Work Text:
Makoto and I had just finished recording for the day and we were on our way out of the studio. It was rather late in the day so it seemed like we would just pick something up in the dorm cafeteria rather than going out to eat. As we were thanking the staff and gathering our belongings, we bumped into our favorite group of people.
“Mitsuru, Makoto, what a pleasant surprise,” my rival, Ryota greeted. He gave a nice smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I gave him the same fake smile back.
“We always seem to be meeting up in this studio,” I replied. “How lucky for us!”
“Extremely lucky,” Ryota said. Kensuke could see the tension, so he tried to dissolve it.
“Do you guys have more work today?” Kensuke asked. He pulled out his phone, presumably to check the time.
“No, we’ve just finished for the day,” Makoto said. I checked my own phone. It was nearing ten o’clock, which meant that the dorm cafeteria would be closed. Convenience store it is.
“We have just finished as well,” Koki spoke up.
“Yeah, we were about to head out and get dinner!” Mamoru exclaimed. “Which is good, because I’m starving.” I would never understand how he could be so oblivious to the tension between our two units.
“Yeah, me too,” Kensuke said with a small awkward laugh. With all of the niceties taken care of, I was ready to excuse Makoto and I for the night. Before I could say anything though, Koki spoke.
“If you two would like, you can join us for dinner. It will be my treat,” Koki offered. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Like we would join them for dinner.
“That’s fine with me,” Makoto said. I just about choked on my own spit! What was he thinking?
“That’s wonderful,” Koki said. I could see the rest of Growth looked just as shocked as I did. I recovered quickly, not wanting Growth to see that I also was surprised by my partner’s behavior.
“Who would turn down free food, especially after how hard we worked today,” I said. Kensuke made a small noise of agreement, but winced when Ryota glared at him.
“Are you sure you two aren’t too tired?” Ryota asked. “You looked exhausted, and we wouldn’t want to keep you from getting home and resting.”
“The same could be said for you, you know. Ryo, you especially look tired,” I said with a sickeningly sweet smile. I could feel Ryota’s glare.
“It’ll be fun going out to eat all together, we can catch up!” Mamoru said excitedly. Ryota’s glare turned to Mamoru now. It seemed that everyone, bar Koki of course, was going to be receiving that look the rest of the night.
After that, we all headed towards the exit together. Ryota was worried about travelling together all as a group, but Koki assured him that it was late enough that no one would notice. I, for once, agreed with Ryota, but there was really nothing that anyone could do once Koki decided on something. He was pretty stubborn.
On our way to the restaurant, Koki starts up a conversation about an event coming up at the end of the month. It seems both Growth and ZIX will be performing there. There was talk about when the rehearsals were starting and what type of events there would be.
“Because it’s us, we’ll probably be taking as many pictures with ZIX as we will with SOARA,” Kensuke said.
“Yeah, I guess it’s because we are all friends,” Mamoru said. He threw an arm around Makoto’s shoulders, causing my partner to stiffen up. I had to stifle a laugh. Makoto looked so uncomfortable when he was touched like that by people without warning. Since Koki was walking on, oblivious to the situation, and still talking to Ryota, Makoto turned to me and mouthed ‘help’.
“We’ll take lots of cute pictures together, right Mamoru,” I said, guiding Mamoru’s arm off of Makoto. “We can take one right now and post it on Twitter!”
“Okay!” Mamoru said, agreeing easily. The fans knew of our two groups' rivalry and loved it when the six of us interacted. Posting pictures of us together got lots of people talking and was good publicity.
“Peace!” I held up my left hand in a peace sign and held my phone in my right. Mamoru next to me mimicked my gesture with his right hand and smiled. One photo was all it took, and the photo was uploaded.
“After work dinner together with Growth,” I read aloud as I typed out the message. I didn’t have any chance to watch the replies come in, as we arrived at the restaurant.
“Man, I love this place,” Kensuke said, placing one hand on his growling stomach. “I can’t wait to eat!”
“There are only a few other people here, which means service should be quick,” Ryota said. We were seated shortly after and given menus.
“There is so much to choose from, I never know what to get,” Mamoru said.
“Last time we were here, I got the fried chicken, and it was so good. I’m craving it now,” Kensuke said. Ryota put down the menu, obviously knowing already what he was going to order. Koki looked like he was debating hard between two things with the way his eyes kept flickering back and forth.
“I think I’m going to get tofu,” Makoto said.
“I’m getting the grilled squid,” I said. I could feel myself salivating just at the thought. Mamoru was right, there was too much to choose from. After we all had decided what we wanted, not just food, but some alcohol too, we placed our orders. The conversation had turned away from work and we started talking about what we had been up to in our private lives.
“And I thought that Koki was crazy because it just kept growing bigger and bigger! Ryota kept watering it everyday though, just like the instructions said, and I, as well as the other plants in the room, started getting scared,” Mamoru was telling his story, gesturing wildly so we could get a sense of just how big this plant was.
