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“Wait, guys!” Fig says, pulling everyone out of their independent reveries. “This could be some invaluable snooping time!” She ran her hands together, wiggling her eyebrows.
It was the Bad Kids weekly slumber party and the Party was in Fabian’s room.
Although typically hosted at Mordred Manor, considering that half the party and nearly all of their girlfriends/boyfriends lived there, it was nice to get out of the house.
So the Bad Kids, plus Ayda, were all hanging out in Fabian’s room. Except for one, an integral member of the group was missing.
Fabian was still out. Out on a date with Aelwyn.
And no, that wasn’t why Riz was so frustrated.
“Is it normal for friends to snoop on friends?” Ayda asked, leaning onto Fig, arms wrapped around her girlfriend’s shoulders.
“Oh, definitely,” Kristen responded, immediately walking over to Fabian’s nightstand and opening it.
“Guys, wait, no,” Adaine spoke up, ever the voice of reason. “Guys, this is wrong. We can’t just...loot Fabian’s room.”
Riz smiled to himself as he watched everyone take in her words, seemingly all coming to their senses.
That is..until Kristen laughed and held up something white and lacey from his bedside table.
“Oh hell yeah !” Fig let out a yelp of joy.
“Adaine, those are for your sister~” Fig sang, dancing gleefully around the large empty space in the center of Fabian’s relatively empty room.
“ Fig! ” Adaine exclaimed, her face pulled into an incredulous expression. “That’s disgusting ! I do not want to hear about my sister’s sexcapades with my friend.”
“Oh come on, you have to admit. This is some juicy stuff.” Fig said, as Kristen tossed the lacey thing back into the nightstand.
“No. I do not have to admit that.” Adaine said, sitting down in Fabian’s desk chair.
His computer roared to life, the first few notes of a sea shanty chiming as the computer booted up to the home page.
“Adaine, you are a genius.” Kristen said, rushing over to the huge computer.
Riz barely had time to register what happened next, with how quickly Adaine was pushed out of the way of the desk, Fig and Kristen shoving their way into view of the monitor, both cackling like hags.
“Gorgug, hack us in!”
Kristen cheered as Gorgug sighed and leaned down, grabbing the keyboard and mouse from Fig’s grabby hands.
This felt...wrong. An invasion of privacy. Although, there wasn’t much that Fabian had to hide. His business was kind of an open book, at this point. The worst thing on his computer had to have been his weird pirate porn, and they’ve already had their share of that during their first trip to Fabian’s house.
Still, Riz felt like he should stop his friends. But Riz was also so immensely curious. After all, clues and mysteries were kind of his thing. This was Pandora's box. This was a mousetrap.
“He doesn’t even have a password!” Fig exclaimed, laughing gleefully. “Fucking idiot.”
“We’re in!” Kristen said, shoving Gorgug back out of the way, not that she could have moved him if he didn’t let her.
And that was that. They were..in. In what, exactly?
“In...what, exactly?” Riz asked, speaking up for the first time since the scavenging had begun.
“Riz! Detective Gukgak!” Kristen came over and started to drag him towards the computer. “Help us investigate. The case of a missing Fabian Seacaster. He’s thirty minutes late to sleepover night. He could be dead!”
Riz rolled his eyes and pulled himself free, but he went over to the computer, standing near Adaine, yet with a view of the screen. This still felt wrong.
“Guys, this doesn’t feel good.” Riz said, but Fig shushed him.
“Riz.” Fig said, smiling at Riz. “I’m just going to pull up Fantasy Youtube. I don’t actually care about what kind of pornos Fabian gets his rocks off to.”
“Although it could be a bonding exerci-”
Kristen was cut off as Adaine Mage-Handed Kristen’s ponytail back.
Riz held back a laugh.
However, as Fig opened up the Fantasy Chrome browser, the last tab Fabian had been on opened.
A fantasy Google search for “how to break up with someone”.
“Oh shit.” Fig said.
