Work Text:
Bad Decisions
"When did you get married?"
Sugawara never thought it would come to such a question when he received a special letter a few weeks ago.
His mother handed it over to him. She found the letter when she was cleaning up the garage.
Still unopened.
Nobody really knew how this letter got into a box there, but they suspected that this must have happened when he was moving out after he graduated.
Something this important and valuable, something so essential, that could have changed his life.
This letter contained the honest and sincere feelings of his valued friend, Sawamura Daichi.
The young man he had been secretly in love with for so long.
Who wouldn't want his love to be returned?
Especially if the chances were low and you never would have thought it would be possible.
It would be perfect if he wouldn't hold this letter in his hand years later.
Different phases initially determined his everyday life since then.
The first time, Sugawara didn't know what to do.
Then there was a time when tears came to his eyes as soon as he saw the letter or thought about it.
"I feel the same way.", he whimpered into his pillow one night so that no one could hear it, even though he was now living alone anyway and shared his small apartment with a few potted plants that would certainly not be disturbed by his aching heart.
But he did not want to hear these words either, for he had been trying for so long to suppress and forget his own feelings towards his friend.
The first thing he wanted to do after he got the letter was to call him.
He wanted to speak to him immediately.
But his number was no longer assigned.
Not only they were no longer in contact, they were deleted from each other's lives.
He knew very well that this was his own fault.
After graduation, he reduced the contact to his friends and told them it was because he was planning to move out and had much to do.
The intimate hugs they gave each other on the field when they won were no longer existent.
At the end of his graduation he had put his arms around his captain briefly and tapped him awkwardly on the shoulder.
He would never forget the irritated looks of Asahi and Daichi.
As sensitive as he used to be, he had unsuspectedly kicked out one of the most important people in his life even harder than he would ever wanted to.
He felt like a monster who had built his nest on the remains of a shattered dream.
Would Daichi have told him personally if he hadn't always put him off, when he wanted to go out to eat with him after training or just hang around? Probably.
He was absolutely not the type of person who thought of writing a letter when he had something important to say.
The whole thing couldn't go on like this anymore.
Now he was on vacation, and all he was doing was lying around wasting his time with sighing and thinking about the situation.
He worked as a teacher in a primary school and it was hardly possible to fall into such a rigid state there at all.
Sometimes it reminded him of old times, like when Ennoshita, Sawamura and he had often tried to tame the chaos in their volleyball team.
But it was worth it. It was a nice feeling to see how the kids were learning and slowly understanding what he had taught them.
But then he remembered something.
Ennoshita!
Maybe he was the solution!
Sugawara took a look at the clock to make sure it wasn't too late.
They didn't have much contact and when they did, it never really went beyond small talk.
"Hey, Ennoshita. I hope you're okay. Do you happen to have Daichi's new Number?"
He didn't had to wait long for the answer.
First message was the number of Daichi.
"It is not really his 'new' number. It's kinda old. Why don't you have it? Did something happen?"
Apparently he didn't know anything about it even though it seemed that he was still in contact with Daichi.
Sugawara had to come up with something immediately so he would not worry his old comrade unnecessarily.
"I have a new phone and all my numbers were gone. I thought he would have a new number but It seems that I just mixed up some of them. Thank you!"
Ennoshita seemed to be amused by this answer and he luckily did not asked for more information than that.
This was pure luck.
This excuse was so bad he wouldn't even believe it himself.
Probably he was just accepting this excuse or he was already too tired to think about it.
But now that he had the number, he just stared at it.
Now that he had it right in front of him, he didn't dare to call.
What should he tell him after all these years?
'Hey Daichi, I got your letter in which you confessed your love to me years ago. I just wanted to tell you that I've been feeling the same for a long time, so if you want, we can give it a try '?
That was completely stupid, and Daichi probably would hang up immediately.
Maybe he was angry with him. Or just disappointed.
At the end he wouldn't call himself a good friend. And he wanted to go back in time to give his old self a big punch between the ribs, as he always did with Asahi when his negative thoughts gushed out of him.
Daichi didn't deserved it.
For tonight he decided to let it go for now.
After all, he already had his number, which was more than he had reached in his desperation in the past few weeks.
This is nothing that should be rushed, so he would think about it next day.
Somehow 'next day' became three more days.
At the end of the third day he decided to visit his grandparents.
They were living in a more rural area where he hoped to get the chance to relax more.
He would have had a change of scenery and could support his grandparents a little.
Sometimes, if you don't know what to do, it helps to change something, even if it's your view.
Something that he had learned by playing volleyball.