“It wasn’t even that big yet,” Ryota said, rolling his eyes.
“Yes it was! Even I was starting to get worried!” Kensuke exclaimed. “I thought it was going to start crowding the other plants, and maybe even eating them!”
“Eating them?” I asked incredulously. “Where did Koki even pick up this thing?”
“It’s kind of a long story,” Koki said. “It started with me leaving work and seeing an injured cat on the side of the road…”
XxX
“Wow,” I said. Koki had just finished his story, leaving me in almost tears, and Makoto trying his best to look unaffected.
“I tried to tell the shaman that I didn’t need a reward, but he insisted. We travelled up the volcano together and he pulled it out. After that, he sent me home with it,” Koki said with a small shrug, like it was no big deal.
“You do realize that things like that aren’t normal, right?” Makoto asked.
“Yeah, but it seems like things like that aren’t uncommon when you work for Tsukino Talent Productions,” Kensuke said with a sigh. I wondered about what other things they experienced. The food and drinks had already arrived, and I was really enjoying my squid.
“Ryota, that looks so good,” Kensuke nearly whined.
“It is,” Ryota said simply. At this, Kensuke did let out a whine.
“Please! Can I have some,” Kensuke begged.
“Hmm, let me think about it,” Ryota said. He then got a bite on his fork and raised it in the air. Kensuke looked at him expectantly, waiting for permission to eat it. “Nope,” Ryota quickly brought the food to his own mouth and ate it, likely relishing in the despair on Kensuke’s face.
“You can have some of mine, Kensuke,” Mamoru said. Kensuke eagerly took Mamoru up on his offer.
“Makoto, would you like a bite of mine?” Koki asked my partner. Koki held up a forkful to Makoto’s mouth. I could feel my chest tighten at the gesture. At first it didn’t seem like Makoto was going to let Koki feed him, but after some additional prompting by Koki, Makoto accepted the portion into his mouth.
Koki must have asked Makoto if it was good or something, because he nodded and smiled--in such a sweet way too!--but I couldn’t hear anything. It was like someone covered my ears. I excused myself to the restroom, and as soon as I got into the restroom, I locked myself in a stall and started coughing.
“Not this again,” I muttered. Inside the toilet bowl were a few bright red flower petals. My chest felt tight and it was hard to breath. Coughing more relieved that pressure, and I watched as a few more petals landed in the toilet bowl.
I knew what was going on and what was wrong with me, but I didn’t want to believe it. When did my feelings for Makoto get so strong? Coughing up flower petals is a symptom that no other illness causes, besides hanahaki.
The easiest thing to do would be to confess and see if he returned my feelings, but since I knew he didn’t, it would only cause tension among us. Makoto would start interpreting everything I did with him differently and the comfortable atmosphere we had created between us would be ruined. Even after I got my feelings removed, which I would do, because only idiots let a love like this kill them, Makoto would feel guilty and create space between us.
This was only the second time that I’ve coughed up flower petals. The first time was about a week ago, when Makoto and I were appearing on a TV show. I sighed remembering that day. It had been so hard to go on air after I realized what was wrong with me.
XxX
“The two of you have been making quite a name for yourself lately after your guest appearance on the show,” the interviewer complimented. Makoto and I were doing an interview about our appearance on a popular drama show that was currently airing.
Even though we each only had a handful of lines, the show was so popular that the publicity for ZIX was insane.
“We were really lucky to get a chance to play a role on the show,” I said “It was really fun!” Honestly, it had been pretty stressful to appear on the show, and the director was a perfectionist, so it had taken way longer than I had imagined.
“A lot of people say that the director, Mr. Kanashima, is quite the slave driver,” the host said with a laugh. “I’m glad to see the two of you aren’t too burnt out!”
“Mr. Kanashima has a clear vision that he wants to achieve and everyone on set works together to make sure it happens,” Makoto said with a shrug.
“So it seems,” the host said. “I bet it was nice Ms. Tanaka is playing the lead.” The way the host said this, you could tell she was trying to imply something. “Our sources have told us that you have gone out with her before,” the host continued. She really was reaching at this point. I knew that Makoto and the actress had met before and worked together on a smaller project,
“We met up a few times after recording some scenes for a commercial together,” Makoto answered. “That was back before she was working on this show.”
“Back before she got big then,” the host said. “The way you two interacted, it really seemed like you had chemistry. Are we sure there wasn’t something more going on behind the scenes.” Getting interviewed by gossip shows like this were tiring, because they always tried to find something that would get attention. Even if it was something with pretty much no basis.
“Since we have worked together in the past, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” Makoto said. Seeing as she wasn’t going to get a big scoop out of Makoto, she decided to switch gears.
“Another group that you have worked with in the past is Growth, how do projects with them usually go?” she asked.
“Growth and ZIX are friendly rivals,” I replied, “We don’t want to lose to one another, so we always do our best when we are together.”
