Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

As he steps on the last staircase, toward that darkness, he turns his head. His beautiful face shines the brightest, in contrast with his dark outfit, and equally dark void behind him . He knows, he knows, they know. What is waiting inside that void, that darkness, that.. nothingness. Yet, why . His face is content. Like he already predicted this. Like he had done what he has always want to be done. But they’ve done nothing. surely he knows this right? There’s still a lot that they have to do, to make up…  

As their eyes met, the figure on the staircase gives a smile. It’s not a happy smile, it’s not a sad one too. But it’s a smile. A smile that said it’s okay.

It’s not okay, god fucking damnit!!! He wants to scream, but he can’t. Not because he’s hurting all over, not because his body is laid on the cold floor, not because his throat his dry. But because he’s afraid… afraid that even if he shouts with all his might, on top of his lungs… all of that will not amount to anything. It will change nothing. 

He wants to laugh, to mock himself. If his shouts can even change anything at all, this will not happen. He did not need to throw himself in front of him. He will not be pierced in the heart, and he definitely did not have to sacrifice himself, for the sake of the world.. and the most hurting of all, for his sake.

He turns around again. Back against him. Hand in hand with silhouette next in him, together, they tread towards the darkness. Just like that. Leaving him alone, cold. 

Something’s clattering, rolling on the floor, down from the stairs, the last place he saw him . It’s a bright amber bead, with silver metal attachment that used to bind the bead to a black cord, forming a pendant, which now cannot be seen. His hand reach the bead, he remembers it. He used to hate it. How important that bead was for him , how he always treasure this bead.. like it is something so very precious, like it was his reason for being. Even after all they’ve both been through, though not as fixated, he can still see him cherish the bead that he wore close, around his neck. The pendant, the bead, seems to have cracked. It looked strange, like it’s not cracked because it’s broken, or something. Like it was meant to be that way, like it meant for him to look at it.

Turns out it’s not like it shatters, but cracked open. Revealing something that seems to be sealed there. So the thing inside is protected, and save for eternity as long as it is inside the bead. His thumb caress the bead. He can’t take it anymore. As he stares the bead, eyes widen at the realization of whatever concealed and protected inside those amber round layers. His tears falls. He can’t believe it. What the hell.. that idiot, stupid, evil bastard . Even after… His mind didn’t want to finish his thought. Even after leaving him like that, he ’s still able to surprise him. To make him long for those kindness, to wonder exactly how he even deserve such devotion. 

His eyes reddens, gripping tight the bead in his fist, pressing it to his chest, to his heart. He grits his teeth, so hard that his teeth could break. He lets out a silent cry, he feels nothing except the cold, hard floor beneath him, iron taste of his blood in his mouth, and his aching heart that feels empty. Empty without him in it.

* * *

He lays almost motionless on the street full of grovel that prick his leg if only he can feel it. His back leans to the wall of an old wooden building. Typical building that you can see everywhere in Dixing. He didn’t know where exactly he was, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to care, and he definitely didn’t have any energy left to care for anything. Nothing fazes him anymore, not even a huge tremor that occurs every now and then, getting bigger and bigger as time passes.

His hands gripping the guardian lantern, pressing it to his body. He coughs. His mind wanders to remember the words of his father, about the guardian lantern. What it takes to lit it up, to make balance between two worlds. It is something that has to be done, one way or another. Someone’s gotta do it. And honestly, he didn’t mind, especially now.

He huffs out a small laugh. He definitely will laugh like some lunatic if not for his body refusing to listen to his brain. He laughs, as he remembers him . He finally understood. Understood how it feels. It should be scary, to be someone so.. selfless. To be.. a sacrifice. Every human wants to live. But even after thinking of all weird things about his life, and maybe the possibility of a future, he didn’t feel anything, not even fear.

He just feels content .

He wants to laugh for the irony of what he’s feeling right now.

Yes, just like him . He who leaves abruptly only leaving him of a memory of his content smile. 

Yes.

It’s Okay

He smiles, ready to offer his life force to lit up the Guardian Lantern. As his life force is sucked into the guardian lantern, his memory of his life of 31 years flashes upon him. His memory of his mother. His memory of him hugging his father. His memory with his team member, his family. And the most of it all, the most important from all of them, the very little - too little - memory of the time he spent with him . He smirks. He hopes with this, all of this will be over.

Maybe after this, he gets to meet him again. He didn’t want to hope, but he just imagines it. He swears , if he ever meet him again, he’ll punch him first and foremost. He needs to know, he can’t just do whatever he wanted to do just because he can.

His smirks eventually fade away, as much as his consciousness. With his eyes finally closed, the Guardian Lantern lit-up, covering the whole Dixing with blinding light. 

