Chapter Text
-
It was 1991, a few weeks into the semester and a nice cool day when they first met. Kahei didn’t know it yet but it was the love of her life who was drowning underneath that jean jacket that was 2 sizes too big for her. She had long chestnut colored hair with a cute fringe, and large wire framed glasses were perched on her sharp nose. Her love was petite but also clumsy and just tripped over herself causing her to drop everything she was carrying.
-
Kahei is wandering around the campus when she hears someone let out a Yelp and then a frustrated groan. She turns to see a small brunette kneeling on the ground, a mess of books and documents surrounding her. The wind picks up for a moment and blows a few loose papers in Kahei’s direction. She picks them up and makes her way to their owner.
“I believe these are yours.” She states while holding out what she gathered.
“Oh.” The girl peers up at her, looks between the papers and Kahei with her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. She lets a couple of seconds pass before finally taking them from her. She voices her thanks as she finally stands up.
“Why do you seem so surprised?” Kahei questions.
The girl adjusts everything to one arm while trying to dust off her pants with the other. “Well people usually just keep walking without a second glance when this happens.” She waves her jean clad arm around them as if to make her point.
Kahei hums in acknowledgement noticing students filtering through the campus with tunnel vision. She turns her attention back and sees the girl struggling to make herself decent. “Here, let me.” She doesn’t let the girl protest before freeing her of the materials.
“Thanks again.” The girl says shyly. A hint of pink creeping onto her cheeks as she attempts to make her appearance less frazzled.
She moves her glasses back up from where they’ve dropped down the bridge of her nose, and fixes her bangs. Being this close Kahei can’t help but notice how pretty she is. Her monolid eyes sparkle in the sunlight, and when she brushes her hair behind her left ear Kahei can see that it has a unique fold at the top. Her skin is absent of any makeup but it still looks impossibly perfect. She has a pure unfiltered beauty that Kahei finds herself admiring.
With one last look over herself the girl speaks up again jostling Kahei from her thoughts.
“Does it still look like I just tripped on air?” She gives a little spin and the older girl can’t help but smile at the cute display.
“Nope, you look great.” She states confidently.
“Thanks...um, this is the third time I’m thanking you and I still don’t even know your name.” The girl lets out a small laugh.
“Wong Kahei.” She extends her free hand. “And you are?”
“Jo Haseul.” She takes Kahei’s hand in her own. “Your hair is amazing by the way, I don’t think I could ever pull something like that off.”
“Thank you, I like to stand out.” Kahei takes her hand back to run it through her pink waves. “So where were you heading with all of this?”
“Sorry, I can take those back. I was just going to drop them off at my professors office.”
“Which would be?”
Haseul tilts her head questioningly. “In the music department.”
“Can I come with you? I transferred here for my last semester and I’m actually trying to get to know the campus better. Plus I could help ease the heavy lifting you had going.” Kahei adjusts the weight in her arms again finally realizing just how much the small girl had been carrying.
Haseul looks taken aback but quickly recovers. “Sure. But I can’t let you carry all that.” She gathers about half of the stack from the other girl's arms. “Come on, it’s this way.”
-
“Why would you want to have lunch with a stranger?”
“I don’t want us to be strangers to each other, Haseul. You seem like someone worth knowing.”
-
If asked why Kahei had wanted to see Haseul again after their first encounter, she wouldn’t know how to answer. She just found herself drawn to the younger girl and wanted to know more about her. Haseul seemed very timid at first but once she started talking about what she was passionate about she became a completely different person. Her eyes lit up and her expressions were more animated, her energy entranced Kahei.
The older girl quickly learned that their friendship was something she didn't want to go without ever again. Haseul was a breath of fresh air compared to the people she knew back home. Somehow between both of their schedules they still managed to find time to see each other.
Haseul lived off campus in an apartment her dad was renting out for her until she graduated, so the girls spent most of their evenings there. When they weren’t catching up on work or studying, Kahei would show Haseul how she pieced together her designs while the latter would show her everything that went into being a good singer.
They’re sitting on the living room floor one afternoon finishing up some assignments, when Haseul interrupts their comfortable silence.
“So what are your plans for winter break?”
Kahei perks up at the question. “I’m glad you brought it up actually. I’m going overseas!” She can’t help the wide smile that adorns her features.
“That’s great Kahei, where is your family going?”