“Do you guys go out for drinks and food after working together?” the host asked suddenly.
I thought about it for a minute. It wasn’t something that we made a regular thing, but it has happened before. “Sometimes,” I replied.
“One of our sources took this photo,” she waited a moment for a photo to pop up on the screen next to her. It was a photo of Makoto and Koki eating at a restaurant together. “The woman who took the photo called it a ‘very cozy looking date’, and those are her words, not mine.”
Looking at the photo, you could see what the photographer meant. The two of them were seated very close together and the ambience was warm. Koki was leaning towards Makoto, and the two of them were smiling softly. I could feel my body growing numb. The two of them really looked like a couple in the photo.
I coughed lightly to relieve some of the pressure in my chest. It felt like something was stuck in my chest. So I coughed some more.
“It’s so shocking, that Mitsuru is choking on his own spit,” the host said. “There really must be something going on here!” She gestured for someone off camera to come over. “Get the poor dear some water!” she whispered to him.
“There is nothing going on there,” Makoto said a little too defensively. With the way he talked about Koki sometimes, it wouldn’t be that big of a surprise if there was something going on there, would it? As I coughed, I felt something come up out of my throat into and into my hand.
“Why don’t we hear a word from our sponsors, and then we’ll jump right back into this juicy story,” the host allowed us to leave the set, and during this time, I brushed off Makoto’s concern and headed back to our dressing room.
Only once I was alone in the dressing room, did I look at what was in my hand. It was a bright red flower petal. Instantly, I knew what it meant, but I was in denial. It was only one flower petal. Besides, it’s not like I was in love with someone.
“Mitsuru?” Makoto called, knocking on the dressing room door. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine!” I called back. “Just wanted to fix my hair,” I lied. It had gotten a bit messy when I had coughed on set though. Maybe it wasn’t a lie. I set to straightening up my hair, as Makoto came in.
“Are you sick?” he asked bluntly.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “I just swallowed wrong.” I glanced over at him in the mirror. “What about you? Are you okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Makoto questioned.
“Maybe you’re nervous because they found out about your secret date with Koki,” I said. I could feel the pressure in my chest again, and I had to hold a cough back.
“I didn’t go on a secret date with Koki,” Makoto said. The way he couldn’t meet my eyes told me that he was hiding something from me. I could see a small tint of red on his cheeks. That confirmed it for me. Even if it wasn’t a date with Koki, Makoto had feelings for him.
“Okay, Makoto,” I said. After that, we went back on air, and I did my best not to think of the feelings he had for Koki or the feelings I had for him. It had been difficult because of the line of questioning the host continued, but somehow I made it through.
XxX
“Mitsuru, are you okay?” a voice called. I snapped out of my memories and back into the present. I must have been in here a while for Ryota to come looking for me.
“I’m fine,” I called back. I got up and unlocked the stall door, meeting Ryota’s eyes in the main area of the bathroom.
“Did you have too much to drink?” Ryota questioned. I figured that it would definitely be an easier explanation then what was really going on, so I nodded my head. Ryota sighed. “Come on then,” he wrapped an arm around my back. “I’ll help you walk.”
I hated getting help from Growth, it was like admitting a loss. I let him do it though, and we made our way back to the table.
“Is everything okay?” Makoto asked immediately, worry evident in his eyes.
“I guess I drank too much,” I said.
“I never knew you were weak with alcohol,” Mamoru said.
“I think I’m just really tired today,” I responded.
“It is really late,” Koki said, checking the time on his phone. “It is almost one in the morning.”
“It got that late!” Kensuke exclaimed.
“Time flies when you’re hanging out with friends,” Mamoru said, smiling. “I’m glad we got to spend time together tonight.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said. Since everyone was done eating by this point, Koki requested the check from the server and paid.
“I hope we can do this again sometime soon,” Koki said. Ryota clearly wanted to say something against that sediment, but held back, likely for Koki’s sake.
“It would be nice,” Makoto said. Koki smiled at him and, to the surprise of everyone, went in for a hug. I averted my eyes. Just pretend it wasn’t happening, and I’ll feel okay.
With that, we headed outside, finished saying our short goodbyes, and went our separate ways. The walk with Makoto back to our dormitories was quiet, and I could see him glancing my way a lot.
“Are you still feeling sick?” Makoto asked.
“Just a little bit,” I said. We got to the dorms, and headed to our rooms. Since they were right next door to each other, we didn’t have to part ways until then.
“Goodnight, Makoto,” I said, unlocking the door to my room. Makoto looked like he was going to say something, and so I waited a while.
“Goodnight, Mitsuru,” Makoto said finally, quickly heading into his room. I rolled my eyes. Why did it take him so long just to say goodnight?
It didn’t take me long to get ready for bed, and my plans were to head to sleep quickly so it could be a new day already. I wouldn’t have to see Koki or the rest of Growth for a long time, and I could have Makoto all to myself.
