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As evening turns to night, the sweltering humid air fades into more pleasant warmth. Jungkook, however, has not cooled down. His palms are sweaty. His skin radiates heat in a permanent flush.
It is an understatement to say he is nervous. He can only remember feeling similarly, once, when he interviewed with the top AI company in the country. That was years ago, when he was fresh out of university.
There was no job offer.
Tonight, he’s hoping for success.
And really, he cannot fathom a reason for Jimin to reject his offer of exclusivity. They’ve already gone on two official dates. The first one was a simple, yet glorious, afternoon tucked away in the corner of a café, sipping on sugary lattes and sharing random anecdotes with one another. Afterwards, they took a walk in a nearby public garden, and surrounded by a most beautiful blend of greens and blues and reds and pinks, Jungkook held Jimin’s hand for the first time.
Jungkook was blessed with a second date, too, in which he packed a picnic and took Jimin hiking. At the peak of the mountain, they drank makgeolli and ate Jungkook’s homemade bean sprout pancakes. They tipsily giggled their way down the mountain, tripping every few meters, and later that evening, Jungkook said goodbye to Jimin with a sweet, chaste kiss that made Jungkook tingle down to his toes.
Early summer has been good to Jungkook. His progress with Jimin, from friends to almost lovers, has left him euphoric most days. At least once a week, he silently thanks Taehyung for reconnecting the two old friends.
Because Jungkook and Jimin’s friendship wasn’t necessarily new, though the romantic aspect was. Once upon a time, a teenage Jungkook and Jimin had been friends. During the first year and a half of Jungkook’s high school career, they’d eaten lunch together, studied together, and played video games at the PC bang together. But after Jimin started dating someone in his final year of high school, a schism formed. They drifted apart. If the indirect rejection hadn’t already hurt, Jimin’s lack of effort to salvage the failing friendship only doubled the pain.
When Taehyung became Jungkook’s coworker last fall, it took less than two weeks for them to become friends. Within a month of being office friends, Taehyung invited Jungkook out to a Friday meal with his husband and friends. There, Jungkook learned that Taehyung’s best friend from university was, in fact, Park Jimin. He also learned that sometimes, first loves do not die.
It surely sprung anew though, and the bitterness Jungkook felt towards the past situation eased once he was surrounded by Jimin’s impossibly real sweetness. Jungkook felt only mildly annoyed when he learned Jimin had kept that same boyfriend all the way through university and beyond. They’d only parted ways two years ago for reasons Taehyung says are both irrelevant and boring.
After months and months of rekindled friendship and with Taehyung’s gentle encouragement, Jungkook is now taking Jimin on a third date. And by the end of the night, he will hopefully become Jimin’s boyfriend. Objectively, it all appears so childish. He’s a mature twenty-six now. And aside from being physically different than the young boy who once loved Jimin, he’s cultivated years of romantic experience. He had a second love, albeit mediocre, and has had countless insignificant flings. But his heart still found its way back to Jimin.
These feelings, this complete and total infatuation, should not feel as earth-altering as it does. Yet, the love that had blossomed inside of Jungkook at fifteen is now blooming again.
He has waited a long while to be the boyfriend of Park Jimin.
Standing in front of his mirror, Jungkook tucks in his shirt, and then decides to untuck it, only to half tuck it into his pants once more. Aesthetically, his outfits never vary much. A continuous rotation of black shirts, black pants, black shoes. But tonight, he’s put on the best of everything he owns. He’s clean-shaven, and well moisturized. He’s applied deodorant three times since his nerves have him overheating. And also maybe because Jimin seems to love the way he smells, often exaggeratedly sniffing Jungkook when they hug. So if possible, Jungkook wants to stay bergamot fresh all night.
He’s even put noticeable effort into styling the dark messy waves that now rest a few centimeters below his eyes. Growing his hair out had been accidental, but then Taehyung mentioned how much Jimin adores the length, how apparently it’s swoon-worthy, so Jungkook has dutifully kept it at the Jimin approved length for the past few months.
After one another quick glance in the mirror, he snaps a picture and sends it to Taehyung.