* * *

He opens his eyes. No, not exactly. He didn’t feel like he opened them. But he does start to be aware of his surrounding. He sees something, yet he didn’t feel like he truly see from his eyes. It’s like, he didn’t really uses his five senses. It’s a weird feeling, at the same time, it’s not. After deciding that it’s pointless to ponder or even worry such thing, he assess his surrounding.

He’s at, some… place? that looks like some kind of space, void. He can’t truly grasp what it is. He stands there, yet again, he didn’t. He’s like floating, yet he didn’t. He sighs, just thinking about makes his head ache, if he can get a headache. What a weirdly funny situation. Maybe it is normal for someone who offers his life force to the lantern? Will he spent his eternity like this?

As he wonders how great would it be to at least have some booze, he spot something other than him. He tries to focus, and it seems that something is someone . This someone had his back against him, and he recognize it. That back. His back.

The person he swears to punch the first thing he does if he were to meet again. The person who makes him miserable without him. The person that is unable to left his mind, constantly appearing and reminding him of his existence. The person who stir his heart so much, who make his heart felt full, but at second notice makes his heart more empty than before he fills it. The man who is so selfless yet selfish at the same time. An idiot, stupid, reckless, strong yet fragile and delicate person. The person whom he hate so much, and care so much. The person who cares for him unconditionally, who gives him everything he never know needed or wanted. His most cherished person. His.

He steps forward, trying to get closer. Oh, seems like it work .

As he steps closer, that person didn't turn around. "You're here" he said.

It sound.. sad. Like he 's been waiting for him for eternity. Like he always does, up until now. He always make him wait, didn't he.

"Are you leaving," His throat feels stricken. It hurts as he said that. It’s not a question, because it isn’t. He’s just.. stating the obvious. He didn't want to say that, honestly. But he needed to say it. They need closure, however much it hurts. He fucking hate this situation. 

“Every life will die out” He pauses, his voice shaky. Like it’s hard just to say those lines. Like he didn’t want to, but he has to. “But at least, our choice is a meaningful one”

A meaningful one. Of course . He wants to curse.

He finally turn his body. He looks.. better - if being here is even a good thing. At least, he’s not covered with blood from head to toe. Yet.. He wears a face he’d never seen before. a face full of sadness. His eyes is red and glassy, not even his thin rimmed glasses can conceal it. 

Even now you still hold back..

“lets bet,” He said. 

What an absurd idea. It’s not a word he ever imagined came out from his mouth. He huffed, and smirks. Why not have some humor while we’re at it..

“Bet what,” He answers.

“Bet,” He took a step forward.

“No matter how long it takes,” and more steps, closer.

“No matter where we go,” There’s almost no distance between them, still it felt so far .

“There will be a day, when we’ll meet again,” 

He froze. of all the time they spent together, all those danger, all those thrill and excitement, all those mysteries and secrets, all those doubt, and disappointment, and after that, the truth, and all those feelings contained within. Never once, he heard him talk like this.

Yes, He ’s been angry. Yes, he ’s been naggy and demanding - in good ways. Yes, he ’s been asking for permission, forgiveness and all that, He ’s been desperate, asking a request, almost pleading, begging. Yet , this , is different. It’s more than just a bet. More than just words to humor him. 

It’s him getting loose . It’s him letting all of it go. It’s him , finally decided not to hold back anymore. 

This bet, is a promise, a prayer, a bond. So this won’t be the end.  So they can meet again, and they will . 

That sounds nice.

“Deal” 

And there it is. The biggest smile He’s ever seen from him. Like that one word is the greatest news he ’s ever heard in a lifetime. Like that one word is all he ever needed to hold on. So he could continue to move forward. To wait for him again. Oh how much he prays so it would happen. 

And then there’s a sudden burst of light, covering everything and anything else.

He immediately reaches for the man in front of him.

“Shen W-!!” 

He couldn’t finish his word. Like his word is swallowed by the light.. And he also failed to reach him . The light has separated both of them, as it grew bigger and bigger, surrounding everything, and wrap his whole body. It gets brighter and brighter, blinding, until he could see nothing.

Shit, i didn’t even get to punch him yet . He grumbles.

But then he wears a mischievous smile. Well at least, they had their bet. One thing he’s very sure is, He is so gonna win this. 

Just you wait .

Chapter Text

It felt like he was shoved into a washing machine. Like he was deconstructed then constructed again. Like he were torn apart then assembled again. Or like when you ride those absurd rollercoaster, it went up and down, up and down again, hundreds of times.

It’s nauseating. He wants to puke. 

