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The Phantomhives were dead and Paula almost found herself resenting them for it. Which was awful really, and she bowed her head, thankful no one could hear her thoughts as she stood in the windswept cemetery, barely able to hear the vicar’s voice as he read the eulogy. It wasn’t their fault they were dead, she should feel sorry for them all, murdered in such a horrific manner, especially the twins, so young and innocent. And she did feel bad, she really did, she wished with all her heart it hadn’t happened.
But she couldn’t deny that she didn’t wish that for their sake as much for the sake of little Lizzy, who was standing beside her mother, eyes wide and blank with grief. Whenever Paula saw that empty lost expression on Lizzy’s face, Lizzy who was so full of life and joy and happiness, she wanted to do absolutely anything necessary to make her young charge smile again. Lizzy deserved to be happy and Paula almost hated Ciel and his family for dying and making Lizzy so inconsolably full of grief.
Paula had been with Lizzy for almost five years now and had come to love her dearly. She was kind and generous and sweet but also strong and proud and so skilled when she fought! Paula had been horrified when she had been informed that her charge, barely five years old, would be taking fencing classes, hardly suitable for a young English lady! But it would take a far braver maid than Paula to stand up against Lady Frances and so Paula had been there to dress and prepare Lizzy for her practise and listen to her chat eagerly about her progress and really, when it became apparent how skilled Lizzy was Paula’s fear had dissolved. Lizzy was safe and happy and that was all Paula wanted.
But now Lizzy was unhappy in a way that Paula couldn’t fix with cakes and a story, or a ride out into the country, or even a trip into town to buy something pretty and charming. Lizzy was grieving the loss of her fiance and Paula was grieving the loss of Lizzy’s innocence and delight in life.
___
Ciel had returned and Paula had been prepared to greet this news with undivided joy. Lizzy certainly had been over the moon when the letter had come from Ciel, addressed to the Marquis of course, but inviting the whole family to the manor for dinner. A necessary politeness. Paula of course hadn’t been invited but she had spent the evening eagerly gossiping with the other servants about how Ciel had survived the fire that had killed his family and where he had been for the last month. When Lizzy had returned Paula had hurried to help her prepare for bed, expecting to hear the full story form a delighted Lizzy who would have her love of life and happiness restored to her.
Instead Lizzy confessed almost tearfully that Ciel had told them almost nothing about what had happened to him, and that he was acting completely differently, almost like a stranger.
“I know he’s been through something bad...and I don’t want to make him feel bad…” Lizzy had told Paula, staring at her hands as the maid brushed her hair for her. “But I just want to help him! I’d do anything to make him smile again, like he used to.”
Paula’s heart had shattered anew for how kind her young mistress was. Lizzy was hurting so badly and all she wanted to do was help someone else. She really was the sweetest young lady Paula had ever served.
As the days, weeks and months went by and Paula watched as Lizzy tried and tried again and again to cheer Ciel up, to make him smile or relax even slightly and each attempt failed, Paula half wanted to shake Ciel by the shoulders and shout at him that Lizzy was doing so much for him, that she was tearing herself to pieces in a desperate plea to make him feel even the tiniest bit better, and if he were truly a gentleman, or if he loved her in the slightest, he would respond in some way. Lizzy was desperate to help him and Ciel was pushing her away and each time Lizzy returned home with the sad longing expression and damp eyes Paula felt more angry than she had any right to be. Couldn’t Ciel see how much he was hurting Lizzy?
___
Lizzy stared wistfully at the beautiful heeled shoes and then shook her head almost violently, tears spilling from the corners of her eyes as she refused them. Paula put them away. They had been a gift from Lizzy’s father, a reward for winning a fencing tournament and Lizzy clearly wanted them badly but was refusing them. Paula knew why, knew just how much Ciel had hurt Lizzy...how Lizzy was desperately trying to force herself into a mould that she had long since outgrown in a doomed attempt to please a boy who seemed to take absolutely no interest.
