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“You’re fidgeting,” Eddie placed a gentle hand over Buck’s, stopping him from picking at his fingers.
“I’m nervous,” Buck’s blue eyes were earnest and Eddie squeezed his hand reassuringly.
“It’s Bobby, he loves you like a son baby. He’s gonna be happy for us.”
“What about Hen and Chim?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if Chim knows because of Maddie, but they’re going to be happy for us too. They might give us hell but they’ll be happy. This is our family Buck, stop stressing.”
Eddie took his hand away as Bobby entered the office and sat down at his desk.
“Okay, what’s the big news? What did you need to tell me?”
“Eddie and I are dating,” Buck blurted the words with no preamble almost before Bobby finished his sentence.
“Run that by me one more time.”
“We’re dating,” Eddie took Buck’s hand. “We have been for close to a year and we thought it was time to come out to the team.”
Bobby leaned back in his chair and shook his head. Buck’s heart jumped into his throat at the look on his captain’s face.
“You two knwo the LAFD rules about workplace relationships. They’re not allowed. This,” he pointed between the two of them, “Can’t happen as long as you work for the 118.”
“But Bobby-”
“The rules are the rules Buck.”
“Yeah, my house, my rules I know,” Buck stood up and Eddie could see the anger on his face. He himself was angry but he was trying to restrain himself.
“This is bullshit.”
“Watch your tone Buckley,” Bobby warned.
“No. You can’t keep me from dating Eddie, that has to be discrimination or something.”
“The rules-”
“I don’t give a fuck about the rules.”
“You’re benched,” Bobby said. “No calls for a week and that rig better be spotless.”
Buck didn’t say anything, just turned on his heel and walked away. Eddie followed him quickly, not giving Bobby a second glance. He could see the younger boy clenching his jaw to hold back tears.
“Hey buckaroo,” Hen placed a comforting hand on his arm. “We heard yelling, what happened?”
“Yeah buddy, what's going on?” Chim leaned forward in concern.
“We told Bobby about our relationship,” Eddie explained.
Buck had sunk into Hen’s arms and was refusing to speak.
“And I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”
“Obviously not. He said that we’re not allowed to be together. Apparently it’s against LAFD rules.”
“I’ve never heard of that,” Chim said.
“You also never read the handbook,” Hen pointed out. She was still holding Buck, running gentle fingers through his hair.
“Bobby benched me,” he mumbled. “No calls for a week.”
“I’m sorry Buck.”
“Do you want us to say something to him? Maybe he just overreacted.”
“No, I don’t want to make it worse.”
“So what are you going to do?” Hen questioned.
“I guess we go back to hiding it. As much as it sucks, we really don’t have another choice.”
Buck turned to Eddie, who nodded.
“If that’s what you want.”
“It’s not what I want, but I can’t think of anything else.”
*****
As soon as their shift ended, Buck headed to Maddie’s. He promised Eddie he’d be home in time to put Chris to bed, but he needed some time with his sister. Eddie had understood and hidden him behind his truck door to give him a kiss on the head before parting ways.
Maddie had been fuming when he’d told her. She was pacing angrily as Buck sunk into the couch, wrapping his arms around his knees.
“He can’t do that. That has to go against some discrimination code or something.”
“That’s what I said. But Bobby says it’s LAFD rules.”
“No way.”
Maddie pulled out her phone and started typing rapidly. Buck leaned over to see her looking at a pdf of the LAFD handbook.
“Buck,” she said gently, “There’s nothing in here about workplace relationships not being allowed. It says it’s up to the captain at each station.”
“So it’s Bobby’s rules not theirs?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Of course,” Buck sunk back into the couch.
“So what are you gonna do?” Maddie sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
“I guess we go back to hiding it. It’s not what either of us want, but it’s our only option if we want to keep our jobs. We’re raising a kid, we can’t afford to be unemployed.”
“Buck that boy is head over heels for you. What if he wants to marry you? Are you gonna elope? Never wear your rings and hide your marriage?”
“I don’t see another option Mads. Besides you, they’re the only family I have. I can’t lose that. Eddie has Christopher, we don’t have room to be selfish. As satisfying as it would be to walk in there tomorrow and say we’re done, we can’t. We have to think about him.”
“Buck, you’re so busy thinking of everyone else that you never think about yourself. Think about you and Eddie for a minute. Don’t you think he’ll get tired of hiding?”
*****
Buck couldn’t get Maddie’s words out of his head the entire ride home. He really wanted to curl up in a ball and cry himself to sleep, but he couldn’t. His son was waiting on him to read him a story and tuck him in.
He steeled himself, taking a moment to pull it together before getting out of his car and locking it behind him.
“Bucky,” Christopher called when he entered the house.
“Hey buddy,” he kicked off his shoes and entered the living room. Chris was fresh out of the shower and Buck picked him up and pressed his cheek to the still damp curls.
“Did you have fun with Aunt Maddie?”
“Yeah buddy I did.”