And then there’s a sudden pain. A headache. Over the time the pain get bigger and bigger. He wanted to scream, but the only thing he notices is darkness. Just when he start noticing the darkness, there’s a sudden change of temperature. It gets cold, very cold. And then it gets hotter and hotter, until it became unbearable. He wants to squirm. He want to escape from this heat. He wants to to wake up.

I want to wake up. I need to wake up.

It’s hot, dammit. Is there no air conditioner or something. It’s…

“IT’S FUCKING HOT GODDAMNIT!!!”

Zhao Yunlan opened his eyes, a bit startled that he actually can do it. It seems like he’s sitting on something. No, he lay on something, but then wake up in this position. Before he could make out his surrounding - because all he could see from his eyes are blur, like when he first opened his eyes after his blindness - He winces in pain, and shut his eyes. His hand grabbed his head, it’s painful. Like his head had been banged onto the wall.

“Where are you hurt? Are you okay?”

Then Zhao Yunlan’s eyes snap open, What the hell?

Zhao Yunlan lift his head, he just realized he was surrounded… by…

“Hello? Earth to Lao Zhao?” The young man who speaks wave his hand right in  front of Zhao Yunlan’s face.

Da Qing ..? His eyes wonders to the others who seems present.

“Lao Zhao, what’s wrong?” The woman seems very worried.

Zhu Hong .

And then there’s… Lin Jing, god knows whi he's covered in soots. Wang Zheng, as pretty and pale as ever. And.. He turns his head to the left, there’s a whimpering boy by his side, seems to be ready to cry at anytime.

“Xiao-Guo?” His own voice sounds weird. His throat felt dry.

The boy who’s addressed seems to be a bit startled, and then he immediately stands up straight, and yells “Gu-Guo Changcheng, S-sir! Here rep-reporting to be transferred as a.. new member of the S-SID! SIr! V-very nice t-to meet you!” And then He bows ninety-degrees. 

What?

His voice didn’t came out, he felt pain in his head again, and then squeezes his head. Damn this headache .

His sudden move alerts his teammate. 

“Lao-Zhao! does your head hurt?”

He wants to blurt You think?!

He ask “What happened?” instead.

The others look at each other, and then Zhu Hong speak out.

“You.. you blacked out. You fainted. In front of the office. The..” Zhu Hong stares at Guo Changcheng, who seemed terrified. “The new kid said he met you at the front, and just as you got off your bike, you just fainted, like that. With no warning”

Zhao Yunlan frowns.

“Yeah, Lao Zhao! You scare the hell out of us! Poor kid, he cries right in front of the office calling for help, looking at you. Xiao Guo, is it? You gave him nickname already? You close with him or something?” Da Qing is as chatty as ever.

“N..N-No! I j-just met.. T-the Chief.. today, j-just now. I-i’m not even able t-to introduce m-myself pr-properly” The poor kid trembles.

“Anyway! You okay, Lao Zhao? Did your head hurt? You hit your head when you fall down afterall. You need to go to the hospital?”

“Why did you even faint, Zhao Yunlan?”

The other seems to be having the same question.

But Zhao Yunlan didn’t answer. He didn’t seem to even listening to any of them. He just stares blankly. His head is spinning, not because of his headache, but all those thing his subordinate said.

I.. fainted? and.. no one knew Xiao Guo? Where’s Sang Zan? He’s never inches apart from Wang Zheng. Introduction? what.. where.. whe-

He lift his head. No fucking way. He grabs Da Qing Shoulder, the young man winces, Yunlan’s grip is strong. “Fat Fu-No, Da Qing.. Tell me, what.. day is today? The date? When is this?”

Da Qing just stare him like he’s some kind of lunatic. “Lao-”

“WHEN?!”

Da Qing shouts the date reflexly to his master’s shout. And then Zhao Yunlan's grip on him loosened.

Could… could it be..? Is.. that even possible? But he’s here. Right here . 

And then he remembers him. 

Shen Wei

As he reaches his phone, he notices Xiao Guo again. This is the day he arrived at SID. And then tomorrow is his first case. The case…

“Shit!” Zhao Yunlan abruptly stands up, again alerts everyone. His head is still throbbing, but it is better than before. No, this situation is more than better . it could be, it should . But he needs to move fast.

“Lin Jing! Da Qing! and you, Xiao Guo! Follow me to Dragon University! Wang Zheng, you call Lao-Chu and i don’t care how but he had to hurry go to the University, Now!” Zhao Yunlan command his team, and he didn't even bat them another eye as he runs outside, hurrying to his car. Thank God at least his team is fast in responding, Lin Jing hurries runs into his lab, grabbing his tools and went outside. Da Qing Immediately Follows Zhao Yunlan, and Xiao Guo, although overwhelmed, still follows the order and quickly runs following Da Qing. 