After Lizzy was dressed and had cleaned her face ready for lunch with her family Paula carefully packed the paper back around the shoes and put them away. Maybe there would come a day soon when Lizzy would feel able to wear heeled shoes and enjoy grown up things, a time when she wouldn’t be desperately hiding her skill with a sword because she was scared that Ciel wouldn’t react badly to it. As far as Paula was concerned that day couldn’t come soon enough.
Paula had often dreamed of having children of her own, of finding a wonderful husband and building a family with him. She had cherished each child she had cared for in her career, but she had been with Lizzy longer than any other child and couldn’t imagine loving a child more than she loved her bright smiling girl. Elizabeth Midford was the closest thing Paula had to a daughter and it tore her up inside to see her hurting herself over a boy who, quite frankly, didn’t deserve her if he wasn’t going to appreciate the gift he had been given!
Later that evening she spoke with Helena, one of the upstairs maids about her worries.
“I almost find myself wishing Ciel had never come back...her grief was heartbreaking but it was natural and she would have got over it in time…”
“Aye...it’s the common lot of men isn’t it? To string a lovesick woman behind them. Phantomhive’s just starting young that’s all.”
“But that’s horrible! Lizzy deserves so much better!”
“She don’t want better though does she? She just wants her childhood friend back.”
That brought Paula up short a little. Maybe it wasn’t Ciel Lizzy was desperately trying to bring back, as it was those happy days before any tragedy had affected her. Perhaps Lizzy believed that if she just tried hard enough, everything would go back to the way it had been? It was a troubling thought and Paula found herself musing on it a lot.
___
Time went by and the problem didn’t seem to be getting any better at all. Paula watched with a heavy heart as Lizzy became more and more desperate and extreme in her attempts to cheer Ciel up. Nothing was working and in fact, in Paula’s opinion, Ciel was getting more and more distant and angry with Lizzy. Couldn’t he see that she just wanted an acknowledgement from him, just wanted him to reassure her that everything would be all right. Honestly, if Ciel could simply tell Lizzy that she was so much as just a good friend, it would mean the world to Paula’s mistress!
But it wasn’t her place to say so of course and so she waited, quiet and obedient and with her heart shattering every time Lizzy tried to reach out to the Phantomhive boy only to get rebuffed again and again and again.
Finally Lizzy tried to throw a party, sneaking off from home to do so and spending the entire day at Ciel’s house. She was beginning to get into trouble from her parents for behaviour like this but Lizzy wasn’t about to let her parent’s disapproval stop her from doing what she knew was right! In all honesty, Paula admired that about her young mistress, her tenacity and willingness to do the right thing even under more difficult circumstances. But she was beginning to feel that the energy expended on Ciel was a wasted effort as she anxiously awaited her young charge’s return.
When Lizzy did finally come back home, and once she had finished being scolded by both her parents and being hugged by her older brother who, being usually away at school and unaware of Lizzy’s frequent trips over to the Phantomhive manor, had been frantic with worry over his beloved younger sister; Paula had a chance to talk with Lizzy herself and see how she was feeling.
Lizzy seemed quieter and more thoughtful than she usually was after a visit to Ciel. Usually she was either close to tears over a lack of progress in making him smile or bubbling with joy over a change so slight Paula was half convinced it wasn’t a change at all.
“Is there something on your mind miss Lizzy?”
“Hmm? Oh, I have been a little quiet I suppose Paula.”
“Just a little!” Paula agreed with a laugh, “Did everything go well at the Phantomhives?”
“Oh yes! Well...sort of…”
“Oh?”
“We had a really wonderful party! Ciel looked so cute in the clothes I chose for him and everything was so prettily decorated!”
“That sounds absolutely lovely!”
“It really was! But…” Lizzy trailed off, fidgeting with the hem of her dress and looking away from her maid. “But I think I…”
“Miss Lizzy?”
“Paula? Am I a bad person?”
