Archive of Our Own ^beta

I wish you would tell me, how you really feel

But you'll never tell me, cause that's not our deal

Everyone loves Felix. It’s a fact.

He is like a goddamn sunshine in your pocket, showering you with gentle glances and bright smiles, making your insides bubble with a pleasant feeling of comfort in your chest.

Felix is kind, too kind and too soft for this cruel world, it seems. He is selfless, and compassionate, and sometimes it feels like the boy doesn’t even know the existence of the word 'no'.

Felix is also stupidly beautiful. With his bleached bangs falling over his eyes, and his full, oddly perfectly shaped lips, which attract your attention no matter how hard you try to ignore them.

So, you got the point. Lee Felix is probably the most lovable, gentle and kind person you will ever meet in your life.

But Seo Changbin is not.

He is lost, and insecure, and radiates the ambience of gloominess everywhere he goes. Changbin rarely gives out his smiles, hiding behind his cold and stern gazes. He seems confident, but distant most of the time, intimidating and fierce. Yet, in the core of his heart, Changbin knows that he is just an insecure child, haunted by his deepest fears.

And maybe, his life would be entirely like this. Dim, anxious and downcast, with forced smiles, and fake laughter. Changbin doesn’t care, at least he likes to think so.

Unless stupidly perfect Felix, with his soft smiles and bright eyes, bursts into Changbin’s life, taking over his heart so effortlessly, like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Well, now you got the point, for sure.

But let’s start from the beginning.

*

They first meet when they are thirteen. Too young, to be this angry at the whole world, but still old enough, to rebel against everyone, and everything.

Changbin is sprawled on the shabby benches of the lonesome playground, somewhere in the suburbs near his house. The place usually seems too void and hollow for people to come by, that’s why Changbin likes it there so much. It’s certainly better than home, with all the screams and stupid fights from the scratch. Here he feels oddly safe and peaceful.

“Why are you so sad all the time?” It’s the first time Changbin clearly hears Felix’s voice. It is surprisingly distinct, but somehow sweet and kind, just as the boy had imagined.

Not that he did that often, of course.

The boy moved over there several months ago, supposedly coming from Australia. At least, that’s what Changbin managed to catch from the other kids. And somehow, it makes sense, as Felix radiates warmth and brightness wherever he goes.

“And why do you care?” Changbin snaps, because, well, that’s what he is used to do. Kids are cruel, and the world is tough, and Changbin needs to adjust.

But Felix just smiles. With the widest and, probably, the most sincere grin Changbin has ever seen, the boy’s eyes tuning into adorable crescents, as the smile reaches his eyes.

Changbin wants to smile, too. He really does, but quickly remembers that he has to keep up with an image. So he just turns around, walking away, and leaving the boy behind.

But Felix catches up quickly. “Hey, that’s not nice,” he says cheekily, still visibly unbothered by Changbin’s implied rudeness. “We have been neighbours for three months now, and you still avoid me, like a plague,” they boy almost pouts, “I just wanted to be friends.”

“You have plenty of friends.”

“But I want to be friends with you!” Felix beams and stops right in front of Changbin, making him stumble a little. He hides his hands in jeans’ pockets, and smiles sheepishly to the ground.

“Why?” Changbin manages to whisper.

Because honestly, why would Felix need this? He is nice, and kind, and loved by literally everyone, showered in love and affection that he gladly gives back.

And Changbin is – well – Changbin.

“Why not, you seem nice,” Felix replies, and it is probably the first time someone calls him nice. They’re still standing in the middle of the playground, and it is getting darker and darker, with the gentle winds turning into chilly air. “And you’re interesting, I like that. I love interesting people.”

That day Changbin almost gives in. Almost falls under the boy’s charms. Almost.

“And you’re not,” he says tensely, brushing past Felix with in one sharp motion, rushing forward, hoping that the boy would vanish from his life as quickly as he appeared.

The thing is, Felix does not. He comes to the playground everyday onwards. Sometimes he speaks, telling Changbin stories about his family, school days, pets, and hobbies. Changbin doesn’t listen, really, rather perceiving the boy’s blabbering as a background noise.

For sure, Changbin does not really listen. Yet, now he knows that Felix has two sisters, who annoy him to the guts, but he loves them deeply anyway. He likes sunsets, but also likes moon and looking at the stars at nights. He loves dancing, as it brings him joy and energy, boosting him up for the greater things. Felix plays the piano, but doesn’t really like to sing. His favourite colour is black, and his favourite season is autumn, because leaves are bright and vivid, and fall prettily to the ground.

