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Desire, Sayo has learnt, is a perilous thing for someone like her.
"Hmhmhmm~."
When her attention becomes transfixed by the feeling of Lisa's mischievous hands, snaking their way across her dress and tiptoeing just above her thighs, there's two parallel thought processes running through her brain. The first says it'd be a very good idea to eliminate the concept of purity from her mind, take this perfect opportunity, and give in to the affection she so desperately wants, right here and right now.
The second says she's going to end up hurting Lisa.
"You seem pretty excited today~."
The slightest smile, with the slightest wince; sitting on the edge of the bed, with Lisa breathing hungrily into the lower half of her back, Sayo feels paralysed. If she was naturally capable of channeling even a smidgen of the romantic affection Lisa can, perhaps the paralysis'd come from longing, rather than concern. But she's been terrible at expressing such affection since the day she entered adolescence. "...How can you tell?"
"Because you haven't said a thing. I think you're in the mood~."
"Well, I have no reason to reject your advances in private."
"Oooh." Lisa moves herself up, brushing a fountain of teal hair aside, and rests her mouth against the back of Sayo's neck. "So, the wolf comes out when no one's watching~?"
The way it's whispered sends a few shivers down her spine. She smiles. "...Perhaps."
"Mind if we get a little wild, then~?"
"I suppose not."
A hum, and Lisa's kissed her on the cheek; then she shifts herself around and gets a good feel of Sayo's legs, eagerly brushing her hands up and down Sayo's knees while staring at her with a hungry grin. She's deliberately caressing Sayo in ways that'd make even the most composed crave more, charged with all the love and joy in the world. Normally, it's hard not to fall into her pace...
...but Sayo can hardly move right now.
If only, she thinks; if only she could tune out the part of her that's worried, and focus on her longing for Lisa's lips instead. She wants to make out, bad. In fact, she's become increasingly incapable of hiding just how much she wants to reciprocate. It's embarrassing, but she has a bit of an infamy among Yukina and Lisa for her red-faced 'hard-to-get' factor at this point; they gain a lot of entertainment from taking the initiative and teasing her, or deliberately allowing her to play for control. I-it's saying something that even Yukina's started to cling to her arm so unashamedly.
She... she knows she wants them. They're at the point in their relationship where such a yearning for intimacy would naturally grow beyond a few pecks on the cheek; after all, they hardly ask before snuggling up with each other anymore. Imagining the warmth of Yukina and Lisa's lips... maybe more than usual on the mouth, or as a mark on the neck... or better yet, both at once, covering different sides of her... for someone who never considered herself affectionate by any means, it's a desire that's beginning to fuel Sayo as much as it does her girlfriends.
And yet every single time she considers acting upon that desire, a scene flashes into her mind. A scene where she does just that:
She's locked deep in making out with Yukina or Lisa, holding them as close as she can. Her blood is pumping, and their neck is exposed. Looking at it, she moves down, and decides to venture into something a bit more risque than kissing; the temptation from her girlfriend's passionate embrace is just too strong.
Eagerly, she bites.
'Ack! S-stop!'
- -- -- - - - -
She freezes.
'W... why did you...'
Pain.
She hears pain.
When she looks up to see their face,
their trembling expression makes it clear.
They're terrified of her now.
They stare at the bloodshot eyes of a hairy, power-hungry, salivating wolf, and fear for their own life.
...
...Monster. She's just a cold-hearted monst-
She could swear she's throwing up.
"Sayo!"
"Ah!"
Lisa's voice snaps her out of it. There's no frightened partner, no unending nausea, no blood on the lip; nothing's happened.
But then her sight fuzzes. For a moment, the soft light of the window and the warmth of Lisa's touch disappear, hidden behind visions. She tenses her muscles to try and flush the fear out.
...
...
...
...What a dreadful outcome that'd be.
She knows she'd never intend such a thing, ever. Not in her life. From her point of view, 'the heart wants what it wants' is no excuse. But that doesn't mean accidents can't happen. Especially not with things like this. There's no code to love, no objective set of rules; no guidelines she can follow that'd let her safely fall into someone else.
Compared to her, her girlfriends have become very invested in physical affection. Lisa in particular's felt her in quite a few places. None of their love has been discomforting, or brashly forward; quite the contrary, actually. When Sayo manages to silence her fears, she feels elated by their touch. But that's only because Lisa and Yukina already know what love feels like. The two of them have spent years with each other, time where they've learnt how to be considerate up close. And Lisa wears love on the back of her hand; she knows what makes people happy, and what doesn't. She knows when it's safe to slip just a little further beneath Sayo's collar, and she knows when it isn't. She knows Sayo's comfort level. She never makes Sayo feel unsafe.
Who's to say the reverse is true?
What if, in one fell moment, Sayo lets her guard down, and her naive, near-robotic brain makes a wrong turn on the highway of intimacy, veering into the invasive, and she ends up doing something she can't take back-
"Sayo. Sayo."