“Oh shit is right.” Adaine said. Riz could tell she was holding back a small smile. Riz could also feel himself doing the same.
Without further prompting, Fig opened a new tab, clicking the search bar.
Recent searches:
How to tell gf your gay
Am i gay
How to know if your gay
What does being gay feel like
What does love feel like
Fig immediately exited the tab.
“Fuck.”
There was a moment of silence as everyone absorbed the information they had just received.
Riz should have stopped them. This wasn’t for them to find. They weren’t supposed to see this. They had invaded Fabian’s privacy. What kind of best friend was he?
Guilt coursed through his body, but before he could sink further into a self-deprecating spiral, Kristen broke the silence.
“The family grows!” She said, laughing.
“This isn’t funny!” Riz said, suddenly furious with his friends. “We shouldn’t have invaded his stuff. This wasn’t-... We shouldn’t have-” Riz couldn’t organize his thoughts. He didn’t know what he was thinking. Didn’t really register what he was saying. “This was private! There’s obviously a reason he didn’t tell us. God, he’s going to be so mad at us.”
He was going to be mad at Riz .
“Woah, woah, how was I supposed to know Fabian was having a gay crisis?” Kristen said, putting her hands up, placatingly.
“Exactly! We couldn’t have known. We didn’t know because he didn’t tell us . So we shouldn’t know. He doesn’t want us to know.”
He ignored how badly it stung that Fabian had kept this from him. He ignored it. It didn’t matter. Fabian was allowed to figure things out in his own time. They didn’t have to disclose everything. It was okay to keep secrets.
“But he knows we’d accept him!” Kristen exclaimed. “I mean, are Fig and I even in the place to not ?”
“Why he didn’t tell us is none of our business,” Adaine said, voice level. “Maybe he just came to terms with it tonight?”
Again, it was quiet, as Kristen and Riz silently fumed in each other's general direction.
Adaine was right, of course. Of course, Adaine was right. Adaine probably knew all along, with her Great Oracle-ness.
But it still stung. Why didn’t he tell him? They were...they were best friends. They told each other everything.
But Riz also understood. Because Riz was hiding from Fabian too. He pushed the thought away, Baron’s pale white face and alien words floating in the back of his memory, the image of Aelwyn and Fabian in a passionate tango taunting him.
Before anyone could speak up again, to change the subject or not, the door to Fabian’s room swung open.
Everyone turned
Fabian’s eye was pink, his cheeks wet. Riz watched as Fabian quickly built up his walls right before their eyes, mask coming into place as the confident and suave facade melded onto his features.
“What’s up, guys?”
“You’re late.” Adaine said, her mage hand holding Kristen back.
“Oh, uh, yeah.” Fabian said. He walked into the room, shutting the door behind him. “I was busy, you know. Aelwyn stuff.”
Was he..going to tell them?
“Aelwyn stuff?” Adaine asked. Riz was looking at Fabian, studying his face, but he knew that Adaine had an eyebrow cocked, making it known she knew something more.
Riz noticed Fabian wince, but it was small enough that he knew that only he and maybe Adaine would have picked it up.
“I uh..” He trailed off. Fabian looked down to his feet, and then back up. He made momentary eye contact with Riz, then looked away.
What was going on?
“I broke things off with her.” He said quietly.
“What?” Gorgug asked. “Why?”
Kristen began to speak, but Adaine pulled her back again.
Fabian’s eyes widened and Riz watched his breathing hitch slightly.
“Oh, uh-”
“It’s okay,” Riz said. “Really. You don’t have to tell us. We’re here for you, man. That must have been rough.”
Relief washed over Fabian's face as he looked down at Riz. Riz could feel Fig and Kristen scowling at him over his shoulder.
“Yeah. It was rough.”
Fabian collapsed onto his bed, stretching out horizontally across the frame. He sighed loudly.
It was quiet for a moment, as the other five Bad Kids, plus Ayda, looked at each other, unsure how to proceed.