“They’ll be in Hong Kong. It’s just going to be me.” Haseul scrunches her eyebrows in confusion. “I got asked to model for a company in France, I’ll only be there for about a week though. Then I’ll be with my family in time for Christmas.”
“Wow, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you. Although I’ll be sad to see you go, I’ve gotten so used to having you around I don’t know what I’ll do with myself for the month.”
“Are you not going back home?”
Haseul lowers her head and starts picking at a loose thread on her pants.
“I am. But my parents always pester me so much that they manage to make every visit unbearable.” They have never really discussed their families in depth so Haseul’s words and sad tone catch Kahei off guard.
She shifts closer to the younger girl, she lays a hand on top of Haseul’s own to stop her fidgeting and uses the other to lift her chin up. Once she has her undivided attention Kahei drops her hand and speaks again.
“I’m not going to pretend like I know what you've gone through but they’re foolish to expect more than what you are giving now. Haseul, in the short time I’ve known you I’ve been proven time and time again that you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met. You’re driven, selfless, intelligent, and so caring. I could compliment you all day. You’re damn near perfect and nobody should make you feel like you’re anything less than that, especially your parents.”
“Do you really mean that?” Haseul’s voice cracks and Kahei can see her eyes start brimming with tears she's holding back.
“Of course I do. I was right when we first met, you are someone worth knowing.” Her words are laced with nothing but genuine adoration that she hopes her friend can feel.
Haseul doesn’t voice her gratitude, instead she wraps Kahei up in the tightest hug they’ve ever shared. It only takes a moment for Kahei to react and move her own arms around the younger girl. She doesn’t know how much time passes before Haseul finally speaks from where her head is propped up on Kahei’s shoulder.
“I have to tell you something. I don’t know how you’ll react but I can’t let you think I’m perfect when I haven’t been one hundred percent honest about who I am.” She squeezes Kahei one last time before pulling away. The older girl can’t help but wonder why it feels like she’s saying goodbye.
“I-I um,” Haseul takes in a shaky breath and closes her eyes, seemingly willing herself to get it together.
Kahei can see how hesitant she is in revealing this information and speaks on it. “Hey, you don’t have to say anything if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“No. I have to.” Her voice is steadier now as she makes eye contact with Kahei again. “The reason I dread my visits back home is because my parents always try to set me up with some new guy every time. That’s typical though, parents usually try to meddle in their older kids' love lives once they reach adulthood but it’s different with me.” She takes another deep breath. “It’s different because they use it to try to ‘fix me’. They think if they push men on me I’ll just magically stop being bisexual.” She finishes.
“So you like women? That’s your secret?” Kahei makes sure her words don’t come out harshly.
Haseul only nods in response and this time it’s Kahei that initiates the hug.
“You don’t have to be afraid of who you are Haseul. Whether you’re in a relationship with a man or a woman doesn’t affect how I think of you. I’m sorry that your parents feel like they need to change you in any way, but I stand by what I said earlier. You’re an amazing person and I’m glad to call you my best friend. I don’t love you any less because of who you’re attracted to.”
It’s the first time Kahei is telling her friend she loves her but it feels right. She needs to make sure Haseul knows how much she cares for her and that she’s not going anywhere.
-
“I can’t wait until I’m a successful fashion designer. I'll finally settle down with a good guy, get married, and have a kid. Just one though, a girl.”
“You seem to have everything planned out Kahei. Do you already have a name for your future daughter too?”
“Yeojin.”
-
Kahei doesn’t know how she ended up in this situation. Somewhere between their first meeting and now she fell in love with her best friend. If she really thinks about it though she should’ve seen it coming.
Little by little after winter break, she found herself wanting to be physically closer to Haseul. Being separated for a month with not much contact aside from some postcards and a couple of long distance phone calls made her realize just how much she just wanted to be around Haseul. So whether it was linking their arms as they walked around or being curled up together as they watched tv she made sure to not miss any opportunity to attach herself to the younger girl. Luckily Haseul never complained about it.
On top of her new love for skinship, she also started to find every small thing the other girl did endearing. Her expressions as she read, the way she couldn’t help but start dancing along to whatever played on the radio. Even now, as Haseul slurps up noodles obnoxiously and gets sauce all over the edges of her mouth, Kahei can’t help but think she’s the luckiest person in the restaurant.
“We should’ve ordered take out, you’re making a mess.” She leans over the table to dab at the corners of the other girls mouth with a napkin.
