Archive of Our Own

childhood friends au

→ 10 and 12

November 2009

Even lingered outside of Isak’s classroom - when they were younger Isak would get embarrassed of all the silly faces Even would pull from the window, but he didn’t mind them anymore. It was their routine now. Even always tried to run over to the other side of the school so he could walk Isak home. It was something his mothers used to laugh at him about - Marianne liked having the extra time to herself while Terje was still at work and Even would get Isak from school to help her out. His mothers thought it was because he loved to look good in front of Marianne, but Even figured it was just because he liked looking after Isak. 

When the class ended, Isak showed up next to him, he was holding a tub of chalk in his small arms.  

“Where’d you get that ?” Even laughs, dragging him towards the school gates. 

“Ander got it for me for my birthday,” he says, opening the lid and showing Even the various colours. 

“Your birthday was like five months ago.”

“‘Said he forgot to give it to me and his mama found it, so she gave it to me this morning at the gate,” Isak explains, he shuts the lid again, and puts it under his arm, rubbing his hands together. He was only wearing his school jumper, so in short, he was freezing. 

Even, however, was a bit smarter - he had a coat on, and gloves on his hands, he pulls the left glove off of his hand, and gives it to Isak, “Here.”

Isak takes it, trying to put both his hands in the single glove.

“You should wear your jacket or something, you must be cold all the time, it’s November .”

“I’m good with your glove, your hand warmed it up for me,” Isak smiles toothily. 

Rolling his eyes, he pulls Isak by his bare hand around the corner to his front door, when they enter, they can hear Even’s mothers talking to Marianne.

Isak pulls off the glove and puts it on the bookshelf by the door before taking up residence next to his mother. 

“There’s Mother Theresa,” Sofie says, holding a hand out to her son. 

Even scoffs, “Most parents like a helpful child, you know.”

Liv wraps an arm around him, letting her cheek rest on the top of his head, “Stop teasing him, he’s just looking after Isak.” 

“What’s this?” Marianne asks, opening the tub of chalk. 

“Ander gave it to me.”

“Why don’t you and Even go draw outside? The back garden will do.”

Isak nods at her before jumping to his feet, and Even follows him out, taking the chalk from him.

The mothers all look amongst each other, “Got a feeling they’ll end up bickering like an elderly couple by next year.”

“Married within ten years, I’ll put money on it.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Marianne laughs.

→ (almost) 13 and 15

March 2012

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

TONGUE TIED

by Grouplove

take me to your best friend's house
go around this roundabout, oh yeah
take me to your best friend's house
i loved you then and i love you now

Isak laid on his stomach on his bed. Spotify’s web app had just been downloaded onto Even’s laptop - he’d been using the free version of it for months now but Even had just started to pay for his. So, he rang Even’s landline phone for an emergency sleepover; it was rare that Even would spend the night at Isak’s house rather than his own - he told himself it was because Even had the bigger room but deep down he knew it was because he loved escaping this house whenever he could. His mum was getting worse by the day and he could hear his father’s yells echoing whenever he was here, even when it wasn’t booming in the corridors. 

Even was sat next to him, directing him how to set it up. Luckily, Terje had said he would pay for Isak to have a premium account (Even suspected he was sick of hearing the advertisements coming from Isak’s speakers, or that he was hoping it would distract Isak from what was really going on between him and Marianne). 

Even pulled the laptop onto his lap, not missing the pout from Isak, before searching for his own profile through Isak’s account, “What are you doing?” Isak groaned. 

He followed himself from the account, and then clicked onto his most recent playlist that he had created an hour earlier - isak & even . A collaborative playlist, “I made this. We can both put our music into the same playlist, listen to it together and stuff,” he briefly explained. 

Isak tried to maintain his grumpy features but he was excited by that. 

Even had the idea the night before. He’d filled it with songs he could remember them both loving, even some songs they danced to as kids together. He figured they could keep it for a really long time and play it when they’re grown up and at parties they host together - he’d had the dream of them living together when they’re in university or when they’re adults working or something, so this playlist was for that, really. 

“I already put some stuff in it.” 

Isak moved the screen so he could see it, and smirked, “Tongue Tied ? Really?” 

“It’s a good song!”

Isak smirked. He knew he could finally make use of all those songs he googled to find. Since he was little, whenever he was feeling something very strongly, he would google or youtube search whatever he was feeling to find a song that would drown the feeling out. Now, he could put those songs in there so Even would know, without ever needing to talk about it. Even would say that’s not the healthy thing to do but it’s what he wanted. 

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

RIBS

by Lorde

you’re the only friend i need
sharing beds like little kids
and laughing ‘til our ribs get tough
but that will never be enough

April 2012

Isak always felt odd in other people’s houses. He was fine being in Even’s because it was practically his second home, but he’d only known Jonas for a little while so he was still feeling like a spare part in his room. He was glad it wasn’t just him there, they were having a “get together” - Jonas’ parents were out for the night so he was in charge of babysitting his little sister, so he decided to invite people over for a party.

It was kind of weird. Something made Isak feel more and more scared to be alone with a girl these days, but he didn’t really know what. His friends yearned for any moment alone whereas Isak found himself hiding in corners to avoid. 

There was an even split between boys and girls - he only knew Eva from the girls, he knew all their names but he’d never spoken to them, and the boys were his friends so it was just him, Even, Mahdi, Magnus, Jonas, and Elias, who was Jonas’ friend. Even couldn’t stand Elias, and he scared Isak a bit - he always commented on anything that Isak did and called him gay, and that f-word that Even told him not to say. 

There wasn’t anything planned for them to do, which was something that was unsettling to Isak, because he was now just watching everyone try to interact like it was one of those nature documentaries - Magnus kept trying to talk to the girls and they kept looking at him with that look ; Jonas kept trying to show Elias that he was older than he actually was; Sana and Noora were looking at the lot of them, just like Isak was; Mahdi was doing the same thing, but fiddling with his empty water bottle; and Even was just blindly sat next to him wondering when it was going to end. 

“Do you girls maybe want to play Truth or Dare ?” Magnus questions, standing to his feet, a smile growing on his lips. 

Vilde laughs to herself, “What are you, like ten?” She sits up, “Why don’t you get the water bottle and we can play spin the bottle?”

“Vilde, maybe we should go?” Noora asked, “We could make some food or something?”

“Nei! Don’t be boring, come on,” Vilde waves her hand dismissively, making grabbing hands towards Mahdi, he rolled his water bottle over to her, “Sit down in a circle, it’s not that scary.”

“I’m not getting involved,” Sana announces, “It’s stupid.”

“Yeah, Sana and I will just watch,” Noora says, “We’ll stay here,” they were both sitting on Jonas’ bed anyway.

The rest of them had already formed a somewhat circle, and Even was sitting beside Isak, which calmed him down a bit but it was still making his heart rate rocket at the concept of having to kiss a girl - he’d never thought much about how this would happen, he hated the idea.

Vilde was first to spin the bottle. 

It lands on Elias, and she leans over - Isak notices a particular twinkle in her eye, like she was excited at the concept of kissing an idiot - but maybe he was just biased to hate the guy who steals Jonas randomly from him from time to time and calls him gay in the process. 

It was quick. He heard a fast smacking of lips, and Elias chuckled as she leaned away from him - something about it made Isak feel uneasy - it didn’t look or sound fun at all. 

Elias had knelt over to go closer to her, so he stayed there to spin the bottle again. He seemed very pleased with himself after that which made Isak roll his eyes in his mind. 

It lands between Chris and Eva, so he leans over towards them both, “You can both have a half kiss, because the bottle decided against us tonight,” he pecks them both on the cheek before climbing back over to his seat. 

“Who goes now, then?” Mahdi says. 

“Eva can,” Chris smiles, “I think she enjoyed it more than I did.”

“You loved it,” Elias states, raising his chin at her.

Eva leans forward to reach the bottle and spin it. 

It spins slower that the others, before eventually landing on Even.

Something about it makes Isak panic but he hasn’t got time to understand it before Eva crawls over to in front of where Isak and Even were, and Even leans in and presses a softer kiss on her lips than Elias did with Vilde. 

Once she pulls away, she gets back to where she was sitting with Chris and Even has a small smile in his face as he spins the bottle. 

It stops on Isak. 

Shit .

“Have you rigged this Isak?” Elias cackles.

“You don’t have to, he’s a guy,” Mahdi says.

“No!” Vilde exclaims, “The bottle said Isak, don’t be a baby.”

Even goes back to where he sat before and looks over at Isak to check it was okay before he leans over, and Isak doesn’t know what to do, but still nods. Even takes that, and he leans into it.

Isak’s mouth was dry, and he tried to make sense of what was happening in the few seconds before it was happening. Even’s lips pressed against his for a few seconds, his hand held Isak’s upper arm and something about it felt warm and it wasn’t like he imagined it would be. He hadn’t thought about it before now, but he at the very least figured that his first kiss would be fireworks and butterflies and explosions, like all the films Even loved. It was small and slow, and warm. All Isak thought about was the warm feeling of it. 

His first kiss wasn’t the worst in the world.

.

now playing

• added by Art Vandeley •

MARY’S SONG (OH MY MY MY)

by Taylor Swift

she said, "i was seven, and you were nine
i looked at you like the stars that shined
in the sky, the pretty lights"
and our daddies used to joke about the two of us,
growing up and fallin' in love
and our mamas smiled, and rolled their eyes
and said, "oh, my, my, my"

take me back to the house in the backyard tree
said you'd beat me up; you were bigger than me
you never did, you never did
take me back when our world was one block wide
i dared you to kiss me, and ran when you tried
just two kids, you and i
oh, my, my, my, my

On the walk home, nothing felt different, which was something Isak had wondered about after it happened. It was dark by the time he and Even left, but it was only a five minute walk about to Isak’s house - they planned on sleeping there that night, like they both had told Liv that morning. 

“You got your first kiss then,” Even snickers. 

Isak bumps his shoulder, “Shut up,” he giggles. 

“You did! Could have been worse, you could have got Elias!”

“No thank you,” Isak widens his eyes, “Think I’d rather kiss you.”

He notices Even smiling to himself at that comment, but he doesn’t bring it up.

They don’t talk for a few moments after that, but then Even laughs and so Isak looks over at him, “What’s so funny?”

“My mamas did this, didn’t they?”

Isak bursts into laughter, “Don’t tell them, oh my God, they can’t be right about everything all the time, it’ll make their heads grow!”

Even’s mothers had always said Even and Isak would eventually fall in love. Isak’s parents didn’t really say it that often - when they were really little, Marianne would joke about it too, but it was very much a joke within the Bech-Naesheim household. Before either of them even knew what a kiss was, Even would tease Isak that if he didn’t do something, he would kiss him so Isak would run as fast as he could to get away from him. Even always thought that was where the joke started. Either way, it would be a secret held to Isak and Even’s grave - they could not allow Liv and Sofie to think they could be right one day. 

“It was only a kiss, it’s not like I dropped down to one knee,” Even says.

“I bet it was way worse for you, you’ve kissed people before,” Isak says, “Bet I was all over the place.”

Even rolls his eyes, “You didn’t have that much time to be bad, Is.”

A street light flickered as they walked and Isak kept an eye on his feet, making sure not to trip on his loose shoelace, “You complaining?”

Even looked up at him, a teasing look in his eye, and he dragged Isak by the arm into the park on the other side of the street, sitting them both down on the first bench he saw. 

“What are you doing?”

“Showing you that you’re not that bad!”

“Huh?”

“Ignore your head for a second, and I’ll redo your first kiss.”

“What?”

Even shakes his head, “Ignore your head. Is this okay?”

And Isak ignores his head, and Elias’ voice in his mind, so he nods yes.

Even connects their mouths, this time cupping Isak’s cheek with his hand, his fingers at the nape of Isak’s neck, letting himself play with the tufts of messy hair there. Isak’s eyes fall shut, unlike the first time, when his eyes were wide in surprise for the whole kiss. It was the feeling of being safe, Isak thinks. Even always was someone he was safe with, and this was no different. Even with his chapped lips and cold cheeks, he was still that warm feeling that Isak could only describe as safe - nobody managed to make him feel as safe as that. It wasn’t explosions like all of those stupid Nicholas Sparks movies that Even made him watch - it was this. This gentle safe feeling.

Even pulled apart, and let his hand fall from Isak’s face. 

“Still think you’re a bad kisser?” Even asks, his eyes half-lidded and his voice low and soft.

“Maybe a little less,” Isak smiled, “Thanks.”

“You know, one day, you’ll look at yourself the way I do,” Even comments, standing up from the bench, looking back at Isak over his shoulder as he starts to walk out the park, “I look forward to the day.”

May 2012

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND

by Taylor Swift

light pink sky up on the roof
sun sinks down, no curfew
twenty questions, we tell the truth
you’ve been stressed out lately? yeah me too
something gave you the nerve
to touch my hand, 
it’s nice to have a friend, ooh
it’s nice to have a friend, ooh

When Even had originally planned another camping night for him and Isak, he forgot about how much work it took to actually put up the tent. They did ‘camping nights’ a lot when they were younger - they’d set up a tent in Even’s grandparents’ garden and fill it with blankets, fairylights, snacks and pillows. They always tried to watch sitcoms on a laptop (Even said films were for indoors and sitcoms were for outside because they make you feel warmer). Isak usually got to pick the sitcom, because that was more his territory while Even knew more films. 

The tent took a solid half an hour to set up (Even resented the fact that it was his job) while Isak happily gathered everything they needed from the house. Luckily, Even found it hard to stay bitter once they were inside.

“I swear every time you pick Friends.”

“You love Friends !” Isak exclaims, quickly turning his head in defence. 

“I do, but what’s wrong with another sitcom just once?”

Isak groans, “It’s too much effort to set up How I Met Your Mother now…” 

“Why don’t we do a game instead for a bit?”

This somehow piques Isak’s interest, his competitive nature spilling out.

“'Tell me something I don’t’ ,” Even says, remembering the game they’d played for years. Once Isak had gone to a sleepover with a friend at Nissen, and they’d played 20 Questions , so when he got back - he tried to play it with Even but they knew too  much about each other for it to work - so they made up Tell Me Something I Don’t. In short terms, it’s a bulk of useless facts. 

“I’m too tired to use all my brain cells, Google some questions,” Isak rests his back on a big pillow they’d brought into the tent, and puts his legs over Even’s lap. 

“Okay, I found an article,” Even announces, “What’s your ideal pet?”

“Pet?” Isak repeats, “A cat, no question.”

Chuckling to himself, Even nods, “That’s only because you’re literally a cat.”

“Get your kink shit away from me, sir.”

“It’s not kink, it’s a fact!”

“Title of your screenplay.”

Even bursts into laughter, “Shut up, stupid. I think I’d like a dog.”

“You would.”

“What does that mean?”

.

“Who’s your oldest friend ?”

“Well, gee let me think. You need to find better questions,” Isak scrolls on his own phone, before eventually opening a new article, “I found one! It says it’s for films students so you’ll fit right in.”

He rolls his eyes, “I’m barely a film student.”