Changbin loves autumn too. Mostly because of the sound of the rain, thrumming on the windows in his bedroom.

But sometimes, they just sit in silence. And it’s also pleasant, and comfortable, and still makes Changbin warm on the inside. Felix would write something in his notebook, small and neat, with a cute turtle on the cover, and Changbin would just listen to the music, coming up with the lyrics for his imaginary songs.

Lee Felix is, indeed, loveable, soft, and kind. But he is also unbelievingly stubborn.

Seo Changbin is stubborn too. But eventually, he gives in.

*

“Why can’t you be a little bit nicer?” Felix asks, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.

They are fifteen. Too young to face the world, but old enough to fall in love.

Their friendship starts on a shaky ground, and Changbin wasn’t sure, that it would be something to last in his life. But two years passed, and Felix became someone too close and too important to lose, now mostly showering the other boy with love and attention instead of everyone else.

And Changbin doesn’t really mind.

“I am nice with you, aren’t I?” He replies, lips twisting in a smirk. Changbin comes to a conclusion that humour and confidence can shield you from all the unnecessary things at a very young age. So he uses it shamelessly.

“Oh, come on,” Felix lets out a muffled whine. “You can be nice to other people too, not only to me!”

“Because others are not you,” Changbin replies, “And you’re my best friend.” It is strange how easy and simple it is to admit, like it’s something so obvious.

“I’m your only friend,” Felix notes slyly.

“Seungmin is my friend.”

“You just listen to him talking, and that’s all!”

“You just like to be special, admit it,” Changbin huffs a laugh. Because, who does not want to be special, really.

“I’m not!” His usually deep voice raises in a funny way, almost making a screeching sound. “Anyways, this girl today, she just wanted to give you chocolates. There was no need to be an asshole.”

“Asshole? I kindly rejected her,” Changbin says in his defence, and Felix arches his eyebrow at the word ‘kindly’.

“You could at least take the chocolate.” Because that’s what Felix would do. Smile softly, take the gift, and make her fall for him even more.

Yerim, the girl who brought the chocolates today for him, is, in fact, nice and cute. She really is. Yerim is pretty, and smart, and smells like flowers.

“Giving her false hope would be more cruel.” Changbin is bold, but not heartless, after all. And taking advantage of the person with feelings for you is the most heartless thing in the world.

“Maybe,” Felix mumbles, more to himself. “You’re becoming quite popular with girls, you know?”

Yes, Changbin knows. He owns this label of ‘dark’ and ‘mysterious’ persona, and despite throwing cold and completely indifferent gazes left and right, the kids find him kind of… amusing. Like he is a conundrum that needs to be solved.

“Don’t really care, to be honest,” Changbin deadpans. They successfully reach their destination – bust stop. Felix plops down on the vacant seats near the station, stretching his arms and legs in front of him. “Do you like someone?” The question slips out of Changbin’s mouth before he could think it out properly.

Felix flinches slightly with a frown on his face. “No,” he shrugs, “I don’t think I do. You?” He titles his head, grinning cheekily.

Changbin thinks about this for a while. He likes music, and rainy days. Likes going out in the evenings to watch sunsets, because it makes Felix stupidly happy. Changbin likes junk food and horror movies and last-minute sleepovers, so that he does not have to go home.

And he is sure he doesn’t like Yerim. Because Yerim is not Felix.

“No,” Changbin replies breaking the silence, “I don’t like anyone.”

*

Seventeen feels like a punch in the guts. Sudden, strong, and painful.

Changbin thinks he is a mess, a mess as complex, as his stupid teenage years. Future is undecided, the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to leave for college. Anything, just to break away from home. But his grades are not that great, and he feels like a lost kid at the crossroads, blinded by opportunities, therefore unable to figure out, what he really wants.

Relationships with his parents are still rocky and complicated, as they scream they lungs out at each other late at nights, when they think he is sleeping soundly in his bed.

But Changbin doesn’t sleep.

The picture in his head suddenly clicks. Changbin doesn’t have to be a psychic to figure out that he was just another try for his parents’ relationships to work. And it angers him. He’s angry at the world, at people around him, at the fact that he has to act like everything is completely fine. But most importantly, he is angry at himself.

