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have you ever been so irrevocably in love with someone's personality?
see, the answer is yes. he has. he looks at the tweet post now with a smile on his lips because the question seems to ask him personally and by some sort of coincidence or something , it's the caption to johnny's recent video that he posted on instagram.
it's johnny being johnny — no, not the strict, focused johnny taeyong has seen before, not johnny who isn't smiling because the pressure gets too much, not the johnny who couldn't help the tears he shed. and while all of those make johnny johnny , this johnny is taeyong's favorite. happy, smiling, dancing.
he looks up from his phone screen now to johnny's laughter, smile on his lips, because the sound of johnny's laugh has always been something he likes to listen to, as corny as that might be. johnny's fooling around with mark again, as always, and the rest of the members are hyped up and happy, knowing their amazing fans are supporting them and putting their latest release high in the chart.
taeyong feels somewhat flowery in his chest, warm and soft, even though his body screams for sleep, for him to lay down and let it rest. he should be kind to it, he knows that. but later, he thinks. he still has much to do and rest is a long time from now.
that's okay, though. taeyong loves what he does. he loves his supporters, fans that are more than just fans. family, he would call them, even if he might not know every single one of them. he works hard first for himself and them, who deserve his effort.
moreover, though, he loves that he gets to do this with johnny. he thinks it couldn't get any better.
clicking on the share button of the twitter post he was smiling at, taeyong sends it to johnny and looks up to see the taller boy pause just as he hears the simple, brief 'ding' of his phone, indicating a new message. taeyong keeps his eyes on johnny and when the latter looks up, their eyes meet.
they smile. there's something intimate in sharing glances like this, a little tug at their lips, a twinkle in their eyes. what they have is nameless, because to label it something as simple as partners felt unjust. lovers? it's more than that. best friends, perhaps, but they kiss each other goodnight, and they are each other's rock, one way or another. soulmates?
too simple. everything is too simple.
and they are not.
so they don't put a name on it and the others don't have to know, though taeyong thinks they know anyway. they're brothers and there's very little that taeyong could keep from them. if he doesn't say it, they can read it. he wonders sometimes if they could still read this , whatever this is with johnny, if they don't put a name to it. taeyong thinks it doesn't matter anyway. let them know, they deserve to.
johnny's smiling at him and he feels too far away but that's okay. johnny is always far from him but taeyong knows he keeps a distance for a reason. it's not a bad reason and he knows when they get to call it a night, johnny would be with him.
johnny is always with him.
"wah," johnny says then, startling taeyong because he doesn't realize he had been staring. there's a teasing tone in johnny's voice, a finger pointing at taeyong as he grins cheekily. "taeyongie, are you wearing your sparkly eyes looking at me~?"
taeyong's cheeks burn as he laughs it off with a pat on his soft pink hair using both his hands the way he always does when he's flustered and the other members join in as well. it's not always that johnny flirts with him so openly so it always takes him by surprise whenever the latter decides to do so. the others don't seem to realize or they do but don't mind it at all. taeyong shoots a look at johnny to which the boy only laughs at.
"yo, stop flirting, dude," mark is saying with a laugh, in that way that he does whenever he finds something either really funny or really confusing. taeyong guesses it's the latter. if anyone has yet to tell just what kind of relationship taeyong and johnny has, he thinks it would be mark, even though mark and johnny are glued at the hips.
though maybe mark knows more than he shows.
doyoung is mumbling something about johnny being playful again but taeyong is simply smiling now, nervous and warm at the same time. somewhere deep in his belly, he feels a little twist, like the butterflies everyone always talks about whenever they're in love. is he in love? yes, he's in love with johnny's personality, but is he in love with johnny ? he wouldn't know.
he had never been in love before.
johnny shoots him another smile. this time it's knowing, like he's sending a message while the others are checking if their song is going up the charts. taeyong returns it, wide eyed, wide smile.
johnny lifts his phone without looking away from him and just as taeyong looks down at his, it buzzes; a new incoming message. he opens it and there's a video of him laughing, taken just earlier after their v-live countdown to their album release.
underneath the video, johnny says; i have.
yes. yes, i have.
i have been so unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him , johnny thinks, quoting the infamous twilight movie because in what other way can he be corny and still means it? no, i am irrevocably in love with him , he corrects himself, because that is the truth of the matter; he has been and he still is.