With the path my thoughts were traveling down, it was no wonder that I felt the urge to cough. I groaned. All I had wanted to do was fall asleep! I drug myself out of bed and headed to the bathroom. I still was only coughing up a few flower petals, but I knew it was only a matter of time before it got worse.
“When I start coughing up blood, that’s when I’ll start to worry,” I mumbled to myself. With that in mind, I grabbed the trash can that was kept in the bathroom and headed back to my bed. I needed to get some sleep, I had work tomorrow.
XxX
I woke up around noon the next day. I had woken up a few times in the middle of the night to cough up flower petals, so it had been a restless sleep. I cursed my thoughts before bed for influencing my dreams, and set about getting ready for the day.
I had a missed call from Makoto, and a text that told me our ride would be here at 12:30. I needed to hurry if I wanted to be ready on time. I was in and out of the shower in record time, and had my hair mostly how I wanted it to be by the time I left my room at 12:28. I had enough time to take the elevator instead of the stairs. I used the mirrors in the elevator to try and fix my hair as much as possible.
“Feeling better?” Makoto asked, as I greeted him outside. I had a headache from the lack of sleep I got, and probably the alcohol I drank yesterday, but other than that, I felt fine.
“Much!” I said.
“Good, we have a long day ahead of us today,” Makoto said. “Though the interview we had scheduled for tonight was rescheduled.”
“It was rescheduled?” I questioned. Makoto nodded his head.
“I guess maybe they had too much booked or something,” Makoto shrugged. “Whatever, at least that means we can get to bed early.”
“Is Makoto tired from staying out too late with Growth last night?” I asked. “Was that too much excitement for you, being around Koki that long?” I tried to say it in a playful tone, but it might have come out a little bit accusatory. Before I could try to change the tone with another comment, our ride got here. Makoto got in without a word to me.
The trip to the set was uncomfortably quiet. I didn’t know if I should apologize and try to let him know it was okay he liked Koki. Was I okay with him liking Koki? Not really, but he is my partner, and I should support him no matter what.
We didn’t really say much to each other as we worked together today. By the end of the day, I still wasn’t able to clear the awkward air around us. We arrived back home, earlier than expected, and I figured that I would get the chance to talk to him while we ate together at the dorm cafeteria.
“Sorry, I can’t… I have, uh, something planned already,” Makoto told me. He didn’t seem too sure of himself, and almost immediately I could tell it was an excuse to avoid spending time with me. Normally I would have fought it more, but I could feel the urge to cough growing stronger, so I just accepted it and let him go.
No longer hungry, I went to my room and upon entering, I started coughing. It was a little more forceful than yesterday, but there were still only a few flower petals. I still had plenty of time to sort out my feelings before I had to do something about it.
I really didn’t want to get my feelings removed.
XxX
Even though I was never able to directly talk to Makoto, things went pretty much back to normal by the end of the week. We worked together just as well as normal and the awkward tension when we were alone together completely disappeared.
My feelings for Makoto were definitely still there though, and it became harder and harder each day to hide my hanahaki. It seemed like I was coughing up flower petals much more often, and it became increasingly more difficult to discreetly dispose of the petals before anyone saw. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone found out.
The big event at the end of the month finally arrived. In the morning we were going to be finishing up the last of the photoshoots, and then would be live performances. Makoto and I were on our way to the venue.
“Of course we are set to take pictures with Growth first thing,” I complained loudly.
“You’ll live,” Makoto said.
“Depends on how many pictures I have to take with Ryota!” I countered. “I can only stand so many!”
“As long as you take good ones at the start, you won’t have to take too many,” Makoto replied.
“Ugh! I can’t take good pictures with Ryota,” I whined.
“You’re going to have to try,” Makoto said. He gave me a pat on the head. “I know you’ll make it through somehow.” I stopped my complaining and nodded. If it was for Makoto’s sake, I could do just about anything.
Once we arrived, we were whisked away for hair and make-up. Once that was done, we only had to wait for Growth to arrive and go through the same preparations.
“Alright, we’re ready to begin the shoot!” The photographer called Ryota and I over first. I knew it was bound to happen, and I should just be glad we are getting out of the way with.
“I hope you can actually give a real smile today,” I said to Ryota. I was referencing one of our past shoots together when the photographer kept complaining about Ryota’s smile.
“As long as I can pretend that you’re not the one next to me, I can,” Ryota said. “So maybe keep that mouth shut?” We glared at each other, but quickly changed to smiles for the camera. The photoshoot didn’t last too long and we managed to make it through without many complications.
“Next, Koki and Makoto,” the photographer requested. The two headed over to get their pictures taken. I didn’t like that Koki was taking pictures with Makoto, but it’s not like I had a real reason to complain, so I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t need anyone getting suspicious.
It was the first time in a while I was seeing the two of them so close together. Koki and Makoto looked good together, and Makoto looked happy to be with him. That convinced me. No matter what, I won’t let Makoto know my feelings, and I’ll get them removed. It would be useless to put it off any longer.