Sometimes Changbin cries, trying to muffle the sounds with the thick layers of fabric under the blankets. Sometimes he gets lost in songs and melodies, both in his head and in his earbuds. And sometimes, he will listen to Felix’s soothing voice on the other side of the line until he falls asleep. It’s so foolish, and so cliché, and makes the feelings in his chest grow bigger, but Changbin still doesn’t mind.

That’s when he starts writing lyrics. It feels like Changbin reaches over the demons deep inside of his heart and just pours it out on the paper, all raw and unfiltered. This works for him like some kind of coping mechanism, and helps him to sort things out in his head, at least a little bit. He writes everyday: at school, on his way home, on the playground with Felix by his side, at nights when his parents quarrel all over again.

Felix says his songs are too dark and gloomy, but still smiles when he listens to them. He loves to dance with Changbin’s songs playing on the background, too. Once he jokes that he will create an elaborate choreography to one of them and would become famous. Changbin laughs.

When Changbin tells his parents that he wants to pursue music, they laugh too. Felix tells him that they will figure something out, giving him the tightest hug, drawing circles on his back gently.

“Can I stay the night?” Changbin asks, hoping it does not sound like a plea (but it surely does). His throat feels dry, and eyes feel wet, and he shivers from cold, as he ran out of his house wearing only a t-shirt, and it’s an early spring, snow still seen on the ground.

“Of course,” Felix answers softly, and his voice resonates somewhere in Changbin’s heart. He clings to him tightly, refusing to let go of the boy even for a second. “Let’s go, you’re freezing.” Good thing they live nearby.

Felix’s parents are as nice, as him. They seem genuine and caring, comforting him with sweet words and freshly cooked meal. He likes them, they feel like family.

Felix also feels like family.

They watch Disney movies till late at night, with huge bowls of ice cream, and stuffed plushies scattered near. When it’s time to sleep, Changbin clings to Felix’s arm again. He feels his face flushing, as he gulps, breathing in and out slowly to calm himself down.

Changbin is physically preparing to be rejected, but Felix just snorts gently, pulling the boy closer. “You’re such a softie, you know that?”

“I hate you,” Changbin whispers in reply, nuzzling against his neck. He feels giggles bubbling somewhere in Felix’ chest.

“Of course, you do,” Felix whispers back. “We will figure something out, I promise.”

And Changbin trusts him unconditionally.

*

Looking at the big white envelope lying on kitchen table Changbin feels like the world is going to collapse.

Nineteen seems complicated, but hopeful, leaving bittersweet feeling on Changbin’s tongue.

As Felix has promised, he tries to figure something out. Surprisingly, his parents are strangely supportive of Felix’s choice of becoming a dancer and enrolling in art academy, so the younger purposely focuses his full attention on Changbin’s restless song-writing dream.

“As long as we’re going to be together, that’s fine,” Changbin’s says once, when they are discussing their future arrangements all over again. “I mean, I can manage with studying law, just gonna, I don’t know, create music in my free time.” At this point, he is not even sure whom he tries to convince more: Felix or himself. Because words resonate with a tight pull in his chest.

“I’ve promised you we will come up with something, right?” Felix looks at him with a glint of mischievousness in his eyes, smudge smirk curling at the side of his lips. Stupidly gorgeous lips. He bleached his hair for the first time two days ago, and at first Changbin thought he would die from how angel-like he looks with it. Felix says it’s a good contrast with Changbin’s jet black colour, and that they are now like fitting parts of each other, and the boy feels like he is dying all over again. “I really want you to be happy, and I don’t want to see you wasting your time on something you hate.”

Seo Changbin is not a sentimental person, but Lee Felix makes him cry more, than he should.

One day, Felix just shoves him a colourful brochure of the Art Academy. Changbin just grumbles, looking at the piece of scrap papers in front of him. “I know where you’re going to study better than you do.”

Felix rolls his eyes, and it’s one of few times when he seems genuinely annoyed. “Look at this,” he quickly flips through first three pages, stopping at the last one, “They offer scholarships, you dumbass.”

Changbin freezes. Going to Seoul together with Felix feels like a miracle, but also studying together again? Something bordering on fantasy.

“Basically, you just need to submit composed song and write a motivational letter,” Felix rambles, fidgeting his fingers nervously, “I can help you with the letter. For lyricist you are quite terrible with words, if we’re being honest.”

