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Mark was Donghyuck's best friend (barely, he reminded himself). The pair had known each other since they were kids, it made sense that they were friends, it wouldn't make sense for them not to be friends. If they weren't friends, they'd have to be enemies, and- well, that wasn't far off from the truth, either.
Still, even though they were "barely best friends", Donghyuck had always loved Mark. As a friend at first, and then, somewhere along the way, as something more than that.
In the beginning he hadn't known what to do with his feelings, or, rather, he didn't understand them. He'd always had a flirty personality, he was just messing around with Mark, right? Mark simply had a kissable face, and that was that. He'd brushed it off as such, but as they grew up, things started to change. The big realization, that he was in love with Mark, hit him like a pile of bricks a few years later when Mark started going out with this absolutely adorable girl from one of his classes. Watching Mark be the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world, it was painful.
His face was kissable, that was indeed a fact, but Donghyuck didn't want anyone kissing it but him.
All this, Donghyuck has learned to live with. He knows he can never ever confess. He finds out he's stuck with Mark for another 4 years when they receive twin acceptance letters from a university they'd both applied to, and he isn't about to ruin what are supposed to be the most carefree, fun-filled days of their lives with his mushy gushy feelings.
So he locks them away and swallows the key.
...
Mark helps Donghyuck move into his dorm room one sunny July afternoon. It's hot and sticky but Mark complains less than Donghyuck about how many boxes there are to carry.
It's that day that they meet Donghyuck's new roommate, Renjun.
Renjun's known Donghyuck for all of 30 minutes when he's scolding him for lounging on the couch while Mark brings the rest of his stuff upstairs, and Donghyuck decides he likes this kid.
They become fast friends.
So do Mark and his two roommates, Jeno and Jaemin.
The school year starts and the five of them become a little friend group. They all have different majors and personalities, but they fit together like puzzle pieces. Mark seems to like hanging out with them alot, and Donghyuck would be lying to himself if he didn't take advantage of it.
You see, him and Mark had known each other for so long,they never had a "honey-moon" phase. But with Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin, it was like they were starting all over again, and he was getting a chance to experience one with him, alongside his new friends.
Donghyuck falls more and more in love with their friend group everyday.
...
It's the middle of the night and they're all sprawled out on the grass at a park somewhere. Where? They aren't quite sure. The party they were at got busted and they ran without giving it much thought. They didn't go home because that's not what you did on nights like these, nights where the air was warm and the moon was out. No, You don’t go home. You grab your friends and the rest of your weed and a few stray beers and you run. You run to the nearest, safest place you can find and you laugh and you fall down on the grass and you look up at the stars and that moment- when your sides hurt from laughing so much and you can’t think of a single thing to complain about- feels like it could last forever.
"You looked so scared, Mark!" Donghyuck wheezes.
Mark's giggling, too, "Hey! The cops are scary! I didn't wanna get in trouble."
Donghyuck listens as their laughter dies out in the next few seconds, minutes? He's having trouble keeping track of time as he looks up at the sky. Some time later it’s completely quiet save for the soft chirp of the cicadas.
"I love you guys," he says into the silence, and he really means it.
"Awww, Hyuckie's getting sentimental," Renjun teases.
"I love you guys, too," Jaemin adds.
It's quiet for another moment, and then Mark turns over into his side so he's facing Donghyuck.
"Hey you..." he says, eyes a little red rimmed as they curl into a smile.
Donghyuck's breath hitches.
"Let's stay together for a long time."
...
Donghyuck wakes up the next morning, in his bed, heart fuller than he thinks it's ever been.
...
But the fall semester comes and goes. They get back from winter break and Donghyuck's new friends seem...different.
(He had no idea watching Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun fall in love would be so painful.)
You see, the 5 of them, it just worked. Him and Jaemin loved on everyone, so if Jaemin was hugging and kissing Mark, then so could he, without it meaning much of anything. He and Renjun played off of each other's humor, often at Mark's expense, and Mark had always found Donghyuck's teasing so annoying but he didn't seem to mind when the rest of them were joining in on it. Jeno was a sort of buffer between the louder personalities in the group and was similarly loved on and teased by everybody.