“You will be. What trope do you hate in romance films? ”

“Jesus, I hate enemies to lovers,” Even says, “Like I truly cannot stand it.”

Isak erupts, “What?” He sits up, “Enemies to lovers films are made for hopeless romantics like you!”

“The only exception is that Carry On book, I swear. I just think it’s a weird passion thing, like if I love someone, I couldn’t hate them. I could argue or fight with them and disagree but I couldn’t hate them. Like think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone I was close to.”

“I choose to not comment on your opinion. Mine is definitely love triangles. I can’t, it ruins the whole thing,” Isak crosses his legs, “Like, you’re trying to make me like this couple or soon-to-be couple, introducing a new partner that one of them will like better... I don't know, it just ruins the entire experience! Get the fuck away from my film,” Isak swats his hand through the air in disdain. 

Even sits amused for a second, “You’re very heated about this.”

“I just don’t get it, You can’t introduce this person who’s just better for the person-”

“Who says they’re better for them?”

“Look, if there’s a new person, you wouldn’t be interested in them at all if the original person was what you wanted.”

Trying to keep a straight face at his best friend’s sudden passion for defending romance films against the horror of love triangles, Even tries to correct him, “That’s not true - they might have just not realised the other person felt the same or something.”

Shaking his head, Isak begins to disagree, “If I’m in love with someone, I won’t be looking somewhere else, even if I didn’t know they felt the same.”

“Okay, Is. Last question, then.”

Isak unlocks his phone and scrolls for a while before settling on the last question, “ Do you want to get married one day? And do you want kids one day? ”

“Two in one,” Even smiles, “And yeah, I do.”

“You do?”

Even nods.

“I haven’t really thought that I’d get married or anything since I was really little.”

He looks back at Isak blankly, frowning slightly, “Why?”

Isak shrugs and Even can tell he’s holding something back from him, but he doesn’t push.

“I guess that would be nice, though. I hope I’ll have it one day.”

.

Isak’s eyes looked red - and Even’s own eyes felt like they were burning with how tired he was. They finally laid down amongst all the pillows and blankets, the laptop safely tucked away. Isak’s face was smushed into Even’s shoulder, so Even pulled an extra blanket around his shoulders so he wouldn’t be cold. 

In a moment of confidence, Even takes hold of Isak’s hand, before closing his eyes to sleep. 

He feels Isak squeeze his grip before he drifts off.

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

FRIENDS

by Ed Sheeran

but then again, if we're not friends
someone else might love you, too,
and then again, if we're not friends
there'd be nothing i could do, and that's why
friends should sleep in other beds,
and friends shouldn't kiss me like you do
and i know that there's a limit to everything,
but my friends won't love me like you
no, my friends won't love me like you do
oh, my friends will never love me like you

→ 13 and 15

June 2012

Isak was taking a nap when Even called. It was only 2pm, but he’d just finished the year at school, so he deserved a nap.

“I was sleeping so it better be good,” Isak announced into the receiver, his eyes still closed. 

“So on a scale from one to ten how much do you want to go to the woods behind the park?”

“About negative twenty.”

“Please, I need your help!”

Isak groans loudly, “But why?”

It’s quiet on Even’s end.

“Ev?”

“Just be quick!”       

And that was that. 

.

Somehow he found himself walking between the trees and calling Even’s name like a horror film waiting to happen, and quite frankly with Even, he wasn’t quite convinced that it wasn’t a horror film. 

“You made it!” Even exclaims. He’s sat on a tree stump, holding something against his hoodie which Isak noticed was one that Even had conveniently misplaced in the last week or so - it was the hoodie Even always stole from his wardrobe whenever he was at Isak’s house. 

“What the fuck is that?”

Isak saw something tiny and brown and furry.

“It’s a little kitten, I saw her running across the road and she ran in here and looked alone and hurt,” he explains, uncovering the animal to show Isak, “She won’t walk on one of her legs.”

It looked a few months old - maybe around 10 weeks. It had big blue eyes and had entirely dark brown fur, with some patches of light brown on the belly and paws. It was cute if nothing else.

Isak picked up on Even’s words, “She ?”

“Yes, she ,” Even handed the kitten to Isak, who cupped his hands and the kitten rested into Isak’s arms easily, smelling the new clothing as she settled, “Check yourself if you don’t believe me.”

“I named her Pebbles.”

Isak chuckles, “Why Pebbles?”

“When she ran across the street, there were so many pebbles by the gate for the park, so her name is Pebbles now,” Even says.

“Okay, Pebbles it is,” Isak nods, “So why am I here?” Isak brushes his thumb over the kitten’s forehead, smiling as she purrs at him. 

“Because I love her and I want to keep her,” Even says quickly.

Isak laughs.

“I don’t care, I love her.”

“She might be micro-chipped or something, we’ll have to check with your mum, could she take her to work or something?” Sofie, one of Even’s mothers, was a vet - Isak was sure she would know what to do with a hurt cat like this.

Even’s brow furrows, “We can look after her for a little while though, it’s Saturday. Just for the day.”

“Okay.”

.

“You know, you’re a pretty good cat dad, Is.”

They were both sitting against the same tree, the kitten pushing her face against Isak’s fingertips so he would keep stroking her, “I’m not a cat dad,” he scoffs, “I’m a cat uncle if anything.”

“No you’re a cat dad, and I’m her cat dad too.”

Isak doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say a word but something about it made him feel good, like his insides were melting. 

“One day you could get a cat with your partner.”

“Uh,” Isak stammers, and then nods, “Sure.” He doesn’t miss how Even says partner instead of wife, he knows he wanted to say wife but didn’t because he knew Isak better than Isak did.

“You don’t think you will?”

He shrugs, “It’s not that I don’t think I will, more that I just can’t see it happening.”

“You’re a catch, you’ll meet someone.”

“You think?”

“They’ll be lucky, you’re my favourite person.”

“Ditto,” Isak smiles up at him.

Even catches his line of sight, and Isak notices how his eyes flicker over his face, almost like he was memorising Isak like he hadn’t before - like he was seeing him for the first time. Isak didn’t pay it much attention, and didn’t pay enough attention to see that Even was leaning closer towards him, not until he was a few centimetres away from him. This was the first time Even was initiating anything without an excuse - no spin the bottle, no making Isak’s first kiss better, nothing. Just wanting to kiss Isak and doing it. 

And so their lips met, and Isak’s eyes closed. He felt Even’s hand on his cheek, he could hear his heartbeat - he was nervous, Isak could tell. Maybe he was scared of Isak’s reaction, maybe he wanted something too. Maybe he knew Isak had those feelings inside. The kiss is soft and firm all at once, and it feels warm. It’s a nice feeling. 

They pull away afterwards and they smile. They don’t panic or apologise, they don’t say a word about it, they just carry on.

.

Isak’s phone dings on the bedside table where it was plugged in that night. 

Even  
Today, 22:03

mama says pebbles is fine, just
a pulled muscle or something

she said pebbles might have been
from running from a car 

she’s only little so running too fast
when she’s scared might have hurt
her leg

oh that’s good then

yeah she said she’s rang a rescue
centre for her

usually kittens like her are adopted in
a few weeks there

she’s going to drop her there on monday

you have a bit of time with her
then :)

we can play with her tomorrow if
you want? 

i can pick up some toys and food

sounds good!!

Isak doesn’t reply after that, until an hour later.

Even  
Today, 23:17

you’ll meet someone one day is

you’ll be a great cat dad and a real dad

i need you to know that

thanks for letting me be a cat dad for
today

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

GLUE

by Fickle Friends

cool yourself down, i think i'm getting stuck
i think i'm getting hooked on you
your cheeks are so warm and mine are glowing too
yeah, i can feel our lips like glue
so, what are we thinking, and what are we here to prove?
let's stop being public, i guess we should get a room
oh, i don't believe it, yeah, i think I have a screw loose
i think you have a screw loose too
so ooh, because our lips are like glue
i think i love you

→ 21 and 23

June 2020

The bar was mostly empty, just Magnus, Jonas, Mahdi, Isak, and a few others. Even could probably count them all on two hands. So, he figured that he could take a break, he knew someone else was on shift in the back anyway, so if there was a rush, he could go back to help. He makes his way over to the boys and sits down in the booth next to Mahdi. 

“It’s pretty dead tonight, huh?” Isak comments, looking around. 

Even had worked here since his second year of university so it’d been a year or so now. It was funny at the time, both he and Isak had gotten the two most opposite jobs on the same day, Even as a bartender in a gay bar, and Isak, behind the counter at a bakery. Even had laughed about how much it fit them both at the time. 

“Why don’t we ever do exciting stuff anymore?” Magnus says, face in his hands, “We never do shit, it’s why we’re sat in the saddest bar I’ve ever seen.”

“We go out, we just barely hook up and you’re horny,” Jonas states dryly. 

“Same thing,” Magnus rolls his eyes, “None of us hook up ever. I can’t remember the last time Even had anybody with him, I’ve not been with anyone for months, Mahdi’s been with Lily for a hot minute and Jonas is busy crying over Eva,” he recaps.

Jonas scoffs, “I’m not crying over Eva.”

“What about me?” Isak says looking around.

“You hook up,” Mahdi points out. 

Even sniggers to himself, and Isak pushes his shoulder. 

“What, so I’m just a slut?”

“Don’t be stupid, you’ve only slept with like three people in your life,” Jonas laughs, “You’ve just slept with someone more recently than the Heartbreak Club.”

“Don’t include me in your stupid club, I was over Vilde within a month. Problem is it’s been a year now and I want to go out,” Magnus replies, “It’s Isak, too, aren’t you tired of only having the cat in your room at night?”

The cat was a whole thing . 

Even and Noora had become university students at the same time. The original plan was to move closer to the university for the first year, just Even and Noora, and they talked about it more and it ended up with both of them commuting to classes from home for the first year, deciding to wait for Isak to move. When they began their second year, they found an apartment building with two apartments open which was perfect because it was when Jonas and Isak were starting their first year at the same university. So Jonas and Isak lived in one apartment, and Even and Noora lived in another. 

The cat, however, was something Jonas found asleep in the lift every single time he had a late study session in the library at school. So eventually, he started feeding him at home until Isak fell in love with him and now he lives with them. Every once in a while, they have to hide him when there’s checks on the apartment ( mainly because the building at a no pets policy ). So, in summary, Isak has a cat. 

“I’m cool with sharing with Benji, I’ve always made that clear.”

“And Benji’s in there whether he’s got someone with him or not,” Even points out, “The amount of times I’d wake up thinking he was trying to wake me up because I’d hear little cute names and he was just talking to the cat.” 

Mahdi scoffed, “I make Lily kick her dog out whenever I sleep over there.”

“You’re stronger than me, Mahdi,” Even deadpans. 

“For the record I want it known I’m fine with the Eva thing,” Jonas states.

Isak groans, “It’s been a few months, you’re meant to be getting back on your feet,” Jonas rolls his eyes at Isak, “Maybe it’s time Mags forces you out to hook up with someone.” 

“What about Even?”

“Don’t drag me into this.”

“Have you been with anyone since Isak?”

“Not really?” Even tries to act deep in thought, he knew for a fact he hadn’t. He and Isak had broken up last August, so it has been about ten months now. 

“Why? You’re hotter than the rest of us!” 

Nobody fights with that comment, to his surprise.

“Who am I going to meet? I know everyone on my course at school now, I work in a gay bar and I think we’ve established I have bad taste in men,” Even explains. 

Isak splutters, and Jonas pats Isak’s shoulder, “Ouch. Well, I’m not surprised, you went for Isak’s ugly mug.”

→ 13 and 15

August 2012

Something was going on with Isak.

Even always knew when something was happening with his best friend. Marianne used to call it his motherly instincts because Even had them just as strongly as she did when it came to her son; he could always tell when Isak was going to fall off of his bike before he even hit the ground; he could always tell when Isak was sad or felt sick. 

The alarm bell in his head was going off a lot recently. 

Isak was distancing himself a bit. He was getting closer to Jonas and Eva while Even had started talking to a girl called Sonja at his school. She was really cool - she liked the things Even loved that Isak didn’t know much about. At first, he thought Isak might be jealous that she was getting more of his time, but it wasn’t like they were together or anything. 

Tonight Isak and Even were both at Eva’s for a party, there were only about six people here and it wasn’t too late, maybe 21:00. Isak had disappeared to get a drink a while ago. Even had promised Terje to keep an eye on Isak as he was only 13, so he made a mental note to keep an eye on Isak’s drinks, he assumed there would be alcohol here but it wasn’t like they would all get black-out drunk on Eva’s mother’s wine. He wasn’t drinking anyway, he'd promised his mum not to drink while he was still getting used to taking pills for his bipolar - it had been less than a year since they’d even managed to get the diagnosis so he wasn’t going to test the pills with alcohol yet.

He eventually found Isak sitting in Eva’s garden - she had a huge garden but Isak was sitting on the gravel in the middle of it, cross-legged and looking up at the sky. Even sat down next to him, “Hei.”

Isak threw him a smile, and he was swaying a little bit so Even could tell he had been drinking more than he should have. 

“You want to go home?” 

Isak shook his head, “Not yet,” he says, trying to be quiet but it ended up being nearly the same as his regular voice, “Where’s Sonja ?”

“She doesn’t know anyone here, Is, why would she be here?”

“I’d come if I was your girlfriend,” he sat petulantly. 

“She’s not my girlfriend, Isak,” Even tells him, “Why don’t we go get some water?”

Isak cleared his throat, “No,” he groans, “You don’t get it. She’s someone. You met someone.”

“Did you think I’d be alone forever?”

His head shook, “You can’t do that.”

“Do what, Isak? You’re not making any sense,” He notices how his hands were rubbing over his arms, it looked like he was trying to calm down but he just couldn’t do it alone.

“Forget it. I have to tell you a secret,” He waves his hand to beckon Even to come closer, so he went with it and pressed his ear closer to Isak’s mouth, “My mum doesn’t like me.” 

“She love you, Is,” Even comforts, putting his arm around Isak, “She’s just going through some stuff, okay? Just like I did, and you know I never stopped loving people just because I-”

“I used to believe you when you said that, you know?” Isak scoffs, “Why did you lie to me? I was just a kid.”

“I didn’t lie. I’ve never lied to you. I love you, and your mama loves you.”

“You met someone.”

Isak looks over at him and meet’s Even’s eyes, and he couldn’t see anything mistrusting in them. He hated that. 

“I promise you,” Even swore, “I’ve never lied to you.” 

With no warning, Isak lurches forward, and meets Even’s lips with his own. There’s nothing spectacular or good about it, like he was sure there would be, it didn't feel like it felt last time. It’s clumsy and it tastes of old wine. It doesn’t taste like it before, and he can’t feel the sides of Even’s lips turning up in a smile like before. He feels Even’s hands on his chest, and he’s pushed off of him after a few seconds. 

Isak jumps to his feet, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and he runs. He doesn’t stop for his name being called over and over. 

