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“Sometimes you having a parabatai turns out to be really useful,” Magnus breathed on Alec’s neck, nuzzling his face in the curve of his shoulder. He was laying on their bed, his husband beneath him, holding him like they were the only two people in the world.
“I know, right?” Alec asked, running his fingers in the spines of Magnus’ hair, tilting his head to kiss on top of Magnus’ head. “That’s why I agreed to be Jace’s. I thought one day I’m going to have children and I’ll need somewhere to drop them when I want some ‘alone time’ with my sexy warlock husband, and I immediately knew I had to say yes.”
He was joking, obviously, but the meaning hidden in the words was more honest than intended. Rafe was thirteen now, and Max was eleven. It was hard to have two troublemakers in their teens and pre-teens always around, and when they weren’t at work they constantly had to keep an eye on the boys.
Alec felt Magnus’ mouth curl up into a smile against his shoulder, and sighed happily.
“How thoughtful of you, my love,” he said, starting a line of long wet kisses that went all the way up to his neck and ended on his earlobe.
Alec hummed out of pure bliss, his hand slipping down his husband’s nape, caressing his back, feeling the relaxed muscles with the tips of his fingers. “I can be really provident when I want to.”
“Oh, I’m well aware,” Magnus said, and was fully intended to show him how grateful he was for his great forethought abilities, when Alec’s phone started to ring.
They both groaned in annoyance, Magnus rolling off him and eyerolling with such intensity he could have swore he just glanced a look at the back of his skull.
“I’m not even asking you not to pick up, because you’re not going to listen to me,” he sighed. He knew it wasn’t fair, and he wasn’t mad at Alec for that, they both had too much responsibilities to ignore calls like that, but frustration got over him anyway.
“It’s Jace,” Alec whispered, not even trying to excuse himself, knowing full well it would be useless. “What’s up?” he asked, the phone already on his ear.
“You know what? I changed my mind. I’d rather have you parabatai-less. We should have left them with Cat,” Magnus hummed.
“They what?” Alec asked, jumping off the bed. “Why??”
The concern in his voice made Magnus’ annoyance disappear, his eyes flashing in concern. “What happened?” he asked, sitting up on the bed and starting to conjure back their clothes.
“We’re coming,” Alec whispered, “thanks for calling me.”
When he finally hung up, he looked at Magnus with wide eyes. “They’re fighting.”
“What? Who are they fighting? Who’s fighting them? In short, who do I have to kill?” was his immediate response.
“No, Magnus. They are fighting.”
Magnus blinked in confusion and tilted his head to the side. “They always do. They’re brothers. That’s what brothers do, right? You told me.”
Max and Rafe had started fighting after a few weeks the little shadowhunter was brought to their home for the first time. Magnus had been worried they didn’t like each other at first, but Alec assured him that siblings fought all the time, that was basically the only thing siblings did, actually. He told him he always fought with Jace and Izzy when they were children and sometimes he still did.
“I know this, and Jace knows this too. If he called me, it must be bad. He told me it is really bad. Max threw a fireball at Rafael,” he said.
“He did what? How’s him?”
“He didn’t hit him. I think he just wanted to scare him. Rafe snapped a sword in half on the wall.”
“A sword? In half? Is that even possible?” Magnus asked in disbelief.
“When Shadowhunters are upset or angry they can be really strong,” Alec said with a shrug.
“Get dressed,” Magnus said, standing up, “we’re going.”
Ten minutes later, they were passing a portal to the New York institute.
“Where do you think-?” Magnus started to ask, then they heard the screaming.
“Training room,” Alec said, and they started to run.
In front of the training room door, waiting for them, there was Jace. He had a miserable look on his face, and his hands up to claim his innocence.
“What happened you useless Shadowhunter?” Magnus snapped, coming closer.
A faint crash and a Go away! came from behind the door. No, you go away! This is my institute!
“Great,” Alec groaned, glaring at his brother.
“Listen, guys, I’m sorry. They were talking about the future, about what they were going to do once Rafael finished his training, and then… I don’t even know what they’re fighting for!”
Another crash.
“Thanks for being your usual useless self, Trace,” Magnus said. He only misspelled his name when he was angry lately. “We’ll handle it on our own.”
“Sorry, bud,” Jace said, patting Alec’s shoulder and running up the stairs, without waiting for an answer.
“Coward,” Magnus said, annoyed.
Alec rolled his eyes, but he ignored the urge to let profanities slip out his mouth and finally slammed the door open.
“Stop. Now. Both of you,” Alec said, stepping inside, just as a blue shield of magic flashed in the middle of the room, between the two opponents.