Their dynamic was perfect.
So with three of them in their own little world, the relationship Donghyuck had come to enjoy with Mark...
it just doesn't work.
...
"Donghyuck, are you awake?" Renjun whispers into the night one cold, January day.
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm in love with Jeno and Jaemin."
...
They start dating a few weeks later. How they managed to bag two boyfriends each in less than 6 months when Donghyuck's been hopelessly in love with the same person for almost a decade, he has no idea.
...
It's a Friday night, and Donghyuck's at home, alone. The throuple is off on a date somewhere and when he'd asked Mark if he wanted to hang out he'd said he was busy doing homework. (Homework on a Friday, ugh, what a nerd.)
Not that Donghyuck is any better, he reminds himself, as he lays there staring at the ceiling.
He reaches for his phone and opens snapchat out of boredom.
There's alot of people at various parties, and Donghyuk feels stupid. He should be at a party! He was hot, and fun, and the usual gang might be busy but he had other friends.
He slides up on this girl's story and asks what party she's at.
She replies sooner than expected with the location. Donghyuck thanks her, gets up, gets dressed, and heads out for the night.
He's been to his fair share of parties, but this is his first time going to one alone, and it feels a bit weird, if he's being honest. He walks up to the front door, where a small crowd of people are trying to get in. The people in front of Donghyuck give the bouncer their names and get let in no problemo, but Donghyuck has to pay 5 dollars.
With no group to vibe with, Donghyuck heads straight for beer pong. He waits for a spot to open up and challenges the reigning champ to a game.
Now, he's a god at beer pong (Honestly, what isn't he a god at), but the other boy is good, too. Donghyuck wins, but downs 5 red solo cup's worth of beer in the process.
Since he's won, he gets roped into another game, and he may be a little drunk by now, but his opponent isn't as good as the last. Also, alcohol tends to boost his confidence, anyway. He wins again.
This game reminds him of Mark, the two used to get really into it with each other playing it at parties in high school.
He sighs.
He goes to get it on on the dance floor, links up with various acquaintances, has a few tequila shots. All in all, he'd call the night a success.
It's a little past 12 when Donghyuck calls an uber home. It's almost 1 am when he finally gets home.
He opens the door to his dorm room and-
"Fuck!"
His friends are engaged in some sort of three way make out session on his bed.
They stop what they're doing and look at him.
"Are you fucking kidding me, on my bed?"
"We... uhh..."
Donghyuck doesn't even give them a chance to protest. He's too worn out to deal with this right now. He flops down on Renjun's bed and gets under the covers. "Wash my sheets before tomorrow night, hoes."
...
Donghyuck starts going to more and more parties. It seems Mark is always busy and "norenmin" as he'd started referring to them as, were always doing couple-y stuff.
He went to parties last semester, but it was always with his friends and maybe every other weekend, and he definitely wasn't getting drunk at every one. These days, It's starting to become more of an every weekend thing, and he comes home wasted more often than not, but Donghyuck is feeling himself. He doesn't think it's a problem.
He's at a party the next weekend when someone asks him if he wants E.
Now, Here's the thing. Donghyuck had only ever smoked weed... but he'd always been open to the idea of experimenting.
He says yes before he can really think about it.
It's not like there's anyone with him to talk him out of it.
He has the most fun he's had in awhile.
...
"Donghyuck!" Renjun says to him one day, it's the first time in a while they're both hanging around their dorm room. "Jeno told me you did ecstasy!?"
Donghyuck was on his phone but he puts it down. "What? Who told you that?" He narrows his eyes at his friend.
Renjun sighs, "Yeeun said she saw you do it at a party last weekend, and then she told Jeno who told me- but, does it matter? Why?"
Donghyuck chuckles. He'd been looking forward to talking to his roommate about something that wasn't laundry or dishes or "What are you doing?" "I'm going out with Jaemin and Jeno." Instead he was being interrogated.