Haseul’s cheeks take on a pink hue as she swallows and speaks up. “I could’ve cleaned off my own face you know?” Kahei just shrugs. “Anyways, we’re supposed to eat out today. We have to show everyone how perpetually single we are and complain about how love doesn’t exist.” She says dramatically while clutching her chest.
“This is ridiculous.” Kahei can’t help but laugh around her words.
“Hey, you agreed to come out with me. No one forced you to.” Haseul states pointing her chopsticks at Kahei.
She’s right nobody forced her to, but Kahei has found that she can't say no to Haseul. So when the younger girl asked if she wanted to celebrate ‘Black Day’ with her she agreed without even knowing what it was.
“So you don’t?”
Haseul gives her a confused hum as she chews.
“Believe that love exists I mean?” She elaborates.
“I’d like to think it does but my parents married out of convenience and not love so they didn’t set a great example for me.”
“You never saw potential with anyone?”
Haseul has an unreadable expression on her face when their eyes lock. “I did once, but I couldn’t confess.” Kahei is about to prod further but Haseul doesn’t give her the chance as she quickly changes the subject. “Can we go back to my place? I’m kind of tired of being in all black clothes, plus I have soju waiting for us.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” She quickly agrees, sensing that Haseul doesn’t want to talk about their previous subject anymore.
“Great. Come on.” She stands, holding out her hand. Kahei takes it into her own and laces their fingers together loosely.
It’s moments like these when she lets herself pretend that they’re more than friends. She relishes in how soft Haseul’s hand is and how it seems to fit perfectly in her own. She lets herself enjoy it for the few seconds it takes for them to walk toward Haseul’s car where they inevitably need to relinquish the hold. The whole ride to the apartment Kahei can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to hold the girl’s free hand as she drove too.
As soon as they’re inside the apartment Haseul turns on her stereo and then makes her way to the fridge. She pulls out a bottle of soju and a shot glass for each of them. They finish the first bottle rather quickly with the music still playing softly in the background as their minds grow fuzzy from the alcohol. They don’t really start making conversation until they’re halfway through the second bottle.
Haseul is singing along to a song, some of the words come out a bit slurred but she’s still in perfect pitch, when all of a sudden she stops.
“Kahei.”
Kahei has her eyes closed while leaning her head against the sofa. She groans in protest when she feels the younger girl poke her cheek and hears her call her name again. “Mmngh, what?”
“Look at meeee.”
Kahei reluctantly opens her eyes. The grogginess caused by the alcohol making it harder for her to keep them as wide as she’d like. “Okay, I’m looking.” And she is. Once she lays her gaze on Haseul she feels her senses sober up a bit. Focusing on the glassy brown staring back at her and nothing else.
“Isn’t this nice?”
Kahei nods against the cushion slowly. “It is.”
Haseul moves closer to her, resting her own head just a few inches from Kahei. “I like that I can just be myself around you. I can let loose, let go of all the pressure everyone puts on me, and finally relax you know?”
“Yeah.” Kahei breathes out only noticing now how close Haseul is to her.
She could count the other girl’s eyelashes if she really wanted to, but that’s not what she focuses on. Instead all her senses are overwhelmed by Haseul’s sweet perfume, the way she’s started caressing Kahei’s cheek, and her face inching closer to her own. Before her mind can catch up to what’s happening she feels soft lips against her own and she forgets how to breath for a second.
Haseul is kissing her.
Her hazy thoughts take a second to process what’s going on, but then she’s reciprocating the kiss and wow that’s a new feeling.
This isn’t her first kiss, but it feels like it. It’s something new, and not just because Haseul is a girl. She knows the reasoning has everything to do with the deeper affection she holds for her best friend.
The kiss is gentle, warm, and so full of a tenderness Kahei has never experienced with anyone else. Their lips lazily fitting together with a pressure that’s just too perfect. They move in tandem for what feels like forever before Haseul pulls away. Their breathing is labored and Kahei can feel her heart beating erratically inside her chest.
“Sorry I-“
“Don’t be sorry.” Kahei calms her breathing and finally opens her eyes to see Haseul looking back at her with confusion. “Just don't tell me the soju made you do it.”
She can see Haseul searching for something in her eyes. Kahei hopes she sees how much she wants her. How much she wants Haseul to want her back and how much she wants this to not just be a drunken mistake.
“It didn’t.”
-
“I couldn’t risk losing you so I kept my feelings hidden away.”
“I felt the same way Seul. But now I can’t picture myself with anyone else.”