Then, they saw the condition the boys were in.
The gym was a mess. The training weapons were everywhere on the floor, there were two burned black stains on the wall where Max shot his fireballs, it looked like a bomb just exploded in the room. Max had a mask of anger and hurt on his face, blue sparkles flowing off his fingertips completely out of control; Rafe had red puffy eyes and wet strains on his cheeks, he was threatening his brother with a wooden sword.
“It’s not fair!” Rafael yelled, throwing the sword at him, that crashed on the protection spell just cast by his father and fell on the floor, the other kid unharmed.
“This is not my fault!” Max yelled back, and the light on the ceiling faltered under involuntary magic influence.
Alec and Magnus looked at each other in shock.
“Healthy sibling banter?” Magnus whispered, hopeful.
Alec shook his head. “Definitely not.”
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Okay, okay, everybody stay calm. What is this all about?” Magnus asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“He hates me, because I’m a warlock!” Max raged.
“I’m sure it’s not-” Alec started, but Rafael interrupted him.
“Don’t you dare play victim! It’s me that’s going to die, not you!”
“What?” Magnus asked with a confused frown.
“Don’t be silly Rafe, nobody is going to die,” Alec said, trying to be the mediator.
Rafael turned to face him for the first time since they got in. He looked like the six year old child, scared, angry and lonely he found in the Buenos Aires Market many years ago. He looked like that child that never knew love.
“Yes, we are. You and me.” he said, fighting back a sob. “And they’re gonna care for how long? One year? Twenty? And one day they won’t even remember my name, your name. Our name.”
Dread washed over Magnus and Alec all the same. Then that was it.
My immortality has become the third wheel in our relationship, had said Magnus to Alec many years ago, that was the reason they broke up, one of the worst moments of their lives.
“You know it’s not true. You know I’m always going to-” Magnus said, and he sounded weak like he didn’t sound in years. Alec brushed his hand on his back in a sign of support.
“Shut up you too. I don’t want to talk to you.”
Magnus looked like he just got slapped in the face.
“Rafe!” Alec scolded him.
“You know what? I’m going to live in the Spiral Labyrinth with people just like me! So I won’t have to bother when you die at all! It’ll happen anyway, so why would I care?”
“Max!” now it was Magnus’ turn to be outraged.
“Nobody is going to live in the Spiral Labyrinth,” Alec said, trying to stay calm.
“Yeah, watch me,” Max muttered under his breath, and with no more words he walked towards them and then pushed them aside roughly and went out of the room.
Magnus looked at Alec, clearly shaken. “I’ll go with him.”
The other nodded, just as panicked. “I’ll stay, I have to-”
“I know.”
“Hey,” Alec said, grabbing his arm for a moment. “We’ve got this.”
Magnus managed to smile, if only a tiny bit. “Of course we do,” he said, then ran after his son.
“Max!” his blue hair were unmistakable even from distance, nor were his horns. “Max dear, wait!”
“What now?” the kid snapped, turning to face him with a frown. As soon as he saw him, his expression softened. “Oh. It’s you.”
“Yes baby, it’s me,” Magnus said, approaching him. The broken expression on his son’s face made his heart clench. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I got you.”
The boy closed his eyes, fighting back tears, and Magnus carefully approached and then enveloped him in a hug. He felt a sob against his chest and had to swallow a lump in his throat.
“I don’t want to be here. I don’t like it here,” Max whispered, and Magnus knew the feeling. He didn’t like the institute too, it was intimidating, cold and rather squallid. He only went there sometimes because it meant so much for the people he loved.
“Let’s portal home, shall we?” Magnus asked, and Max nodded against him. He squeezed his son in his arms, then he let go. When they passed the portal together, the boy was holding his arm for dear life with both hands.
A few moments later they were in the loft, and he took his phone for a moment and texted
Home now. Pick you up later.
It didn’t have to wait more than a few seconds when a new message popped up.
No need to, we’ll go for a walk. See u later. Ily
Magnus bit his lips and sighed. Probably Rafael didn’t want to see him now. He tried not to feel bad, he knew the boy had Alec that was going to give him exactly what he needed, but he couldn’t help to feel a rush of pain in his chest.
Max’s tiny whisper snapped him back to focus on his surroundings.
“I don’t want to deal with this,” he said, his eyes wet at last, and his cheeks flushed an intense shade of navy blue. He was sitting on the couch all curled up, his arms hugging his legs, his face rested on his knees.
Magnus switched off the screen and threw the phone mindlessly on the carpet, sitting next to the kid and passing an arm round his shoulders.