I started coughing, this time more violently than before. It was almost like the flowers inside of me knew I had finally had enough of them, and they were protesting. Ryota, Kensuke, and Mamoru looked over at me concerned, but I just waved my hand to let them know it wasn’t a big deal.
I hastily left the room and pretty much ran to the bathroom. It seemed no one was in there at the moment, which was good for me. As I threw up the flower petals, I noticed blood. It was hard to see on the bright red petals, but it was definitely there. A cold chill went through me. I hadn’t realized it was this bad already.
There was nothing more I could do right now though except to continue to cough up the flower petals. As soon as I got home tonight, I would schedule the surgery to have my feelings removed. It would be a very awkward conversation to have with our manager to be sure, but I was just going to have to suck it up and go through with it.
“Mitsuru, are you okay?” Kensuke spoke up from outside the stall. I began to panic. I flushed what I had coughed up down the toilet and attempted to swallow down more that I felt coming up.
“I’m fine, just feeling a bit sick,” I said. Kensuke wasn’t the type to push an issue too far.
“You seemed fine when we were taking pictures together,” Ryota said. Oh no, if Ryota was here too, then it would be difficult to avoid the issue. “Why don’t you come out, and we can talk.”
“Ryota’s really worried about you,” Mamoru said. Yeah right! There would be no way that Ryota was worried. Why did all three of them feel the need to follow me anyway? “Ryota said that he saw blood!” How close of attention was Ryota paying? If he saw blood, then there was no way that he missed the flower petals. So, he likely already knew what was going on and just wanted me to admit it. But for what?
“It wasn’t blood,” I lied, scrambling to come up with excuses. What comes out of your mouth that’s red besides blood?
“Then what was it?” Ryota questioned. He obviously was not going to buy any of the lies I came up with. I sighed.
“Ryo, it was probably just a trick of the light,” Kensuke said. “Why would he be puking up blood?” Kensuke came up with a lie for me, who would have expected that?
“Yeah, Ryota, why would I puke up blood? I have a stomach bug, not a stomach ulcer,” I said. I could feel a flower petal in my throat, but I couldn’t cough it up, or Ryota might get suspicious. I tried clearing my throat, but that somehow made it worse. Unable to hold back any longer, I started coughing, and that led to throwing up more flower petals.
“Open up the door, or I’ll break it down,” Ryota demanded. “I know what I saw.”
“We’re just worried about you,” Mamoru said. “I’ll hold your hair out of your face if you want!” I struggled to stop the vomiting, but I just couldn’t hold the flowers back. It seemed that it was no longer just petals, but full flowers as well. No wonder it really hurt.
“Ryota, don’t!” Kensuke exclaimed. Even though Kensuke protested, it seemed Ryota didn’t listen. The door to the stall forcefully jerked. Ryota was going to break it down! I sat on the floor trying to catch my breath after throwing up so violently. I flushed the toilet, best to get rid of the evidence, though I don’t know if I’ll be able to lie to Ryota.
Feeling like I would be okay now, I sat up and opened the stall door. “I’m really fine,” I said, looking at Ryota. If I could convince Ryota, it would convince the other two. “I just had an upset stomach this morning.”
“See Ryo, no big deal,” Kensuke said. Ryota scrutinized me. He must not have seen any reason not to believe me, because he turned away and left the bathroom without another word. Kensuke ran after him.
“If you start feeling really bad again and want someone to keep you company or hold back your hair, you can just ask me,” Mamoru said. “Big brother Mamoru will be here to take care of you!” I wanted to know where his obsession with holding back someone’s hair when they vomited came from, but I felt I would be best not knowing.
“Big brother?” I asked. Since when did Mamoru become my big brother?
“Yeah! I’m your big brother too! I know we’re rivals and all that, but you can rely on me when you need to!” Mamoru said. I wanted to complain. I didn’t need him to look out for me, I could take care of myself, but he just patted my head and left before I could say anything. It was annoying having Growth worry so much about me. I hated having our rivals worry about me. It was like losing.
Since they were gone, I took a moment to freshen up. I looked in the mirror and noticed a small smear of blood at the corner of my mouth. I carefully wiped it away, taking care to not smear it across my face. I then fixed my hair and left the bathroom.
When I returned to the shooting location, Makoto and Koki were off to the side talking to the rest of Growth. At least it seemed like they were done taking pictures together.
“Mitsuru, we’re going to have some group shots,” Makoto informed me once we were all together again. “Will you be okay to continue?”
“I’m fine! I took some medicine and I’m feeling a lot better!” I told him. His eyes lingered on me for a bit, but it seemed like he believed me. It seemed like I was lying quite a bit these days, at least I’m good at it.
The group pictures we took ended up being quick. The six of us were comfortable with each other and have taken many pictures together at this point, so it was fairly routine. ZIX was scheduled to take pictures with two more groups today from our own company, but that would be a little later on. For right now we had a break.
