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Epilogue
3 Years Later / June 3rd
God, why is everything so damn complicated.
My eyes dart over the menu, nearly a hundred goofily named items scribbled over a six by six blackboard. Aren’t these neighborhood cafes actually supposed to be more…something? Word I’m searching for surprisingly illusive as I stare down something called a ‘Tripe Black Momba Morning Shocker’.
Scared or intrigued?
“Morn, double shot extra-large mocha espresso with extra whip, no cream and chocolate drizzle but just a little drizzle not a whole lot. And add caramel sprinkles.” The girl looks over her shoulder at me unnecessarily. “Caramel sprinkles have no fat.”
Nodding I force a smile, honestly this is too stressful. “I’ll take a large coffee.” Uncertainty hanging on my quick answer to an unasked question as I step up to the counter.
“What kind?” The kid behind the counter impatiently asks.
“Black.”
“Okay. What kind?”
“Regular.”
Sighing his jaw tightens and eyes narrow. “Regular what though?”
“Black. With lots of sugar and three cream?”
“So you want a heavy white rock with slight snow peak.”
“Um, sure.” I nod, tapping my card to the machine still not completely sure what he just said. “Sounds terrifying.” Soft laugh escaping myself as I step aside.
I’m too old for these places.
It takes but a minute for the third most uninterested kid behind the counter to hand me the monster of a cup that I am still not completely sure I actually ordered. “Never needed two hands for a coffee before.” Stupid joke completely lost on him.
Maneuvering past the massive sea of ravenous, caffeine deprived zombies I stare down the rim of my cup debating taking a sip. I haven’t been this scared to taste something since the first time I---Kate.
Her name rolls off my tongue with such ease it’s like no time has passed at all. The sight of her effectively ending the internal babbling that had been keeping me amused all morning.
A snorted chuckle of my name escapes as she looks up at me from her table right outside the door. How did I miss her on the way in? There’s a smile curving her lips, but I know her well enough to know she isn’t as pleased to see me as I am to see her.
“W-what are you doing here?”
She raises her cup. “Caffeine fix.” Tone dripping with sarcasm and had she been anyone else I would have taken offense. I would have had some equally combative quip, but she isn’t anyone else.
She’s Kate—my Kate.
All I can think is how much I’ve missed that tone. That tone that used to drive me insane on nights after a long days’ work. That tone that used to be uniquely endearing in the mornings before she had gotten her caffeine. That tone that was unmistakably owned by her in both the best and worst way possible.
“I meant in Toronto.”
“Oh, yeah of course.” She shakes her head, brown tensing as she lets out another snorted chuckle. “Conferences.” She shifts to the right slightly. I know she’s lying, she knows I know she’s lying, but its fine. I won’t push it. “I actually live in Montreal now.”
“Now?”
“Y-yeah.”
“As in just now?”
“Yeah. Well six months ago—now. To be lying. Closer to seven or eight.”
“Seven or eight.”
“Okay really eight.”
“Right.” I nod.
“Elders relocated me. Was first for the Menendez trial. And then the destabilization of the Brotherhood of Man. Now the new killer. Just thought it was best to keep me here.”
“Right. Makes sense.”
“I assume you’ve heard of the new serial--?”
“Why haven’t you tried to get in contact?” I interrupt, tapping the bottom of my jug against my thigh subtly, trying not to seem so nervous. So hurt. “Do the children know?”
“Yeah. Yeah. They know. I stopped by Harvard to seem them a bit ago.”
I nod, making a face I can’t help. “Wow.”
“They promised they wouldn’t mention it unless you asked. Guess you haven’t asked about me.”
“Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you.”
“Ah yeah, forgot had to be a mind reader to interact with you.”
“Kate.”
“Sorry.” She takes another sip, gesturing to the free seat across from her with her other hand. “May as well sit, might detour some of the gawkers.”
An unnecessary “What” escaping as I glance around to realize the caffeine deprived beasts have taken to watching our awkward exchange. Forced smile of my own followed by a sigh as I take a seat. “Been a while since that’s happened.”
“Married life is supposed to be boring, isn’t it.”
“Ha. Yes.”
“Where are the little ones? Back home?”
“With Bo.”
“Could have just said back home.” Her nostrils flare ever so slightly, eyes narrowing. Maturity always in short supply when it comes to Bo. Fighting the urge to smirk my eyes dance between my untouched concoction and her glare. I used to be able to kiss that face away, but now? Now even the words to keep her from snarling seem to elude me.
“Well, it’s not exactly as easy as that.” Honesty is the best policy, right? “We aren’t together actually. We haven’t been for almost a year.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“No you’re not.” I laugh, giving my best ‘yeah right’ look.
“No, really I am. Seriously I thought you two would make it work.”
“Thank you.”
“Always next time, right.”
“Next time?”
“Yeah, that’s the thing with you two isn’t it? Always a next time.”