when he'd gotten the message taeyong sent him of the tweet a fan made with his video attached, the caption made him think of taeyong.
not because it was taeyong who sent it but because taeyong is, easily, truthfully, rewardingly everything that has to do with the word love . his smile is love, his eyes are love, his voice- lovely.
love, love, love. his everything reminds johnny of love. so if it isn't love in his heart for taeyong, then what else could it be? to call it infatuation felt like an insult, to call it adoration is simply too… simple.
he isn't infatuated; he loves.
johnny isn't claiming that taeyong is flawless, no. taeyong is far from flawless, inside and outside. taeyong has scars and taeyong makes mistakes and though that makes him imperfect, johnny thinks he's just so remarkably human, so human that it's beautiful, so human that johnny could not feel anything but love for taeyong.
taeyong isn't soft or fragile, not in the literal sense, at least. taeyong is… well, he is gentle. he is selfless. he is kind and patient, hardworking and considerate. he is good, most of all. he is good and he is bold and he is brave. like love is, johnny thinks. his soul is so, so beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful it's only fair that he has a face to match, only fair that he has the skills to match.
so beautiful johnny thinks no one truly deserves him, not even johnny, though he tries to be worthy of it.
johnny knows many forms of love; love he has for his family, love he has for his friends, love he has for his fans. and then there is taeyong, love itself.
and johnny loves him.
he watches the music video they had just released now, with awe and pride, mostly for their hard work, for the hours and hours of practice, for sleepless nights and restless mornings, for how he turns out looking good. he's not conceited but he's worked hard enough to give himself a pat in the back.
he praises each one of them because they did amazing, their blood, sweat and tears paid off because even if they don't make the charts, as long as the people they did this for are happy, it would have been enough.
charting, however, is a massive bonus.
he watches the video over and over again, but the first time he does, he notes the brief scene of which he shares the frame with taeyong, and his eyes had naturally, immediately flickered over towards the boy. they share a smile, a mutual agreement that they look good together like that, in one single frame, sharing a move in choreography.
he laughs at something taeil says and he tells the fans he's watching it again and then he watches it again. and then again.
rose . that's the shape of taeyong's scar.
that's the name they call him and it's fitting yet at the same time so… dissatisfying, somewhat? but then again, johnny realizes, that no words could ever describe the beauty that taeyong has, that taeyong is . so he, like the rest of them, settles for rose .
on the day they filmed the video, taeyong asked the make up artist to draw a rose on the side of his face, close to his scar. johnny thought it was brilliant.
he's supposed to be asleep now but johnny is energetic, pumped full of excitement and happiness. they didn't drink any alcohol because tomorrow is bound to be a long day, a busy day, but johnny feels a little intoxicated anyway.
he had tucked donghyuck to sleep, to the boy's dismay, but it's all fun and jokes and mark was there so donghyuck didn't complain about johnny not being there, in the room that they share. he wanted to be with taeyong tonight, because it feels like a night to spend with taeyong and he knows donghyuck would appreciate his absence to be replaced with mark's presence.
"i just think that it's brilliant," johnny says, for the nth time, as he watches the music video again. like a fan, because he's addicted to it and he thinks they're brilliant, he thinks taeyong is brilliant.
taeyong laughs. his hair is damp from his shower and he has on a simple, slightly oversized shirt johnny recognized once belonged to him, and sleep shorts that don't reach his knees. small, like a kitten, but truthfully not too much shorter than himself. maybe it's just johnny, maybe taeyong just means different to him. it makes him… flowery. taeyong used to tell him he feels flowery sometimes, so this must be what he meant. flowery, for a flower boy.
it's a stark contrast to the man he sees in the video, a man with a powerful stage presence, almost the complete opposite of taeyong now. he finds himself subconsciously watching taeyong as he dries his hair, because no one stares at anyone with intent, and the only reason johnny is staring is because he's thinking. what is he thinking about?
the answer is simple; taeyong.
even when they are in the same room, johnny feels overwhelmed by the thought of taeyong filling up every corner of his brain. he wonders if it's unhealthy but he doesn't really care.
taeyong's hair has faded to a much lighter, softer pink now. it reminds johnny of sunsets, the soft ones that come randomly, painting the sky a soft ivory. or sunrises, when the sun isn't blaring too brightly and it carries with it a gentle tint of peach. he likes it.