...No, stop this train of thought. Compose yourself.
"You okay? You've just kinda... froze."
"..."
Slowly but surely, her senses return. Once the static fades, she finds two milky opal eyes trying to keep her awake.
"...My apologies." She returns the posture to her face, at least for Lisa's sake. "I must have overheated from having you this close. I'm not quite used to it yet."
"Overheated, huh. I'd be flattered if that was the case." Lisa gives her a light poke on the cheek. "Am I too much for you to handle?"
She can't help but chuckle at that. "I hardly think having my knee touched is too much."
"You sure?" Lisa brushes a curl of her hair. "You seem a little worn out lately."
"...What do you mean?"
Maybe the stress wasn't hidden well enough. Lisa's always perceptive; if Sayo's any indicator, there's not a single person whose expressions she can't detect. "I mean we shouldn't get touchy-feely if you don't want to. Tell me what you're comfortable with."
...A sigh. It's true; she can feel her arms quivering a bit, even. There's no point running headfirst into a brick wall, regardless of whether she craves what's on the other side.
She gives Lisa a light kiss, and leans back. "Thank you. This'll suffice for now. Perhaps I'll offer more when we get another opportunity."
"Sounds like fun. I'll savor that little gift you just gave in the meantime, babe."
"S-savor?" She can't help but blush. "It was hardly anything worth noting."
"Lip-to-lip's rare enough from you~! So give yourself some cooldown space now."
Lisa gets up and walks over to the bass perched in the corner, shifting to practice in peace. She starts tuning the strings, adjusting her posture... but before she gets the pick, she sends a wink Sayo's way.
"And lemme know when the wolf wants to come out and play~."
...
...Sayo doesn't respond.
Lisa's stunning. That trademark wink normally sends her into somersaults. Until now, she didn't know what it was like, for her heart to beat this fast. For the concept known as 'physical affection' to find a genuine place in her life. For her emotions to be indulged so much, by the radiant smiles of her beloved. When she looks at them head-on, she starts to have thoughts she never believed herself capable of; ways in which even a gesture as seemingly meaningless as the brush of an arm can inspire longing. They're thoughts she once believed impossible for her. For someone who was utterly detached from the concept of being a girl attracted to other girls until now, it's an overflow of a new world. Her mind races with all the different, tender ways she could fully express just how much she loves the two of them.
That's why she's scared.
---
VRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmMmmmmmmmmmmm
In comparison, the sound of a razor-refined chord is a sanctuary constant.
Sayo silences the strings after a sufficient pause, bringing the rumble to its electrifying respite.
"That was perfect."
When she opens her eyes, she's staring at her guitar and the lighter-blue carpet of the Minato residence's spare room, a space well-arranged for a passing resemblance to studio practice. She needs only look up to see a cherished face. "Are you sure? It's only been two hours."
"I am. That was exactly the kind of sound I had in mind for this song. Thank you for your time, Sayo," Yukina says. "And thank you for modifying these phrases on such short notice. If you practice them until you can reliably perform like you did just now, that'll be all I need."
When Yukina says that, there's no denying it's true. Sayo lifts the strap over her shoulder and detaches it, beginning to put her guitar back in its case. "Very well. But know that I will always try to offer more."
A content exhale. "That's one of the things I love about you."
.
...
...She stands up. Every syllable is a vibration rumbling through her body. Her muscles lose all tension. It... should be a crime, to have a voice that beautiful and resolute. It's gorgeous. "Can I kiss you?"
Yukina blinks.
...Oh. A-ah. For god's sake- why- of all the ridiculous- what on earth is she- well, that was- "M-my apologies! I didn't mean to... to... to......"
Words fall apart. The sheer shame of looking so uncharacteristically, um, 'thirsty' causes her to desperately hide the heat on her face with one hand... though when she opens an eye, her girlfriend's simply standing there with a smile.
"...Forgive me. I didn't mean to derail our discussion with-"
Sayo's heart skips on her words when Yukina takes a step forward-
and a few more, until she realises their lips have already met.
"Mm."
...It's comforting. Yukina pulls back and lets the hand she rested on Sayo's neck slowly slide off. "You've let us kiss you plenty of times. So there's no need for you to be shy about asking us. After all, it's quite nice."
Goodness. Her charm is just as strong as Lisa's. "Only you could say that so confidently."
"Is there a reason you can't?"
"I-it takes a certain kind of person to describe kissing as 'nice'."
Yukina frowns. "Don't start teasing me like Lisa does."
"Fufu." Sayo's butterflies manage a smile. Trembling from the energy, she returns the favour by briefly giving Yukina her mouth. "...Don't worry. I won't."
"Good. Usually, I much prefer it when I'm the one flustering you."
Sayo nearly chokes on thin air. The resulting smirk from her silver caresser is a sight she won't forget for a while. It really is impossible to remain composed around these two, isn't it?
"Sayo. Don't let me delay your work. You can leave if you wish now."
