Chapter Text
In another life, Kaigaku figured he must have done something pretty awful. That was the only reasonable explanation for why he was stuck waking up every morning from Zenitsu pinching his nose.
“DOES OFUKURO PUT YOU UP TO THIS?!?” He yelled at the top of his lungs, making sure to swipe out at his little shitstain of a brother. “FUCKING HELL!”
As if the universe was conspiring to make his mood worse, the blond managed to dodge the blow. “No! Stop calling her that, you dick! Everyone just wants you to get your lazy ass up for once-”
Landing a successful hit on the back of his brother’s head with one of his textbooks made him feel a little better, but at this point, he wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than actual fratricide. That was, if he could get away with it. But before murder came breakfast. The rules of their dysfunctional household demanded that sole bit of order.
To hell with him. Kaigaku fumed, officially Fed Up. That rage carried him through the rest of his routine, just like how it did almost every day of his life. The itchy feeling of bugs crawling under his skin only got soothed when he scrubbed at it with a rough rag. Same thing applied to the slimy sensation clinging to his teeth; it only went away when he brushed hard enough to turn the water pink with his efforts. If he had a therapist, they’d probably lecture him over that. Good thing they couldn’t afford one.
Once he got in his few necessary brushes of makeup, he looked less like death and more like an actual person. Funny how covering up some dark circles had that power; a little disconcerting, but whatever. “This is… as hot as I’m going to look today.” He grimaced at the mirror as he said it, like it was the glass’ fault for how his reflection still looked drained instead of his inadvisable study habits. Damn.
A fist knocked on the door sharply, halting his train of thought in its tracks. “Hurry up in there! You’re burning daylight!”
“Go away, ofukuro!”
She only rapped on the wood harder. “Uzai! I’m going to eat all of your food!” She wouldn’t, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that his mother took three things in life very seriously: music, peaches, and annoying her family.
“You can’t even see it!” Kaigaku howled back.
“Stop stealing my jokes, uzai!” One final knock, and she glided away, no doubt raring to eat her portion of their daily meal. The loudest thing about her walk was the impact of her cane against the floor. Fair enough; everyone else in the house stormed around enough to make up the difference. To prove it, he burst out of the bathroom and trailed behind her, one stomp at a time.
His grandfather nodded his head at them when they finally made their way to the dining area, cheeks bulging with rice. “Bad morning?” He noted a little too astutely once he managed to swallow down his meal.
“Please give me Kaigaku’s share.” Her dark hair flowed whenever she bowed her head in a mockingly pleading gesture. “I will keep it in my stomach.”
“Shaddup, warugaki.” Ojii-san huffed automatically. “Nakime, why are you always like this?”
Watching Ofukuro get chastised always made his day a tad bit brighter. Admittedly, their little song and dance of trading insults while sitting together like this brought his existence some desperately needed stability. Not that he’d ever say so, but the sentiment was there. Too bad Zenitsu ruined the entire thing.
Sure enough, the kid tottered in, balancing three bowls with the air of a panicked waiter at a family restaurant. Merely thinking about him could summon him some days. “I will forgive the textbook incident!” The runt snapped as he set them down. “I will! If you go with me to the mall today!”
Kaigaku stared down the thumb pointed directly between his eyes. Normally, he’d be trapped by those petulant words. Despite her chaotic nature, Ofukuro consistently enjoyed any indication that her sons were getting along in some way, shape, or form. Never mind Ojii-san’s dedication to a semi-perfect family - if his mother willed it, he’d have to baby Zenitsu all the time. High school had been hellish for precisely that reason; with the constant doctor visits for both Ofukuro and Ojii-san, he never had time for anything else beyond homework and his brother.
All that being said, he took great relish in being able to smile at the blond’s pinched expression. “Sorry! No can do! I have plans. Guess you’ll just have to stew or whatever it is you do all day.”
Ojii-san’s attention became laser-focused on him. “What plans? This is the first I’m hearing of them.”
“Tsugikuni-san’s calling me in again. I’ll get paid, don’t worry.” Those were the magic words. No one in their family had a strong liking for the man, himself included, but money was money. A coin earned today could buy them a lot more shit in the future.
Plus, it didn’t hurt that his newly acquired boss was super loaded.
Zenitsu sighed, but even he seemed to accept it. “Bet your fancy boss would take me to the mall…” … Or maybe not. What did he do to deserve this again? Not just the annoying brother, though he hated that part of his life too, but everything else? Did wanting to be an electrician lead to the gods cursing him? Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.
Just to prove it, Kaigaku fished out his phone and sent his boss a quick text. “Bet he won’t. He has more important things to do than babysit a 16 year old.” Why would Tsugikuni of all people even bother?
Bzzt.
“See?” He leered smugly. “There he is now.”
Boss Man: 👀 This is an unusual request to make on such short notice, and I do despise abrupt changes, but that will be alright for today’s purposes. I hope your brother will possess more decorum than yourself. - Kokushibou
His phone hit the ground with a clatter. Not to be outdone, his mother let out a similarly loud shriek. “What is it? What’s happening?!? Wait, did he say no?”
“... Nah, ofukuro. He said yes.” As he stared at his dropped cell phone, Kaigaku wondered if it was too late to start popping pills. At least they’d numb his building migraine. Honestly, that was all he needed.
But, instead of them, he had this fucked up outing on the agenda now. Fratricide felt more and more appealing by the minute.