Riz heard the Mage Hand fade and watched Kristen sit down on the ground. She didn’t say anything, but he watched her open her mouth a few times, contemplating whether she should say something.
They were all doing that, Riz thought. They were in a tricky spot now, watching Fabian sink into his sadness.
Riz had the luxury of knowing what Fabian struggled with. Fabian had told him about the emptiness, about the strange sadness that would overcome Fabian at the most inopportune moments, overwhelming him and pulling him into his mind, whispering into his ear all of his faults.
Riz was his best friend. Fabian told him everything. And Riz told Fabian everything. They were best friends.
So why didn’t he tell him this? Why did he hide this?
Riz felt that sting pierce his gut again, but he pushed it away. Fabian had a right to keep secrets. Riz kept secrets too.
But the thought was still there, nagging at him.
As Fabian’s best friend, he felt it was paramount that Fabian knew he could trust Riz with everything and anything. But he also knew that he couldn’t let Fabian know that he had imposed on his privacy.
So that left the question: how could he let him know without letting him know?
As Riz started to think it over, wheels turning in his mind, Fig spoke up.
“Fabian.” She said, crossing over to sit at the edge of the bed. “You can’t mope like this.”
That was not the right thing to say. Fabian struggled with depression. Fig had to at least see that. They were all there on Leviathan. They all saw the same defeated, destroyed Fabian. They had all heard Tracker’s worries, all heard her put a name to Fabian’s state.
“Come on, man.” She continued, poking him gently when he didn’t turn to look at her. “We should do something! Party! Celebrate your new single-ness or whatever”
Fabian turned onto his side, muttering something into the covers.
“What was that?” She asked, leaning down to listen.
Riz walked over as well, moving to sit on Fabian’s other side.
Fabian repeated himself, and Riz could just barely make out his words.
“I don’t want to be single.”
“Oh-kay…” Fig said. Riz could hear the wheels turning in her head. “Then...why did you break up with her?”
Fabian curled into himself, bringing his legs to his chest, closing his good eye. He shook his head.
“It just...wasn’t right. Toxic, or whatever.” His voice was still muffled, but Riz could hear the pain in it. He sounded distant, like he was trying to tell himself that it didn’t hurt as bad as it did.
“Oh.” Fig looked away, seemingly a bit embarrassed. She stood up and went to go stand by Ayda again.
“Fabian, we can do this another night, if you want,” Adaine said.
Riz heard Kristen start to say something, but he didn’t listen. He looked back down at Fabian.
“No,” Fabian interrupted. “it’s fine. We can still have our sleepover.”
He opened his eye and looked up, making eye contact with Riz.
“I kind of...want you guys with me right now.”
“Oh, come here, you!” Fig exclaimed, jumping onto the bed and wrapping her arms around Fabian. “Adaine! Pull some popcorn out of your jacket! Gorgug! Movie! Let’s get this party started!”
***
Riz could feel his eyelids growing heavy, closing against his will. He jerked up, willing himself to stay awake. He had to stay awake. He scanned the room, a dull sense of anxiety roiling in his brain.
As he looked around the room, he saw his friends, all doing their own things, movie forgotten and serving as background noise.
Fig was painting Gorgug’s nails, Ayda leaning against her. Kristen was throwing popcorn at Adaine, trying to land the kernels into the open pockets of her jacket.
Fabian was...not there.
Riz sat up, pushing the blankets off of him and standing up from the bed.
He stretched and looked around.
“Hey, where did Fabian go?” He asked.
Fig shrugged.
“He got up a little bit ago. Bathroom, maybe?”
Riz nodded, but something didn’t really feel right. Maybe that was his anxiety. Maybe it was the memory of what happened that night on Leviathan. The last time Fabian left the group. The last time he didn’t follow Fabian.
So Riz followed him.
“I’m going to grab some more snacks.”
“Ooh, grab me some of Fabian’s fancy sodas!” Fig said and Riz gave her a thumbs-up as he left the room.