He wouldn't give in by the pressure of his everyday life, even if he was on vacation.
Nevertheless, this place also reminded him of his former captain.
They had been here once in a while on vacation.
It was a relaxing experience for both of them.
They had a lot of time to talk or just sitting together in silence.
A pleasant silence, not like how it was now.
When he gazed into the little brook where he cooled his feet after a long walk, it was as if he was not complete.
He was missing Daichi by his side and not just now.
Even if it was so calm here, he was worried that his thought's would get just louder than before.
There was something he could do, but that would take all of his courage.
Sugawara looked down again and pulled out his phone.
He opened the contacts and tapped at the number, almost as if he would be in a state of trance.
The deep voice that went through his body and made his heart beating faster, as if it wanted to talk to Daichi.
All the time, Daichi's heart had responded to his heart and he hadn't noticed.
"Hello?"
Right before Sugawara wanted to give up, a voice replied to his call.
He thought nobody would answer it, since his number was probably not stored in Daichi's phone.
"Hello? Who's it?"
"H -... Hello Daichi.", he replied hesitantly when he found his voice again after he stopped daydreaming.
Was he still alowed to call him by his first name?
"It's Sugawara, I-"
"Hello? I'm sorry, I don't understand. Hello?"
Slowly he lowered his arm to look at his phone, only to hear another "Hello?" in the distance before hanging up.
He started to hold his head with the other hand.
"Of course... I totally forgot that the connection is so bad here...", he mumbled to himself.
He had thought of everything but not that.
As the sun seemed to be slowly setting down, he decided to return to his home.
Even though he was even more depressed now, he tried to not to let it out, especially when he was eating together with his grandparents.
The last thing he wanted was to worry them.
Still, he went to bed early this night.
At least that was the plan. Not even giving his thoughts the chance to make a mess in his head again.
This was one of the reasons why he was even here.
Just when he closed his eyes, his phone vibrated several times.
Apparently it had finally found some connection again.
When he decided to look what was going on, he saw that he had 2 missed calls at different times.
But also a message.
His eyes widened for this moment.
After a short hesitation, he opened the new chat.
It was Daichi.
"Suga?"
It was only that.
But that alone led to a hurricane of feelings in his mind.
Sleeping was not an option anymore.
No matter what time it was now, he had to answer. Now.
"Yes, it's me. I'm sorry the connection was so bad, I'm at my grandparents house. I got your number from Ennoshita, please don't be angry at him.", he wrote and he could swear that his fingers have never flashed across the screen so quickly.
It was a miracle that he wrote something understandable.
"Oh, no wonder. I'm not angry with him. I'm just surprised. We haven't seen each other in a long time. What's going on?"
Sugawara wasn't sure how to classify the answer.
He hadn't had to wait long and it was somehow neutral.
But the most important thing was: he answered! Even though he knew who he was writing to now.
Should he say that everything was fine? Or should he tell him the truth?
But what position was he in that he would cry his eyes out after all these years?
"Unfortunately, I just got your letter now. I'm really sorry, it must have gotten in the wrong place when I was moving out." , he replied.
Okay, just with the head right through the wall...
It was not his plan to confront him directly with this but his fingers could't wait any longer.
He didn't get an answer for a long time and he was sure that he made a mistake.
More reasons to ne angry at himself.
A few seconds later, however, he saw that the connection had given up again.
With a long sigh, he laid back again in his bed.
It wasn't the best idea to contact him in this place.
Only in the morning Koushi saw that he got an answer.
He must have fallen asleep while waiting without realizing it.
"Do you still want to talk about it?", Daichi asked.
In the second message he had written down a number.
"This is my number from home. I don't live that far from my parents. In case you want to make a phone call or meet me."
Sugawara buried his head in the pillow and sighed.
A real phone call ... or even a meeting.
The whole thing became more serious now.
The answer of his former friend seemed to be so collected.
He would probably never lose this ability to keep a cool head in such situations.
Even so, Sugawara sensed that the subject wasn't that easy for him.
Even after the long time it seemed to be a serious topic for him to speak about and he knew exactly what letter he was talking about.
How could he forget that?
"Thank you, I'll let you know as soon as I can."
There was no going back now.
Sugawara was not allowed to give up now, since he came this far.
And no matter how this would turn out, he would surely be able to rest better afterwards.
And maybe also would Daichi, even if it will open some wounds at first.
The sun didn't want to go down and laughed at him merciless from above the sky.
It was a good thing that they seemed to have more of a day in summer, but why did it always have to be so damn hot in this time?
Every time he looked at the clock it was almost still the same time as before.