"Why not?" He counters, staring him down, deadpan.
Renjun rolls his eyes, "Whatever, just, be careful, I guess. Even you couldn't make crackhead look cute."
He gives him a small smile, "Don't worry, Injunnie, i'm a very responsible party-er, I'm just having fun, we're college students after all."
"I know."
...
Donghyuck is in class when he gets a text from Mark.
Mark: Hey, wanna meet for coffee?
Donghyck tries to ignore the butterflies in his tummy, it's just, Mark had been so busy lately and, yeah they saw each other around, but this was the first time he'd asked to hang out in what felt like forever.
Donghyuck: Sure!
Mark texts him the location of the coffee shop he's already at and Donghyuck heads over there when his class is over.
When he gets there, he spots Mark sitting on a cozy looking couch in one corner of the cafe, drink in one hand and a book in the other. Donghyuck can't help but smile at him as he waits in line to order, Mark was so cute when he was focused on something.
When Donghyuck's iced americano is ready he walks over to his friend and takes a seat on the couch across from him.
"Hey!" Mark says.
"Hey, yourself." Donghyuck says, and then he stands up a little to flick Mark on the forehead.
"Ya! What was that for?" Mark exclaims.
Donghyuck sits back down and crosses his arms. "That's what you get for ignoring me for a month."
Mark looks confused for a moment, then he frowns. "What? Oh...I'm sorry."
There's more Donghyuck wants to say, about how he'd felt a little abandoned since norenmin was in the honeymoon phase and Mark, his supposed-to-be-best friend, seemed somehow busier than when the others were available to hang.
"Ah, It's fine, I've been having fun without you." he ends up saying with a shrug.
He supposes it's true. He was having fun.
He finds he's glad he didn't tell Mark how he was feeling, because the two slip into casual conversation easily, and his lingering resentment disappears. Partying and meeting new people was fun, but there's nothing like his relationship with Mark. He'll cherish it forever, he thinks.
...
The following weekend Donghyuck is once again at a party, beer in one hand as he opens up his phone and scrolls through snap chat with the other.
He looks at Renjun's story, and smiles, it's a video of Jeno and Jaemin. They're so cute. He really does love them, even if they were preoccupied with each other. It's only natural, after all, that they'd want time alone to explore their new relationship.
Donghyuck watches the video play out; they're sitting around the coffee table at their dorm playing Jenga. There's liquor bottles and cups around, too. Donghyuck knows what they're doing, because he invented the game. Whoever makes the tower fall down has to drink. It's touching, at first, but then his heart drops.
The camera pans to Mark, sitting next to Jaemin. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are tired. He's drunk, and he's giggling and they're all giggling and Donghyuck really shouldn't be upset. Mark was Jeno and Jaemin's roommate, and they were at his dorm. And yet Renjun was there? Why didn't they invite him?
Donghyuck feels himself getting upset, he tries to push the negative thoughts to one corner of his mind but they refuse to cooperate. He frowns, frustrated and hurt.
It's not like anyone notices. He's at a party, and most people are drunk or busy with their friends.
Their friends...
God, Donghyuck feels so alone.
He goes and sits down in a corner somewhere. Pathetic, he knows, but it was better than sulking in the middle of a crowded hallway, trying not to get bumped into by crazy, drunk, teens.
A few moments later, someone comes up to him and taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey, what's a pretty boy like you doing here all alone? You get your heart broken or something?"
Donghyuck lets out a weak chuckle, "Something like that."
Now, Donghyuck knows he's pretty, he knows he's hot, but something about hearing it from someone else, it's nice. He scoots over and the boy sits next to him.
"Need a distraction?" The boy asks.
Donghyuck thinks he knows where this is going, but he's not mad at it. The boy's cute enough, and he's tall and broad and Donghyuck kind of wants to curl up in his arms.
So he lets him take him home.