Instead of going down the hall to the bathroom, Riz turned and went up, heading up to the Crow’s Nest.
If Fabian wasn’t in the bathroom, he was there. Moping, most likely.
And Riz was right, as he began to climb up the stairs, he heard a voice.
“I’m not in the mood, The Ball.”
Fabian sounded rough. His voice was dry. Broken. He sounded hoarse, like he had been crying.
Riz walked up to Fabian.
He was curled into himself, sitting on the stairs, leaning against the wall. As Riz approached, Fabian looked up, the tear streaks on his cheeks catching the light.
He looked at Riz, a flash of panic rushed over his face. Riz watched, once more, as Fabian put his walls back up.
“I’m fine, The Ball.” Fabian said. He looked back down, putting his head against the wall. “Just go back to the party. I’ll be back in just a minute.”
“Fabian…” Riz trailed off. He scanned Fabian’s face.
“What?” He picked his head up, staring into Riz’s eyes, an intensity burning in his eye.
“It’s okay to not be okay.”
All the fight left Fabian’s body at once.
“I- I know that. But I’m okay.”
“Really? You don’t look it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Fabian scoffed, his facade fitting back into place.
“Dude, you just broke up with your girlfriend.” Riz said, cocking an eyebrow. “Who, need I remind you, you were crazy over not even a year ago.”
“I...know. But it just wasn’t right.”
Riz nodded. His mind flashed back to what they had found on Fabian’s computer. He wasn’t supposed to know this.
“What..happened?” Riz asked, pretending that he didn’t know why. Pretending he hadn’t invaded his privacy. Pretending he wasn’t a bad friend.
Fabian shrugged. He scooted closer to the wall, patting the spot on the stair next to him.
Riz took the silent offer, sitting down next to Fabian.
It was quiet as they sat next to each other, but the moment felt loud, somehow. The air felt alive. Like the moment before a huge storm, electricity crackling in the air. The blood rushing in his ears sounded like thunder. The space between their thighs on the stair felt like lightning.
Riz almost jumped when Fabian spoke, startled to hear the silence broken.
“I didn’t want to date Aelwyn.” Fabian said, quietly.
“What?”
“I didn’t want to date her.” He repeated. Riz felt Fabian’s chest heave as he sighed. “I wanted to want to date her.”
“What do you...mean?” Riz asked, although he understood. He understood better than Fabian knew.
“I..I wanted to like her. It’s...that’s how it’s supposed to go, you know? The pretty, popular girl and the star quarterback? That’s how it works.”
“Fabian…you know-”
“And-” Fabian cut him off. “-and, I know that it doesn’t have to be like that. I know. It’s just that it usually does, and-”
“Fabian you could date anyone you wanted,” Riz said. His turn to interrupt.
“I-” Fabian looked at Riz, shocked. “I know that, too.”
He laughed lightly, throwing Riz his trademark suave smile. Or, an attempt at it.
“I could date any girl in the school. Yeah. Yeah, I know that.”
Although Fabian didn’t sound very excited about that prospect.
“And?” Riz asked. “You don’t sound very..excited.”
This felt wrong. He felt like he was trapping Fabian. Was this wrong of him? He knew what Fabian was trying to protect. He knew what Fabian wasn’t saying. Was he trying to trick Fabian into telling him?
“I…” Fabian trailed off. “I don’t..want to date any of the girls in the school.”
“Oh.” Riz said.
“Yeah. Oh.”
It was quiet for a moment, as Riz thought about what he should say next.
“Fabian..what are you telling me?”
Fabian didn’t respond, instead, he collapsed into Riz’s side, burying his face into Riz’s shoulder.
Riz wrapped his arms around Fabian, pulling him close. As he felt Fabian begin to shake, he held him tighter.
“Riz…I’m so confused .” He said, voice catching as he tried to hold back his sobs.
“I know.” He said, truthfully. He did know. He knew.
“No. No Riz you don’t. You can’t.”