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

EVEN IF IT’S A LIE

by Matt Maltese

i know that you can feel me,
tell me that you don't love me
but say it one more time
i'm going darling, i'll step lightly
live on as if you still love me
just say it one more time,
even if it's a lie, even if it's a lie

October 2012

Tonight was the first time they’d spent the night together in a while. Isak was spending a lot of time with Jonas these days. Even when he wasn’t with Jonas, Even would be busy with Sonja. Tonight, they’d planned Film Friday - they both had skipped out on it for weeks and were feeling guilty. 

So tonight was long-awaited. 

Film Friday had a no-phone policy anyway - so it was the first real time they spent together in a long time.  

It was quite late now. Even’s room had its own television where they could keep playing films until they fell asleep, but when it was nearing 2am, they decided to turn it off. Isak was laid next to Even in the loft bed when he started breathing heavier than usual, he was almost certain his best friend was seconds away from being asleep. The quilt was tucked underneath Even’s chin and it was dark, but he could still see movement from behind Even’s eyes, meaning he wasn’t quite asleep. He decided to take his moment. 

“Ev, I think I might be gay.”

Even’s eyes opened slowly, and he took Isak’s hand in his, “That’s okay. That’s cool,” he smiles, “Thank you for telling me.”

They still hadn’t spoken about the kiss. Or kisses, for that matter. Neither of them wanted to bring it up so it was just a forgotten event. Even didn’t dare to mention it in case it upset Isak and Isak didn’t want the awkwardness of his drunken mistake, it took him a while to even understand why he did it. He still wasn’t sure. He barely even knew if it was jealousy of Sonja or if it was because Even was the only person on Earth he trusted. 

“I’m pansexual,” Even says. 

Isak’s brow furrowed in confusion, “What’s that?”

“I can like anyone, it doesn’t really matter if they’re a certain gender to me,” he explains, “Speaking of that, though, I asked Sonja to be my girlfriend.”

Looking down at the quilt, Isak nods as his throat goes dry.

“We’re properly together now,” and Isak forces a smile out. He knew it was coming. Even had met Sonja at school, and they’d started talking more and more since July, Isak remembered because it was summer and he couldn’t stop talking about her and Isak couldn’t blame him, she was everything he wasn’t.

“When did you,” he pauses, trying to get the words out, “When did you do it?”

“A few days ago.”

Isak scratched his cheek, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay first,” Even tells him.

“I’m not a kid, Even.”

He lets go of his hand as Even continues, “No, but you’re Isak. You’re my best friend and you mean a lot to me.”

“And you need to look after me.”

“Isak.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m glad. You’re good together.”

They’re both quiet for a little while, but eventually they forget the tense feeling in the bed, and Even takes hold of Isak’s hand again before closing his eyes to go to sleep. 

Isak hates that this is the closest he’ll ever be to Even.

He hates that he keeps snapping at Even like it’s his fault.

That he keeps getting angry that he won’t love him back.

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

STILL

by Daughter

it's spiraling down
biting words like a wolf howling
hate is spitting out each others mouths
but we're still sleeping like we're lovers
still with feet touching
still with eyes meeting
still our hands match
still with hearts beating

November 2012

The sky was clear.

There were what looked like thousands of stars - and even Isak could see how pretty it was. Even Isak, who spent hours looking at constellations and knew the only stars he saw were long-dead fireballs of death and despair.

Even he could see the beauty in the sky. 

He and Even were sitting on the rooftop wall of the community centre. They used to go there as children to paint and play, and they found out recently how to get to the roof. It was a new, nice thing for them - they didn’t get much of that recently. Both of them were starting to forget how to talk to each other while also talking too much in the process. 

It was scary for them. It was new territory to say the least.

It made Isak think a little too much. He’d been overthinking a lot recently, which made everything that little bit harder. Marianne was beginning to show more and more symptoms that he didn’t really understand, he’d been meaning to talk to Even about it for a while now. 

“Ev?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Even hums in response in approval. 

Isak is quiet to try and pick his words, “What’s your depression like?”

“Oh,” He’s taken aback for a moment, “Well, you’ve seen it. You know about as much as I do,” He shifts his weight to face Isak a bit more before thinking about the things he had seen of Even, “You were there when I first went to hospital and you’ve been to all my hospital appointments. You’ve seen too many waiting rooms.”

“No, I’m not asking what it is, I want to know how it feels, like what is it like?”

“Well, it’s different for everyone, Is. For me, it’s like I’m numb. The only thing I feel is guilt and shame - it feels like you’re a burden but all these things pile on top of each other so you just feel like you need to be feeling bad. Because all of this stuff is in your head but you’re numb as well. It’s hard to explain. You can feel how awful it is, but you also can’t. It’s weird,” he explains, trying to make Isak understand something he hoped Isak wouldn’t need to “The physical stuff goes with it and intensifies it as well - so you’re laid in the same spot for so long, so you feel sweaty and gross and it hurts and it’s uncomfortable - that makes you feel worse but you can’t stop it.”

Isak reaches over to Even to touch his hand, not wanting him to think about it because of him. 

“For me, it’s particularly bad because it’s usually right after I’ve been manic. Not always, though,” he offers Isak a weak smile, “I sleep a lot, and it makes you more tired the more sleep you get. I get more nightmares when I’m depressed - I think the only times I’ve ever had a nightmare has been when I’ve been depressed that I can remember.”

Isak thinks about the times Marianne would wake up from night terrors, screaming for his dad to help her. She used to tell him when he was younger that she would dream about her worst nightmare on a loop, it was where she would live exactly how her life is, but nobody knew her or recognised her. 

“It might be different for your mama, Isak.”

“I know I was there, but how did you think your mamas handled it?”

Even smiled at the memory, which was so good to see for Isak. He remembered how Even didn’t talk for days when he was in hospital, how he slept and refused to eat or talk or even give a sign he was going to be okay. Isak knew now that he just couldn’t, but at the time, he thought something had broken inside his best friend - or something was taken from Even that he would never get back, and Isak was wrong. He’d never been so glad to be wrong, “My mamas were great. I never meant to be bad towards them - I just couldn’t-”

“I know.”

“But they always were just there. Like you were. They hugged me a lot, and were just there.”

Isak stared at his hands.

“You’re thinking about your parents, right?”

“Maybe,” he smiled.

He had been.

He’d noticed years ago that his parents were different to Even’s.

Marianne had been starting to show symptoms for a few years now, but she wasn’t medicated so it was only getting worse. It meant she couldn’t be the mother that she wanted to be and Isak knew that. He couldn’t be angry at her for that - Even helped a lot with learning how she couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard she tried.

Terje was another story. He’d been starting a lot of fights, screaming at Marianne, which made her worse. He kept skipping in and out on things Isak needed from him.

His sister had left a month ago; Even had been his rock as usual. She hadn’t spoken to Isak since, really. Isak hadn’t been sleeping lately because he thought it could be the start of his family falling apart.

“No matter what happens at home, I’m not going anywhere. You know that, right?”

Isak shuffles closer to Even, resting his head on his shoulder and shutting his eyes for a moment. He’d known this was where he was safe all his life, but it was still nice to feel it. When Even had started spending more time with Sonja, he couldn’t decide if he was angry at her or him. He couldn’t blame Sonja, Even was the one who was forgetting about him. But moments like these remind him he can’t stay angry at Even for liking someone else. Not when Even didn’t even know he felt like this.

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

HEATHER

by Conan Gray

why would you ever kiss me?
i’m not even half as pretty
you gave her your sweater, 
it’s just polyester, but you like her better
i wish i was heather

.

“I told Sonja I loved her last night.”

Isak’s mouth goes dry, and he continues to  scratch the back of his hand with more pressure than he was before, “Last night?” He thinks of how they slept in the same bed last night - they’d watched Bob’s Burgers for hours before falling asleep, tangled up in each other’s space. 

Even nods, “She was really happy, she said it back,” there was a huge smile on his face, and Isak didn’t have it in him to even bring up that it had only been four weeks, “Mama said it was a bit quick, but I guess when you know, you know? You get what I mean?”

“Not really, but sure.”

“Oh, yeah, duh. Sorry for talking so much about girls, you must hate that, but you’ll meet someone like her one day,” He could feel a wave of anger pass over him but not because Even had her, it was because it was condescending, wasn’t it? Maybe? He hated how Even could just say Isak couldn’t comprehend this. This, like it was something elite, something above him. Almost like Isak hadn’t been feeling it for years. “We could double date!” Even still had that smile on his face. 

Isak feels sick.

Maybe this was the start of Even liking being around Sonja more than him.

Maybe there was nothing he could do about it. 

“I think I’m going to tell her about my bipolar.”

“Yeah?” He’s thankful for shift in conversation - at least they’re not talking about double dating anymore. Noticing Even’s silence, Isak looks back to meet his eyes, and sees the uncertainty behind them. “She’ll understand. She’s smart, and nice, she’ll still like you, don’t worry about that,” he gives his best friend a reassuring smile, and then realises his mistake, “She’ll still love you.” He says it to make Even happy, because he cares about that still. Even if it burns.

“I hope so. She’s just really perfect, Is. She’s so good to me,” he looks up at the sky as he talks about her, like she put those stars up there just for him, “I don’t know if she’d see me differently if she knew.”

“Different?”

He nods, looking back down to Isak, “I’m crazy. That’s something to make you look at someone differently.”

“You’re not crazy, don’t talk about yourself like that,” Isak reminds him, he’d always been in the habit of never snapping at Even when he spoke so badly about himself. It really helped to have someone just remind him that those things weren’t true, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “You wouldn’t say that about someone else.”

Even shrugs his shoulders.

“What about Mama? When I came to you when she thought I was a stranger and she was throwing plates at the walls and she accidentally hit me with a few, you didn’t call her crazy, did you?”

“Course not,” he says.

“You’re no different. You’re just Even - you’re the Even I’ve depended on since I was a baby. You’ve looked out for me forever, and if you were crazy, you wouldn’t do that. She’s lucky you love her. If she’s any sense, she’ll still love you after you tell her. You don’t have to tell her, but if you want to, she won’t see you differently if she has common sense.”

He smiles, “Thanks, Is.”

→ (almost) 15 and 17

May 2014

When Isak had woken up that morning, he didn’t expect to see Even. He knew Even had a therapy appointment that morning so Isak let himself sleep in, as that is God-given right on a Saturday. Well, not God-given but still. Either way he didn’t expect to be woken up by Even shaking him awake. 

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!”

“No, it’s night time,” he grumbled, squeezing his eyes closed to grasp anything resembling sleep. 

Even pulls back the quilt covering Isak, “Come on, I have a birthday present for you…”

“My birthday isn’t for another month .”

“It’s an early one for tonight, I didn’t think it would arrive on time but it did.”

Isak groans to himself, but sits up in bed, making grabbing hands at Even to pass him the glass of water on his bedside table. He sips it slowly before gulping it down in bigger gulps until it’s gone. Even then hands him an envelope, it’s covered in doodles of birthday presents and balloons, and his name is written in big bubble writing on the back.

“I even decorated it just for you.”

“I can see that.”

“Open it, open it, Is!”

He tears it open and pulls out two concert tickets. He scans them over, his jaw dropping to see Troye Sivan’s name titling them, “I thought you said-”

“It was my way of keeping the surprise! I’d already bought them, I bought these months ago but they only arrived this morning, I was on the phone to the ticket people yesterday because the concert is literally tonight and they hadn’t gotten here yet,” Even began to ramble. 

Isak goes quiet, a warm feeling shooting through every inch of his body, “Thank you, Ev, but wouldn’t this be good for you and Sonja?”

“I want to go with you, stupid, Sonja doesn’t get stuff like this. Not like you do anyway,” he says, sitting down on the bed with him.

“You should try more with her, it’s dumb for you to be in love with someone and not think she should get stuff because she doesn’t understand it.”

Even scoffs, “It’s not that she doesn’t understand stuff, it’s that she only cares about me not being manic,” he rolls his eyes in a gruff, “It’s like she doesn’t care about me, she only cares if I’m stable. Like that’s her job or something.”

“She cares about you, stupid. She just shows it in the wrong way for you.”

“You know, you’re most annoying when you’re right.”

“Always then?”

Even chuckles to himself, “Tonight it’s just us, though.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT

by Relient K

if anyone can make me a better person, you could
all i gotta say is, i must've done something good
i came along one day and you rearranged my life
all i gotta say is, i must've done something right
i must've done something right

.

They spent the night closer than usual. Isak was used to the tactile nature of his best friend - and he also knew a concert with Even would simply amplify that by about a hundred. Somehow they spent the night with floor tickets, they were stood almost two thirds of the way back so it wasn’t too packed, therefore they could spin around and move without bumping into everyone around them. 

When Heaven started, Isak didn’t expect it to hit him as much as it did - so far, Isak had only told Even that he liked boys - he had no idea if Even had told Sonja, but he hoped he hadn’t. He prayed that he hadn’t told her about how he tried to kiss her boyfriend - he supposed that Even kind of had to, but if he did, Isak didn’t want to know about it. 

There was something about being packed full in a room with probably the majority of people surrounding him being queer, and he was allowed to just exist within that. There was something about him not being worried about it for once, and having Even all around him - the only person he ever felt safe with - was there with him in that moment, and the lights were rainbow-coloured, people were screaming the lyrics of being able to live how they were and it was hitting Isak all at once. 

Even’s hand took hold of Isak’s, and he raised one arm in the arm, entwining their fingers and swaying with him, “You’re okay?” he yelled into his ear. 

He feels Even swiping Isak’s cheek, not even noticing the tears that had fallen from his eyes, “Yeah, I’m really good!”

Even kisses Isak’s cheek, and he can feel the skin burning.

.

They were both high with adrenaline that night. They’d walked for 45 minutes to get their energy out before ultimately finding themselves back in Even’s bedroom. 

“So you cried,” Even mentions, smile pulling at his lips. 

“Shut up,” Isak rolls his eyes.

“I just wanted to know why! Was it the beautiful smell of BO from the parents in the merchandise queue? Or the banner that fell from the stands before we got there? Or-”

“No, Jesus Christ , Even,” Isak sits down on Even’s bed, crossing his legs, “I’ve just not been around many gay people before, that’s all.”

Isak fiddles with his fingers as Even looks over at him, “Oh. Maybe you should try and do that more.”

“How?” He laughs, “You hate me going to bars.”

“Yes, because you’re tiny.”

“I’m not tiny!”

“No, you’re not, I’m teasing,” Even sits down beside him, “You’re around me . Do I count?”

He smiles, looking up from his fingers, “I’ve been around you everyday for all my life, you don’t count. When I think of you, I don’t think pansexual.”

“What do you think?” 

Isak is silent. Not allowing himself to speak, he picks up Even’s guitar that he discarded at the side of his bed last night. Isak tries to strum the strings, but ends up putting more power in the top strings, making it sound much louder and uglier than he thought it would.

“I’ll teach you, stupid, come here,” Even sits closer to him, allowing the body of the guitar to sit on Isak’s lap while the neck is closer to himself, “Pinch your fingers together, and strum down,” Even forms a chord on the strings as he guides Isak’s hand.

Isak smiles at the sound - it’s so much better like this. Even carries on forming different chords, and he hums along. Isak doesn’t recognise the tune of it, but it’s his favourite song either way. 