“I know. Nobody wants to, dear.”
“It’s not true what I said earlier. If he… when he… I’d be bothered when…”
“Of course you will. Rafael knows it very well. I bet he didn’t believe you, not even for a moment.”
“Why did you chose this?” he asked, leaning in his father’s touch. “You should have chosen someone just like us. Someone that would never leave us.”
Magnus exhaled sharply. “You can’t choose who you love, blueberry. You can only choose what to do with that love. I’m happy with what I did with mine.”
“I hate them. I hate what they are, and what it means, I don’t want it. I’d rather not have it if it’s going to end anyway. I want it to be just you and me. I want another warlock dad and a warlock brother. I want to go to the Spiral Labyrinth and ask for a new family that will never ever leave me alone.”
“I don’t think you mean that,” Magnus said softly, rubbing his hand on the blue hair.
“They hate me.”
“No, they don’t.”
“It’s not my fault, I didn’t ask for this. I’d rather leave than watch them leave.”
“You’re right,” Magnus sighed, “it’s not your fault. It’s mine.”
Max looked at him with his big blue eyes wide and watery. “How-”
“I should have told you this long ago. I thought you weren’t ready, I thought we still had time. But you’ll never possibly be ready for this, and time is kind of the problem, right?”
Magnus smiled at him, fondness in his eyes, and pain, but not regret. Never regret. He loved his life, and the choices he made that lead him to this moment.
“I want to make this clear, blueberry, so listen to me. It’s important, okay?”
“Yeah,” the boy said, and he sounded so small Magnus thought back to the day he found him on the stairs of the academy.
Who could ever love him?
He did. Plenty.
“One day, your father is going to look like your grandfather. And then, he’s not going to be around anymore," he felt Max shivering under his touch and held him tighter. “One day, if we’re lucky enough to have him for so long, your brother is going to look like your grandfather, and then he’s going to go, too. Your uncle Jace, your aunts Clary and Izzy, Simon, everyone. One day, it will be me and you. But they’re not leaving. Listen, they’re not leaving.”
“It doesn’t make sense,” Max muttered, sniffing loudly. “Of course they’re leaving, if they’re not going to be around.”
“Many people in my life left me, my dear. This isn’t leaving. People leave when they stop loving you, and dad and Rafe are never going to. So they’re not going to leave, not really. We are always going to feel their love, and we’ll live for it, we’ll learn to cherish it, only in a different way.”
“I don’t want it different.”
Magnus closed his eyes and kissed the top of the boy’s head. There was no solution for this, he knew it. There was no way he could make his son accept the fact his family was going to be gone forever, hell, he could never accept it himself in the first place. He only could make him understand one thing, the most important thing: that even if what they had wasn’t forever, it didn’t mean it was less important. And he could only do it one way.
“From now on, we’ll make every day count. We could have two days, or twenty years, with them. Who knows. Maybe an asteroid is going to fall on the house and it’ll roast us both like two chickens and we’ll be the first to be gone! It’s unlikely, but it’s still a possibility,” he said.
“It’s not, bapak. Your wards would probably resist an asteroid,” he said, but for the first time that day he had a small smile on his lips.
“I don’t know, I never tested it,” said Magnus, with a thoughtful expression. Max chuckled. “The point is, we don’t know what is going to happen, nobody does. Now is the only time we have, now is what we can change. Not the future, not the past, we can do what we can to be happy with the people we love in this very moment. That is precious, it’s the most precious thing in our lives, and nobody can take this from us. I’m happy to have you, your brother, your father in my life. And if we concentrate hard enough on this present with them, if we make them happy, if they make us happy, then this happiness won’t go away. Never, my love. I promise you it’s always going to be worth it. Do you trust me?”
The little boy nodded weakly, then they heard the door slid open.
“Why aren’t you angry?” Rafel asked, his hands up in exasperation.
“Why would I be?” Alec retorted, approaching him slowly.
“They’re going to be all our life,” he said, tears flowing again. “we’re barely half an hour of theirs. Why doesn’t… why doesn’t this make you angry?”
“It used to,” Alec said softly, taking a step closer. Rafael didn’t step back, so he took it a sign to go on and he finally got close enough to hug him. His son nearly melted in his embrace and sniffed. Alec squeezed him tightly, feeling the lump in his own throat get heavier.
“And what changed?”
Alec opened his mouth to answer the question, when he heard his phone rang and checked it. There was a message from Magnus.
Home now. Pick you up later.
Alec sighed, then looked at the boy in his arms.
