Chapter Text
After Ten Nights
I will let you go
One, Two, Three
Close your eyes
I will erase you who sparkles,
Please bear with me for a few nights
- Ten Nights / MAMAMOO
***
I found myself sitting in front of her grave for the second time. The last day of her funeral was yesterday and earlier was the time to say goodbye to her, but my tongue wasn't able to utter those words.
I didn't want to.
I was planning to stay in front of her grave but her mom stopped me, so I drove back to our house. The thought of expecting her to greet me with that sweet voice of hers when I entered the house was slowly killing me. I was not ready for this.
Every side of the house was like a time machine as they project every memories I had with her. My heart could not take the bullets that were continuously striking my heart, so I left and found myself here.
Hearing her voice wherever I go was something that made my system to stop functioning. My body couldn't take the pain and suffering from that feeling was not included in the plan. I should be with her, going to our secret place and watching the sunset together.
I leveled my knees with my face and buried it on my arms. The tears and sobs that were bound to be released were finally free. Those faint sobs were loud and those tears were flowing like a river.
"I'm sorry, Dub," said I between the heavy sobs. "I can't do anything but to cry. I said I will be fine, but I don't know when. I'm sorry."
I took a deep breath before crying again. The burden inside my chest wouldn't go away by crying out loud and I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone and helpless.
My head was still buried as a cold hand made a contact with my skin. I flinched and looked up, only to find Momo.
The cold wind blew up and that caused her hair to block her face, but it didn't make her look bad, rather she looked more beautiful. She took the spot on my right after placing the basket of sunflowers on her grave.
"I knew you would go here and I wasn't wrong," said Momo without looking at me. Her gaze bored at the name engraved on the gravestone in front of us. I looked at it, too and felt my eyes watered. No, not again. "You didn't cry earlier."
"Why do you care?" said I.
Momo shifted her gaze at me and scoffed before answering, "Please stop pretending that you're strong and let your--"
"Don't tell me what to do."
I heard a frustrated sigh and I looked at the other side because I didn't know how to suppress my tears from coming out. The wind was the only thing that could be heard and I was afraid to say something that would only worsen the situation.
I didn't want to say it back and pretend like a fucking rock, when in reality, I needed a hug and a soft caress on my back as I cry hard on someone's shoulder. I needed to know if I could survive this feeling without getting myself killed. I wanted to know if I was fighting all by myself.
My shoulder felt the heaviness of her head as she leans on it. Her hand reached mine and interlocked our fingers.
And then a soft sob came out from her.
"Could you please stop acting like you're okay?" said Momo using her cute voice. I didn't know if I should smile or cry. I did the former, nevertheless. "You're smiling. What made you smile?"
I didn't realize that she was looking up at me and saw the smile escaped from my lips.
I chose not to answer her question and avoided the topic. I didn't want her to know the reason because she'll brag about it forever.
"What's Dahyun like when you were together?" said I without even thinking about it. I might trigger a bad thing just by asking that question.
Momo froze on her spot. She didn't move an inch as she thinks of an answer to my insensitive question. I realized that her eyelashes grew longer than the last time I saw her.
Her head didn't left my shoulder and I was getting a good and closer view of her bare face. I scrutinized it and noticed the freckles under her eyes. She was closing her eyes and seemed to get preoccupied by my question.
I was about to check out her natural and delicate red lips when it arched into a smirk.
"You would be jealous if I tell you about it,"
I stared at her with my bored eyes and let her laugh her ass off. She liked the way she annoyed me in front of her ex-girlfriend and my girlfriend. This motherfucker didn't choose a good place to joke around.
She recovered from her laugh and composed herself when she noticed the daggers I threw to her. Momo cleared her throat before answering.
"Seriously, she was not the typical type of girlfriend. She could be my best friend, mother, sister, and teacher at the same time," said Momo. "Dahyun always made me do things I love without having an intense fight with her just to get her approval. She was always by my side to encourage me.
"She would always knock some sense in me and made me realize how important life is. Dahyun would always tell me to love myself before loving others in order to love them right without having a hard time. Those moments with her were always planted inside my brain just in case I go insane again.
"Dahyun never failed to make me feel better, hell, I thought she got some kind of magic when she smile because it made my tears go away. I thought I was just so in love with her that's why I felt those weird feelings, but nah. She always did that when she saw crying babies in public and all of them stopped from crying.
"When she was having problems with her head, I usually shrug it off and wait for it to subside. I didn't encourage her to see a doctor because I thought it was normal when you have a migraine. I ignored every single sob I heard inside the bathroom when it happens and thought that she was joking and wanted to play around. I am still blaming myself from what happened.