...Well. She WAS planning on packing up and promptly heading home. But suddenly, she finds her schedule can afford to wait. The morning light still lulls. "I'm fine for a bit longer. How are the others coming along with their parts?"
"We're making good progress. But we've yet to have a session at Circle where I find our performance of this song sufficient. There's a lot of ironing that still needs to be done."
"We were wise to book several slots this weekend, then," she responds, zipping up her guitar case. A smile spreads on her face before she knows it. "Naturally, I'll do all I can to help with that. What about the new cover? Have we found a suitable piece yet?"
For some reason, just hearing Yukina speak as usual is fulfilling on its own. "I've been sent a selection by Rinko that I'm currently making my way through. Ako has also fervently recommended me a piece called 'Never Gonna Give You Up'."
"I see," she responds. "...May I listen to these suggestions with you?"
Her girlfriend smiles and rests on the sofa. "Sit with me. I'll get out the playlist."
"Gladly."
It doesn't even take a second for Yukina to wrap an arm around her once she rests on the sofa. A typical gesture at this point, to be sure, but Sayo still can't help but love it. Although she does find that trying to stay close sometimes results in some rather... haphazard seating positions. Perhaps the awkward posture that comes with wanting to be close is simply an obstacle she'll have to overcome.
A bud's placed in one ear. "Hm?" That's strange. Yukina's placed the other in her own ear. "Wouldn't the sound quality be inconsistent if we only used one bud each?"
"O-oh. Right. My apologies. Let's listen to it on speaker instead."
...Yukina's blushing and shifting around a bit. Suddenly, Sayo feels more self-conscious of their lack of distance; is Yukina uncomfortable like this? Is she happy to be holding Sayo right now? Or did she not mean to wrap that arm around her so casually? If it's the latter, then would she feel more comfortable if they parted?
Her questions get put on hold as the first song starts playing. The trepidation in Yukina's body seems to pass, fortunately, so eventually Sayo can sit back and start paying attention. Albeit without returning Yukina's embrace. Just, well... just in case it's not wanted right now.
...One of the songs in particular sounds rather unfitting for Roselia. "Yukina. I believe we should tell the other members to take these cover suggestions more seriously. Don't you agr-"
H-her.
Her hand's just been taken. She whips her head to the right, and suddenly there's a pair of yearning amber eyes a lot closer to her face.
"A-ah. Y-y..."
Sayo floats into a waterfall. She feels her back land on a cushion as Yukina immediately takes her lips and keeps them, breathing into her and never letting go. Curtains of silver drape the sides of her clothes, covering her in a lavender scent, and... it all feels strangely sudden. W-was she just oblivious this whole time? She assumed they were both focused on analysing the music...
"Mm~."
There's the sensation of fingers scatteredly running through her hair; it's enough to make her pull her beloved closer.
"Mmrh~... Y-Yukina."
A brief take-in of the air. "May I continue?"
She wants to. So she nods.
And by all means, the renewed passion is something she could drown in. Any moan that escapes her mouth is something she's fine with having travel into Yukina. But...
...well, make no mistake. She's certainly not complaining about the forwardness. On any other day, she'd probably end up desperate for more if she was kissed like this. But now she's distracted by her earlier confusion; why did she believe Yukina felt uncomfortable? Why did she so readily assume that her girlfriend wouldn't want anything like this with her? Did she even do anything that'd make Yukina hesitant to try it? Maybe that initial request for a kiss was too off-putting, perhaps, but Yukina seemed happy to give that...
It's strange. She's stuck in a cave. For some reason, even as Yukina wraps herself around her, there's thoughts in her head saying she's ignoring Yukina's boundaries, saying that her desires for intimacy aren't reciprocated; even though it's definitely mutual now. Just why on earth is she so hesitant about-
-
"...? Sayo?"
No.
She knows why she doesn't kiss Yukina back. It's the fear she's quickly becoming familiar with, getting in the way again.
How pathetic. "..."
"Should we stop?"
Yukina's still there. Her expression; it carries a resolute love Sayo wishes she could carry herself. If she knew of the mentality required to hold Yukina and Lisa with the same romantic conviction they hold for her, she'd do whatever it takes to reach it.
But evidently, that kind of confidence is a pipe dream. Some self-loathing thoughts never quite let go.
...Sayo moves back, mournful to part from the silver touch. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry. I should apologise for being too forward."
She shakes her head. "N-no. I haven't said this before, but... I hardly mind when you pin me like that."
"Well. You should say it more often, then. Just so I can be sure." Gah. Yukina's smile is a lot more devious than it seems sometimes. "Do you, um. Want to do anything else?"
"...Do anything else?"
Yukina squirms. "I-I wasn't clear enough. I mean... things like spooning on the sofa. Or hugging, or-"
"A-ah. Right." She can hear Lisa laughing at the two of them. It's a comforting thought, considering her bubbling distress. "Not now, if that's alright. Can we... talk, instead?"
"About anything in particular?"
"..."