It sounds so overwhelming that Chagbin tries not to hyperventilate. God, he didn’t even get the scholarship yet, but something warm tingles in his chest. A glint of a hope.

“You should at least give it a try, Bin,” Felix almost pleas, and well, who is Changbin to refuse?

It’s the end of his senior year in high school when his parents leave a big white envelope for him to open on his own, and Changbin goes through rollercoaster of emotions. He feels numb, scared and excited, all at the same time. This little thing right there, pointless paragraphs of text on the paper can determine so much, and it seems so painfully unfair.

With hands shivering and heart beating loudly against his ribcage, Changbin takes out the letter, palms leaving subtle sweaty spots on the thin paper. The world stops for a second, just seconds away from collapsing.

The first thing that he sees is the word ‘Congratulations!’ typed in slick black ink.

Maybe, the world is not going to collapse today.

*

Summer that year feels different.

Changbin never really liked summer. Never understood why people adored it so much.

Summer usually meant humidity, heat, and clothes covered in sweat. Summer usually meant staying home and almost suffocating from the hooded atmosphere there. Summer also meant missing Felix almost for two months, as he always goes back to Australia for vacations.

Summer also means his birthday. Birthdays were usually lonely, with forced smiles from his parents, and constant ‘thank you’ said to his relatives for their congratulations. Felix always made sure to leave the present for Changbin beforehand, but honestly, the boy would enjoy Felix’s company more than any present in the world.

But summer that year is soaked with anticipation and excitement. And most importantly, Felix stays in the town, as they have to prepare for college. Humidity and heat suddenly don’t bother Changbin much, and also his parents, as he spends most of his days outside with Felix.

“Can I ask you something?” Felix’s voice snaps Changbin out of his thoughts. He looks to his side, and almost whines. They’re at their playground, and the sun seems to play some kind of melody on Felix’s skin, making his freckles more prominent. The boy squints, looking right at the skies, and his hair almost shines from the sunlight.

He is so beautiful that it hurts sometimes.

“Go ahead,” Changbin replies, tearing his gaze away from the younger. He closes his eyes, breathing in the sweet summer air softly.

“Do you think it will last? Our friendship, I mean,” Felix asks and Changbin’s eyes fly open in surprise. “N-no, it’s not like that,” the boy stutters out hurryingly, “I’m just worried, you know.”

“About what?”

“About future, about this whole college thing, about… us,” Felix’s voice strains at the last word, “We’re best friends, and I’m--oh god--I'm just worried that it would not stay like this forever.”

“Hey,” Changbin stretches his hand out and puts it on the younger’s shoulder, gripping it soothingly, “We will still be best friends, okay? Sure, it won’t be the same, but it will be fine.” Changbin watches as Felix bites on his lower lip, chewing it intensively. A stupid habit of his. “And I am the one who should be worried. Everyone is always swooning over you because you’re so freaking perfect and beautiful. I’m sure you will be the first one to forget about me,” Changbin says it more as a joke, but something in his heart aches sharply.

Smug smirk appears on Felix’s lips as he starts speaking, “Beautiful, huh?”

Changbin exhales loudly. Fuck.

“W-well, I’m not blind, okay?” Changbin mumbles, placing his hand back to his knees. His heart rate picks up and pulses somewhere in his temples, dangerously close to breaking out of his head. “Anyone with a pair of eyes can tell that you’re good-looking, objectively it’s a fact.”

“But you’re good-looking too,” Felix replies.

Oh god, let me survive this with his honor.

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh, come on, Binnie!” Felix’s mood definitely gets better, judging by the way he practically beams when talking. “Half of the school is crushing on you! I may be pretty, and beautiful, and whatever, but I’m not even close to your stupidly confident aura.” Oh, if only you knew, Felix. If only you knew. “You’re like that typical outcast boy in rom-coms, whom everyone hates, but still crushes on.”

Somehow, Changbin manages to pull himself together, not breaking down right at that goddamn playground. “Is that your type? Bad, outcasted boys?”

“W-what?” An adorable blush blooms on Felix’s face. “No, I don’t even have type,” he mumbles, avoiding Changbin’s gaze. “Anyways, don’t even try to distract me with your smooth talks. You’re not getting rid of me, ever,” Felix laughs, but there is an obvious determination in his voice.

“Is this a threat?” Changbin chuckles slyly.