Message from my hyung, Tae
jungkookieeeee
you look great!!!!!
he’ll be swept right him off his feet
once again, that is
Jungkook
he’ll think I’m lame
getting all dressed up
for a simple dinner
and a ballet performance
my hyung, Tae
it’s not simple you dummy
you should look nice for tonight~
stop stressing!!!!
you might get lucky later ;)
Jungkook
what’s jimin wearing
my hyung, Tae
it’s been quiet on the jimin front
so idk
but I wouldn’t tell you even if I knew
lolllll
Jungkook
of course you wouldn’t
let’s hope he says yes tonight
I’d like to be bfs, ya know
finally
If im lucky, get in another kiss or two
my hyung, Tae
shut up
stop acting virginal
we know youre a dirty boy jungkookie
mingyu told me about the holiday party…
in the coat closet with that hunky math guy
what’s his name? namjoon ;))))))
Jungkook
can you stop. I was hammered
I’m trying to wife up your bff
and you’re talking about my past hookups smh
my hyung, Tae
excuse me. wife up???
ugh ur het side is showing
Jungkook
shut it
there’s no het here
I’m a proud bi
my hyung, Tae
still. how about boyfriend jimin up first
you two aren’t near mine and yoongi’s level yet
you have ways to go
Jungkook
yes I know
let a man dream tho
but I g2g
don’t wanna be late to pick him up
my hyung, Tae
make me proud lover boy!!!!!!
Once Jungkook parks on Jimin’s street, he shoots off a quick message as a heads up he’s here. Since Jungkook is a gentleman, he always personally retrieves Jimin from his apartment. Also, Jungkook worries for Jimin. The neighborhood is in a rougher area of the city, but Jimin shoos away Jungkook’s worries, maintaining he’s happy and safe where he is.
There’s no immediate response to his message, but that’s usual for Jimin, who often runs late. He’ll most likely spend the first ten minutes of Jungkook’s arrival frantically running around his apartment, putting the finishing touches on to tonight’s look. Just the thought makes Jungkook chuckle.
Though his nerves still have him on edge, there is always a feeling of contentment when Jungkook knows he is about to see Jimin. Just being in Jimin’s presence is a blessing, and it’s one he does not ever want to give up again. Even though they’ve messaged consistently over the last week, they haven’t seen each other since their second date last weekend, and in Jungkook’s book, that was too long.
Usually the sight of Jimin’s worn out apartment door is an immediate mood lifter but as Jungkook approaches, he hears a voice, a voice that does not belong to Jimin, and it’s teetering on the verge of a shout. Without a second thought, Jungkook starts knocking loudly, more forceful than he normally would. On the third knock, the door swings open.
Jimin, with eyes that glisten prettily under the ugly florescent hallway lights, stands in the doorway. He seems to be frazzled, but dressed up quite nicely for their date.
“Jungkook, hi,” he says, a little breathless. He tucks a bit of blonde hair behind one ear. Jungkook fights the urge to trace the motion with his own hand.
Glancing behind Jimin, he sees some random, unknown man standing. Except, he’s not random. Or unknown. Even though he doesn’t let his eyes linger for too long, Jungkook recognizes him.
It’s been almost ten years, and the guy seemed to have gained at least thirty pounds, but Jungkook knows that face.
It’s the face of Jimin’s boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend.
“Is everything okay?”
Jimin shuffles his feet, but doesn’t move to let Jungkook enter into the apartment like he usually would.
“Yes,” Jimin replies. “Look, Jungkook-” Jimin looks uncomfortable, his cheeks a bright red.
“Jungkook?” The ex-boyfriend, Sungjae, interrupts. Just with uttering Jungkook’s name, he sounds harsh and accusatory. Jimin ignores him, dark eyes fixated on Jungkook.
“Can we postpone tonight?” Jimin asks. “Gosh, I know we can’t exactly reschedule the Ballet tickets, but we can-“ Jimin lowers his voice into a faint whisper. “-meet up another day?”
Jungkook isn’t capable of words. His brain hasn’t formed a single, coherent thought since he saw Sungjae in the background but his stomach feels queasy, a different than it felt previously. The nausea rises up to his mouth, but he swallows it down quickly. All he tastes is rejection. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, lost for words, and maybe Jimin can tell because he grabs at his sleeve a little desperately.
