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The moment I wake up and he’s not beside me, it hits me anew. Every day; I reach out for him and the bed is cold and I wonder where he is. Then it hits me. Korea.
I take a deep breath as I sit on the edge of my bed, clench my eyes shut and pray.
“Oh god, please keep him safe”
We’re not a religious family, BJ certainly isn’t, but I generally go to church on Sundays. It never meant much to me before he left. But now it has me thinking. I want to believe there is someone watching over BJ, but I’m not sure. He doesn’t often tell me about his patients, I guess he doesn’t want to upset me, but recently he told me about a boy of nineteen who died on his table. Now I ask you, who was looking over that poor boy?
But like I say, I want to believe, I want him safe. So every single day I pray for his safety.
He’s always in my thoughts.
It’s hard, rattling around this house with just me and Erin. We bought a house with too many rooms - we wanted to fill it up! It’s heart breaking that he’s not here. Not just that, it makes me so mad I could break something. I have family and friends, and my neighbours are lovely, but when I close the door at night I know I won’t speak to another adult until the morning, and it annoys me. I love Erin, I do, but it’s so goddam hard work sometimes. She screams at night and I wish just for once I didn’t have to get up to comfort her. That in itself makes me feel guilty, I know how much he misses her, how much he has missed out on and it’s not his fault. I wish he was here.
We write each other almost daily but it’s not enough, it’s never enough. Even that sometimes goes wrong! The army loses it and we don’t here from each other for weeks, its torture. Every day without news is a growing dread, you think something must have happened, and all these situations rush though your mind. You try not to think the worse, but of course then that’s all you can think about. It’s horrible.
He sometimes gets to use the camp’s telephone and I can’t tell you how wonderful it is. My heart beats faster when I hear his voice. He makes me feel like a teenager again, but then, he always has.
I didn’t realise it was possible to miss someone this much. That sounds wet, I know… but sometimes it physically hurts. I lay awake at night with this empty feeling enters my chest and it gets so bad I feel like I’m choking. I just wish I could be in his arms, I wish he could tell me everything was going to be alright.
But he can’t.
I can rely on myself more now, I have to. I’m more assertive. I hope not too much, sometimes I wonder whether he will recognise me when he gets back. It feels that we’ve been apart for much longer than we have.
He will have changed as well won’t he? Men do when they go to war, they see things. My own father became distant, different from the easy-going man he was before WW2. I hope he is still my BJ.
There are so many questions and ifs and buts. My family’s future is hanging by a thread. On hiatus until he gets back.
If he gets back.
No I mustn’t think like that. I need to be strong, for Erin.
I just want him home, please god, I want that more than anything.