Sugawara had thought a lot about this situation in the past few hours.
He would be at home in a week and would have got a more reliable connection.
But did he really wanted to wait that long?
Maybe he would change his mind during that time.
And then it would be the same as before, the problem would not be solved and depending on how Daichi felt with it, the contact would decrease so much that it would be again 'nothing'.
So he decided to write a message.
"I'll call you with my grandparents phone soon."
Without paying any attention to his phone, he stood up.
The heat felt like it was pushing him down, but he didn't wanted to wait until it got a little cooler at night.
After showing up to his grandparents to let them know that he would call someone, he got himself a melon ice cream out of the fridge.
Now he was ready!
Not really.
But he had to make himself believe that.
No room for negativity!
Negativity begone!
He didn't had an answer yet, but it was difficult to say whether the message just couldn't get through or wasn't answered at all.
He was so afraid of this situation before but now he couldn't wait any longer.
The yearning had just grown over the years.
His voice .. he would finally hear his voice again.
So while his lips started to hurt from the cold ice, he tried to type the number in as quickly as possible.
Sugawara licked the ice from his lips and looked out into the small garden.
The phone was at the back of the house and instead of sitting on the little chair, he had chosen the stairs.
From here, he could see things a little bit from a different perspective like which he had seen when he was a child.
"Here at Sawamura?"
Sugawara's mouth remained open, but his words were still stuck in his throat.
That wasn't the voice he was expecting.
A woman's voice.
"At ... Sawamura?"
Sugawara repeated it to make sure that he heard it right.
"Yes, Sawamura. Have you dialed the wrong number?", asked the voice on the other end of the line.
The gray-haired wanted to answer the question with 'yes' and then apologize. But this was not the truth.
"No, I .. I'm sorry if It was not a good time to call. My name is Sugawara Koushi and I was hoping to be able to speak to Sawamura Daichi. Is he at home?"
"Sugawara?!"
Her voice almost overturned and it was difficult to tell whether it was supposed to be a surprised or shocked tone.
"Here is Yui! Michimiya Yui, do you remember? You .. haven't had any contact for a long time, right? At least from what I heard. Do you want to leave a message?"
Sugawara noticed the ice dropping on his thigh.
However, he was so frozen that he haven't moved a bit because of that.
It was already late. It wasn't particularly late for adults, but still...
Yui was with Daichi and she answered with his name.
"Sugawara?", she asked again.
The voice startled him after he was thinking too much.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I have to get used to the phone here. Nice to hear from you. So .. No, but thanks. I would like to speak to him personally. Maybe I'll call another time.", he said, intentionally ignoring the other topic.
"He's taking a shower right now, but he's about to finish-"
"No, it's fine. Thank you very much. I hope you'll have a nice evening."
With that he hung up without giving her the chance to say anything else.
What did he expect?
That he was waiting for him after he unintentionally broke his heart?
Sugawara had known that the situation was now likely to be different, and yet he felt more pain than he wanted to admit.
He checked his cell phone again. Still no answer.
Maybe it was something he should experience this way.
So he would prefer not to mention at least some things if there still would be a conversation.
If he was happy, it was okay.
Then it should be like this.
He had lost his own chance many years ago and now he had to live with the consequences.
If they had any contact, even if it's not much, it would mean the world to him.
That evening, his grandparents were sitting alone in front of the old television.
He was wondering how it could be that it was still working.
Sugawara had told them he was too tired.
In reality, he just needed this time for himself.
The next day, he still hadn't received a message, not even after restarting his phone at least three times to make sure it wasn't the device.
Well then maybe he should leave it for now.
If Daichi would not respond anymore, he would know what it means.
If he did, then it was good. If he remembered correctly, he hadn't even asked him what he was doing at the moment.
He didn't know anything about him.
Sugawara shook his head before deciding to go back to the brook.
It was his favourite place, just after the place under the old apple tree.
All the places he had shared with Daichi.
Perhaps he was drawn to these places so much because he felt connected and close to him there.
On the way to his place at the brook he met some people.
They all knew him, most of them from an early age.
He had to keep listening to how he had grown and how good he was looking.
Basically, he had more than two grandparents, if he thought about it properly, because as proud and warm-hearted the most people were, everyone here could be part of his family.
The sky was already turning dark when he layed down on the grass and let his feet hang back in the water.
His phone? He hadn't taken it with him this time.
Only he and the nature were here.
He was just going to go crazy with it all the time on the phone anyway.
He watched the sky calmly and tried to concentrate on the few clouds that slowly passed over him, taking on different shapes and colors, while the color of the sky continued to change.