“I really mean it, Jungkook,” Jimin says. “We’ll reschedule.”
Jungkook nods because that’s all he can do. Over the past eight months, he’s spent a lot of time with Jimin. And there’s been countless of times when he has been struck dumb by Jimin’s eye smiles, numerous occasions where he has lost his thoughts mid-sentence due to Jimin’s happy little giggle. That was all okay. He came to terms with the idea that Jimin makes him a little dumb sometimes. He dealt with it well enough as a teenager, he deals with it now.
But this is different. Jimin’s face is filled with something that can only be pity. And if there wasn’t a very distracting weight on his chest, Jungkook might pity himself too.
Jimin releases his shirtsleeve, and takes a step backwards, closer to Sungjae, who now hovers by Jimin with a displeased look on his face. And it’s in the moment after Jimin takes that step backwards when Jungkook realizes. It’s time to turn around and go.
Jimin’s already gone.
Jungkook ignores all the messages he receives the next day. Most of them are from Taehyung, first asking how it went, jokingly asking if Jungkook scored big time, but they soon turned concerned, and a little angry. Jungkook isn’t sure if the anger is for him or not, since he’s decidedly not thinking about the previous night’s events. Jimin’s messages are short, apologetic, and they do nothing to raise Jungkook’s spirits. But Jungkook gets it. Jimin is dealing with a lot.
It’s a grey, humid day on the cusp of rain, so Jungkook lies in bed with the air conditioning on full blast.
He’d have kept lying in bed all day Sunday too except Taehyung storms into his bedroom a little after noon.
The look on his very handsome face is near murderous. “Oh, good. You aren’t crying. Get up.”
“How did you get in here?”
“The spare key under the mat, you absolute moron,” Taehyung says flatly. Jungkook squints through his sleep encrusted eyes. Taehyung’s face looks mean, and his words are a little mean, but Jungkook still isn’t sure he’s being mean to him specifically.
“I told you it’s for emergencies only.”
Taehyung ignores him. “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Yoongi said you’d be crying, and listen, I’m shit at dealing with tears.”
“I’m fine.”
“Except maybe if it’s inflicting pain on that tiny blonde dumbo because yeah, I’d deal with those tears very well.”
Jungkook is normally very good at alleviating stressful situations, but it seems his friend refuses to listen. “It’s really fine.”
Taehyung, who’s started pacing Jungkook’s room, stops and scowls at Jungkook. “You’re in love with Jimin.”
“Of course.”
“And you’re sad.”
“I’m trying to think positive. For example, there wasn’t enough time for him to pass judgment on if my outfit was lame or not.”
Taehyung takes a step forward with his hand raised. “If you weren’t so needlessly heart broken right now…”
Jungkook sits up, letting his comforter bunch up around his waist, and rubs at his eyes. Even though he hasn’t cried, he’s sure they are bloodshot from a restless sleep. “I know you’re mad or whatever, but what am I supposed to do? I just have to wait for Jimin to message me.”
“And then what? You’ll accept anything he tells you,” Taehyung scoffs. “Have some backbone, Jungkook.”
“Should we really be talking about this? I’m not sure Jimin would feel comfortable.”
Taehyung sits at the desk chair across the room, crossing his legs like he’s settling in for a long talk. “Unbelievable. He really can do no wrong in your eyes. Is a golden retriever even this loyal? He’s my best friend, and I’m livid. Even my gummy little husband wants to knock some sense into him! It doesn’t even involve us!”
Jungkook doesn’t have much to say. Nothing Taehyung said is wrong, but Jungkook can’t summon up anger on a whim. And he doesn’t have the strength for anger either. He’s too disappointed, too, using his friend’s own words, heart broken for it.
Taehyung jumps up suddenly. “You need to tell Jimin. Tell him you love him. Tell him to kick that beer-gutted oaf out of his apartment. It’s absurd we even have to this conversation, but I refuse to watch Jimin waste more time with him. It must be the familiarity, you know? Because let’s be honest. You have a six-pack, Jungkook.”
Jungkook almost chuckles. “What does that have to do with anything? If what I want isn’t what Jimin wants, then fine. I’ll learn not to want it anymore.”