No need to, we’ll go for a walk. See u later. Ily
“Come on, kid. Let’s walk home, I’ll tell you everything.”
“Home?” He pouted, and Alec smiled affectionately at him.
“Would you rather have your father to portal us back with his magic?”
The boy squirmed in his arms in annoyance. “Angel, no! No magic!”
Alec smiled down at him. “Let’s go, kid.”
Rafael let go of him and nodded weakly, and Alec grabbed his shoulder, gently pulling him out of the room.
“I’m sorry, we made a mess.”
“Don’t worry, uncle Jace will clean up later. He deserves it anyway,” Alec shrugged off as they walked.
“I like it here. I know it’s not like home, but it makes me feel safe,” the boy whispered shyly. “Is it weird?”
“Not at all,” Alec said. “I know it can look quite cold, but it feels like… like we’ll always be welcome here. Like we’ll always have a place to go, even if the world turns upside down, it’ll always be our place. And I find the runes carved everywhere comforting.”
“Yeah,” Rafael admitted, “that’s what I feel too. I don’t think Max likes this place a lot.”
“No, he probably does not,” Alec said, and they finally left the place, stepping outside. The weather was nice and warm, but not suffocatingly hot. It was perfect. He cleared his throat, felling pressured, but he ignored the feeling. It had to be done. “So,” he said, and he felt Rafael tense under his touch. “Why am I not angry that we have such a small space in Magnus’ and Max’s life, you ask.”
Rafe sniffed again. “I don’t know if I can bear it, dad. I don’t want to. I hate it. Them, too,” he said with his usual stubborn face.
“Don’t say such things, I know you don’t. And I’m not angry because it’s not true, we aren’t a small part of their lives. Listen, we are important for them, Rafael. Of course we are. We’ll always be important for them. The way they are, it isn’t bad at all. See, it’s... it’s a gift.”
“A gift?”
“One day, when we’ll be long gone, we’ll still have someone that loves us deeply. Not everyone has that. I feel grateful for it every day.”
“But they won’t love us anymore, by then. Nobody can love someone for that long.”
“Of course they can. If there’s someone that could really love forever, that’s your brother. That kid knows nothing but love,” Alec whispered, the fondness in his voice so intense Rafael grimaced slightly. “And Magnus, I know him and how he loves. I really can’t think about a time when he will not love us. That would be ridiculous.”
Rafael scoffed. “He already looks like my brother.”
It was true. Rafe was thirteen, and Magnus looked like he was nineteen. It was an age gap smaller than the one Alec used to have with his little brother, Max.
“He does. And one day he’s going to look like your son,” he said, and Rafael frowned. “And, if we’re lucky enough, your nephew too, when you’ll be old, and happy. But he’s always going to be your father, it doesn’t matter how it looks like.”
Rafael looked up at him, his dark eyes looking deep through him like they often did. “Do you think about it, sometimes? That you’re going to die?”
Alec thought about what to say for a few moments. He had to be careful with this one.
“Do you know why I tell you I love you every time I leave for a mission?” Alec asked. He always did it. It was difficult for him to say those words so often, he was shy with opening up about his feelings, but he always did, every time he left.
Rafe furrowed his brows, confused. “Because you’re a sap?” he said simply.
Alec didn’t look offended. “But I’m not, am I?”
And he wasn’t. He was affectionate with his family, but Magnus was much more vocal than him about it.
Rafael looked like he was thinking about it. “Why do you, then?”
“I do it because I want it to be the last thing I told you, in case the mission went wrong. I think about the possibility of death every day, I am a Shadowhunter, I have to. And you’ll have too, one day. Soon.”
Rafe gasped and looked at him with wide eyes. Alec squeezed his shoulder and brushed his head gently with his other hand, the kid didn’t look bothered by it.
“I used to be just like you. We fought about it many times, your father and I. I was so angry. I thought we could never make it work.”
“Really?” the boy asked in shock. He couldn’t witness the thought of his parents fighting all the time. It just wasn’t them. Alec and Magnus were always so certain about each other he couldn’t even figure how it could be like. “Then? What happened?”
Alec cleared his throat. He didn’t like talking about it, but he knew he owed it to his son. “Then I nearly lost him,” his voice was low and dark, and Rafe held his breath. “I felt so stupid. I wasted so much time being angry and upset because I was going to die before him, I was so jealous, and in the end it turned out it wasn’t granted as I thought, not at all. Maybe Magnus wasn’t going to outlive me after all. And then it hit me, that it would have been so much worse. The thought was unbearable. Your father, your brother, you don’t know how strong they’ll have to be for us. You don’t know how hard it is for them to accept us in their life already knowing they’re going to lose us sooner or later. They know they’re going to suffer and they want us anyway, because they think we’re worth it. When someone like them choose to love someone like us it’s something so selfless you can’t but feel grateful. I barely had a taste of what it was like, to fear for the one I love the most, to know it wasn’t going to end well for him, and it almost killed me. And I know they feel it all the time, that kind of fear, every time he looks at me and you.”