“We’re not a commercial for anyone else ,” Even softly says, not letting himself sing it in front of Isak. He waits for Isak to strum the next chord before continuing with the next line, “We go out for coffee, and keep to ourselves. ”

Isak picks up on the song from that, strumming as he whispers, “ We make little homes ,” he strums again, “Out of 3-star hotels .”

“You can sing, why do you never sing?”

“Because I can’t sing!”

“I’ve heard you sing, just sing the last bit. For me.”

“And I know what you’re feeling ,” he sings it, and he’s never sang in front of someone since he was so little. He would sing and perform in the living room, with his grandma sitting on the sofa and watching him, he only did it to see the huge smile on her face. 

“Cause I feel it as well .”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

for him.

by Troye Sivan

you don’t have to say “i love you” to say i love you,
forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons
we’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue,
sickeningly sweet like honey, don’t need money
all i need is you
all i need is you

→ 16 and 18

December 2015

It was really late.

And fucking cold.

Even had been driving around the city for hours looking for Isak. He’d woken up to Isak crying down the phone that everything had gone to hell at home, but he’d hung up before Even could respond, but Even could just about hear that Isak was outside somewhere - he could hear loud music and voices in the background. 

He’d been into about fifteen bars looking for him, and about ten cafés that were still open, for some reason. For all knew, Isak could be at a party or something.

He was getting more and more worried, and he was running out of ideas to find him. The stress of that was enough on its own without Sonja ringing him every two minutes, convinced that looking for Isak in the dead of the night was a sign of mania. He couldn’t remember when he started feeling like he couldn’t breathe around her but it was definitely a feeling he had now. 

“Sonja, stop calling me!” He snaps into the phone, hurriedly walking down a street, poking his head down any alley he comes across. 

He hears a laugh on the receiver, “Uh, not Sonja, my name is Eskild. I’m here with Isak, and your contact was under his emergency contact. I was expecting a worried mother.”

Even’s eyes widen, “Oh, hi! Hi, is he okay? I’ve been looking for him for hours, driving everywhere.”

“He’s fine, I’ve been sat with him for hours because he's not old enough to be in a bar and I didn’t want anything to happen to him,” Eskild explains, and he can hear music in the back of the phone call like he had when Isak called earlier, “He’s pretty drunk and he’s cried a bit, but he’s alright. He really doesn’t want to go home, could you take him somewhere safe? I have a sofa at my place if not.”

“I can come get him, I don’t live with him. Where are you?”

“Uh, I can walk him outside for you, I’ll text you the address of the street.”

“Perfect, I’ll be there as quickly as I can.”

He glances back down at the text his mothers had texted him so they knew Isak was safe. He knew Sofie had to be back from Isak’s by now, so he typed quickly as he got an address from Isak’s phone, so he ran in that direction of where he parked, as the bar was about ten minutes away.

☆ Bech-Næsheim Family ☆
Today, 19:38

Mama

Just got off the phone with Terje

He’s said he’s left with all his stuff 
and he’s staying a hotel until he finds
somewhere 

Mum’s still at the house x

Mum

Just walking back now

Marianne’s locked all the doors, I had
to use our key

She’s not very responsive, I asked about
Isak and she said he was in his room but
there’s no sign of him there baby

Even

i can’t find him anywhere, he’s not
where we usually go

trying all the bars and places like that

fucking sonja keeps calling and
screaming at me that i'm slipping

Mum

Deep breaths love

You're not slipping, you're completely
okay, she's wrong, alright? 

Isak will be completely fine, and you’ll
find him, you always do

You’ll stress yourself out if you let her
get to you, just take a deep breath

Mama

Text us when you find him so we know
you’re safe

☆ Bech-Næsheim Family ☆
Today, 22:01

Even 

i found him, he’s at a bar

someone called me from his phone

he’s safe, i’m on my way now

Mama

That’s good sweetheart, bring him
back to ours x

.

Even manages to make it there within five minutes in the car, he pulls over when he sees Isak, sitting on the curb with a boy sitting beside him. He quickly takes his own hoodie off and wraps it around Isak before helping him stand, “You alright? You’re going to be fine, Is, I promise. You can come to mine, you don’t need to go back, hm?”

Isak nods as well as he can, leaning his head against Even’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, so much,” He says, shaking Eskild’s hand, who had stood up to greet him, “Sorry I’m Even, I think I forgot to say, usually I’m a hugger but-”

“No worries, no worries,” Eskild laughs along, “Are you his boyfriend, then?”

He shakes his head, “No, uh, I’m his best friend, we’ve been best friends since we were tiny.”

“How nice,” he smiles, “I’m actually glad he came in here, I’m Noora’s roommate so I already knew who Isak was.”

“Oh ! Thanks, so you got here before-”

“I think he’d been here for a few hours but nobody’s come on to him or anything, he was in the corner before - I looked after him until I figured he needed to get some rest - I was going to let him stay at mine but it looks like you have that covered.”

“Yeah, some stuff went down at his house,” Even didn’t want to go too much into detail, wary of the fact Eskild actually knew Isak.

Eskild nods understandingly, “Course, yes, he said what happened a bit, about his dad and mama.”

“I’m really sorry, I best get him back.”

“Yes, yes, off you go Superman,” Eskild shoos him away, “Make sure he gets some water.”

He nods, “I have some water in the car, thanks again, it was nice to meet you - bye Eskild.”

.

Isak ends up making him drive around for a while, he’d barely spoken other than that. They end up sitting in the car outside Even’s house. 

“Why did you get me?”

“I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

“You found me,” Isak says softly, looking at his hands like he couldn’t bear to look at Even. Like it hurt, “You always find me,” but his voice doesn’t match his eyes - he looked sad but sounded bitter and resentful.

“I spent hours all over looking.”

“Am I meant to say thanks?” Isak’s head whips up in retaliation, like he was ready for a fight that wasn’t there.

Even pauses, “What? What’s going on?”

“You kissed me. That’s what’s going on. You kept kissing me, randomly . You were my first kiss and then my second and third and then you fell in love with someone. Now you like her better,” he mutters the last part to himself, like he didn’t want Even to know he knew that. He cleared his throat before finally saying,  “You fell in love with someone and you don’t get that it hurts.”

“Isak, stop-” 

“No, you don’t get this. You’re not mine but I’ve always been yours and you know that- you’re everyone else’s, you always have been and I’m tired!”

“Is-”

“No, Even! I’m tired. That’s what this is, okay? Okay ?” he was out of breath, “I’m tired of being sad all the time, I’m tired of never sleeping. Tired of my mum and dad being like this. I’m sick of being on my own.”

Even hums, and keeps his gaze on Isak, anxious about what to do. He’d never not known how to act around Isak before. Isak sniffs, wiping underneath his eyes with the sleeve of the hoodie Even gave him to wear. Even takes that as a sign of Isak calming down, “Come here,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around Isak’s neck in a hug. It’s awkward because they're in his car and it’s cramped and cold, but it helps. He hopes it helps. 

When they pull away, Even rests his forehead against Isak’s, they did this a lot as kids. Isak had started doing it again when Even started showing his symptoms of bipolar, for some reason it made him calm down a lot faster than any technique that therapists and doctors gave him. 

Isak’s eyes finally lift back up once they pull apart and Even puts his forehead back on Isak’s, whispering, “No.”

He pulls back quickly, turning his head to the window, “Why don’t you want me?” He refused to look back at Even. 

“Is-”

“Let’s just get some sleep,” he says, opening the car door and walking up the steps Even’s house.

.

Once they’re both in Even’s bed, he’s thankful that Isak goes straight to sleep. 

He looks around his bedroom to try and ease his own mind into rest - he’d put some pills on his desk with some water for Isak to take in the morning. Hopefully in the morning, Isak will tell him what happened at home so they can sort it out or just talk about it, at least. He hated seeing Isak like he was tonight. Come to think of it, he hated a lot about tonight. He hated Isak’s voice questioning why he wasn’t wanted. He was. Everything about Even yearned for Isak, and he didn’t know why he couldn’t just tell him. But he just couldn’t. 

Even decides to check his alarm was set for the morning, and then opens Sonja’s contact on iMessage. 

Sonja 

i need to talk to you about us. 

He doesn’t send it. He presses the backspace and deletes it all, then he locks his phone and closes his eyes, feeling the phone pressing against his chest like it scolded him for doing it. 

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

SHIVER

by Lucy Rose

and i loved the way you looked at me
and i miss the way you made me feel
when we were alone 
when we were alone
and i’ll shiver like i used to
and i’ll leave him just for you
and i’ll shiver like i used to
just for you

→ 21 and 23

June 2020

“Maybe you don’t date because of Isak…” Magnus suggests, eyes squinting in suspicion.

Mahdi scoffs, “How could he still be hung up on him? He would have exploded, they spend every day together - he would’ve at least told one of us.”

He was right. They did spend everyday together - like they’d promised they would when they broke up. To be fair, it probably had more to do with the fact that they were so used to it since they were little, and now they lived so close together, it was hard to not spend everyday together. Admittedly they only lived that close together because they moved into the apartments while they were still together. Even had even signed up for his teaching course while in Kollektivet and he discussed it there with Isak’s roommates, especially with Noora who was starting her journalism course at the same time as his teaching course started, which was why they ended up living together. 

“I don’t stop him from doing shit, I’ve helped him find people before!” Isak exclaims. 

“No, I don’t think it’s you , I think maybe people can see that you’re so close to him and stay away,” Magnus responds, “Think about it, Jonas, if you were into a girl and their best friend who was also their ex was always with them, you wouldn’t go up to her and ask her out, would you?”

“He’s got a point, to be fair,” Jonas says.

“And you always do couple stuff together, stuff I don’t even do with Lily,” Mahdi states, “And you’re his next of kin and emergency contact!”

“I do apologise that my family abandoning me doesn't fit your standard for my emergency contact, Mahdi.” Isak snaps.

Even snickers, “We kind of do - I went with you to Lea’s wedding and whenever anyone asked if we were still together, we just said we were.”

“That’s because I was surrounded by my family and I didn’t want them pitying the kid they all abandoned.”

Magnus chooses to ignore that, “You did that with Even’s mums’ wedding too.”

“We were kids then! And we only do that stuff when neither of us are dating anyone,” Isak defends himself, he wasn’t sure why he was so quick to fight against this, but he was and he was going with it. 

“Neither of you date anyway!”

→ 16 and 18  

January 2016

Eva’s was packed tonight.

He’d been a few Nissen parties in his time but this was the first time he was at one that was a proper house party. One with the flashing lights that Vilde had ordered from Amazon, empty beer and vodka bottles everywhere , and people everywhere - asleep in the corners and dancing and making out, just everywhere . Even had never been claustrophobic but being sober in the middle of this mess just was not the vibe. Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t always sober, but he only really drank when he was in the mood to be a happy drunk now, and that wasn’t tonight, not after the fight he’d had with Sonja.

Isak was staying at his tonight, like most nights. It was a pretty good system with Isak at the minute - he spent most nights staying at Even’s but spent the odd night on Jonas’ couch when Sonja wanted to stay with Even overnight. She’s sweet, she lovingly tells Isak he’s in the way whenever he’s at Even’s while she’s there. Lovely of her when you think about it. 

Right now though, Even was making a drink for Isak. He's been determined for years to mix a drink for Isak that he’d like more than beer. Nobody’s first choice of alcohol should be beer. It would probably help if he thought about the flavours of the different drinks he was putting together rather than just wanting to make it a pretty colour, but Isak would still probably drink it, he wasn’t fussy. 

This time he’d made a peach-coloured drink. If he was honest, he had no clue what was in it, he remembered reaching for vodka and some lemonade, but other than that his mind was fuzzy on what else was in there. 

Eva wrapped her arms around him on his way back, “Eveeeeen !” she squealed.

“Hey,” he chuckles, “You good?”

“I’m great ,” she starts babbling about Jonas after that, and he nods along, because he was raised right. While he nods, he looks around to find Isak and sees him with another boy. The boy was taller than Isak, and he was tucking one of Isak’s curls behind his ear, smiling at him. 

Even burned. 

“Eva, who’s that with Isak?” 

“Who?” She whips her head around, squinting over to follow Even’s line of sight, “Oh! That’s Julian , he goes to Nissen with us. He’s had this crush on Isak for weeks, he keeps buying Isak’s lunch for him. It’s sweet. Isak’s been talking to him for a bit, too, Jonas told me.”

Even straightens his back, trying to not give away how he was feeling, “And uh,” he clears his throat, “Isak’s interested in… in that?”

“Look’s like it,” she winks, “He’s been gushing, according to Jonas. Apparently Isak said Julian’s really funny, too. I’ve never spoken to him, though, but time will tell,” and with that, she rushes over to where Noora’s sat with Sana. 

.

The night drags on after that. He distracts himself with trying to find someone to talk to other than Isak. He plays sober ping-pong with Sana, and she can always see through him, but Isak didn’t notice so it’s not the worst thing. 

“You do realise you could just go over there, right?” 

“I don’t even know who he is.”

She smiles knowingly at him, “You don’t have to. But, if you really want to play detective. Julian is a guy in some of our classes, he knows a lot about everyone.”

“Knows how?

She shrugs, “He just does. I think he listens to a lot of gossip and pays attention to Facebook and things like that. The stuff he’ll know about you will just be from Jonas and Isak.”

“From lunch?”

“Lunch?” Her head snaps up, dropping the ping pong ball against the table and then catches it again.

“Eva said he keeps buying Isak’s lunch.”

Sana laughs, “I guess he does. Julian’s rich, so it won’t be a big deal for him moneywise. I do know that he asked Isak out somewhere for a date, he mentioned it in Biology. I’m not sure if he said yes - I think he would have told you if he did.”

Even nods his head dejectedly, and then goes back to the ping-pong game. 

.

Even keeps adding stupid songs to their playlist, and he’s internally rolling his eyes at himself because he’s doing exactly what Isak does when he’s avoiding an argument (read: being petty with music ) and he keeps trying to pick this Julian guy apart. He wishes it worked better than it was. 

He kept thinking over what Sonja said to him earlier while he walks home with Isak. He wanted desperately to ask about Julian but he doesn’t. He can’t.

“Where were you all night? I never got that dumb drink,” Isak teases. 

“I was with Sana.”

Isak’s quiet for a second, “Uh, alright. I was kidding, you know? Are you okay?”

“Fine, yeah.”

He was more angry than anything else. He didn’t have the right to be like this. He’d been with Sonja for years now, and he’s like this. Isak has to watch him with Sonja, and she’s said plenty to Isak that she shouldn’t - all he’s seen is a boy interested in Isak, they didn’t even kiss. Sana said she’d never noticed Isak being interested.

That must count for something. 

Maybe?

Hopefully.

.

“We can watch one of your films, if you want, tonight?” Isak offers, “Might cheer you up.”

They’d gotten into bed now, Isak was sat cross-legged at the bottom of the bed while Even was laid down.

“Sorry. Had a fight with Sonja, is all,” he lies. He did have the fight, but he’d stopped caring too much about what she says in a fight. It’d been too long. 