“C’mon Chris. Let’s get you in bed.”
“Okay dad. Carry me?” he asked Buck.
“Of course.”
Buck hitched him a little higher on his hip and carried him to his bedroom. Eddie helped tuck him in, then settled himself at the foot of the bed. Buck crawled in next to Chris and grabbed their book of the night stand.
Their current read was Percy Jackson, and Chris loved it. They were almost done with the first book and every night Christopher begged for one more chapter. Eddie never thought he’d have to put a limit on how much his son could read, but Christopher would have them up until sunrise reading if he didn’t.
Halfway through the second chapter, his eyes started to get droopy. He leaned further into Buck’s side, and he lowered his voice so he didn’t disturb him. He kept reading even after he fell asleep, finishing the last page of the chapter. They would have to go back and catch up the next night but Buck didn’t care.
He marked their spot and placed the book back on the nightstand. They tiptoed quietly from his room, Eddie left the door open just a crack so they could hear him if he needed them.
Eddie turned to his boyfriend and pressed his palm to his cheek.
“Go take a shower baby. I’m gonna go lock up downstairs.”
Buck nodded and moved into their bathroom. He grabbed a pair of underwear and one of Eddie’s stretched and faded army shirts to sleep in.
He turned the water scalding, as if he could burn all of the stress of the day away. He stood under the steaming spray, not even making an effort to wash himself. He was zoned out and didn’t hear Eddie enter the bathroom. He jumped when the door to the shower opened and closed.
“Hey baby, let me in. What’s happening in your head?”
Eddie’s rough hands slid around his shoulders, pulling him into his chest.
“Maddie said you’re gonna get tired of me.”
“She said what?”
“She said that if we start hiding again you’re gonna get tired of me. No one wants to hide their relationship and if we got married we’d have to elope and never wear our rings and we have a kid to think about so we can’t quit but I’d quit tomorrow if you asked because I love you and I don’t wanna be alone again and-”
“Hey, take a breath honey,” Eddie cut him off mid ramble. “I could never get tired of you. You and Christopher are the two best things in my life. I’m not gonna throw that away over some stupid rule. I hate that we have to hide, but that won’t make me love you any less. It sucks, but we’re doing what we have to do. And yeah we do have a kid, so we have to keep our jobs, but I would quit before I even let you think about it. Buck you love being a firefighter and I would never let you give that up okay? When we decide to get married maybe I can transfer to a different station but firefighters can’t wear rings anyway. Baby I promise you, as long as I’m here you’ll never be alone okay?”
“Okay.”
Buck relaxed and let Eddie wash his hair and body.
As he was drying off and Eddie was brushing his teeth, it hit him like a ton of bricks, “You said when.”
“Huh?” Eddie mumbled around a mouthful of toothpaste.
“You said when we get married, not if we get married.”
Eddie spit into the sink and rinsed his mouth out before answering, “That’s because I fully intend on making you my husband one day.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Okay.”
*****
Hiding their relationship again after coming out was hard. Eddie longed to wrap his boyfriend up after long calls, but they couldn’t. He had to settle for shoulder bumps and brushes of legs on the rig to try and make up for it. Usually it didn’t work, which usually resulted in them breaking down once they got home and crying in each other’s arms. They tried to hold it together for Chris, but sometimes he was involved in it too, snuggled up between his parents, trying to offer what comfort he could.
It was especially hard when they went out with the team. Buck wished that they could hold hands like Hen and Karen or put their arms around each other like Chimney and Maddie. Eddie longed to kiss his head like Bobby did to Athena.
Even their nine year old had picked up on their lack of physical affection outside of the house.
“Papa?” he asked one night on their way home from dinner at the Grant-Nash house.
“Yeah buddy?” Chris calling him papa was a fairly recent development and it still melted his heart every time.
“Why don’t you and daddy hold hands and stuff like you do at home? Auntie Hen holds her wife’s hand and Chimney kissed Aunt Maddie tonight. Why don’t you do that stuff?”
Eddie silently cursed how observant his son was. How do you explain to your eight year old that holding hands with his other parent might get you fired?
Luckily it was Buck to the rescue.
“Have you ever heard of pda?”
“No.”
“It means public displays of affection, like holding hands and stuff in public. Your daddy and I like to do that kind of stuff in private, like when we’re at home. We’re not comfortable doing it in front of people.”
“Oh. Good idea, kissing is gross.”
That broke the tension, causing both adults to laugh.
*****
Hiding their relationship on regular days was hard, but one particular day made it so much harder.
Buck was unbenched, but Bobby was still giving him the cold shoulder. He kept giving them knowing glances as if he could tell they were still together and was waiting on the slip so he could bust them.
They got called to a structure fire and he sent Chim up with Eddie instead of him. He wanted to protest, but he knew it would only make things worse for them. Instead he helped Hen. Luckily there weren’t many major injuries, but was mostly checking vitals and bandaging minor cuts.
He was so busy going through the motions that it startled him when his radio crackled to life.