When she places her hands before Yukina, Yukina holds them without another word. It's a rather ambiguous gesture for Sayo; she's not quite sure why she does it. But she feels safer when Yukina's touching them, at the very least.
"I... do have a problem that's been plaguing me. Regarding our, um... interactions. The romantic ones."
"I see. Lisa said something similar about you this morning," Yukina responds. "I'm always here. Please tell me if anything is bothering you."
"Thank you." She closes her eyes. "...Yukina. When I hold you like this, do you trust me, with being so close to you?"
"Naturally. What about you? Have you felt comfortable with these... things, we've been doing lately?"
"...I have. I never feel unsafe when you two are holding me," she continues. "Rather, my problem is that I don't trust myself. I often find myself paralysed when trying to show affection. I'm still not used to it."
"Do you think it's because of your dysphoria?"
She nods. "Partly. I always have to remind myself I'm allowed to engage in such acts. But I... I-I don't think that's the only factor."
The hands of Roselia's leader are unfalteringly warm. She's given all the time she needs, once again. No matter how many times she struggles and fights with herself, Yukina is always holding on to her.
And it makes her quake with fear. Because that very fact is what makes the possibility of scaring Yukina so much more terrifying. Imagine if someone was to give you all the love, support and advice in the world, no matter what dismal traits you showed them; and then you returned the favor by hurting them. Hurting them with your brute, lusting, non-committal desires. You spit on all the trust they gave you, by letting your guard down and slipping up at the worst moment possible, without any consideration for how high they've lifted you.
Their hands give you power, and you end up inflicting pain with it.
"...Yukina..."
That pattern of thought is what makes the trembling all so real for Sayo. It spreads a familiar grimace on her expression; this hypothetical outcome wouldn't be the first time she's hurt a loved one, after all. Worst-case scenario, it could even spiral her back into the disgusting old her she used to be, the fool obsessed only with making herself distinguishable and nothing else-
No. No... Yukina's warmth reminds her; her petals are so much brighter than that.
She needs to believe in herself.
"...I fear I may harm you."
The face she sees is one of surprise.
"Y-Yukina. To say that I've been through many things with you and Lisa would be an understatement. The ways you two have helped me are... countless. I treasure each and every second I spend with you. I treasure you enough that I would never dare idle and take you for granted," she manages. "I... words fail me often enough that I can't describe just how much you two mean to me, like this. But know that I could never see myself anywhere that isn't by your side. I want to forever stay on your path."
"..."
"That's why... more than anything, I'd..." Summon it. Summon that same courage you had, back during your heart-to-heart. "...More than anything, I'd hate to betray your trust. I don't want to make you feel like you're in danger when I'm this close to you. And that's exactly what I fear will happen."
Yukina takes a moment; when she closes her eyes, it usually means she's processing what she heard in full. "I see."
"I apologise. I've been stiff as a stone, even when you two desire me. But I... have trouble dispelling this fear. After all, I am not well-acquainted with romantic intimacy."
"Thank you for telling me. And there is no need to apologise; I refuse to do anything you would be uncomfortable during," Yukina responds. "To be honest, I do not believe you capable of harming me to any severity. Your caution is one of the many ways in which you are wonderful, Sayo."
She blushes.
"But your experience is not foreign to me. So I understand your hesitation."
Sayo blinks. "It's... not?"
"In some aspects. May I offer an anecdote?"
She nods.
"In some ways, my feelings during Lisa's first advances on me much reflected your own. I feared hurting her."
"For what reason?"
"Because I've hurt her countless times before. Our... history is fraught, to say the least. For the longest time, I was completely unworthy of calling myself her friend. I rejected every piece of kindness she gave me."
...Yukina and Lisa's past. It's not something Roselia knows much about. There's information anyone could pick up on regarding it, mainly related to Yukina's father. But the details of the impact it had on their relationship has never been divulged by either of them.
Despite the reminiscing, though, Yukina is smiling. "Perhaps I'll tell you more in the future. I feel it would be important to discuss at some stage. But for now, I'll make my point concise; when Lisa and I started dating, a part of me claimed I was only capable of burdening her. For every moment I languished on my past actions, I fostered the feeling that getting closer to Lisa would only mean I had more opportunities to hurt her."
"...I... see." She can only imagine. It sounds a heavy burden to bear. "How have you fought that feeling?"
"By believing otherwise. Believing that my presence will ultimately uplift her."
Sayo frowns. "You sound so certain, as always."
"And you can be too."
"...How so?"
"By talking to Lisa, as you have to me."
She blinks again. But she manages to piece together what Yukina means; a few seconds to process, and the crease on her brow eases.
Right. The feeling of being a burden has never been unfamiliar.
"It's something I've told you before, and vice versa. But I believe it especially bears repeating now; confronting these issues is our path to overcoming them. Facing our pain is the most important thing of all." Yukina calmly says, Sayo's hands in hers. "So don't leave Lisa in the dark. We should all discuss this together; we want what's best for you, after all."
