed and flirted and dated at our places after school... And then something changed.

“Before the midterms test, when I barely got passing, I had a really bad night of anxiety, and asked him to help me. He read it and didn’t reply and, eventually, I just cried myself to sleep because I felt so alone. The test came and went and I tried to talk to him during class, but he was ignoring me. Just full-blown talking to everybody else but me, and it felt like every time I looked away, he checked to make sure I was looking and hurting. After school, I caught up to him, and yelled at him, asked questions, and cried. It was messy and he looked upset I had decided to do this at school. He said I was annoying, I was clingy and noisy and immature and when I wasn’t screaming, I was crying while people dealt with actual problems. He said he had a bus to catch and left me there.”

With nothing else to say, Lukas tilted his head, sucking his teeth. "Yeesh. That's really harsh."

“I guess?” Alex said, thumbing the fabric of the hoodie. “But okay, whatever, I moved on, I talked to other people and shit, I moved on. We were secret together for 2 months, not 2 years, ya know? The dance was announced and I got super pumped, I actually forgot about it for a second!” He paused. “And this is so selfish, but then I saw Ethan with Cinder. He looked so happy, a happy I hadn't seen in a while. There was the tinge of jealousy because Cinder looked so happy with him, too, and it made me realize how alone I was? Which is funny, because being jealous is usually Ethan’s job, but. It got worse when I finally saw JP.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot-- he came here with a guy, right?” It burst out of Lukas' mouth before he could stop it for sounding crass, but Alex noded and continued.

“Yeah. Yeah, the guy he had told me he hated. We studied for half an hour, add another half an hour JP spent screaming about his awful friend turned lover turned ex. In hindsight, I should have seen it all coming, because everything I did, I was compared to this dude named Wilson, but I was lonely and he kissed my neck without leaving hickies so, I mean, who gave a shit, right? He complained nonstop about this dude, how he hurt him, what Wilson did to him, how shitty he was for not respecting his want to wait to come out, and I played with his hair and told him how shitty Wilson was. I agreed, every single day, and listened, and then he broke up with me and went back with the guy that had hurt him and he came out for him. It all just felt like too much at once, so I told Sam I was heading to the bathroom and then I sat out here, having a panic attack until you showed up. I hadn’t meant to stay out for so long. Were they really worried?”

“I mean, yeah? They’re your friends, dipshit, the only reason they took so long was that Ethan was having a ball slow dancing with Cinder, they even danced a couple of fast songs. We know he would have wanted to go look for you, but Sam knew you would have wanted Ethan to stay and dance and have a good time. Speaking of, they really wanna know that you’re okay, I’d suggest texting them.”

"God, Lukas, I do not need you to try and preach to me again about what I should and shouldn't do."

He blinked, slowly, a scoff coming out before Lukas meant for it to. “Okay, no, that crap right there? It needs to stop. I can’t think of any moment in time where I did something so terrible to you that you came to hate me for existing. Genuinely, what have I ever done to you? If I’m having a lapse in my memory, please point it out to me; otherwise, it just feels like you’re a dick to me for no fucking reason. Normally, it doesn’t bother me, but fuck, if you don't make it difficult to forget that you hate me.”

The silence resumed and Lukas fell back to lying down, glaring up at the sky. If he looked hard enough, maybe he could find a way to escape this conversation. There was no real reason as to why he was asking about it but might as well see why Alex hated him so much while the dude was vulnerable, right?

The air remained tense until Alex took a small breath. "I don't hate you. I mean, I think I tried to tell myself I did once when we first met. Convinced myself I might have but I didn't. I don't. You just were so easygoing, and everybody liked you, and it felt like nobody liked me and it made me so upset. And I had to talk to you because Ethan and Sam did and I just had to see your stupid face and be reminded that anybody and everybody in my life could do better. I struggle a lot with it and you were an easy target to push that onto, kinda. It didn't help you embarrassed me a lot."

"It’s called teasing.”