(He doesn't tell him he's never done anything before, he doesn't tell him he's never even been in a relationship, but it's okay, he didn't expect his first time to be spectacular or anything.)
...
Donghyuck's playing video games the next time he gets a text from Mark.
He hates how he immediately stops everything he's doing, he even lets his character die, to open the message.
Mark: Hey, you free to talk on the phone?
Of course he is
Donghyuck: Yeah
Donghyuck plops down on his bed and calls Mark.
"What's up?" he asks when Mark picks up.
When he starts speaking, his voice is quiet, and careful, like he's treading into uncharted territory.
"Donghyuck, I..."
Donghyuck's heart starts beating a little faster.
"Something wrong?"
"I think I like boys."
Donghyuck just about malfunctions. Is Mark Lee, the Mark Lee, coming out to him right now? He's not sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't this.
"Oh! Uh..." He doesn't know what to say.
Date me?
No. Not that.
"What's gotcha thinking that?" he settles on.
Mark is quiet for a moment, "I don't know, I've just been...thinking about it I guess. I talked to Jeno and Jaemin about it and a lot of what they were saying made sense."
Ah. He talked to Jaemin and Jeno about it.
"When did you know you were gay?" Mark asks.
Donghyuck's throat goes dry. "Me? Oh, I..."
Definitely not freshman year of highschool when I started falling stupidly in love with you.
"I guess I just always knew."
Mark is silent again. "Ah. Yeah. Makes sense...Well, sorry to call you so late."
Don't be sorry. I'll always pick up for you, Mark.
"It's no problem, I'm usually up late anyways."
"Haha, yeah. Goodnight, Donghyuck."
He wants to say it. He wants to say it so bad. But it feels different now, it feels like it has weight now, like it means a little something more than it used to. And still, he wants to say it, he's going to say it, he needs Mark to know.
"Goodnight Mark. I lo-"
The dial tone interrupts him. Mark had hung up already.
...
Donghyuck had never believed he'd ever have a chance with Mark. It's not that he doubted his charm, he knew he was cute and personable, but that wasn't enough to change someone's sexuality, and so he'd made peace with his feelings. He'd boxed them up and left them to collect dust in a corner of his mind he rarely visited. Even now, he's hesitant, just because Mark likes boys too doesn't mean he'll fall for him. Still, he thinks he must have visited that corner of his mind one too many times, or not have boxed his feelings up very well, because before he knows it they spill out with full force, like the day he realized he was in love with him all over again. Except this time he doesn't scramble to put them away. He picks them up and plays house with them instead.
Something in him shifts.
He's determined to make Mark fall in love with him.
...
Donghyuck gets a text from a friend and then gets an idea.
He texts the group chat.
Donghyuck: Y'all should come partay w me this weekend
His friends are almost always busy, so he doesn't get his hopes up, but responses come throughout the day, and, to his surprise, it seems everyone is up for it except for Jeno, who says he thinks he might be coming down with something. Donghyuck is worried at first that his boyfriends will then opt out as well, but after Jeno's insisting, they say they'll still come.
Now, would Mark come? He was the whole reason he was inviting them, after all.
Mark: Sure.
Yes!
Donghyuck makes sure to get extra dolled up the night of the party. He gels and styles his hair and puts on some smokey eyeliner. He picks out a shirt that's just big enough to expose his collar bones and pairs it with some tight, black skinny jeans that, if he may say so himself, fit him impeccably.
Mark and Jaemin meet Donghyuck and Renjun at their dorm and Donghyuck calls them an uber.
Donghyuck has no idea what to expect, he doesn't know the person throwing the party, or anyone else that's going. The boy he'd met a few parties ago, who was a senior, had let him know about it, so he figured it'd be mostly seniors there.
When they pull up his jaw drops. It's some big ass mansion.
"Damn, who's party is this again?" Renjun asks.
"Some senior told me about it." Donghyuck shrugs.
Renjun raises an eyebrow at him but doesn't ask anymore questions.
They walk up to the front door where there's two people sitting on the porch.