“Are you still feeling better?” Makoto asked.
“Of course! Mitsuru is feeling 100% better now!” I told him. Makoto sighed.
“Let someone know if you start feeling bad again, it wouldn’t do to have you sick,” Makoto said.
“Aw, are you worried about me?” I asked. I poked Makoto’s arm playfully. He would never actually admit to being worried, so it was fun to tease him about it.
“Yes!” Makoto exclaimed. I sat back, stunned. “You’ve been sick for a while now, so of course I’m worried.” He was paying that much attention? Since Makoto had never questioned my coughing or the way I hurried off to the bathroom, I figured he hadn’t really noticed.
“Even if you tell me that you’re ‘100% better’,” Makoto mocked my tone from earlier, “I know that you’re not. We’re partners, right? So tell me what’s going on. You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re not feeling well from me.”
I didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to tell him everything--all about the hanahaki and how I hated seeing him with Koki. The other part of me, the rational side, knew I shouldn’t say anything. I had promised myself I wouldn’t tell him about my hanahaki, so why should I break that promise today?
I’m planning on getting my feelings removed soon, so I wouldn’t have to lie to him and worry him much longer. If I told him today, he would probably feel guilty and worry about it even after it was taken care of. If I lied to him and told him I just haven’t been feeling well lately, he would only have to worry for a few more days.
I really wish I could tell him though. Confess to him and have him return my feelings. That isn’t an option though. I know how he feels about Koki, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship with my own stupid feelings.
“I guess I haven’t been feeling the greatest lately,” I finally say. “I guess I caught something.” It wasn’t actually a lie, was it?
“If we need to cancel the live today, so you can go to the doctor, we can,” Makoto said.
“I don’t want to,” I said. “I don’t want to let our fans down, and I feel like I can perform today!”
“You’re more important to me than our fans,” Makoto said. “We aren’t the only unit performing today, they can still see other groups perform.”
“I’ll be fine, Makoto,” I said firmly. “Like you said, there will be other groups performing, so our performance won’t be more than fifteen minutes. I’ll be fine that long. Until then, I’ll take it easy, okay?” Makoto looked like he wanted to argue more, but he dropped it.
“Okay, if you are that sure,” Makoto said. “But I want you to really take it easy until then.” I nodded my head. “Why don’t you rest on the couch over there.” Makoto gestured to the couch in the corner of our waiting room. Sleeping would likely ruin my hair and probably my make-up, so I wanted to refuse, but even just the thought of sleeping made me yawn.
“I’m not that tired,” I said. I honestly hadn’t expected to feel so tired. I guess the hanahaki had been keeping me up most nights, and the sleep I did get was poor. We had been so busy lately that I hadn’t realized how tired I was. Now that we had a moment to rest, it was really catching up to me.
“You just yawned, you can’t say you aren’t tired,” Makoto pulled me up out of the chair I had been sitting in and walked me to the couch. He sat down and I sat down next to him. “You can lean against me if you want,” Makoto said, looking away shyly. I giggled at his embarrassment, but did as he suggested.
It was nice laying against Makoto. He was so nice and warm. I snuggled into him. Even though his shoulder was a bit uncomfortable because of the studs on his costume, I still found it pleasant. Probably because it was Makoto. Closing my eyes felt really good, and before I knew it, I was asleep.
XxX
“Mitsuru,” I heard a voice call out to me. I ignored it and snuggled into my pillow. It was harder than I remembered, but also warmer, so that was nice. “Mitsuru!” I heard again. I felt a jab on my side.
“Ow,” I whined. “That wasn’t nice,” I mumbled. I just wanted to sleep longer. It couldn’t be morning already, right?
“Mitsuru, we have twenty minutes before we perform,” Makoto said. Perform? But we just had a performance yesterday, didn’t we? I felt another sharp jab in my side, and I sat up.
“That’s today!” I exclaimed. We didn’t perform yesterday, I just fell asleep at the venue!
“Yeah, that’s today,” Makoto said. I glanced over at him, he was definitely holding in a laugh.
“Do you find this funny!?” I exclaimed. “I have to fix my hair, and make-up, and we are probably supposed to be on stand-by soon!” Makoto couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer.
“Sorry,” he said. He composed himself. “So, you’re feeling better?” I did feel more refreshed after my nap, so I nodded. “Good. I already told the staff in charge of hair and make-up that you’ll need some last minute touch-ups, so they’re prepared.”
“Oh, thanks,” I said.
“You might want to wipe away your drool first, unless you want the make-up staff to take care of that for you,” Makoto said, miming wiping his mouth.
“I don’t drool!” I wiped my mouth, feeling a little bit of wetness. I jerked my hand back, thankful to see that it was clear fluid. After earlier, I had been a bit scared of finding blood.
“You drooled all over my pants too,” Makoto said, standing.