“But what about your friendship? Are you going to give up the friendship again?”
“Of course not,” Jungkook sighs. “I’ll be friends, if that’s what he wants.”
“His boyfriend hates you now. He didn’t realize you were friends again… with romantic intent. But really, why would he need to know?”
Jungkook’s chest tightens, even though he should be prepared for such news. “Boyfriend?”
Oh, no. Still ex.” Taehyung waves his hand wildly, wide-eyed. “It’s a habit. Spent so many years having to hang out with that total turd, it’s an unfortunate reflex to call him Jimin’s boyfriend.”
“Well, even so,” Jungkook says. “We aren’t Jimin, we don’t make choices for him.”
“But we can persuade him?” There’s so much hope in Taehyung’s voice.
“If persuasion is necessary, I’d rather be rejected,” Jungkook replies.
They sit quietly for a few minutes. Jungkook can feel the worry, can see how much Taehyung cares for him, for Jimin. It’s clear from his sad eyes and the furrow in his brow.
Taehyung’s whole being radiates love, so much so that sometimes it seems to have a tangible existence. These are reasons Jungkook is so thankful for Taehyung. It’s only been nine months, but it feels like they’ve shared a lifelong friendship.
But he doesn’t want Taehyung to let this affect any of their friendships. What will be, will be.
“Thanks for coming, Tae,” Jungkook says. “I really appreciate you caring so much.” Taehyung glances over, and gives him a small smile. “But you can leave the room? I’m naked under here and I gotta piss real bad.”
“Eww! What the hell, Jungkook?” Taehyung shrieks. “What kind of broken-hearted guy sleeps naked?”
“One who’s about to wet the bed,” Jungkook replies.
It’s comforting for Jungkook, to hear Taehyung laugh even when he can’t, and his mood brightens a little. It’s proof that things will be okay, eventually.
Jimin messages with plans to meet up on Tuesday morning, so Jungkook agrees to meet later that day. There is nothing glaringly different in the way Jimin texts, but Jungkook doesn’t let himself hope. Taehyung had told him a few things about Jimin and Sungjae’s relationship, and though Jungkook would have preferred to hear it from Jimin, it’s given him some insight on the situation.
According to Taehyung, they’d broken up because Sungjae moved abroad to work at his company’s branch in Germany. Though the company was more than willing to move his long-term partner as well, Jimin said no. He didn’t want to leave Seoul, and so after some deliberation, they broke up. There was no cheating, no falling out of love, no dramatic fights. The hardest part, apparently, was that Jimin had to move from a nice upscale apartment to the sort of dingy one he currently lives in. Though, Jimin has always seemed quite fond of the place, and makes it feel so full of life with plants and colors.
But Sungjae is back, and Jungkook isn’t sure he can compete with a first love that is both Jimin’s high school and college sweetheart. It definitely sucks, since Jungkook had been so close to what he’d always dreamt of. He’s experienced the beginnings of what a relationship with Jimin could be like, and it was sweet. Jimin is sweet, and that’s how Jungkook knows he must be torn up over this. Maybe the look on Jimin’s face the other night hadn’t been pity, but genuine hurt. For everyone involved.
They don’t make dinner plans, which is already very telling, but they agree to meet up around 4:30 at a café near the dance studio Jimin works at.
So Jungkook waits. It’s 4:37, and he’s a little tired, and a lot anxious. He wants this meeting to be done and over with so he can head back to work, and fix a software bug that’s been dutifully distracting him all day. He stayed late at the office last night, working on side projects when he tires of actual work, and he plans to do so again tonight. The long night hasn’t done much for his appearance, and just this morning Taehyung said he looked like he’d been run over by a bus, twice. Sure, he’d combed his hair with his hands and forgot to moisturize. But do appearances really matter anymore? Does any of it matter anymore?
The questions cycle in his head again and again, but are left unanswered. Jungkook’s still lost in thought when Jimin takes a seat across from him. Jungkook blinks a few times, making sure it really is Jimin in front of him.
“Jungkook, hi.” Jimin looks unsure, twisting his fingers together.
Jungkook knows he’s just come from teaching an intense dance aerobics class, but even with the sad look strewn across his face, Jimin somehow still looks ethereal. And Jungkook is so very much in love.