It’s silent for a while, as the breathtaking sunset finally makes its appearance. The skies drown in the swirl of orange, blue and purple colours, sunshine glitching through the faint dim of clouds. Changbin lost count, how many sunsets they watched together right here, at this playground, there were too many. But every time they feel strangely different, each one being completely unique.

“It’s a promise,” Felix finally replies, eyes still glued at the scene in front of him.

*

College is surprisingly easier. From all the perspectives.

The most precious thing about it – no one gives a damn about you. This freedom is intoxicating, to the point where Changbin just crumbles out of his self-made shell that he put himself into long time ago.

Too young to care, but old enough to worry – welcome to your twenties.

Changbin realizes that in the end of the day, he is capable of making friends who are not Felix. Mostly because you’re kind of ought to socialize with your roommate, what a surprise.

But Chan is strikingly nice guy. He is slightly older, but is made of soft smiles, heart-fluttering giggles and gentle teasings. Yet, Changbin quickly realizes that there is something more to him, as Chan’s eyes have this wise and knowing look to them. Look of a person who has been through a lot.

They both have same undeniable passion for music, that makes them communicate through melodies and lyrics, rather than words. Something that brings them closer. To the point where they stay wide awake through the nights, just writing and composing, with tons of junk food and sincere laughters on the background. It’s nice. It’s not Felix, but it’s nice.

Through Chan, Changbin meets Jisung. He is harder to get along with, at first, as the boy feels a little bit all over the place. He is loud, and overreacts genuinely at everything most of the times, kind of looking like a lost puppy, who is too curious about life. Changbin won’t ever admit it, but Jisung has this peculiar charm to him, which is hard to ignore.

And that’s how duo becomes trio, and well, Changbin feels almost at home.

Almost.

“Who’s Felix?” Chan asks him during one of their sleepless nights.

Changbin heart stops for a second, natural reaction of his body every time Felix’s name gets to his ears. “Why?”

“Must be someone really important,” comes Jisung's voice somewhere from behind. He is sprawled on Changbin’s bed (that bastard), playing games on his phone. “I mean, have you seen the smile on his face every time he gets a call from the lover boy?” Jisung smirks, eyes still glued to the screen. “Makes me wonder, why we haven’t met yet.”

Changbin growls. “Why I am even friends with you, honestly.”

“So, you’re admitting that we’re friends?” Jisung rises on his elbows to catch Changbin’s gaze.

“No, I hate you,” Changbin deadpans, throwing one of Chan’s plushies at him. It hits Jisung in the face, and he falls on his back again dramatically.

“Anyways, back to the Felix boy,” Chan says with a smile.

“He is my best friend,” Changbin shrugs, praying that his face doesn’t give him away. “We moved here together, he kind of helped me with the scholarship, and all that stuff. He is, uhm, a dancer. A very good one, actually. Promised to choreograph one of my songs once,” Changbin smiles softly at the memory.

“Whipped,” Jisung whispers, but Changbin manages to hear that clearly. And doesn’t have audacity to deny that, to be honest.

“I see,” Chan grins knowingly, and Changbin is sure they got each other. They don’t need words for that. “Still, Felix is not Korean name. Is he a foreigner?”

“Yeah, uhm,” Changbin stutters, as talking about Felix not in his head, and especially with someone else, is strange, “he moved from Australia, we’ve met when I was thirteen.”

“Wait, what?” Jisung jabs from his place. “Chan-hyung is also from Australia!” Okay, that's... new. Now Changbin feels kind of ashamed that he never asked, where the other boy came from. “How could you not know?”

“Don’t be a drama queen, Jisung” Chan laughs, patting Changbin gently on the shoulder. “We’ve met only a month ago. And didn’t even talk for the first week. He looked like he wanted to punch me in the face.”

“Sorry,” Changbin mumbles.

“That’s fine,” Chan brushes it off. “But we really want to meet him, though. Felix.” Changbin should really stop shivering every time he hears the name. “Not because he is Australian. I mean, that’s dope, but he is your closest friend. And you’re our friend, that would be great to know you better.”

Chan is fucking nice. Sometimes Changbin wonders what kind of luck he owns to deserve such good people in his life.

“Of course, hyung,” Changbin nods. “Not sure about Jisung, but you will meet him for sure.”

“Hey!” Jisung whines, and the room is filled with a sincere laugh again.

*

Chan and Jisung meet Felix only two weeks after, and the encounter is not even planed.

“I’m fucking tired,” Chan groans in English, leaning against the tree behind him, rubbing his eyes intensively.