“Um,” Taking a breath, eyes falling to the table as I attempt to maneuver this minefield. “I don’t think so.”
“Right.”
“It’s different this time.”
“I’m sure.” Amused she leans back in her seat, taking another drink.
“It is. We made it work, for a while. We were happy, really happy actually but it’s just that sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Yeah, don’t I know it.” Nodding she takes another drink, this time more as a way to avoid saying anything else than actually desiring a drink.
“Are you in town for long?”
“A week. Have some seminars I have to speak at. Some evidence to collect.”
“Where are you staying? Hotel? Girlfriend’s? Friend’s?”
“Subtle.” She smirks I can’t help but to return it. God it’s good to see her again.
“What? I’m just asking where you’re staying,” I laugh and for the first time she gives me a real smile, a genuine smile. I don’t think I realized how much I missed that to this very moment.
“I’m single Lauren.”
“Oh?” Way to play it cool.
“I have dated.”
“Oh.”
“Just because we broke up didn’t mean I became a nun.”
“No, of course.”
“Nothing stuck though.” She tries not to smirk. “Just never found someone I wanted to commit to.”
“Well,” I have to lightly bite my tongue to keep the smile from my face. “If you’re looking for something to commit to, I have a sink that needs fixing. You could commit a few hours to that.”
“Wh—what?” she starts laughing mid-sip. Eyes widening before narrowing again. “Did you just really ask me to fix your sink? I haven’t seen you in three years and then you come up to me and ask me to fix your sink?”
“Well see the thing is,” I bite my bottom lip and try not to laugh. What am I doing? “In the past twenty-five or so years I haven’t had much experience with dating so I’m not quite sure what the adequate approach is to asking a woman out.”
“What?” Another nervous laugh escapes, a certain softness creeping into her features.
“Was that not right?”
“No.”
“Oh, well I also have a leaky toilet and a child’s gate that’s lock doesn’t come unlocked. Are any of those enticing and-or correct?”
“Still no.”
“My fridge makes this really weird noise and the door on the microwave is lose as well. See I have many propositions for you.”
“Where the hell are you living?”
“Adian is a trouble maker, he wanted to flush the toilet and thought he could by pulling that cord in the back of it. The lock well I honestly don’t know what happened there, we just get trapped a lot. I now have to get up fifteen minutes early just so I can have adequate time to fidget with it.”
“And the other things?”
“No clue honestly.”
“Bo doesn’t fix these things for you?”
“Well see, we’re really trying this strictly friend approach.”
She snorts. “Right.”
“Don’t give me that smirk, we are. She is dating someone, Eva. It’s been a few months now. She’s a painter. They’re happy.”
“Really?”
“Yes really.” I laugh, reaching for my cup again but stopping short of taking a drink. “Another succubi, slightly older. It’s good for her actually.”
“Wait. You’re really okay aren’t you?” she ask, pure surprise lacing her words.
“I am. You know we had our shot. We actually had a real one this time and we just couldn’t make it work. But I know now. We know now. We tried. I think that was what really kept us, what kept me stuck in the past.”
“That you never knew if it could work if you had a real shot?”
“Yes.” I admit softly, giving her a gentle smile.
“I know the feeling,”
“Really?” I raise an eyebrow, a SLIGHT twinge of jealousy starting to awake. “With who? Alfie?”
“No.” she chuckles, raising her eyebrow. “You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, I always shared you with Bo—I knew that. But um, I just always wondered if things would have been different had you not still belonged to her. Would we have had a real chance?”
“I think so.” I whisper looking out onto the street needing to break eye contact. “We had a chance even when I did. So I have no doubt it would have worked had I been—free.”
“Did I really Lauren?”
“You know you did.” I say turning back to look at her, this somehow turning from awkward and playful to painful. “You know I never thanked you, for everything.”
“I loved you, didn’t need a thanks.”
“So, is that a heavy E-D on the end of that or a soft, nonexistent one?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” she smirks and I think she is serious. Possible score for the Doctor? “You look really—.“
“Old?” I laugh, finally taking a drink of my coffee. Oh my freaking God! What the hell is this?! Sitting up straight, cough catching in my chest at the unexpected taste, or rather jolt of a sugar explosion in my mouth.
“I was going to say good, you look different somehow.”
“Well three years and two new children will do that to you.” Huh, this is actually really good. I take another drink. “The different part, not the good part, thanks for that. You’re kind for that.”
“I mean it, you just look--.“
“I’ve let go of a lot of stuff.”
“Well whatever you did, it did you good.” She sighs heavily and I know she is about to make some excuse to leave. “I have—“
“To go?” Soft smile forced, eyes falling to the table. “Yes, I figured.” I try not to sound so disappointed. “It was great seeing you.” I smile with another nod and ready to stand.
I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, but I want to cry. I don’t want this to be goodbye and for some reason it feels so final. I want to catch up. I want to know how her life has been. It just seems too short, too quick. Ten minutes in front of some coffee shop isn’t enough.