“Chim get out of the way!”
“Eddie! Cap Eddie’s down.”
“Eddie,” Buck screamed, even though he knew Eddie couldn’t hear him.
Hen had to restrain him from running into the building. Cap sent Martinez up to find him and get him out. Ten minutes later he returned, holding a limp, lifeless Eddie, Chim following behind him.
“No!” Buck screamed.
It was gut wrenching and Hen wanted to take the younger boy in her arms and rock him like a baby, but she had to focus on Eddie.
“Chim what happened up there?” she questioned as she took his pulse, it was weak but it was there.
“We were clearing the third floor, we were almost done but a beam fell. He pushed me out of the way and it took the floor out from under him.”
“Is he gonna be okay?” Buck was sobbing, holding on to Eddie’s hand like a lifeline.
“He’s alive. His pulse is weak and his bp is dropping but he’s alive. We need to get him to the hospital.”
They loaded him into the ambulance as quickly as possible and Buck didn’t hesitate before climbing in the back with him and Chimney.
“Buckley,” Bobby started.
“Not the time cap,” Chim said before shutting the door.
The ride to the emergency room felt like it took years. Buck was holding Eddie’s hand, talking to him steadily.
“You can’t do this to us. Christopher needs you, I need you. You have to see him grow up, he needs his dad Eddie. You can’t leave me. You promised me I wouldn’t be alone again. You promised, you promised.”
Buck’s words dissolved into sobs that shredded Chimney’s heart.
“Hang in there Eddie,” he whispered. “Your boy needs you.”
Their arrival at the ER was a flurry of activity. The nurses rushed Eddie back and Buck lwt out an honest to god whine when he had to let go of Eddie’s hand. Chim and Hen helped him sit in one of the plastic waiting room chairs and Chimney wandered off to find him a snack and something to drink.
“Eddie is gonna pull through Buck. He always does. We’re talking about the man who swam out of a well after being buried under thirty feet of mud with no oxygen.”
“That’s the night I told him I loved him you know? He was laying in the hospital bed half frozen, Christopher was asleep in my lap and I just blurted it out. I think I’d known for a long time, but almost losing him made me realize how much I really needed him and how much time I was wasting by hiding.”
They sat like that for hours. Eventually Chim returned with a granola bar and a bottle of water. They sat and forced him to eat and drink at least half the bottle. It had been almost two hours with no news when Maddie came. The others left to take the ambulance back to the station, Hen leaving him with a kiss on his head and Chimney patting his back softly.
They’d been there going on three hours when they returned with Bobby. The captain sat next to him and placed a hand on his leg.
“Maddie, can we have a minute alone?”
“Buck?” his sister questioned.
“Yeah I’m good.”
She nodded and stood up, but she didn’t go far, approaching the nurse’s station to ask for updates.
“I’m sorry son. I shouldn’t have tried to keep you two apart. Tonight has made me realize that. I didn’t see how much you and Eddie truly rely on each other. You’re partners in every sense of the word and it’s wrong of me to try and split the two of you up. The workplace relationships rule is a dumb one and I’m throwing it out. However I can’t do anything about the loads of paperwork you’ll have to fill out for corporate and there are some ground rules.”
“Like what?”
“No doing the dirty in supply closets, that one is from Chim. No being disgustingly cute in front of everyone, that is Hen. And don’t let your feelings for each other get in the way of your duty, that one is mine.”
“I think we can handle that,” Buck laughed weakly and leaned into Bobby. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome buckaroo.”
“Evan Buckley?”
Buck shot up and approached the doctor.
“That’s me.”
“Good news. Mr. Diaz is going to be just fine. He suffered a level two concussion, some significant bruising to his abdomen, and slight internal bleeding. He also has a sprained wrist. All in all, pretty lucky for someone who fell through a floor.”
“Can I see him?”
“Yes. He should be waking up soon and I’m sure he’d enjoy the company.”
The doctor led him to Eddie’s room and left him alone outside the door.
Eddie was awake, fighting the anesthesia.
“Buck,” he slurred.
“Hey babe,” the tears had already started to flow as he sat in the chair next to his bed. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“I’m sorry. Christopher?”
“He’s with Carla. She’s going to bring him by first thing in the morning. I already texted to tell her you were okay.”
“Good.”
“I talked to Bobby,” he took Eddie’s uninjured hand in his. “He said he’s getting rid of the no workplace relationships rule. Our days of hiding are over.”
“Good. It was killing me to not be able to be with you the way I wanted.”
“Me too.”
They sat in silence for a while, Buck’s thumb rubbing absentmindedly over Eddie’s hand.
“Hey.”
“Yeah carino?”
“Can you stop almost dying on calls? I’m starting to get grey hairs,” Buck tried to joke but his voice was breaking. “I thought I was going to lose you.”
“Baby I promised you, I’m never going to leave you alone. I’m not going anywhere. I will always fight to come back to you. Okay? I love you.”
“I love you too.”