he doesn't realize the song has finished until taeyong turns around and finds him staring. still, to this day, johnny gets flustered when he gets caught. taeyong's smile is like a twinkling star as he climbs into bed, crawling over johnny to get to the inner side of the bed, where he usually sleeps.
it's not a big bed but it's enough for johnny to squeeze in and taeyong doesn't mind. he thinks taeyong prefers it anyway. he places his phone aside, to watch the video again when he wakes up. he turns his body towards the latter, their faces just inches apart. he smiles, taeyong smiles.
he's on the left side of the bed so he lays on his right, smiling at taeyong, watching his eyelids grow heavy until his own get too tired to stay open. he lifts a hand, his left one, gently swipes the pad of his thumb over taeyong's rose scar.
"i think you're brilliant," he says and his voice is low, quiet, sleepy. he leans in then and presses a kiss to the very spot, just underneath the outer corner of taeyong's right eye. "i think you did so good."
taeyong is smiling at him and johnny thinks this is intimacy, this is affection, this is love; just taeyong, and taeyong's smile meant for him.
"you were even better," taeyong tells him, a whisper meant for only him. it brings a smile to johnny's lips, lips that taeyong leans in to kiss. johnny vibrates.
he wants to protest but taeyong's eyes are already closing, blinking heavily as his breathing slows. so instead johnny settles on carding his fingers through taeyong's soft hair and when he thinks taeyong is fully, completely out cold. johnny whispers quietly;
i think i love you.
i think i love you. i think i love you. i think i love you.
taeyong wakes up in the morning with johnny's voice muttering those words over and over again. it's in his head, a memory from the night before. and it makes his stomach swirl in the most thrilling way. taeyong thinks until he could no longer think.
could it truly be possible ? it's easy to wonder, even though everything that they are has been more than just love, more than just anything. more than just a label and certainly more than just friendship. johnny held him last night until they both fell asleep. they had kissed. johnny had said words that felt like it belonged in a dream. was it a dream ?
was he dreaming ?
he was not. he is quite certain of it because for one, he knew he was awake; he had listened to the soft, slowing beats of johnny's heart as they both fall asleep. he had heard johnny say it, soft, just for him.
when johnny wakes up, though, they both realize they slept a little too long. no time to talk then. later, maybe. if there is a pause in time and they are gifted with a moment together again. time is given to them if they're lucky. taeyong hopes he's lucky today.
they get busy with practice. it's the day after comeback and usually they don't get a minute to breathe. it's overwhelming. it's worth it.
the music video release the night before had been an experience, in taeyong's opinion. watching everyone turning out so good in it had been rewarding. watching johnny in it had been… well, it had been more than just something. it was good.
throughout the day, whilst he tries to stay focused on his dancing, his performance, his role as the leader of the group, at the back of his head plays the constant loop of johnny's voice; i think i love you.
he wonders if it's a good thing or if it's a bad thing. but how can love be a bad thing? how can johnny loving him ever be a bad thing? johnny loves him and there's a flower inside him, a petal for each time johnny makes him smile, makes him feel safe. a petal for each time johnny crosses his mind.
there's a smile on his lips at the realization that he has a garden in his chest and every flower is one johnny watered, nurtured, spoke to so gently, treated so well that they bloom in bursting colors.
so, no. no, it can't be a bad thing .
they share more glances than they ever had in the past, subtle, like when johnny makes a joke and taeyong laughs, taeyong always laughs, or when someone else points to johnny to tease him. their eyes would meet, warm, inviting, home .
what is johnny to him exactly? taeyong doesn't know. but he is a good thing, an important thing, taeyong knows that . he is not a friend and he is not just a lover. he is more. he would always be more.
though he wonders, now as he watches doyoung's arm wind around johnny's shoulders, that if titles don't matter, why does he feel the need to claim it?
johnny doesn't belong to him but johnny is his, in a way, in some ways. johnny loves him.
it could never be a bad thing.
the day goes well — well, because everyone was laughing and everyone was happy and no one was breaking down. well because taeyong feels light in his chest, happy to see everyone happy, happy to see johnny happy. he feels somewhat liberated.
they decide to go out for dinner and it's rowdy, as always, but that is home for taeyong. home in the way that jungwoo has an arm around taeil's waist, laughing over something they're watching on taeil's phone. home in the way that yuta's hand is around jaehyun's nape, whispering, sharing smiles, the way hyuck is telling doyoung, mark, taeyong and johnny about what apparently happened in the dream dorm and them smiling, fond over jaemin babying chenle.
this is home, taeyong thinks, and they're not always affectionate and they fight, sometimes, a lot of times, but that's normal. taeyong is still blessed.
he meets johnny's eyes and they smile. they always smile when they find each other. johnny gives him a knowing look before he speaks. "i'm gonna get some air outside."
