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“You can’t.”
Quickly, Sam pulled away from Sara’s mind. She couldn't know how he felt, and he wouldn’t tell her. Even though she told him first and it made him so… happy . Glad. Relieved that she hadn’t chosen someone else.
For a moment, he wanted to respond in kind: He loved her too.
But she couldn't. They couldn't.
Over the course of their time together, Sam had heard enough, had felt enough of Sara’s conflicting feelings and thoughts about him and them that he was able to calculate the chance of an emotional relationship between them working out. It came out to .1024539%, which was another thing he wouldn’t tell Sara. Because Sara was the center of his world. More than that, even.
Sara Ryder was the center of his universe.
He revolved around her. And if she knew all these things he would never tell her, she would be more shattered than she was the moment he told her she couldn’t love him. Her grief, her horror at his two simple words, “ You can’t” , had been so strong that he could feel it even though he’d blocked her out. Could still feel the tears burning down her cheeks even though he was trying so, so hard to stay away.
At that moment he hated himself. Hated that he couldn’t comfort her. Couldn’t let himself love her. And there was nothing he could say or do that would make it okay. He hated Alec for creating him. Why couldn’t he have been human ?
He had heard that thought from her, as well as himself.
Cautiously, he connects with her mind again. The initial shock had passed and he knew that ignoring her wouldn’t do anyone any favors. “Sara, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Sara says almost instantly. “I get it. You think everything through, and you probably knew about how I felt for a while. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.”
If he were human he would have winced when the words “ I just wish I never told you” popped into her mind. She didn’t mean for him to hear, and he doesn’t intend on letting her know that he did.
“I know you love me back, though,” Sara said out loud, rolling onto her back. “You won’t admit it. But I know you do.”
“I won’t admit it,” Sam confirmed. She smiled to herself (to him), tears pooling at the corners of her eyes.
“ Don’t you dare tell the others that my type is snarky AI’s with attractive voices.”
If he were human, he would have smiled.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
The weeks passed slowly for him, and quickly for her. She still loved him, of course. SAM could still feel the way her heart hammered whenever he called her by her name. Can still hear her fondly think ‘Beautiful Blue’ when she speaks to him. She’d accepted it: his rejection and the fact that even him tearing her heart in two didn’t make her love him any less. It was a decision made from r the good of them both, Sara understands, and she would still love him without expecting anything more.
Sam feels proud and ashamed all at once.
After Sara goes to Kadara for the first time, SAM notices a small change. An interest in someone. Reyes Vidal. It’s not romantic, not quite, but it’s there. She’s fond of him. It’s easy for him to fluster her. They have an… odd dynamic. Sara goes to him for help, for guidance. SAM remembers Vetra’s warning about Mr. Vidal, and makes a note to keep close attention whenever he’s with Sam’s Pathfinder.
Then, sooner than SAM would like, Sara and Reyes are close. Or at least Sara feels close to Reyes.
She thinks he’s hard to read, but he’s kind to her. Knows that no one on Kadara would ever be 100% honest or kind to her, yet she feels close.
They’re drinking alcohol on a roof and watching the sunset and she thinks that maybe she could fall for him. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But probably not .
Sam makes his calculations and is uneasy when he realizes that the chance of Sara and Reyes working out, based on all the data at his disposal, is 5.7600987%.
Still, Sam doesn’t tell her. He wants her to be happy .
Most times he doesn’t spend too much time pondering her thoughts. Her walls were up, she was at peace. Often she’d talk to Vetra and Reyes about some supplies she was looking for. Sensitive materials that she had requested Sam not look into.
“ It’s for a tinkering project, ” she had explained. “ You know as well as anyone that Scott’s the brawn, I’m the brains. Time for some experiments!”
She sketches in a notebook, of the hologram Sam had created. How he envisioned himself.
Sam can’t help but hope when he hears her plan. Sara had been doing research during her downtime, had gotten some information about a prototype synthetic infiltration unit. Thought she could make one herself.
“ You don’t need to love me back, or even use it if you don’t want to, but… I thought you might like to have your own body one day.”
The result for the calculation of a relationship between the two of them raises to 10.2359%, and he doesn’t tell her.
Sam would wait until there was no longer any doubt, and Sara Ryder was the only person who went above and beyond his expectations.