“What? Of course not! Who told you that, I’ll give them a piece of my mind-”
“Oh no Paula, please. No one said that! It’s simply that Ciel and I had...well a bit of an argument. And I broke something that was very important to him.” She bit her lip, looking down at the ground now as though she were too ashamed to meet Paula’s concerned eyes. “I knew it was important, I knew how much it meant to him, but I just got so frustrated that nothing I was doing was working, that he was still so miserable I just lashed out and I broke it.”
Paula knelt down, taking Lizzy’s hands in hers. Lizzy may have done a bad thing, breaking whatever it was of Ciel’s that he treasured so much, but she couldn’t bring herself to add a further scolding onto the young girl, not when she was looking so genuinely sad and upset.
“I know you’re trying to help him Lizzy,” She said carefully, hoping that nothing she said was out of place for a ladies maid. “But sometimes people need to work through things on their own.”
“But it’s been years.” Lizzy whispered, still not meeting her gaze. “I just want things to go back to normal.”
“Oh Lizzy…”
The two of them sat like that for a long time, Lizzy grieving a past that would never return and Paula grieving the loss of the childlike innocence that had so filled Lizzy in the past. Almost irrationally she wanted to blame Ciel for this too, for being the cause of Lizzy growing up out of her naivety about the world and beginning to understand that sometimes things just couldn’t be fixed. If he’d just been more patient with her then Lizzy could have held onto that wonder for a little longer.
___
After the party Paula noticed that Lizzy was making a real effort to be calmer and give Ciel his space. It seemed that Lizzy had taken the lesson to heart, that sometimes Ciel just needed to work through things himself. She continued however, to hide her swordplay and dress and act much more childishly than Paula suspected she secretly wanted to.
So when Lizzy returned home after asking Ciel if he would be able to come on the journey abroad with the Midford’s, she didn’t throw a tantrum or cry over her disappointment. Paula did notice her subduedness over the next few days however, and made note of how carefully Lizzy packed her writing utensils herself.
They would be gone for six months at least, and judging from the gossip Paula was privy to, if Lord Midford became too engaged in his business over in America then it might be well over a year before the family returned. It sounded exciting really, Paula had never been abroad in her life before, and it all sounded very glamourous and interesting. But she was aware that Lizzy was worried that Ciel would forget her while she was gone, or worse, would decide he much preferred not having her around at all and would break off their engagement.
Paula wasn’t certain that Ciel would do that, he seemed torn between resignation and actual appreciation for his engagement, but she could understand why Lizzy worried. The Earl of Phantomhive wasn’t exactly skilled at showing his emotions or reassuring those around him. So she helped Lizzy pack away enough note paper and pens to supply an army and reassured her that they would certainly be able to buy more supplies in America, and that she could write as often as she wanted of course, but she must remember that it would take a while for Ciel to receive her letters and reply so she mustn't be discouraged.
Lizzy seemed to accept this and Paula was so proud of how mature and adjusted she was becoming. It hurt to lose the sweet simple child she had been, but the generous and kind young lady she was growing into was wonderful to see. She was still disappointed though, and Paula could see that her eyes were red in the mornings sometime, hinting at sleepless nights crying and worrying over losing the one person she loved above all others.
So when they were finally aboard the boat, watching the coast of England vanish behind them and Ciel appeared from further along the deck, sparking delight from Lizzy and her family, Paula felt a sinking sense of disappointment in the Earl, followed by a slow burning rage.
How dare Ciel lead her Lizzy on like that? How dare he decide it would be, what, funny? To make Lizzy believe he wasn’t coming and then just appear on the ship? Lizzy might be thrilled and smiling ear to ear but Paula could only remember the red rimmed eyes, the quiet disappointment, the sleepless nights and the unhappiness that Lizzy had had to deal with for the weeks of preparation for this trip.
She hid her feelings of course, it was not her place to question her superiors of course. She thought she was doing a good job of hiding her hurt and anger, Lizzy seemed oblivious to the displeasure she was concealing. Paula wouldn’t have been this upset if a man had let her down in this way, but to hurt Lizzy, who had never done anything to deserve being hurt like this in her entire life! Perhaps Ciel had intended it as a nice surprise but the hurt he had caused Lizzy would not be forgotten by Paula at least.