A crow came into his field of vision and he couldn't avoid chasing it with his eyes.
She hovered almost up there with an ease that left him feeling soothing.
Right after that, he discovered that this crow had a companion.
Together they grew smaller until they disappeared completely from his sight.
He took a deep breath, only to close his eyes with a loud sigh and to catch the last rays of sunshine on his already red cheeks.
It grew darker than expected. Almost as if the sun had suddenly disappeared.
But wait a minute, that coudln't be?
Was his tiredness playing a trick on him?
He frowned skeptically before slowly opening his eyes where he met the eyes of a policeman.
A policeman who wore Daichi's face.
Nobody said anything.
Sugawara slowly straightened up, now sitting with his back to him and shaking his head.
This had to be the consequences of the heat...
He couldn't deal with that so good.
Koushi looked carefully over his shoulder to look at the policeman again.
He still looked like Daichi.
"Is .. are you all right?", he asked hesitantly before crouching down to be able to look at him better.
"Yes .." , Sugawara answered a bit nervously.
It was really him. It wasn't an imagination!
"Daichi ..? How- .."
"I thought if you weren't with your grandparents, you'd be here. To be honest, I wouldn't have known where else to look, I was already searching for you at the tree."
The policeman put his hand on his neck.
"Yui told me that you called. Somehow I couldn't wait any longer. I'm sorry to ambush you here. Actually, I should be saving people from something like that now ..", he said and laughed embarrassed.
Sugawara's lips moved to a smile and he couldn't even control it.
The former setter got up and cleaned his trousers. Sawamura stood up as well.
"Honestly, I'm happy about it. I didn't thought you would come right away.", he admitted.
When Daichi stood in front of him like this, he realized that the whole thing wasn't just a dream.
"Do you have time?", asked the visitor before starting anything.
"A lot.", Sugawara replied.
"So the police ... Wow. That's really great.", he said after taking a closer look at him.
Incredible.
Anyone who thought Sawamura Daichi looked good in his jersey had never seen him in his uniform.
But that was irrelevant now, he was actually here!
On the one hand it was as if he had never been gone, on the other hand there was a strange distance between them.
No wonder they hadn't seen each other for a long time, a lot had happened.
And yet he hurried to be here, didn't even had the time to change his clothes.
Sawamura smiled.
"I'll be happy to take you home safely.", he suggested, and Sugawara agreed to it.
He wouldn't push him away now. Even if he wouldn't wanted to see him.
They walked side by side in silence for a minute or maybe two.
It was really like a dream.
"How have you been?", asked Daichi, finally.
He was really interested in it and he also wanted to break the silence between them, like the ice that had formed between them over the years.
"I think it's going quite well. I'm on vacation at the moment. I'm a Teacher at a primary school."
Daichi couldn't help but laugh when he heard that.
"After we left school, you missed our first graders, huh?"
Sugawara smiled and nodded.
"Not only them.
"I can imagine that. You and children."
Again there was silence until they both wanted to talk about something at the same time.
Daichi actually wanted to speak about the issue with the letter, but since this was a sensitive topic that would likely make the whole thing more uncomfortable, he let Sugawara go first.
Even if it was burning on his mind, especially now that Sugawara was so close now.
"You first.", he said.
Sugawara understood and had to collect his thought's before asking the question.
"When did you get married?"
His voice was rough and quiet, his gaze fixed on something on their way, with a insecure smile on his lips.
Sawamura said nothing.
His steps were slowing down until he finally stopped walking.
The gray-haired noticed and also stopped after a few more steps.
"Maybe it's none of my business anymore, I-"
"I never got married. Who did you get this information from?", Sawamura asked.
He looked at his hands and finally held them out to him.
No ring.
Sugawara came closer and looked closely at his hands before looking up at his face in confusion.
"But ... when I called .. Yui called your name. That's why I assumed you were married."
Sawamura shook his head with a soft sigh.
"This is a misunderstanding. I have told her many times that she shouldn't do that.", he paused before speaking again.
"I can't have a relationship with someone I don't feel the same for. There are sure be people who don't care about that. But I'm not one of them. I've already told her, but .."
Accepting something like this was not easy for everyone.
In the end, hope remained stronger than anything else. And so people kept waiting.
He could empathize with that if he was honest with himself.
So that's how it was.
Sugawara had known long before that Yui had feelings for Daichi.
It was nice that their friendship was not broken, but it was certainly not easy sometimes.
"I see.", the gray-haired mumbled, shifting weight from one foot to the other.
"Every now and then she comes over and makes sure that I eat properly. Sometimes it gets really late."