“Language,” Changbin mutters, fully occupied with the lyrics in his notebook.

Small group of people rushes past them, laughing loudly, snapping Changbin back from his thoughts. He clicks his tongue, looking around. Campus looks as busy, as ever, with students rushing back home as the classes are finally over.

“You’re not the one to talk,” Jisung pipes in. “You swear like a trooper.”

Changbin prepares to give a rebuff, but specifically familiar deep voice kicks in like a hurricane.

“Bin!” Changbin titles his head to the side, and feels a little nauseous. Felix marches to them with a wide grin, looking stupidly impeccable in his leather jacket and black jeans, with a white shirt underneath. His hair is styled neatly, and Changbin spots that his cheeks are rosy from the cold.

Jisung immediately straightens up from where he is sitting, and Chan cocks his head to the side, curiosity literally sparkling in his eyes.

“Hi!” Felix comes closer, gaze tracing over the other boys. Changbin observes as they smile back at him, a little bit forcefully, but still. They wave their hands in greeting, and Chan pats softly on the ground, inviting the boy to sit. “I’m Felix, nice to finally meet you!” He introduces himself, plopping down next to Changbin.

“You didn’t mention he was that hot,” Jisung mutters nearby, for only him to hear.

“Shut up, or I will make you,” Changbin hisses through teeth, elbowing the latter in the guts.

Chan and Felix get into the conversation easily, English slipping in here and there. Jisung also joins in later, overloading the boy with questions. Three of them talk like they have known each other for years, and Changbin should not be surprised by now, he’s well aware how charming Felix is.

“I’m glad Bin made friends,” Jisung arches an eyebrow at nickname, as Felix starts speaking. “He’s not the best with people, usually.”

“Yeah, we’ve noticed,” Jisung makes a remark, and Changbin shoves him with a shoulder, shooting him a threatening glare. “How he is so nice to you, seriously,” Jisung huffs, rubbing the place where Changbin hit him.

“Took me years,” Felix’s mouth twists in a smirk.

“He is nice with me, though,” Chan says, knitting his eyebrows in confusion.

“Only because you buy me snacks, hyung,” Changbin says, and Felix laughs softly beside him. It lingers somewhere in Changbin’s chest, bringing familiar sense of comfort.

He misses Felix too much for his own good.

“Why don’t you tell him?” Chan asks later when they are alone in their shared room, lying wide awake in Changbin’s bed, enjoying the peacefulness of night, accompanied by muffled sounds of their favorite songs.

Changbin realizes that he is sucker for cuddles, and well, Chan gives one of the best ones. Prominent second place on his (rather small) list, for sure.

“Tell him what?” Changbin asks, scrolling through his social media pages. His head is resting on Chan’s shoulder, and he is quite sure the older boy can see everything on his phone screen.

“That you like him,” Chan says calmly, not even asking, but stating, like it’s a matter of fact.

Changbin tenses up immediately, taking in a deep breath. He considers lying, or averting the question, or turning everything into a joke, but with Chan it would be rather stupid. He knows him too damn well. “I don’t know,” Changbin mutters under his breath.

It’s half-truth, in fact, because Changbin knows the reason. It’s simple, and stupid, and such a cliché, but Lee Felix is the closest to notion of ‘home’ to him. And Changbin wouldn’t bear losing only home he has.

*

“You can sleep on my bed, but I’m not really sure you will need it,” Chan says, packing some of his things in his black backpack.

Felix is standing in the middle of the room awkwardly, water dripping from his hair as he got into a snowfall. Drops are glistering brightly under the lamp, and it seems like Felix is starring in some kind of posh commercial for a luxurious brand.

“Uhm, thanks, I guess,” Felix says, huffing a laugh, and meets Changbin’s gaze, smiling softly.

He called an hour ago, asking if he could stay over at the weekends, as they didn’t have much time to see each other for few weeks already, only meeting up for lunch breaks.

And it’s true. It’s winter, and the term is coming to an end, so they both have loads of work, essays, and materials to go through. Leaving alone the fact that Felix is busy with his dance projects, and Changbin is catching up with his music stuff, producing and writing songs reluctantly late at nights with Chan and Jisung, leaving three of them completely sleepless.

So, naturally, Felix and Changbin kind of drifted apart, staying in touch only through messages and unplanned encounters in the dorms or campus buildings. And despite all the hectic schedules and unsettled sleeping patterns, not seeing Felix is what wrecks him the most. Changbin literally feels like a fish deprived of water.