“Hey Chief, what wrong with the University? Is it connected to you fainting?” Da Qing Ask as they got into the red Hummer. Zhao Yunlan would love to blast to the University himself with his bike, but with his condition having Lin Jing drive seems to be the better option. When Lin Jing climbs up, he also throws him a questioning look.

“We’re going shadow hunting, and stop some murder”

“a what?!” All three is shocked. 

“You’ll understand later, we’ve got no time, hit the gas, Lin Jing!”

Before Lin Jing pushes his leg, Zhu Hong opens the passenger door and crammed herself besides Da Qing and Xiao Guo. “What the hell?” Da Qing protest.

“I’m coming with you, no matter what. Who knows if you’re going to faint again”

Zhao Yunlan didn’t say anything. The truth is, he felt like it’s unlikely for him to faint again. But Zhu Hong wanting to be in the field by herself is a welcome of course.

“Drive like your whole salary depends on it, Lin Jing” Zhao Yunlan gives a dark glare to Lin Jing.

Lin Jing don't need to be reminded twice.

* * *

Not long after, with Lin Jing's madness driving with his salary on the line, they arrived in DCU's campus, on science department's wing. Zhao Yunlan waste no time and run To the biology department. To the place where it happened. Will happen.

No, i'll stop it.

And then he arrived there. On the clearing, the yard right in front of biology building. There's no one there. Nothing. It's so quiet. 

He can hear his subordinates running towards him, running out of breath. "Hey chief- i know it's urgent- but- slow down will ya?" Da Qing is in his cat form, sprawling flat on the grass, tired. 

"Where is this anyway? And what happened?"

"It seems quiet"

Zhao Yunlan frowns. His team really didn't know any better to shut their mouth. And then Zhao Yunlan quickly reaches his vibrating phone. Lao-Chu. Thank the gods.

"Lao Chu! Where are you? Did you arrive first?" 

He can hear Lao-Chu's grumbles, but he answers anyway.

" Yeah, thanks to you, i arrived here about 15 minutes ago. When i arrived here, there are two girls, students, trembling and sitting on the edge of the flowerbed " Chu lets out a dissatisfied scowl. Even if they are the victim, Chu hates everything that is terrified or afraid of something. 

" And then they ramble about some kind of Shadow figure. They said the shadow tried to attack one of them. And she runs, when she bumps to the other student. When they both about to be attacked, there seems to be another shadow figure, more sinister, they said. Holding some kind of weapon. And both fight each other, before the first shadow run away, and the latter chase it. I followed the direction they told me the shadows went, but i only stumble to a professor who seems to crash into the shadow too. At this point i lost the shadow, both of them. I can't feel any dark energy anymore ."

Zhao Yunlan listens carefully to Chu's explanation. His heart is beating fast, racing. His palm is sweating and shaking. his body trembling. 

It’s him. He got there first. He knows.

“A..Ah! It’s okay, Lao-Chu. You’ve done great. Where.. where are you right now?”

Chu Shuzhi, on the other line, frowns. Did the chief actually just praise him? like, genuinely so? But he dismiss that thought immediately. The SID’s Chief is always weird, and this is probably one of those days. He answers Zhao Yunlan’s question.

“ We’re inside the building. There’s a lounge here, some tables and sofas. From your place, go -”

Before Chu Shuzhi finishes his word, Yunlan already hangs up. He didn’t need any direction. He knows the place too well. He’s been here so many times that he knows it like the back of his hand. With no further delay Zhao Yunlan rushes inside the building. 

If you enter the building from the main door, you’ll meet some receptionist in the main hall. In front of the receptionist table, there’s some couch and tables where you can sit and wait, or do other things. Zhao Yunlan know it too well.

As he arrived there, he could see Chu Shuzhi, too recognizable with his all-black outfit and grim face. And then there are two students sitting on the couch, close to each other. Zhao Yunlan walks closer, the others right behind him. Again, out of breath. When he got closer, Chu gives an approving nod, Zhao Yunlan does the same. He looks at the two students. 

The other is Li Qian, he knew her well, too. She seems terrified, and clutching something under her shirt, around her neck. But otherwise fine. The other, a bit different than the one Zhao Yunlan knew, but Zhao Yunlan don’t need to remember to know who she is. Lu Ruomei. A living, breathing Lu Ruomei.

But there’s one missing person. The person Zhao Yunlan needs to fucking see right damn now. “Where’s the professor?” He didn't even try to make his tone even and calm. He just can't. He can worry about questions later. 

“Ah.. said he’d go to his office to fetch some kit, for the student” And Zhao Yunlan can see some bruises and scrapes on both the girls’ palm and knees. 