That made sense.
In addition, the two had been friends for so long, he could imagine that it didn't really bother him.
Now he felt pretty stupid that he had just assumed that they were married just because she was answering his phone.
"I'm glad you still have each other.", Sugawara replied, looking up again from Daichi into the sky.
"The letter ..", Daichi started again.
Sugawara looked back at him.
He noticed that Daichi seemed to be having trouble finding words.
That was quite a rare sight.
Sugawara had come out of nowhere because of the letter.
"I would never have rejected you as a friend because of that." said the gray-haired man before he could continue speaking.
Daichi said nothing. Again.
"The reason why I distanced myself from you was ..."
"So it was intentional.", Daichi murmured, looking hurt as he clenched his hand into a fist.
It seemed to hurt him to have received this confirmation.
Sugawara moved again to come closer.
"Yes.", he replied.
"I know that I can never make it up to you again and that it was an incredibly stupid thing on my part. If not the stupidest decision I've ever made in my life. It didn't even worked."
Daichi didn't understand what he meant.
"What do you mean?", Sawamura asked, frowning.
He saw that he was still trying to remain calm.
Moths, attracted by the light of a small lantern, created a little shadow play on their faces and on the sidewalk.
In the meantime they could hardly see anything outside of these lights that were supposed to lighten up the path.
"If I had gotten the letter earlier...", Sugawara finally started talking again.
The moment had come when Daichi's face changed.
He could literally hear the rattling in his head.
"I felt the same for you, Daichi .."
It was another half an eternity later before they could put their troubled feelings into words.
"Why haven't you said anything?", asked Daichi, touching his forehead.
And why hadn't he noticed? He didn't seem to notice anything in general when he thought of how Tanaka laughed at him for only noticing Yui's feelings for him when she confessed to him.
"I just didn't dare to do it. I wanted us to be able to remember ourselves well and the wonderful time we had."
The policeman took a deep breath.
"You were such an idiot .."
He seemed upset about it, but not angry. He couldn't define it exactly.
Sugawara could hardly believe it himself.
If it weren't so sad, he'd laugh at it.
"I'm sorry, really. You can't imagine how bad I feel about it. If I can somehow make it up to you, please tell me how.", he pleaded.
He was serious. Really serious.
If he'd lost connection to his friend now, it would be much more of a nightmare than it had been before.
It had been a long time since they hadn't heard from one another, and Daichi seemed to have to think about it.
It was not an easy thing for both of them.
And now they were here.
The next words would decide the future and the direction of it.
"I might know something.", Daichi replied after a moment of hesitation.
Sugawara blinked a few times and continued to come closer.
"What is it?"
The policeman turned his face back to Sugawara and looked him straight in the eyes.
"You should be the one asking this time."
"What?", he asked in surprise.
"You said it didn't worked, right? So I'm assuming you meant that you still feel that way."
Sawamura felt a little weird by saying so.
No matter how you'll be, when it comes to love, it will always be very stressful.
Even though Daichi had made this a condition, his heart was pounding very strong at his chest.
After all, he might have been wrong in his assumption.
He hadn't even asked him if he was taken!
Sugawara felt caught. He was damn right about it.
And he didn't want to deny that either.
As he knew, he learned from mistakes and that he could now take this opportunity was already a miracle. If he woke up tomorrow and found out that this was all just a dream, this would be the cruelest dream ever!
"All right then!"
Sugawara cleared his throat to clear his voice and nervously kneaded his hands.
"Sawamura Daichi.", he began, taking a deep breath.
He could do it!
"Would you .. Would you like to go out with me?"
Everything seemed to stand still for a moment.
"I have to think about it ..", he replied with flushed cheeks and rubbed his chin.
"Daichi!", Sugawara complained.
How could he do that to him?
On the one hand, he deserved it, but it was mean!
Sawamura suddenly laughed as if he would lose all of his grief from the recent years.
Maybe it was even a small tear that flashed in the corner of his eye.
Sugawara didn't quite understand what was so funny, but that laugh was contagious.
He couldn't help but smile.
"I'd love to.", Daichi finally replied.
It was like they were both just waiting for that moment, even if they didn't knew it would ever come to this.
Because surely none of them had believed that this situation would ever happen.
Sugawara could no longer control himself and jumped into his friend's arms.
He clutched his clothes and pressed his face firmly against him, feeling the other's arms wrapping around him as well.
All their feelings were flowing into this hug.
The grief, the pain but also the joy and relief.
And especially all the love they still felt for each other.
Finally.
It all became clear so late.
But what should he say?
Better late than never.