“I got you a smoothie,” Jungkook replies. “With soy milk.”
Blushing faintly, Jimin grabs the glass, and takes a sip of the pink mixture. “Thank you.”
“How have you been?” Jungkook asks. He wants the uncomfortable air to dissipate, thinks the sooner it’s gone, the better. They need to practice being just friends again.
“Kind of shitty.” Jimin laughs awkwardly.
Jungkook snorts. “Tell me about it.”
It’s clearly the wrong thing to say because Jimin’s eyes begin to water.
Looking at Jimin on the verge of tears makes Jungkook want to hold his hand, simply for comforting purposes, but he realizes it might be inappropriate now. He feels useless.
“I’m just so sorry,” Jimin begins. “This is the last thing I wanted to happen.”
“I know.”
“If you were just some guy I was sort of dating, I wouldn’t care,” Jimin explains. “But it’s you.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Jungkook says through the lump in his throat.
“I do though,” Jimin cries. He wipes at a falling tear, and Jungkook really wishes, for Jimin’s sake, they didn’t need to do this in a public place. “I would be devastated if our roles were reversed. I thought for sure you’d never want to see me again.”
“Not a chance,” Jungkook says, the words falling easily from his lips. “You and Taehyung are stuck with me now. Otherwise, I’d have no friends.”
Jimin covers his mouth with his hands and giggles. Jungkook counts it as a small victory. Being with Jimin as a friend is okay too, as long he continues to share moments like this with him. Moments where they can just sit and be with each other. Jungkook refuses to let the friendship go this time.
Once Jimin is done laughing, he looks up at Jungkook. “I really like you.”
Jungkook smiles, and as much as he tries, he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes. He wishes it did, for Jimin. He knows the impending rejection will be hard for Jimin as well. “I really like you too.”
Jimin’s smile surely outdoes the brilliance of the sun, and Jungkook is so blinded that he doesn’t notice Jimin leaning over the table, gesturing for Jungkook to lean in as well.
“You know that quote about first loves?” Jimin asks quietly once Jungkook is close.
Jungkook’s heart squeezes uncomfortably, even though, no, he knows no quotes about first love. Bu he’s just experienced it well enough to gather the gist.
He seriously wonders what’s gotten into Jimin, talking about first loves so candidly. And he’s struck with fear that Jimin has decided to be a little cruel in the rejection, maybe thinking it’ll help Jungkook move on more quickly.
The two are so close that he can feel Jimin’s soft breath on his cheek, and it hurts so wonderfully Jungkook thinks he might burst.
“Your first love is always alive somewhere inside you,” Jimin whispers amidst the sounds of chattering and a noisy espresso machine across the room. “That it never truly dies.”
Jungkook flinches, but Jimin keeps him close with a hand to the back of his head. “Jimin,” Jungkook pleads, clutching at the table for some stability.
“It’s true, Jungkook.” Jimin moves back, releasing Jungkook. “Now let’s plan a new date.”
Jungkook stares dumbly at the golden little angel only a foot away. “What?”
“I made you worry these past few days, and I’m sorry.” Jimin shrugs, taking another sip of his smoothie. “I don’t want to cry or feel guilty anymore.”
Jungkook inhales deeply. “I’m a little confused, and while I definitely would appreciate another date with you, I don’t want it to be one made out of pity.”
“Who said it was a pity date?”
“I just don’t feel comfortable getting in between two people in love,” Jungkook says firmly. “I really want us to remain friends this time though.”
“I don’t love Sungjae,” Jimin says, his lips forming an impossibly perfect pout.
“What was with all that first love nonsense then?”
“Jungkook, he’s not my first love.”
“What?”
“I was trying to be romantic and cute but you’re really so dense,” Jimin whines. “Taehyung said this would happen.”
“Jimin, can you please tell me what’s going on because yes, I guess I’m a little dense since I still cannot connect the supposed dots.”
“My first love,” Jimin begins.
“Yes.” Jungkook holds his breath, looks at Jimin’s shy smile, and so much as changed in this short time. Gone is the gloomy, teary countenance Jimin had first greeted Jungkook with. Instead, his face illuminates something that looks a little bit like hope.
“Is you.”