Chapter Text
San Francisco, 1903.
Pamela considers herself a business woman, and a good one at that. She was a good whore too, brief though that whole endeavor was, because of her lack of attachment to her clients. She is considered a strict madam, but a secretly compassionate one.
Katherine, a new inductee to their hall of shame is made upset by her frivolous contact with a suitor, one who is married. Pamela assures her of how such behavior will not be tolerated, schools her in the cynicism of her new life. There is no foundation to build a relationship on, and certainly no love to be found. Katherine cries in her bed that night, and when asked the reason as to her weeping, argues that Pamela could have been kinder.
‘She’s looking out for you,’ Janet tells her, straight faced. Janet has dark curly hair that tumble down to her hips, self-admittedly her best feature. ‘Some day you’ll realize how lucky you are with her around to protect you.’
‘I bet she’s never been in love,’ Katherine says, ‘She’s never had her heart broken by a man, that’s why she cannot understand.’
Pamela hears this through the side door, and silently agrees. No man has ever broken her heart, but long ago, in the life of her youth, one broke her trust. The only thing that subsequently broke her heart was life.
.
San Francisco, 1905.
That’s when Eric comes in. Pamela doesn’t know it yet, but she will never love anyone the way she will love Eric. Eric will be her maker, her entire family. She will love Eric for decades, centuries, and she will never love any one better. For better or for worse, he will be the love of her life, and she will be alright with the fact that perhaps she will not be his.
Pam will never forget first time she takes him to bed, the first time she sees him smile. She will never forget wanting to be as strong and as vicious as him. She will never forget what it feels like to want Eric Northman.
She can tell that he is angry when they crawl out of the dirt.
‘You didn’t let me die,’ she says, later, when they’ve fed.
‘You didn’t give me much choice,’ he says. ‘Now I’m stuck taking care of you.’
‘There are worse things to be stuck taking care of, you know. You could be coddling the state senator’s for his erectile dysfunction problem,’ she tells him, and it makes the side of his mouth twitch up.
Pam doesn’t know it yet, but Eric is going to break her heart.
.
France, 1986.
When they’re finally set free by the Yakuza, Eric won’t say a word. He embraces her, tightly, his hand large against the back of her skull. In the last eight or so decades that she’s spent with him, there haven’t been too many opportunities where either of them were faced with any real danger. When these opportunities have arisen, he has embraced her the same way.
He won’t speak though; he lies in bed, and drinks. After half a month, Pam can’t take it anymore.
‘Do you regret it?’ she asks him.
He sighs. ‘Pamela, do you really fucking think this is what you should be saying to me right now?’
‘I’ve said everything else,’ she tells him. ‘I’ve expressed condolences, I’ve apologized. I understand that you are grieving, Eric, but I deserve to know why you can’t even look at me. Will I always remind you of the choice you made? Will you always hate yourself for making it?’
He doesn’t answer her, not then. Three days later he is waiting in her bed after she has bathed.
‘I don’t regret it,’ he says, the moment she steps out and sees him. ‘There was no other choice to make.’
Pam knows this deep down, knew it when she had a blade to her throat. Still, some deep part of her, ashamed and afraid, was convinced that Eric wouldn’t choose her. Afraid of the idea that what she shares can be usurped by his love for someone else.
Would she have understood? Would she have forgiven him? Pam doesn’t want the answer.
‘You are my progeny,’ Eric says, as he kisses her. He unties the knot on her robe and slips it off her shoulders, more gentle than he has ever been, before he pulls her flush against him. ‘You are my child, my sister, my mother. I love you, Pamela.’
Eric is her maker, and he is her everything. For the longest time, Pamela doesn’t see the problem with that.
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Shreveport, 2004.
Pam hates the video store. Every time she’s there, she is reminded of her brothel back in San Francisco, with the men coming in, hungry for sex. Unrealistic sex, at that, Pam thinks, fantasy sex. She would find it funny, if it wasn’t just pathetic.
A Brittany Spears song is playing in the background. Ginger is flirting with someone in the horror section. Eric is out in the apartment he keeps for show, fucking some redhead he picked up at the bar. She knows he is going to kick her out minutes after he’s done showering. He might glamour her, if he’s feeling particularly generous. Ever since Sylvie, Eric has never been the same with his affections for humans.
She knows he doesn’t hate her for it, but she also knows now that he hasn’t quite stopped hating himself for his arrogance. Eric Northman doesn’t rule the world, and doesn’t want to. He just suits it perfectly.
Her phone buzzes. It’s Hannah, this girl she’s been dating mainly for a quick and suspicion free blood supply. Pam likes Hannah as much as Pam can like humans.
The first time Hannah had come over to the store and seen Eric around Pam, she had laughed, and whispered, ‘I am so glad you’re into women more than men, Pam.’
Pam had scoffed into Hannah’s inner thighs, and then bit down.
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Bon Temps, 2011.
Pam has never quite hated any of Eric’s women as much as she hates Sookie Stackhouse. If there’s anything worse than seeing history repeat itself, it is seeing Eric mope over precious Sookie and Bill.
He won’t ever admit to moping, of course, but that’s what it is. Ever since Sookie kissed Bill in front of him, Eric has wanted her even more.
Sometimes, Pam wishes Bill had never dragged Sookie into Eric’s life. That’s where it all began to go downhill, after all. Eric, for all his arrogance and pride, becomes a sacrificial lamb whenever the women he loves are threatened. His anger at her when she almost blows the place up is shocking, but in a strange way Pamela needs to hear it. She’s doubted how much he values what they share for a long time now, but his rage breaks her heart just the same.
Then there’s Nora. There’s a history between them that fills Pam with so much envy, she feels as if she’s standing in the early sun. Pam keeps realizing how little she knows Eric Northman, how little anyone really knows Eric Northman. She wonders why she ever thought she could know all of him. He is so much older than her, and he has so many other people, and it is an embarrassment that she ever thought she was his everything.
When he releases her, Pam is almost relieved. She is sick and tired of seeing Eric almost get himself killed in the name of love. She is sick and tired of how he makes her want to do the same. The only difference is that his endeavors are for others, and hers are solely for him. The unfairness of it has become stifling. Pam lets herself believe that maybe someday Eric will learn better, that the ones he puts himself in harm’s way for will never repay the same loyalty to him.
She hopes that perhaps she can learn the same.