"...Right. Running away would only make you two more concerned. So I'll use the strength you always give me, to fight this fear instead," Sayo states. "...Still. Do you and Lisa not find it insulting, how slow I am to reciprocate? Sometimes, I feel as if I'm mocking your desires-"
She stops that train of thought once Yukina shakes her head. "You already know my answer. Save these questions for her, if you're not convinced."
How inspiring.
With this blooming flower, she truly can change anything.
"...Thank you. I love you, Yukina."
"And I love you too."
Her girlfriend rests upon her, and meets her lips for one more second.
"Mm..."
It's home, no matter how many times she sees it. Even as her stomach churns, she wants to become closer. Her craving for more, more and more and more; every time they overload her with the hearts she never thought she'd see, she wants to do everything she can to let that craving free. Just like they do.
"...Yukina." The pangs in her heart don't lie. "When we're this close, I'm afraid for you. But I promise; I'll do my utmost, to express my love for you two. Just like you do for me."
The smile Yukina returns reminds her of the garden she breathes.
---
A certain member of Afterglow once said the sunset reminds her of what remains.
With the way it shines through the transparent curtains now, Sayo can see the appeal. Lisa's home is particularly suited to it, she thinks; the entire place reflects the exact kind of constant, loving support Lisa herself gives. She could probably identify this place through smell even if her eyes were closed, thanks to the delightful trend of aromas each room is freshened with; especially the kitchen, whose aroma can be partially attributed to herself... or more precisely, what she makes with Lisa in it. Sweets of all kinds, some maybe half as filling as the lilt of that very angel's voice:
"Sayooo, c'mon! Sit down with us!"
She smiles again. Painted by the sun's love is a pair she's selfish enough to want more of, despite all she already has; Lisa's merrily leaving a space open to the sofa's right, her back perched on a Yukina very invested in a cat-shaped cushion. "You can hardly wait, I see."
"'Course I can't! Forget about the coffee and cookies for now, okay? Lemme mess around with you."
Now there's a surprise. "We're skipping the cookie formalities today? That's unusual for you. Are you worried we'll feel sick if we move around after eating?"
"Oh? 'Move around' meaning... what~, exactly?"
Why is there such a devilish grin on her face? "Well, I imagine we wouldn't digest our food well if we're going to-"
Heat rushes to her face.
...She fell right into that, didn't she?
"You're blushing, Sayo~."
"..."
"Youuuu're blushing~!" Lisa giggles with an unfair amount of charm. "You should be more honest with yourself. You were totally thinking of making out with us, weren't you?"
"I-I wouldn't do anything that loose in the middle of the afternoon..."
"I hope you don't mind if I do," Yukina cuts in. "I'm hungry."
"Want me to hold a cookie in my mouth for you, Yukina?"
A raised eyebrow. The suggestion's evidently enough to distract Yukina from her enticing cotton-made cat. "I'd like that."
"Yes!" Lisa fistpumps. No doubt she's been saving that idea for a while. "You sure you don't want in, Sayo? There's always room for another mouth on a sweet~."
She sighs, but she knows she's still smiling. She takes the offered seat next to Lisa and tries to at least save some face. For the fun of it, at the very least. "We hardly need a cookie for things like this. Why not just kiss normally?"
"Are you offering?"
Her heart races. "Well, I don't know. Am I, Lisa?"
"...Eh? Is that a yes or a no?"
"I'll let you figure it out. The answer's quite clear to me."
"Ohhh. Ohhhhh~."
S-she's never known someone with quite the affinity for straddling Lisa has. Before she knows it, she's already locked in a feisty embrace, caramel curls tickling her cheek.
"What're you up to now~?"
"Perhaps I'm deriving enjoyment from watching you squirm."
Lisa's smile looks almost frenetic. "Ahahaha~! Be careful, Sayo. The naughtier you get, the more excited I'm gonna be~..."
"Hm. Now this is a problem. I'm supposed to be the disciplinary head, after all."
"You should make it quick." Yukina's head looms over Lisa. "If you don't kiss her now, I'm going to steal her for the rest of the day."
Hang on. "S-steal?"
"Wow, I feel spoilt. But you two don't have to fight over me, y'know~."
"You can't kiss us both at once," Yukina responds.
"Oh, I certainly can." Lisa mischievously sticks her tongue out. "Want to find out how?"
"...No. I think I'd get more enjoyment watching you play with Sayo first."
Goodness. When on earth did they get so... so unholy? They're talking as if this is a normal conversation, a-and yet they're so much more self-indulgent than usual. Is this just what they inspire in each other?
"How about it, Sayo?"
Ah. Well, so much for that line of thought, once Lisa whispers into her ear:
"Want me to bring your wolf out~?"
...With a voice like that, there's no way she'd object. Let's try this again. "...P-please do."