Zhao Yunlan gives him a look. “I already forbid him. He… is insistent” Chu Shuzhi scowls. He knows better not to let anyone out of sight, but he didn’t want to admit that he seems to not able to force The Professor to stay, and he hates to admit it.

But Zhao Yunlan didn’t say anything to him, instead he said “Zhu Hong, you calm the both of them, and maybe take some testimony if they’re ready. Make sure they’re okay” And then quickly move his body.

Zhu Hong wants to protest “And what about you, where do you want to go?”

Zhao Yunlan didn’t turn around. “I’mma beat some sense to an idiot” and then runs into the hallway. 

“Wait, what do you mean? Hey, Zhao Yunlan!” But Zhao Yunlan didn’t stop.

“Newbie, you heard what the chief said! Do it, i’ll follow him!” And Zhu Hong chase after Zhao Yunlan, followed by Da Qing who’s also worried and confused, and then Lin Jing who seems more interested on the mystery of his boss' behaviour rather than worry. So, Xiao Guo is left with two terrified girls and one very scary person in black.

Guo Chang Cheng looks carefully at Chu Shuzhi, he’s very afraid of the other person who seems to be angry. “M-my n-name is Guo Ch-changcheng! N-n-nice t-to meet you, Sir! I-I’m a new member of the SID!” again, he bows a perfect ninety-degrees. Only to receive Lao Chu’s terrifying glare.

Guo Changcheng gulps. He’s very scared and didn’t know what to do. He’d also love to faint right now.

* * *

Zhao Yunlan run and run, he didn’t stop until he arrives at the hall full of offices, and stops at one of the many door in the hallway. A door that he used to knock all the time. His office door. Zhao Yunlan take a deep breath, calming his breathing, and his racing heart. Then, without even knocking, he slams the door open.

* * *

There he is. In his usual get up. A clean, white shirt. Topped with a dark trouser, and a checkered blue vest. Of course, there’s the garter too. And his glasses.

When he heard the door slammed, he quickly turn his whole body. And now, they’re facing each other. Zhao Yunlan can see him clearly. He, too, can see Zhao Yunlan Clearly. Zhao Yunlan looked at him in the eyes. He can see him, see Shen Wei’s expression. The easiest way to tell what Shen Wei’s thinking is by looking at his eyes. It took him quite some time, but now he can tell if Shen Wei is to hide something.

And right now, from Shen Wei’s eyes, Zhao yunlan can see that he’s surprised, and then there’s delight and happiness. But more than that, he’s just startled. Like he’d been caught doing something wrong. Just like that time, when He caught Shen Wei cuts his own wrist to heal his eyes. Or that time when Zhao Yunlan caught him on the lab where he hides Tan Xiao. And many other times. That same look.

When he’s caught doing something in secret, but still wants to hide it.

fucking hell .

When they’re staring on each other, the other have caught up. Zhu Hong popped in front of the door, Da Qing and Lin Jing behind her. “Zhao Yunlan, what is wrong with you? Can you stop running and left us at least once?”

But Zhao Yunlan can’t hear her. After seeing Shen Wei, His head felt light immediately. The Headache, the nausea is gone completely. He didn’t feel queasy at all, and feels refreshed instead. But after seeing his expression, what’s left inside him is anger. He’s angry at Shen Wei.

“Zhao Yunlan?” Zhu Hong's voice contains concern in it.

Zhao Yunlan didn’t mind her at all. He doesn't care about anything else but the idiotic man in front of him. Without warning, he steps towards Shen Wei, and when he’s close enough, He punches Shen Wei right in the face, hard. 

* * *  

Shen Wei, clearly unprepared - Some of it because his body is as affected as Zhao Yunlan after what they've experienced, most of it because he's both startled and relaxed in the presence of Zhao Yunlan - Stumbles and fall to the side by the result of Zhao Yunlan's punch. But he didn't even try to resist it, and let his body fall, slumped and sitted on his office's floor. 

Zhao Yunlan, didn't waste anytime, hunch down and grabs Shen Wei's shirt by the collar, and tug it hard. Pulling Shen Wei's face closer to him. 

"What the hell's with that face, Ha?!" Shen Wei gives an expression of confusion.

"Don't you dare play dumb, Shen Wei. What, you think i can't read your face behind those mask you put on yourself?! you surprised i'm here, barge into your office? Why did you make that kind of face? Why did you feel guilty? What did you do before i arrived here?!"

" I … It's.." Shen Wei's face grow darker. He ducked his head down, knowing Zhao Yunlan can read his expression. That ticks Zhao Yunlan.

"You..!" Zhao Yunlan jerks the collar again, lifting it a bit, forcing Shen Wei to raise his head.

"Zhao Yunlan, stop it! What's gotten into you?!" Zhu Hong grabs the man's shoulder.