“I never thought about it like that,” Rafael whispered.
“I know, love. And I know it can be frustrating, but that’s what families are, frustrating, and complicated, yet still beautiful. I wouldn’t trade our family for anything else in the world.”
“Me too,” Rafe said. “Do you think Max is still mad at me?”
“He never was, dear. Like you weren’t mad at him. Your brother loves you, that could never change,” Alec said calmly, then he pushed the door open.
Rafael flinched, lost in the words he didn’t even notice they were finally home.
Alec looked over and saw Magnus and Max cuddled up on the couch. His chest hurt, out of pain and love. Max stood up with a frown. “I think I’m going to bed,” he said, cold yet emotional. He reminded him of Magnus, of the times they used to fight so much and he always tried to act unaffected, and he always failed to. He loved him, he loved them all, more than anyone and anything.
“I am going to bed, too,” Rafael said, his eyes fierce. “Yours, I mean. I’m going to your bed. With you. In your room.”
Magnus looked at him with eyes full of love and pride. The kid was glaring at his brother, daring him to say something about it, daring him to yell to back off and leave him alone. He was stubborn, and so open about what he wanted, just like Alec was when they fought and he wanted to apologize but didn’t know how to, he only knew he had to make it clear. Aggressively clear, in the good way. He was beautiful.
A tense silence passed between them for a few moments, then Max hissed, “fine,” and walked straight to his bedroom. Rafael followed him, slamming the door shut behind them both.
“Woah,” Alec breathed out, finally looking at Magnus.
“Woah, indeed. Do you think they’re going to jump at each other’s throat soon?”
Alec thought about it, then shook his head. “No,” he said, “I don’t think so.”
“Great,” Magnus said, standing up and closing the distance between them, taking both of Alec’s hands in his. “Because I want to go to bed, too. Yours, I mean. With you. In your room,” he quoted, a mischievous smile on his face.
Alec sighed in relief. “Angel, yes. Please.”
And here they were, back under the blankets, their legs entangled, holding one another as close as possible, listening to their different heartbeats, finding comfort just in laying down together.
Alec sighed, trying to get comfier, cuddling impossibly closer. “We should have seen it coming.”
“Yeah,” said Magnus, giving a small peck to his forehead. “I don’t even know how they lasted that long without bringing it up.”
Alec groaned, shame and regret bubbling up again like every time they talked about it. “I know, right? I only needed a few months to make your life a living hell for that.”
“You never made my life a living hell, my love. Don’t be overdramatic. And at least you never threw your seraph blade at me!” Magnus said with a smile, to lighten the mood.
“You never shot me with a fireball, too!” Alec agreed.
“Yeah, but God if I wanted to!” Magnus laughed.
“You… do you ever regret this? Do you ever think what Max said earlier, that you should have looked for a warlock family?”
Magnus’ expression was serious, his golden green eyes staring at him. “No. It couldn’t be anyone but you. I don’t want anything more than this, nothing could possibly be better than this,” he said, brushing Alec’s black locks off his face. “I’ll never be ready for you to go, but leaving you because I fear what is going to happen would be a mistake. It has been a mistake, and I’m never doing it again. I’ll have you for as long as you’ll let me,” Alec cupped his face, and pecked him briefly on the cheek. “And you? Are you still upset I’m going to live more than you?”
“Never. I’d rather have this than the other way round. And I’m glad you’ll always be there to have Max’s back. You’ll be there for him when I won’t be able to, that is more than I could ever hope for. I was being stupid, I’ll never be upset for something like that, ever again.”
Magnus looked at him and saw the sincerity of his words in his eyes, and the emotion in his voice, and all the dread he had felt since the phone call came lifted completely, replaced by an overwhelming feeling of belonging and love. “Come here,” he purred, and then he kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him, until he didn’t remember who he was anymore, and he couldn’t tell where he ended and Alec started, and his mind couldn’t form a single coherent thought, and everything he could feel was love, love, love.
And when much later they remembered where they were and sneaked out of the room to check on the kids again, they found them in Max’s room, sleeping on the same bed, Max’s head on his brother’s chest, Rafe’s arm around Max’s waist, and they knew they could never have it any different.