Chapter Text
The house is bustling with preparations for Kahraman's first hunting trip. It was a common initiation ritual for the Kocovali men to head onto the woods and hunt birds once they turned eighteen. And it was only the week before that Kahraman turned eighteen. You remember your own hunting fiasco and your very first kill. It was your first time to hold a gun and shoot a living thing. Before this, you only practiced with your dad on bottle targets to perfect your aim. However, the actual hunt was different...Alot messier. You could never forget the blood that trailed down the creature's little torso. You could never imagine that a creature, not bigger than your palm, could bleed that much. You wanted to throw up but your dad was watching. You didn't want to disappoint him because you were Cumali Kocovali after all, Idris's eldest and his own invaluable killing tool.
Since this year, however, your father is busy, he wants to send you all four alone, and exempt himself from attending, relying on you to support Kaharaman in his stead. He insists, as well, that you take the three year old baby with you. Sure, take the three year old to watch little birds get killed! It doesn't make sense to you. You can barely register the need for Selim's presence, but Yamac, that doesn't seem right to you at all. Idris justifies himself to you and Sultan by claiming that it was better for Yamac to get a view of the Kocovali way of doing things from a young age. Ahhhh, Dad. That's your good old fashioned father for you. You keep your concerns to yourself and do as your father wishes. Your mother comes down with Yamac and hands him over to you, asking you to keep watch over your youngest. The three year old is wrapped under layer upon layer of clothing. He is wearing a puffy jacket, a couple of high-collared shirts underneath, a thick beanie, a striped scarf and black boots. His features are barely recognisable underneath all this that he looks like he is more drowning inside his own clothes than wearing them. But even through the tiny portion of his face that is visible to you, you can see how anguished he looks. You kneel in front of him to match his height, and notice even more the boy's distress through his crossed eyebrows and droopy eyes. You can't blame him. It was a 6 am typical mid january day. The temperature was below zero, and while every other sane human being was enjoying the comfort of their homes, the Kocovalis were invading the chilly grounds of the wilderness. Your baby brother was obviously grumpy, having been woken up at this hour for a purpose that eludes his young mind. You wrap him in your arms, and pat his back sympathetically. He nuzzles his little nose against your chest tiredly, prompting you to rise up and carry him in your arms. You give Sultan a look of despair, and she answers you with one of her own. If it was up to either of you, he wouldn't be awake at all at this hour, but the oldest Kocovali decreed his will, and the whole family had to follow through whether they liked it or not.
Your mother does her bidding, and cooks her children a feast before she sends them in the arctic weather outside. The four Kocovali brothers sit solemnly on the table, with their youngest sleeping soundly in his eldest brother's arms. His head was leaning on your shoulder that you could feel the soft air escaping his nose from his adorable snuffling. You adjust him slightly over your left side, so that you could hold him with one hand, while you eat with the other. Your mother, noticing your discomfort, offers to take him from you, but you refuse. The kid was miserable as it is already; you did not want to have to wake him up again when he had found his solace at last on your shoulder. You glance over at the other two. Kahraman, across from you, is inhaling the food, obviously excited for his first hunt. You know because that's how you were during your time. You want to warn him that this excitement wears away, and is replaced with regret at the very first look of the dead bird, but he won't understand until he experiences it himself. But then again, Kahraman was always stronger than you when it comes to controlling his own emotions. He is not as impulsive or empathetic as you are. He understands the necessity to do questionable, even evil things if it's for the greater good. And sometimes, not even for the greater good, sometimes for his mere whim. When he gets onto that same frequency with your father, you can't help but feel jealous, and even harbor ill feelings for Kaharaman because he was able to be what Idris always looked for in his sons, but never found in you, or Selim and of course, Yamac is still too young to tell. However, deep down, you know Yamac is going to disappoint him, too. The way his young heart seems to fall in love and pity everything around it easily, is a sign of weakness of character according to your father's firm beliefs. He is gonna end up like you, and Selim, another mere disappointment.
Looking at the other disappointment next to you, Selim doesn't move a finger, just stares at the food.
"Why are you not eating?" You nudge his shoulder slightly to get his attention.
"I am not hungry" he answers, pouting. He is obviously trying to hold back his tears. A little more push, and you could feel that he might explode. You don't know if you should comfort him, yourself or Yamac at this point, but you try to keep your strong facade. You are the oldest, after all. You open his palm, and place the spoon in his hand.
"I know you didn't want to come but dad wants us all to be there, so none have a choice in the matter... See! Even Yamac had to come" You say, encouragingly. Selim hears this, and eyes you and the boy sleeping in your arms with sad eyes. "I'll be with you the entire time, and we will be back before you know it. I promise"
Selim's face lights up at that, and digs in his food finally. You all have your meal, and head on your way. You say your goodbyes to your mother, and she recites her prayers for you and your brother's safety. The desired woods are not too far; they are only five, six away from your house. It shouldn't be a problem going to and from in under three hours. It all depends on Kahraman's shooting skills, but considering how confident he looks, this seems like a piece of cake for him.