“You know that you can stay with us, right?” Felix’s voice strikes the silence, as he speaks again. Of course he would still offer Chan to stay with them, and Changbin wouldn’t mind that much, if he did, honestly. It’s just that spending time with Felix alone appeals to him more.

“Nah, that’s fine,” Chan replies, carefully placing his laptop in the bag.

“Where are you going, anyways?” Changbin asks, nudging the older boy in the shoulder. Yes, Changbin wants his privacy, but that doesn’t mean he is throwing his friend under the bus.

Changbin observes as light blush appears on Chan’s cheeks and ears, as he is biting down on his lower lip. That’s new. “Girlfriend,” is all Chan says, looking sheepishly at the ground.

“What?” Changbin asks, dumfounded. “You… Why didn’t you tell us? Or Jisung knows? How did you even manage to have the time to find a girlfriend?” Changbin bombards the latter with questions, genuinely surprised with the news.

“No, Jisung doesn’t know, he would be all over me, if he did,” Chan snorts, and Changbin nods in agreement. “That’s why I’m telling you. This is kind of recent, to be honest, just didn’t want to screw it up, I guess.”

“I am so happy for you!” Felix beams, coming closer. “You deserve the best, hyung!”

Chan blushes even more, scratching the back of his head, and Changbin grips on his shoulder reassuringly. “I’m happy for you too, but don’t forget to tell me next time. I don’t want to cuddle with someone’s boyfriend.”

“Okay,” Chan laughs. He throws his bag over his shoulder, heading for the door. “You two have fun,” he turns around and winks.

“You too!” Changbin almost yells at Chan’s back as he rushes out of the room.

The ambience fills with tension immediately, as Felix looks around the room with confusion. Changbin watches as he rubs his hands together nervously, trying to find something to occupy himself with. It’s the first time they are that awkward, and Changbin can’t really place why.

“Uhm,” Changbin clears his throat, looking around. “You can settle in my bed. And, uhm,” Changbin opens one of his drawers, taking out food he had bought from convenience store on his way home, “we can watch something, if you don’t mind.”

They end up watching some stupid youtube videos, as they collectively agree that their brains are not capable of perceiving something elaborate, and the atmosphere around gets more relaxed with each hour, thankfully.

Still, Changbin feels that something is off. Maybe, not in a bad way, but Felix visibly seems nervous, fidgeting his fingers and chewing on his bottom lip with such force, that Changbin is scarred he would break the skin soon. That exactly what happens thirty minutes later, and Changbin lets out an exasperated sigh, getting up to give Felix a napkin to wipe blood from his bottom lip.

The night creeps in, and Changbin feels his heart almost breaking out of his body. “So,” he starts hesitatingly, avoiding eye contact with the other boy, “You can sleep in Chan’s bed, uhm,” Changbin shuts his eyes, breathing in and out heavily. For fuck’s sake, it’s his best friend, it shouldn’t be that awkward, “Uhm, we changed the sheets, and they are clean, if you’re worried about that, and—”

“Changbin,” Felix’s voice is quiet, but stable, as he speaks, “I don’t want to sleep in Chan’s bed.”

Changbin swallows. “Oh, okay,” he mutters under his breath. They’ve slept in one bed plenty of times, and cuddled together plenty of times, even shared small kisses from time to time, but this sudden shift makes everything feel different, and awkward, and nerve-wracking.

Ten minutes later they are lying down, the lights are out, and the room is illuminated only by glim from the streets, coming softly through the windows. It’s silent, and Changbin thinks his heartbeat can be heard all over the dorm, leaving out the sound in the room. His palms are sweaty, so he has to wipe them every five seconds, and his breath is kind of hitched.

“I listened to your stuff, by the way,” Felix titles his head, lying on his side to face Changbin. His voice seems to sound deeper, as he talks in whisper, god knows why. Changbin looks back at him, puzzled, trying to process the words. “Songs, I mean. Chan sends me some, from time to time.”

“And?” Changbin asks, feeling a little nauseous. He doesn’t know why he stopped sharing his stuff, when Felix sent him dance practice videos almost every day.

“A little bit depressing, for my liking, but you guys are great,” Felix replies, side of his mouth curling in a smile. Changbin new that his lyrics are kind of dark, and Felix is too sentimental. “I like your verses the most.”