Isak’s head tilts, “What happened?”

He shakes his head, “Nothing out of the ordinary. She’s just really suffocating still.”

“Really? It’s been ages, though. She still doesn’t think you-”

“Nope,” Even pops his tongue, “It’s been about a year of it now, I don’t know how much more I can take.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

NERVOUS (Acoustic)

By Gavin James

now that you're on someone else's shoulders
the winter winds are colder on my own
maybe we will meet when we get older, maybe we won’t
so i won't say i love you if you don't
and no, you don’t
so i won't say i love you if you don't

February 2016

It was Film Friday . They were three films in when Isak started drifting off, so they were about to make their way back into Even’s room. Even had pulled out all the stops tonight - he’d made hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows - usually they just made popcorn and had done with it. It made Isak think something was happening that night but it seemed to be normal until now. 

Isak chose to wear his favourite pyjamas that Even had. It was an odd part of Film Friday, they had to both wear pyjamas of the person who’s house it was, so it was usually always Even’s pyjamas. Isak’s favourites were a navy blue fluffy jumper and some checkered pyjama bottoms - Even had gotten them a few Christmas’s ago from his grandparents and they were far too warm for him but Isak adored them. 

In bed, Isak cleared his throat, “So, I was meaning to tell you. Eskild text me, and he said there’s a room for me if I wanted it at Kollektivet . It’s just him, Linn and Noora there now.”

“Oh ,” Even sounded surprised, “That’s cool. Can I come with you to see it before you go?”

Isak nods, “Yeah, sure. My dad said he’d pay me some money for rent so I told Eskild I wanted to go over. I wanted to tell you first, though.”

“Mm, well there’s no rush, you know? If you want to stay here, you can.”

“It’s cool. I’ve been here a while now, and this way Sonja will get off your back,” Isak laughs, “Might actually have a chance to be a couple, then.”

“You don’t need to worry about that anymore.”

“Why?” 

“I broke up with her last night.”

“Huh?” Isak says, sitting up, “You’re kidding? Why didn’t you say?”

“We’ve been fighting a lot about you recently, you know, like about you and me . She said you were acting jealous and that you were a mania trigger for me,” Even relays the information, trying to remember all the different fights they’d had recently.

Isak furrows his eyebrows, staying quiet, until he softly questions, “I...am I? Do I?”

Even scoffs, “We’ve been best friends since we could walk, if you triggered me, you’d know about it, Is,” he laughs lightly at the thought of it, “And I kept comparing her to you, saying you dealt with my bipolar better than she did and she hated that - said you were just a kid and said some more stuff about you. I don’t want to be with somebody who says that about you.”

A moment passes, and Isak tries not to let the corners of his mouth upturn, determined to be the good friend.

“I don’t think of you as a kid or a baby, I never have, really. You’re just Isak.”

“How did she take it?” Isak questioned.

Even shrugs, “About as well as you’d expect. She was angry, I was scared she was going to message you or hound you about it but, she hasn’t done so hopefully we can both just move on.” 

“Are you sad?”

Shaking his head, “Not really. She was a big part of my life but it’s done with now,” he explains, “It’s sad that it ended up like this, but I’m not sad .”

“Good.”

now playing:

•added by Art Vandeley •

DETAILS

By Sleeperstar

i make you cry, you don't know
i will never get back, back to the sunshine
these are only the details, the details
they don't mean a thing, they don't make a difference
these details, these details
they don't matter much if i love you enough

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

WHEN IT’S TIME (Broadway Edition)

By Green Day

so, tell me when it's time to say ‘i love you’,
all i want is you to understand
that when i take your hand, it's 'cause i want to,
we are all born in a world of doubt
but there's no doubt
i figured out...
i love you

→ 17 and 19

June 2016

Even could tell that Isak was nervous.

It was a big deal. Marianne had been in hospital for a few months and today they’d arranged for Isak to visit but there was no way he’d be able to do it on his own - he hadn’t spoken to his parents or sister for over six months. The reason they’d been able to arrange this was through speaking to the hospital on the phone, and he was told that Marianne had been sending letters back to the house to try and contact Isak, which obviously didn’t get to him (mainly because he was living at Kollektivet and he hadn’t stepped foot in his childhood house in seven months).

Terje had paid for her to get some help and put her into the hospital and he agreed to pay for it until she was able to live on her own, but once she was out, they would go forward with their divorce and stop contact. Isak was more concerned with his mother than his dad. It had been that way for years, Terje took an emotional step back from Isak when he was still a child, so this hadn’t changed things very much. Terje sent him over money for rent but didn’t talk to him at all so understandably, Isak was nervous to have contact with one of his parents for the first time in a while. 

“I’ll be right here. Do you want me to come in with you? I can wait in reception,” Even says, “Completely up to you.”

“Can you come in?” Isak asks, without hesitation, “I think I need you with me.”

“That’s cool with me.”

Even rubs the back of Isak’s hand as they go up to the reception desk. 

. 

A nurse took Isak and Even down the corridor, “Visiting hours last for up to three hours for Marianne right now, so feel free to grab something to drink if you’d like anything, she already knows where everything is. It’s good for her to have someone who she trusts visiting her, it will help her to connect to home,” the nurse kindly says, opening a door into a living area, “She talks wonders about her son,” her eyes twinkle at Isak, and he grins in response, the idea of seeing his mother made him excited, no matter how anxious he was.

The living area had sofas that a few different people occupied with what looked like relatives, so Even assumed it was being used for visiting hours. Isak walked a few steps in front of Even and stood next to a sofa, finding Marianne sitting there, her face lit up at the sight of her little boy, “My baby,” she gleams, wrapping her arms around him. 

Even smiles as the nurse nods her head and turns to deal with someone else. 

“Hi Mama,” Isak says, his voice slightly wavered. 

Marianne sits them both down, Even following suit. 

“And Even! Hello, sweetheart,” she cups his cheek, rubbing a thumb over the apple of his cheek, “You both have grown.”

“How are you, Mama?”

She nods excitedly, “Really good, really well. Did you get my letters?”

“Uh,” Isak hesitates. 

“Isak’s actually not been back to the house, so he only found out you’d been sending them a few days ago,” Even explained for him. 

Marianne’s head tilts.

“Didn’t Papa tell you?” Isak questions.

“We don’t really talk much, baby, he just brought my things and if I need anything I call, but I think he’s busy with work and things. I thought you would be living with him,” she says, confused at the idea of Isak not being home. 

“No, I left home the night he did.”

Her eyebrows furrow, “What? Where have you been?”

“It doesn’t matter, Mama, you don’t need to worry about me - I’m fine, I promise,” he reassures her, rubbing the skin on the back of her hand. 

She shakes her head, “Sweetheart, I’m your mother, okay? My job is to worry. Besides, I’m doing really good, you don’t need to look after me, you won’t stress me out. Tell me.”

“I stayed between Even's and Jonas’ couch for a few months. I live with three people now in a kollektiv , one of the girls there goes to school with me,” he explains, “I stayed mostly with Even, Sofie and Liv before that, though.”

“I’m so sorry, how are you affording rent and things?”

“Papa pays. He hasn’t been in much contact with me, he just puts money in my bank account each month for my bills, sometimes he’ll text saying he can’t pay that month so Even’s parents help me out if I don’t have enough. I save any little bit I get just in case, so usually I don’t need much help,” Isak says, motioning to Even with his head at the mention of his parents.

Marianne lets a breath out, and pulls Isak’s head towards her, kissing his hair, “My beautiful boy. I love you, you know that?” She looks into his eyes, and Isak notices a glisten of tears in hers, “I’m sorry.”

“None of it is your fault, and I was never on my own at least. I always knew I had Even.”

“Of course,” she smiles, taking hold of Even’s hand, “Thank you, love. You’ve been brilliant to him your whole life, haven’t you?”

“I try my best,” Even smiles back at her. 

"How are your parents, love?"

Even nods, "Yeah, really good. They're planning a holiday to Amsterdam for next year so they're keeping busy with that in the evenings - they told me to send their love to you."

"Bless them, give them a hug from me when you go back home, won't you? So tell me what’s happening with you both, how’s school? Shouldn’t you be in school at this time? It’s only ten, I was surprised when the nurse told me it would be this early.”

They both nod, in agreement at the general level of happiness from there, “I don’t have classes until the afternoon,” Even tells her, “And Isak only had study sessions all day, so here we are.”

“Any girls I should know about? How’s Sonja ?”

Isak tenses so Even takes the lead, “We broke up actually.”

“Oh no, sorry love. What happened?”

He dismissively waves a hand, “Nothing major, really. She got a bit controlling of me because of my bipolar so it wasn’t working out.”

“That’s too bad, how about you, sweetheart?” She looks over to Isak, somewhat noticing his stiff body language. 

“Actually Mama, I uh,” he stutters, trying to think of words to tell her, “I don’t like girls. I know you believe in God, and you might see-”

“Baby, I love you. As long as you are happy, and people are treating you nicely, it doesn't matter to me if they're a boy or a girl or whoever else. As long as you're safe and happy and healthy. Thank you for telling me,” she holds her hand against his cheek, wiping a tear way that was collecting below his eye, “From the first second I saw you, I loved you and I will love you forever.”

Isak’s smile is watery but it’s there, and he holds onto his mother’s hand against his cheek, “I thought maybe you’d be sad because you’re religious.”

“Course not, love. For me, God is about love, I could never be sad at your love. Your love is beautiful.”

.

Even finds a note left on his bed when he finally gets back from school. It looked like it was ripped from one of his sketchbooks, but he picked it up anyway. 

Even, 

Tonight at 21:21, I will be at KB. Come there and meet me if you want to be with me, and if you don’t want that, stay home. If you’re not there, I’ll move on and we won’t talk about this ever again. We’ll just carry on how we are, nothing will change, I promise. 

Please don’t call or text me until tomorrow, because I won’t answer until then. 

♥️ Isak. 

Even feels himself smile. 

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

THE LOVE WE STOLE

By Bear’s Den

let it all out now, show the world the love that you stole 
the love that you stole, the love that you stole
hey love, can't you hear me calling?
hey love, things keep falling
hey love, can't you hear me calling?
hey love, things keep falling
the love that we stole
the love that we stole

December 2016

Even was doing better than he was. He’d been manic last month, and it was a bit scary for Isak, he wasn’t scared or anything - he’d seen it before - but it was the first episode where Isak was around as a boyfriend. It had been a week or two now into his depressive episode, but it was going okay. He was reaching the point where he could hold conversation, and he’d let Isak run him a bath today, so Isak found himself washing Even’s hair from the side of the bathtub.

“Jonas said that Sonja is dating Emma now,” Isak mentions, almost in a whisper. 

“Really?” 

Isak hums, “Yeah, apparently they met at some party and hit it off,” he recalls, “I feel bad for Emma, she really liked me and I just had to make up excuses.” 

“That's not on you, you were nice to her.”

“Mm,” Isak thinks about the two women for a second, “Sonja was right about one thing, I was really jealous,” he softly tells Even. 

“You were?”

“You couldn’t tell?”

Even shakes his head, leaning back as Isak poured water from a jug over his hair to rinse the shampoo, “I was jealous of Julian.”

Isak raked a hand through Even’s hair as he smirked and grabbed the bottle of conditioner, Isak’s shelf in the bathroom of Kollektivet was sparse to say the least, but he was always stocked with shampoo, conditioner and a shower gel that Even always said smelt like autumn. “I was never with Julian,” he says, smiling knowingly.

“He flirted with you at that party and Eva told me about him. I talked to Sana for a while as well, and she said he was asking you out. I was with Sonja back then, I had no right.”

Nodding his head, Isak halts his hands, “He did. He asked me out twice, but I said no because I was too gone for you,” Even’s head faced the water to avoid his boyfriend’s of sight, “Hey, all I wanted was this, and I think about that everyday,” Isak reassured him, rubbing the conditioner in, “I think about it everyday that I get to wake up with you, because I can remember a time that I thought I’d never be able to have this.”

Isak rinses the conditioner by filling a jug with water and pouring it over his hair, and Even stays quiet. 

“I want you to remember that you’re never not magic to me because of it.”

Even smiles wide, and Isak feels like he’s accomplished a small miracle. 

“Sap.”

“Maybe a little,” he presses a kiss to Even’s forehead, not caring that it leaves his lips damp, “I’ve loved you my whole life, I always think about how lucky I am to be able to have you love me back.”

“I do love you.”

“Good.” 

.

Once they left the bathroom, Isak took the time to towel dry Even’s hair before turning to grab the t-shirt he’d left on the chair for Even - it was the one Isak had been wearing that day - it helped Even sleep. 

“I appreciate all this, you know,” Even says, sitting on the bed while watching Isak’s every movie.

“What? A bath?”

“You just know how to make this easier,” he explains, “It’s comforting to know that you understand you can’t fix it.”

Isak hands Even the shirt and looks fondly at him, “My only job is to make you feel loved, and make sure that you know you’re not on your own. I wish I could make you feel one hundred percent  happy every single day, but I know I can’t, and so do you.”

“You’re good at your job. I’m sorry you have to look after me sometimes.”

“Never apologise for that, okay?” Isak meets his eyes, raising his palm to hold against his cheek.

“I wish you didn’t have to though. Wish I could just drink and smoke with you like normal, and not have to worry about this - you must be sick of it, because I am.”

Isak clears his throat as he comes closer to him, now standing in front of where Even is sitting on the bed, “I don’t see it like that,” he begins, “You do a lot for me, and I don’t have bipolar. I’d be doing the same stuff for you even if you weren’t sick. You helped me with Mama - I’m back in touch with her and she’s so happy because you helped me. I help you feel safe when you can’t feel good. And you do the same thing.”

Even hums. 

“Sonja was wrong, because there’s nothing to handle here. It’s not on me to make sure you don’t have episodes,” Isak pauses until Even looks back up at him,  “It’s up to you if you drink or smoke or anything like that, that’s a choice you have, nothing to do with me. Just like it’s not up to you if I do that stuff. I cut back on my drinking because I don’t see the need anymore and I only smoke with you because I only really fun it fun with you. All I’m here for is to make sure you know that I’m always with you. I’m here because I love you.” 

He leans back slightly, his eyes beginning to look more tired, as if the conversation is draining to think about.

“The last thing I want is for you to think I’m suffocating or anything, sometimes it’s nice to just have a bath and wear your boyfriend’s shirt. I’m scared sometimes that it feels like I’m hovering, because that’s something I want to make sure I don’t do.”

Even shakes his head, “It doesn’t feel like that. Feels nice, you always feel nice.”

“Well thank you. You deserve nice.”

Sofie
Today, 21:08

Hi love, just checking how you
and Even are doing? x

we’re okay. even had a bath and
ate earlier, we’re just getting ready
for bed :)

he said he’ll call you tomorrow

Lovely, tell him we both miss him,
and you of course

good night to you both x

.

“I still have plans for us, you know,” Even mentions. It’s night now, they were both tucked into Isak’s bed. “I want us both to go to university together and we’ll get our degrees, so I can be a kid’s favourite teacher and you can be the next Einstein.” 