"I didn't know what kind of air I inhaled when I thought about leaving her. I was really having a hard time finding a courage to say it to her face to face. I wanted to slap myself a thousand times when I left her crying inside our apartment. I realized that she was too good for me."
She whispered the last sentence. Her voice broke in the middle of her retrospective, but she continued anyway. Momo's right hand made its way to her eyes to wipe the tears off her face. She chuckled when she realized her sudden breakdown.
It's been a while since Momo and I talked about something. I wasn't able to make things right with her when Dahyun was still alive.
After she went to South Korea, we never had a chance to talk to each other. Mina and I were left here in Japan and tried to study hard in order to follow her. Our parents made that decision and we couldn't do anything about it.
Before the graduation ceremony, Mina and I packed up our things before sleeping. We were so excited and couldn't even close our eyes. That moment felt so unreal.
When our plane landed, we immediately went to the address given by her parents. We were so thankful for the information they had given to us just to see Momo.
But I guess we were so unlucky that time. We found her, but she was always avoiding us for God knows how many times. Mina and I didn't give up on talking to her, but her walls didn't fall down even if we cried in front of her.
That's my cue to leave the country and let her do things on her own. Mina went back after applying for a job in South Korea and stayed there after she got accepted and meeting Nayeon and her friends. I went home alone and I cried overnight.
And then she came back here without any notice. She came back here for Dahyun and not for us.
That's fine by me, though. At least she came back.
"Thank you for sharing," said I as I avoided any eye contact with her. I didn't want to see the look on her face.
Momo sprung up from her seat and said, "Come on, tell Dahyun that you'll come back soon."
I did what she said and traced her name on the graveyard as if I'm carving it to my heart. I whispered how much I love and miss her. We made our way towards our own cars.
"Convoy?" Momo asked. I nodded in response and went to the driver's seat.
Her Aston Martin turned left and passed by my car. She honked her horn twice before speeding up. I followed after that.
I carefully connected my phone to the speakers of my Mustang GT: the one Dahyun wanted to ride when she was alive. As a generous girlfriend, I ordered one the day before she was confined to the hospital. She knew about it when the girls went to her hospital room and told her about it.
Chaeyoung, the one who loved cars as much as I did, was the one who told her first about it. Followed by Nayeon, and the rest. According to Dahyun, Chaeyoung immediately covered her mouth after saying a thing. Dahyun wasn't mad, but she told me that spending money on something that would definitely add to my garage wasn't good because I had enough cars to drive.
I was sad to hear that from Dahyun. It was one of her dreams and I wanted to fulfill it if I could, but I never had a chance to see her smile as we drive to our secret place using this car.
A bitter and sad smile escaped from my lips.
My eyes started to dampened as I continued on imaging what would happen if she was still alive. Would I be more happier? Would it be the same if she's here?
Those were the questions I had never got to answer.
My sense came to me when Momo's car pulled over by the... beach?
It's freaking cold in Japan and it's already 7 PM, what the fuck?
I opened the door and walked to her spot. The cold breeze embraced my body, and the coat I was wearing wasn't enough to make me feel warm. I held both of my arms as I walk to Momo.
"What time is it?"
She raised her arm before looking at her wrist watch, "7:07, don't you have your watch with you?" Momo tried to find my wrist watch on my wrists. She frowned when she saw it.
"I have. I just asked you just in case you didn't know it." said I. She looked at me, still wearing her confused face.
"You're weird," said Momo. Sana didn't say anything and sat down on the fine white sand.
"What are we doing here?"
"Ah, welcome to my sanctuary. This is where I go when I'm sad, happy, confused, angry, or all of the above," said Momo. She glanced at the bright stars that blanketed the night sky.
Sana's eyes wandered around the area. She noticed that there were no other people except them. Well, who would visit beaches in nighttime? Definitely not me.
"Is this a private resort?" said I.
Momo nodded in response, still looking at the stars. Her arms were spread backwards and her palms were leaning onto the sand. Her feet were crossed and they were moving constantly.
"Who's the owner?"
"Me." said Momo.
I shifted my gaze from the sea to her when I heard her saying impossible things. My left eyebrow automatically raised.
"I'm asking you, Hirai. Don't make me say it twice," said I.
She finally took her eyes off the stars and looked to me with a frustrated face. "I am saying the truth. I am the owner of this island and it has a name,"
My eyebrows furrowed, "What?"
"Boo."
My hand automatically went up and face palmed myself. I shook my head three times before flashing my bored look.
"Are you on drugs, Hirai?"
"Fuck you, Zaki."
I stared at her for a minute to make sure that she was saying the truth. I sighed when I realized that she was not lying.
Should I buy my self-proclaimed secret place?