"It felt like you were mocking me for breathing. Eventually, it just felt like everything piled up. It looked like me being loud and happy pissed you off, so I got louder and looked and looked for ways to upset you but you always just brushed it off!"

"I had to. You didn't let me do anything else."

"I know. Fuck, I know, I'm sorry." Again, he rubbed his face with his hands, groaning. "You made it, like, genuinely so hard to dislike you and it made it even worse. So I focused on the fact that you got into fights a lot and smoked. I got it into my head I was better than you, and also that you thought you were cooler than me, and I made this whole thing up so I could feel good. It just made me feel worse. I don’t make sense, and it feels like absolutely nothing in my brain does, either. It’s all jumbled up feelings and emotions and I cried over dropping food on the ground yesterday? Teenage life is messy.”

“You don’t have to tell me that, but that’s also not an excuse?”

“Look, I know it isn’t, I know, but you also can’t dismiss my explanation, either. You cannot act like you don’t excuse your shitty actions, too. You’re half-blind, but you also punch dudes older and bigger than you for no reason.”

“I have my reasons.”

“Boredom is not a valid one, Lukas." He sighed. "Listen, you can preach to me all you want but your mind is just as messed up as mine or Ethan’s or Sam’s. Can you understand the symbolism in literature or movies? Yeah, but you also think Mothman is real and have actively tried to seduce cryptids under the lie of trying to capture them and, I think, still believe the earth is hollow!”

“The dinosaurs are in there, and they’re vibing!”

“Lukas, geez! I know what annoying looks like, and you can be so annoying with how much you think you know it all!”

“You are the exact same way, Alex. If it’s not about this, it’s about that! You barely know algebra but there you are, telling me about some random bullshit. You’re like those facebook moms who see one article about how Michael Jackson is still living and acts haughtily about it. You saw Home Alone and told me Elvis was still living because your aunt shared one conspiracy theory about this tall dude in the background. But because I believe ghosts are real, I’m the weird one.”

“Look, I’m sorry about treating you badly, and I’ve been trying to tell you I’m sorry, but you always have to point out my flaws and make other people laugh at me. Do you know how hard it is to laugh at yourself when somebody’s taking it away from you and throwing it back in your face? I remember once I fell down the stairs and it hurt and you saw and laughed and suddenly, it wasn’t an accident, it was a side effect of being stupid. Are my pick up lines bad? No, they’re amazing and cheesy, and they were meant to make people giggle or roll their eyes fondly and think I’m charming because I am and they are! But you think you’re so fucking perfect— ”

“Except I don’t think I am, you somehiw got it into your head that I think I am because I can have a sense of humor and tease the people I like. You can’t just be insecure and then blame me for it.”

“You can’t hurt people and then act like that’s called friendship! Not every cruel thing you say can be written off as a joke, it’s prejudiced and it’s demeaning. My cousin used to call me stupid all the time for little things in front of my niece and she thought it was okay— to see someone I love call me genuinely stupid because it was a learned behavior is the worst thing ever. What’s worse is that I believed it. Ethan can call me dumb, Sam’s too nice to say it, but I’m comfortable with them. Sometimes you tease, and that’s fine, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t tell when it’s supposed to make me feel bad or not because of how often you joke at my expense. You pushed me into the pool once, and I don’t know why.”

“You call me names and I don’t know why!” Lukas defended. “You constantly harass me about mistakes I’ve made in the past. You say I make jokes at your expense but you’re not the victim, either.”

“I’m not saying I am, either! You get so fucking defensive, it’s.” Alex sighed, then, running his hand through his hair, shoulders once tense, now lowering. “You’re just as frustrating as me. We butt heads because you’re the exact same as me. It took me a while to realize that. Ethan said it a while back, he said we fought a lot because we were exactly the same, and I didn’t believe him but we both don’t like the same things about the other. We’re both really stubborn and we both like conspiracy theories, even if mine are about Megan Fox and yours are about the moon being a light in the sky or whatever.”