"i'll go with," taeyong adds immediately but the act is futile because the other members barely bat an eye save for doyoung, who nods to acknowledge.
he tails after johnny out of the restaurant, staying close because it's almost a habit now; taeyong sticks close to him, taeyong repeats after him, taeyong finding his face calming, which is true. johnny has this look that he wears that not only taeyong finds somewhat grounding.
he makes a small noise when the cool breeze hit his skin and there's a smile on his lips as johnny laughs. he doesn't know why johnny is laughing but he guesses it could be the same reason as to why he always laughs at johnny's jokes, even when they aren't funny, even when the others merely smiled.
"walk with me?" johnny asks, as if he needed to but taeyong nods anyway.
his hair is done similarly to yesterday's v-live, a little fluffy, slightly curled and framing his face in soft, faded pink. for a little while, they walk in silence, his hands stuffed in his pockets until he feels a folded packet inside one, remembering that he had left his favorite sweet potato snack in his pocket earlier.
he holds it up to johnny, offering. "want some?"
johnny shakes his head with a little laugh. "no, babe. you can have that. i know you like it a lot."
taeyong doesn't protest because he does like it a lot. what has him flustered, however, is the fact that johnny had referred to him with a term of endearment. it is far from the first time he'd done it but taeyong supposes it feels a little different now since he had spent the rest of today thinking about what johnny had said to him last night.
i think i love you .
"about last night-"
"what i said last night-" johnny starts off just as taeyong did, the both of them turning to face each other and it tickles their stomachs that they were thinking of the same thing.
johnny laughs, taeyong mirrors.
when he sees that taeyong is waiting, johnny continues. "i meant what i said. i guess i thought it wouldn't really surprise you, since what we have has been going on for a while now. and i know we don't need labels for anything but it'd be nice, don't you think?"
taeyong watches johnny's face as he speaks, listens to his voice, so calm even in situations that would make taeyong nervous and it grows increasingly clear that the question he asked himself has a definite answer. is he in love with johnny ?
he is. he is. he is. the answer is definite.
johnny continues then, a hand reaching out to curl his hand around the curve of taeyong's elbow, pulling him closer and he makes it look as though he was pulling taeyong to free the path, an innocent move that closes the gap between them. "we've had this for a long time, haven't we? is it too soon for me to tell you i love you?"
taeyong shakes his head, a perpetual smile on his lips. his fingers toy with the snack packet. "it's not too soon. and i think.. i think i'd really like to put a name to it. to this. i didn't mind it before but then it's like doyoung does it on purpose whenever he clings to you when i'm around and-"
johnny blinks and then laughs and taeyong frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. johnny's smile is wide when he speaks again. "were you jealous?"
"wouldn't you be?!" taeyong bites back, defensive.
"alright, alright," johnny holds his palms up in an act of surrender though he doesn't completely stop laughing. "you do know he's still going to do that whenever he feels like it, right? and i mean everyone of them too."
taeyong blows out a puff of air, nodding. "i know that. i just think i wouldn't be as bothered if they knew that we're, you know, together."
johnny looks pleased as he nods. "then we'll tell them we're together."
"boyfriends?" taeyong tries and then playfully adds, "best friends? partners? soulmates?"
johnny laughs and taeyong follows. they share a smile in the silence, and taeyong thinks johnny's brown eyes are so, so bright. so full of life.
"everything." johnny says.
taeyong agrees with a nod, a wide smile on his lips. johnny's grin matches his and as they make their way back to the restaurant before the others and their manager start to look for them, taeyong feels even more liberated. free, free, free.
"johnny?" he calls after the taller just before they step back into the restaurant. johnny turns with a brow raised questioningly and taeyong smiles yet again. "i think i love you too."
have you ever been so irrevocably in love with someone?
their answer is yes. and it is definite.
yes, we have.