"Name?" one of them asks.
"Lee Donghyuck."
The boy looks at his phone for a sec and then nods. He asks Donghyuck for his wrist and writes an x on it. The boy who'd invited him must of put him on the list, Donghyuck assumes.
Not thinking about it, he goes ahead without his friends, who get stopped by the bouncer when they try to follow him inside.
"They're with me." Donghyuck tells him, and the bouncer lets them pass.
"Woww Hyuckie," Jaemin says, slinging an arm around him, "You're such a cool kid."
Donghyuck, never one to pass up a compliment, smirks at his friend.
Inside, things are in full swing, the air is thick and foggy and sweaty with all the people there. Donghyuck loves it.
"I'll go grab us some beers," Renjun says.
"I'll go with you." Jaemin adds.
Perfect, Donghyuck thinks, now he's all alone with Mark.
Time to start phase 2 of operation Make Mark Lee Fall In Love With Me.
Donghyuck grabs Mark's hand, "Dance with me?"
What Donghyuck assumes is normally the living room has been converted into a sort of dance floor. All the furniture is gone and instead hoards of kids have filled the space, moving this way and that to the music coming through two large speakers. The song that's playing now, Donghyuck knows it, and it's just right. Hype enough for a party, with a hard beat and a strong bass, but sultry and melodic enough that he can get his swerve on. Mark doesn't reply but Donghyuck pulls him along into the crowd anyways.
He starts swaying with the song, in his own little world. He has to show Mark what he could be getting in on before he invites him to, ya know, get in on it. He gets a little braver, tilting his neck to the side and rolling his hips with the beat, he runs a tentative hand down his chest. It's easy, really, it's by no means his first time trying to attract attention. The difference is Donghyuck wants so much more than that from Mark. Don't get ahead of yourself, he reminds himself, and continues to dance.
He doesn't know if Mark is even paying attention to him, he's too afraid to look, but Jaemin and Jeno find them a moment later and he swears Mark has a little blush on his face.
They pass beers around. "Thanks." he and Mark say.
That's when another boy walks up to them.
"Donghyuck!"
Oh! It's Yangyang. Donghyuck knows him from music production class.
He's surprised he's here, he'd yet to see anyone he knew.
"Hey!"
"Bro, they're playing beer pong right now, you have got to get in on this!" Yangyang says enthusiastically.
Donghyuck chuckles. That did sound fun, but he was trying to spend time with Mark.
"Um, I don't know, thanks for letting me kno-"
"Yo! I haven't played beer pong since highschool," Mark suddenly interrupts, "Let's go, Hyuck!"
Donghyuck almost blushes. Which, he really shouldn't, right? Mark is just being a friend, literally saying something any friend would say to another.
It still feels like a success.
"Okay!" He says. Then he looks Mark straight in the eyes. "I challenge you, Mark Lee, to beer pong. Whoever loses pays for the uber home."
"Deal."
People are already playing, so Donghyuck has to jump in and win a game before they have the table to themselves. It puts him at a slight disadvantage, he supposes, because he's had a few more drinks than Mark has by the time they're facing off, but he's not worried. He's won games after many, many more drinks before.
Next to him, Renjun is cheering, and so are a bunch of other people who are betting on the game. Why a bunch of drunk college students have decided to bet money on beer pong is beyond Donghyuck, but he's not complaining at the hype they're giving him. He loves a good crowd.
Donghyuck goes first, and sinks one easily. Mark's next, and so does he. A tight game later, and Mark only has one cup left. Donghyuck has two.
It's Donghyuck's turn again. He tries to focus as best he can, but getting a ping pong ball in a red solo cup a meter and a half away is already not the easiest thing sober, and at this point in the game his vision is a little fuzzy around the edges, his sense of balance a little off.
He centers himself, and narrows in on his target.
"Feelin' the pressure, Hyuckie?"
Oh no he did not just call him that.
Donghyuck throws, and misses.
He curses, he may still have a leg up with more cups, but Mark could still beat him with this next turn.