But what are you going to do Lauren? Beg her to stay and talk to me? What right do I have after everything? After all this time?
“Lauren?”
“Yes?” I let out looking up a little too eagerly in my opinion, finding her already on her feet gazing me down.
“Do you still have the same number?”
“Yes, why?”
“That deathtrap of yours seems like it really needs some attention. I’m not doing anything this week other than some lectures.”
“Is tonight too soon?”
“Uh.” she laughs looking around, her mind quickly trying to debate whether or not this is a good idea.
“I’ll cook, your favorite apricot chicken.” I give my best puppy dog eyes and hopeful smile.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll text you later.”
“Okay.” I smile and watch her shake her head at herself as she walks away.
I don’t know what I am trying to do here. Or if I am trying to do anything actually.
I just know that it felt amazing to see her, that I didn’t want her to go. That I needed to see her again. I can’t lie my heart sped up and I had butterflies—it was nice. I can’t lie either about having the urge to pull her into a hug and kiss her.
You’re insane Lauren, it has been so long.
Turning in my seat I look behind myself watching her walk away, she must be staying close if she’s walking. Smile unusually plastered on my face, one that only grows as she glances back at me. It’s only a momentary glance. One just long enough for her to smile and shake her head. One just long enough to let me know there’s something still there.
You don’t look back unless there’s something there.
“That’s a good sign you know.” The hipster at the table beside me says from behind his tablet.
“Excuse me?”
“That she looked back.”
“Oh. Yes.” I nod politely, taking my cup in my hand as I settle back into my seat suddenly no longer in a rush. “It is, isn’t it?”
“Mm, very.” He nods, giving me a smile.
“We have history. Bad break up.” I find myself oversharing, taking a sip of my delicious impending heart attack. “Little over three years ago.”
“And she still looked back?” His lips purse together as he looks me over almost as if he just knows it was all my doing. “Must leave a lasting impression girl.” He laughs, attention shifting back to his tablet as mine drifts back to her empty seat.
I don’t regret my decision to try with Bo. We had some amazing times, but we just couldn’t make it work and as much as that hurt, it didn’t hurt as much as never knowing.
Honestly I’m not really saying I want to date her again, but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t love to try. I hadn’t really thought about it. I had in times thought of what-ifs and what-could-of-been, but to be in a moment where the thought actually meant something, I don’t know.
Truth be told in this moment I would jump back into our old life in a minute, not that I’d admit that aloud.
Truth be told in this moment things are clearer than ever and yet more confusing than ever, not that I’d admit that aloud either.
Truth be told in this moment there’s only one musing in my mind, posing the question of what if we had just took the long way around to find each other.
Could we work now, after everything?
Foolishly I give into the impulse to glance behind myself once again, knowing all too well she’d be long out of sight now. “Kate?”
“Funniest thing.”
“Forgot something?” I glace back at the table looking for whatever has brought her back.
“No.”
“Car trouble?”
She laughs. “No.”
“Um, I’m at a loss then.”
“I missed you.”
“What?” I ask foolishly, not completely sure I heard her. Or rather not completely sure I’m fully understanding what she’s saying.
“Crazy right? I mean here I am three years later completely convinced,” She hesitates, smirking. “Okay, more like seventy percent convinced I’m over you. I’m over us. I’m over it all. You never forget your
first love, your real love and that’s fine. I can deal with that. But here I am in the midst of all my fineness and then there you are.”
“I’m sorry?”
“You should be.” She huffs, eyes running over me. “You should be.”
“Kate.” I go to reach for her free hand only to have her pull it away with the slight shake of her head. “I shouldn’t have stopped.”
“You shouldn’t have left.” Sighing, she runs her hand through her hair as she looks out onto the street. “Can I walk you home?”
What?
It’s a silent question lost on myself as I stare up at her. I had been expecting a million different things to come out of her mouth when she turned back to face me. None of them nice and yet here we are.
My eyes shift past her to my car awaiting me across the street. I shouldn’t have parked there to begin with, if I leave it now I’ll definitely find a ticket. Or towed. That’s always fun.
She tells me “We don’t have to talk,” with a gentle smile, my eyes meeting hers. Her whispered admission “Honestly I’d prefer it.” Almost lost in the morning sounds of passing traffic. Eye shifting from her to my can and back to her as I stand with a gentle smile of my own.
Screw it, let them tow me.
It’s worth it.
She’s worth it.
She’s worth so much more.
Smiling I glance back at the hipster unconsciously to find him giving me a thumbs up like we’re some high school kids in the cafeteria. Just as well, the butterflies in my stomach are quite reminiscent of those years. She politely gestures forward as if telling me to lead the way, guess she was serious about the lack of discussion.
That’s fine, we have time.
One thing I can say with certainty is that we have an abundance of time and time means possibilities.
Endless possibilities.