Zhao Yunlan face their subordinate, but still caging Shen Wei and didn't loosen his grip on the other's shirt. "What do you think i'm doing?!" He bellows, sounding like what he's doing is obvious.

But the he sees Zhu Hong's worried face, Lin Jing's questioning face, and Da Qing who gives him a look that said ' You're being crazy right now'. To that, Zhao Yunlan have to admit what he's doing is absurd, at least, in front of his team. He glances at Shen Wei, who still didn't say anything. 

"Zhu Hong," He finally said. "Get the kit that the professor had prepared. Take it to the kids and mend their wounds. Do what i've told you before" He glares a bit to Zhu Hong, stating his disapprovement of them not doing what had been told. 

"But…" Zhu Hong wants to protest. She glances at Shen Wei, disliking him as the reason of Zhao Yunlan's odd behaviour. 

"Don't make me repeat myself, Zhu Hong. Da Qing, do your job as the deputy. Be still until i got back. That means you too, Lin Jing. It won't be long" 

"What will you do, Lao Zhao?" Da Qing is still skeptical, seeing that his master is still grabbing the professor's collar as he gives out order. 

"I need to talk to him, alone"

Da Qing is still skeptical.

Zhao Yunlan just gave him a look.

Da Qing glances at the Professor whose name is supposed to be Shen Wei, if he heard it right.To Zhao Yunlan surprise, Shen Wei nods, and say "We're just going to talk" Da Qing sigh, and gives up. Suit yourself, then .

"Let's go, hong-jie. No one's going to convince Lao-Zhao when he's being like this". Zhu Hong snorts, she turns her body with anger, and stomps out of the office without saying anything else. "Lin Jing, you go get the kit" Da Qing told him. "Why Me?!" "Cuz' i'm the godly cat yashou, duh ! And i'm the deputy," And Da Qing gets out of the office too, arms folded on the back of his head, whistling. Lin Jing grumbles, takes the kit, and storms out of the office too. At least he didn't forget to close the door.

* * * 

After the door closes, Zhao Yunlan turns his whole attention back to Shen Wei. Anger is still clearly seen on his face. "Let's get back to business, shall we, dear professor?"

"Zhao Yunlan.." Shen Wei gives a weak plead.

"Don't 'Zhao Yunlan' me, Shen Wei!" He pushes Shen Wei, slamming him to the wooden desk behind him. 

"How dare you Shen Wei," Zhao Yunlan's grip gets stronger, until his palm and finger's all red. 

"How dare you did all of that, Shen Wei! You think you can do as you wish just because you can? You think it's fine to just throw your life away just because you felt like it? Did anyone told you to fucking sacrifice yourself?! You think you blowing yourself up along with Ye Zun gonna solve all the problem?! tell you what, Shen Wei! it didn't! Dixing was still collapsing! You just did whatever the hell you wanted and left without solving any goddamn thing! You're just being selfish!"

Shen Wei is shaken by Zhao Yunlan's words, his lip trembles. But Zhao Yunlan didn't care. He knows what he's doing is cruel. He knows that Shen Wei didn’t have much choice at the time, but he didn't care. Shen Wei need to understand . He needs to know . And the only way to do it is to be cruel, however much it hurts Zhao Yunlan to do so. 

"How can you not tell us anything, Shen Wei? Tell Me?? How can you do this to me? You just told me it's okay on and on again. You just told me that what you're doing is for a purpose. You just told me that it should not concern me, But you never even had the slightest bit of intention to tell me the truth, didn't you? You're just being round-about in your answer. Have you ever think to ask me about my opinion? Have you ever think about how i'd have felt? You never think about how i'd have felt by you doing such things?"

"Zhao Yunla-"

"-Stop it! I don't want to hear anymore of your lies, Shen Wei. Stop with the bullshit. You just never care about me at all aren't you? You just cared for yourself! You never considered my feelings! And what's with the face you're making before? What did you do, Shen Wei? What have you done? Hah.. hahah! i should have know it."

"Zhao Yunlan, I'm.."

"No need to trouble yourself, Shen Wei. I know you're just going to dodge my question. You must have planned something behind my back again, haven't you? You're just going to keep it to yourself. You must have decided to do everything by yourself, again . Why, Shen Wei? I don't even care about your reason to do these things. I just want you to tell me why did you decide to hide this from me, after all we've-"

"-I'm scared , Zhao Yunlan!!" Shen Wei shouts. His hands trembling, half gripping-and rested- on Zhao Yunlan's shoulder. Zhao Yunlan stops his words. He sees Shen Wei's eyes that's now red and teary, a bead of tears threatening to fall from the corner of his eyes.