Mark's also a little hazy, but he seems to be holding his alcohol better than Donghyuck.
He takes his first throw, and sinks a cup.
Doghyuck scowls at him as he downs the drink. Mark smirks back at him.
He then takes his other ping pong ball and readies himself, he looks in it to win it, and oh no. Donghyuck is not losing right now. Absolutely not.
"Ya gonna go Markie?" he says as Mark's still mapping the trajectory.
"Think you can win?" he teases.
"Cause I don't think you caaaan." He sing-songs, just as Mark lets go of the ball.
It misses, bouncing right off the rim.
His mind games have worked! The people behind Donghyuck cheer.
Okay. He's finishing this right now.
He drowns out the noise and sinks Mark's last cup. The people rooting for him burst into cheers and clap him on the back.
"HA!" Donghyuck shouts at Mark, high off his win, but Mark just smiles back at him. It's so soft, such a stark contrast to everything around him, that Donghyuck kind of wants to cry. When was the last time the two of them had partied together like this? Last year? High school?
He's still trying to cop Mark the boyfriend, but god he'd missed Mark the best friend.
Having gotten lost in his thoughts, Donghyuck doesn't notice that there's an arm around him. He looks up, thinking it's probably Renjun.
Oh. It's the dude from that one party, that guy he'd gone home with. The one who'd let him know about tonight.
"Hyuckie! You're here."
He doesn't like how it sounds coming from his mouth. He only likes when Ma-
hey, where did Mark go?
Donghyuck isn't quite sure where he is anymore, either, now that he thinks about it. He isn't by the beer pong table anymore. He's still surrounded by people, but he can't spot his friends anywhere.
"Hey," He asks the boy, "Do ya know where my friends went?"
"Friends? I'm not sure who you mean, baby"
Donghyuck doesn't really like how close this boy is right now. But he admits his head does feel heavy and it's nice to have a shoulder to lean it on.
"Hey," the boy above him whispers in his ear, "Whad'ya say we get out of here, I had so much fun last time."
Ugh, he's really not in the mood.
He removes himself from the boy and tells him just that.
'Aww... come on, don't be like that."
It's not that Donghyuck can't stand up for himself, he just really doesn't have the energy for this right now. He rolls his eyes, and doesn't respond. Why was being such a deletable little cookie so hard? And why was it taking so much effort to get Mark to notice it when others were out here throwing themselves at him.
Speaking of which, he finally spots said person and the rest of his friends. They notice him too and walk over to him.
"Look," he turns back to the boy, "You're cute, but I'm just really not in the mood, okay?"
"Is he bothering you, Donghyuck," Jaemin asks, coming up to the pair with the others.
"No, he's not, isn't that right," he raises an eyebrow at the boy.
He scoffs, "Whatever, should've known you were just another freshman slut, anyway. You should know better than to whore yourself out at parties if you're gonna be like this."
Mark looks angry, "Hey man-"
Donghyuck stops him, "It's fine, Mark." Then he turns back to the boy, and puts a hand under his chin, "Leave me alone, or I'll tell everyone you still sleep on Cars 2 sheets in your moms basement."
The boy sputters "Wh- hey-"
"Byeeee." Donghyuck turns around.
He wasn't one to judge, honestly, but he'd really dared call him a slut.
His friends follow behind him as he walks away and Donghyuck feels a little icky, and he's definitely still a bit drunk but his high was totally ruined and he finds himself craving a little something extra to take the edge off.
"Sorry," Mark says, looking at Donghyuck with concern, "We totally left you alone back there."
Wouldn't be the first time.
No. He's definitely not still salty about that.
"It's fine, nothing I couldn't handle."
"Who was that?" Renjun asks.
Donghyuck shrugs, "This guy I..."
Here's the thing, he really doesn't care about talking to Renjun about his sex life, but Mark is still right there, looking at him with this innocent, wide eyed expression, and he suddenly feels a little ashamed.
"Just some random asshole."
They have no reason not to believe him, they were at a college party after all, and it's mostly true, after all.
