Work Text:
She understood me in a way I have never been before. Not by past friends or lovers, and definitely not by family. She was sweeter than the first bite of my favorite chocolate. I wanted to not befriend her. I wanted to prevent another betrayal, another heart break. I thought I was succeeding until I gave her unlimited access to my office. It is only now that I know that when I gave her that, I was really giving her me. I had let her in without realizing. No one has ever gotten to see me in that light before. So why her?
Her smile was always the brightest. Her eyes were always the bluest. Her laugh, so loud and joyful. I couldn’t help but laugh with her. The little scar on her eyebrow. The abnormal amount of unhealthy food she would eat before I could even finish half of my healthy food. The way she knew I needed a break so she would bring me the greasy food I love but wouldn’t ever let anyone know, except her. She always listened and when needed gave me a shoulder to cry on. She allowed me to be vulnerable and not have to feel ashamed for it. But why did she have to feel so warm, like the home I hadn’t felt since I was four years old. Her hugs always made me feel safe and warm. I felt at peace when I was in her arms and presence. I felt loved.
There were days when I thought about her betraying me. I thought if it were to end that way at least I already knew the pain. I was wrong, very wrong. The pain I felt the day I saw it, shattered my heart, shattered me. I couldn’t see the beach on a sunny day, I only saw a storm wrecking terror. I still went to her that night, hoping that I wouldn’t see it but I did. I wanted to get out, leave but everything swirled around me, laughing at me for being a fool for so long. Lies after lies she told me and I sucked it all in without a pinch of doubt. I was so hurt and I wanted her to feel the same.
There were several occasions I wanted to reveal the truth about her but I couldn’t. The feelings that I was still shoving in my boxes were still making a presence. So, I used her and made her believe my lies. I felt horrible but it was what I thought had to be done. I kept it up, until I couldn’t anymore.
Then the crisis happened. She came about a few more times but again with the excuses. I was working on what I thought could help humanity, a better life where there was truth. I was leaving the light. She came to me one night and basically told me that I was a villain. Something I tried so hard not to be my entire life. Something I was expected to be but couldn’t ever find it in me to become.
She thought I was a villain and here I was thinking that my work would save humanity. I failed to see what I was becoming, what my own brother and mother wanted me to become. It was never my intention to hurt anyone like that. I just wanted her to hurt like she hurt me and I just wanted a world where no one was going to be hurt again. It was silly of me to even think that it was possible.
When I finally saw what I had done, I realize what I had to do. During the ride to her place, I thought about everything she said and everything she had done. I understood why she did it but I still have questions, for later, about why she went about doing it that way. Most importantly I now saw she never meant to hurt me.
I was at her door afraid that she wouldn’t even open it for me but she did. She didn’t hold it open for me like she always did but she still allowed me in. I cried out my apology to her and explained what was happening, all the while she was standing there with no emotions to read from. When she finally moved I thought she was going to kick me out. Thankfully she heard me out.
A lot of things happened after that. I brought up one of our past time and she snapped. Never had she been so angry at me before. I understood what she was saying and I felt like I deserved to be shouted at. After all, I am the one who caused this. But now I know I never deserve to be shouted at thanks to Kelly’s therapy sessions.
I felt so much need to protect her while she was saving the world. I did actually, several times. I take no pride in them though, I only want her to be safe. Which is impossible considering what she does but if she is going to selflessly jump into fire to save everyone then I’m going to jump in to save her.
She told me once that she would always be on my side. She would always fight for me. When the entire world was against me, I was not scared because I had her. Kara Danvers believed in me. So now I ask, can Kara Zor-El believe in me?