Shen Wei looks at him in the eyes. His face is sad, his brows creased, lips trembling.

"I.. I'm afraid." Shen Wei let's out a weak sound. 

"I know, back then , what i'm doing is selfish. That i should have think of a better plan to put an end it. But at that time, i have no other choices. The things that i did, i.. however much i know it’s wrong.. i think it’s the best course of action”

“The Best,Shen Wei? Blowing yourself up, hiding things, doing everything yourself is the best?! Have you forgotten Tan Xiao and Zheng Yi? Did you forget what happened at the Wedding, have you forgotten my words? You still think what you did is the BEST?!”

“YES!!” Shen Wei Screamed. “That was the best plan i could make in a short time that we have! I don’t care if i blow myself up, as long as i can make Ye Zun stop hurting other people, stop hurting himself, stop hurting you ” Shen Wei’s eyes getting redder. The eyes that looked at Zhao Yunlan is getting darker, like it’s losing focus.

“You could have told me, Shen Wei. anything. We could search for other ways, better ways, together. Did you not trust me? Did you ever trust me, at all? ”  

Shen Wei looked so hurt and broken. He wants to say something, but instead he ducked his head down again. Zhao Yunlan waits. Shen Wei’s grip on his shoulder loosened, and then it gets hard again, as Shen Wei lift his head.

“I’ve lost you once.. I can’t-i can’t lose you anymore. Not you..” Shen Wei’s thumb caressing Zhao Yunlan’s shoulder. His voice trembles, it sound sad, desperate and broken. “By integrating light energy that i got from healing you, with my dark energy, i could make a disruption big enough to cause explosion of energy. I maintain it not to go off until it’s time by regulating the flow of the energies, like.. what you’ve seen” of me cutting my wrist . “I calculate the energy explosion from my dark power big enough to… stop Ye Zun. I thought i could be fast enough, to do it, before there is any major irreparable damage done. I thought.. it would be enough. To end this battle, this war.. this.. farce once and for all. So everyone can live peacefully as they should be” Shen Wei let out a strained breath. He inhales again, but having a hard time doing it while maintaining his composure.

“But as you’ve said, i’m wrong. My selfish decision did not make the situation any better. Ye Zun’s damage is already too big even before i stop him. Even after i provoke him to speed up the process, it’s futile. The damage, the hallows… it’s disruptive power so strong it cause imbalance in Dixing. And i.. i left you alone to handle all of that. To make you sacrifice yourself for the guardian lantern to keep the balance in Dixing to stop it from collapsing. In the end.. After all i did, i can’t stop you getting hurt..”

“That’s why i’m scared, Zhao Yunlan. I- I’m terrified . I’ve lost you, i’ve failed. When we.. when I realized what happened after all that. After i found myself back here , I get even more scared. What if i were to fail again? What if the same thing were to happen again? What if i can’t do anything to change what would happen? At the thought of that i..”

“I’m scared to even meet you. I don’t know whether you’ll remember or not. But fail or not.. i think it would be better if you never know me. Maybe… maybe if we never met, you d-”

Shen Wei’s word is cut by Zhao Yunlan who pull him in for a hug. Their position is awkward, and it’s not even a proper hug. But let’s make do with this. Think Zhao Yunlan.

“Shen Wei, ah , Shen Wei,” He said as he caress and pats Shen Wei’s back.

“Do you truly think that I, Zhao Yunlan, Chief of SID, is incapable to realize the true identity of Black Cloak Envoy?”

“I-” would have done better in hiding myself . Shen Wei wants to protest, but he was cut by Zhao Yunlan again.

“I would always find you, Shen Wei. No matter what happens, i will find Black Cloak Envoy Identity, again. And for a quick note, i would never ignore a beauty like you” Zhao Yunlan chuckles over Shen Wei’s shoulder. 

“No matter how you hide yourself, i’ll find you again, Shen Wei. We will meet again. Cause i’ve promised ” Zhao Yunlan get back a little, breaking from their awkward embrace. He smiles, and then reaches for Shen Wei’s hands, and clasp it with his own hands.

“I don’t know why, and how, we end up being here again, in this time. i don’t know who did it and the reason why that person did it. But what i do know, is we’ve got another chance. We can make a better outcome out of all of this. We’ve failed, yes. But we can try again,now. We know what we’ve done wrong, and we can fix it. But it can never be done alone, Shen Wei. Not you by yourself, or me by myself. We can work together. We have to. Me, You, The SID, all of our friends. We’ll make it work, Shen Wei. We Will” Zhao yunlan caress the hands that’s in his.

“ Xiao Wei ,”

Shen Wei’s body tensed up hearing the pet name, but relaxed in a matter of split second

“Do you trust me?”

“With my life,” the answer came without hesitation.