“Einstein, huh?”

Even was laid with his head tucked into Isak’s neck, “I’ll marry you when I’m 24, maybe. So we’re still young but not too young. We could go somewhere cool for our honeymoon and we can annoy our kids for years with photos of it in every album.”

“Our kids?” 

He nods, and hums, “Yeah. We’ll have two. But years after we get married, because it takes ages for couples like us. We could adopt, I’ve always wanted to adopt a kid, since I was little.”

“Can we have a cat?”

“Yeah. We’ll get a cat and we could buy her this big scratching post and a little cat bed and she’ll be happy with it. Still sleeps on our bed, though.”

“And then what?”

“Nothing, just this.”

now playing: 

• added by Art Vandeley •

COFFEE

By beabadoobee

i like it when you hold me tight
you make me feel nice,
the green in your eyes
makes me feel warm inside,
and i'll make a cup of coffee
with the right amount of sugar,
how you like it
and i'll make a cup of coffee
with the right amount of sugar,
how you like it

February 2017

Isak had been looking forward to tonight for as long as he could remember.

It scared him that he wasn’t afraid of it. He remembered Jonas talking for hours about how anxious he was to have sex with Eva for the first time, so Isak was only unnerved that he wasn’t on edge about it - he figured it was due to the fact that he knew Even like the back of his hand - and nothing about Even could scare him. Besides, they’d both planned tonight. Even’s mothers were both in Trondheim for a funeral (which sounds worse than it is - Even never met the guy who died, it was someone his mum knew as a child and they both needed to go so Even just stayed home).

Which means they had an empty house on Film Friday, it was almost a waste to not use the opportunity.  

He decided to send Even a text on his way out of the store, he would bet money that his boyfriend was currently in his bedroom, pacing with nerves. Obviously, Even had been with Sonja so many times before so the sex aspect wasn’t triggering fear, but Isak knew that having sex with him for the first time would be something Even wanted to make perfect.

He figured a text at least would calm him down (slightly).

mannen i mitt liv
Today, 17:38

On my way, be there in 5 ❤️
Delivered

When he got there, he saw evidence of Even’s nerves. There was a group of candles on the coffee table, where they usually put a bowl of popcorn during their movie nights, with a box of matches sitting next to them. A couple of t-shirts were laid on the sofa, and a few different pairs of pyjamas that Isak guessed were for him. 

“Hi!” Isak called into the house, and he heard a thump and Even’s quiet swears following it, along with a muffled greeting.

He decides to take the bag he got from the store upstairs with him to put in Even’s room, and he sees his boyfriend’s own shopping bag placed on his dresser so Isak deposits his next to it. Even comes in from the hallway holding another pillow, “Big bag, is it for me?”

“It’s not your birthday yet, stupid,” Isak chuckles, “A bit for you, though.”

“Lucky me,” Even smiles, taking hold of Isak’s hips and pulling him into a kiss, “Halla.”

“Hei, you smell nice.”

“I showered,” He says, cupping Isak’s cheek and tucking a rogue curl behind his ear. “I thought we could eat before the film but I set it up already. It’s a romance one before you laugh at me.”

Isak’s eyes crinkle as he tries not to let himself smile and maintain his credibility as a hater of all romance films, “Which is it?”

“Love, Rosie.”

“I’ll let you off because I liked that other one you made me watch,” He begins, “But only if you still make me popcorn when we watch it.”

“Deal.”

. 

The film is long and it makes Isak’s heart hurt a lot. It hits close to home and his dumb boyfriend keeps laughing at the way he has his fist tightly grasping onto Even’s t-shirt. It was still a good call on his part because a romcom about childhood best friends is probably the easiest way to have them kissing at the end. 

After a few minutes, Even tugs Isak up and pushes him up the stairs to his bedroom. They both turn to their respective shopping bags and climb onto Even’s bed, sitting cross-legged opposite each other and two bottles of lube and a box of condoms are pulled out the bags. 

Isak couldn’t stop himself from a burst of laughter, “Didn’t you have condoms before?”

“I mean, yeah, but these can be our condoms. Just for us.”

“That’s weirdly romantic. But, I think we’ve overestimated how good we’re going to be at this.”

“Speak for yourself, I’ve never had a bad review.”

“Neither have I, dumbass.” 

"You've never had a review, that doesn't count," Even takes Isak’s hand in his and kisses the palm of it, “Besides, it’ll be perfect no matter what happens - even if we just tuck ourselves into bed and fall asleep and nothing happens. Tonight is whatever you want it to be, okay?” He makes sure Isak’s eyes reach his before continuing, “No pressure. It’s just you and me.” 

“You and me,” Isak repeats, “I can do that.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

SWEET

By Cigarettes After Sex

watching the video that you sent me,
the one where you're showering with wet hair dripping,
you know that i'm obsessed with your body
but it's the way you smile that does it for me;
it's so sweet, knowing that you love me,
though we don't need to say it to each other, sweet
knowing that i love you, and running my fingers through your hair

it's so sweet

They take their time. Even spends a lot of it kissing down Isak’s neck and trying to take off their t-shirts without disconnecting his lips from Isak’s skin. Isak was making a conscious effort to not make noise, which resulted in breathy gasps escaping him. 

Even stopped every so often, raking Isak’s hair back that wasn’t even falling into his eyes (which was Isak’s first tell) and he pecked any skin he could reach on his face while he did.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“You couldn’t.”

He keeps on playing with Isak’s hair as he kisses him, and Isak notices it, “We don’t have to if you’re not ready, you know?”

“‘M’ready, I just want it to be good for you.”

“You’re anxious - you play with my hair when you’re anxious, Ev.”

“I’m fine, I promise. I just don’t want to mess it up for you,” he assures, “I love you. I don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I love you too, but it’s just me - all my firsts are yours, this isn’t any different,” Isak says, reaching up to cup his boyfriend’s cheeks, “Look at me, it’s me, it’s just us - you can’t do anything that’ll ruin it, okay?”

Even looks around to ground himself, and notices the teddy bear sitting on the ledge of his window. It was brown and scruffy, a red checkered patch sewn into his leg - Isak named him Claude and gave it to him on his 10th birthday and they’d kept him all these years. Next to him sat Jack, a stuffed mouse teddy that Isak dragged everywhere with him when he was a child. He remembered being the hero when Isak had left it at the doctor’s office after his mother’s appointment, and Even tracked it down afterwards. He thought about how Isak gave it to him that day in hospital when he finally got his bipolar diagnosis. He sees the photographs hung on a string next to his desk of every birthday they’d had together. He sees the drawings he’d doodled of Isak when they lived together, the film stubs he always kept and the silly knick-knacks they’d collected together over the years. He thinks of the stains on the carpet from when Isak spilled paint and pen ink when they were little.

He thinks of them.

It’s just them. 

His face pulls into a grin as he kisses down Isak’s chest and he hears Isak giggle, “Why are you laughing?”

“It’s funny, seeing you all sexual… you have no game at all.”

Even gasps, “Excuse you, I have game. And I’d like to think you’ve been sexually attracted to me before now.”

“You’re gorgeous, baby.”

“Is this your game? Is this the famous Isak Valtersen move?”

.

“Babe stop laughing!”

“I will when you do!”

“I like laughing during sex with you.”

“Good,” Even breathes and meets Isak’s lips in his, tugging on his bottom lip with his teeth. He cups his face and pulls back for a moment, “You sure?”

Isak smiles, his eyes squinting slightly, “I’m so sure.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

WILDFLOWER

By 5 Seconds of Summer

you're the only one who makes me
every time we-
i'll tell you what i like,
my wildflower
you know, you are my favorite fantasy
a fatal love song, waterfall is overflowin'
you're the only one who makes me
every time we-
i'll tell you what i like
my wildflower

→ 21 and 23

June 2020

Even ended up back called back to the bar after that, and Isak joins him at the bar, determined to get out of this conversion. The rest of the boys stayed on the topic, though. 

“Maybe Isak is Even’s cooler!”

“Mags, what the fuck is that?”

“You need to watch more New Girl,” He rolls his eyes. 

Mahdi laughs to himself, “You need to get a fucking job.”

“I have one, thank you. Working in a nursery just means I’m done at 15:00, I can watch whatever I please. A cooler in the show is a person who cools people off of you when they try to pursue you. So, if Even would meet someone and then Isak comes over and starts talking about their past, that would be a cooler thing,” he explains, “He does that all the time, though.”

“Eva used to be like that in high school, too,” Mahdi points out, “After you split up, she would get so drunk whenever you were going to hook up and then she’d drape herself over you so you’d have to look after her.”

“So you think Isak is stopping Even from moving on? I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, Eva used to do it on purpose,” Jonas says, looking over to Even and Isak. 

Magnus finishes the last of his beer, and pushes the beer bottle against the wall, “Okay, let’s think about what Isak actually does, his daily routine orbits around Even at this point - like Mahdi’s does with Lily.”

“He always comes to the bar after lectures when Even’s on shift, even if we’re with him.”

“Even does the same when Isak’s at the bakery.”

“He only studies at Even’s place, never at ours,” Jonas recalls, only noticing that it’s odd once he thinks of it. 

“There’s the whole Film Friday thing, too, that’s very boyfriend-y.”

“Even drops anything for Isak,” Mahdi says, “He’ll say it’s because they’re best friends but it’s off-putting if you’re wanting to meet someone new, especially with their history.”

“He knows Isak like a boyfriend.”

Magnus tries to overhear Isak and Even after that, thinking of the other ways, he notices Even slapping the back of Isak’s hand as he reaches for the fruit Even was cutting up. Magnus assumes it’s for one of the cocktail classes, because they do those every other day at the bar.

“There’s kiwi and cherry in there, you’re not dying on my watch.” Even says.

“I’m not convinced I’m allergic.”

“Your mum and I had to take you to hospital with an allergic reaction - you’re allergic.”

“It’s annoying that you know everything.” 

Turning back to the boys, Magnus noticed they’d both heard the conversation too, “That is coupley as fuck, I don’t care what Isak says.”

→ 18 and 20

June 2017

Even was sat on the sofa at Kollektivet, Isak’s legs were thrown over his lap, and he was lazily doodling on his boyfriend’s forearm with some Crayola pens he’d found at the bottom of his bag. He’s had a long day at Bakka, so he and Mikael came back to Isak’s and found all the boys there. It looked like they’d been there an hour or so, most had finished a beer or two while Isak had just polished off an impressive amount of crisps. 

He was beginning to come to terms with the fact he was almost finished with high school, which was scary and stressful. It’s nice to spend time with the boys who still had a year left to forget about it. 

“Can you idiots please help me, and stop putting beer in front of me?” Mahdi snaps.

Mikael chuckles, “You got yourself into this mess.”

Mahdi had met Lily in March, which unbeknownst to him had led him to this very moment, merely one night before he had to meet her parents. 

“Did I? I didn’t know wanting human interaction with a girls meant having a place at her family dinner table!” Mahdi says exasperatedly, throwing his head into his hand.

Jonas was distracted on his phone, probably texting Eva. Isak had told Even they’d broken up a month or two ago but he expected they’d be back on track eventually, “It’s hardly a dinner table place mat, Mahdi, chill the fuck out. I had to practically move in for Eva’s mum to meet me.” 

“In Eva’s defence, you were her best friend’s boyfriend, it wasn’t exactly the best start to a relationship,” Isak interjects. 

“Lily’s from an actual family-family though, like she eats with them everyday at 17:00 and they have game nights and shit. She’s got the whole American set up of a family.”

Magnus laughs, “Yeah I won’t lie, you’ll probably be dead by this time tomorrow.”

“Who’s met parents here? I need all the advice you got.”

“When I met Eva’s mum, I just wore a shirt and helped Eva cook for when her mama got back. Answered any question she threw at me and refused to drink wine with her. It’s always a test, never accept alcohol from your girlfriend’s parents,” Jonas said, laying his phone against his leg. 

“Mags?”

“I’ve not met any, don’t look at me.”

Isak shuffled to lay further into the sofa, speaking lowly to Even, “At least I saved you a traumatising experience by being born your best friend. You don’t have to meet my parents.”

“You were hardly born my best friend, Is,” he smiles, “I like your mum though. She’s sweet,” he spoke slightly louder than Isak did, so the boys turned their heads to join them.

“Not my dad then?”

“I used to.”

Jonas laughs to himself, “Ditto.”

Even ran his hand over his doodle of trees on Isak’s arm, deciding he was content with it and so he puts the pen lid back on.

“You’re gonna be the couple with a matching tattoos, aren’t you?”

Isak smiles at the thought.

“Maybe,” Even scoffs, “When we can choose something cool and Isak’s not deathly afraid of needles.”

“Seriously, Even, you must have something for me,” Mahdi practically begs, “You have the whole charming thing going for you.”

“Fine. Just be approachable, be nice, you know?” Even explains, “I’d avoid the alcohol thing too. Just try to seem calm, and be yourself. Don’t swear or anything and compliment them a lot.”

“Is that what you did with Isak’s mama?”

“Mags I was literally about six months old when I met Isak’s mama.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

SPARKS

By Coldplay

but i promise you this:
i'll always look out for you - that's what i'll do
i say oh, i say oh

my heart is yours,
it's you that i hold on to, that's what i do
and i know i was wrong, but i won't let you down
(oh yeah, yeah, yes i will)
i say oh, i cry oh
and i saw sparks
yeah i saw sparks

September 2017

Isak was run off his feet - he’d enlisted the help of Linn an hour ago but it turns out she’s just about as helpful as he is in the kitchen. He was only baking a cake - he’d planned it for weeks and even did a practice one that went over very well with Magnus  (he had managed to eat the whole thing in under 24 hours). 

It was Even’s first day at university, he was scheduled to be in an introduction class in the morning and his first lecture at 13:00 so he wouldn’t be back until about 16:00. The cake was almost done, he just needed to decorate it but the kitchen was a mess, he’s barely finished even making the icing and Even had called saying he was only a tram ride away. 

He quickly mixed the icing with the melted chocolate and just prayed to anything that would listen that Even’s tram travelled at a stupidly slow pace. It probably wasn’t the most helpful tactic he had, but it was all he had. 

Decorating the cake was a quicker job than he anticipated, so he had it ready on a plate on the table by the time Even opened the door (the kitchen was still a complete state but Isak takes it as a win). He’d managed to write UNIVERSITY DAY on the top of it with bright pink icing, which maybe wasn’t the best colour choice to go on top of chocolate icing but it’ll do. 

“Baby you made me a cake!” Even announces, his face erupting in happiness, “Come here,” he laughs as he wraps Isak in a hug.

“Joke’s on you because you have icing sugar all over you now,” Isak says, leaning his head against Even’s collarbone, “How was it?”

“So good, I go to meet everyone on my course and they’re all really nice - there was this one girl who used to go to Bakka, she was the year above me I think,” Even takes off his denim jacket and put it over one of the chairs before sitting down in it, pulling Isak to sit on his lap, “She was really cool.” 

Isak kisses his temple, “I’m really proud of you.”