The joyful chuckle she gets is already reward enough. But it's nothing compared to the thrill of what happens next. She finds it embarrassing how easily she reacts; why is it that even the lightest of touches makes her skin jolt? Why is it that something as simple as Lisa's lips grazing the skin of her neck make her yelp? Is it the ravenous yet smooth speed that Lisa does it with? Is it the trail of low-pitched, giggling kisses that follow, reaching right up to below her ear? Maybe it's the passion and excitement charged in Lisa's every movement that makes it so much more naturally exciting. Maybe it's the knowledge that every trembling sound she makes is something Lisa and Yukina are no doubt relishing. Add onto that; maybe it's the thrill of Yukina watching them that makes her all the more sensitive.
Regardless of the reason, the slowly rising stream of affection makes her grip Lisa's shoulders. She closes her eyes and tries to ignore the embarrassment as Lisa teases what's coming next, her lips... slowly... travelling across Sayo's face... so they can reach...
"Mm..."
The gentleness that follows elicits another contented exhale from Sayo, all its own. Every hum of satisfaction from Lisa is sneaking its way into her now, lifting her heart all the higher, drawing it right out from its shell. It makes sense; after all, that's always what these two have done for her. At some point, opening up to them simply became the natural course of action. So strangely effortless, even, for all the times she feels like she can't express her emotions at all.
"Mm."
It makes her believe she's not as inhuman as she used to think. That's why when Lisa finally pauses to bask in her work, brushing a finger across Sayo's hair...
...Sayo lifts herself up, so desperate to show her love too. "L-Lisa. May I?"
The smile in response is heavenly. "Come here."
Now she's the one to try and make Lisa's heart race.
It's been a while since she's kissed one of them for this long, of her own initiation. She could hardly call herself good at it; letting Yukina or Lisa drive alone would take much less effort than driving alongside them. But she's never one to skimp on effort, anyway; that's why she tries her utmost every single time. That's why she's trying right now, to make every awkward brush of her lips against Lisa's carry some kind of feeling to it. Maybe if she strokes Lisa's hair while doing it, or rubs circles on Lisa's back, then Lisa'll feel as excited as she does...
...or at least, as excited as she's trying to be.
...
Because when she wonders if her grip is just a bit too hard, or if she's shoving herself just a bit too close,
that haunting,
disgusting
sensation is never too far away.
"..."
She stops moving. Lisa's eyes open. "...Sayo?"
How much is too much?
Should she ask for permission on every action? Confirm everything's okay, whenever any kind of new territory is met? Or would such a process only make them feel more uncomfortable? She asks a fair bit already, from her point of view, but she always wonders if she should be doing more to play it safe, maybe showing some more restraint in each motion, just in case. Unfortunately, whether these considerations would actually help is a confusing unknown to her; because for all she knows, such restraint could end up sending the message that she doesn't want to be with them, instead.
And that couldn't be further from the truth. She wants to be closer, and closer, and closer, no matter what her surface may convey. No doubt about it, a part of her would ascend to heaven from happiness if she did. She truly wants this; not just out of the motivation to indulge Yukina and Lisa, but out of the motivation to indulge herself, too. It's just that...
...if her indulgence ends up leading to something harmful... something painful, something brute, something forceful, something repulsive... if it leads to an event that would terrify Yukina and Lisa with the fact they've let a wolf in sheep's clothing so close to them, terrify them with the fact they've trusted a mindless, thoughtless beast with entering such a personal set of their boundaries, then...
...then it wouldn't ever be worth it. Nothing is more important than making sure her cherished are happy. Nothing.
"Sayo?" Lisa asks.
"Sayo." Yukina says.
"..."
She moves a bit back, and peers over Lisa's shoulder. The songstress merely nods.
This fear can't be kept under lock and key.
"...I apologise. May I stop for a moment?" Sayo asks. "It's as I thought. There's something I need to talk to you two about."
"Go for it." Lisa gives her some space, idly holding Yukina's hand. "Are you okay? I know I usually ask before I do anything spicy with you, but if you're still uncomfortable, you don't need to force yourself. I figured that, uh... your body might be making you... well... feel bad."
"Are you referring to gender dysphoria? It's okay for you to mention it."
"Yeah! Sorry for being vague. I get worried I'd be demeaning you if I said it directly, for some reason."
"You wouldn't be. If anything, I'm grateful that you look out for me so often." She breathes comfortably. "Thank you. I still have that sensation from time-to-time, so I greatly appreciate your concern. But I... well, at least, I believe the cause of this current problem lies elsewhere. I've already discussed it with Yukina, but we agreed it'd be good to talk about it together with you."
"Then hit me with it whenever you're ready~. What's up?"
Lisa always responds so calmly, so comfortably. People unfamiliar with her tend to think of her as shallow and flighty for it; but Sayo knows it's her way of seeming reliable. It's another lovely thing about her, something that makes Sayo feel all the more like this is another hurdle she can overcome.
And Yukina's presence, right behind her; silent yet always watching, ready to offer support whenever she knows it's needed. Sometimes, Sayo wonders if she could simply fall into Yukina's arms and rest on her shoulder, without even saying a word to justify why. No doubt she'd offer her own body as a sanctuary if Yukina ever thrusted that same desire upon her.