“I can’t?” Riz asked.
Fabian shook his head.
“No. You can’t .” His voice cracked. It wasn’t a statement. He was pleading.
“What if...I do?” Riz asked, whispering as he looked over Fabian’s shoulder, feeling Fabian shudder in his arms.
All at once, the dam broke.
He felt Fabian relax in his arms, chest heaving as he began to cry into the crook of his neck.
Riz could feel the collar of his shirt dampen with tears and he began to rub small circles into his back, just as his mom used to do when he was younger. When his dad had just-
“You’re okay.” Riz whispered. “It’s alright.”
Fabian’s arms hugged him even closer, and Riz sighed.
He continued to comfort Fabian, rubbing small circles and whispering kind words. And Fabian continued to cry, shuddering and shaking.
Fabian cried for what felt like hours. It could have been hours. How long would they have before their friends came to check on them?
Fabian held onto Riz for a few minutes after his breathing calmed, but then he pulled back, wiping at his eyes.
Riz expected to see Fabian’s walls go back up. He expected this to be an unspoken moment in their relationship. Something that transpired between them and they never spoke about after the fact.
Except..he didn’t.
Fabian pulled back, wiped at his eyes, and then sighed.
Riz heard Fabian swallow, breath deeply, and then clear his throat.
“The Ball…” Fabian started, but then trailed off.
“Fabian…?” Riz responded, looking up at Fabian, who was looking off, down the stairs.
“Thank you.”
“Of course,” Riz said, laughing lightly. “What are best friends for?”
He knocked their shoulders together, trying to cheer Fabian up.
Fabian smiled slightly, and Riz felt his heart soar.
“Yeah. Best friends.”
“Fabian and The Ball.” Riz laughed again.
“Fabian and The Ball,” Fabian repeated, scoffing, although his smile grew.
It was quiet again. The storm in the air began to brew. Thunder roared in his ears. Lightning crackled in the space between them. Riz became excruciatingly aware of the sensation of Fabian’s thigh touching his.
Then something unexpected happened.
“The Ball?”
“Yeah?”
“I-” Fabian took a deep breath, and Riz felt his shoulders rise beside him. “-I don’t really know what’s going on with me.”
“That’s okay.”
Fabian didn’t respond, so Riz spoke up again.
“Do you...want to talk about..what’s going on?”
Fabian shook his head, but then he sighed.
“I don’t...I think I’m gay.”
Riz smiled to himself, feeling butterflies explode in his stomach.
“Fabian, that’s great,” Riz said, turning to look at Fabian.
But Fabian was still avoiding eye contact, staring at the wall.
“Riz, do you have any idea what this feels like?” He asked, his voice breaking. “Have any idea what it feels like to question everything? To have everything about you be wrong?”
“Yeah. I do. I think I do.”
He held his crystal up, opening the Fantasy Chrome up and showing Fabian his last searches.
what does love feel like?
platonic love vs romantic love
And most recently:
in love with my best friend?
“Riz…”
“Yeah, I know. I know, pretty pathetic of me.” Riz said. “The nerd has fallen for the jock.”
He lowered his phone, turning the screen off and putting it back in his pocket.
“No, Riz, wait.” Fabian turned and took Riz’s hands. “You’re not pathetic, The Ball. You could never be pathetic.”
Riz nodded.
“Thanks Fabian.”
“No thank you, The Ball.” Fabian said, squeezing Riz’s hands.
Riz furrowed his brows and looked up at Fabian.
“What do you mean?”
Fabian smiled slightly, although it was obvious that he was trying to hold it back.
“The Ball..you helped me come to terms with my sexuality. I..I would probably have repressed it for longer. If I hadn’t...realized how much I liked you...I probably wouldn’t have been able to admit it to myself.”
“Oh.”
Fabian laughed lightly.
“Yeah. Oh.”
Another quiet moment. But the storm didn’t begin to brew.
Instead, Riz leaned Fabian’s side. And Fabian let go of Riz’s hands.