___
Paula didn’t think she had ever been this cold in her life. The large rescue ship had appeared at last, and being aboard felt far safer than bobbing out in the ocean on a lifeboat, but Paula was still scared.
She was surrounded by strangers, all cold, all terrified and all desperate for safety and warmth. The new ship was overwhelmed by all the passengers but was doing its best. Paula curled up in a corner with a donated blanket, staring at the noise and movement around her and hoping to see a glimpse of her family. Please let them all be safe, please let Lizzy be here somewhere she prayed desperately, as she had been doing throughout the longest coldest night of her life.
There! Paula stood upright, straining to see through the crowd of people, she could hear the familiar strident tones of the Lady Midford, haranguing people for snatching at the hot food being served up and not assisting those in greater need. Paula shoved her way impatiently towards Lady Frances, heart in mouth as she squeezed past the last group of people…
Relief crashed over her. Lord Midford was there, discussing something quietly with the captain, his wife overseeing the distribution of hot food and blankets with the assistance of Edward and the Queen’s butlers. Lizzy was standing off to the side, fingers pressed against her mouth as she scanned the crowd, looking for anyone familiar. Paula’s eyes filled with tears as she rushed forward. It was a breach of propriety, certainly, but she didn’t care as she called out to Lizzy, who spun around with a relieved smile, rushing towards her maid. Lizzy flung her arms around Paula in a hug that she gladly returned, just so grateful to see one another alive and well despite it all.
“Oh Lizzy, I’m so glad you’re safe!” Paula said, breaking away from the hug to check her over. “You’re not hurt are you?”
“No, I’m perfectly fine Paula, I really am. Ciel protected me, just like he said he would!” Lizzy smiled brightly, but then her smile dropped. “Have you seen Ciel, Paula? I haven’t seen him, and Eddie says he went back to deal with the walking corpses and I’m worried about him…”
“No...I haven’t seen him.” Paula admitted. So Ciel had saved Lizzy had he? That was good, that's what she would expect from him. To step up to his responsibilities and help her.
“He saw me fighting.” Lizzy blurted out quickly, as though she thought if she didn’t say it now then she would never say it. Paula’s eyes widened in astonished fear, she knew just how anxious Lizzy had been about Ciel finding out about her swordsmanship.
“What did he say?”
“He...he told me I shouldn’t hide it in the future, that he still wanted to marry me and that I saved his life.” Lizzy’s tone was filled with wonder. “He said I had been stupid to think that something like that would change his opinion of me.”
“He called you stupid?”
“No! He said it was stupid to think he would stop caring about me because I can swordfight!” Lizzy beamed again, holding tightly onto Paula’s hands. “He still cares about me! Even though I’m not cute and adorable all the time!”
“Oh that’s wonderful!”
“Yes...but now I can’t find him and I’m worried Paula, you don't think he got left behind do you? Maybe the captain will go and look again?”
Even as Lizzy said that, a shout went up that there was another boat in the water, and a very few minutes later Paula was watching a tearfilled but joyous reunion between Lizzy and Ciel. The Earl looked injured and exhausted, and so did his butler, but they were both clearly alive and functional.
Paula was relieved he was safe of course, Lizzy would have been devastated if he had perished out in the cold sea. But for the first time in a long time, she found that she wasn’t angry at Ciel, as she saw him carefully helping Lizzy up off the ground, paying attention to her and seeming to value her company and presence. It seemed Ciel had finally grown up enough to realise the gift he had been given with Lizzy’s feelings and was finally giving Lizzy the validation and affection she had so longed for over the past three years.
So she smiled at the pair of them, grateful that they had both had a chance to grow up together, Ciel to learn to appreciate Lizzy, and Lizzy to learn she could set aside her childishness and still keep her love. Paula was pleased with them both.