“It was funny, I told her about you and she was asking how long we’d been together so I said we’d been best friends since we were toddlers but we’d only gotten properly together like a year or so ago-”

“Excuse me?” Isak teases, “Like a year or so ago? You don’t even know how long we’ve been together?”

Even rolls his eyes, “You want to quiz me? Fine, we have been together exactly 453 days - which is a year, two months and 27 days. Did you want to quiz me on another piece of our relationship?”

“Hm… I’ll let you off this time.”

“How did I do?”

“Good enough, what did she say?”

“She said she’d been with her boyfriend almost the same time - they’d been dating since they were sixteen.”

Isak smiles, “I’m glad you had a good day, babe.”

“And look at you, master in the kitchen Valtersen!”

“I need to be a master at doing the dishes now,” he moans. 

“I’ll help, c’mon,” grabbing the towel Isak had left on the table, “You wash, I’ll dry.”

“I love you.”

“Good, now get a cloth, I’ll put Spotify on.”

The dishes only last a few minutes, and by the end of it Isak has been whipped with a tea towel numerous times and Even had bubbles blown into his face too many times to count. 

“We make a good team, if I do say so myself.”

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

“I’ll show you okay, stupid,” Even pulls at Isak’s hands and spins him around.

“Stop pulling me everywhere!”

Even all but giggles at him, “Dance with me.”

“You’re literally about five years old,” Isak dryly remarks, but allows himself to be spun around the kitchen. His socked feet make him slide around the floor and Even keeps tripping over his feet but it’s perfect like that. 

“I know, you love me,” Even smirks, wrapping Isak’s arms around his own neck, and he kisses Isak one, two, three, four times, “I know you do.”

“You know I do.”

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

PLEASE NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

By Ollie MN

you and me
need never be
lonely again;
spin with me, endlessly
or at least until the end
please never fall in love again
oh, please never fall in love again

→ 19 and 21

December 2018

Despite knowing Isak since he was about three years old, sometimes Isak's mind worked in ways that he couldn’t fathom. Isak had somehow escaped bed without waking up Even, and Even was awoken by his boyfriend poking his side. Blearily, he squints up at Isak, and rubs at his eyes to try and make them stop burning. 

“Is?”

“Can you come eat cereal with me?”

“What the fuck?” He says, his voice gravelly with sleep. “Baby it’s 4am.” 

Isak takes hold of Even’s hand and squeezes, “Please?”

Even sighs before pulling himself out of bed and follows his boyfriend down the hallway. It’s then that he notices that Isak hadn’t slept yet, his t-shirt wasn’t wrinkled enough and he had bags underneath his eyes. They’d stayed up late anyway - they were wrapped up in a video game that Jonas had given to him and they both completely forgot that sleep was a thing that needed to happen until it was 1am. 

Isak hands Even his own bowl of cereal and they sit opposite each other at the table, and offers Even a small smile. 

“So why cereal at 4am? Did you smoke without me again?”

“Just wanted a reason to be with you is all. I missed you.”

Sometimes Even forgot that Isak was still the insecure and abandoned kid that he was when he was 16. And it’s moments like these that he just melted Even’s heart - his toes curled with love for him, “You’re so cute.”

Isak blushes, because he was so tired that he still didn’t have the care to not be tactile and open. 

“I love you so much,” Even says, “I miss you too.”

Isak pushes himself up on the chair and reaches over to kiss him, and Even leaves a kiss on his forehead after he pulls away to return to his cereal.

Even watches him eat for a second, trying to figure out what was going on, “You’re not sleeping again.”

He hears Isak clear his throat under his breath.

“Is, please.”

“You won’t get it.”

“Try me.”

Isak looks up at him before looking back in his bowl, pushing the last few soggy pieces around with his spoon, “I’m fine, I just. I’m scared about what happens after this.”

Pushing his own bowl away, Even sits up in his seat, “This?”

He nods, “This, us. What happens when this ends?”

“Do you- are you wanting to end-”

“No, no, no,” Isak interrupts, “No.”

There’s a breath of relief that escapes Even before he realises and he thinks about how to make sense of Isak’s worry, “Then why are you thinking about it like it’s going to happen?”

“You’re all I’ve ever known, I trust you and I can’t say that about anyone else. I can’t lose you.”

Even reaches to grip Isak’s hand, “And you won’t. I promise you. Even if we don’t last forever, which I think we will, but if we don’t - I will always be your best friend. Okay?”

“It’s just hard for me.”

“I know it is, it’s scary for me too.”

“Yeah?”

He smiles lightly, “It’s scary. I don’t want you to ever be scared to talk to me about it though. Scary stuff is something you need to talk to me about. Let’s break it all down, yeah? Tell me one thing you’re scared of, a little thing, not something huge.”

Isak is apprehensive, but he trusts Even, so he does it, “I’m scared you’ll get sick of me hovering all the time and you’ll find someone better.”

“What else? Tell me more of those, baby.”

“I’m scared I’ll end up being the person you talk about to your friends like you used to talk about Sonja,” Even holds onto Isak’s hand, silently comforting him after each word. 

Even nods along, his eyes faltering in what seemed like pain for what Isak was saying to him, “Why don’t you tell me your biggest fear about us? I’m terrified that one day I’ll be too much for you,” he admits, pulling Isak’s bowl away from him to get rid of the distraction.

“I’m scared one day we’ll break up and you’ll just disappear,” he whispers. “I’m scared I’ll just be an old name to you one day. I’m scared I’m not a good enough boyfriend so eventually you’ll just get tired of me.”

“I won’t disappear. I haven’t yet, have I? I’ve known you a long time - seeing you naked won’t change that,” he hears a small laugh come from Isak which he takes as a win, “And you know Sonja was different. She was controlling, and you’re not. You’re brilliant. You always will be to me."

Even gets off of his chair after saying that, and kneels in front of where Isak is sitting in his chair, “I think it’s because I’ve been thinking about dad more. And Lea.”

“I know you better than I know myself, Is. I know this isn’t because of us,” He says, assuring Isak that his boyfriend knew he trusted him, “What made you think about them?”

“Papa called me.”

 Even scoffs, "Oh," he breathes for a moment, "What did he say?"

"He told me he was getting married. Apparently he's met a woman, he said they met a few months after he left and they moved into a house about half an hour away. He wanted to know if I was staying with Mama or if I was still living with you."

Even nods his head, trying not to let Isak see that he was angry, "And what do you think about that?"

"I think he called to let me know he doesn't need me and Mama anymore."

"And Lea?"

"I asked, and he told me that Lea visits him every month. She never called me."

“Baby I'm sorry.”

“It just reminded me of it all. I’m sorry you have to be the one I question all the time, you’ve never left me before. You’re the only one who hasn’t,” Even presses a kiss to Isak’s hands, “I don’t know, it’s just, surely you can’t just raise a family for so many years and then just forget they exist, not unless you never loved them to begin with.”

Even lets out a breath, “I’m sorry this is the start you were given. You don’t deserve it, you know that, right?”

Isak tries to smile, but it seems empty. 

“One day, when we’re older and smarter, we’re going to have a family and we’ll be married and we’ll be so happy. And you’ll be the best papa in the entire world.”

“Whole world?”

Even nods, “The whole world.”

“Ev?”

“Hm?”

“You’re not too much.”

“And you’re good enough.”

.

Once Even got Isak back to bed, he rested his head against Isak’s shoulder, mouthing a kiss to his collarbone, tucking the quilt up to both their necks.

“You know,” Isak murmurs, “I’m not jealous of Sonja anymore. I used to be, when we were only friends, but I haven’t been since we’ve been together.”

“That’s good,” Even says, smiling up at him.

Pushing a hand through Even’s hair, Isak replies, “I just compare myself to her a lot. I was thinking earlier about asking you about something because of it.”

“Sure, babe, what is it?”

“Jonas made me think of it, I’m not sure if you’ll completely get it. He brought it up because he used to talk about it with Eva, but did you prefer your first ever time with Sonja, because it was your first time ever, or did you prefer our first time because it’s us?”

“Well, for me, it’s more about connection, you know that,” he whispers, “I love you more than I loved Sonja, so that makes it better for me.”

“You’d have to be a bit of an asshole not to say me, though. Because I’m your boyfriend.”

He chuckles, “You’ll just have to trust me, I guess.”

“I do.”

Even nods at him, smiling slightly.

“But just for a minute, pretend I’m your best friend, just your best friend and not your boyfriend. Just for a second. Would your answer be different then?”

Even’s brow furrows in confusion, “Why are those different?”

Isak shakes his head, “Forget it, never mind.”

“Hey, Is, you’re my best person. You’re my best friend, you always have been. It just so happens that you’re also the love of my life.”

“Your life?”

“My whole life.”

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

SICK OF LOSING SOULMATES

By dodie

what a strange being you are, god knows where i would be
if you hadn't found me, sitting all alone in the dark,
a dumb screenshot of youth: 
watch how a cold broken teen 
will desperately lean on a superglued human of proof

  what the hell would i be, without you? (what the hell would i be?)
brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth (hide the truth)
cause i'm sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin?
i can finally see, you're as fucked up as me
so how do we win?

→ 20 and 22

July 2019

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

LOVE LIKE THIS (Acoustic)

By Kodaline

a love like this won't last forever
i know that a love like this won't last forever
but i, i don't mind, i don't mind at all

→ 21 and 23

June 2020

Magnus figured that he had heard enough and rushed over to sit on a bar stool next to Isak, and Mahdi and Jonas followed him. 

“Even, what time do you get off?” Magnus abruptly says after a moment of quiet. 

“I have an hour left, so about 19. Why?”

“Because, we are going out tonight,” he announces, a smug grin on his face. 

Jonas’ eyebrows raise, “To a bar that isn’t here? Do you know us?”

Mahdi scoffs as Magnus continues, “Yes we are, but Isak is staying home.”

“What the fuck, why?” Isak splutters.

“Because you’re Even’s cooler.”

“You what?”

Jonas leans over to Isak, “It’s something in one of those sitcoms he watches, it’s like someone that cools off anyone who finds you hot.”

“No I do not!”

“You do, but it’s not your fault, bub,” Magnus pats Isak’s shoulder, “It’s okay though, because Even will go out with us tonight and I’ll work my wingman magic and the cooler spell will be broken.”

“I really don’t think that’s how it works but fine, I have to study anyway. Maybe I’ll get Eskild to come see me and Noora,” Isak says, already pulling out his phone. 

“You do that, man. We should get going.”

“Do I get any say in this?” Even says, “Like at all?”

“No, your mindset is hazy because of the cooler spell. We’ll all meet at Even’s later.” 

He rolls his eyes as he puts a couple of glasses away in the cupboard behind him, “Well I’m going to walk you home, Is. You can wait with me.”

Jonas sniggers to himself, “You do realise I’m going right now and he literally lives with me.”

“Leave us alone, asshole,” Isak snaps.

.

The bar was quieter than usual for the next hour. A few minutes before finishing his shift, Even makes his way back to Isak who had just finished a phone call to Eskild. 

“You know, I think it’s probably true, about the cooler thing.”

“What do you mean?” Isak says, putting his phone back into his jeans pocket. 

Even puts a cloth that he was cleaning glasses with underneath the bar, “I mean, you do demand most of my attention when I’m around people that I find attractive.”

“Name me one time that has ever happened.”

“Remember that girl Olivia who was flirting with me and you kept talking about how you couldn’t make out with anyone because you lived on my sofa? Or that time you hung around my neck because you were sure that boy - who came onto me in this very bar - was homophobic?” Even listed, smirk on his lips.

“He was! He was wearing bootleg jeans, Even!”

He lifted his chin in disbelief, “All I’m saying is maybe it could be different if I looked for a hook up without you here. I think it’s more me than you, I don’t really see a need to be dating someone when I’m around you because you take up that space.”

Irritation began to grow inside Isak, “What is that supposed to mean - ‘I’m taking up that space’?”

“I mean that we do everything together - you must see that it’s closer than normal friends, you wouldn’t do half the stuff we do together with Jonas.”

“That’s different and you know it.”

“How?”

Isak let out a heavy sigh, “Because it’s you and me, that’s always going to be different.”

Even’s posture was rigid with annoyance that Isak wouldn’t just admit it, “It’s just hard to read when you don’t talk to me about stuff like this,” he mutters, “Does it offend you that I act more like a boyfriend than a friend, when that’s what we’re supposed to be doing? I only found out you spent my whole relationship with Sonja tearing yourself apart after I’d been your boyfriend for six months. You don't talk about this stuff.”

“We’ve always been close, Even,” he pointedly states, “We’ve been that close since we were kids, and we dated for three years - our situation is weird but we promised when we broke up that it wouldn’t change anything. I swore to you when we first got together that no matter how it ended, we wouldn’t stop being best friends. I thought that was fine with you but suddenly you don’t like being around me because you can’t hook up with random people? I’m in your space? I offend you?

“You hook up, Isak.”

“And I have a right to, so do you! You don’t stop me and I don’t stop you, we’re friends,” Isak rubbed over his forehead.

Even grunts to himself, “Have you ever considered that I don’t see the need to when you’re around? I think you and I both know we’re not friends, Isak!”

There’s a silence after that. 

“You’re my best friend, Ev. I’m sorry if I’m not good at it but I just figured that by now you took me as I am.”

“Isak-”

“I’m going home. Don’t come find me before you go.”

“Is!”

“Leave me alone, Even.”

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

TO BE SO LONELY

By Harry Styles

don't call me "baby" again
you got your reasons,
i know that you're tryna be friends
i know you mean it
but don't call me "baby" again
it's hard for me to go home
be so lonely

→ 20 and 22

August 2019

“We can’t keep doing this, Is.”

“I know.”

They were sitting against Isak’s bed, sitting next to each other and yet nothing about it felt close. 

“You know how I feel about you, but I can’t keep trying to convince you,” Even’s eyes were blank and tired, he was so tired. His cheeks were wet with fear of how they would both leave this room. He couldn’t let this be it, he refused for it to happen.

“And I can’t keep being scared of becoming a bad ex.”

Even shifts his body to face Isak slightly, “You have nothing to lose here. Can you just tell me what it is? Just say the words in your head? Please?”

“It’s just hard to explain. I- It’s like, I always thought of love as something heavy. Like you have to act a certain way to keep the other interested in it and you have to work at it all the time. It’s something you have to carry with you - I saw my parents carry it everyday. And with you, it didn’t feel like that, and it scared me. I’ve been so scared of becoming someone where it did, scared of you thinking I’m-”

“Like Sonja.”

“Like I’m suffocating you. I didn’t want you to think of me like you did with Sonja. It wasn’t me being jealous, I haven’t been jealous at all. I just didn’t want you to talk about me like you did with Sonja,” his voice cracked, “This isn’t healthy anymore. I miss being healthy with you.”  He tried to avoid Even’s eyes with everything he had, Benji was asleep on the bed and he kept staring at him to stop himself.

“Can we have tonight?”

Isak head nods, “So this is it?” He felt wetness in his eyes. 

“This will never be it. I promise you, you’re not losing me, this isn’t us ending. Okay? I promise.”

“Can we make those promises?”