Lukas didn’t reply, sighing instead. The silence between the two strwtched on, both sinking in the fact that they were too similar and it was strange and he didn't like thinking about it. They were the same person. Two sides of the same coin or whatever the fuck, and both found themselves frustrating so they found each other insufferable. Stupid.

“I think the dance is done,” Lukas hummed aloud before their natural reticence could settle. “What do you wanna do? I think Ethan and Sam are still on the search for you, but by the way you look, you don’t wanna face them yet.”

“You got that right, yeah. Let me think,” Alex said, just as Lukas’ phone began to ring. “Or, ya know, not.”

Lukas frowned, sliding the answer button. “Hello?”

“Lukas! Jesus Christ, we’ve been texting you!” came Sam’s cry over the phone. “We can’t find Alex anywhere! The dance is over and we were looking for you here, but we can’t find you, either. Did you find him? All the students who are waiting for a ride are all just here in the pickup area, and there’s, like, a couple of teachers here but most of them went home. Where are you?”

“Listen, uhh,” he held out the note, staring at the other as Alex flailed to make up an excuse. “I, uh— ”

“Skippy!” Alex decided to step in, grabbing the phone from the other. “Listen, I’m sorry— ”

“Alex! Ethan, Alex is okay!” Sam said, the smile in her voice as she began to talk with Alex again. “We were so worried about you! Oh, hold on, Ethan wants to talk to you.”

“Alex? Hey! Hey, it’s good to know you’re okay. Uhm, I saw you-know-who come in with you-know-who when I was dancing with Cinder but you were with Sam and I thought you’d be okay, ya know? I’m sorry, I should’ve known you would get upset.”

“No, no," he breathed out, a smile returning slowly heaeing the other two talk. "Don’t be. It’s not your responsibility to take care of me, ya know? I’m not a little kid.”

“You don’t have to be a little kid for people to worry over you, stupid. You should know that more than anyone." The two laughed, soft and easy and natural and it made some part of Lukas' chest hum. He was okay. "Anyways, what are you doing with Lukas? Did you go back to the dance and see him?”

“Uh, yeah, listen. Can Sam take you home? I can take Lukas home if he needs it, but I don’t feel like talking about anything anymore tonight. It’s big 7th grade hours up in here.”

“Yeah, I'm sure she won't mind. I get it, but don’t suffer alone, okay? I know when you need help just like I know when you don’t and if you suffer alone with this, so help me, I’ll hit you over the head with a fucking hammer.”

Alex snorted. “I know you will, and I’ll come back from the dead and haunt your alien ass. Thanks. Love ya, tell Sam I love her too and I’ll bake her those strawberry shortcake cookies she likes, okay? But that means I need some supply.”

“Of course. Make sure to charge my phone. Still on for battle tomorrow?”

“Still on. Later!” And with that, Alex hung up, handing the phone back to Lukas. “You don’t mind, right? Me taking you home, I mean.”

“I guess not. Not like I have much of a choice, right?” he hummed, adding quickly, “I’m teasing, by the way. Let’s start our way over, they might be coming to call a tow truck for your car if there aren’t any other students around.”

The walk was relatively silent, the two really not having anything to say to the other. Despite the resolution, the air was still somewhat thick, words the other said on each other’s minds. Lukas didn’t think they were all too similar, maybe a little shared recklessness that made Ethan mad at both of them, respectively, but that was where it ended. Alex was worlds different from who Lukas had become— he supposed it could be a two-sides-of-the-same-coin situation, but that would require the two being connected in some way, and that just wasn’t the way it was. Despite this conversation, as much as Lukas would like to think he doesn’t care, some part of him did, and it seemed like the two would never be able to get along. That was until they arrived at the car,

“So, tell me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that, before we started arguing, I believe you called me cool?”

Alex instantly flushed. “I did not.”

“Really? Because I’m pretty sure you said the reason you started pretend-hating me was that you thought I was kinda cool.”

“Nope, you didn’t hear me right. I said I didn’t like you because you thought you were cool, I never said you were.”