Donghyuck exhales and shakes his head and arms, as if physically ridding himself of the bad vibes. He's determined not to let this little hiccup ruin their night. "Let's not let that jerk kill the vibe, huh?" He tells his friends.
They all nod in agreement. Mark looks like he's about to say something but Jaemin's phone rings. Seeing the caller, he picks up.
"Hey, Jen. What's up?"
He's silent for a sec while Jeno responds on the other end. Jaemin frowns as he listens. "Do you want us to come home?" He says.
Renjun's eyebrows knit together in worry.
A silent minute later Jaemin talks again, "Nah, I'll go now. See you soon. Love you."
He hangs up.
"What's wrong?" Renjun asks.
"He said he's feeling worse, he asked me if I could grab some Tylenol on the way home, I said I would just go get it now, but you can stay we were having fun-"
"Of course I'm coming!"
The couple turns to their friends, "Sorry, guys, I think me and Renjun are gonna head out- Jeno sounds really sick."
"It's cool," They say.
Donghyuck's heart clenches. What he wouldn't give for someone (Mark) to love him like that.
He's nervous for a minute, that Mark will wanna leave, too, but the couple's uber gets there and the two take off and Mark stays by his side the whole time.
Oh, right, he had a plan he was supposed to be carrying out.
What was step two again?
He's not sure, his mind is all messed up, but he doesn't think this party, with all the people and loud music, is the best place for the two of them right now.
He looks up at Mark, who isn't that much taller than him but who's always felt like he is,
"How about we get out of here, too?"
Mark was such a shy, quiet drunk that Donghyuck had totally forgotten his friend had also had his fair share of drinks. But looking at him now, he can tell. It's in the flush of his cheeks and his dilated pupils, in the way he takes a little longer than usual to process Donghyuck's words and form a reply.
"And go where?"
...
The night outside is cool, but not too cold considering it's still March. The moon is out, lighting their path as Mark and Donghyuck walk. Where? They're not sure. When Donghyuck had suggested they wander around the neighborhood, he'd thought it was sort of a weird idea, but Mark seemed to think it would be fun.
And it is. They judge all the mansions in the rich ass neighborhood they're in, debating which ones are ugly and which ones are pretty and which ones are "an abomination". They guess at what kinds of families might live where and what their lives must be like.
It's so comfortable, Donghyuck thinks, walking hand in hand with Mark like this.
The thing is, Donghyuck had always felt like he'd had to try so hard, even just as friends, to hold onto Mark. Any opportunity to be with him, even if it meant teasing or annoying him, he took it. And any shred of love or affection Mark showed him, he latched on and held fast to it. Because he feared if he didn't, Mark's presence in his life would fade away.
But in this moment, with the two of them so effortlessly existing in the same time and universe, surrounded by space but choosing to be close to one another, those insecurities melt away.
Maybe he'd underestimated himself.
Maybe he's easier to fall in love with than he'd thought.
Mark looks up, eyes a reflection of the starry night sky. "I'm tired," he tells Donghyuck, and he sounds it, voice slow and sleepy.
There's a grassy hill up ahead. Donghyuck is sure that it's part one of the huge properties in this neighborhood, and that it would be trespassing if he and Mark went up there, but he really doesn't care.
"Let's go up there." He points to the top of the hill.
Mark doesn't seem to have the energy to protest and so the two drag themselves up the hill, Donghyuck holding Mark's hand the whole way.
When they get to the top they collapse onto the grass. It takes Donghyuck back to a memory from last year, at the park after that party with the rest of their gang. It felt so long ago just a few days ago, but now that he's here with Mark again, he remembers it like it was yesterday.
The way Mark had looked Donghyuck in the eyes and told him how important he was to him.
Maybe I have a chance after all.
Donghyuck looks up at the stars. All that space and time, and Mark is here, laying next to him. It can't help but feel like some sort of prophecy. Mark and Donghyuck. Donghyuck and Mark. Destined to be together since the beginning of time.
