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“Please, just say it. Please.”
At my words, his hand dropped to his side, taking a step back as I opened my eyes. Why would I think this time was going to be different? It’s been almost 2 years since I first met him, pepper spraying him in the middle of the night. We went through creepy vampires, thralls, sirens, trappers, Farah’s pointy remarks on the obvious attraction (bless her heart for keeping me from thinking I was crazy). With Adam, it was one step forward, two miles back.
My cheek was growing cold without his palm covering it. How long was he ready to keep it that way? A touch here, a longing look there, an I love you only lingering in the air, never truly admitted.
“I wish I could wait for you forever. But I.. I just can’t?” The words coming out of my mouth dawned on me as I was just realising myself the implications. Reality hit me right through the chest. Hard. Time flies, it isn’t infinite. Not for me.
“I don’t have eternity, it’s unfair. I can’t see anyone else, I can’t want anyone else, I can’t think of anyone else. No one can compare to you.”
For the last two years, I couldn’t even consider looking elsewhere. No man’s voice gave me shiver down my spine as his could, no woman heated my skin from a simple look as he does. Just the idea of trying to see someone else disgusted me, as if I were cheating on the tall man in front of me. I was trapped in a relation that wasn’t a relation. Trying to not feel rejected, but how could I not? No matter what I would do, no matter how hard I tried, I would never be enough for him to let go. How could I compete with a centuries years old Agency that gave him purpose in life? And that was what broke my heart the most; his belief that emotion would hinder his ability to do his duty. I couldn’t understand it. Maybe if I were 900 years old, I would see it differently, but to me, love was everything. Everything I did was for love, with love. It is the source of my strength and determination. My love for those I care about, for the people, may they be humans or supernatural, it doesn’t matter. My love for this world: it is why I would never stop fighting for it.
“I can’t stay in this position any longer.” I wanted to respect you. I wanted to respect your boundaries. But will I ever be able to break down your walls? Will you ever let yourself see there is more in life? Will you ever let yourself be happy? Can you get over whatever is holding you prisoner in your own body? “I’m sorry, I need to choose myself. I need to at least try.”
“I understand.” He nods. His face was more impassive than ever before, as if he was expecting this course of actions. “I never wanted to let you belie...’’ His deep green gaze stared far behind me for a moment before moving down to meet my eyes. “You have nothing to wait for.”
I’m sorry for this. I didn’t want it to happen this way. I wanted it to be on your terms. But will you ever allow yourself this?
Cupping each side of his jaw in my palms, I lowered his head to me, colliding his lips to mine. His body froze in place as I could hear the scream of his thoughts. He didn’t move and neither did I. Please, let go. Let go. Allow yourself this. Slowly, for a moment that seems to be an eternity, his lips softened, became more tender against mine. It felt natural, as if it was meant to be; it felt like finally coming home. None of the fears that were clouding his mind could make me believe this was wrong.
POV ADAM
“But I’m sorry, I need to choose myself. I need to at least try.” Not wanting to betray himself, he diverted his attention from her piercing stare, protecting himself from letting any emotions escape. When it came to her, the vampire wasn’t be bulletproof, no matter how hard he tried.
“I understand.” He should feel relief that she was doing what he couldn’t resign himself to do. He became too comfortable with the way things were. Having her close, stealing a glance. He was content with this; nothing good would come out from more.
“I never wanted to let you belie...” She lived in the present, carefree of what will happen next, unburdened by the past. She was the most alive person he ever encountered, the tenacious sunshine coming through the heavy rain clouds. She was everything he wished to be and have. But she was human. There was no future possible.
“You have nothing to wait for.” He announced, looking down at her, hoping that she would read resolve instead of resignation on his face. It was for the best, he kept repeating to himself. You knew you couldn’t keep it that way forever. She is right, it’s unfair to her. It’s time to put an end to this.
Adam barely had time to register what was happening when her burning touch brought him to her in a kiss. No vampire speed would have prepared him to this. He couldn’t move, he didn’t trust himself. He couldn’t process what was happening, only the consequences.
He had no future in human society and her time with the agency wasn’t unlimited. She would leave. Either on her own accord or not. Humans were fragile. No matter how many times over she would prove him wrong and survive, it doesn’t change how easily her beautiful, full of light, eyes could turn cold. And even if he could protect her -please don’t let anything happen to her-, how long did they have? A few years before logic and reason force them to accept this could go nowhere? He knew better than to ask her to stay with him, with them, forever. To truly becoming a part of Unit Bravo. The haunting memory that came with the centuries old drawing he kept in his drawer was a painful reminder of that. If he accepted her light and the warm arms she offered him, how could he ever go back to wandering in life once she was gone? You can only miss what you experienced. How could he ever be content with the purpose the Agency gave him after having succumbed to the feelings growing out of his chest? He’s never felt anything like that. The love and comfort that came from her was hitting him like a hurricane and never in his life had he ever have that desire to let himself drown. Her lips were so soft as he lightly put pressure against them. Every wall he built was crumbling down without a sound, without a fight.
Until she withdrew her mouth from him, letting her forehead rest against his.
“I don’t want to waste the time I could have spent loving you. It is too precious. I know we have our disagreement and that we fight for no reason and that it might not be perfect, but I never wanted anything more, so please Adam, just say you want it too or I swear I’ll…” As she was rambling, his whole body was in a trance. His eyes lost in their observation of her sweet plump lips. Adam couldn’t hear any sounds coming from them. Only the pounds of her heart, intertwined with his. He wanted her. He wanted this. To be with the woman who gave him the desire to truly live in the moment instead of planning what would come next, the next move, the next goal, the next mission. He was done resisting. As swiftly as a pulled magnet, he let his lips cut whatever nonsense she was now saying. No matter how much he fought it, no matter how hard he tried not to give in, to bottle it all up, Adam didn’t have the strength anymore. Not when he could hear her moan against his opening lips, with her arms wrapped around his neck, keeping him down close to her, and his holding her waist, keeping her tight against him. They had never been more in sync than in this moment, moving on each other, tasting the forbidden fruit that was denied for so long. His hand moved to rest on her lower back while the other went up to her nape, grasping her strawberry blond hair. It had been so long since he felt desire, since he wanted and needed someone. He never thought it was possible, but there he was, just a simple man craving for touch and love. Is that what it is like to be human?
Adam lost himself in the heat of the moment until he tasted a salty moisture against her lips. Taken back, he immediately liberated them as she was panting, staring at him with her wet doe eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to.. If I misunderstood your intention, I apologize.” He frowned, still heavily breathing, ready to take a step back in complete confusing, but she wouldn’t let him.
“No! No, you dummy! You realize a human can cry out of happiness?” She giggled. He wanted to be annoyed; there was no sense in crying when you were happy, but her smile was so bright that he couldn’t help but to slowly mirror hers, his cheeks hurting from the unusual expression. Not a smirk, but a genuine smile of pure innocent joy, letting her see dimples forming on each side of it. “I was so scared that you wouldn’t… I just never want to forget this moment” She whispered, while her right hand softly moved up to stroke the blonde hair around his ear. “Even if I wake up and it is just a dream again, I want to remember this.”
“So, is that why you keep being late to work Detective?” Adam asked, arching an eyebrow, taking her hand in his to kiss her palm.
“Are you really going to give me a lecture now?” She pouted as he softly chuckle shaking his head. He held her gaze for a few seconds before whispering:
“Tu es tout ce que j’aurais pu espérer trouver dans cette vie. Ne change jamais.”