“Oh, right, right, like the time we caught you watching the Minions movie and you said you were watching it ironically? Makes sense, how foolish of me.”

Alex flushed more, beginning to pull out of the driveway, heading to Lukas’ as he began defending himself: “I was watching it ironically! It was morbid curiosity, I told you! It’s not my fault Despicable Me was actually good and then Illumination decided to milk those yellow dudes for all the middle-aged failing marriage housewives out there! They got the lore wrong, anyways.”

“Okay, so, not only are you absolutely confirming the fact that you’re one of those moms, you’re telling me you know about minion lore. Fucking minion lore. What, did they accidentally make one named Carl have a flat ass and then, in the next movie, they gave him a huge one? Did they make Carl thicc, Alex? Does the thought of minion botox freak you out?”

“Okay, shut up! I hate you, now, I genuinely hate you! Minion botox! Minion— are you sure you’re not the one obsessed with the banana shits? That thought came way too naturally to you, way too fast.” A bump in the road caused the conversation to devolve into laughter. “God, how has anybody put up with your ass this long?”

“Oh, I’d say the same way they put up with you and your spying ass. Don’t look so shocked, I know you saw me and my friend climbing onto that roof once— you spying would be the only way you know how to get up there.”

“It was only because my Spanish teacher had me coming in after school to talk to me about my test scores! It’s not my fault you’re so fucking loud and smoke up there, too! You’re lucky it was me and not some other dude, they would’ve turned you in.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“You weren’t worth the effort, and my grades were already slipping, so I had to fix that before I could even try to deal with your high ass.” After that, Lukas nodded, and, for once in probably all the time they’ve known each other, the two fell into a comfortable silence.

As they pulled up onto what Lukas told Alex his street was, the half-blind male piped up from the quiet: “And, I didn’t get to say this earlier, but just so you know JP is a piece of shit for treating you like that. Nobody deserves to be used and compared to other people, even if you are a complete ass."

“Thanks.”

“I’m serious. I know you probably don’t believe me but I’m for real, dog.”

“Aww, that could’ve been a really good moment between us, Lukas. That could’ve bonded us and made us friends, but no, nope, you went and decided you had to sound like a 70s stoner.”

“Rad. Uh, radical, even."

“God shut up," he laughed, face falling forward with a snort. It snapped up quickly, though, with a, "Wait just a minute, Lukas! Did you just admit you cared about me? You do have a heart!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I couldn’t give less of a shit about your problems. The only reason I’m acting this way is that I needed the ride home,” he said, pointedly avoiding eye contact.

“Oh, yeah? Yeah, that’s why you were acting so nice before you even knew I was gonna be giving you the ride home, right? Just admit it, you liiike me,” he drew out, face in the most shit-eating grin he’d ever seen on the teen. “You caare for me. You wanna be my frieeend.”

“Jesus Christ, shut up, your ego’s gonna make me miss my apartment building— take a left up here.”

As they pulled up to the 7th story building, their banter had devolved into laughter once again, the two smiling at each other instead of what they had done to the other. They said their goodbyes, not before Alex teased him about the state of the building he lived in and not before Lukas retaliated that at least he was living alone and had a working job. Alex playfully pouted and left, Lukas waving until the car was out of sight before heading inside, exhausted socially but feeling a bit lighter than when he had first left. That night, after he got dressed into pajamas and had climbed into bed, his phone pinged on from his bedside. His phone pinged once more before he reached for it. On-screen, underneath an unknown number, read two messages: "thx 4 earlier. if you tell anybody, ill kill you >:(" then, immediately afterward, "this is alex btw :3" Lukas chuckled, saved him to his contacts under the name "Bitch boy" and turned off his phone. That night, the voice that usually nagged at the back of his brain whenever the two interacted stayed silent, and it almost felt like approval. If he was any more awake, he’d identify it as the steps to beginning to acknowledge his feelings, but no, he fell asleep, leaving that issue for tomorrow's Lukas.