Even’s response was delayed but he smiled, still seeing the same Isak he always saw, “Course. So, I promise we won’t lose each other.”

“Still do Film Friday.”

“We’ll still be us, and we won’t be weird,” Even says, “And we’ll be honest. If we miss being together, we say it. If we need space, we say it. If it hurts, we still say it.”

He holds onto Isak’s hands, entangling their fingers together, “You know that I love you, I always have.”

“I’ve never doubted that. And you know I’ll always love you.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t cry, Ev,” Isak whispers, reaching up to brush the tears from his cheeks. 

“Sorry, it’s just a lot.”

Isak nods, wiping over his own cheek with his sleeve, “I know."

"It hurts."

"It does, babe. I'm sorry, it hurts me too," he presses a kiss to Even's temple, "But I promise all of this, we both do, yeah?”

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky,” they interlock their pinky fingers and Even presses a kiss to them.

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

TOGETHER

By Ryan O’Shaughnessy

why would true love look me in the eye and lie... lie...
i thought we'd be together till we die
i'll forever wonder why
i thought we'd be together till we die
i'll forever wonder why

→ 21 and 23

June 2020 - 20:00

Even looks at himself one last time in his bedroom mirror. He’d been pacing around for most of the time he had been getting ready, and his hands kept fiddling with anything he could get his hands on - he wasn’t used to fighting with Isak - you would have thought he would be but he just isn’t. They’d always avoided arguments when they were kids and when they were older, they settled for passive aggressive songs being left in their playlist. Looking back, it probably wasn't the healthiest option. When they were actually together, they only fought a handful of times seriously, and the other times was just stupid bickering - they made a conscious effort to let themselves fight but they wouldn't let it get to a point where they weren't speaking. So, they rarely had fights like this - especially not when Even was going out to a bar somewhere.

Boyzzz groupppp  
Today, 19:38

Magnus

Me and mahdi are on our way

Mahdi

He’s stupidly excited

Magnus 

I haven’t seen his game for YEARS

Jonas

When have u ever seen his game 

Magnus

I was around him and isak for years

Mahdi

Thats not game thats him being a
boyfriend

Magnus

Let me live 

Boyzzz groupppp
Today, 19:52

Magnus

We’re outside

Jonas 

Are we pregaming at yours even?

Isak’s over here with noora

Even 

is eskild over at yours with him?

Jonas

No he was working i think

Even 

oh okay. pregame at mine is fine

Even goes out into the kitchen to grab the bottle of vodka from the top of the fridge, and then makes sure he definitely put beer in the fridge earlier. He hears bangs on his front door and calls from the hallway, but before he answers it, he decides to text Isak.

isak ❤️
Today, 20:04

i’m sorry

if you don’t want me to go, i won’t

we can talk instead?
Delivered

June 2020 - 22:00

“Are you going to be okay?” Noora asks, picking up her bag from the sofa.

Isak waves his hand dismissively, “Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be fine, go have fun,” he encourages. Noora had her fifth date with Eva tonight but she hated leaving him when he was clearly upset about his fight.

“You sure? I can stay.”

He shakes his head, “No, don’t be silly, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” she kisses his cheek and steps away from him, “If you need me, let me know. We can both come over if you need us. Love you.”

With that, he’s left on his own. He found himself muttering to himself and pacing around to try and think of something that wasn’t Even finding someone - he couldn’t believe it was something he was getting so worked up about. He unlocks his phone and looks at Even’s text that he’d opened earlier.

Even ❤️
Today, 20:04

i’m sorry

if you don’t want me to go, i won’t

we can talk instead?

When he saw the text, it had made him angry. He didn’t want Even to think the reason he was so mad was that Even was moving on, or that he was his cooler, or that he just didn’t want him going somewhere without him. It was that the argument made him think that he was in the way of something. So he left him on read - which he regretted at this point in time. 

His phone dings with a Snapchat notification from Magnus. It’s a video of Even sitting down with a girl. She had long brunette hair, curled into little ringlets and she wore a red dress, she was beautiful. Before he knew what he was doing, he’s calling Even. 

“Hello?” His voice is quiet and it’s hard to hear over the loud music booming in the background. He can hear Magnus yelling asking who it was, and it’s all layering on top of Isak. He rubs over his arms to calm himself down when he hears Even’s voice saying something but he doesn’t know what because it’s too much. 

“I need you to come home.”

“Isak you always do this, this is why we’re arguing!” His voice doesn’t quaver like Isak’s did, it’s strong and direct and he needs something from Isak that he isn’t sure of yet.

“Please.”

He hears Even’s chair in the receiver, it’s being scraped on the floor and he thinks Even’s standing up, “Isak, I’ll come but only if you tell me why. Please just give me a reason.”

“Because I need you. I’m scared and I need you, Ev.”

now playing:

• added by isakyaki •

MR LOVERMAN

By Ricky Montgomery

i'm mr. loverman 
and i miss my lover, man
i'm mr. loverman, oh
and i miss my lover

June 2020 - 23:00

Even had managed to sober himself up on the walk back home - he felt like he had been walking for hours even if it had only been about half an hour. When he first went out, they all got a tram but he wanted the walk to think over how exactly to go into the situation with Isak - he couldn’t decide if he was angry at him or not. He was more frustrated that Isak wouldn't admit that they didn't act like friends. He figured that Isak was upset from the phone call, so he wanted to go in with an open mind of hearing him out.

It was weird to fight with someone who knew you that well. When he got to Isak’s door, he knocked before walking in, which was something he only did when they were really in a bad space - even when Even was depressed, Isak rarely knocked. 

“Is?” He calls into the apartment. He noticed empty wine glasses on the kitchen counter, next to a pan full of uncooked pasta that he assumed Isak was going to make but never ended up doing it. He also sees an unopened DVD case by the television that he remembered Isak saying it was for Film Friday this week, it was The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a film they watched religiously as teenagers.

Even decided to make his way into Isak’s bedroom and he finds Isak sitting on his bed, “Hi.”

“Hey you,” Even says softly.

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I do stop you whenever I think you’re trying to date, and I’m sorry.”

Even decides to sit down next to him - Isak was sitting against the wall where the pillows were so Even sits at the end of the bed, “Don’t apologise, just talk to me, okay? Why?”

Without stopping for a breath, Isak replies, “Because I’m selfish and awful but I just,” he stops himself from talking for a second. 

“But what? Please, just tell me.”

“I want you,” he laughs nervously, pulling at the seams of his pillowcase, “I always have and I’ll always want us to work - I’m scared because you’re the only person who never left, and I’m scared you won’t like me like that anymore - or that I’ll ruin what we have now. I never meant to stop you, but I have been and I know that now. I’m sorry.”

Even crawls over to sit next to Isak at the head of the bed, and puts his arm around him, “I’ve wanted you all my life, I will never not want you.”

“We broke up because I was scared and I still am. I wish I could be your boyfriend but we don’t work because I’m scared all the time.”

“Why do you say we didn’t work? I think we were great.”

Isak shrugs, “I was paranoid of becoming some you didn’t like, Even. That’s not working.”

Even nods his head, “You were at the end, yeah. But, you always went out of your way to make sure we were both okay. You looked after me and you looked after you, and I did the same. I think that's working,” he meets Isak’s eyes for the last sentence, as if it would somehow get it into his mind, “You are right, though, at the end, you were more scared than happy. I’m glad we broke up when we did, and we didn’t drag it out because I want you happy. I always do.”

Isak looks back to his hands.

“You know, I don’t think you actually remember, but the night that you left home, I got you from a bar when you were with Eskild.”

“I remember, I don’t remember you getting me, but I remember being with Eskild that night,” Isak tells him.

“You told me that I wasn’t yours. You were really upset and you were mad at me.”

Isak looks around the room, he felt he didn’t want to look at Even in case he cried.

Even tried to catch his eyes but failed, “I never said sorry, and I want you to know now that I am. I really never meant for you to feel like I wasn’t. I’ve been yours since I was thirteen - probably since we were still toddlers. I’m sorry you had to watch my relationship with Sonja, I really didn’t know you felt that way about me back then. I didn’t know it hurt you  - and I am so sorry it’s taken me this long to apologise. But I was always, always yours - I always have been and I always will be.”

“Thanks,” Isak says, a tiny smile on his face, “I knew you never meant it.”

“I also think you’ve grown a lot since then. When we broke up, you said that you missed being healthy with you. I think we were so used to being healthy that we noticed when we weren’t anymore, so we stopped it - I think that’s the definition of working. Tell me what you’re still scared of.” 

 “I can’t lose you but I don’t want to see you with someone else,” Isak found himself finally saying the things he hadn’t even known he was holding in. He was trying to swallow around his dry throat in the pause between them, “You’d be better off if you just found someone beautiful and fell in love properly without me questioning your every move-”

Even kisses him. They haven’t kissed in ten months, and it was how Isak remembered it. It was nice and safe, and Even. Strong and gentle. Warm. 

“It would be less complicated for you to have someone else,” he says softly, forehead against Even’s, not letting his eyes open in case he’d disappear - he could feel the dampness in his eyes, even with them closed shut. 

“They wouldn’t be you. And you’ve grown up since we broke up, like I said,” Even says, resting his head against Isak’s, “And I love you. I have always loved you, I never stopped, I don’t know how to stop. You know, I don’t think I know how to not love you, it’s all I’ve ever known.” 

Isak smiles, finally meeting Even’s eyes. 

Even wiped his thumb across Isak’s cheek, wiping a tear from below Isak’s eye that was about to fall, “You’re the most special thing in my life. You know I won’t ever find someone else, especially when I have you. I said you take up that space because I would rather have you as a friend to fill that space than having anyone else.”

“I never thought you would cheat, I never have. I know you.”

“You know me. You should know you’re all I’ve ever needed or wanted,” he rubs against Isak’s arm in an attempt to ease his nerves, “You’ve been with me every episode I’ve had, when I’m the worst version of me. You were there before we even knew what that was.”

“You’re not hard to be with.”

He smiles to himself, “And you’re the only person in the entire world that makes me believe that. That makes me feel like I’ll be okay when I’m in an episode.” 

“We just do it together.” 

Even feels him shrug from beneath his arm, “Together,” he repeats, “So why can’t you let yourself love me without worrying about us breaking up? Why not just let it happen, don’t overthink it - we’ve broken up now, Is. The fear is gone because we did that and I’m still here. I never left you and I never will. I promise you.”

Isak turns in his arms to face him more, “Pinky?” He holds his pinky out to him. 

His face breaks into a bigger smile, “Pinky promise.”

Isak kisses their interlocked pinkies, and he holds them to his chest as Even leans closer to him, before finally cupping Isak’s cheek with his spare hand and letting their lips meet again. Isak had always felt engulfed whenever Even kissed him - by his heartbeat which always felt that little bit louder, and the smell of the cologne that Isak could smell clearer. Engulfed by feeling of his skin and every sense Isak had was just full of him. It felt safe. Familiar.

Isak took the time to remember how Even was always safe. He remembered when they first kissed, and even their first couple of kisses, where he would think to himself how he couldn’t see the explosions that he found in those romance movies. He felt everything, but he expected fireworks to erupt at the concept of them being together - he only felt the simplicity of being stable and warm and loved. They were good together. It felt good. He wanted it to stay like that. He thought of those first kisses in this moment. He thought of holding hands, and how when he was thirteen with a stray kitten on his lap, Even kissed him and it felt like the tiniest kiss could solve any problem he ever had. How he knew Even held solar systems and oceans in him and brought it out of Isak.

In this moment, all he knew was them, and he wanted it to stay like that.

He knew this moment, this minute. 

“So pasta?” 

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

GROW AS WE GO

By Ben Platt

when you're high, i'll take the lows
you can ebb and i can flow
yeah, we'll take it slow
and grow as we go

June 2020 - 09:00

Isak woke up from the light streaming in from his curtains - it was always so light in the apartment bedrooms because the curtains were so thin. He stirred, still half asleep, when he started feeling pecked kisses all over his cheeks, Isak began to groan, hiding his face in his hands. 

“Why are you hiding?”

“It’s so early.”

“It’s nice.”

“It’s so early.”

“No it’s not,” Even laughs, sitting up in the bed, “I’ll make you breakfast, and I’ll make Benji breakfast!”

Isak pulls Even’s arms back down to lay with him, “He has cat food, you’re not cooking shit for him.”

“Come on, Is, get up.”

Isak manages to bury his face in the crook of Even’s neck, “Cuddle me for a while.”

“Mm, only a few minutes.”

.

now playing:

• added by Art Vandeley •

ME & YOU TOGETHER SONG

By The 1975

i've been in love with her for ages
and i can't seem to get it right
i fell in love with her in stages
my whole life

Isak found himself sitting at the counter and wondering how exactly he’d woken up to the boys asleep in his apartment. Jonas sat with him as Even danced in the kitchen as he made eggs, blasting a song he had no doubt would make its way onto their playlist within the day. Meanwhile, Magnus’ face was still smushed into their sofa, only wearing his underwear - and a blanket haphazardly thrown over his legs. 

“Where’s Mahdi?” Isak questions, drinking a gulp of his coffee.

Jonas yawned before responding, “He went home early last night to see Lily, like someone else I know! Ev, where were you?”

“I called him,” Isak says, putting his cup back on the table as Even turns to face him. 

“Isak, what the fuck? This is why he called you the cooler, man,” he laughed to himself, “You couldn’t let him have one night?” Jonas looked over to Even, who was wearing Isak’s Simpson’s t-shirt and a pair of jogging bottoms he knew that he kept here for Film Fridays, “Wait, you both slept here last night? You never do that when we go out somewhere, what’s going on?”

Even comes over with a couple of plates, letting his hand rest on the back of Isak’s chair, “We’re trying again.”

“You’re back together?”

“Whoa!” Magnus groans from the sofa, “You’re back with Even?” he exclaims, “Even’s a boyfriend again! This is so good, we’re going to get good food all the time!”

“What?” Even laughs, grabbing the pan from the stove to serve at the table.

Magnus rolls off of the sofa, wrapping the blanket around him, “Boyfriend Even is so much better than single Even.”

Isak rolls his eyes, “I don’t think he’s any different,” he keeps sight of Even, who pulls a chair out next to Isak so he could sit to eat.

“What? He cooked so much at Kollektivet,” Magnus explains.

“He cooks now he just does it at home, dumbass,” Jonas deadpans.

“Oh.”

“Congrats man, I’m glad you’re back together,” Jonas smiles, patting Isak’s back.

Benji stretches on the sofa, and slowly makes his way over to brush against Isak’s ankles. He takes this sign and gets up to feed him, picking him up in the process so he can hear him purr. 

While Isak is up, Magnus takes his seat just as Even is finishing eating from his plate, “I’m glad, too,” Even says, noticing how Isak is taking his time feeding Benji so he can hold onto the cat for longer.

Isak comes back to see his seat taken, so Even jumps up and gives him his own chair.

“Does this mean I was right about the cooler thing?”

“It means shut up if you want eggs,” Isak smirks, scooping some of Even’s eggs from the pan to a new plate for Magnus, and Even leans down to kiss Isak’s temple.

“Noted.”

fin.