Zhao Yunlan huffed a small laughter. “Me too, Shen Wei”

He then stands up, pulling Shen Wei by the hands, to do the same. and now they’re standing close in front of each other. Zhao yunlan’s hand still holding Shen Wei’s.“You saved Lu Ruomei. And as far as i see, she’s still alive, and it’s way better outcome than before. Don’t say you can’t change anything. And if you say you trust me, then trust me when i said we can make everything better. Okay?”

Shen Wei nods, with determination, and relieve this time.

“Com’ere, you!” Shen Wei felt a sharp tug, and the next thing he knows, He’s in Zhao Yunlan’s embrace, being hug tight by the other man, with hands on his back, one from his wrist and the other from over his left shoulder. Shen Wei is startled, and the he heard Zhao Yunlan huffs and sigh, like holding something. And then his shoulder gets tense, and relaxes.

And then, Shen Wei did the same. He hugs Zhao Yunlan back, at first soft and tender, before tightening his hug. He’s alive, Zhao Yunlan’s alive. And they’re together again. They can make everything better. And oh.. how much Shen Wei wants to do this. Shen Wei rest his head on Zhao Yunlan’s shoulder, like Zhao Yunlan on his. He took a deep breath, and lets it out. His tears falling, containing all the feelings he’s held for a long, long time. All the feelings he never get the chance to say, he finally let it out. 

“ahah! Finally, i can do this. You don’t know how much it irks me when i can’t even do so far to hug you the last time we met” Zhao Yunlan chuckles, but it can’t hide the fact that his tears are also falling. 

“Damn you.. Shen Wei” Zhao Yunlan muffles his face in the crook of Shen Wei’s nape, wiping his tears with Shen Wei’s shirt. “If you ever did those things again, i’ll make sure to drag you from hell by myself, even if i have to face the king of hell” 

Shen Wei huffed. A good sign for Zhao Yunlan, meaning that he’s relaxed enough to respond to Yunlan’s joke. And then they stay like that for quite a while. 

* * *

After awhile, the two finally move let go of each other, with  reluctances. No longer hugging each other tight, but they still have arms onto each other. Shen Wei hands is rested on Zhao Yunlan’s shoulder, and the other mans is creeping under his elbows. They look into each other's eyes. Eyes deep, dark, and full of wants, but in it there’s uncertainty. it feels right yet so awkward. 

Even the infamously shameless Zhao Yunlan find his body stiff and didn’t know what to do. When Shen Wei tilt his head closer, Zhao Yunlan jerks a little, and he curse to himself inside his heart after seeing Shen Wei backs his head. “I- Sor-”

“No! I’m sorry, Shen Wei. It’s not- I’m just- nervous. I don’t-” Zhao Yunlan sigh.. he can’t find his words. To his surprise, Shen Wei smiles. “Me too”

Seriously, Shen Wei. You’re too good of a man for me. Instead saying this aloud, Zhao Yunlan pick one of his hand up and hold Shen Wei in the back of his neck, pulling them closer again. Their forehead touches. 

“When-” Zhao Yunlan starts. trying to find a good word to say, “When all of this is over,” then he stops. He had a lot to say, but his mind is blank.

“When all of this is over” Shen Wei answers. He gives a bit of weight on his forehead, and that weight gives reassurance to Zhao Yunlan. He didn’t have to say anything, and Shen Wei understands. He always do.

After all they’ve been through, there’s a lot to do, a lot to say. Not only the world itself, their relationship, their feelings, there’s a bunch to be sorted out. Now that they have each other again. But of course it’s not easy for either of them. For Shen Wei who’s always hiding and lying even to himself, for Zhao Yunlan who finally knows the reason of it all. Now that they’re in front of each other. The words they wanted to say, the feelings they wanted to convey, it’s hard to let it out. To show it to the other person. But it can wait for later. There’s time. and if they succeed in whatever they’re planning next, there will be plenty of time after that. There’s no rush. They’re together now, and they have each other. That’s all that matters. For now, they need to focus on saving the world.

  After Shen Wei said that, they finally let go of each other. “Shen Wei, let me say this one more time”

“You don’t have to do anything on your own. Or even if you insist, i’ll make sure you can’t even do that, understand? All of the SID, together, we’ll be with you. And we’ll definitely succeed this time, okay?”

Shen Wei nods. “I understand, Zhao Yunlan. Thank You,”

Zhao Yunlan gives a big grin, before draping his arm around Shen Wei’s shoulder like he used to when he wants to drag the other man around. “Shen Wei ah, We’re the one who should thank you. There’s no force mightier than our beloved Black Cloaked Envoy afterall” Shen Wei blushes to those words and Zhao Yunlan laughs.