After about fifteen minutes of walking, you are finally deep enough in the woods to see the birds lurking in the sky. It doesn't take too long before Kahraman aims his rifle upwards, and fires his first shot. Selim and Yamac are instantly stunned. Selim moves behind your back, and grabs your shirt, while Yamac wakes up and starts fidgeting in your arms. You shush Yamac reassuringly while caressing his back. To your surprise, he doesn't cry, instead asks to be let down.
"Abi…" he whispers next to your ear. "P-please, down!"
You smile slightly at how polite he is. The children, you know, usually scream or cry when they feel the need to express themselves. You know because you were an older brother to two brothers before Yamac, so you remember how they were at that age. They were both fussy in their own way. Selim was needy, wanting to be held all the time, while Kahraman was hyper, running around the house like a maniac most of the days. Yamac, on the other hand, is more of the contemplative type, making him the easiest to deal with among your brothers. He doesn't cry much, just sits around in his room, playing quietly with his toys. He is too quiet, and it scares you sometimes because you never know what he thinks or feels. You can't give him what he needs if you don't know what that is in the first place.
You place him on the ground gently, and get on your knees beside him till he settles down. He looks around him, trying to make sense of his surroundings. His hand is still hanging onto your forearm, and you can sense his apprehension because of the strange environment. But it only takes him a while to assert your presence with him, and he calms down. It's a validating moment for you as his Abi when he looks up to you as his protector, his safety net. It's just then that you realise that you would do anything in the world to protect this boy and live up to his expectations.
Once Yamac settles down, you hold Selim's hand and Yamac's in the other, while Kahraman continues shooting every passing bird in the sky. He finally claims his prize, and guns down what looked like a pigeon. Excited, Kahraman runs towards the spot where the bird fell. You follow along with Yamac and Selim from behind. When you reach the spot, you see a small pigeon, probably only about 30 cm long, a small size for its breed. But the disturbing sight was that the pigeon's neck broke when it hit the ground at its speed. It was probably already dead by then, but the way its neck was twisted was of course not a very pleasant sight for the two young ones. Selim became hysterical at the sight of the bird, and broke away from your grip to fall on his back in an attempt to retreat from the scene. Yamac, as well, was sobbing and heaving from shock. You curse yourself. You should have thought better than to bring them closer to a sight like this. And Kahraman, of course, was not fazed at all, rather, overjoyed at his success. You can tell that he only thought about bringing the bird for your dad to see, and lavish himself in his dad's praise.
"Wrap it up!" You yell at Kahraman to pack the bird and leave immediately. You just want to be done with all this. The whole journey is getting more unpleasant by the second, and you reckon that it's better for you all to leave before things get out of control.
"The b..ird...the bird" Yamac stutters while crying. Your heart breaks, looking at him barely able to catch his breath from tears. "Dead...Abi...Abi..." he keeps yelling your name a couple of times after that as if asking you to fix it, to bring the creature back to life, but you are not a magician, and there is only so much you can do.
You cuddle and hold him in your arms. You rock him back and forth in an effort to get him to stop crying. You look over to Selim, and he is in no better shape than Yamac. Kahraman is comforting him as you instructed him to, but the boy looks stunned. He is still looking at the spot where the bird died, despite Kahraman removing the bird from that spot a long time ago. His eyes look dead, still lost at the horrifying sight of the dead bird.
They become quiet after a whole half hour of this mess, but only because they grew tired of crying. Yamac is slumped against you dejectedly, his small arms dangling off his sides, all his energy spent on his earlier wailing. A crushed expression hammered to his face, and no matter what you do, it stays there. You let out a big sigh. You have failed both of your brothers miserably when you promised to protect them before anything.
This has been an absolute disaster. You all head home, tired and scarred, except for Kahraman who can't help a grin show on his face every now and then. You don't blame him; he is still a teenager after all. Although you are only two years apart, you have always had a greater sense of responsibility for the younger siblings than Kahraman, but it's your cross to bear, being the eldest Kocovali son. You certainly don't mind it, if anything you wish you'd keep them all safe, away from the ugly world of murder and death that is the core of your father's clan.
Walking back absorbed in your reflections, you miss the slight rustling of the bushes around you. And before you know it, you are all surrounded by ten gunmen, all covering their faces with what resembles ski masks. There was little time to react. It all happened too fast. No...No! This can't be happening!! This is what your dad warned you of, and you always dismissed as blind obsession. This is the part where you and your brothers die a horrible death. You know because your dad narrates this story to you over and over again, every time with the same ending: the sad death of the oblivious hero.