“Sorry,” I said. I didn’t even realize I was using his lap as a pillow. It had been much more comfortable than his shoulder, that’s for sure.
“It’s okay, the staff should be here soon,” Makoto said. As if on cue, the door opened and one of the hair stylists on staff came in.
“Oh yeah, didn’t we have a few more photo shoots?” I asked.
“They have been rescheduled until after the event,” Makoto replied. “They were running behind anyway, so it wasn’t really an issue.”
“Okay,” I said. I waited patiently for my hair to be fixed. A moment later, the make-up artist came in and touched up my face. After that Makoto and I headed towards the stage. We were performing before Growth, so there would be a small MC segment between our performances. Since we were the last in our company to perform, I wondered if we would finish up photo shoots after or if we would have to wait until all the performances were done.
“You guys are good to head on,” a backstage staff member told us. We had been fitted with microphones while we waited, and now we were ready to perform. The two of us headed on stage together for our performance.
XxX
A loud applause signalled the end of our last song. Makoto and I walked to the front of the stage and thanked our audience. At the same time, Growth came to join us on the stage. I could tell they had walked on when the screams multiplied.
“Hello, it’s nice to see everyone,” Koki greeted. The rest of Growth eagerly waved to their fans. I felt a tickle in my throat when I saw Koki, so I coughed lightly. Better avoid looking at him, just to be safe. It wouldn’t do to have a coughing fit in front of my adoring fans!
“Good work, ZIX,” Kensuke said. “Didn’t everyone have fun watching them perform?” The audience cheered in response. I could feel the need to cough growing stronger, and I let out another few light coughs. My chest felt tight and painful. This wasn’t good. I hope the transition happens quickly.
“We’re up next, and seeing them perform gets me fired up to give an even better performance,” Ryota said. The audience cheered with anticipation. Normally this was when I would give a retort about how they couldn’t beat us, but I was too afraid to speak.
“It is nice, being able to share a stage with ZIX,” Koki said. “Even though we are rivals, we are still friends.” Koki wrapped an arm around Makoto and the fans started screaming in joy. Joy was the last thing I felt right now. I felt sick. I just wanted to hurry up and get off stage.
“That’s right,” Makoto said. He gave Koki a small smile, and then turned to the audience. “Are you ready for Growth’s performance?” They yelled their excitement. I couldn’t stop seeing the smile he gave Koki. Why did he like Koki? Why did he have to smile at him like that? It was always rare to see a genuine smile from Makoto, so why did he give them to Koki so easily.
I started coughing pretty bad. It attracted the attention of some of the audience, one person even called out asking if I was okay. My coughing was so bad, I couldn’t respond. I didn’t want my fans to worry about me, I wanted to keep this to myself.
“Mitsuru?” Makoto called out to me, rushing to my side, and putting an arm on my back. I couldn’t look at him, I needed to get out of here. I could feel some stickiness as well as flower petals gathering in my hand. I had to get rid of them, before anyone noticed. If I didn’t get off the stage soon, the whole world was going to know I had hanahaki.
I pulled away from Makoto and staggered to the stage exit. I felt so weak from the coughing, I could barely make it a foot off the stage before I collapsed. My chest hurt so much. My head felt like it was spinning. I couldn’t take the pain much more, and I passed out.
XxX
The moment I opened my eyes, I knew where I was. Right in front of me, I could see the white walls, the medical machines--it was a dead give away. My chest felt tight still, but not as painful. I wondered if they gave me some type of pain medication.
“Are you awake?” Makoto asked. I hadn’t seen him sitting next to the bed, probably because I hadn’t really looked around the room yet. I turned towards him, and started to answer, but what came out of my mouth instead was a flower petal. I gagged a little and coughed another one up. Luckily it wasn’t as forceful or violent as when we were on stage.
Makoto and I stared at the petal for a moment, before he reached over to a small table by the bed and handed me a water bottle. I took a drink from the bottle and handed it back. He set it back down on the table. Neither of us knew what to say to the other. I was so disappointed in myself for letting him find out.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Makoto asked finally. “I don’t care who you are in love with, I would have tried to help you.” He couldn’t meet my eyes and stared down at the floor instead.
“I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I figured I could handle it myself,” I answered.
“You call this handling it yourself!?” Makoto yelled. I flinched back, and I could feel myself tearing up. I just wanted to make it easier for him! “I already said I didn’t care who you liked, I would have always supported you no matter what. What I wouldn’t have forgave you for, is if you just let your hanahaki kill you! Which is what you almost did! Is this person worth that much to you?”
“I wasn’t going to let it kill me!” I protested. Makoto looked up at me, and I could see the tears running down his face. He must have been terrified. I know I would have been if the roles had been reversed.
“You almost did,” Makoto said softly.
“I’m sorry, Makoto,” I said. He was right. I didn’t handle this the way I should have. I should have just gotten my feelings removed long ago. There was no point in holding out this long. I already knew Makoto didn’t return my feelings. I wasn’t planning on even telling him about them. I also knew that it wasn’t just going to go away on its own. I loved Makoto too much.