-
Everything was going perfect for Kahei. Her relationship with Haseul was still in the honeymoon phase. She was about to finish up her last semester of university and she just got offered a paid internship.
There was just one problem.
“I’ll have to travel to New York for the second half of the job.”
They’re in a nice quiet park having a picnic when she tells the news to Haseul.
“Oh.” A beat of silence falls between them. “So what does that mean for us?” Her girlfriend’s question comes out weakly and Kahei’s heart shatters a bit.
“You don’t have to worry about us babe.” She states confidently while firmly grabbing Haseul’s hands in her own. “We’ll be able to spend every day together until I have to leave. And once I do go it’s only for 3 months. We’ll be able to send letters often and I’ll make sure to call whenever I can. I won’t even give you the chance to miss me.”
Haseul scuffs at her last sentence and finally lets a small smile show. Kahei rubs her thumbs against her knuckles comfortingly.
“I love you.” The younger girl holds her gaze and Kahei can’t help but pour her heart out. “I’m so in love with you it scares me sometimes but I would never let you go. This is just a slight bump in the road that’ll bring us closer together I promise.” Kahei raises one of Haseul’s hands to her lips and places a gentle kiss on it.
4 months later
The first half of Kahei’s internship had passed by quickly. Between her workload and spending time with Haseul she barely had the chance to process the fact that she would soon be without her girlfriend. It seemed easier to think about when they were still seeing each other everyday but now that she’s thousands of miles away it hits her.
She had sent her first letter the day after she landed. She wrote about her exhausting flight and how New York City was even more hectic than in the movies. She only had to wait a week to hear back from Haseul and when she finally received a letter back she reread it more times than she can recall.
They write to each other frequently realizing quickly that it was easier than phone calls. Sure they missed each other’s voices but it became too expensive and not as reliable since the signal would be dodgy at best. Plus between their respective jobs and the time difference letters became the obvious better choice.
Kahei couldn’t complain though. She always had something good to look forward to now. There was a simplicity in them that she enjoyed as well. Reading over her lover's words of excitement about her new summer job as a vocal coach, her annoyance at some of her students' parents, or her joy when one of the kids would excel at something she taught them. It warmed her heart and made her fall deeper for Haseul.
She cherished every letter completely except the one she was reading over now.
Dear Kahei,
I know it’s only been two days since I last wrote to you but I needed to let my frustration out. My parents are once again starting to set me up on dates. I know you said you didn’t want me to tell them about us but it’s so infuriating. Thankfully the guy was kind and didn’t seem to be offended when I told him I wasn’t interested.
I wish you were here with me. Better yet I wish we were both back in my old apartment where no one would bother us. I missed being back in Ansan but I really did not miss my parents. At least once the summer is over you’ll be back and we can start our new life together back in Seoul. I can’t wait for that. I miss you so much.
All my love,
Haseul
There’s a foreign sensation in her chest as she reads about what her girlfriend’s parents have done. She’s never met them but she’s heard enough from Haseul to know that she never wants to. She quickly grabs the things she needs and starts writing her response.
After that her days get busier. One of the designers her team was under took interest in her work and decided to give Kahei her own solo project. She stayed up late and woke up early for so many days that it took her a week and a half to notice she never received a new letter from Haseul. As soon as she did though she tried to call to no avail. Panic sets in her chest so she does the only thing she can think of. She writes.
The weeks drag without a single reply to all the letters she’s sent.
At first she didn’t let herself dwell on it too much, she chalked it up to Haseul possibly being just as busy as she was. After the first few letters and some more calls she started getting upset. She had never been angry at Haseul before but it felt like the younger girl just cut her out of her life. But that didn’t make sense since her last letter stated that she missed her. So she continues writing and calling. She leaves multiple messages on her answering machine just begging for an answer. After a while she starts feeling numb. She buries herself in her work to keep from thinking about Haseul. Her hard work is praised by everyone but she just feels empty. She avoids going out. Instead she spends her nights reading over the old letters, crying herself to sleep.
It takes the rest of her time in New York to realize that she can’t keep holding on to Haseul. So with a heavy heart she accepts a job back in Hong Kong instead of the one waiting in Seoul and before leaving she writes one last letter.
It doesn’t beg for a response back like the previous ones. Kahei doesn’t say she misses or loves her even though deep down she knows she always will. She writes a goodbye. She thanks Haseul for the time they spent together and wishes her nothing but happiness before letting go.