For a moment, Riz was terrified that he had done something wrong.
But then, Fabian put his head down on Riz’s shoulder.
“I really like you, The Ball,” Fabian said. “And that’s really scary.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
In the corner of his eye, he watched Fabian pick his hand up, almost to take Riz’s hand, before putting it back.
“You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for,” Riz said, watching Fabian repeat the movement again.
“No, I’m-” Fabian’s breath hitched. “I’m ready. I...that’s why I broke up with Aelwyn. I admitted it to myself. I’m gay. And I like you.”
Riz felt his face heat up.
He reached out, placing his hand on Fabian’s.
Fabian turned his hand up, interlocking their fingers, and Riz rubbed his thumb over Fabian’s knuckles.
They stayed like that for a moment, leaning into each other and enjoying each other’s company.
“The Ball?” Fabian asked, shifting his head to look up at Riz, but not picking it up.
“Hm?” Riz looked down, once more excruciatingly aware of the distance between them.
His eyes drifted towards Fabian’s lips, but he willed himself to make eye contact.
“Can I kiss you?”
Not even a question.
Riz leaned down, pressing his lip to Fabian’s.
He had never done this before. Fabian had. Fabian had a lot.
So he let Fabian take the lead.
When Fabian moved his lips, Riz copied his movements. When Fabian lifted his head off Riz’s shoulder to wrap his arms around Riz, he did the same for Fabian. When Fabian pulled Riz closer, Riz leaned into him, chest pressed to chest. Riz lifted his hand to Fabian’s chin. Fabian’s hands went to Riz’s hair, his hat left downstairs.
They kissed for a while. Riz’s sense of time was gone, the only things he could think about being Fabian and the feeling of his lips on his own.
“Fabian.” Riz said, pulling away, although Fabian just followed, kissing him again. “Fabian, we should-”
“I know.” He replied, between kisses. “Our friends.”
“They know we’re gone.”
Fabian rolled his eye.
“Just..one more kiss?”
Riz laughed, standing up and holding his hand out for Fabian to grab.
“Come on.”
Fabian took his hand, and they walked back down the stairs, hand-in-hand.
***
“About fucking time!” Fig exclaimed as they opened the door to Fabian’s room. “I’m literally starving .”
Then Fig noticed their hands, and she clapped her hands together.
“About. Fucking. Time.”
Fig stood up and ran to the door, pulling them in.
“The family grows!” Kristen said, leaning back.
“Can’t wait until Ragh and Tracker get back.” Gorgug said, smiling to himself.
“Don’t remind me that she’s gone!” Kristen said, groaning and flopping into a pillow.
“Hey, my boyfriend’s gone too!” Gorgug said.
“Yeah, but you have a whole girlfriend still here !”
“But I still miss my boyfriend .”
“Yeah, well-”
The conversation devolved from there, as Kristen and Gorgug tried to get the rest of their friends involved in their argument.
Riz smiled and squeezed Fabian’s hand.
“See. Everything’s alright.” Riz whispered to Fabian, sitting on the edge of Fabian’s bed.
Fabian leaned into Riz and kissed his forehead.
“Thanks, The Ball.”
“Of course,” Riz said.
“You guys are gross.” Kristen joked, and Adaine pulled her ponytail one last time.
“We watching a movie or not?”
“Oh, we were. Then you guys decided to play tonsil hockey in the-”
“Just press play, Fig!” Adaine said.
Riz was about to thank her, when Adaine added:
“We can talk about that in the morning.”
“Yes!” Fig exclaimed, laughing, and she pressed play.
***
That night, as Riz tried to keep himself awake to watch over his friends, Fabian pulled him close.
“Come on, The Ball. We’re safe.”
And they were.
And when Riz woke up the next morning, Fabian was still there. His friends were all safe. But most noticeably, Riz was still in Fabian’s arms.
Question answered.
What does love feel like?
Answer:
Good. Amazing. Better than Riz could have ever imagined it.