“So, what are you going to do?” Makoto asked. “Are you going to get the surgery?” I nodded my head. “You aren’t going to at least tell the person you like first?” I shook my head no, I could feel the tears running down my face. This was the last time I would get to talk to Makoto the same way. After I got the surgery, I would no longer love him. After I got the surgery, I probably wouldn’t care much, but right now I did.
“It’ll be okay,” Makoto got up and sat down next to me on the bed. He pulled me into a tight embrace and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I started sobbing. Through it all, Makoto just held me tighter.
“Whoever it is, is an idiot by the way,” Makoto spoke up once I had calmed down some. “I don’t see who would waste their chance to be with you. They obviously aren’t even worth all the love you have for them.” I laughed. It was funny to hear Makoto say that. He was trying to cheer me up, and he didn’t even realize he was doing it by trash-talking himself!
“If you’re saying that, it must be true,” I said. “I know I’ll find someone else eventually.”
“You definitely will,” Makoto said. We sat there for another minute before he spoke again. “So, are you really not going to tell me who it is?”
“Who do you think it is?” I turned the question on him. Makoto sat and thought seriously about it for a moment.
“Ryota maybe?” he said it more like a question, than an answer.
“Of course not,” I replied. Ryota and I would never work in a relationship. We might be friends now, but I could never see us being anything more.
“Kensuke?” Makoto guessed again. I shook my head. Kensuke and I hardly even talked! “Koki?”
“Koki!?” I was surprised by that. “You’re the one who likes Koki,” I said. Even though it hurt to say, it was the truth.
“I don’t like Koki like that,” Makoto protested. I rolled my eyes. Sure he didn’t. “I really don’t,” Makoto stressed.
“You totally do!” I said. “I’ve seen all of the evidence,” I couldn’t help but cough a few times.
“See!” Makoto said. “You’re the one who likes Koki. You always cough when you’re around him!”
“It’s not because I like Koki!” I said, exasperated.
“It has to be,” Makoto said, standing up. “Growth is still here, you could talk to him, conf-”
“I like you!” I shouted. Makoto stopped in his tracks. I could feel my face getting hot. I covered my face with my hands. I can’t believe I just confessed to him like that! I felt like I could die of embarrassment. I already regretted telling him. I couldn’t imagine how much more I would regret it in the coming days when things became awkward between us.
“Mitsuru,” Makoto said. He didn’t sound like he was halfway to the door, he had to be right next to me! I felt his hands grab my wrists and pull my hands from my face. I tried to fight it futilely. I opened my eyes and saw Makoto’s face right next to mine.
“Stop, you’re emba-” Before I could finish my sentence, Makoto pushed his lips onto mine. Was he really kissing me? I pushed away all of my thoughts and melted into the sensation. Even if this kiss was just Makoto’s way of trying to get rid of my hanahaki, I was going to make the most of it. May as well enjoy it just once.
“Mitsuru,” Makoto said, pulling away. “You really should have told me what was going on. Then you wouldn’t have had to suffer so long.”
“You’re just saying that because you want my hanahaki to go away. I know you like Koki,” I said.
“I wouldn’t have to do this to try and just make your hanahaki go away,” Makoto said. “You already agreed to getting the surgery, so it would be going away.” He paused. “I… like you.” I could see his face turning red.
“Really, truly?” I asked. Makoto hardly ever lied to me. He nodded his head. I threw myself at him, squeezing him tightly. He lost his balance and fell onto the floor, taking me with him.
“Let go,” Makoto said, trying to push me off.
“Nuh uh,” I said. “I’ve been wanting this far too long.” Makoto gave up and let me keep hugging him.
“It seems like everything here is going to turn out okay,” Koki said. Both Makoto and I snapped our heads to the door.
“I told you it was Makoto,” Ryota said to Kensuke and Mamoru.
“Yeah yeah, you have been gloating long enough,” Kensuke said dejectedly. “You also knew he had hanahaki for weeks now.”
“What?” I was surprised. Ryota knew I had hanahaki.
“I figured it out that night at the restaurant,” Ryota said smugly. I had no idea how he knew since then.
“I’m so glad that everything worked out,” Mamoru said. “We were all really worried about you! Ryota especially. He said he was going to force Makoto to return your feelings!” I laughed. How was Ryota going to make someone have feelings for somebody. Ryota laughed darkly.
“Makoto should be glad it didn’t come to that,” Ryota said. I could feel Makoto shudder. Ryota could be pretty scary sometimes.
“I was thinking that we should all go out to eat together,” Koki said. “Celebrate our hard work at the performance today, and the fact that you two are together. It would be my treat.”
“Sounds good,” I said. I helped Makoto off of the floor. One month ago, I would have never thought that it would end up like this, but I’m really happy that it did. I grabbed Makoto’s hand and the two of us headed out together.