She knows. She knows there's a way around this. So...
"...I'll explain it concisely. I think that'd be the best way to understand the cause of the problem," she starts. "Compared to you two, I feel very ill-versed when it comes to romantic affection. I often get the feeling I've grown up in a world where I could never get the right definition of it. It's only now that I'm finally starting to acquaint myself with what it really means. That's why I worry I'll... end up being reckless, and fall into doing something you don't want without realising."
"Right. Anything else?"
"Hm." She rests her knuckles on her chin; but that makes her feel odious, so she moves them to her cheek instead. "To be honest, I'm... not quite sure how to explain the root cause of it. You two... e-enjoy our, um... 'sessions'. Right?"
"Sessions? What does that- oh." Yukina's unfortunately cursed by her messy wording. "You meant the, um. Intense... kinds."
"Yes, Yukina. She means the kissing kind. Not the music kind." Lisa says in a jokingly patronising tone, ruffling her silver angel's hair. "Well, *I* certainly enjoy them, that's for sure. Do you, Yukina?"
"They are a very important part of Roselia's journey."
Lisa winks back at Sayo. "See? You know what that translates to. Honestly, I can't get enough of heating you two up. A-although..." she scratches her head. "You don't have to worry THAT much about indulging me in return. You make a big fuss of it, but I have enough fun indulging you, y'know?"
"No. We WILL indulge you. It's what you've earnt, Lisa."
"I'm in full agreement," Sayo says. "Frankly, I feel perfectly fulfilled from seeing you excited too."
Lisa's blushing, for once. "A-ahaha... gosh. Well, I guess I can hardly complain if you're happy with it~."
"Fufu." Her smile infects Sayo briefly. "...Thank you. It's good to know we've enjoyed each other's... 'intimate' company so far."
But it only leads to a more perplexed frown.
"To be honest, our bond is part of the reason I feel lost. I don't understand why I fear hurting you so much," she continues. "By all means, this closeness should make me feel more confident in myself. I feel like distrusting myself is only insulting the love you give me. And yet when I think about how much I care for you two, my gut reaction is fear instead; fear that it would only make my mistakes all the more devastating."
They're listening with perfect care.
"That's... the summary of it." She breathes. "I treasure you two more than anything in the world. I know I would never leave your side, with all you've done for me. But it's exactly because of all you've done for me, that I fear my clumsiness and inexperience will lead me to do something that disturbs you."
"I see. So that's why you've had such a big frown lately." Lisa smiles peacefully. "Thanks for being upfront. It can't be easy describing something like this, huh?"
"W-well, I'd be insulting you if I didn't mention it. Open communication should be second nature to me by now..."
"Don't beat yourself down, okay? Sometimes being honest's just scary, no matter how many times you've done it~. I know I've had a couple nightmare scenarios about hurting you guys before, so I can only imagine what it's like if you're haunted by this constantly."
"It's not quite that bad," she responds. "I still enjoy being close to you two. I... I want to be close, as much as you do. I mean it when I say that."
"We believe you."
"We've known that all the way, so don't you worry~. Just make sure you're pacing yourself, Sayo," Lisa says. "You've got to prioritise your own comfort just as much as ours. I know it sounds obvious, but saying 'no' every once in a while isn't a death knell, okay? It just means you need some space. And we all need that from time to time."
She nods. "Thank you. I know I'm not the best with this yet."
"We all need time. It took me a great deal of effort to get used to, as well," Yukina adds. "Like you, I'm invested in expressing affection better for Lisa's sake. But I have overstepped boundaries sometimes; I believe that's simply inevitable."
"And it's not like I'm squeaky-clean from spills either~. You know what I'm like."
"...Right." Sayo responds slowly. "It's... a learning experience for all of us, isn't it?"
"Precisely."
That's... that's relieving to hear. And it's also a bit of a wake-up call. For some reason, she believed she was the only one capable of mistakes up until this point. Why is that? Is it because she perceives Yukina and Lisa as infallible? No, that'd be a ridiculous oversight to make. It's more like...
...there's a part of her brain, telling her she's capable of worse than them. A part that tells her Yukina and Lisa would only ever be reckless enough to slip on a peel, whereas the beast calling itself Sayo can easily fall into a pit.
"If you ever make us uncomfortable, we'll let you know immediately. We promise," Lisa says. "I know it sucks that this stuff's kinda unavoidable. But to me, that's a hurdle I'm happy to clear if it means I can make you two feel all hot and bothered~."
"You're i-incorrigible sometimes," Sayo smiles. "...Are you sure you two are fine with me being so close? Knowing the damage I might cause?"
"What damage?"
She blinks. "...What?"
"Sayo. This may be presumptuous of me to say, but I get the feeling you believe yourself capable of greater friction than us. And I do not believe that to be true," Yukina states. "I am certain you would never harm us to that extent."