"Do you believe in astrology, Mark?" he asks into the night, keeping his gaze fixed up at the sky.
"Like, I'm a leo right?" Mark replies, a little confused.
"Yeah, but do you even believe in all that? That the stars determine what your life is gonna be like?"
Mark is quiet for a moment. "I mean, there's definitely something out there making all this happen."
Interesting.
"Do you think it's predestined, like fate?"
Donghyuck dares himself to look at Mark. He finds the older boy pursing his lips, eyes narrowed while he thinks about what to say.
"I don't know," he begins eventually, "Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm on this path, ya know, and nothing I could do would change things. That's destiny I guess."
Like a prophecy.
Donghyuck swallows hard, he's so deep in thought. Him and Mark, they'd known each other for so long, and he'd held onto his feelings for him for a good chunk of that time. Was it his destiny? To confess? The way Mark's talking, it makes something stir within him. Because he's describing exactly how Donghyuck feels about him. Those feelings, he'd let them free from their cage a bit ago, but now they're expanding, rising, making their way up his throat.
"Mark..." he hears a voice say. Oh, was that him? When did his voice get so quiet?
Mark turns to face him.
"I..."
He can't. This wasn't part of the plan. Things are moving way too fast right now.
But Mark is looking at him again with those big, sparky eyes and the words are already on their way out of his mouth before he can do anything about it.
"Mark I'm in love with you."
The trees rustle in the wind and Donghyuck spots a firefly out of the corner of his eye.
He can't believe he's just said that. It's terrifying waiting for a response.
"What?"
Oh no, this was a bad idea.
"Donghyuck, don't make weird jokes like that."
Regret takes root in the pit of Donghyuck's stomach and he finds he has to sit up, cradeling his midsection like he's gonna be sick. He takes a shaky breath, but otherwise doesn't say anything.
It's becoming painfully clear that he wasn't joking.
Donghyuck has no idea what's going on in Mark's head right now. He on the other hand feels bare, flayed open, his emotions naked for the whole world to see. The night breeze is getting a little colder and it pricks at his skin like air at an open wound.
"I..." Mark trails, sitting up as well but refusing to meet his friend's wide, watery eyes. His gaze flits around the space, looking anywhere but at him.
He's not literally running away from him, but it hurts just the same.
Donghyuck's heart is breaking.
"You...I-," Mark tries again.
Ouch.
Donghyuck starts to cry heavy, violent tears. Snot runs down his face and hands get wet as he tries to make it stop. He hasn't cried in so long, and now everything is spilling out, seeping through the cracks his confession had left in its' wake.
What now?
Donghyuck has no idea. He just sits there sobbing, because he doesn't know what to do. And Mark, his best friend in the whole wide world, is right there and he's not doing anything. He won't even look at him and god, he's never felt further away from him and he's literally right there.
All this space and time.
"I...Why don't I take you home?"
That's all Mark has to say? Donghyuck shakes his head. "I can take care of myself," he replies through sniffles. He doesn't mean it. Not right now. He feels weaker than ever. Still, he's afraid to admit his weakness to Mark. Or at least, more than he already has.
His pride is bleeding out next to what remains of his heart, and he's desperately trying to save them but it's proving futile.
No, I insist. He wants Mark to say. Or, No, I'm not leaving you here by yourself.
(Help me. I'm losing both of them.)
But Mark just leaves.
And the worst part is, Donghyuck knows he shouldn't be upset. He doesn't have any right to be. Mark doesn't owe him anything. He can't control his feelings anymore than Donghyuck can control his.
But it still hurts.
Shit. He just had to say something.
He'd ruined everything.
"Sorry about the bony elbows, sorry we lived here,
sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell
and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.
Especially that, but I should have known.
You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together
to make a creature that will do what I say
or love me back.
I'm not really sure why I do it ...
against a black sky prickled with small lights.
I take it back.
The wooden halls like caskets. These terms from the lower depths.
I take them back.
Here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed.
Crossed out."