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What in creation was this feeling that raked her so? A sickness that slithered from the pit of her stomach and bit into her heart. A disconnection of mind and body that left her chilled. Her mind swam through endless thoughts but concentrated on naught but this lingering sensation of dread.
So many battles she had overcome. To have survived so much, to have victory after victory given to her, only to finally taste the bitterness of fear. But those won before were unlike what she faced now.
War.
Often she was left with little time to prepare for such encounters. They simply threw themselves at her and the fighting ensued. War, however, was different. With the negotiations failed, all that remained was waiting. For it all to begin and to end.
It was maddening.
“Lean any further toward the flame and you’ll be caught ablaze.” A voice, peppered with a light chuckle, released her from the confines of her mind. Such familiarity in that tone. Warmth, kindness, and as always a bit of teasing sprinkled in.
Mismatched eyes peeled away at long last from the crackling fire nestled before her to the man who warned her of burns. Hien, settling onto the ground at her side, flashed her a smile while firelight danced in his knowing eyes. That smile, however, felt off. Not his usual gremlin grin he wore when some half baked scheme came to mind. No, this time there was a slip, a falter, in his otherwise childish expression.
“I would rather not see you burn like a moth.” The young prince added.
“Moth, huh?” Her mouth felt dry. Just how long had she been gazing into the fiery face of the camp fire? She tilted her head and returned a small but fragile smile. “Imagine the intimidatin’ sight that would be on the field.”
Hien paused long enough to consider the mental image and frowned. “You need not be on fire to be terrifying. I am full glad to be on your side whenever battle breaks out.”
Many have said similar words. Every time before she had taken them with a confident smile, eager to lend a helping hand. Once it was to protect others, another to bring peace, again for freedom… But now how many would lose their life amid the chaos of war? When did it end?
A tremble of her hand took her by surprise. With closed eyes and a frown threatening to pull down the corners of her lips she dug her fingers into the dirt at her side and the small space between herself and Hien.
She would not falter here. Fear will not rule her this day. Alisaie, and many more, relied on her courage.
“I would not tell anyone if you wish to talk.” Hien’s tone was low, a hushed but gentle hum. “’Twould be shameful for the prince of Doma to gossip. Especially of such an esteemed and honorable warrior like yourself.”
Kirishimi had no response to give, taken aback by such forwardness. Instead, if only briefly, she watched the young man at her side. Shadows danced at his side and got helplessly lost in his ebony hair. The flickering embers sparkling in his eyes as he sneaked curious glances back at her.
When she failed to give him answer, Hien gave a subtle cough to clear his throat. “Alisaie, Lyse, Alphinaud… They all speak of you with such high regard. Many times they’ve even regaled me with stories of your adventures. Myself included, I should add. I have seen first hand what you and your friends are capable of! Yet imagine my surprise to see the sight before me. A very sobering moment.”
Be it his intention or no, Kirishimi felt a twinge of hurt from his words. If he were so keen to catch her in a moment of weakness, what did the others see of her? Frustration echoed in her heart. Her nails dug deeper yet into the dirt.
“All this waitin’ has me on edge. Havin’ to sit through that negotiation and naught but listen to that man drone on about how willin’ he is to throw lives away. Dandelion fluff to the wind. A craven hearted bastard like him knows nothin’ of death.” Kirishimi’s words felt as if she had snarled them through clenched fangs. A welling anger clouded her eyes. Yet despite the tension in her muscles, she sighed, a stray lock of silver hair fluttering against her cheek.
“I cannot even look these soldiers in the eyes. I cannot save them all. I’m helpless to give them the future every last one of them deserves to see.”
The light of the fire dimmed, its hue blending with the darkness of the encampment around them like water colors on canvas while tears threatened to fall. Even amidst the warmth and heat of such a fire, she felt as chilled to the bone as her time in Ishgard had left her. The sting of rocks and pebbles pressing into her palm seemed almost distant in comparison to this whirlwind of thunderstorms behind closed eyes.
When she felt truly at odds with herself, so bitterly lost to the chaos, she felt it. A touch of warmth that nearly jostled her. Fingertips delicately dusted along the top of her hand, weaving between her tightened knuckles, overlaying his palm with hers and plucking it from the dirt. Such tenderness. Each touch meaningful. Slow and gently he overturned her hand, dusting aside the dirt.
She dared not look up. To meet Hien’s gaze whilst his fingers entwined with hers. Calloused as they may be, his hands felt as if an anchor in reality. A guiding hand away from dismal thoughts. A reminder that he was just as alive as she.
“It is not your sole responsibility to bear. You have given them hope, is clear to see. But through that hope these men and women strive forward to reach their futures. They have chosen this path so that generations to come will flourish. Many have you and the Scions to thank for encouraging them to move forward.”
His grip tightened around her hand while his remaining hand came to rest beneath her chin. The bonfire crackled as if snickering at her.
“Now then, hold that chin up high. We have come so far together. ‘Twould be awful should you appear to be miserable in my company now. I can already hear the rumors that should spread.”
As encouraged with a light lift of his hand, Kirishimi raised mismatched eyes of fire and ocean to meet his. Nothing but a childish, but endearing, grin painted on his features. His eyes were alive and full of energy. She could nearly feel his enthusiasm in the palm of his hand, his heart beat must have been as pounding as hers.
“Kirishimi, the Warrior of Light…Appalled by the prince of Doma…” She breathed at last, the sensation of drowning having finally been put to ease. A smile of her own danced on her lips. “Though I do recall you making mention that it wouldn’t be the first time.”
Hien feigned a hurt expression. “’Tis true then? Will you not endure this fool any longer?” His curled index finger, beneath her chin, encouraged her closer. The corners of his lips hardly resisting a grin.
As he beckoned, she obeyed and leaned closer still. Whispered across her cheeks she could feel the heat of his breath, almost an intoxicating sensation. “Perhaps as a charity I could spare the time…”
“Time we cannot spare sitting idly by!” A voice, high pitched and demanding.
In a panicked shuffle the two broke apart, sparring a moment to look to Alisaie who approached with powerful determination.
“Alisaie!” Hien nearly choked on her name. “It would be an honor if you joined us. Better to spend time among friends than pacing.”
Alisaie huffed, shrugging at his offer. “’Tis true, I have done nothing but circles around the encampment. It is a great assurance to see Kirishimi in high spirits even in with such tension around.” Without warning she sat herself promptly by the fire, wedging herself between them.
Silence ensued before Hien cleared his throat. “W-Well… Perhaps I should speak with Yugiri and the others. Soon we will be on the battlefield and I have much to discuss with her. Until then, my friend.”