Lisa raises her hand. "I'm seconding that! You're always so considerate and careful, Sayo~. I don't think any mistake you make with us's ever gonna be all that bad, y'know?"
"But-"
No.
Stop.
...Why does she want to refute that idea?
Yukina's seen right through her; it's true. She really does believe herself capable of worse than them, even when evidence proves otherwise. She's often the biggest brake on the polycule's pace, so what's causing this dissonance? Why does her entire body try to yell that she'll make such a disastrous mess of their intimacy?
What on earth is it that makes her believe her desires are so monstrous, compared to Yukina and Lisa's? What caused her to make that judgment? What feature is it that isolates the way she perceives her own threat level from theirs-
-
...Ah.
Now she knows the answer.
She's the only one who describes her wolf as 'hairy', after all.
"Sayo? You okay?"
Her vision returns to her. Carefully and measuredly, she surveys her surroundings, taking care to make sure each and every vine is watered perfectly, fostered without dismay; and the light's still there. Just as it always has been. The thorns she believed to be growing from herself, the thorns she believed to be blotting out the sun and withering the garden; they're illusions.
"..." She shakes her head and sits upright. "...I'm fine. I believe I understand the cause of the problem now."
"Eh? Really?"
"Indeed." Sayo smiles. "Your first guesses may have been more accurate than you think."
Yukina and Lisa look at each other for a few seconds; it's almost telepathic, the way they're communicating. And surely enough, they seem to get at what she means. "...I see."
"As bumpy as it's ever been, huh~?" Lisa says. "Guess we'll keep doing what we've always done, then. If you ever feel icky at any point when we make out, let us know!"
"Understood."
In fact, she'd dare say there's no time like the present. Why not see what her wolf is truly like, right here and now? That's a better answer than any.
So Sayo leans in, and kisses Lisa on the lips. "...Would you two like my body right now, as a gesture of my gratitude?"
The flush from her girlfriends is already worth it. "W-whoa. That's a pretty fun reward, I'd say..."
"C-can I?" Yukina immediately crawls over Lisa to reach her.
"Ahahaha~! Didn't you say you were gonna sit back and watch, Yukina?"
"I've changed my mind. I'm greedy enough for two, aren't I?"
"You little devil, you," Lisa chuckles. Then she turns to Sayo. "You sure you're up for this now? You know me; I can't help but worry."
Sayo nods. "It sounds strange, but... I feel rather empowered, knowing I can overcome this. And we've established that we'll let each other know if we do anything that feels invasive. So..."
She grins.
"...Let's see if we can make Yukina shake a bit. How does that sound?"
And it only grows wider at seeing the silver songstress's blush.
"You don't need to ask me that~." Lisa giggles and wraps herself around Yukina's back, holding her in place; something that immediately elicits a yelp. "I can't get enough of seeing her look so excited."
"L-Lisa. Don't tease me."
"Oh~? Doesn't that just make you more eager~~?"
"Lisa...!"
"Excuse me, Yukina." Sayo leans forward. "But I think you'll find that deflecting those kinds of impure comments is my job."
"...Can't we team up on Lisa instead?"
She lets out a small laugh. "Another day. For now, can I have the pleasure of your lips instead?"
The amber yearning she sees in response lets her know; this pace is just fine. As she leans right in, cupping Yukina's chin in one hand so she can press right down, she knows:
This is something she's allowed to enjoy with them too.
"Mm."
Yukina's kisses are as sweet as they've ever been. Every time they make contact, it reminds her she's not the only one still getting used to this; because endearingly enough, Yukina is still surprisingly awkward when it comes to kissing. There's been plenty of times where neither of them really know how to proceed, and it's as embarrassing as it is upliftingly joyous.
Hm. What if she were the first between them to try something a little more-
"Gggghg?!"
W-w-was that Yukina's tongue?!
"G-gah! Yukina?!" She shoots back, flames red on her face. W-what kind of sinful, brazen, demonic act- "W-w... wh.... wh... w-what on earth are you doing?"
"That's my line~!" Lisa giggles. "How come you haven't done that with me yet?"
Yukina evidently feels the shame. "I-I'm sorry... was that not appropriate? I've read some interesting manga that Himari has lent me lately, so I just thought it'd be, um. Well. Interesting."
"Oho~? Sounds like I've got to thank her later."
...
"...Pffft."
"S-Sayo?" Yukina blinks. "What are you laughing at?"
"Pfffahaha!"
It's joyous. It's silly, even. Is... is this the kind of mistake she feared?
It's practically delightful. If that's the average kind of tomfoolery she'll inflict at worst, then what's the harm in cutting a bit loose? "Pay it no mind. I simply feel relieved. Although I will be having a talk with Himari later; it will not do for our rival band to be corrupting you with such tricks."
"W-was the tongue not to your liking, then?"
.
...
"...Do it again," she says.
Yes, the composed wolf decides, as the warmth continues all over:
This is just fine.