“Jisung is better,” Changbin forces out of himself, gripping on the bedsheets to calm himself down. “He is a fucking genius, to be honest,” Changbin prays that Jisung never finds out he actually said that.

He expects the other boy to smile, or to laugh, but Felix is as serious as ever, mouth opened slightly, eyes staring back at Changbin eagerly. “Changbin, why do you think I came to you that day, on a playground?”

The question feels out of place, knocking the air out of Changbin’s lungs. “W-what?” he stutters out. “You said, you wanted to be my friend, uhm—you said I was interesting.”

“I was so curious,” Felix says, smiling at the memory. “Curious about you. You seemed so distant, and cold, from afar, and I was so eager to solve you.”

“Did you?” Changbin asks shakily, not really sure where this conversation is going.

“I don’t know,” Felix looks at his hands, exhaling loudly, and this answer feels oddly familiar. “Some days you look at me, like I’m the only good thing in this world. Touching me, and smiling at me, asking for hugs and kisses,” he still looks down, and Changbin wants too hold Felix’s hand so bad, looking at how they are trembling hard. “And the other days, I feel like you don’t really need me,” the words hit Changbin hard in the chest. “You’re so engaged in this music making with guys, and Chan gives you cuddles, and Jisung treats you like an older brother. And I--,” something is glitching on Felix’s cheek, “I feel so bad for being jealous. You’re finally happy, and surrounded by love and admiration, but I miss you so fucking much, and—” Now Felix is sobbing, tears running down his cheeks, gasping for air.

Changbin shuffles closer, pulling Felix into a hug, pressing him against his chest firmly. He pats the back of his head softly, feeling as the boy is whimpering even more. He knows that he has to say something, but lump in his throat feels tight, and his head feels mushy and empty.

“I like you,” Felix says against Changbin’s chest, voice muffled by his shirt. “I really like you, more than a best friend should. I felt so ashamed, and Hyunjin said I need to confess, because eventually I would get hurt more. And I lived with a thought that you won’t ever want to see me again after today, and you probably will, but can I stay the night, I just—” Felix breaks down again, crying even harder.

Changbin feels like his word finally collapsed. He always saw himself instead of Felix, crying in the other boy’s hands, confessing, like a fool, afraid of rejection and ruined promises. But it hurts so much to see Felix – this stupidly perfect boy, a sunshine in your pocket, the most charming person you will ever meet, breaking down over someone, like Changbin.

Faintly, Changbin realizes that he is not just someone.

“Felix,” he pulls the boy out of the hug, and the latter looks at him almost in desperation, ready to break down in tears again. “Can I kiss you?”

The words linger in the air, hovering over, and Felix knits his eyebrows, gasping silently. “You—what?”

Changbin moves closer, cupping Felix’s face with his palm, caressing his cheek gently. “Kiss, Felix,” Changbin smirks, feeling the rush of confidence, “You know, when two people really love each other—”

“Oh, shut up,” Felix grumbles, closing the distance in one swift motion.

Felix’s lips feel soft, and salty, but sweet at the same time. Changbin gasps against Felix’s lips, pulling the boy closer, if that’s even possible. Their chests crush, and something warm bursts inside, as Changbin faintly feels Felix's hands grasping on his shirt. He gently goes over the seam of Felix’s lips and feels the metallic taste on his tongue. It takes him a second to identify that it is, in fact, blood, and he pulls away.

Even in the dim lights of the room Changbin sees that Felix’s face is flushing, as he apologizingly holds onto his bottom lip. Realization hits Changbin as he remembers that Felix broke the skin on his lips earlier.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” Changbin hops off the bed, taking out napkins, and wipes the blood of Felix’s lip, as gentle as he can.

“’S fine,” Felix murmurs, with a smile, watching as Changbin is replacing a napkin with a thumb. “It was worth it.”

“I should buy you a lip balm,” Changbin whispers, thumb still caressing the other boy’s bottom lip.

“Edible, I hope?”

“Of course,” Changbin laughs, pulling Felix back on the bed with him.

They sleep curled in each other touch, legs and arms tangled together. The feeling is so familiar, but slightly different this time, swirl of emotions bubbling up through Changbin’s body as he holds Felix’s tight.

Lee Felix is probably the most lovable, gentle and kind person you will ever meet in your life. And Seo Changbin is not.

But maybe, it doesn’t matter.